To Ease Your Mind
By: Olivia
"Life is so unkind/You can fall behind/You know that I'm inclined to ease your mind anytime."-
Jude-"I'm Sorry Now"
"I'm so alone and I feel just like somebody else/Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the
same/But somewhere here in between these city walls of dyin' dreams/I think her death it must
be killing me."-The Wallflowers-"One Headlight"
Jack McCoy looked up at his office door when he heard the knock. He glanced at his watch. It
was late. Usually Adam and Jamie would still be here working with him on a case, but not
tonight. Adam had a fundraising event to attend and so had left for the day already. Jamie's
daughter had a school recital or something so Jack had let her step out early. Curious, Jack
called out for the person to enter.
The door opened and Anita Van Buren peaked her head around the door.
"I'm sorry to bother you, Counselor. I was just wondering if you had a few minutes."
Jack smiled politely at her and motioned her to the chair in front of his desk. "Certainly, come
on in, Lieutenant."
As Anita made her way to the chair, Jack stood up and moved to put on his business suit jacket
that was on hanger nearby.
"Don't worry about that. I didn't stop by for a professional visit."
Jack stopped in his tracks and slowly sat back down. He hoped this wasn't what he knew it was.
"So how is Detective Briscoe doing?" Jack said. No since in waiting for the inevitable. The best
defense was a good offense.
Anita smiled at Jack's perceptiveness. But he still didn't fully understand why she was there.
"I think he's doing okay considering the circumstances. He is still attending his AA meetings
and seeing his sponsor. I've asked Rey to keep an eye on him and let me know if anything is
wrong. I just hope Rey doesn't try to shield him from trouble out of loyalty and get himself, and
Lennie, buried so deep that even I can't help them."
Jack nodded somberly. "He asked me if I wanted to join him for a club soda awhile back and I
told him I'd take a rain check. Perhaps I should take him up on his offer. He blames himself for
Claire's death. There was nothing he could have done. It wasn't his fault. We were all in the
wrong places at the wrong times. Did you want me to speak with him? Is that what you came
here to ask?"
"Actually, Lennie's not the reason I cam to speak with you, although, if you want to talk to
Lennie, I'm sure it would do him," and you, Anita added silently to herself, "a lot of good."
Jack's face expressed his puzzlement. Anita was fiercely protective of her Detectives, and
rightly so. He figured she had wanted to talk to him about Lennie. "I'm sorry, I just assumed...."
"I wanted to speak to you about Claire."
Jack's face froze in fear. What would she say. These few months after Claire's death had not
even begun to ease his pain at her loss. So many things left undone, unsaid, and unresolved.
When Anita realized that Jack wasn't going to say anything, she went on ahead. "Claire stopped
by the Precinct before she left to meet you at the bar. Surprisingly enough, she was looking for
Lennie there and found me instead. We talked about the execution over some Chinese food I had
gotten. She blamed herself. That's why she was late meeting you."
Jack's insides involuntarily clenched up. He prepared himself for the worst. He and Claire had
been arguing the whole week on and off and it had reached a boiling point the day after they had
watched that man be executed by the State of New York. Claire was against the death penalty
and seeing the executing had only confirmed her belief even more. Killing was wrong to her, no
matter who it was. She wanted to quit being a lawyer. She was disillusioned.
And Claire was angry at herself for helping to kill this man through their prosecution. She felt as
if she herself had given the man the lethal injection. She was angry at the law for putting the
man to death. More importantly, she was upset that this man death didn't affect Jack. But she
was wrong about that. Very wrong as his later bout of drunkenness had proven.
Jack got up to pour himself a glass of scotch. "If that's all she told you, I already knew that."
Anita shook her head when Jack made a motion inquiring if she wanted a glass.
Jack said somberly, "Yes, she was against the death penalty. She was really upset by watching
the execution and blamed herself. She was thinking about leaving the job. Did she tell you
that?"
"She didn't tell me that she was thinking about leaving, but I got that impression. Actually, our
conversation was more based on what she didn't say than what she did."
Jack sat back down in his chair and took a swig of his drink. "So what didn't she say?"
"She didn't say that even though she still was upset and feeling guilty about that man's death, she
was staying. I told her that what we do is scary business. We make decisions that affect
people's lives. And I told her she couldn't take all the blame on herself. Claire said that the
wheels of justice keep grinding, eating people up. And I told her that we were still here despite
all of it-you, me, Lennie, Rey, and her. We're all still here just trying to fight the good fight one
day at a time. And we don't all win, and sometimes the victories do not taste sweet, and
sometimes mistakes are made, but it's the effort that counts."
Jack put down his drink and looked at Anita. He knew this woman well enough to know that she
wasn't here just saying whatever it took to make him feel better. He was desperately trying to
keep his emotions in check in front of her. "So you think she was going to stay?"
"I think she would have. But even it she did that wouldn't change the way she felt about you."
Jack looked surprised. First Lennie and now Anita. How many other people knew? "How did
you know about Claire and I?"
Anita smiled at him. "You have to know how to read people in my line of work, Counselor. She
cared for you deeply."
Anita got up to leave and Jack followed her to the door.
"Thank you, Anita."
Anita smiled and nodded her head. "Actually it was Claire who helped me. It was easy to
pretend that the man being executed didn't affect me since I didn't actually witness it, but it did.
It affected all of us, each in our own way and thus we all dealt with it differently. And I was
wrong to tell her that the only solution to getting though times like these is not to talk about it."
Anita walked out the door and Jack slowly closed the door behind her. He walked slowly over to
the phone and began dialing. "Hi Lennie, it's Jack. I was wondering if you still wanted to join
me for that club soda...."
By: Olivia
"Life is so unkind/You can fall behind/You know that I'm inclined to ease your mind anytime."-
Jude-"I'm Sorry Now"
"I'm so alone and I feel just like somebody else/Man, I ain't changed but I know I ain't the
same/But somewhere here in between these city walls of dyin' dreams/I think her death it must
be killing me."-The Wallflowers-"One Headlight"
Jack McCoy looked up at his office door when he heard the knock. He glanced at his watch. It
was late. Usually Adam and Jamie would still be here working with him on a case, but not
tonight. Adam had a fundraising event to attend and so had left for the day already. Jamie's
daughter had a school recital or something so Jack had let her step out early. Curious, Jack
called out for the person to enter.
The door opened and Anita Van Buren peaked her head around the door.
"I'm sorry to bother you, Counselor. I was just wondering if you had a few minutes."
Jack smiled politely at her and motioned her to the chair in front of his desk. "Certainly, come
on in, Lieutenant."
As Anita made her way to the chair, Jack stood up and moved to put on his business suit jacket
that was on hanger nearby.
"Don't worry about that. I didn't stop by for a professional visit."
Jack stopped in his tracks and slowly sat back down. He hoped this wasn't what he knew it was.
"So how is Detective Briscoe doing?" Jack said. No since in waiting for the inevitable. The best
defense was a good offense.
Anita smiled at Jack's perceptiveness. But he still didn't fully understand why she was there.
"I think he's doing okay considering the circumstances. He is still attending his AA meetings
and seeing his sponsor. I've asked Rey to keep an eye on him and let me know if anything is
wrong. I just hope Rey doesn't try to shield him from trouble out of loyalty and get himself, and
Lennie, buried so deep that even I can't help them."
Jack nodded somberly. "He asked me if I wanted to join him for a club soda awhile back and I
told him I'd take a rain check. Perhaps I should take him up on his offer. He blames himself for
Claire's death. There was nothing he could have done. It wasn't his fault. We were all in the
wrong places at the wrong times. Did you want me to speak with him? Is that what you came
here to ask?"
"Actually, Lennie's not the reason I cam to speak with you, although, if you want to talk to
Lennie, I'm sure it would do him," and you, Anita added silently to herself, "a lot of good."
Jack's face expressed his puzzlement. Anita was fiercely protective of her Detectives, and
rightly so. He figured she had wanted to talk to him about Lennie. "I'm sorry, I just assumed...."
"I wanted to speak to you about Claire."
Jack's face froze in fear. What would she say. These few months after Claire's death had not
even begun to ease his pain at her loss. So many things left undone, unsaid, and unresolved.
When Anita realized that Jack wasn't going to say anything, she went on ahead. "Claire stopped
by the Precinct before she left to meet you at the bar. Surprisingly enough, she was looking for
Lennie there and found me instead. We talked about the execution over some Chinese food I had
gotten. She blamed herself. That's why she was late meeting you."
Jack's insides involuntarily clenched up. He prepared himself for the worst. He and Claire had
been arguing the whole week on and off and it had reached a boiling point the day after they had
watched that man be executed by the State of New York. Claire was against the death penalty
and seeing the executing had only confirmed her belief even more. Killing was wrong to her, no
matter who it was. She wanted to quit being a lawyer. She was disillusioned.
And Claire was angry at herself for helping to kill this man through their prosecution. She felt as
if she herself had given the man the lethal injection. She was angry at the law for putting the
man to death. More importantly, she was upset that this man death didn't affect Jack. But she
was wrong about that. Very wrong as his later bout of drunkenness had proven.
Jack got up to pour himself a glass of scotch. "If that's all she told you, I already knew that."
Anita shook her head when Jack made a motion inquiring if she wanted a glass.
Jack said somberly, "Yes, she was against the death penalty. She was really upset by watching
the execution and blamed herself. She was thinking about leaving the job. Did she tell you
that?"
"She didn't tell me that she was thinking about leaving, but I got that impression. Actually, our
conversation was more based on what she didn't say than what she did."
Jack sat back down in his chair and took a swig of his drink. "So what didn't she say?"
"She didn't say that even though she still was upset and feeling guilty about that man's death, she
was staying. I told her that what we do is scary business. We make decisions that affect
people's lives. And I told her she couldn't take all the blame on herself. Claire said that the
wheels of justice keep grinding, eating people up. And I told her that we were still here despite
all of it-you, me, Lennie, Rey, and her. We're all still here just trying to fight the good fight one
day at a time. And we don't all win, and sometimes the victories do not taste sweet, and
sometimes mistakes are made, but it's the effort that counts."
Jack put down his drink and looked at Anita. He knew this woman well enough to know that she
wasn't here just saying whatever it took to make him feel better. He was desperately trying to
keep his emotions in check in front of her. "So you think she was going to stay?"
"I think she would have. But even it she did that wouldn't change the way she felt about you."
Jack looked surprised. First Lennie and now Anita. How many other people knew? "How did
you know about Claire and I?"
Anita smiled at him. "You have to know how to read people in my line of work, Counselor. She
cared for you deeply."
Anita got up to leave and Jack followed her to the door.
"Thank you, Anita."
Anita smiled and nodded her head. "Actually it was Claire who helped me. It was easy to
pretend that the man being executed didn't affect me since I didn't actually witness it, but it did.
It affected all of us, each in our own way and thus we all dealt with it differently. And I was
wrong to tell her that the only solution to getting though times like these is not to talk about it."
Anita walked out the door and Jack slowly closed the door behind her. He walked slowly over to
the phone and began dialing. "Hi Lennie, it's Jack. I was wondering if you still wanted to join
me for that club soda...."