Romeo & Juliet: A WK Parody
By:
Disclaimers: Weiß Kreuz do not belong to me so don't sue me. I'm poor. ^_^;;;
Notes: Self-insertion and Romeo and Juliet replay. **wince** Aya will still be refer to as Aya while Aya-chan will be refer to as Aya-chan. ^.^;; Ew…the background is PINK. ~_~;;;;
Black colored is the play.
All auditioners would be using their real names rather than the role their playing. Only the character's name will be mentioned once so we'll know which auditioner is auditioning for which part.
Bold italic words are stage directions.
Blue colored text are thoughts.
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Enter Aya.
Aya: The clock struck nine when I did send the nurse; In half an hour she promised to return. Perchance she cannot meet him: that's not so. O, she is lame! love's heralds should be thoughts, Which ten times faster glide than the sun's beams, Driving back shadows over louring hills: Therefore do nimble-pinion'd doves draw love, And therefore hath the wind-swift Cupid wings. Now is the sun upon the highmost hill Of this day's journey, and from nine till twelve Is three long hours, yet she is not come. Had she affections and warm youthful blood, She would be as swift in motion as a ball; My words would bandy her to my sweet love, And his to me: But old folks, many feign as they were dead; Unwieldy, slow, heavy and pale as lead. O God, she comes!
"Someone sure is in a hurry today," Ken said.
"They're finally getting laid," Eve said. A dozen pairs of annoyed eyes turned and fixated themselves on the black-haired girl. Eve let out a small chuckle.
"Least it's not Schurderich who said that," Nagi said. His head tilted backwards towards the redhead. "Huh?"
"Did he just said…'ball'?"
Everyone screamed. Minus Eve, who seems to be getting used to all the perverted comments made by the German redhead.
Enter Cali and Nagi.
O honey nurse, what news? Hast thou met with him? Send thy man away.
Everyone's face pale for a second before someone cried out loudly, "HONEY NURSE?!"
Cali: Nagi, stay at the gate.
[Exit Nagi.]
"They don't like Nagi," Farfarello sniffed once then returned to his previous activity…which is STILL licking a knife.
"Someone shoot him," Omi rolled his eyes.
Aya: Now, good sweet nurse,--O Lord, why look'st thou sad? Though news be sad, yet tell them merrily; If good, thou shamest the music of sweet news By playing it to me with so sour a face.
Cali: I am a-weary, give me leave awhile: Fie, how my bones ache! what a jaunt have I had!
"How old is she?" Brad asked.
"Why?" Eve eyed the American cautiously.
The man shrugged. "I think she's too young to be having so much pain for simple walking."
"What are you…a doctor?"
"Hmm…I WAS planning on being one…"
Silence. Then…
"BWAHAHAHA!! That's funny, Brad."
"It is…?" Keiko raised an eyebrow.
"No, Schu's just being a retard…as usual," Nagi bopped the redhead on the head to get him to quit laughing.
"I am surrounded by idiots," Ken groaned.
"WHY THANK YOU KEN-KUN!" everyone grinned widely.
Aya: I would thou hadst my bones, and I thy news: Nay, come, I pray thee, speak; good, good nurse, speak.
Cali: Jesu, what haste? can you not stay awhile? Do you not see that I am out of breath?
Aya: How art thou out of breath, when thou hast breath To say to me that thou art out of breath? The excuse that thou dost make in this delay Is longer than the tale thou dost excuse. Is thy news good, or bad? answer to that; Say either, and I'll stay the circumstance: Let me be satisfied, is't good or bad?
"I know right?!" Yin exclaimed. "If Cali WAS out of breath, she'd be DEAD by now! Although that WOULD be a nice thing for it to happen…"
"You're so mean, Yin-chan!" Omi pouted.
"I'll take that as a compliment."
Cali: Well, you have made a simple choice; you know not how to choose a man: Romeo! no, not he; though his face be better than any man's, yet his leg excels all men's; and for a hand, and a foot, and a body, though they be not to be talked on, yet they are past compare: he is not the flower of courtesy,
but, I'll warrant him, as gentle as a lamb. Go thy ways, wench; serve God. What, have you dined at home?
Aya: No, no: but all this did I know before. What says he of our marriage? what of that?
"I don't get it…they've met like what? Last night? And now they want to get married?" Mill asked.
"They haven't even bed each other yet…" a pause. "Ah, they'll probably do that on the honeymoon."
"First of all, CAN YOU STOP IT WITH ALL THESE PERVERTED THINGS??!?!" Keiko screamed. "Second of all…they died before the honeymoon, you nitwit."
"REALLY?!" Schu gasped. "I would never have know that!!"
Cali: Lord, how my head aches! what a head have I! It beats as it would fall in twenty pieces. My back o' t' other side,--O, my back, my back! Beshrew your heart for sending me about, To catch my death with jaunting up and down!
Aya: I' faith, I am sorry that thou art not well. Sweet, sweet, sweet nurse, tell me, what says my love?
Cali: Your love says, like an honest gentleman, and a courteous, and a kind, and a handsome, and,
I warrant, a virtuous,--Where is your mother?
Aya: Where is my mother! why, she is within; Where should she be? How oddly thou repliest! 'Your love says, like an honest gentleman, Where is your mother?'
Cali: O God's lady dear! Are you so hot? marry, come up, I trow; Is this the poultice for my aching bones? Henceforward do your messages yourself.
"OF COURSE HE'S HOT YOU DUMBASS!!"
Ms. White turned and shot the annoyed German a dirty look.
Aya: Here's such a coil! come, what says Yoji?
Cali: Have you got leave to go to shrift to-day?
Aya: I have.
Cali: Then hie you hence to Farfarello's cell; There stays a husband to make you a wife: Now comes the wanton blood up in your cheeks, They'll be in scarlet straight at any news. Hie you to church; I must another way, To fetch a ladder, by the which your love Must climb a bird's nest soon when it is dark: I am the drudge and toil in your delight, But you shall bear the burden soon at night. Go; I'll to dinner: hie you to the cell.
"Oh, God NO!" Eve screamed.
"Aya-kun's gonna kill us if we make him wear a straitjacket!" Omi added.
"You actually believed what he said?" Mill raised an eyebrow.
"Aya," Yoji said, rather plain and simple.
"'Nuff said," Mill turned back to the stage.
Aya: Hie to high fortune! Honest nurse, farewell.
[Exeunt.]
Enter Farfarello and Yoji.
Farfarello: So smile the heavens upon this holy act,
Yoji: Amen, amen! but come what sorrow can, It cannot countervail the exchange of joy That one short minute gives me in her sight: Do thou but close our hands with holy words, Then love-devouring death do what he dare; It is enough I may but call her mine.
Farfarello: These violent delights have violent ends
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
[Enter Aya.]
Here comes the lady: O, so light a foot Will ne'er wear out the everlasting flint: A lover may bestride the gossamer That idles in the wanton summer air, And yet not fall; so light is vanity.
Aya: Good even to my ghostly confessor.
Farfarello: Yoji shall thank thee, daughter, for us both.
Aya: As much to him, else is his thanks too much.
Yoji: Ah, Aya, if the measure of thy joy Be heap'd like mine and that thy skill be more To blazon it, then sweeten with thy breath This neighbour air, and let rich music's tongue Unfold the imagined happiness that both Receive in either by this dear encounter.
Aya: Conceit, more rich in matter than in words, Brags of his substance, not of ornament: They are but beggars that can count their worth; But my true love is grown to such excess I cannot sum up sum of half my wealth.
Farfarello: Come, come with me, and we will make short work;
In the meantime, while Farfie was up on stage thinking about various murderous thoughts, Mill sat in the audience, not knowing (or even caring) about Farfie's plan.
[Exeunt.]
Enter Yin, Christina, Page, and Servants.
Christina: I pray thee, good Yin, let's retire: The day is hot, the Capulets abroad, And, if we meet, we shall not escape a brawl; For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring.
Yin: Thou art like one of those fellows that when he enters the confines of a tavern claps me his
sword upon the table and says 'God send me no need of thee!' and by the operation of the second cup draws it on the drawer, when indeed there is no need.
Christina: Am I like such a fellow?
Yin: Come, come, thou art as hot a Jack in thy mood as any in Italy, and as soon moved to be moody,
and as soon moody to be moved.
Christina: And what to?
"You realize I'm not following this conversation AT ALL?"
"You're just a retard." Then…"OW!"
Yin: Nay, an there were two such, we should have none shortly, for one would kill the other. Thou!
why, thou wilt quarrel with a man that hath a hair more, or a hair less, in his beard, than thou hast: thou wilt quarrel with a man for cracking nuts, having no other reason but because thou hast hazel eyes: what eye but such an eye would spy out such a quarrel? Thy head is as fun of quarrels as an egg is full of meat, and yet thy head hath been beaten as addle as an egg for quarrelling: thou hast quarrelled with a man for coughing in the street, because he hath wakened thy dog that hath lain asleep in the sun: didst thou not fall out with a tailor for wearing his new doublet before Easter? with another, for tying his new shoes with old riband? and yet thou wilt tutor me from quarrelling!
"What fighting has to do with hair and cracking nuts is beyond me," Keiko blinked.
"I told you Shakespeare is dumb," Ken grumbled.
Christina: An I were so apt to quarrel as thou art, any man should buy the fee-simple of my life for an hour and a quarter.
Yin: The fee-simple! O simple!
"What is a 'fee-simple'?" Nagi asked.
"Why are you asking me?" Brad said.
"Because you're the only sane one here and seems to be the smartest one too." Many agreeing nods went with that statement.
Christina: By my head, here come the Capulets.
The audience shouts "fight" over and over and over and over (I think you get the point) again.
Yin: By my heel, I care not.
Enter Kevin and others.
Kevin: Follow me close, for I will speak to them. Gentlemen, good den: a word with one of you.
Yin: And but one word with one of us? Couple it with something; make it a word and a blow.
"Job?"
"Oh my God, SHUT UP!" Keik yelled.
"What??" Schu blinked innocently. "I was JUST asking a QUESTION! YEESH!"
Kevin: You shall find me apt enough to that, sir, an you will give me occasion.
Yin: Could you not take some occasion without giving?
Kevin: Yin, thou consort'st with Yoji,--
Yin: Consort! what, dost thou make us minstrels?
Everyone curst out laughing.
"Yin can't sing!!" Cali laughed.
an thou make minstrels of us, look to hear nothing but discords: here's my fiddlestick; here's that shall
make you dance. 'Zounds, consort!
Christina: We talk here in the public haunt of men: Either withdraw unto some private place, And reason coldly of your grievances, Or else depart; here all eyes gaze on us.
Yin: Men's eyes were made to look, and let them gaze; I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I.
Enter Yoji.
Kevin: Well, peace be with you, sir: here comes my man.
"Yoji's taste has degraded itself," Schu gagged.
"I gotta agree with you on that," Keiko's face turned pale.
Yin: But I'll be hanged, sir, if he wear your livery: Marry, go before to field, he'll be your follower;
Your worship in that sense may call him 'man.'
Cali raised a hand. "Can I ask something?"
"What?" Ms. White said, obviously very annoyed at the interruption.
"Why would Yoji wanna be KEVIN'S follower?? Of all people??"
"Ah, but you see, Cali-chan…" Yoji grinned rather wickedly. "I'll kill that jackass before I be his follower. HA!"
"Ooh…I'm scared," Kevin rolled his eyes.
"Alright alright, back to the play!" Ms. White hollered. But Kevin was too busy turning blue due to the lack of oxygen to even speak. Everyone began their cheers.
"GO YOJI!!"
"That's right! Kill him!!!"
Kevin: Yoji, the hate I bear thee can afford No better term than this,--thou art a villain.
Yoji: Kevin, the reason that I have to love thee
"Yoji's tastes HAS been degraded…"
Doth much excuse the appertaining rage To such a greeting: villain am I none; Therefore farewell; I see thou know'st me not.
Kevin: Boy, this shall not excuse the injuries That thou hast done me; therefore turn and draw.
Yoji: I do protest, I never injured thee, But love thee better than thou canst devise, Till thou shalt know the reason of my love: And so, good Capulet,--which name I tender As dearly as my own,--be satisfied.
"Okay…" Schu took a deep breath. "JUST BECAUSE YOU LIKE JULIET CAPULET DOESN'T MEAN YOU GOTTA LIKE THAT…THAT…EW!!!"
"Fat piece of ugly trash?" Mill snickered. [1]
"YES! THANK YOU!"
Yin: O calm, dishonourable, vile submission! Alla stoccata carries it away.
[Draws.]
Kevin, you rat-catcher, will you walk?
"He probably eat them afterwards…"
"Now THAT'S plain sick!"
Kevin: What wouldst thou have with me?
Yin: Good king of cats, nothing but one of your nine lives; that I mean to make bold withal, and as you shall use me hereafter, dry-beat the rest of the eight. Will you pluck your sword out of his pilcher
by the ears? make haste, lest mine be about your ears ere it be out.
Kevin: I am for you.
"I think he just sort of confessed something to her…" Cali gagged.
"His love…?" Eve's face turned white, then purple, then green.
[Drawing.]
Yoji: Gentle Yin, put thy rapier up.
Yin: Come, sir, your passado.
[They fight.]
Yoji: Draw, Christina; beat down their weapons. Gentlemen, for shame, forbear this outrage! Kevin, Yin, the prince expressly hath Forbidden bandying in Verona streets: Hold, Kevin! good Yin!
[Kevin under Yoji's arm stabs Yin, and flies with his followers.]
Yin: I am hurt. A plague o' both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone, and hath nothing?
Christina: What, art thou hurt?
"Didn't she just said she was hurt?!" Cali exclaimed.
"Someone needs a new ear…" Omi said.
"Yes, me," Ms. White stated. "Quit your goddamn screaming already before I put you all into the Torture Chamber!"
"What's the Torture Chamber?" Schu asked.
"I don't know," Nagi shrugged. "But I have a feeling that someone will enjoy it…" His gaze darted over to the Irishman.
"Torture…" Farfarello hissed out. Everyone sweatdropped.
Yin: Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; marry, 'tis enough. Where is my page? Go, villain, fetch a surgeon.
[Exit Page.]
Yoji: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
Yin: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough,'twill serve: ask for
me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man. I am peppered, I warrant, for this world. A plague o'
both your houses! 'Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat, to scratch a man to death! a braggart, a rogue, a villain, that fights by the book of arithmetic! Why the devil came you between us? I was hurt under your arm.
"She is s~o retarded!" Keiko said. "Or rather Mercutio in this play. I mean…come on! YOU wanted to fight and now, you're hurt…which is entirely your own fault. And you put a CURSE on BOTH the houses?? How stupid is that??"
"She got a point…" Mill said.
"Shakespeare's dumb," Ken said.
Yoji: I thought all for the best.
Yin: Help me into some house, Christina, Or I shall faint. A plague o' both your houses! They have made worms' meat of me: I have it, And soundly too: your houses!
[Exeunt Yin and Christina.]
Yoji: This gentleman, the prince's near ally, My very friend, hath got his mortal hurt In my behalf; my reputation stain'd With Kevin's slander,--Kevin, that an hour Hath been my kinsman! O sweet Aya,
Thy beauty hath made me effeminate And in my temper soften'd valour's steel!
Re-enter Christina.
Christina: O Yoji, Yoji, brave Yin's dead! That gallant spirit hath aspired the clouds, Which too untimely here did scorn the earth.
"She sure dies fast," Eve noted. Everyone nodded in agreement. "Too bad that ain't reality, eh?" More nods of agreement.
Yoji: This day's black fate on more days doth depend; This but begins the woe, others must end.
Christina: Here comes the furious Kevin back again.
Yoji: Alive, in triumph! and Yin slain! Away to heaven, respective lenity, And fire-eyed fury be my conduct now!
Re-enter Kevin.
Now, Kevin, take the villain back again, That late thou gavest me; for Yin's soul Is but a little way above our heads, Staying for thine to keep him company: Either thou, or I, or both, must go with him.
Chants begin.
"Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. KI~LL!!!!"
Kevin: Thou, wretched boy, that didst consort him here, Shalt with him hence.
Yoji: This shall determine that.
[They fight; TYBALT falls.]
"That was a very short fight…" Mill said.
"When will they learn to fight for real?" Farfie asked.
"They can't…they're too stupid and besides," Cali began. "Their brains are too cramped for anything else."
Christina: Yoji, away, be gone! The citizens are up, and Kevin slain. Stand not amazed: the prince will doom thee death, If thou art taken: hence, be gone, away!
Yoji: O, I am fortune's fool!
Christina: Why dost thou stay?
[Exit Yoji.]
Author's Notes:
[1] I HATE KEVIN!!! Need I say more? I'm not even gonna bother explaining why I hate his guts right now. I hate him!!! Little ugly piece of trash!
Schu: YEAH!!! **strings of incoherent curses and cheers follow**
Brad: Someone restrain him. He's getting too out of hand.
Farfie: Would my jacket help? **holds up the white straitjacket**
Nagi: EEP! FARFARELLO! GET BACK INTO YOUR JACKET!
Farfie: **pout** Dammit. **puts jacket back on**