In the End, a weiss kreuz fanfic

In the End

by Yanagi-sen

Weiss Kreuz songfic

Usual disclaimers apply. Once again, they're not mine. Song's by Linkin Park.

Warnings: angst, AU, OOCness, references to yaoi and other things like that…

/character thoughts/

'mental speech'

It starts with one thing, I don't know why

It doesn't even matter how hard you keep that in mind…

/It's amazing, how even after all this time, things still remind me of him. The smell of a particular brand of cologne. A lighter that looks like the one he always carried. Red hair. Standing on the beach. The club. I guess a lot of things remind me of him and that period in my life.

/Hard to believe five years have passed since Schu and Schwarz disappeared beneath the waves. Four years since Weiss ceased to be active. But it's funny; none of us has completely given up on that life. Omi splits his time between college and Kritiker. He's being groomed I think, by Manx and Birman, probably what Persia had in mind from the start. Someday, he'll take over. That will make him our boss. It won't be a problem, at least for me, he's been bossing me around since he was 15 or so. Lord knows someone has to. Ran and Ken still do the occasional mission. The rest of the time they're either teaching at their respective jobs, or spending time with each other. I really wish they'd just bite the bullet and move in together. Three years is a long time to be shuttling back and forth. Ken's teaching his soccer, he's also the only one that's still working at the flower shop. Ran is an instructor at a kendo/iaido dojo. He just won't put that katana down. And me. I'm doing what I've been doing for years. P.I.-Detective work, for Kritiker of course. I really don't work well within the confines of the law.

/I suppose if I really wanted to forget about him, I would have gotten out long ago. But I haven't. And I won't. Cause in spite of everything that happened, I don't have any regrets. Even on days like today. When everything reminds me of him. I actually saw someone with red hair. Not Ran's deep-hovering-on-maroon red, but red as in just-this-side-of-flaming-orange red. The type of red that you see coming out of Ireland. That red that screams freckles and nicknames like 'carrot top'. For a second I thought it might actually be him. But it couldn't be. I didn't see their face, but the hair was cut fairly short, maybe just past the collar of his black leather coat. Schu would never cut his hair. It couldn't have been him. But I wish it was. /

Time is a valuable thing

Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings

Watch it count down to the end of the day

The clock ticks life away…

/Incredible. Five years and he still looks the same. Well, there may be a few wrinkles around the eyes. But other than that, he's still as lean and graceful looking as ever. His hair's about the same length, pulled back in a short ponytail, I always thought that looked better on him. I can tell he's still working for Kritiker. Everyone with any connections in the underground knows Weiss technically disbanded four years ago. But he still moves like a panther. All sleek and cautious and ready to strike. I adore that about him. I wonder if he's found someone to replace me? I'm not so arrogant as to think he's been celibate these last five years. Youji is someone who never lacks for accompaniment. Male, female; doesn't really matter to him the gender. Looks aren't even all he's interested in. But he has an uncanny ability to read a person's soul. He's just as likely to take out some bimbo as a genius, but the thing they have in common is a good heart. Makes me wonder what he ever saw in me.

/I suppose it is stupid of me to just sit here, watching him. I thought maybe he might have spied me earlier, but he didn't act on it, so probably not. I can't decide if I want to be the one to instigate this possible reunion of sorts. I mean, what does he think of me, after I disappeared from his life five years ago. I could go look, but I won't. At the time, I didn't have a choice. It was the only course of action I could take, that wouldn't result in one or both of us dying. But if I was less of an ass I could have gotten in touch with him at some point in the last five years. At least just to let him know I was alive. But time, is a worse thief than any other. It robs us of our youth and it robs us of opportunities. Live passes by. Day by day, month by month, and before you know it, five years have passed. Five years, Schuldich. Five years you could have spent with him. Five years, gone forever. /

It's so unreal, didn't look out below

Watch the time go right out the window

Trying to hold on, but didn't even know

Wasted it all just to watch you go…

/He never appreciated himself. He acted all cocky and confident, he wasn't. How much of what he did and said was simply bravado, I may never know. But I do know he didn't think much of himself. 'Schwarz's whore.' That's how he referred to himself. Makes me wonder exactly what Crawford used the telepath for. I know he always wondered why I continued our relationship past that first time, that first tumble. Granted, I don't think that first time was really consensual on my part. He could have made me want it easily, and believe that it had been my idea, when it wasn't. But that really didn't matter to me. Quite simply, I liked him.

/So it doesn't particularly bother me that it might not have been my idea. I don't regret it. The only regret I do have is not holding on tighter when I felt him slipping away. I could have. We both could have. But we chose duty over desire. And Ran thought I was such a screw up. If only he knew.

/I couldn't tell the others what was going on. During that time, that would have been suicide. After he was gone… there was no point. I know Omi knew 'something' was happening, but I doubt he had any idea as to whom. Then again, he was so screwed at the time, he may not have been as aware as he normally would have been. Needless to say, he's never asked, and I've never offered.

/Before I knew it, it all just slipped away. I wish I'd done something besides watch him go. /

I kept everything inside an even though I tried, it all fell apart…

/I really tried, Yotan. After Schwarz disbanded, I tried to do things right. I couldn't make it, not on my own. When he was done with us, Crawfish just dumped us and took off. Bastard! I was expecting it, I'm sorry to say. But Nagi. Poor Nagi was crushed. Seems he'd latched on to Brad as some sort of a father figure. Poor kid. I should have warned him years ago. And Farf. Course Farf couldn't be left on his own. He just didn't have the capacity to cope with the 'real world'. So I got left trying to take care of a certifiable psychopath and an abandoned teen with suicidal tendencies. How fun.

/Lucky for us, Nagi actually has some marketable skills, once I snapped him out of his depression. If it wasn't for him and his computer knowledge… I'm not sure what would have happened. So Nagi supplied the income, I supplied the support. But it got to be too much for me. I wasn't ready to be a parent, no matter how old they were. I ended up drinking more. And, I'm ashamed to say, using drugs again. I should have known better. Maybe, if I'd been clean, the rest of the shit wouldn't have happened. Farf started to get worse. There came a point where he was beyond our capacity to care for him properly. But we held on. Nagi and I weren't willing to give up on him. He was a teammate, and a friend. So we kept going. Until the night he nearly killed the kid. I came home, to find Farf with his neck snapped and Nagi sobbing in the corner. He hadn't meant to kill the Irishman, it was an accident. The pale man had simply hit the wall wrong when Nagi threw him. The chibi was half-dead himself. Farf had gone at him with that poniard of his, lost in one of his delusions.

/Nagi's healed physically, but he's broken inside. Despite everything I tried, things just fell apart. /

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end…

It didn't even matter, I had to fall

To lose it all, but in the end, it doesn't even matter…

/I haven't been able to really 'be' with anyone since you. It's funny. You made me whole again. But then when you left, I found I was missing pieces of myself. I didn't notice it at first, but over time, those things become apparent. Usually at three in the morning when I can't sleep and the only thing left to do is think. I don't like to think. It upsets my world. I really fell apart about a year ago. Maybe it was simply the beginnings of my mid-life crisis, I don't know. But all of a sudden, I just didn't care anymore. About anything. I made some stupid mistakes that almost cost me my life more than once. Omi had a fit. Ken had a fit. Hell, even Ran had a fit. The three of them sat me down and ranted for over an hour. Then Omi had me pulled from active duty. It was pure Hell. Nothing to do but think. I got really depressed. I even stopped dating.

/Then the night when I finally came clean. To Ken of all people. I guess if there was gonna be anyone I would tell, it would be him. Course it took him getting me royally drunk, but it worked. I spilled the whole sorry tale to him. Have I ever mentioned that Ken is my best friend in the whole world? He just sat there, we were at his apartment, and just listened. He didn't judge, didn't comment; just let me spill my guts about events that took place four years before. Eventually, of course I passed out. He covered me with a blanket and went to bed. We've never spoken of it. And he's never told anyone that I can figure out. After that night, Omi put me back on and I picked up my life again. But it took me hitting bottom again to do it. /

It starts with one thing…

/Well… I'll never know till I try. /

'Yotan?'

/My God. The redhead. It is him. /

"Schuldich."

I tried so hard

In spite of the way you were mocking me

Acting like I was part of your property…

-Five years ago-

He hated it when the bastard did this. Schuldich had him pinned to the bed so he couldn't move. It was almost worse than being tied up. The man's hands were on his shoulder blades, weight holding him in place, lower body trapping the blonde's. His legs were splayed slightly, enough to give the German access. His own erection was pressing against the mattress, but he couldn't get enough leverage to do anything to relieve the growing ache.

The German just pounded into him, deliberately not making contact with the one spot that would make this bearable.

"Dammit, Schu! That fucking hurts!"

'Take it like a man, you big pussy.'

He started swearing at the man mentally as loud as he could.

"Scheisse, Kudou! Fine! You big baby." The redhead pulled out and let him roll over, then covered his body with his own. Their lips sought each other hungrily. 'Honey…'

'Huh?'

'You… taste like honey…'

Remembering all the times you fought with me

I'm surprised it got so far…

-Five years ago-

Youji struggled, as he practically tore the clothes from the man's lean body. The blond got a leg between them and shoved him off. He went tumbling off the bed and landed with a snarl. Youji calmly finished removing his shirt and started on his jeans. "You're so damn impatient."

"Bite me, Kudou."

Youji laughed and dropped the last of his clothing over the edge. The blond stretched out, waiting for him to finish fumbling with his clothes. "For being so eager you're certainly taking long enough."

"You look like a two-bit whore."

"Takes one to know one."

His temper flared and he slapped the blond hard enough to draw blood. Youji smirked and grabbed his outstretched hand, jerking him on to the bed. They wrestled for a bit, each fighting for the dominant position. Slapping, scratching, but nothing serious enough to leave marks, too many questions if they did. With a move too fast for Youji's eyes to follow he had the man flipped and pinned, his arm twisted up behind him. The blond struggled, but the advantage was definitely with him this time. Youji must have realized he'd lost, cause he quit struggling.

'You give?'

"Fuck you!"

'I'd rather fuck you.'

Things aren't the way they were before

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore…

Schu flipped the chair around and straddled it, his jade eyes never leaving Youji's face.

"Hi, Schu. You're looking well."

"I'm getting by. You?"

"The same, I guess. What you been up to?"

The redhead smiled and dug a cigarette out of his pack. "This and that."

"Aa."

"Yotan…"

"I'm a different person now, Schu. You wouldn't even know me anymore."

"You've changed that much, huh?"

"Yeah. I guess I have."

Not that you knew me back then

But it all comes back to me (in the end)…

"I supposed that's good, cause so have I."

"That's assuming of course that we actually knew each other back then."

"There is that."

The silence stretched out, uncomfortable.

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart…

Finally Youji reached his breaking point. "Do you even realize what you did? Did you think for a moment how I would feel? Do you have any idea what it was like to stand on that beach, looking for you? The first night, looking for you to struggle out of the surf. After that, going to look for your body. It fucking hurt Schu! Especially now. Now that I know you were alive the whole time. So don't come crawling back and think I'm just gonna pick up where we left off. I can't do that anymore. I can't face getting attached and having you leave again."

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of the time when

I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end

It didn't even matter, I had to fall

To lose it all, but in the end, it doesn't even matter…

"I know, Yotan. I understand more than you could possibly ever know. I don't expect forgiveness, and I don't expect acceptance. But I think you deserve an explanation. If you want to hear it?"

Youji met his gaze evenly. His eyes were like emeralds, and just as hard. Finally, he nodded once. Schu sighed softly in relief.

"It may sound stupid, but I really didn't have a choice. You know how careful we were, that no one else find out, cause we knew they wouldn't understand." Youji nodded again. "Well, I don't know if I screwed up or if his 'sight' just showed him something, but Brad found out." The blond sucked in a sharp grasp. "He of course, bastard that he is, wanted me to use our 'relationship'. Just another tool to destroy Weiss. I refused. It was probably the first time I'd ever openly defied him. I mean, I'd done plenty of bitching and going behind his back, but I'd never done it to his face before. After I managed to pick my mangled remains up from off the floor, he informed me that I had a couple of choices. I could 'use' you. I could dump you. Or he'd kill one or both of us.

"To be honest, it wasn't that hard of a choice. I would never 'use' you, at least not the way he wanted. Dying wasn't an option. I know I'm a bastard, but I'm fairly attached to my life, sad as it is. So to stop seeing you was the only thing I could do. I know it hurt you. I could see it in your eyes that night that I came for the girl. And the night of the ceremony. I made it to shore before you did. I watched you. You said I didn't have any idea what it was like to stand on that beach. Well, I do. I wanted so much to go to you. But I knew Crawford was out there somewhere. I couldn't know if he was watching me. So I did nothing.

"I know, I've given you no reason to trust me. I'm… I'm sorry, Yotan."

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go…

After Schu was done, he lowered his head, refusing to meet Youji's gaze any longer. The blond stared at that mop of red hair, and then out into the street. "I don't know what to think anymore. I can't be angry with you for your decision. We both knew what the consequences might be. I suppose I should thank you for making the choice you did." His voice got harder. "But you've had five fucking years to contact me. So what's you're excuse for that, huh? I'm sure Schwarz has known where we were, even if Weiss wasn't functional anymore. It's not as if I'm hard to find after all."

"Schwarz is gone. Has been for two years now. And yes, during that time Crawford was practically up my ass. I would never have been able to contact you and get away with it."

"And for the last two years?"

"It's been Hell, Yotan. Crawfish left. Farf's dead. And Nagi's a wreck. I was responsible for them. After Braddy was gone. I just… I can't do it. It's all my fault. I don't… I'm not asking you to forgive. I just felt you deserved something. I'm sorry I bothered you." He started to rise.

"Schu… don't go, yet. I just… I need a minute to think about all this. I don't know if I can trust you again. Not so soon. It's been rough for me too. I mean… it's gonna take a while, I think."

And for all this

There's only one thing you should know…

The redhead nodded. "I understand… but, can we at least try?"

I tried so hard, and got so far. But in the end

It didn't even matter, I had to fall

To lose it all, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.

-sin sin, tis done-

Aoe is gonna kill me for that ending. And yes, it is the end. I don't think any amount of begging or bribery will change that. I actually knew way back when I started the series that this last fic would be five years later. I'm simply ignoring the little Schwarz cameo at the end of the OVA and all the CD's. (Especially since I don't really know what takes place during the Schwarz CD's although I've heard I wouldn't like it.) These two are very hard to make stick. Personally, I think they will. It's an ending, but it is also a beginning. I'm intrigued by Schu's memories of the intervening time. I may just have to write it. Why not? I've still got two Linkin Park songs I picked out that I haven't used yet. One is slated for Schu, the other for Nagi; so who knows…