FINAL FANTASY VIII
Zell's Comedy Clips
(Open to the Roshfall Forest. Zell and Martine are walking through the forest)
Martine: So, you think you can tear down this whole forest?
Zell: Sure can. I was the champion tree feller, you know. I tore down the entire Kashkabald Forest.
Martine: No, no, no. You mean the Kashkabald Desert.
Zell: ...well, yeah. It is now.
(Cut to Balamb, the local tavern. Zell is sat at the bar. Xu walks in)
Xu: Well hi there, you Balamb hunk.
Zell: (checking her out) Hello there. Can I get you a drink?
Xu: Uh sure... I'll have a glass of champagne, I guess.
Zell: Is that what you guess, eh? (turns away from her) Well you can pissin' guess again!
(Cut to Winhill, the Golf Club. Zell is playing golf in the fields. He swings to hit the ball but he misses and falls over onto the ground. Cid comes over to help him up)
Cid: Are you okay?
Zell: Bastard! I missed the bastard!
Cid: You didn't just hit a golf ball down onto that road just now, did you?
Zell: Yeah, but it's okay - I got another ball.
Cid: Hm? You see, what happened was the ball went through the window of this coach full of children, see? And then it hit the bus driver, which caused the bus to plunge 50ft off the cliff into the sea below, and now he's dead.
Zell: Christ! And the kids?!
Cid: They're dead too. The kids are all dead.
Zell: (stunned) Wh... Whatever should I do?
Cid: Well, you've got to hold your golf stick properly. (helps Zell hold his golf club properly) There you go. You'll have a better chance of hitting the ball now.
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. There's a dog in the corner of the room licking his private parts. Zell is sat at the bar. Irvine walks in)
Irvine: (looking at the dog) Heh, look at that dog licking his own balls. I wish I could do that.
Zell: ...give him a biscuit, he might lick you.
(Cut to Winhill, the Golf Club. Zell has his head bowed in respect as a funeral car passes by. Cid approaches him)
Cid: It amazes me. You've been playing golf non-stop for the last three years, and you'd still stop for that funeral.
Zell: Well, it's out of respect. She was my mother, after all.
(Cut to Balamb, the local tavern. Zell is swatting flies. Seifer walks in)
Zell: (swatting the fly) Bastard... bastard ass fly... bastard! (the fly lands on Seifer's nose)
Seifer: Hey Chicken-Wuss, what the hell's this on my face?
Zell: Ah, well y'see in Balamb we call them ass flies, 'cause what they do is they fly around a chocobo's ass.
Seifer: Are you sayin' my face looks like a chocobo's ass?!
Zell: Why, no. I wouldn't be so rude as to say so - but you're not foolin' that ass fly.
(Cut to Chocobo Forest. Zell approaches Chocoboy)
Zell: Uh, hi. Look, I'm really sorry but I think I've just killed one of your chocobos.
Chocoboy: Really?! What colour was it?!
Zell: White.
Chocoboy: You haven't killed my prize male chocobo?!
Zell: I'm sorry.
Chocoboy: You wanker!
Zell: (takes out his wallet) I'd like to replace it.
Chocoboy: All right, if you're sure. The female chocobos are all behind the bushes. Do as many as you can.
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. Zell is sat at the bar with Irvine. Irvine begins to admire a pair of antlers on the wall)
Irvine: That's a fine set of antlers you've got there.
Zell: I'd say. They killed my uncle.
Irvine: What? Gored him to death?
Zell: No, you Galbadian prick! He was playin' chess and they fell on his head.
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Zell is sitting at the table. The lunch lady brings him a hot dog)
Lunch Lady: Here you go.
Zell: Did I order a hot dog?
Lunch Lady: No. That young woman with the nice hooters just bought it for you. She said she used to be in the same orphanage as you when you were still a child.
Zell: (thinks) Nope. There was no girl in my orphanage with a nice set of hooters...
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. Zell is talking to Irvine)
Irvine: Is it true that Squall had both his ears bitten off last week, Zell?
Zell: Oh yeah! 'Cause, what happened was Squall went to see Dr. Kadowaki and she said she'd get him some replacement ears, 'cause he couldn't hear properly because the part of the ear that catches sound had gone. So anyway, she got him some new ears, but the problem was they weren't a matchin' pair.
Irvine: Oh...
Zell: Y'see, one of 'em was a dog's ear, and the other one was a moogle's ear. Dr. Kadowaki said that if he let his hair grow over the ears then no one would notice. So she sewed 'em on and everything has been fine for him. Squall hasn't had no trouble. However, he went back to Dr. Kadowaki for a routine check up, just to be on the safe side.
Irvine: What happened next?
Zell: She asked him how his new ears were doing, and he told her the dog's ear was great because he could pick up minute whistles that no other human could hear.
Irvine: And what about the moogle's ear?
Zell: Well, he said he was gettin' a lot of crap out of that one.
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THE END__________
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Zell's Comedy Clips
(Open to the Roshfall Forest. Zell and Martine are walking through the forest)
Martine: So, you think you can tear down this whole forest?
Zell: Sure can. I was the champion tree feller, you know. I tore down the entire Kashkabald Forest.
Martine: No, no, no. You mean the Kashkabald Desert.
Zell: ...well, yeah. It is now.
(Cut to Balamb, the local tavern. Zell is sat at the bar. Xu walks in)
Xu: Well hi there, you Balamb hunk.
Zell: (checking her out) Hello there. Can I get you a drink?
Xu: Uh sure... I'll have a glass of champagne, I guess.
Zell: Is that what you guess, eh? (turns away from her) Well you can pissin' guess again!
(Cut to Winhill, the Golf Club. Zell is playing golf in the fields. He swings to hit the ball but he misses and falls over onto the ground. Cid comes over to help him up)
Cid: Are you okay?
Zell: Bastard! I missed the bastard!
Cid: You didn't just hit a golf ball down onto that road just now, did you?
Zell: Yeah, but it's okay - I got another ball.
Cid: Hm? You see, what happened was the ball went through the window of this coach full of children, see? And then it hit the bus driver, which caused the bus to plunge 50ft off the cliff into the sea below, and now he's dead.
Zell: Christ! And the kids?!
Cid: They're dead too. The kids are all dead.
Zell: (stunned) Wh... Whatever should I do?
Cid: Well, you've got to hold your golf stick properly. (helps Zell hold his golf club properly) There you go. You'll have a better chance of hitting the ball now.
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. There's a dog in the corner of the room licking his private parts. Zell is sat at the bar. Irvine walks in)
Irvine: (looking at the dog) Heh, look at that dog licking his own balls. I wish I could do that.
Zell: ...give him a biscuit, he might lick you.
(Cut to Winhill, the Golf Club. Zell has his head bowed in respect as a funeral car passes by. Cid approaches him)
Cid: It amazes me. You've been playing golf non-stop for the last three years, and you'd still stop for that funeral.
Zell: Well, it's out of respect. She was my mother, after all.
(Cut to Balamb, the local tavern. Zell is swatting flies. Seifer walks in)
Zell: (swatting the fly) Bastard... bastard ass fly... bastard! (the fly lands on Seifer's nose)
Seifer: Hey Chicken-Wuss, what the hell's this on my face?
Zell: Ah, well y'see in Balamb we call them ass flies, 'cause what they do is they fly around a chocobo's ass.
Seifer: Are you sayin' my face looks like a chocobo's ass?!
Zell: Why, no. I wouldn't be so rude as to say so - but you're not foolin' that ass fly.
(Cut to Chocobo Forest. Zell approaches Chocoboy)
Zell: Uh, hi. Look, I'm really sorry but I think I've just killed one of your chocobos.
Chocoboy: Really?! What colour was it?!
Zell: White.
Chocoboy: You haven't killed my prize male chocobo?!
Zell: I'm sorry.
Chocoboy: You wanker!
Zell: (takes out his wallet) I'd like to replace it.
Chocoboy: All right, if you're sure. The female chocobos are all behind the bushes. Do as many as you can.
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. Zell is sat at the bar with Irvine. Irvine begins to admire a pair of antlers on the wall)
Irvine: That's a fine set of antlers you've got there.
Zell: I'd say. They killed my uncle.
Irvine: What? Gored him to death?
Zell: No, you Galbadian prick! He was playin' chess and they fell on his head.
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the cafeteria. Zell is sitting at the table. The lunch lady brings him a hot dog)
Lunch Lady: Here you go.
Zell: Did I order a hot dog?
Lunch Lady: No. That young woman with the nice hooters just bought it for you. She said she used to be in the same orphanage as you when you were still a child.
Zell: (thinks) Nope. There was no girl in my orphanage with a nice set of hooters...
(Cut to Timber, the local tavern. Zell is talking to Irvine)
Irvine: Is it true that Squall had both his ears bitten off last week, Zell?
Zell: Oh yeah! 'Cause, what happened was Squall went to see Dr. Kadowaki and she said she'd get him some replacement ears, 'cause he couldn't hear properly because the part of the ear that catches sound had gone. So anyway, she got him some new ears, but the problem was they weren't a matchin' pair.
Irvine: Oh...
Zell: Y'see, one of 'em was a dog's ear, and the other one was a moogle's ear. Dr. Kadowaki said that if he let his hair grow over the ears then no one would notice. So she sewed 'em on and everything has been fine for him. Squall hasn't had no trouble. However, he went back to Dr. Kadowaki for a routine check up, just to be on the safe side.
Irvine: What happened next?
Zell: She asked him how his new ears were doing, and he told her the dog's ear was great because he could pick up minute whistles that no other human could hear.
Irvine: And what about the moogle's ear?
Zell: Well, he said he was gettin' a lot of crap out of that one.
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THE END__________
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