And Rach's last name comes from info on Craig's last name I got from digiserve.com/er, so if it's wrong, :-P!
I didn't get to see Dad as often as I would have liked to. Even when I was with him, he took me to work a lot. I'd spend hours in the lounge, or at the desk with Jerry. It wasn't his fault, and I loved being at work with him. Back then all I wanted to do was have him come to my soccer games and bring me ice skating. Mom kept me from him. No one will say it out loud, but it's pretty obvious. She thought he was too busy for us, and that he would have to pay for never being there. Mom can be vicious. It's what makes her good at what she does, I know that. But it doesn't mean I like it. She's always sweet and wonderful with me, and Craig too. Our dogs, my little brother...it's like a whole different world. Nothing like when I was little. I could hear them fighting, but I never told them I could. They didn't know that I fell asleep to the sounds of screaming, or that I had to sleep with a pillow over my ears to block it all out. It wasn't their fault, they just weren't meant to be is all.
Mom wanted me to stay with her, be her little girl. She turned me against dad, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. She'd tell me that he was never around when I was little and she'd idolize Craig, she just wanted me to hate dad. Like she did. She hated him because he hurt her, and because he hurt me. But he didn't hurt me as much as she did. I hate to say it, I love my mom and all, but she kept me from him, even when he was dying. She didn't want me to see him die, so when she let me visit him, she took me home before he went into the hospital. Before he was really about to die. I didn't want to go, I was old enough to make that choice. But mom didn't think so. And so I was whisked off into happy-land, where we were a family with Rachel, Jennifer, Mark, Stevey, Fuzzy and Curly. 2 adults, 2 children, 2 dogs. 3 females and 3 males. It was all proportional, all balanced and the way it should be. Only I was off balance, having 4 adults, (Mom, Dad, Craig, and Elizabeth), 3 children (Rach, Stevey and Ella), and 2 dogs (Fluffy and Curly). 5 females and 4 males. Nothing in my life was proportional or equal. It was all skewed, and I wasn't allowed to strike a balance. Not that I cared then, but by the time Ella was born, my 2 families needed balance. Dad was remarried and so was Mom, I had a sister now. I'd always wanted a sister, and Stevey was only a little older than Ella. I wanted to be there for Dad, I wanted to see Elizabeth. I wanted to be there when my grandfather died, when Dad was diagnosed with cancer and having surgery. Mom took it all away from me. Instead, I was there for Craig's mother's 80th birthday, Stevey's birth, Mom's big promotion...nothing that would compare to more memories with Dad.
Mom and Craig gave me a wonderful life, almost everything I wanted and needed. Except Dad. And when it was too late, and I didn't have Dad anymore, all I wanted was to see him again. I got a call from John Carter, telling Mom. She was out, and I was watching Stevey. (OK, his name's Steven, but that's too formal for a little kid.) And John didn't want to tell me, but I made him, and then I couldn't do anything until Mom came home. She left Stevey with Craig, who couldn't get off work. She told him she didn't want to send me alone. Mom would never admit it, but she came to the funeral. Elizabeth had me sit up with her, proclaiming me family and therefore worthy of the seat closest to my father's body. An odd concept, really. And when I turned to look at all of Dad's friends, I saw Mom in the back pew, and she was crying. She missed him. She's never say so, she's built up a new life, and she left him. But I wonder if all this time, she's wanted him back. Sometimes it seems that way. Elizabeth thanked me for coming, for sitting with her, for holding Ella during the ceremony. For holding her hand through it all when there was no one else to hold her hand, because that was the reason we were all here. I missed the dad I thought I knew, the Dad from the days of soccer leagues and birthday sleepovers, of movie star infatuations and bedtime stories. She knew him better than I ever did, she knew everything about him, she had his child. But I had to thank her for helping me when my own family tried desperately to seem so unfazed.
Now it's 5 females, 3 males. 3 adults, 3 children, and 2 pets. Nothing is balanced anymore, and I feel myself starting to tip over from it all. And there's no link anymore. Dad was the only connection I had to Chicago, to anything there. And now my life is spinning in two directions, opposite ends of the universe. And I'm being pulled to one side, like it or not, the heavier side. But I feel like I've got one foot on each side and I'm being ripped apart, one side of me spinning endlessly towards St. Louis and the other flying towards Chicago. We'll see which part arrives first, and in which part my heart resides. And that's where I'll go.