Timeline: One year after Voyager got stranded in the Delta Quadrant
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It had been a long day, an interminable day, and Janeway simply couldn't deal with it anymore. She stared at the PADD for many long minutes, not scrolling, not even reading, just trying to get her weary mind to focus.
And so her shift was slowly spent, each second ticking by with agonizing sluggishness. But there was so much to be done, and so much time was being wasted. If only she could concentrate!
Janeway hurled the PADD to the other end of the room and stood up angrily. As if it wasn't enough that she had gotten the ship stranded here, now she was becoming lazy as well!
She straightened, and decided she would not allow it. Her lips pursed in a stubborn line, she bent to retrieve the report from the floor and began to read.
Chakotay walked into the holodeck, and then stopped dead.
Captain Janeway was standing ramrod straight in the middle of a desolate cement courtyard, her face upturned to a downpour that punished her soft, easily-bruised skin. Her eyes were tightly closed; her fists were clenched. Water ran between her bony, white knuckles and then rushed to the ground, lost in an instant to the torrent of rain that fell from the angry, gray sky.
She was clad only in a dusky pink nightgown, and the silky piece of lingerie was drenched. Transparent over her reddened skin, it clung to every curve. Her hair, for once, wasn't in its regulation bun. Instead, it was plastered to her back, held slick and straight by the violent rainfall.
Frozen, Chakotay could only stare in utter shock. He had expected her to be asleep, or maybe so engrossed in a holonovel that she had dropped her commbadge in some remote corner without really thinking about it. He was completely unprepared to see her….hurting….herself. He didn't know what else to call it. Watching her, stiff as she took the punishment she had doled out for herself, paralyzed him for a long moment. Once again, Kathryn Janeway had thrown him for a loop.
Still, he snapped out of it quickly enough. Dashing into the storm, he shouted, "Captain!" over and over, but she didn't appear to hear him. Janeway was in her own world now, her own internal and external hell.
Chakotay's hands came down her shoulders, and he shook her as hard as he dared. "CAPTAIN!" But her eyes remained shut, and her body stayed rigid. Frowning as another wave of fearful concern overtook him, he contemplated her once again as the rain pelted his body. His head was beginning to ache.
"Why are you doing this?" he whispered, trying to figure her out. His voice was lost in the roar of water plummeting to pavement.
Chakotay grabbed her then, holding her tightly against his broad chest. "Kathryn," he murmured to her forehead, saying her name for the first time. "Please. You don't have to do this. Let me help you...."
She slumped against him, finally, her body yielding to the warmth and comfort his could provide. Kathryn was limp in his arms, pliant, and she molded to his form as her body shook with wracking sobs. His uniform was now just as sodden as her nightgown, and he knew the rough material was probably rubbing against her face uncomfortably.
He hoisted her up, holding her as one might hold a little child. She was unresisting, and she even laid her head on his shoulder. His own head was bowed against the fierce gales of wind as he pushed his way back to the arch. He was too preoccupied to think of simply ending the program.
Chakotay watched her face as he forced his way out of the holodeck. She had given herself over completely to her tears in the way of one who hasn't cried in too long a time. Her whole body shuddered against him.
After what seemed like an eternity but was, in reality, not even a minute, they made it out of the holodeck. Thankfully, there was no one in the corridor, and the strange silence assaulted both their ears.
He stood there for a moment, unmoving, trying to calm his racing heart and to convince his mind to start thinking again.
"Chakotay?" a small voice said plaintively, and for a moment Chakotay thought he had imagined it; it sounded so unlike his captain.
He looked down and saw her biting her lip. "Kathryn?" Rank had no business here.
"I- I don't know why I- I mean-" She broke off, biting her lip. "Don't tell anyone...."
Chakotay was silent. They should probably discuss this with the EMH. As soon as the thought was out, he immediately rebuked himself for thinking that he would be included in a discussion that personal. Don't set yourself up for pain. And don't you dare fall for her.
Of course, he knew it was too late, but he still made a valiant effort -- for her sake -- to stop himself from feeling anything whenever she touched him.
"Kathryn, are you sure don't want to talk this out with the Doctor?" he asked softly, wanting to ease carefully into the conversation.
"Yes." She began to struggle feebly in his arms, her dignity rising to the surface once more.
"Easy, easy," he calmed. "I won't tell anyone if you promise you won't do that again, and if you tell me why you felt compelled to it now."
Some of the fire went back into her eyes. "No. That is none of your business. Now put me down."
"No."
"Commander...." she said warningly, but her voice lacked its usual strength.
"Don't 'commander' me. What just happened in that holodeck was not normal. That was not someone enjoying the clean feel of rain on her face, that was someone punishing herself physically. And I want to know why."
"You're out of line."
"I disagree. But either way, I don't care. Believe it or not, I consider you a friend, and I am not going to stand by and watch you do this. Over the past few months we've been through a lot together, and we've developed quite a rapport. But if you'd rather look at it from the Starfleet perspective, as your first officer it is my job to ensure your safety and good health. Now spill!"
"Or what?" she asked mockingly, buying time, uncomfortably aware of his arms around her body.
"We'll walk to sickbay, like this, with me carrying you there because you're too stupid to care about your own health, and then I'll have the Doctor relieve you of duty until you tell one of us what's going on. Preferably me, just because."
Her mouth dropped open. "Did you just call me stupid?"
"It is how you're acting right now. This isn't a joke."
"That's insubordination! I could throw you in the brig for that!" she cried, stalling once again.
"I'd like to see you try," he said pointedly, his gaze raking over her body, curled in his arms.
She inhaled sharply, squirming, desperately willing herself not to feel. Think of Mark. I don't want to. "Fine. I'll talk. But if you breathe a word to anyone, I'll be forced to kill you." She wasn't sure why she was giving in, but it probably had something to do with the horrible weariness she felt, and the way his eyes looked so worried, yet so sincere. "Computer, site-to-site transport of Commander Chakotay and Captain Janeway to his quarters. Delete all records of the transport immediately after its conclusion, authorization Janeway-zeta-three."
-
He gave her his bathrobe. She looked even smaller than usual in the worn, gray flannel, as it was a few sizes too big for her petite frame. The water had disappeared from her hair and nightgown the moment they stepped out of the holodeck, but her skin still felt cold and clammy. Kathryn hadn't stopped shaking yet, but the intensity of the tremors had lessened.
She sat on his couch now, her hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee. Chakotay had positioned himself at the opposite end of the sofa, giving in to her unvoiced request for space.
"Kathryn," he prodded gently.
Brow furrowed, Janeway stared into the depths of her drink, as if hoping it contained the answers she sought. After a long minute, she finally looked up, and he almost didn't recognize her. Her familiar command mask was firmly in place, her expression determined.
"Thank you, Commander, for all your help. That will be all."
His mouth dropped open. "Are you kidding me?"
"Dismissed."
"Don't you dare. Kathryn, you scared me nearly to death today. I didn't know what was going on; I thought you were possessed by some alien in the beginning, but I don't think that's the case anymore. You know what, I don't care if whatever is bothering you isn't my business. It is now, and it became that the moment I walked in on you....punishing....yourself. Now why in space were you doing that, Kathryn?" he asked heatedly.
"I don't recall giving you permission to address me in that manner-"
"Well, what did you want me to call you when you lying practically passed out in my arms? When you clung to me like a baby as we stood there in the rain? Was that the time or place for 'Captain?'"
She looked away.
"I didn't think so."
"Chakotay....just....stop it. Please," she sounded so tired. "I'm fine, I really am. I was just a little angry; I was feeling a little confused....actually, I got to the point where I wasn't feeling much of anything except....um...." she trailed off in embarrassment, then stood up. "It doesn't matter. Thanks again. Goodnight."
Kathryn started to walk toward the door, the sight of her back a silent dismissal.
"Kathryn!" He shouted angrily, standing up as well. Still, a nagging part of his mind was starting to think he was pushing too hard, and maybe it was unnecessary. But he couldn't back down now.
He caught up with her in three quick strides, grabbed her by the shoulders, and whirled her around. She was crying soundlessly.
They both froze.
-
Kathryn's mind was whirring. On the one hand, she was the captain, her was her subordinate, and he could not be allowed to see her in a vulnerable position. On the other hand, he was her friend too, and she might be developing feelings for him - never mind that she was engaged and protocol forbade a romantic entanglement with him. She wanted so much to just tell him everything, to share her burden with someone who cared, and yet....she couldn't. It would be so easy to just give in, but she knew tomorrow she would regret it.
She forced herself to turn away.
-
But Chakotay would not be deterred. He followed her out of his own quarters and all the way into her bedroom, uncaring that she really could throw him in the brig at this point, on charges of harassment.
"Kathryn. Please. I don't care what you say, this isn't just some little thing. If you won't tell me, will you at least tell the Doctor?"
"No. I barely know the Doctor. And he's just a subunit of the computer anyway."
"Kathryn....you...." he shook his head. "This is going to eat away at you, isn't it? This journey is going to be a nightmare unless you find yourself a confidante. I won't force you to tell me, as long as you talk to someone else. Tuvok?"
"He just makes me feel worse. All that logic. It's not that simple." She dropped onto her bed. "Fine. I'll tell you. It doesn't sound like such a big thing though; you probably won't even understand the true complexity of it, the emotion behind-"
"Kathryn...."
"Fine." She took a breath. "It's, you see, today....it's the first yearly anniversary of me getting Voyager stranded in the Delta Quadrant," she said haltingly. "And all I can think about is how all these people must be blaming me. All I feel is a guilt. I haven't been sleeping well, and then I woke up screaming a few hours ago, and I decided enough was enough. I was going to give myself something else to feel, something else to be miserable about. And then I planned on just falling back asleep immediately, because I would have been so exhausted." She glared at him. "Everything would have been fine if you hadn't walked in on me."
He stared at her. "Everything would NOT have been fine. Kathryn, you have to understand that this is not your fault. You made the right decision. I agreed with you. If I hadn't, you would have heard from me, let me assure you. You did the right thing, saving the Ocampa. Yes, life on this ship is hard, but it's also rewarding. You don't have to....hurt yourself just to....I can't believe...."
"Don't, Chakotay."
"Kathryn....if you ever feel the need to do that again....promise you'll come talk to me instead. Please."
"If I promise, will you leave?" she asked acerbically.
"Yes."
"I promise."
"For real?" He raised an eyebrow doubtfully at her tone.
"Fine," she said flippantly.
"Kathryn...."
"I promise! Now go away."
"Are you sure you're ok now?"
"Yes!" she exclaimed, exasperated, falling backwards onto her pillow.
"Alright. I- Goodnight, Kathryn."
She turned to look him right in the eye. "Chakotay. I really will. I hope. Thank you."
"You hope?"
"If I don't, I give you permission to drag me out of the holodeck again."
"Kathryn, don't you dare...."
"I'm kidding!"
"Are you?" he asked meaningfully.
"Ok, ok. Goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow." She curled up into a ball and closed her eyes.
He walked out backwards, afraid to leave her alone.
-
As soon as the door hissed shut behind him, the tears burst out of her again. Life was just so unfair. And there were so many questions she didn't have an answer to. In her situation, what was she supposed to do: what was right for the crew, or for her? It had to be the crew, it had to be, and yet . . . was her life so inconsequential; did she not matter at all? And yet, and yet.
She wanted to tell him everything, the whole truth. It was a ridiculous urge, but Kathryn wanted to spill out her whole life's story to him if he would listen. And she knew he would. She wanted him to hold her when she got depressed like this, and she wanted to know she could go to him with even a trivial problem. And yet, she couldn't. Because there were a million reasons, but the most important one was that she wouldn't let herself.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
No, everything was not okay now, as she had told him. Far from it. And she had acted all flippant and uncaring, and even though she knew she sounded like a dumb blonde, she had kept at it. Anything so that he would leave before the inevitable burst of crying. A captain must always be strong.
No, everything was not okay. Far, far from it.
-
But the next day, it was as if nothing had happened, and it was never mentioned again. Still, neither would ever forget, and sometimes Kathryn caught him looking at her, anxiety like a second skin on his smooth, bronzed face.
fin
Jaclyn (musicnotej@aol.com)
The author craves feedback! Please include an appropriate subject or I might accidentally delete it.