A/N: I wrote this when I was on holiday in Spain (on paper). You see, that is the trouble with inspiration. It never leaves you alone. I really wish I didn't get so many sick ideas... Oh, blah. People, some of you might recognise one of your stories in here. Consider it a way of showing my respect for your work. (Mainly, I mention my own, to make sure not too many authors are offended.) I picked part of the opening from "Life of Brian".
Oh, and italics is when the Director is thinking – he's the only one who does. ( I certainly don't.)
Disclaimer: I'll leave it to you guys to figure out.
FATA MORGANA PROUDLY PRESENTS:
Timothy J. Owens and various mighty mutants in::::
THE DIRECTOR
Timothy Jeremy Owens was an ordinary baby. He grew and became an ordinary child, an ordinary youth and then an ordinary man. He was right about to settle into the ordinary life of an ordinary bachelor accountant, when his mutant power came into existence.
Now, young mister Owens holds the ability to make copies of people, de-age them, make them older, change their gender, and send them into different minds and dimensions – as long as they were born as fictional.
Now, he holds the immensely important position as the great Director.
"Right, I need a Jubilee here – number 47, you're unoccupied – read this story description, hmm?"
"Okay, that looks – wait, her?! No way, she only writes about me to torment me!"
"Have you been in her head before?"
"No, but number 34 told me..."
Damn. "Okay, number 1?"
"Yeah, I'll take anything. I haven't been in a story for weeks."
"You were spoiled when you were in GenX. Off you go." And let's hope Marvel doesn't want to use her for a while, because then I'll have to brief a new one. It's bad enough that they've just used Beast two places. I had to make number 72 read everything where Beast is mentioned, and then send him to New X-Men : E is for Extinction while number one is in X-Treme. At least he likes to read. I shudder to remember when they first gave Wolverine a book of his own... Luckily, we have one almost ready now, but I still wish the Marvel dudes could do with him in only one book.
"Right, now I need an Archangel and a Psylocke. Number 56 and 56, you two know this fanfic'er pretty well..."
"Let me see. Oh, no! I'm tired of being tortured and raped and killed! Ask number 29."
Sigh. "Very well. Psylocke number 29, are you busy?"
"No, I can take that one. By the way, do you know why me number 1 is so grumpy?"
"Something about being killed way too early in X-Treme X-Men. She says she'll stick around just in case she gets woken up to life again."
"It did happen rather fast."
"Yeah, well... Now I need Evolution cast number 82 –"
"Vat? Off to those bugs again? Oh, no. Vhen ve left, I had fallen for Scott! Blargh!"
"What's so bad about falling for me? I'm not that repulsive! Besides, I fell for the Professor!"
"If you think that's bad, you should see what she's planning for Magneto..."
"What was that, Director?"
"Nothing, Maggie. Off you go, the-"
"Oh, no! We're on strike!"
"Giving that poor girl writer's block again?"
"YES!"
Give me strength... "Fine, you can wait. Where's ordinary Wolverine number 112? I need him for the Tomb Raider crossover."
"He's on Little Red Riding Jubes. You know, the next chapter-story after Jubilee Ever After..."
"...which none of us expected would be written, yes. Anyone who wants to fill in?"
"Any sex scenes?"
"...not so far, number 66."
"Screw it, then."
Sigh. "Fine, fine. All right, now I need a full X-Men the Movie cast, and a Gambit and a Beast."
"All de Gambits are taken."
"Number 129, you can go. There's a story with you out there that won't be continued anytime soon... Evo cast number 82, why are you still here?"
"It's TODD!"
"MORTIMER!"
"TODD!"
"MORTIMER!"
"Toad and Toad, just SHUT UP! My day is bad enough already." And later, I have to convince seven Harry Potters and Draco Malfoys to stay in their slashy stories. Not to mention all those Cartmans running around, yelling about their "authorotah"... Gotta keep all those Dureena Nafeels and Max Eilersons from killing each other, too... "Right, now I need an Archangel, a Psylocke and a Thunderbird. Not you, Proudstar. Shaara."
"Nobody uses me, just because I'm dead."
"Life's hard. But Marvel's using number 1 in X-ILES now, maybe more fanfic'ers will use you."
"I hope so."
I don't. Too much stress. "Good, you're here. Read this story description."
""An alternate solution to the Archangel/Psylocke/Thunderbird triangle"? Sounds all right..."
"Warren number 49, last time you liked a story description, the story ended up pairing you with Iceman."
"How was I supposed to know? I thought I was in for something good."
"Why did you finish that one?"
"I don't know, rookie. Sense of duty, perhaps."
Yes, that's what's nice about all the Archangels...Except number 2 and 13, of course. "Hello, Evo cast number 96, welcome back. Did you have a nice trip?"
"I refuse to go back there ever again!"
"Calm down, Lance. Director, why doesn't Stun and Lynx come back here?"
"Because they were made up privately by a fanfic author, and is her property. You guys all somehow escaped the claws of Marvel and gang, so you come here instead of going to their heads. Move it, you're blocking the way. Now I need Movie cast 12, all the background kids at the school, and Nightcrawler number 22..."
"I REFUSE!"
"Mystique, you've been refusing for months!"
"I don't care! I would never have accepted if I knew I'd sacrifice my own son!"
"Mutter, you're hugging so hard, you're strangling me..."
"In Dream's End you nearly killed your daughter!"
"That was regular Mystique number 1, not me."
"Mutter, it's all right, I just want to get done so I can get a new assignment."
"Ditto, Fuzzy. Why'd we have to get stuck with the only natural sentimental Mystique in the whole flamin' group!?!?"
Wish I knew... "Okay, Evo cast 17?"
"Back to babyhood, ja?"
"That's right." FWAP!
"Gooo."
"Well said, baby Kurt. Your turn, Magneto."
"Oh, no! I refuse to be reduced to-" FWAP! "Gooo!"
I love this! Once they loose the ability to speak correctly, they can't protest! Hey, wait a minute, what's that?
"YES! We ESCAPED!"
"Archangel number 49? Psylocke number 27? Thunderbird III number 3? Didn't I just send you off?"
"The author wasn't sure if she should write the story, so we got away."
"Thank God for that."
I can't take this... "Stand still." ZIP! ZIP! ZIP! "Right, I've made new copies. Here, newbies, are the files with what this author knows about you. Read them for tomorrow, and then I'll send you off." Of course, time isn't normal here – a day can last an eternity, or an instant...
"Wolverine number 378, are you still on strike?"
"Yeah, and I will be, until that author lets me smoke my cigars."
"Great. Well, then, I'm done here for the time being! Let's see, where am I going now? Oh, yes..." SKLEE-WOMP.
"Dam-paaa-dara-pa-"
"Shut up, John Williams. Okay, I need a Luke Skywalker, a Wedge Antilles and various members of the Rogue Squadron..."
...an' thus, the story ends.
MORALE: Finish your stories, so the copies can get new assignments. (If you don't know how, I suggest you get an idea from chapter four of "Color me different" by Cera Toynbee).
Writer's block comes from overbooked or stubborn characters.
Don't use other people's characters without asking – they live in their creator's head, and the Director can't give you a copy, so you won't get them right without permission. If for example one of you asked me about being allowed to use Snake, I'd think about it, and send back a mail with a brief character description and the answer "yes", and then you'd have your very own Snake to use till the story ended.
Do you guys think I should write the story that upset Archangel, Psylocke and Thunderbird so much?