Thanks for all the reviews for my last story! This one is not as good, but I figured I'd post it anyway. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story.
TOW Monica Goes Home
"Monica, please come. It's been a year since any of us have seen you. And it's Rachel's birthday."
"Ross, I don't know if I can. I don't think I can face…everything."
"What, Chandler? He misses you like crazy, Mon. You should see him. I hate having to keep this a secret from him. If he knew I knew where you were…"
"But you promised. You haven't told anyone, have you?" Ross noticed the sudden desperation in her voice, but tried to ignore it.
"No…But that's all the more reason for you to come home. You owe it to your friends, Mon, especially Rach. You owe it to Chandler too. It hurt him as much as it hurt you. You can't just run away and pretend it never happened."
"Trust me, Ross, that's not what I'm doing. I definitely haven't forgotten what happened. And I just can't deal with Chandler right now. It's - it's too much."
"Are you going to let this come between you and your friends? Your own family? You and Chandler are one thing, and you know how I feel about that anyway, but there's no reason to push everyone else out of your life."
"Ross, I don't want to. I miss all of you too. I just need some time."
"And you won't even consider coming home for your best friend's birthday?"
Monica sighed, trying not to feel guilty. "Ross, I just don't think…"
"Just consider it. Please. For Rachel, if for no other reason."
"Okay, okay. I'll think about it."
"Great! Listen, I've already booked you a ticket."
"Ross…"
"No, Mon, listen. It's for 10:30 tomorrow morning. You can pick it up at the airport, if you decide to come. If you don't…then that's okay. But I'll be there to pick you up if you decide to come. That way, you'll have a day or two to see everyone again before the party."
"Fine, Ross. We'll see."
"Okay. I hope I'll see you tomorrow then. Love you, Mon."
"I love you too."
Monica slowly hung up the phone and sat down on the couch. She'd never admit it to her brother, but she missed New York. She missed her friends. She even missed Chandler. She hated it in Minneapolis. It wasn't so much the city itself…She just wanted to be home. She glanced around her small apartment, and couldn't help but sigh as she thought about the one she used to share with Chandler. He still lived there, but she had left it behind. She had left him behind.
After a moment, she went to her small desk and opened a drawer. She pulled out a picture of the six of them, sitting on the couch in Central Perk. They were all smiling at the camera, and she was sitting on Chandler's lap. They both looked so happy. So in love. And now, it had been a year since she had seen or spoken to her former fiancé. She couldn't believe that after everything they had shared, it had come to this. She wiped away her tears as she wondered what he thought of all this. She believed Ross when he told her he hadn't said a word to anyone about where she was, but she wondered how he managed to keep it a secret. Between Chandler and Rachel, she had expected him to break months ago.
She sighed as she replaced the picture in the drawer and walked into her room. She knew that even if she spent the whole night contemplating her decision, she wouldn't be able to come up with a good enough reason not to go. She might as well pack now and try to get some sleep. As much as she dreaded it, she was going home tomorrow.
Ross stood in front of the gate and scanned the arriving passengers anxiously. As much as he hoped she would be on the flight, he had prepared himself to be disappointed. He knew his sister well, and when she made up her mind about something, it was hard to change it. Even when everyone - even Monica - knew she was wrong.
He had come alone. He hadn't wanted to get anyone's hopes up just to disappoint them. Besides, if he told anyone he had talked to Monica, they would know he knew where she was. And as much as he hated lying to his parents and friends, he respected Monica's wishes and was careful not to raise suspicions. He knew Rachel well enough to know she wouldn't rest until he told. And the others would try their own methods to get the secret out of him. Phoebe would undoubtedly try to hypnotize him. Joey would pout and whine about how much he missed Monica, trying to make Ross feel guilty. And Chandler…Ross knew that he would do almost anything to find out where Monica was. But no one had any idea that he knew.
Just as Ross was about to give up, he saw a dark head emerge from the tunnel. He pushed his way through the passengers that were greeting loved ones, and tried to get a better look. When she raised her head, she looked directly at him and smiled. Ross smiled back and enveloped his sister in a warm hug, not wanting to let go. When he did, Monica smiled at him again, and brushed away a tear.
"Hey Ross. Bet you weren't expecting me to actually show up, were you? Well, you know I love to take every opportunity to prove you wrong."
"Mon, I'm so glad you're here. Everyone'll be so excited to see you!"
He saw apprehension flash in her eyes and wondered what she was thinking. But she only smiled bravely and gave him a slight nod.
"Let's get it over with then."
"Yeah, she's here, Dad… I know, I should have told you, but I wasn't sure she was coming… Yes, yes, I promise. We'll be over in a little while… Yeah, I think she wants to shower first… Yes…yes… No, I don't think so. She'll just talk to you when we get there… Dad, she's still kind of emotional… Yes, I'll tell her…Really… Dad, the sooner you hang up, the sooner I'll be there with her… Okay…Okay…Yeah, bye."
Ross turned to Monica, who was standing at this window, absently looking up at her old apartment and paying no attention to Ross's conversation with their father. She snapped to attention when he spoke.
"Dad says to tell you he loves you and to hurry on over."
Monica didn't turn to look at him, but kept her eyes on the window of Apartment 20.
"Yeah, can't wait. Mom will have plenty to say about my disappearing act, I'm sure."
"Come on, Mon. She'll be so happy to see you."
"But she'll still lecture me, like she always does."
Ross came over to her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Mon, you know that I'm behind you 100%. But, you did just run off and leave…everyone."
Monica nodded, agreeing with him. "I know. Believe me, I know."
Ross was quiet for a minute, watching her. When he spoke, his voice was sad.
"He's not there, Mon."
Monica turned, her eyes defiant.
"What makes you think I was looking for him? That used to be my apartment you know. Maybe I miss it."
Ross looked at her, his eyes telling her that he didn't believe her. After a moment, he continued as if she hadn't spoken.
"He's hardly ever there. He barely even sleeps there. And when he does, he sleeps in the guest room. He can't stand that apartment."
Monica turned away from him and sat down on the couch, staring at her hands. She got the implication of the words. Chandler hated living in their apartment without her.
"Why doesn't he move then?" Before she even said the words, she knew what Ross's answer would be.
"He keeps hoping you'll come back…"
Monica studied her fingers, remembering what his ring had looked like on her left hand. She shook herself and glanced at Ross.
"Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm back, Ross. Okay?"
Ross nodded silently and looked toward his best friend's apartment. He knew that Chandler would be shocked to see Monica, and he didn't want to have to deal with that right now. He didn't think Monica would object if they put it off altogether, but Ross wasn't going to let her off that easy. Chandler deserved that much, at least. Ross sincerely hoped Monica wouldn't break his heart all over again.
"We should get going. Mom and Dad will kill me if I don't bring you straight to them."
Monica nodded and wearily put on her coat. She dreaded the coming encounter, but not nearly as much as she dreaded having to look into Chandler's eyes again.
"Thank God that's over." Monica slumped onto the couch in Ross's apartment and glanced at her brother. "You'd think she'd at least act happy to see me. Even if she's not."
"She is, Mon. Really. Everyone has been so, so worried about you. Which reminds me, are you ready to go see everyone else?"
Monica looked away and took a deep breath before she nodded.
"I know I have to…But, Ross, do you think he's with them? I would much rather see Joey, Phoebe, and Rach first, before I have to see him. I don't think I can take it all at once."
Ross nodded and went to the phone. He dialed Rachel and Joey's apartment, and spoke to Joey.
"Hey Joe, it's me… Is Chandler there? Really, okay that's great. I need to talk to you guys. It's about Monica… I'll be over in a minute… Yeah… Okay, bye." Ross turned back to Monica, and handed her her coat. "Let's go. Chandler's working late tonight."
Monica stood up slowly, and tried to get control of herself. She had never felt so many conflicting emotions. She couldn't wait to see her friends again, and she knew they would be happy to see her. But she was nervous too. After what had happened, she wasn't sure how they would react to her.
In a few minutes, Ross was knocking on the door of Joey and Rachel's apartment. Monica tried to keep her eyes averted from the door across the hallway, but it was impossible. She wanted to cry as she thought about all the memories that were locked behind that door. She shrugged away her thoughts and turned around just as Rachel opened the door.
"Ross, what do-" She stopped short when she saw Monica standing next to Ross, her face revealing her uncertainty. Before Monica could open her mouth, Rachel had lunged at her and was hugging her fiercely.
"Monica! Oh my God, you're back! You're back!"
As soon as Joey and Phoebe heard her name, they ran to the door. Joey joined the hug, trying to hold in his tears, but Phoebe stood back, shocked, unable to speak. When Monica finally freed herself of Rachel and Joey, she looked at Phoebe, tears running down her face, unsure of what to do. After a long moment, Phoebe finally smiled and hugged her, trying to get over her shock long enough to welcome her friend.
"Hey Phoebs." Monica's voice was soft, still unsure. Phoebe pulled back and looked at her for a moment before she turned and made her way into the living room, motioning for the others to follow her. Rachel held Monica back for a second and hugged her again.
"Where were you? We were so worried."
"I know, Rach. But I had to go. Come sit down, and I'll explain."
Rachel nodded and followed Monica to the couch. As she sat down, she caught Phoebe's eye. She was surprised at the look on Phoebe's face. She didn't look very happy to see Monica. Rachel quickly realized that it wasn't Monica Phoebe was thinking about, but Chandler. Rachel sunk down onto the couch, apprehension coming over her in a sudden wave. She wasn't sure what was going on, but Monica was back. And that meant that both she and Chandler would have to deal with the events of the past. That might very well send Monica running back to wherever she had been for the past year. And she really didn't think Chandler could take it if she left again.
"So, that's about it. I don't really like Minneapolis, but I have an okay job, and a decent apartment. I missed you guys though."
"Oh, Mon, we missed you too. But why did you leave in the first place? Especially without explaining it to anyone…"
Monica looked down at her hands, knowing that now that the inevitable question had been posed, she was going to have to answer. She couldn't just put her friends off with a simple excuse. They knew what had happened, and she was sure they knew that was at least partly behind it. But she was also sure that they agreed with Ross - that it was no reason to leave, and that she had been wrong to walk out on Chandler and the rest of them. Before she could answer, the door to the apartment opened, and a familiar voice rang out.
"Hey guys, you wanna order pi-" He stopped a couple of steps into the apartment and stared at the scene before him. There were his friends - all of them. Ross had a guilty expression on his face, and Phoebe looked awfully worried. Joey was grinning, and so was Rachel, but she also looked a little worried. Between them sat Monica, her head bowed, not looking at him.
"M-Mon…" He reached for something, anything, to help him keep his balance. He managed to find the counter and leaned against it heavily, trying to process the fact that Monica was here, in the room with him. He was aware of nothing but her as she slowly turned to look at him, her eyes filling with tears.
"Hi."
As soon as her eyes met his, Chandler snapped back to reality and he crossed the room in three strides, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly.
"Monica…You're here. You're back. Oh, how I missed you." He continued rambling senselessly as he kissed her face and hair, afraid that if he let her go, she'd leave again. It was the last thing Monica had expected him to do, and she let herself be held for a moment. She pushed him away long before he was ready to let her go, afraid that if she stayed in his arms any longer, she'd break down completely. Chandler reluctantly allowed her to pull away and gazed at her silently, trying to read her face. A shadow passed over his eyes when she looked away, and he glanced toward Rachel, hoping for a sign from her. She simply shrugged her shoulders, indicating that she didn't have any answers either. Chandler turned back to Monica and gently turned her face towards him, forcing her to look at him. He touched her face gently, and sighed.
"Monica, I was so worried about you. You don't know how much I've missed you. Where have you been?"
"Minneapolis."
Chandler looked at her for another moment, his eyes asking her questions she couldn't answer just yet. The familiar look of compassion on his face was almost all she could take. She turned away from him, and returned to her spot on the couch. Chandler stayed where he was, watching her, feeling as if he couldn't look at her enough. But Monica was looking anywhere but at him.
Chandler sighed deeply and moved away from her. His relief at seeing her safe and healthy was beginning to subside, and was replaced with the familiar feeling of betrayal that he had felt every day for a year. He didn't know why she was acting so distant. He hadn't done anything wrong. She was the one that had left so abruptly, shattering his already broken heart. And now she was back, and it appeared that SHE was the one angry with HIM. He looked at his friends, who were watching both of them carefully, and closed his eyes. He didn't know what he was supposed to do now. No one else was saying a word. His head was spinning and he was more confused than he'd ever been. Finally, he turned and wordlessly walked back out the door, not even glancing back at the solemn group that still sat in silence.
They watched him leave, knowing that he needed some time to himself. Monica kept her eyes on her hands in her lap, not wanting to see the look of reproach she was sure was evident in all of their eyes.
After a few moments of silence, Rachel stood up.
"He won't want to be alone over there."
She walked out slowly, and they could hear her knock on the door and open it quietly. Ross moved over to sit beside Monica, and put his arm around her.
"Mon, you're going to have to talk to him."
She took a deep breath and looked up. She saw the pain in Joey's eyes, but she knew that he was sympathizing with her as much as he was with Chandler. Phoebe also looked concerned, and she knew Ross felt the pressure as much as anyone. She nodded slowly and closed her eyes.
"I know, Ross. I just…I don't know what to say to him."
"Well, you should start thinking about it, Mon. You can't just leave things like this."
"I know I can't. And I don't want to, Ross. But…how can he ever forgive me? Not only for leaving, but for what made me leave?"
"Chandler?" Rachel walked into the apartment hesitantly, looking for her friend. He wasn't in the living room, so she checked her old room, which Chandler used as his own. He wasn't there either. Rachel was starting to get worried. She turned and glanced out at the balcony, but it was empty. She walked slowly to the bedroom Chandler and Monica had shared, and opened the door. He was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, tears running steadily down his face.
Rachel went to him and sat down carefully on the edge of the bed.
"You okay, Chandler?"
Chandler slowly shook his head and turned onto his side, his back to Rachel.
"How can she do it, Rach? She leaves for a year, without any word to anyone, and when she comes back, she won't even look at me. I thought she was supposed to love me."
Rachel sat silently, not really knowing what to do. She hesitantly reached out and laid her hand on his shoulder, wondering what she should say. She had seen him cry - lots - over the past year, but it still broke her heart to see him so hopeless.
"Chandler, I know how much she hurt you. But it was hard for her too. Maybe running was the only way she could deal with it. But she's here now, and as hard as it is for you, just imagine how difficult it must have been for her to face us again. To face YOU again, Chandler."
"She's the one that left. She's the one that broke MY heart. She left me here, to live in this apartment that used to hold all of our dreams for a life together, and she took off to…what did she say, Minneapolis? What the hell's in Minneapolis? I wanted to work through it. No matter what happened, our relationship was strong enough to survive. I LOVE her, Rach. And after all that's happened, she just pushed me away - again."
"I'm sorry, sweetie. Maybe she'll be ready soon. I think she was a little surprised to see you back there, and maybe she was just in shock."
Chandler rolled over to face Rachel, a little angry. "And I wasn't? You don't think it shocked me to walk into your apartment and see her sitting there as if none of this ever happened? Like she never LEFT? My fiancée walked out of this apartment with no explanation, with only a kiss on the cheek and her ring in my hand. I want to know why. She has to tell me how she could leave after she promised to love me forever. I won't let her just walk out of here again without telling me."
As Rachel hugged him, they both heard the door to the apartment open and close. A moment later, Monica stood in the doorway, her eyes red from tears and her smile forced.
"Rach, can you, um, give us some time alone?"
Rachel nodded and squeezed Chandler's hand as she got up to leave. She hugged Monica as she walked past her, and whispered quietly in her ear so Chandler couldn't hear.
"He loves you, Mon…"
Monica stared after her, unwilling to believe that after everything she had done, Chandler could possibly still love her. She turned back to Chandler, who was lying still on the bed, his face expressionless and his eyes focused on the ceiling. She watched him for a moment, trying not to remember the many times she had watched him sleep as they lay in the bed together. When she spoke, her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her.
"Ross told me you slept in the other room."
Chandler sat up and turned toward her, still careful to avoid her eyes.
"I do."
Monica forced herself to walk over to him and sit down beside him. No matter how much she dreaded it, they had to talk. She knew Chandler would never let her off easy and start the conversation himself, so that meant it was up to her. She took a deep breath, willing her heart to stop racing.
"Chandler…I'm sorry."
He didn't respond to that. She hadn't really expected him to. Even to her, "sorry" sounded trite and petty. But she didn't know any other way to start the conversation.
"I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I'm sorry for not giving you an explanation. I'm sorry for not telling you where I was, or that I was okay. And I'm sorry for coming back the way I did. I should have warned you. But, to tell you the truth, I wasn't ready. I didn't know what to say to you…I still don't. But, please believe that I didn't do any of it with the intention of hurting you."
Chandler sighed and glanced at her. She was crying. He hated to see her cry. It took all the strength he had to keep from pulling her into his arms. He couldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. After a moment of silence, Monica continued, her voice shaking slightly.
"I know you were hurting too. But I, I couldn't take it, Chandler. I had to get away from here, and from everything that reminded me. And as much as I hated it, you reminded me most. It killed me to leave you. But if I had stayed, I felt like I would have exploded or something. It just hurt too much to be here."
"I hate it here, too. But not because of that. I hate it because everything, every single thing in this apartment, reminds me of you. And if I think about you, I think about how the woman I loved more than life left me when I needed her most. And then I just…collapse, Mon. It's like you literally took my strength with you."
"Chandler…"
"No, Mon. I'm going to talk for a minute. And you're going to listen, because YOU'RE the one that left ME. If you think that I wasn't hurting too, you are wrong. So, so wrong. When we lost the baby, my heart broke just as much as yours did. But I was trying to be strong, for you. And in return, you walked into the kitchen with a suitcase and handed me your engagement ring. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? My heart was already broken, Mon. Then you just ripped it right out and took it with you. Do you have any idea how it feels to watch the only person you've ever given your heart to walk out without even looking back? DO YOU?"
"No. I don't. But you have to understand-"
"No, YOU have to understand. I laid awake every night, wondering where you were, whether you were okay, if you were missing me, if you still loved me, if you EVER loved me. Do you have any idea what I went through? God, Mon, I can't sleep in this room. I can't even stand to be in here. I stay over at Joey and Rachel's every second I can, because every time I walk into this place, I'm reminded of how happy we were supposed to be. And then I remember just how happy I'm NOT."
"Chandler, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight when I left. After what happened-"
Chandler broke in angrily. "Say it, Mon. I don't think I've ever heard you actually say what "it" is that happened. Say the words. We lost our baby."
"I had a miscarriage. There, Chandler, I said it!"
"WE. Both of us. And it was a baby. OUR baby. WE lost our BABY, Mon. Say it."
"We, we…" Monica stuttered to a stop, realizing that he was right. She hadn't even said the word "baby" since the miscarriage. Her tears turned to sobs and she buried her face in her hands. Chandler sat beside her, helpless, his anger gone. After a moment, he tentatively reached out and brushed a hand against her hair. He hesitated only a second before he pulled her into his arms. Monica clung to him like he was her lifeline as he stroked her hair and tried to get her to calm down. He was sorry that he had reopened old wounds, but he was almost glad he had. They would never be able to talk about what happened between them without talking about the child they had lost. He didn't realize she would still be so traumatized by the experience. It had happened more than a year ago. But it was obvious that she hadn't let herself get over it yet.
"Mon, please don't cry. Please. I'm sorry."
Monica jerked upright and stared at him, her eyes wide with shock.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Chandler. Nothing. So don't apologize to me."
"I shouldn't have forced you. I should have known you weren't ready…"
Monica took a deep breath and looked at him. She reached for his hand, needing his strength, and rubbed her thumb over his fingers before she looked at him again.
"We, we lost our baby." She closed her eyes tightly and swallowed away tears. "We lost our baby, Chandler. You're right, that's the first time I said it. I covered it up in the technical terms, so I wouldn't have to face it. Because admitting it was more than I could stand."
She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him. Chandler was crying too, his shoulders shaking slightly. She placed a hand on his arm, wishing she could wrap her arms around him and try to comfort him. Instead she sat silently beside him, trying to get control of her own tears. She hated sitting next to him while he cried, and Chandler couldn't believe that he wasn't reaching out to hold her, to comfort her. But they stayed where they were, each wrapped in their own pain, isolated from each other.
It had been a long time since Chandler had cried about the baby. He hadn't forgotten by any means, but after Monica left, he concentrated more on his pain over losing her, since he felt there was something he could do about that, even if he had no idea what. But now the wound had been reopened. He knew it hadn't healed for either of them, because they hadn't been able to deal with it together. Monica left before they ever really got a chance to talk about it. Now, here they were. And as far as he was concerned, it wasn't helping anything. He knew that he couldn't sit there with her much longer without losing it. And he was afraid of the direction his loss of control might take.
"Mon, listen. I think we should both leave this for now. We WILL talk about it. And you will give me some answers about why you left. But I know I'm still in shock, seeing you again, and I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret. And I think you need to get some rest. I'm sure you've had a long, emotional day."
Monica looked at him, her eyes sad. He closed his eyes against them, ignoring the ache he felt. He wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her how much he still loved her, but he was still too hurt and angry to reach out to her.
"Monica, you have to promise me that you won't leave again. Not until we talk about… everything. Us. Promise."
Monica sighed and nodded. "I promise."
"Good. I'll go get Ross. I assume you're staying with him?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess."
Chandler nodded. He wanted to offer her old bedroom, but he knew he would never be able to stay in the same apartment with her tonight. Still, it didn't seem right. It had been her apartment after all. But he swallowed the words before he could say them and got off the bed.
"I'll be back with Ross in a minute."
Monica watched him leave the room, and lay back on the bed. Her room…She had slept here for years. And for the last two and a half, she had shared it with Chandler. They had been happy… She'd never imagined that their relationship would turn into this.
They all looked up expectantly when Chandler walked in. His red eyes and tear-stained face told them as much as anything else could. He flopped down in his chair and looked at them.
"Yes, we talked. No, we didn't talk about everything. I think we both need some time to get ready for that, so I left. Ross, she's pretty upset, so I would just take her home. Tell her I'll come over tomorrow, okay?"
Ross nodded, and got up to leave. Rachel stood up, too.
"I'll go with you. She might need me."
Chandler shot Rachel a half-grateful look. He knew that it would be easier for Monica to talk to Rachel than Ross. And as much as she had hurt him, he still felt the need to take care of her. If he couldn't, Ross and Rachel were the next best thing. There was no one he would sooner trust Monica with than her brother and best friend.
Chandler waited until Rachel came back and assured him that Monica would be okay before crossing the hall to his own apartment. He grabbed a Diet Coke out of the fridge, and silently cursed Monica for giving him the diet habit. Better a soda than beer, he thought wryly, knowing that if he started drinking tonight, he wouldn't stop.
He walked over to the window seat and sat down, gazing out the window thoughtfully. She was here. Right across the street from him. If she came to the window of Ross's apartment, he'd be able to see her. The thought gave him a warm feeling, but he pushed it away. He was relieved to know she was okay. But in a way, that almost made it hurt more. Because if she was safe, it meant that she had purposely let him wonder. She could have called him, told him where she was, that she was safe. He didn't let himself try to come up with excuses for her. He'd done that too often, and it only made everything worse.
He stood up and took the small box out of the hollow seat, where Monica had once hidden their Christmas presents. He sat back down and looked at the shoebox for a moment, wondering if he should open it. It had remained closed since he had put the items into the box a couple of days after Monica left. But now, he felt the need to reconnect with his past. He slowly pulled the top off and stared inside, his eyes filling with tears again as he started to remember the events that the small objects represented.
A book of matches from the London Marriott. The sock bunny and card she had given him on their first Valentine's Day. A broken key, bent and misshapen, that had lodged in her door when he tried to christen it. A pair of dice, taped together so that fours were showing on both - if you turned it right. A note she had left him one morning when she didn't want to wake him, telling him that she loved him and would miss him all day. There were several pictures of them together, both smiling and happy.
Chandler sighed as he pulled out the next object. Her ring. The ring he had placed on her finger, intending for it to remain there forever. He could still remember the look on her face when she slid it off her finger and pressed it into his hand. He opened the velvet box and looked at it, remembering how many times he had looked at it in the days before he proposed, and how devastated he had been when he thought she would choose Richard. Then he imagined her face when she said yes, and how his heart had literally stopped beating for a second.
He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, wondering if it had been a good idea to look through this sacred box again. He knew what was left, and he wasn't sure he could bear to hold the tiny items in his hands again. But he also felt that he had to finish what he started. With shaking hands, he reached into the box and pulled out the bag that he had brought home to Monica, the day after she told him she was pregnant. He held it in his lap for a moment, remembering how he had felt when she said those words…
Flashback
"Mon? Honey, I'm home!"
Monica walked out of their bedroom and over to Chandler. She greeted him with a kiss, then took his hands.
"Sweetie, come sit down."
"Okay… What are you smiling about? Did something happen at work today?"
"No, not at work. But I do have something I want to tell you."
"Well…what?"
Monica pushed him down into the armchair and sat down in his lap, her grin widening. Chandler wrapped his arms around her waist and reached up to kiss her, his mind busy trying to figure out what her news could be. It was obviously good. He hadn't seen her smile so big since they got engaged. Monica returned the kiss, then caressed his cheek with one hand.
"I love you, you know that?"
Chandler smiled. He was always amazed to hear her say those words, even after all this time.
"I know. Not that it doesn't still surprise me, but I know. I love you too."
"And now there's going to be someone else for us to love. Chandler, sweetie, we're having a baby!"
End Flashback
We're having a baby. A baby. The words reverberated in his head, just as they had on the day she told him. He had stared at her, shocked, for just a minute, before jumping up with her in his arms and swinging her around the room. At that moment, none of his commitment issues had mattered. He hadn't been scared. In fact, he had never been happier. He had wanted the baby immediately, with all his heart.
He opened the bag slowly and pulled out the tiny items he had presented to Monica the next day. She had cried, of course, just as he was crying now. The tiny pair of shoes had looked so cute in the store, and Chandler hadn't been able to resist them. He had bought a bib that said "Mommy's a good cook…" and Monica had laughed and hugged him. And then there was his favorite. When Monica pulled the onesie out of the bag, she had stood silently, looking at the little outfit and smiling softly. When she finally looked up, she had kissed him and whispered a "thank you" in his ear. He knew it wasn't for the clothes, but for what he had given her, and for what he was willing to give their child. His heart.
He ran his fingers over the letters on the front of the soft material. "My daddy loves me…" He broke down into sobs, clutching the tiny outfit in his big hands. Their future had seemed so bright back then, and now they were apart, both hurting. He didn't know why things had turned out the way they had, but he desperately wanted both of them to be happy again…
Monica bid Rachel goodbye and closed the door behind her. She was relieved that Rachel didn't seem to hold a grudge on Chandler's behalf. They hadn't really talked much, but Monica was grateful that Rachel had at least made an effort.
She walked into Ross's kitchen and looked for something to eat. Her nerves had prevented any kind of appetite all day, but now that it was over - for now - she was starving. He found some leftover chicken and rice and popped it into the microwave.
"Hey, Ross, you want some of this chicken?"
She could hear him shuffling around in his room, probably trying to find sheets for the couch.
"No, I'm fine Mon! Help yourself!"
Monica grabbed a soda out of the fridge and walked out into the living room. She never ate on the couch…but this was Ross's apartment, not hers. She sat down and started to eat, her mind drifting straight to Chandler.
He looked the same. She didn't know why, but she had expected something different. But he didn't look any different than he had when she left. She wondered what she looked like to him. She was glad that she had put on a few pounds in the past couple of months. She had lost a lot of weight after the miscarriage. She just never felt like eating. She knew that if her friends had seen her, they would have been worried. That was part of the reason she hadn't called. She didn't think she could stand having five extra people trying to control her.
But his eyes had been different. She was used to the sweet blue eyes that looked at her with nothing but love. Now, they were bitter. Hurt. Sad. Condemning.
She knew it was her fault. He was right. She should have stayed, and they should have worked through the pain of losing their child together. But she hadn't, and she wasn't sure she could have anyway. She knew Chandler wouldn't understand the way she felt, and she hadn't given him a chance to try. The look in his eyes tonight was what she was hoping to avoid when she left. But now there was nowhere for her to run.
She sat her bowl down on Ross's apothecary table and stood up. She walked over to the window and looked up at the dark window of their apartment. She quietly whispered that she loved him and blew a kiss toward the darkened window. She should be there with him. But she wasn't. She was sure he would never want her there again. Their chance at happiness was gone, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was the one that had thrown it away…
Chandler woke up in a cold sweat, tears running down his face. The dream was so familiar, but it still terrified him. The dream was the same every time. They were picnicking on the top of some cliff, watching the ocean break on the rocks below them. He would always lean over to kiss her before he got up, and walked back to the car for something. He was never quite sure what. When he turned around, Monica was standing at the edge of the cliff, gazing out at the sunset. He would walk toward her, but just before he reached her, she disappeared. It didn't seem like she went over the cliff, but more like evaporated. He reached the spot where she was standing only to find her engagement ring on the ground at his feet. And each time, as he leaned over to pick up the ring, he felt himself falling over the cliff. He woke up before he hit the water.
Each time, he woke up and automatically reached for Monica, to comfort himself by holding her in his arms. And each time, he felt only a cold pillow and an empty bed. This time, though, at least he knew she was okay. She was in the building next door, in Ross's care. The thought helped him relax, and he fought the urge to go over there now and reassure himself. There was no reason to wake up both the Gellers just because he'd had a bad dream. And he knew that if he saw her now, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from kissing her, declaring his love for her, and falling onto his knees to beg her to stay.
He got out of the bed and went to get a glass of water. As he passed by the window, he glanced down toward Ross's apartment. The drapes were closed and the window was dark. He pressed his fingers against his lips and silently sent her a kiss goodnight, then continued on into the kitchen.
Monica was sitting on the couch, waiting for the knock when it came. She slowly walked to the door and opened it, revealing him on the other side. He was wearing her favorite shirt. He looked at her a minute, then gave her a small smile as he walked past her into the apartment.
"Did you sleep well?"
His solicitous tone sounded forced, and she wondered what he was really thinking.
"Uh, yeah, fi-" She stopped and thought about it for a second before she continued. "No, no, not really."
Chandler nodded, pleased that she was at least being honest with him. As much as he dreaded what was about to come, it would be a lot easier if they both at least tried to be honest.
"Me neither. But then, I haven't slept all that well in about a year now."
She gazed at him steadily, and he looked away, slightly ashamed of himself.
"Sorry. Cheap shot, I know."
Monica sat down on Ross's couch, and he sat next to her, both of them wondering what they were supposed to say next. The silence became increasingly uncomfortable, until Chandler finally stood up and turned to her, his face expressionless.
"So, why Minneapolis, Mon?"
Monica looked up at him and shrugged. His breath caught at the wide innocence in her eyes. "It was the first flight out."
Chandler paused and ran his hands through his hair. He turned away, his voice slightly softer, sadder.
"You were that anxious to get away?"
Monica looked down at her hands, wondering how she should answer that.
"Yes…yes, I was that anxious to get away. I was afraid if I waited, you would find me and make me stay. And I couldn't do that. I would've made you miserable."
"And you avoided that by leaving me behind and making me wonder if I'd ever see the woman I loved again."
She sighed at the sarcasm in his voice, but didn't comment. She deserved it.
"Did you come after me?" Her voice suddenly sounded lost, almost wistful. Chandler turned to look at her, trying to read the expression on her face. She looked squarely back at him, her eyes questioning, wanting an answer.
"Yeah." He bowed his head, avoiding her eyes. "Yeah. But you were nowhere in sight."
Monica watched him for a moment, a lump in her throat. He had gone after her. The simple words made her heart soar, but the look on his face quickly brought her back to reality. His pain was evident, and she hated herself for putting that look on his face all over again. She stood slowly and took a step toward him, placing her hand on his arm and lifting his chin with a finger so she could look at him.
"I'm sorry. You know that I'm sorry, don't you? Chandler, if I had been in my right mind, I NEVER would have left you. Don't you know that I hate having to watch you hurt and knowing that I'm the reason?"
Chandler looked at her for a moment, his eyes watery. For a split second, Monica saw a familiar look in his eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. He shrugged away from her touch, and turned his back again, trying to get control of his emotions.
"I know you're sorry, Monica. You don't have to keep telling me. I believe you, okay? But I don't care what you feel now. We'll deal with that later. What I need to know is WHY. Why did you leave? What made you think that leaving was a better option than staying here - with me, Mon? Did you really have so little faith in our relationship? In ME?"
"No!" Monica involuntarily took a step toward him and reached out to touch his arm again. "No, Chandler, it wasn't you at all. It wasn't ever you. Of COURSE I had faith in you. You have never let me down, Chandler, not ever. Did you really think that was why I left? Because of you?"
Chandler sat back down on the couch and glanced at her before burying his face in his hands.
"Why else? As many times as I've gone over and over it in my head, I've never been able to come up with any other reason that made sense."
"Chandler..." She sat down on the apothecary table in front of him and took his hands in hers. "I left because I let you down, not the other way around."
Chandler lifted his head and looked at her in disbelief. "What do you mean, Monica? What did you do to let me down?"
"You have to ask?"
"Monica, WHAT are you talking about?"
"The day of the miscarriage, I had cramps. I thought it was just because I had eaten, and was really busy in the kitchen at work. I didn't even know I was bleeding… But it started hurting so badly, and I-"
She stopped suddenly, and stared at him, her eyes filling quickly with tears and sobs choking her. "If I had just paid more attention. If I hadn't moved the pots. If I hadn't carried the groceries. If I had just stayed home…We'd have our baby, Chandler. He would be here with us, alive and healthy, if I had just taken better care of him."
She broke down completely, and Chandler wrapped his arms around her, stunned. He couldn't believe what she had just told him. He knew she was terribly upset about losing the baby, and he had seen that she was having a hard time coping with their loss, but he had no idea that she had been blaming herself all this time. He understood that it was something that happened sometimes, and he thought she did too. But now she was telling him that she thought it was all her fault.
"Mon…Monica, look at me." He tilted her head up so he could see her eyes. She opened them reluctantly, and gazed at him silently.
"Monica, none of that was your fault. Sweetie, you had no idea what was happening. If you did, I KNOW you would have done everything you could to save our baby. And once anything happened to make you realize something was wrong, it was too late. You didn't do anything to make it happen. And you aren't a bad mother because it did. Mon, please. You can't blame yourself for this. It was out of your control."
"But Chandler-"
He interrupted, his voice strong but compassionate. "Listen to me. I do not blame you for the miscarriage. Do you hear me, Mon? I don't. I never did. You did not let me down, and you didn't let our child down. There was nothing, NOTHING, you could have done. You heard the doctors tell you that. I know that it's a mother's extinct to want to take absolute care of their baby, honey, but some things are out of even a mother's control. And this situation is one of those. It just… happened, Mon. It had nothing to do with you. Believe me, babe. Please."
Monica collapsed into his arms, and he held her close, stroking her hair and crying with her. He didn't know what else to say to make her believe him. He couldn't help but think if she had stayed with him, he could have told her all this a long time ago. But he refused to let his thoughts linger there. He concentrated on the woman in his arms, whispering words of comfort to her until her sobs finally ceased. He pulled away to look at her, without releasing her from his arms. She managed a shaky attempt at a smile. While it wasn't too convincing, he was glad that she at least tried.
"I can't believe you believed it was your fault all this time."
Monica looked away, biting her lip. Chandler reached for her hands and held them with his own. He leaned in to kiss her gently on the forehead, then pulled her onto the couch with him.
"Why didn't you tell me how you felt? Why didn't you talk to me, Mon, instead of leaving me here to try to live a life without you? Did you really think that was the best thing to do?"
Monica sighed, willing herself not to dissolve into tears again. "No, of course not. But that was the problem, Chandler, I wasn't thinking. I was…depressed, I guess. If I had been myself, I never would have left you. But, sweetie, every time I looked at you, I saw how much you were hurting. And I couldn't stand it, because I felt responsible. Don't you see? I thought it would be easier for both of us if I left. And deep down, I knew that it was a bad decision, but back then I didn't care. That's why I left so quickly, without telling you why. I knew you would try to talk me out of it, and I truly thought it would be better if we were apart."
"But Mon-"
"Chandler, I know. I know now that it was the worst thing I could've done. I mean, look at us now. Look what I've done to us. We would be married now, if I hadn't thrown it all away. We could have helped each other, if I had talked to you, or let you talk to me. But I didn't. And I'm sorry. If I could do it again, I would change everything, Chandler, but I can't. My only excuse is that I was grieving too much to realize what was happening. And you'll have to be content with that, because I don't have any other explanation."
"You're telling me that you left me because you thought I blamed you?"
Monica paused and thought for a minute. "Well, yeah. I blamed myself so much that I couldn't help thinking that you did too."
"You know I didn't, right? I don't, Mon. Really."
"I know. But you were so, so upset, Chandler. Almost more upset than I was. I hated seeing you like that."
Chandler sighed and leaned back against the cushions. "I know. I hated seeing you so hurt and upset, too. Especially when you wouldn't talk to me about it."
"Do you understand now? I mean, did I answer your question?"
Chandler closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "Yeah. I mean, I understand as much as I ever will. I just wish…" He let the thought trail off, and Monica nodded in agreement.
"We both wish things had turned out different."
They sat in silence, both contemplating the same question. Finally, Chandler asked it.
"So, um, wh-what now?"
"I, I don't know."
Chandler stood up and offered his hand. Monica took it and he pulled her up and into a hug. He kissed her softly on the cheek, and whispered into her ear.
"I'm glad we talked. I feel better now."
Monica nodded in agreement. "I know. Me too."
Chandler pulled away a little and gave her a small smile. "I know we have a lot more to work out, but I'm starving. Wanna have lunch?"
Monica smiled, relieved that he was acting more normal. "I'll get my jacket."
To Be Continued....Depending on reviews.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story.
TOW Monica Goes Home
"Monica, please come. It's been a year since any of us have seen you. And it's Rachel's birthday."
"Ross, I don't know if I can. I don't think I can face…everything."
"What, Chandler? He misses you like crazy, Mon. You should see him. I hate having to keep this a secret from him. If he knew I knew where you were…"
"But you promised. You haven't told anyone, have you?" Ross noticed the sudden desperation in her voice, but tried to ignore it.
"No…But that's all the more reason for you to come home. You owe it to your friends, Mon, especially Rach. You owe it to Chandler too. It hurt him as much as it hurt you. You can't just run away and pretend it never happened."
"Trust me, Ross, that's not what I'm doing. I definitely haven't forgotten what happened. And I just can't deal with Chandler right now. It's - it's too much."
"Are you going to let this come between you and your friends? Your own family? You and Chandler are one thing, and you know how I feel about that anyway, but there's no reason to push everyone else out of your life."
"Ross, I don't want to. I miss all of you too. I just need some time."
"And you won't even consider coming home for your best friend's birthday?"
Monica sighed, trying not to feel guilty. "Ross, I just don't think…"
"Just consider it. Please. For Rachel, if for no other reason."
"Okay, okay. I'll think about it."
"Great! Listen, I've already booked you a ticket."
"Ross…"
"No, Mon, listen. It's for 10:30 tomorrow morning. You can pick it up at the airport, if you decide to come. If you don't…then that's okay. But I'll be there to pick you up if you decide to come. That way, you'll have a day or two to see everyone again before the party."
"Fine, Ross. We'll see."
"Okay. I hope I'll see you tomorrow then. Love you, Mon."
"I love you too."
Monica slowly hung up the phone and sat down on the couch. She'd never admit it to her brother, but she missed New York. She missed her friends. She even missed Chandler. She hated it in Minneapolis. It wasn't so much the city itself…She just wanted to be home. She glanced around her small apartment, and couldn't help but sigh as she thought about the one she used to share with Chandler. He still lived there, but she had left it behind. She had left him behind.
After a moment, she went to her small desk and opened a drawer. She pulled out a picture of the six of them, sitting on the couch in Central Perk. They were all smiling at the camera, and she was sitting on Chandler's lap. They both looked so happy. So in love. And now, it had been a year since she had seen or spoken to her former fiancé. She couldn't believe that after everything they had shared, it had come to this. She wiped away her tears as she wondered what he thought of all this. She believed Ross when he told her he hadn't said a word to anyone about where she was, but she wondered how he managed to keep it a secret. Between Chandler and Rachel, she had expected him to break months ago.
She sighed as she replaced the picture in the drawer and walked into her room. She knew that even if she spent the whole night contemplating her decision, she wouldn't be able to come up with a good enough reason not to go. She might as well pack now and try to get some sleep. As much as she dreaded it, she was going home tomorrow.
Ross stood in front of the gate and scanned the arriving passengers anxiously. As much as he hoped she would be on the flight, he had prepared himself to be disappointed. He knew his sister well, and when she made up her mind about something, it was hard to change it. Even when everyone - even Monica - knew she was wrong.
He had come alone. He hadn't wanted to get anyone's hopes up just to disappoint them. Besides, if he told anyone he had talked to Monica, they would know he knew where she was. And as much as he hated lying to his parents and friends, he respected Monica's wishes and was careful not to raise suspicions. He knew Rachel well enough to know she wouldn't rest until he told. And the others would try their own methods to get the secret out of him. Phoebe would undoubtedly try to hypnotize him. Joey would pout and whine about how much he missed Monica, trying to make Ross feel guilty. And Chandler…Ross knew that he would do almost anything to find out where Monica was. But no one had any idea that he knew.
Just as Ross was about to give up, he saw a dark head emerge from the tunnel. He pushed his way through the passengers that were greeting loved ones, and tried to get a better look. When she raised her head, she looked directly at him and smiled. Ross smiled back and enveloped his sister in a warm hug, not wanting to let go. When he did, Monica smiled at him again, and brushed away a tear.
"Hey Ross. Bet you weren't expecting me to actually show up, were you? Well, you know I love to take every opportunity to prove you wrong."
"Mon, I'm so glad you're here. Everyone'll be so excited to see you!"
He saw apprehension flash in her eyes and wondered what she was thinking. But she only smiled bravely and gave him a slight nod.
"Let's get it over with then."
"Yeah, she's here, Dad… I know, I should have told you, but I wasn't sure she was coming… Yes, yes, I promise. We'll be over in a little while… Yeah, I think she wants to shower first… Yes…yes… No, I don't think so. She'll just talk to you when we get there… Dad, she's still kind of emotional… Yes, I'll tell her…Really… Dad, the sooner you hang up, the sooner I'll be there with her… Okay…Okay…Yeah, bye."
Ross turned to Monica, who was standing at this window, absently looking up at her old apartment and paying no attention to Ross's conversation with their father. She snapped to attention when he spoke.
"Dad says to tell you he loves you and to hurry on over."
Monica didn't turn to look at him, but kept her eyes on the window of Apartment 20.
"Yeah, can't wait. Mom will have plenty to say about my disappearing act, I'm sure."
"Come on, Mon. She'll be so happy to see you."
"But she'll still lecture me, like she always does."
Ross came over to her and put his hands on her shoulders. "Mon, you know that I'm behind you 100%. But, you did just run off and leave…everyone."
Monica nodded, agreeing with him. "I know. Believe me, I know."
Ross was quiet for a minute, watching her. When he spoke, his voice was sad.
"He's not there, Mon."
Monica turned, her eyes defiant.
"What makes you think I was looking for him? That used to be my apartment you know. Maybe I miss it."
Ross looked at her, his eyes telling her that he didn't believe her. After a moment, he continued as if she hadn't spoken.
"He's hardly ever there. He barely even sleeps there. And when he does, he sleeps in the guest room. He can't stand that apartment."
Monica turned away from him and sat down on the couch, staring at her hands. She got the implication of the words. Chandler hated living in their apartment without her.
"Why doesn't he move then?" Before she even said the words, she knew what Ross's answer would be.
"He keeps hoping you'll come back…"
Monica studied her fingers, remembering what his ring had looked like on her left hand. She shook herself and glanced at Ross.
"Just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm back, Ross. Okay?"
Ross nodded silently and looked toward his best friend's apartment. He knew that Chandler would be shocked to see Monica, and he didn't want to have to deal with that right now. He didn't think Monica would object if they put it off altogether, but Ross wasn't going to let her off that easy. Chandler deserved that much, at least. Ross sincerely hoped Monica wouldn't break his heart all over again.
"We should get going. Mom and Dad will kill me if I don't bring you straight to them."
Monica nodded and wearily put on her coat. She dreaded the coming encounter, but not nearly as much as she dreaded having to look into Chandler's eyes again.
"Thank God that's over." Monica slumped onto the couch in Ross's apartment and glanced at her brother. "You'd think she'd at least act happy to see me. Even if she's not."
"She is, Mon. Really. Everyone has been so, so worried about you. Which reminds me, are you ready to go see everyone else?"
Monica looked away and took a deep breath before she nodded.
"I know I have to…But, Ross, do you think he's with them? I would much rather see Joey, Phoebe, and Rach first, before I have to see him. I don't think I can take it all at once."
Ross nodded and went to the phone. He dialed Rachel and Joey's apartment, and spoke to Joey.
"Hey Joe, it's me… Is Chandler there? Really, okay that's great. I need to talk to you guys. It's about Monica… I'll be over in a minute… Yeah… Okay, bye." Ross turned back to Monica, and handed her her coat. "Let's go. Chandler's working late tonight."
Monica stood up slowly, and tried to get control of herself. She had never felt so many conflicting emotions. She couldn't wait to see her friends again, and she knew they would be happy to see her. But she was nervous too. After what had happened, she wasn't sure how they would react to her.
In a few minutes, Ross was knocking on the door of Joey and Rachel's apartment. Monica tried to keep her eyes averted from the door across the hallway, but it was impossible. She wanted to cry as she thought about all the memories that were locked behind that door. She shrugged away her thoughts and turned around just as Rachel opened the door.
"Ross, what do-" She stopped short when she saw Monica standing next to Ross, her face revealing her uncertainty. Before Monica could open her mouth, Rachel had lunged at her and was hugging her fiercely.
"Monica! Oh my God, you're back! You're back!"
As soon as Joey and Phoebe heard her name, they ran to the door. Joey joined the hug, trying to hold in his tears, but Phoebe stood back, shocked, unable to speak. When Monica finally freed herself of Rachel and Joey, she looked at Phoebe, tears running down her face, unsure of what to do. After a long moment, Phoebe finally smiled and hugged her, trying to get over her shock long enough to welcome her friend.
"Hey Phoebs." Monica's voice was soft, still unsure. Phoebe pulled back and looked at her for a moment before she turned and made her way into the living room, motioning for the others to follow her. Rachel held Monica back for a second and hugged her again.
"Where were you? We were so worried."
"I know, Rach. But I had to go. Come sit down, and I'll explain."
Rachel nodded and followed Monica to the couch. As she sat down, she caught Phoebe's eye. She was surprised at the look on Phoebe's face. She didn't look very happy to see Monica. Rachel quickly realized that it wasn't Monica Phoebe was thinking about, but Chandler. Rachel sunk down onto the couch, apprehension coming over her in a sudden wave. She wasn't sure what was going on, but Monica was back. And that meant that both she and Chandler would have to deal with the events of the past. That might very well send Monica running back to wherever she had been for the past year. And she really didn't think Chandler could take it if she left again.
"So, that's about it. I don't really like Minneapolis, but I have an okay job, and a decent apartment. I missed you guys though."
"Oh, Mon, we missed you too. But why did you leave in the first place? Especially without explaining it to anyone…"
Monica looked down at her hands, knowing that now that the inevitable question had been posed, she was going to have to answer. She couldn't just put her friends off with a simple excuse. They knew what had happened, and she was sure they knew that was at least partly behind it. But she was also sure that they agreed with Ross - that it was no reason to leave, and that she had been wrong to walk out on Chandler and the rest of them. Before she could answer, the door to the apartment opened, and a familiar voice rang out.
"Hey guys, you wanna order pi-" He stopped a couple of steps into the apartment and stared at the scene before him. There were his friends - all of them. Ross had a guilty expression on his face, and Phoebe looked awfully worried. Joey was grinning, and so was Rachel, but she also looked a little worried. Between them sat Monica, her head bowed, not looking at him.
"M-Mon…" He reached for something, anything, to help him keep his balance. He managed to find the counter and leaned against it heavily, trying to process the fact that Monica was here, in the room with him. He was aware of nothing but her as she slowly turned to look at him, her eyes filling with tears.
"Hi."
As soon as her eyes met his, Chandler snapped back to reality and he crossed the room in three strides, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly.
"Monica…You're here. You're back. Oh, how I missed you." He continued rambling senselessly as he kissed her face and hair, afraid that if he let her go, she'd leave again. It was the last thing Monica had expected him to do, and she let herself be held for a moment. She pushed him away long before he was ready to let her go, afraid that if she stayed in his arms any longer, she'd break down completely. Chandler reluctantly allowed her to pull away and gazed at her silently, trying to read her face. A shadow passed over his eyes when she looked away, and he glanced toward Rachel, hoping for a sign from her. She simply shrugged her shoulders, indicating that she didn't have any answers either. Chandler turned back to Monica and gently turned her face towards him, forcing her to look at him. He touched her face gently, and sighed.
"Monica, I was so worried about you. You don't know how much I've missed you. Where have you been?"
"Minneapolis."
Chandler looked at her for another moment, his eyes asking her questions she couldn't answer just yet. The familiar look of compassion on his face was almost all she could take. She turned away from him, and returned to her spot on the couch. Chandler stayed where he was, watching her, feeling as if he couldn't look at her enough. But Monica was looking anywhere but at him.
Chandler sighed deeply and moved away from her. His relief at seeing her safe and healthy was beginning to subside, and was replaced with the familiar feeling of betrayal that he had felt every day for a year. He didn't know why she was acting so distant. He hadn't done anything wrong. She was the one that had left so abruptly, shattering his already broken heart. And now she was back, and it appeared that SHE was the one angry with HIM. He looked at his friends, who were watching both of them carefully, and closed his eyes. He didn't know what he was supposed to do now. No one else was saying a word. His head was spinning and he was more confused than he'd ever been. Finally, he turned and wordlessly walked back out the door, not even glancing back at the solemn group that still sat in silence.
They watched him leave, knowing that he needed some time to himself. Monica kept her eyes on her hands in her lap, not wanting to see the look of reproach she was sure was evident in all of their eyes.
After a few moments of silence, Rachel stood up.
"He won't want to be alone over there."
She walked out slowly, and they could hear her knock on the door and open it quietly. Ross moved over to sit beside Monica, and put his arm around her.
"Mon, you're going to have to talk to him."
She took a deep breath and looked up. She saw the pain in Joey's eyes, but she knew that he was sympathizing with her as much as he was with Chandler. Phoebe also looked concerned, and she knew Ross felt the pressure as much as anyone. She nodded slowly and closed her eyes.
"I know, Ross. I just…I don't know what to say to him."
"Well, you should start thinking about it, Mon. You can't just leave things like this."
"I know I can't. And I don't want to, Ross. But…how can he ever forgive me? Not only for leaving, but for what made me leave?"
"Chandler?" Rachel walked into the apartment hesitantly, looking for her friend. He wasn't in the living room, so she checked her old room, which Chandler used as his own. He wasn't there either. Rachel was starting to get worried. She turned and glanced out at the balcony, but it was empty. She walked slowly to the bedroom Chandler and Monica had shared, and opened the door. He was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, tears running steadily down his face.
Rachel went to him and sat down carefully on the edge of the bed.
"You okay, Chandler?"
Chandler slowly shook his head and turned onto his side, his back to Rachel.
"How can she do it, Rach? She leaves for a year, without any word to anyone, and when she comes back, she won't even look at me. I thought she was supposed to love me."
Rachel sat silently, not really knowing what to do. She hesitantly reached out and laid her hand on his shoulder, wondering what she should say. She had seen him cry - lots - over the past year, but it still broke her heart to see him so hopeless.
"Chandler, I know how much she hurt you. But it was hard for her too. Maybe running was the only way she could deal with it. But she's here now, and as hard as it is for you, just imagine how difficult it must have been for her to face us again. To face YOU again, Chandler."
"She's the one that left. She's the one that broke MY heart. She left me here, to live in this apartment that used to hold all of our dreams for a life together, and she took off to…what did she say, Minneapolis? What the hell's in Minneapolis? I wanted to work through it. No matter what happened, our relationship was strong enough to survive. I LOVE her, Rach. And after all that's happened, she just pushed me away - again."
"I'm sorry, sweetie. Maybe she'll be ready soon. I think she was a little surprised to see you back there, and maybe she was just in shock."
Chandler rolled over to face Rachel, a little angry. "And I wasn't? You don't think it shocked me to walk into your apartment and see her sitting there as if none of this ever happened? Like she never LEFT? My fiancée walked out of this apartment with no explanation, with only a kiss on the cheek and her ring in my hand. I want to know why. She has to tell me how she could leave after she promised to love me forever. I won't let her just walk out of here again without telling me."
As Rachel hugged him, they both heard the door to the apartment open and close. A moment later, Monica stood in the doorway, her eyes red from tears and her smile forced.
"Rach, can you, um, give us some time alone?"
Rachel nodded and squeezed Chandler's hand as she got up to leave. She hugged Monica as she walked past her, and whispered quietly in her ear so Chandler couldn't hear.
"He loves you, Mon…"
Monica stared after her, unwilling to believe that after everything she had done, Chandler could possibly still love her. She turned back to Chandler, who was lying still on the bed, his face expressionless and his eyes focused on the ceiling. She watched him for a moment, trying not to remember the many times she had watched him sleep as they lay in the bed together. When she spoke, her voice was so quiet he could barely hear her.
"Ross told me you slept in the other room."
Chandler sat up and turned toward her, still careful to avoid her eyes.
"I do."
Monica forced herself to walk over to him and sit down beside him. No matter how much she dreaded it, they had to talk. She knew Chandler would never let her off easy and start the conversation himself, so that meant it was up to her. She took a deep breath, willing her heart to stop racing.
"Chandler…I'm sorry."
He didn't respond to that. She hadn't really expected him to. Even to her, "sorry" sounded trite and petty. But she didn't know any other way to start the conversation.
"I'm sorry, for everything. I'm sorry for leaving the way I did. I'm sorry for not giving you an explanation. I'm sorry for not telling you where I was, or that I was okay. And I'm sorry for coming back the way I did. I should have warned you. But, to tell you the truth, I wasn't ready. I didn't know what to say to you…I still don't. But, please believe that I didn't do any of it with the intention of hurting you."
Chandler sighed and glanced at her. She was crying. He hated to see her cry. It took all the strength he had to keep from pulling her into his arms. He couldn't do that. He wouldn't do that. After a moment of silence, Monica continued, her voice shaking slightly.
"I know you were hurting too. But I, I couldn't take it, Chandler. I had to get away from here, and from everything that reminded me. And as much as I hated it, you reminded me most. It killed me to leave you. But if I had stayed, I felt like I would have exploded or something. It just hurt too much to be here."
"I hate it here, too. But not because of that. I hate it because everything, every single thing in this apartment, reminds me of you. And if I think about you, I think about how the woman I loved more than life left me when I needed her most. And then I just…collapse, Mon. It's like you literally took my strength with you."
"Chandler…"
"No, Mon. I'm going to talk for a minute. And you're going to listen, because YOU'RE the one that left ME. If you think that I wasn't hurting too, you are wrong. So, so wrong. When we lost the baby, my heart broke just as much as yours did. But I was trying to be strong, for you. And in return, you walked into the kitchen with a suitcase and handed me your engagement ring. Do you have any idea how much that hurt me? My heart was already broken, Mon. Then you just ripped it right out and took it with you. Do you have any idea how it feels to watch the only person you've ever given your heart to walk out without even looking back? DO YOU?"
"No. I don't. But you have to understand-"
"No, YOU have to understand. I laid awake every night, wondering where you were, whether you were okay, if you were missing me, if you still loved me, if you EVER loved me. Do you have any idea what I went through? God, Mon, I can't sleep in this room. I can't even stand to be in here. I stay over at Joey and Rachel's every second I can, because every time I walk into this place, I'm reminded of how happy we were supposed to be. And then I remember just how happy I'm NOT."
"Chandler, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking straight when I left. After what happened-"
Chandler broke in angrily. "Say it, Mon. I don't think I've ever heard you actually say what "it" is that happened. Say the words. We lost our baby."
"I had a miscarriage. There, Chandler, I said it!"
"WE. Both of us. And it was a baby. OUR baby. WE lost our BABY, Mon. Say it."
"We, we…" Monica stuttered to a stop, realizing that he was right. She hadn't even said the word "baby" since the miscarriage. Her tears turned to sobs and she buried her face in her hands. Chandler sat beside her, helpless, his anger gone. After a moment, he tentatively reached out and brushed a hand against her hair. He hesitated only a second before he pulled her into his arms. Monica clung to him like he was her lifeline as he stroked her hair and tried to get her to calm down. He was sorry that he had reopened old wounds, but he was almost glad he had. They would never be able to talk about what happened between them without talking about the child they had lost. He didn't realize she would still be so traumatized by the experience. It had happened more than a year ago. But it was obvious that she hadn't let herself get over it yet.
"Mon, please don't cry. Please. I'm sorry."
Monica jerked upright and stared at him, her eyes wide with shock.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Chandler. Nothing. So don't apologize to me."
"I shouldn't have forced you. I should have known you weren't ready…"
Monica took a deep breath and looked at him. She reached for his hand, needing his strength, and rubbed her thumb over his fingers before she looked at him again.
"We, we lost our baby." She closed her eyes tightly and swallowed away tears. "We lost our baby, Chandler. You're right, that's the first time I said it. I covered it up in the technical terms, so I wouldn't have to face it. Because admitting it was more than I could stand."
She opened her eyes slowly and looked at him. Chandler was crying too, his shoulders shaking slightly. She placed a hand on his arm, wishing she could wrap her arms around him and try to comfort him. Instead she sat silently beside him, trying to get control of her own tears. She hated sitting next to him while he cried, and Chandler couldn't believe that he wasn't reaching out to hold her, to comfort her. But they stayed where they were, each wrapped in their own pain, isolated from each other.
It had been a long time since Chandler had cried about the baby. He hadn't forgotten by any means, but after Monica left, he concentrated more on his pain over losing her, since he felt there was something he could do about that, even if he had no idea what. But now the wound had been reopened. He knew it hadn't healed for either of them, because they hadn't been able to deal with it together. Monica left before they ever really got a chance to talk about it. Now, here they were. And as far as he was concerned, it wasn't helping anything. He knew that he couldn't sit there with her much longer without losing it. And he was afraid of the direction his loss of control might take.
"Mon, listen. I think we should both leave this for now. We WILL talk about it. And you will give me some answers about why you left. But I know I'm still in shock, seeing you again, and I'm afraid I'll say something I'll regret. And I think you need to get some rest. I'm sure you've had a long, emotional day."
Monica looked at him, her eyes sad. He closed his eyes against them, ignoring the ache he felt. He wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her how much he still loved her, but he was still too hurt and angry to reach out to her.
"Monica, you have to promise me that you won't leave again. Not until we talk about… everything. Us. Promise."
Monica sighed and nodded. "I promise."
"Good. I'll go get Ross. I assume you're staying with him?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess."
Chandler nodded. He wanted to offer her old bedroom, but he knew he would never be able to stay in the same apartment with her tonight. Still, it didn't seem right. It had been her apartment after all. But he swallowed the words before he could say them and got off the bed.
"I'll be back with Ross in a minute."
Monica watched him leave the room, and lay back on the bed. Her room…She had slept here for years. And for the last two and a half, she had shared it with Chandler. They had been happy… She'd never imagined that their relationship would turn into this.
They all looked up expectantly when Chandler walked in. His red eyes and tear-stained face told them as much as anything else could. He flopped down in his chair and looked at them.
"Yes, we talked. No, we didn't talk about everything. I think we both need some time to get ready for that, so I left. Ross, she's pretty upset, so I would just take her home. Tell her I'll come over tomorrow, okay?"
Ross nodded, and got up to leave. Rachel stood up, too.
"I'll go with you. She might need me."
Chandler shot Rachel a half-grateful look. He knew that it would be easier for Monica to talk to Rachel than Ross. And as much as she had hurt him, he still felt the need to take care of her. If he couldn't, Ross and Rachel were the next best thing. There was no one he would sooner trust Monica with than her brother and best friend.
Chandler waited until Rachel came back and assured him that Monica would be okay before crossing the hall to his own apartment. He grabbed a Diet Coke out of the fridge, and silently cursed Monica for giving him the diet habit. Better a soda than beer, he thought wryly, knowing that if he started drinking tonight, he wouldn't stop.
He walked over to the window seat and sat down, gazing out the window thoughtfully. She was here. Right across the street from him. If she came to the window of Ross's apartment, he'd be able to see her. The thought gave him a warm feeling, but he pushed it away. He was relieved to know she was okay. But in a way, that almost made it hurt more. Because if she was safe, it meant that she had purposely let him wonder. She could have called him, told him where she was, that she was safe. He didn't let himself try to come up with excuses for her. He'd done that too often, and it only made everything worse.
He stood up and took the small box out of the hollow seat, where Monica had once hidden their Christmas presents. He sat back down and looked at the shoebox for a moment, wondering if he should open it. It had remained closed since he had put the items into the box a couple of days after Monica left. But now, he felt the need to reconnect with his past. He slowly pulled the top off and stared inside, his eyes filling with tears again as he started to remember the events that the small objects represented.
A book of matches from the London Marriott. The sock bunny and card she had given him on their first Valentine's Day. A broken key, bent and misshapen, that had lodged in her door when he tried to christen it. A pair of dice, taped together so that fours were showing on both - if you turned it right. A note she had left him one morning when she didn't want to wake him, telling him that she loved him and would miss him all day. There were several pictures of them together, both smiling and happy.
Chandler sighed as he pulled out the next object. Her ring. The ring he had placed on her finger, intending for it to remain there forever. He could still remember the look on her face when she slid it off her finger and pressed it into his hand. He opened the velvet box and looked at it, remembering how many times he had looked at it in the days before he proposed, and how devastated he had been when he thought she would choose Richard. Then he imagined her face when she said yes, and how his heart had literally stopped beating for a second.
He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, wondering if it had been a good idea to look through this sacred box again. He knew what was left, and he wasn't sure he could bear to hold the tiny items in his hands again. But he also felt that he had to finish what he started. With shaking hands, he reached into the box and pulled out the bag that he had brought home to Monica, the day after she told him she was pregnant. He held it in his lap for a moment, remembering how he had felt when she said those words…
Flashback
"Mon? Honey, I'm home!"
Monica walked out of their bedroom and over to Chandler. She greeted him with a kiss, then took his hands.
"Sweetie, come sit down."
"Okay… What are you smiling about? Did something happen at work today?"
"No, not at work. But I do have something I want to tell you."
"Well…what?"
Monica pushed him down into the armchair and sat down in his lap, her grin widening. Chandler wrapped his arms around her waist and reached up to kiss her, his mind busy trying to figure out what her news could be. It was obviously good. He hadn't seen her smile so big since they got engaged. Monica returned the kiss, then caressed his cheek with one hand.
"I love you, you know that?"
Chandler smiled. He was always amazed to hear her say those words, even after all this time.
"I know. Not that it doesn't still surprise me, but I know. I love you too."
"And now there's going to be someone else for us to love. Chandler, sweetie, we're having a baby!"
End Flashback
We're having a baby. A baby. The words reverberated in his head, just as they had on the day she told him. He had stared at her, shocked, for just a minute, before jumping up with her in his arms and swinging her around the room. At that moment, none of his commitment issues had mattered. He hadn't been scared. In fact, he had never been happier. He had wanted the baby immediately, with all his heart.
He opened the bag slowly and pulled out the tiny items he had presented to Monica the next day. She had cried, of course, just as he was crying now. The tiny pair of shoes had looked so cute in the store, and Chandler hadn't been able to resist them. He had bought a bib that said "Mommy's a good cook…" and Monica had laughed and hugged him. And then there was his favorite. When Monica pulled the onesie out of the bag, she had stood silently, looking at the little outfit and smiling softly. When she finally looked up, she had kissed him and whispered a "thank you" in his ear. He knew it wasn't for the clothes, but for what he had given her, and for what he was willing to give their child. His heart.
He ran his fingers over the letters on the front of the soft material. "My daddy loves me…" He broke down into sobs, clutching the tiny outfit in his big hands. Their future had seemed so bright back then, and now they were apart, both hurting. He didn't know why things had turned out the way they had, but he desperately wanted both of them to be happy again…
Monica bid Rachel goodbye and closed the door behind her. She was relieved that Rachel didn't seem to hold a grudge on Chandler's behalf. They hadn't really talked much, but Monica was grateful that Rachel had at least made an effort.
She walked into Ross's kitchen and looked for something to eat. Her nerves had prevented any kind of appetite all day, but now that it was over - for now - she was starving. He found some leftover chicken and rice and popped it into the microwave.
"Hey, Ross, you want some of this chicken?"
She could hear him shuffling around in his room, probably trying to find sheets for the couch.
"No, I'm fine Mon! Help yourself!"
Monica grabbed a soda out of the fridge and walked out into the living room. She never ate on the couch…but this was Ross's apartment, not hers. She sat down and started to eat, her mind drifting straight to Chandler.
He looked the same. She didn't know why, but she had expected something different. But he didn't look any different than he had when she left. She wondered what she looked like to him. She was glad that she had put on a few pounds in the past couple of months. She had lost a lot of weight after the miscarriage. She just never felt like eating. She knew that if her friends had seen her, they would have been worried. That was part of the reason she hadn't called. She didn't think she could stand having five extra people trying to control her.
But his eyes had been different. She was used to the sweet blue eyes that looked at her with nothing but love. Now, they were bitter. Hurt. Sad. Condemning.
She knew it was her fault. He was right. She should have stayed, and they should have worked through the pain of losing their child together. But she hadn't, and she wasn't sure she could have anyway. She knew Chandler wouldn't understand the way she felt, and she hadn't given him a chance to try. The look in his eyes tonight was what she was hoping to avoid when she left. But now there was nowhere for her to run.
She sat her bowl down on Ross's apothecary table and stood up. She walked over to the window and looked up at the dark window of their apartment. She quietly whispered that she loved him and blew a kiss toward the darkened window. She should be there with him. But she wasn't. She was sure he would never want her there again. Their chance at happiness was gone, and as much as she hated to admit it, she was the one that had thrown it away…
Chandler woke up in a cold sweat, tears running down his face. The dream was so familiar, but it still terrified him. The dream was the same every time. They were picnicking on the top of some cliff, watching the ocean break on the rocks below them. He would always lean over to kiss her before he got up, and walked back to the car for something. He was never quite sure what. When he turned around, Monica was standing at the edge of the cliff, gazing out at the sunset. He would walk toward her, but just before he reached her, she disappeared. It didn't seem like she went over the cliff, but more like evaporated. He reached the spot where she was standing only to find her engagement ring on the ground at his feet. And each time, as he leaned over to pick up the ring, he felt himself falling over the cliff. He woke up before he hit the water.
Each time, he woke up and automatically reached for Monica, to comfort himself by holding her in his arms. And each time, he felt only a cold pillow and an empty bed. This time, though, at least he knew she was okay. She was in the building next door, in Ross's care. The thought helped him relax, and he fought the urge to go over there now and reassure himself. There was no reason to wake up both the Gellers just because he'd had a bad dream. And he knew that if he saw her now, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from kissing her, declaring his love for her, and falling onto his knees to beg her to stay.
He got out of the bed and went to get a glass of water. As he passed by the window, he glanced down toward Ross's apartment. The drapes were closed and the window was dark. He pressed his fingers against his lips and silently sent her a kiss goodnight, then continued on into the kitchen.
Monica was sitting on the couch, waiting for the knock when it came. She slowly walked to the door and opened it, revealing him on the other side. He was wearing her favorite shirt. He looked at her a minute, then gave her a small smile as he walked past her into the apartment.
"Did you sleep well?"
His solicitous tone sounded forced, and she wondered what he was really thinking.
"Uh, yeah, fi-" She stopped and thought about it for a second before she continued. "No, no, not really."
Chandler nodded, pleased that she was at least being honest with him. As much as he dreaded what was about to come, it would be a lot easier if they both at least tried to be honest.
"Me neither. But then, I haven't slept all that well in about a year now."
She gazed at him steadily, and he looked away, slightly ashamed of himself.
"Sorry. Cheap shot, I know."
Monica sat down on Ross's couch, and he sat next to her, both of them wondering what they were supposed to say next. The silence became increasingly uncomfortable, until Chandler finally stood up and turned to her, his face expressionless.
"So, why Minneapolis, Mon?"
Monica looked up at him and shrugged. His breath caught at the wide innocence in her eyes. "It was the first flight out."
Chandler paused and ran his hands through his hair. He turned away, his voice slightly softer, sadder.
"You were that anxious to get away?"
Monica looked down at her hands, wondering how she should answer that.
"Yes…yes, I was that anxious to get away. I was afraid if I waited, you would find me and make me stay. And I couldn't do that. I would've made you miserable."
"And you avoided that by leaving me behind and making me wonder if I'd ever see the woman I loved again."
She sighed at the sarcasm in his voice, but didn't comment. She deserved it.
"Did you come after me?" Her voice suddenly sounded lost, almost wistful. Chandler turned to look at her, trying to read the expression on her face. She looked squarely back at him, her eyes questioning, wanting an answer.
"Yeah." He bowed his head, avoiding her eyes. "Yeah. But you were nowhere in sight."
Monica watched him for a moment, a lump in her throat. He had gone after her. The simple words made her heart soar, but the look on his face quickly brought her back to reality. His pain was evident, and she hated herself for putting that look on his face all over again. She stood slowly and took a step toward him, placing her hand on his arm and lifting his chin with a finger so she could look at him.
"I'm sorry. You know that I'm sorry, don't you? Chandler, if I had been in my right mind, I NEVER would have left you. Don't you know that I hate having to watch you hurt and knowing that I'm the reason?"
Chandler looked at her for a moment, his eyes watery. For a split second, Monica saw a familiar look in his eyes, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. He shrugged away from her touch, and turned his back again, trying to get control of his emotions.
"I know you're sorry, Monica. You don't have to keep telling me. I believe you, okay? But I don't care what you feel now. We'll deal with that later. What I need to know is WHY. Why did you leave? What made you think that leaving was a better option than staying here - with me, Mon? Did you really have so little faith in our relationship? In ME?"
"No!" Monica involuntarily took a step toward him and reached out to touch his arm again. "No, Chandler, it wasn't you at all. It wasn't ever you. Of COURSE I had faith in you. You have never let me down, Chandler, not ever. Did you really think that was why I left? Because of you?"
Chandler sat back down on the couch and glanced at her before burying his face in his hands.
"Why else? As many times as I've gone over and over it in my head, I've never been able to come up with any other reason that made sense."
"Chandler..." She sat down on the apothecary table in front of him and took his hands in hers. "I left because I let you down, not the other way around."
Chandler lifted his head and looked at her in disbelief. "What do you mean, Monica? What did you do to let me down?"
"You have to ask?"
"Monica, WHAT are you talking about?"
"The day of the miscarriage, I had cramps. I thought it was just because I had eaten, and was really busy in the kitchen at work. I didn't even know I was bleeding… But it started hurting so badly, and I-"
She stopped suddenly, and stared at him, her eyes filling quickly with tears and sobs choking her. "If I had just paid more attention. If I hadn't moved the pots. If I hadn't carried the groceries. If I had just stayed home…We'd have our baby, Chandler. He would be here with us, alive and healthy, if I had just taken better care of him."
She broke down completely, and Chandler wrapped his arms around her, stunned. He couldn't believe what she had just told him. He knew she was terribly upset about losing the baby, and he had seen that she was having a hard time coping with their loss, but he had no idea that she had been blaming herself all this time. He understood that it was something that happened sometimes, and he thought she did too. But now she was telling him that she thought it was all her fault.
"Mon…Monica, look at me." He tilted her head up so he could see her eyes. She opened them reluctantly, and gazed at him silently.
"Monica, none of that was your fault. Sweetie, you had no idea what was happening. If you did, I KNOW you would have done everything you could to save our baby. And once anything happened to make you realize something was wrong, it was too late. You didn't do anything to make it happen. And you aren't a bad mother because it did. Mon, please. You can't blame yourself for this. It was out of your control."
"But Chandler-"
He interrupted, his voice strong but compassionate. "Listen to me. I do not blame you for the miscarriage. Do you hear me, Mon? I don't. I never did. You did not let me down, and you didn't let our child down. There was nothing, NOTHING, you could have done. You heard the doctors tell you that. I know that it's a mother's extinct to want to take absolute care of their baby, honey, but some things are out of even a mother's control. And this situation is one of those. It just… happened, Mon. It had nothing to do with you. Believe me, babe. Please."
Monica collapsed into his arms, and he held her close, stroking her hair and crying with her. He didn't know what else to say to make her believe him. He couldn't help but think if she had stayed with him, he could have told her all this a long time ago. But he refused to let his thoughts linger there. He concentrated on the woman in his arms, whispering words of comfort to her until her sobs finally ceased. He pulled away to look at her, without releasing her from his arms. She managed a shaky attempt at a smile. While it wasn't too convincing, he was glad that she at least tried.
"I can't believe you believed it was your fault all this time."
Monica looked away, biting her lip. Chandler reached for her hands and held them with his own. He leaned in to kiss her gently on the forehead, then pulled her onto the couch with him.
"Why didn't you tell me how you felt? Why didn't you talk to me, Mon, instead of leaving me here to try to live a life without you? Did you really think that was the best thing to do?"
Monica sighed, willing herself not to dissolve into tears again. "No, of course not. But that was the problem, Chandler, I wasn't thinking. I was…depressed, I guess. If I had been myself, I never would have left you. But, sweetie, every time I looked at you, I saw how much you were hurting. And I couldn't stand it, because I felt responsible. Don't you see? I thought it would be easier for both of us if I left. And deep down, I knew that it was a bad decision, but back then I didn't care. That's why I left so quickly, without telling you why. I knew you would try to talk me out of it, and I truly thought it would be better if we were apart."
"But Mon-"
"Chandler, I know. I know now that it was the worst thing I could've done. I mean, look at us now. Look what I've done to us. We would be married now, if I hadn't thrown it all away. We could have helped each other, if I had talked to you, or let you talk to me. But I didn't. And I'm sorry. If I could do it again, I would change everything, Chandler, but I can't. My only excuse is that I was grieving too much to realize what was happening. And you'll have to be content with that, because I don't have any other explanation."
"You're telling me that you left me because you thought I blamed you?"
Monica paused and thought for a minute. "Well, yeah. I blamed myself so much that I couldn't help thinking that you did too."
"You know I didn't, right? I don't, Mon. Really."
"I know. But you were so, so upset, Chandler. Almost more upset than I was. I hated seeing you like that."
Chandler sighed and leaned back against the cushions. "I know. I hated seeing you so hurt and upset, too. Especially when you wouldn't talk to me about it."
"Do you understand now? I mean, did I answer your question?"
Chandler closed his eyes and nodded slowly. "Yeah. I mean, I understand as much as I ever will. I just wish…" He let the thought trail off, and Monica nodded in agreement.
"We both wish things had turned out different."
They sat in silence, both contemplating the same question. Finally, Chandler asked it.
"So, um, wh-what now?"
"I, I don't know."
Chandler stood up and offered his hand. Monica took it and he pulled her up and into a hug. He kissed her softly on the cheek, and whispered into her ear.
"I'm glad we talked. I feel better now."
Monica nodded in agreement. "I know. Me too."
Chandler pulled away a little and gave her a small smile. "I know we have a lot more to work out, but I'm starving. Wanna have lunch?"
Monica smiled, relieved that he was acting more normal. "I'll get my jacket."
To Be Continued....Depending on reviews.