TOW Monica Goes Home - Part 3
Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine.
When Monica walked into the living room the next morning, she found Chandler wrapping Rachel's birthday gift at the table. Monica watched him for a moment, then walked past him to get a cup of coffee, letting her hand rest lightly on his shoulder as she went by. Chandler looked up at her, unable to keep a smile off his face.
"Good morning."
Monica poured her coffee and sat down at the table with him before she answered.
"Morning. How'd you sleep?"
Chandler hesitated before answering, wondering what he should say. Finally he just answered simply, even if it was a lie. "Fine. You?"
"Yeah, me too. But you should have woken me up and sent me back to Ross's. I didn't intend to intrude."
"Hey, this is really more your place than mine. I just happen to…live here."
"Well…thanks for letting me stay. It was nice to sleep in my own bed again."
Chandler just nodded, smacking a bow down on top of the box. He pushed the gift aside and turned his full attention to Monica, his face suddenly anxious and intense.
"Can we talk about something?"
Monica nodded, knowing exactly what was coming. She was relieved that he had brought it up, so that she didn't have to try to find the words to do it herself. Chandler stood up and took a couple of steps toward the couch, then turned back to face her, running his hand nervously through his hair.
"Okay. Well, last night, you said something. Something really…important. And what I need to know is - Did you mean it? Or do you even remember what you said? 'Cause you were asleep. At least I thought you were, but suddenly you were awake, and I wasn't sure if I really heard what I heard or if I just dreamed it, or if you were dreaming, or if-"
"Chandler." Her voice stopped him, and he stared at her, confused and worried. Monica stood up and walked toward him. "Chandler, I told you I love you. And of course I meant it. I would never say something like that if I didn't mean it. No matter what has happened, I never stopped loving you. Not for a second."
Chandler thrust his hands down into his pockets and looked into her eyes, tears filling his.
"You do? You still love me?"
"Of course I do." Monica took another step toward him, and reached for his hand, pulling it out of his pocket so she could wrap her fingers around his. "Did you, um, mean what you said to me?"
Chandler tightened his grip on her hand, and moved slightly closer. "You know I did."
Monica's breath caught in a quiet sob as she lifted her hand to his face, her eyes pleading.
"Say it, Chandler, please."
Chandler gazed into her anxious eyes, and moved his head so he could kiss the palm of the hand that rested on his cheek.
"I love you, Monica."
Monica's anxious face changed quickly, and she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Chandler hugged her back, closing his eyes and savoring the feeling of having her in his arms once again. It felt wonderful to say and hear those words again, and he wanted to just get lost in the moment and push everything else aside. But - though he didn't want to - he pulled back after just a moment, gently lifting her arms away from him and taking a small step backward, smiling softly in hopes that it would make it easier for her to hear what he was about to say.
"Monica, I love you. Every second you were gone, I thought about you and wished you were here with me. And you have no idea how it feels to hear you say that you love me back. But the fact still remains that you broke my heart. You left me here to worry about you, to constantly ache for you, and to wonder where you were and why on earth you were there and not here. I can't just…forget that. I wish I could, but I don't think I can. Not yet."
Monica nodded slowly, and took a step back herself, trying unsuccessfully to hide her disappointment that resolving things between them hadn't been just that easy. "Of course not. And I don't expect you to, Chandler. I know how much I must have hurt you… I wish I knew how to make it up to you, but I don't."
"Mon, I just need some time. I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I just don't feel like I can trust you right now. I'm scared, Monica. I'm scared that I'll get hurt again. And I don't know if I could make it through the heartbreak a second time."
"I know." Monica's voice was a whisper. She fought to hold back her tears, afraid that if she cried, he would feel obligated to comfort her. "I'm sorry, Chandler. So sorry."
Chandler nodded silently, unable to get any words past the lump in his throat. His conflicting feelings had kept him up all night. But he knew that no matter how much he loved her and wanted to go back to the way they used to be, that would be impossible. They both needed time to work out their feelings about the past year.
He paused and looked at Monica, wondering what she was thinking. She was staring absently into her almost-empty coffee cup, looking dejected. His first impulse was to move toward her and hug her tightly, promising that they would be okay, that they would work everything out. But he refused to make promises to her that he wasn't sure he would be able to keep. Swallowing away the words, he walked slowly into his room and closed the door softly behind him.
Chandler jerked to attention, wondering how long the phone had been ringing. He jumped up and grabbed for the phone, fumbling with the receiver for a moment before finally managing to lift it to his ear.
"H-hello?"
"Chandler? Oh, thank goodness. Are you okay? Where are you?"
"Huh? Rach? What is it? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?! Shouldn't I be asking you that? I've called like five times in the past twenty minutes. Where were you?"
"Um, I was here. I just…I don't know, I was kind of lost in space, I guess."
"Oh. Well, are you coming?"
"What? Where?"
"My PARTY, Chandler! Since Joey was helping Phoebe decorate, you promised to come and pick me up so I wouldn't have to walk in alone. You know I hate that."
"Oh! Yeah. What time is it?"
"It's 6:20. We're supposed to be there in 10 minutes."
"Oh, God. Rach, I'm so sorry. I lost track of time. I've just been lying here thinking since this morning."
"Mon, huh?"
"What else? Listen, Rach, I'll get dressed and be right over. I promise."
"Okay. Hurry, though! I don't want to be late for my own birthday!"
"I'll be right there."
Monica glanced anxiously around the room again. It was almost 6:45, and Rachel hadn't arrived yet. Neither had Chandler. Phoebe had told her that Chandler had planned on picking up Rachel and escorting her to the party, and Monica found that the thought upset her. She knew there was no reason for her to be upset. The plans had been made before she had arrived, and she couldn't expect Chandler to break a promise just to be her date, even if things were perfect between them. Besides, Rachel was her best friend, and Chandler had told her just that morning that he loved her. But the thought of her former fiancé walking into the room with her best friend instead of her made her knees weak and her heart pound with jealousy. And on top of that, they were late.
She crossed her arms across her chest and tapped her fingers impatiently on her arm. She had waited all day to see him again - to see how he would look at her and how he would act - and she wasn't sure how much longer she could take the tension. She suddenly realized that Joey was talking to her, and she was completely ignoring him, but she couldn't really make herself care. She gave him an apologetic glance just as the door opened, revealing Chandler with his arm around the birthday girl.
The small party erupted with cheers as Rachel stepped into the room, and Chandler leaned over to whisper something in her ear. Rachel hugged him tightly, then began to make her rounds, greeting the guests and basking in the glory awarded the guest of honor. Chandler watched her for a moment, smiling, then turned to scan the room while attention was on Rachel. Joey was hugging Rachel, while Ross hovered nearby, waiting for his turn. Phoebe was waving her arms in the air nearby, presumably in some kind of weird birthday blessing for Rachel. His eyes fell on Monica, who was standing by herself a few steps away, her eyes on him and her face solemn. He gave her a slight smile, and started to walk toward her after a moment's hesitation. But Rachel got there first, and Chandler knew he had to give the girls a moment. No doubt it would get emotional, as it always seemed to, and Chandler had no desire to get involved. He watched them hug, his gaze taking in his former fiancée's appearance. There was no doubt about it - she looked gorgeous. Her dress was strangely similar to the one she had worn to Ross's rehearsal dinner in London, though it was longer and a shade or two darker. Her hair was down around her shoulders, and she had curled it. It looked like it had when they first started dating, only longer. He preferred her hair long and straight, but tonight, she just looked perfect.
He watched her silently, a tiny smile playing around his lips as he thought about those first days, when they had tried so hard to convince themselves that they weren't falling in love. He knew the truth now. They hadn't been falling in love.
They'd both finished falling before they ever boarded that plane to London.
Monica glanced toward him, and his breath caught when their eyes met again. She gave him a tense smile as Rachel's sister arrived on the scene. Monica took the opportunity to move away from Rachel and towards Chandler.
"Hi."
"Hi."
They were silent for a moment as both looked down at their feet. Chandler finally allowed his eyes to rise to her face, and his hands automatically reached for hers. Monica looked up as their fingers touched and Chandler tightened his fingers around hers, trying to hide his discomfort.
"Having fun?"
Monica's eyebrows lifted slightly as she thought about that.
"Not really. But the evening is looking up."
Chandler felt his heart skip a beat as he answered her.
"Yeah…It's looking up. Listen, Mon, I've-"
He was interrupted by an announcement from Joey that Rachel was about to cut the cake. Chandler looked up in astonishment, and questioned his friend from where he was.
"Already? We just got here."
Joey made his way over to Chandler, and leaned in confidentially.
"Dude, it's chocolate. I can't wait any more!"
Chandler rolled his eyes as Monica tried to stifle a laugh, but they both followed Joey over to the table where the cake was displayed. Monica had already examined it and deemed it appropriate, even if she hadn't made it. Rachel stood poised with the knife, waiting on Chandler and Monica to come over before she cut it. As soon as she had, she took a piece for herself and handed Monica the knife as she walked away. Monica just smiled, her happiness at being given back her role as hostess eclipsing her exasperation at Rachel's behavior. Chandler stayed beside her for a few minutes, before wandering away to join Rachel and Phoebe a few steps away.
"Enjoying the party, Rach?"
Rachel smiled, and nodded happily.
"Yes, I'm having a great time. But there's one thing that can make it better."
"Dare I ask what that might be?"
"Dance with me."
Before Chandler could even start making his face and shaking his head, Rachel continued.
"Please, Chandler. I want you to have fun tonight too. And Monica's busy. Come on…"
Chandler just shook his head, knowing he couldn't deny the slightly whiny tone of Rachel's voice, especially not on her birthday.
"Rach, you know I'm not good at this game."
"You're not getting out of this. It's my birthday. Come on."
Chandler stuck his lip out in a mock pout, but Rachel ignored him as she dragged him out onto the dance floor. Chandler shrugged and put his hands on her waist, allowing her to make him sway to the slow beat of the song playing. Rachel put her arms around his shoulders, smiling in triumph. Chandler cleared his throat and tried his best to sound threatening.
"You know, you can't have a dance with the Chan-Chan-man, and a gift from him too. And since you already made your choice-"
"Oh, no you don't. I still get the present too. This dance is the least you can do. You owe me."
Chandler nodded, suddenly serious.
"I do owe you. You've helped keep me sane, Rach. I can't thank you enough for all the nights you just sat there with me so I wouldn't be alone. And all the times you tried to convince me that she still loved me and would be back. And when you refused to believe me when I claimed I didn't want her to come back anyway. And you were right, you know. I don't know what it means for me and Mon right now, but you were right about all of it."
"Of course I was right. Sooo…do you think you'll get back together?"
Chandler groaned, and closed his eyes briefly.
"I don't know. God, Rach, if you had any idea how much I love her…I can't imagine trying to live like I have the past few months for the rest of my life. I don't want to try to make a life for myself without her - and I don't want her to try to build one without me. I know I can forgive her for leaving. I've still got to work through it, but I know in the end I can. I can forgive her for anything, because I love her too much not to. But I'm not sure I can forget. I can't help thinking that every night she works late, or each time I come home and she's not there, I'll wonder if I've held her for the last time. You know what I mean?"
"I know," Rachel whispered softly, fighting her own tears at the situation. She didn't mention that she had been afraid all weekend that Monica would be gone again by the time the party rolled around. Her apprehension meant nothing next to Chandler's. "It'll get better, Chandler. Just listen to your heart. If you and Mon are destined for each other, you'll know it."
Rachel gave him a warm smile, hoping he would reciprocate. He did, then leaned in and kissed her on the forehead just as the song ended.
"Thank you, Rachel. You're the greatest. Happy Birthday."
"Thanks, Chandler. Now go talk to Monica. But hurry, 'cause I want to open my gifts!"
Chandler laughed at her childishness, but promised he would be watching when she opened them. He steered Rachel over to Joey, who swept her back out to the dance floor, while Chandler walked over to Monica.
"So, finished up with Rachel's cake-cutting?"
"Yeah. You looked like you were having fun."
"Yeah, well, you know Rachel. When she decides she's going to make you do something, she doesn't leave you a choice. Especially when it's her birthday."
"Yeah. That's Rachel, all right."
"So…now that the cake is cut, and we have a little time before we witness Miss Green demands our presence at the opening of her gifts…Would you dance with me?"
Monica gazed up at him, her face softening into a smile. She was glad he had asked.
"Yeah."
Chandler took her hand and led her to a less-crowded area of the room before pulling her closer to him and resting his arms around her waist. After a moment of hesitation, Monica let her arms encircle his neck, trying to read his reaction. He didn't seem bothered, so she relaxed and leaned in a little closer.
"Chandler, about this morning…"
"Shhh. Let's not talk about that right now. I just want to hold you."
Monica smiled, though her eyes were still uncertain. She gazed up at him, knowing that he was still confused, but thankful that he was at least trying. She hesitantly rested her head against his shoulder, sighing as she felt his arms tighten around her. It had been so long since she had felt the comfort of his arms like this, and she wanted to stay there, swaying gently to the music, for as long as she could. But in what seemed like seconds, the song was over, and Chandler was pulling away. He looked into her eyes for just a moment, as if he hoped to find the answers to his unspoken questions there, then slowly leaned in to kiss her.
In spite of her reservations, Monica allowed herself to be carried away by the kiss. She didn't let herself think about what was happening, or what it might mean. Neither did Chandler. He knew if he let his head enter into the matter, his brain would tell him this was a mistake. But his heart was telling him he had to remember what it felt like to kiss the woman he loved. He didn't think he had forgotten, but this feeling was even better than he remembered. And he knew that he couldn't lie to himself anymore. Rachel had been right. When he listened to his heart, it was all so simple. They belonged together.
Chandler pulled back reluctantly, and gazed into her familiar blue eyes. Without a word, he leaned his forehead against hers and breathed in deeply, closing his eyes.
"I'd forgotten how amazing it feels to kiss you…"
Monica smiled to herself and brushed his cheek with one hand, causing him to open his eyes and look at her.
"Mon…I love you. I was kidding myself to think it might be easier without you. There's nothing I want more than for us to be together again and happy."
"Oh, sweetie. Me too."
"Do you think it's possible? Honestly, Monica?"
Monica thought about it for a moment, wanting to give him a truthful answer. She could see the pain that lingered in his eyes, and she could guess the questions that plagued him.
"I don't know. That all depends on you, Chandler. Can you ever trust me again?"
"I - I don't know. I want to."
"Well, when you decide, you'll have your answer. I can tell you that I'll never leave. I can promise I'll do everything possible to keep from hurting you ever again. I can even stand by your side as I put a gold band on your finger and vow to love you for the rest of my life, but none of it means anything unless you believe me."
Chandler thought about that for a minute, before asking her softly, "What about you? Can you trust me?"
"Chandler, I told you yesterday that you have never let me down. Never. I would trust you with my life. I trusted you with my heart a long time ago."
"But you still left."
Monica averted her eyes, hoping he wouldn't be able to see how much that statement hurt her. But he had made his point. She knew she had to face the reasons that she had left, and she knew that he knew there was something more than just the baby. And she had to face up to herself honestly, so she could give Chandler the answers he needed to cope with what had torn them apart.
She looked back at him, finding that it hurt to look into his eyes. He still held her, but not as closely as he had a few moments before. Monica nodded slowly, acknowledging the truth in his statement, but unsure of how to answer it. As she was fighting for words, she was relieved to hear Phoebe announce that Rachel was about to open her gifts.
"Man, our friends sure do choose opportune times to interrupt us, don't they?" Chandler's voice was thick with sarcasm, and Monica tried to smile. She really wasn't all that upset at the interruption, but she knew Chandler probably was.
"Well, we should have known better than to try to have a serious conversation with them anywhere near us."
Chandler nodded, and surprised Monica by taking her hand and leading her over to where Rachel was seated, her eyes on the pile of gifts in front of her. As the rest of the guests gathered around, Chandler moved Monica in front of him, and rested his hands lightly on her shoulders, pulling her backward so that she was leaning against him. In spite of all the questions that remained unanswered between them, he couldn't escape his desire to have her close to him. He simply couldn't fight it, anymore than Monica could hide the sigh of contentment that lifted her shoulders beneath his hands as she leaned her head on his shoulder. They both caught their friends' knowing looks, but ignored them as Rachel reached for the first box.
An hour later, Rachel was gazing dreamily at the large pile of unwrapped gifts in front of her while Chandler half-heartedly helped Monica clean up the wrapping paper and boxes. As he stooped to pick up a stray piece of wrapping paper, Chandler glanced at Monica, trying to read the expression on her face. She looked tired and tense, as if she were simply waiting for it to be late enough so she could make her exit.
He wanted to surprise her with a hug from behind and a quick kiss on her cheek, but he held himself in check. He couldn't pretend that everything was fine between them, and he didn't want to lead her to that conclusion either. They still had to come to terms with the past before they could move on. So, as much as he wanted to put a smile on her face, he simply stuffed the paper and ribbon he was holding into the trash bag, and tried not to be concerned. But he was.
"Chandler." He jumped as Rachel put a hand on his arm and turned him to face her. "Thank you. For the boots. I love them, really."
Chandler managed a smile, then reached out to hug Rachel tightly. "I'm glad. I wanted to do something special for you, Rach, to thank you…for everything."
"Chandler, you didn't have to. You're my friend, and that's what I'm here for. To help you. And I would have been completely happy if all you had given me was the dance, but…I'm glad you gave me the boots too."
Chandler caught the twinkle in her eyes, though he knew she was serious. He gave her a smile, and stuck his hands in his pockets.
"Well, I'll remember that next year when I start wondering WHAT I can give Rachel that she won't return. Can't take back a dance, huh?"
"Never would. Not with you anyway."
"That's nice to know. So…happy?"
"I am. You?"
Chandler unconsciously glanced toward Monica, who was listening politely as Ross droned on about something. Rachel caught the glance, and her face was already worried when Chandler's eyes returned to her face. Chandler just gave her a weak smile and nodded.
"I could be, awfully easily. But I'm still working on it. I promise you'll be the first - eh, second - to know."
"Good. Try to beat Mon, though, okay? It'll drive her crazy if you tell me first."
"Yeah, it will. She hates to lose any game, even gossip. Now, it's your birthday. Quit worrying about me and go make yourself happy for awhile."
Rachel grinned and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "If you insist…"
As Chandler nodded, Rachel squeezed his arm and slipped away. Chandler's eyes went straight to Monica, and he smiled as she gazed back over Ross's shoulder. With a quick word to her brother, Monica broke away from Ross and walked over to Chandler, running her hand wearily through her hair. Chandler took her hands when she reached him, pulling her a little closer to him.
"You okay? You look tired."
"I am. But I'll be fine."
"Okay…"
"Don't worry about me, Chandler, it's just been a long couple of days. I'm fine, really."
"I believe you, Mon. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about you. It's habit." He gave her a quick half-smile and squeezed her hand, hoping she would smile back. To his relief, she did.
"That's better. Do you want me to take you home?"
Monica looked up at him shyly, though her smile was sad.
"You'd take me?"
Chandler nodded, confused. "Yeah…Why wouldn't I?"
Monica shrugged, averting her eyes. "I don't know. You came with Rachel."
"Yes, but Joey can walk Rachel home. They live in the same apartment after all."
Monica sighed, the sadness back in her eyes.
"Chandler, thank you. But I don't really have a home anymore. So you can't take me there."
"Monica," Chandler said softly, putting his hands on her shoulders, and lifting her chin with one finger so she would look at him. "Mon, we both know that your home is wherever I am. And mine is with you. I'm kidding myself if I think I can ever be happy anywhere that you're not. I've been miserable in that apartment without you. But last night, even though you weren't in the room with me, that place felt like home again, because you were there. I finally felt like I could breathe again. I want it to stay that way, Monica. And I'm going to try my best - whatever it takes - to make sure it does."
Monica smiled, wiping away tears with the back of her hand.
"You've always known just what to say…"
"Because I've always known you better than you know yourself." He paused, contemplating what he should say next. He took a deep breath and plunged on, hoping this would be a beginning to reconciliation. "And I know now that there's something else you need to tell me. And I know that until you do, we don't stand a chance. And I want a chance, Mon. I need that chance. Please help me."
Monica gazed up at him, her anxiety apparent in her eyes. She wasn't surprised that he had picked up on her secret. He was right, he knew her so well. She would have to tell him now. He deserved the whole truth.
She nodded slowly, and squeezed Chandler's hand.
"Okay. We'll talk. But you have to promise you won't get angry at me for not telling you before."
"Mon, I don't-"
"Promise."
"Okay. I'll try not to get mad."
Monica pulled him toward her, lifting herself onto her toes so she could kiss him tenderly on the forehead.
"Chandler…take me home."
He held her hand the whole way. And he marveled at the utter truth of her statement. They were going home. To their apartment. Not his. Not hers. Theirs. It seemed forever since it had been theirs.
But it was more than just the apartment. Home had a much greater meaning for both of them. It wasn't just the place where they lived, where they were - God willing - happy and complete. Home was the place in their hearts they had both sealed away, that had remained cold and empty while they were apart. And Chandler knew that as soon as they completely found each other again, that wonderful place would be reopened to them. And they would be home again, with each other. Where the most tender parts of their hearts already were.
They climbed the stairs slowly, both anticipating and dreading the coming conversation. Monica just wanted it over with. She would skip the process if she could and just have him know. But Chandler wondered if he was really ready for this. If it was bad enough for her to keep it from him, even now, he wasn't sure he was strong enough to hear it. But he had to. Tonight, there would be no secrets. And by the time they called it a night - whether it took an hour or three days - the past would be dealt with, and a decision would be made about their future.
And he hoped with all his heart that in the end, Monica would be home to stay.
TO BE CONTINUED....
Disclaimer: Nope, they're not mine.
When Monica walked into the living room the next morning, she found Chandler wrapping Rachel's birthday gift at the table. Monica watched him for a moment, then walked past him to get a cup of coffee, letting her hand rest lightly on his shoulder as she went by. Chandler looked up at her, unable to keep a smile off his face.
"Good morning."
Monica poured her coffee and sat down at the table with him before she answered.
"Morning. How'd you sleep?"
Chandler hesitated before answering, wondering what he should say. Finally he just answered simply, even if it was a lie. "Fine. You?"
"Yeah, me too. But you should have woken me up and sent me back to Ross's. I didn't intend to intrude."
"Hey, this is really more your place than mine. I just happen to…live here."
"Well…thanks for letting me stay. It was nice to sleep in my own bed again."
Chandler just nodded, smacking a bow down on top of the box. He pushed the gift aside and turned his full attention to Monica, his face suddenly anxious and intense.
"Can we talk about something?"
Monica nodded, knowing exactly what was coming. She was relieved that he had brought it up, so that she didn't have to try to find the words to do it herself. Chandler stood up and took a couple of steps toward the couch, then turned back to face her, running his hand nervously through his hair.
"Okay. Well, last night, you said something. Something really…important. And what I need to know is - Did you mean it? Or do you even remember what you said? 'Cause you were asleep. At least I thought you were, but suddenly you were awake, and I wasn't sure if I really heard what I heard or if I just dreamed it, or if you were dreaming, or if-"
"Chandler." Her voice stopped him, and he stared at her, confused and worried. Monica stood up and walked toward him. "Chandler, I told you I love you. And of course I meant it. I would never say something like that if I didn't mean it. No matter what has happened, I never stopped loving you. Not for a second."
Chandler thrust his hands down into his pockets and looked into her eyes, tears filling his.
"You do? You still love me?"
"Of course I do." Monica took another step toward him, and reached for his hand, pulling it out of his pocket so she could wrap her fingers around his. "Did you, um, mean what you said to me?"
Chandler tightened his grip on her hand, and moved slightly closer. "You know I did."
Monica's breath caught in a quiet sob as she lifted her hand to his face, her eyes pleading.
"Say it, Chandler, please."
Chandler gazed into her anxious eyes, and moved his head so he could kiss the palm of the hand that rested on his cheek.
"I love you, Monica."
Monica's anxious face changed quickly, and she threw her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Chandler hugged her back, closing his eyes and savoring the feeling of having her in his arms once again. It felt wonderful to say and hear those words again, and he wanted to just get lost in the moment and push everything else aside. But - though he didn't want to - he pulled back after just a moment, gently lifting her arms away from him and taking a small step backward, smiling softly in hopes that it would make it easier for her to hear what he was about to say.
"Monica, I love you. Every second you were gone, I thought about you and wished you were here with me. And you have no idea how it feels to hear you say that you love me back. But the fact still remains that you broke my heart. You left me here to worry about you, to constantly ache for you, and to wonder where you were and why on earth you were there and not here. I can't just…forget that. I wish I could, but I don't think I can. Not yet."
Monica nodded slowly, and took a step back herself, trying unsuccessfully to hide her disappointment that resolving things between them hadn't been just that easy. "Of course not. And I don't expect you to, Chandler. I know how much I must have hurt you… I wish I knew how to make it up to you, but I don't."
"Mon, I just need some time. I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I just don't feel like I can trust you right now. I'm scared, Monica. I'm scared that I'll get hurt again. And I don't know if I could make it through the heartbreak a second time."
"I know." Monica's voice was a whisper. She fought to hold back her tears, afraid that if she cried, he would feel obligated to comfort her. "I'm sorry, Chandler. So sorry."
Chandler nodded silently, unable to get any words past the lump in his throat. His conflicting feelings had kept him up all night. But he knew that no matter how much he loved her and wanted to go back to the way they used to be, that would be impossible. They both needed time to work out their feelings about the past year.
He paused and looked at Monica, wondering what she was thinking. She was staring absently into her almost-empty coffee cup, looking dejected. His first impulse was to move toward her and hug her tightly, promising that they would be okay, that they would work everything out. But he refused to make promises to her that he wasn't sure he would be able to keep. Swallowing away the words, he walked slowly into his room and closed the door softly behind him.
Chandler jerked to attention, wondering how long the phone had been ringing. He jumped up and grabbed for the phone, fumbling with the receiver for a moment before finally managing to lift it to his ear.
"H-hello?"
"Chandler? Oh, thank goodness. Are you okay? Where are you?"
"Huh? Rach? What is it? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?! Shouldn't I be asking you that? I've called like five times in the past twenty minutes. Where were you?"
"Um, I was here. I just…I don't know, I was kind of lost in space, I guess."
"Oh. Well, are you coming?"
"What? Where?"
"My PARTY, Chandler! Since Joey was helping Phoebe decorate, you promised to come and pick me up so I wouldn't have to walk in alone. You know I hate that."
"Oh! Yeah. What time is it?"
"It's 6:20. We're supposed to be there in 10 minutes."
"Oh, God. Rach, I'm so sorry. I lost track of time. I've just been lying here thinking since this morning."
"Mon, huh?"
"What else? Listen, Rach, I'll get dressed and be right over. I promise."
"Okay. Hurry, though! I don't want to be late for my own birthday!"
"I'll be right there."
Monica glanced anxiously around the room again. It was almost 6:45, and Rachel hadn't arrived yet. Neither had Chandler. Phoebe had told her that Chandler had planned on picking up Rachel and escorting her to the party, and Monica found that the thought upset her. She knew there was no reason for her to be upset. The plans had been made before she had arrived, and she couldn't expect Chandler to break a promise just to be her date, even if things were perfect between them. Besides, Rachel was her best friend, and Chandler had told her just that morning that he loved her. But the thought of her former fiancé walking into the room with her best friend instead of her made her knees weak and her heart pound with jealousy. And on top of that, they were late.
She crossed her arms across her chest and tapped her fingers impatiently on her arm. She had waited all day to see him again - to see how he would look at her and how he would act - and she wasn't sure how much longer she could take the tension. She suddenly realized that Joey was talking to her, and she was completely ignoring him, but she couldn't really make herself care. She gave him an apologetic glance just as the door opened, revealing Chandler with his arm around the birthday girl.
The small party erupted with cheers as Rachel stepped into the room, and Chandler leaned over to whisper something in her ear. Rachel hugged him tightly, then began to make her rounds, greeting the guests and basking in the glory awarded the guest of honor. Chandler watched her for a moment, smiling, then turned to scan the room while attention was on Rachel. Joey was hugging Rachel, while Ross hovered nearby, waiting for his turn. Phoebe was waving her arms in the air nearby, presumably in some kind of weird birthday blessing for Rachel. His eyes fell on Monica, who was standing by herself a few steps away, her eyes on him and her face solemn. He gave her a slight smile, and started to walk toward her after a moment's hesitation. But Rachel got there first, and Chandler knew he had to give the girls a moment. No doubt it would get emotional, as it always seemed to, and Chandler had no desire to get involved. He watched them hug, his gaze taking in his former fiancée's appearance. There was no doubt about it - she looked gorgeous. Her dress was strangely similar to the one she had worn to Ross's rehearsal dinner in London, though it was longer and a shade or two darker. Her hair was down around her shoulders, and she had curled it. It looked like it had when they first started dating, only longer. He preferred her hair long and straight, but tonight, she just looked perfect.
He watched her silently, a tiny smile playing around his lips as he thought about those first days, when they had tried so hard to convince themselves that they weren't falling in love. He knew the truth now. They hadn't been falling in love.
They'd both finished falling before they ever boarded that plane to London.
Monica glanced toward him, and his breath caught when their eyes met again. She gave him a tense smile as Rachel's sister arrived on the scene. Monica took the opportunity to move away from Rachel and towards Chandler.
"Hi."
"Hi."
They were silent for a moment as both looked down at their feet. Chandler finally allowed his eyes to rise to her face, and his hands automatically reached for hers. Monica looked up as their fingers touched and Chandler tightened his fingers around hers, trying to hide his discomfort.
"Having fun?"
Monica's eyebrows lifted slightly as she thought about that.
"Not really. But the evening is looking up."
Chandler felt his heart skip a beat as he answered her.
"Yeah…It's looking up. Listen, Mon, I've-"
He was interrupted by an announcement from Joey that Rachel was about to cut the cake. Chandler looked up in astonishment, and questioned his friend from where he was.
"Already? We just got here."
Joey made his way over to Chandler, and leaned in confidentially.
"Dude, it's chocolate. I can't wait any more!"
Chandler rolled his eyes as Monica tried to stifle a laugh, but they both followed Joey over to the table where the cake was displayed. Monica had already examined it and deemed it appropriate, even if she hadn't made it. Rachel stood poised with the knife, waiting on Chandler and Monica to come over before she cut it. As soon as she had, she took a piece for herself and handed Monica the knife as she walked away. Monica just smiled, her happiness at being given back her role as hostess eclipsing her exasperation at Rachel's behavior. Chandler stayed beside her for a few minutes, before wandering away to join Rachel and Phoebe a few steps away.
"Enjoying the party, Rach?"
Rachel smiled, and nodded happily.
"Yes, I'm having a great time. But there's one thing that can make it better."
"Dare I ask what that might be?"
"Dance with me."
Before Chandler could even start making his face and shaking his head, Rachel continued.
"Please, Chandler. I want you to have fun tonight too. And Monica's busy. Come on…"
Chandler just shook his head, knowing he couldn't deny the slightly whiny tone of Rachel's voice, especially not on her birthday.
"Rach, you know I'm not good at this game."
"You're not getting out of this. It's my birthday. Come on."
Chandler stuck his lip out in a mock pout, but Rachel ignored him as she dragged him out onto the dance floor. Chandler shrugged and put his hands on her waist, allowing her to make him sway to the slow beat of the song playing. Rachel put her arms around his shoulders, smiling in triumph. Chandler cleared his throat and tried his best to sound threatening.
"You know, you can't have a dance with the Chan-Chan-man, and a gift from him too. And since you already made your choice-"
"Oh, no you don't. I still get the present too. This dance is the least you can do. You owe me."
Chandler nodded, suddenly serious.
"I do owe you. You've helped keep me sane, Rach. I can't thank you enough for all the nights you just sat there with me so I wouldn't be alone. And all the times you tried to convince me that she still loved me and would be back. And when you refused to believe me when I claimed I didn't want her to come back anyway. And you were right, you know. I don't know what it means for me and Mon right now, but you were right about all of it."
"Of course I was right. Sooo…do you think you'll get back together?"
Chandler groaned, and closed his eyes briefly.
"I don't know. God, Rach, if you had any idea how much I love her…I can't imagine trying to live like I have the past few months for the rest of my life. I don't want to try to make a life for myself without her - and I don't want her to try to build one without me. I know I can forgive her for leaving. I've still got to work through it, but I know in the end I can. I can forgive her for anything, because I love her too much not to. But I'm not sure I can forget. I can't help thinking that every night she works late, or each time I come home and she's not there, I'll wonder if I've held her for the last time. You know what I mean?"
"I know," Rachel whispered softly, fighting her own tears at the situation. She didn't mention that she had been afraid all weekend that Monica would be gone again by the time the party rolled around. Her apprehension meant nothing next to Chandler's. "It'll get better, Chandler. Just listen to your heart. If you and Mon are destined for each other, you'll know it."
Rachel gave him a warm smile, hoping he would reciprocate. He did, then leaned in and kissed her on the forehead just as the song ended.
"Thank you, Rachel. You're the greatest. Happy Birthday."
"Thanks, Chandler. Now go talk to Monica. But hurry, 'cause I want to open my gifts!"
Chandler laughed at her childishness, but promised he would be watching when she opened them. He steered Rachel over to Joey, who swept her back out to the dance floor, while Chandler walked over to Monica.
"So, finished up with Rachel's cake-cutting?"
"Yeah. You looked like you were having fun."
"Yeah, well, you know Rachel. When she decides she's going to make you do something, she doesn't leave you a choice. Especially when it's her birthday."
"Yeah. That's Rachel, all right."
"So…now that the cake is cut, and we have a little time before we witness Miss Green demands our presence at the opening of her gifts…Would you dance with me?"
Monica gazed up at him, her face softening into a smile. She was glad he had asked.
"Yeah."
Chandler took her hand and led her to a less-crowded area of the room before pulling her closer to him and resting his arms around her waist. After a moment of hesitation, Monica let her arms encircle his neck, trying to read his reaction. He didn't seem bothered, so she relaxed and leaned in a little closer.
"Chandler, about this morning…"
"Shhh. Let's not talk about that right now. I just want to hold you."
Monica smiled, though her eyes were still uncertain. She gazed up at him, knowing that he was still confused, but thankful that he was at least trying. She hesitantly rested her head against his shoulder, sighing as she felt his arms tighten around her. It had been so long since she had felt the comfort of his arms like this, and she wanted to stay there, swaying gently to the music, for as long as she could. But in what seemed like seconds, the song was over, and Chandler was pulling away. He looked into her eyes for just a moment, as if he hoped to find the answers to his unspoken questions there, then slowly leaned in to kiss her.
In spite of her reservations, Monica allowed herself to be carried away by the kiss. She didn't let herself think about what was happening, or what it might mean. Neither did Chandler. He knew if he let his head enter into the matter, his brain would tell him this was a mistake. But his heart was telling him he had to remember what it felt like to kiss the woman he loved. He didn't think he had forgotten, but this feeling was even better than he remembered. And he knew that he couldn't lie to himself anymore. Rachel had been right. When he listened to his heart, it was all so simple. They belonged together.
Chandler pulled back reluctantly, and gazed into her familiar blue eyes. Without a word, he leaned his forehead against hers and breathed in deeply, closing his eyes.
"I'd forgotten how amazing it feels to kiss you…"
Monica smiled to herself and brushed his cheek with one hand, causing him to open his eyes and look at her.
"Mon…I love you. I was kidding myself to think it might be easier without you. There's nothing I want more than for us to be together again and happy."
"Oh, sweetie. Me too."
"Do you think it's possible? Honestly, Monica?"
Monica thought about it for a moment, wanting to give him a truthful answer. She could see the pain that lingered in his eyes, and she could guess the questions that plagued him.
"I don't know. That all depends on you, Chandler. Can you ever trust me again?"
"I - I don't know. I want to."
"Well, when you decide, you'll have your answer. I can tell you that I'll never leave. I can promise I'll do everything possible to keep from hurting you ever again. I can even stand by your side as I put a gold band on your finger and vow to love you for the rest of my life, but none of it means anything unless you believe me."
Chandler thought about that for a minute, before asking her softly, "What about you? Can you trust me?"
"Chandler, I told you yesterday that you have never let me down. Never. I would trust you with my life. I trusted you with my heart a long time ago."
"But you still left."
Monica averted her eyes, hoping he wouldn't be able to see how much that statement hurt her. But he had made his point. She knew she had to face the reasons that she had left, and she knew that he knew there was something more than just the baby. And she had to face up to herself honestly, so she could give Chandler the answers he needed to cope with what had torn them apart.
She looked back at him, finding that it hurt to look into his eyes. He still held her, but not as closely as he had a few moments before. Monica nodded slowly, acknowledging the truth in his statement, but unsure of how to answer it. As she was fighting for words, she was relieved to hear Phoebe announce that Rachel was about to open her gifts.
"Man, our friends sure do choose opportune times to interrupt us, don't they?" Chandler's voice was thick with sarcasm, and Monica tried to smile. She really wasn't all that upset at the interruption, but she knew Chandler probably was.
"Well, we should have known better than to try to have a serious conversation with them anywhere near us."
Chandler nodded, and surprised Monica by taking her hand and leading her over to where Rachel was seated, her eyes on the pile of gifts in front of her. As the rest of the guests gathered around, Chandler moved Monica in front of him, and rested his hands lightly on her shoulders, pulling her backward so that she was leaning against him. In spite of all the questions that remained unanswered between them, he couldn't escape his desire to have her close to him. He simply couldn't fight it, anymore than Monica could hide the sigh of contentment that lifted her shoulders beneath his hands as she leaned her head on his shoulder. They both caught their friends' knowing looks, but ignored them as Rachel reached for the first box.
An hour later, Rachel was gazing dreamily at the large pile of unwrapped gifts in front of her while Chandler half-heartedly helped Monica clean up the wrapping paper and boxes. As he stooped to pick up a stray piece of wrapping paper, Chandler glanced at Monica, trying to read the expression on her face. She looked tired and tense, as if she were simply waiting for it to be late enough so she could make her exit.
He wanted to surprise her with a hug from behind and a quick kiss on her cheek, but he held himself in check. He couldn't pretend that everything was fine between them, and he didn't want to lead her to that conclusion either. They still had to come to terms with the past before they could move on. So, as much as he wanted to put a smile on her face, he simply stuffed the paper and ribbon he was holding into the trash bag, and tried not to be concerned. But he was.
"Chandler." He jumped as Rachel put a hand on his arm and turned him to face her. "Thank you. For the boots. I love them, really."
Chandler managed a smile, then reached out to hug Rachel tightly. "I'm glad. I wanted to do something special for you, Rach, to thank you…for everything."
"Chandler, you didn't have to. You're my friend, and that's what I'm here for. To help you. And I would have been completely happy if all you had given me was the dance, but…I'm glad you gave me the boots too."
Chandler caught the twinkle in her eyes, though he knew she was serious. He gave her a smile, and stuck his hands in his pockets.
"Well, I'll remember that next year when I start wondering WHAT I can give Rachel that she won't return. Can't take back a dance, huh?"
"Never would. Not with you anyway."
"That's nice to know. So…happy?"
"I am. You?"
Chandler unconsciously glanced toward Monica, who was listening politely as Ross droned on about something. Rachel caught the glance, and her face was already worried when Chandler's eyes returned to her face. Chandler just gave her a weak smile and nodded.
"I could be, awfully easily. But I'm still working on it. I promise you'll be the first - eh, second - to know."
"Good. Try to beat Mon, though, okay? It'll drive her crazy if you tell me first."
"Yeah, it will. She hates to lose any game, even gossip. Now, it's your birthday. Quit worrying about me and go make yourself happy for awhile."
Rachel grinned and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "If you insist…"
As Chandler nodded, Rachel squeezed his arm and slipped away. Chandler's eyes went straight to Monica, and he smiled as she gazed back over Ross's shoulder. With a quick word to her brother, Monica broke away from Ross and walked over to Chandler, running her hand wearily through her hair. Chandler took her hands when she reached him, pulling her a little closer to him.
"You okay? You look tired."
"I am. But I'll be fine."
"Okay…"
"Don't worry about me, Chandler, it's just been a long couple of days. I'm fine, really."
"I believe you, Mon. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about you. It's habit." He gave her a quick half-smile and squeezed her hand, hoping she would smile back. To his relief, she did.
"That's better. Do you want me to take you home?"
Monica looked up at him shyly, though her smile was sad.
"You'd take me?"
Chandler nodded, confused. "Yeah…Why wouldn't I?"
Monica shrugged, averting her eyes. "I don't know. You came with Rachel."
"Yes, but Joey can walk Rachel home. They live in the same apartment after all."
Monica sighed, the sadness back in her eyes.
"Chandler, thank you. But I don't really have a home anymore. So you can't take me there."
"Monica," Chandler said softly, putting his hands on her shoulders, and lifting her chin with one finger so she would look at him. "Mon, we both know that your home is wherever I am. And mine is with you. I'm kidding myself if I think I can ever be happy anywhere that you're not. I've been miserable in that apartment without you. But last night, even though you weren't in the room with me, that place felt like home again, because you were there. I finally felt like I could breathe again. I want it to stay that way, Monica. And I'm going to try my best - whatever it takes - to make sure it does."
Monica smiled, wiping away tears with the back of her hand.
"You've always known just what to say…"
"Because I've always known you better than you know yourself." He paused, contemplating what he should say next. He took a deep breath and plunged on, hoping this would be a beginning to reconciliation. "And I know now that there's something else you need to tell me. And I know that until you do, we don't stand a chance. And I want a chance, Mon. I need that chance. Please help me."
Monica gazed up at him, her anxiety apparent in her eyes. She wasn't surprised that he had picked up on her secret. He was right, he knew her so well. She would have to tell him now. He deserved the whole truth.
She nodded slowly, and squeezed Chandler's hand.
"Okay. We'll talk. But you have to promise you won't get angry at me for not telling you before."
"Mon, I don't-"
"Promise."
"Okay. I'll try not to get mad."
Monica pulled him toward her, lifting herself onto her toes so she could kiss him tenderly on the forehead.
"Chandler…take me home."
He held her hand the whole way. And he marveled at the utter truth of her statement. They were going home. To their apartment. Not his. Not hers. Theirs. It seemed forever since it had been theirs.
But it was more than just the apartment. Home had a much greater meaning for both of them. It wasn't just the place where they lived, where they were - God willing - happy and complete. Home was the place in their hearts they had both sealed away, that had remained cold and empty while they were apart. And Chandler knew that as soon as they completely found each other again, that wonderful place would be reopened to them. And they would be home again, with each other. Where the most tender parts of their hearts already were.
They climbed the stairs slowly, both anticipating and dreading the coming conversation. Monica just wanted it over with. She would skip the process if she could and just have him know. But Chandler wondered if he was really ready for this. If it was bad enough for her to keep it from him, even now, he wasn't sure he was strong enough to hear it. But he had to. Tonight, there would be no secrets. And by the time they called it a night - whether it took an hour or three days - the past would be dealt with, and a decision would be made about their future.
And he hoped with all his heart that in the end, Monica would be home to stay.
TO BE CONTINUED....