Disclaimer: The only thing that is mine is the idea. A very insane idea I had with these characters that belong to Marvel. Plus I also (ahem) 'borrowed' a few things from the show Iron Chef and a few other cooking shows on Food Network. Warning, this is what happens when you spend your mornings watching cartoons and your evenings watching Food Network because there is nothing else on TV.
Cooking with Blob
It was a typical night at the Brotherhood house. All the members of the Brotherhood were sitting around the living room. They were hungry and bored. Not a good combination by any stretch of the imagination. Plus, Mystique was out for the evening so they were unsupervised. That made it especially dangerous.
"Okay!" Pietro slapped his hand on his knee. "We gotta do something!"
"How about eat?" said Fred.
"You know for once Freddy, you have got the right idea! I am starving!" said Lance. "Whose turn is it to cook?"
"Mine!" said Fred.
"Uh oh," said Todd.
"Aw man, I wish we had one of those personal chefs or something. Or better yet, those guys on the cooking shows you see on TV," Pietro sighed. Then he hit his head. "Hey I've got an idea!"
"Double Uh oh," Todd sighed.
"Quiet Toad! Hey, let's have some fun with this! Let's do it right! Like those guys on TV. Y'know like on that show we saw the other night."
"What show?" asked Lance.
"The show. The show! Y'know the one with the guys on Food Network. Oh what was it? Y'know, the cool one!"
"What cool one?" asked Lance. "I mean is there such a thing as a cool cooking show?"
"Yes there is smart guy!" Fred defended. "Emeril right?"
"No! No! The other one. The one with the subtitles and the cool costumes and stuff!"
"Oh yeah, I know what you're talkin' about!" Todd said. "The one where they talk in Japanese right?"
"Yeah! That's the one! Oh man, that was so weird it was cool! I wanna do that!" Pietro said excitedly.
"Hey I ain't eatin' octopus," Todd protested. "Just because I like bugs doesn't mean that I'll eat anything. I mean even I've got a limit to what I'll eat!"
"No! No! We ain't gonna eat octopus! Something that Fred makes up and it'll be good and fun and something to do so please Lance? Pretty please? Pretty please with hot fudge, sprinkles and a cherry on top?" He made an innocent little kid face.
"Yeah I wanna do this too! I wanna have some fun!" Fred chimed in, trying to look cute too.
"Whatever," Lance sighed.
"Yes!" Pietro and Fred gave each other a high five.
"Should we do something to stop this before it's too late?" Todd asked.
"Nah," Lance shook his head. "When he gets like this, there's nothing anyone can do. I say let's sit back, let him rip and enjoy the ride. Besides, there's nothin' else to do."
"Gotta point there," Todd agreed. "Why not?"
"Okay gotta get the groceries! I know just what to get! Ha! Ha!" he laughed and raced out in a blur, knocking Todd out of his chair.
"Man, I wish he wouldn't do that!" Todd grumbled getting up.
A few minutes later, Pietro whizzed back, nearly knocking them all over in a tornado. "Got the groceries! Ta dah!"
They followed him into the kitchen. "Whoa there's a ton of stuff here!" Lance exclaimed looking in wonder at all the bags Pietro brought in. "How did you carry it all?"
"I borrowed a shopping cart from the store. Left it outside. Man you should have seen all the sparks it made coming home!"
"Oh yeah," Todd looked. "So that's how the lawn caught on fire. Uh you want us to uh…?"
"I'll help you put it out," Lance sighed. "Pietro are you sure about this?"
"Tut! Tut! Tut! Tut! Tut! Just leave it to me and Blob. We'll get everything ready! This is gonna be great! Ha Ha!" He shoved Lance out of the kitchen. Lance shrugged and went to help Todd. Pietro rubbed his hands with glee. "Okay! Let's get ready! C'mon Blob I gotta get your costume ready!"
"I get a costume?" Fred's eyes lit up.
"Sure why not?"
"Hey Pietro, I gotta ask you something. How did you get all this stuff? I mean how'd you pay for it?"
"Pay?" he laughed. "Good one, Fred! Ha! Ha!"
Twenty minutes later Lance dimmed the lights in the kitchen. He made a mischievous grin. Why should Pietro have all the fun? He thought. He turned on his portable stereo. Dramatic music came out. Todd turned on a mini spotlight he rigged from an old lamp and focused on the door to the kitchen. He then turned on a smoke machine he had also rigged and gave Lance the go ahead signal.
"Ladies and Gentlemen!" Lance announced "Presenting the Chairman, Pietro 'Quicksilver' Maximoff!"
Pietro came out from behind the smoke into the spotlight. He was wearing a black and silver outfit complete with a long cape. He made a dramatic gesture as he strode to the kitchen counter. It was covered with various vegetables and fruits. He picked up a yellow pepper and held it to his mouth for a second before he took a bite. He grinned with triumph. Then he realized that he had bitten into a jalapeno pepper. He raced around screaming.
"So much for dramatic effect," Lance chuckled as Pietro gulped down water from the sink hose.
"Okay…" Pietro gasped. "Let's…try…this…again." He quickly regained his composure. "If memory serves me right, there is one member of the Brotherhood famous for his love of food. Of course, he is better known for eating it rather than cooking it. But tonight that will change! Well probably not, but one can dream can't one? What inspiration will he derive from this challenge? Or will he just probably throw everything in a huge pot and cook it?"
"Only if we're lucky," Todd sniggered.
"Quiet in the peanut gallery!" Pietro snapped. "And now, introducing the Master of Disaster, the King of the Kitchen, the one, the only…. Blob! Hit the smoke again Toad! Cue music!"
Todd did as he was told. A huge cloud covered the kitchen. "Not so much Toad!" Pietro gasped from behind the smoke.
"Sorry," the smoke settled down a little. Fred came out from behind the smoke. He was dressed in a large shiny silver chef's outfit complete with a silver chef's hat. He strode into the kitchen proudly.
"Alright! Let's kick it up a notch!" He shouted.
"Wrong show Blob."
"Oh shut up Toad! You're ruining my dramatic entrance!"
"Okay back to me!" Pietro said, not liking the spotlight of him for more than a second. "Now I thought long and hard about what the main ingredient will be for tonight. Something that will astound and amaze you all! I will now unveil the ingredient! Behold!"
With a flourish, Pietro unveiled the ingredient. He stood there waiting for the oohs and ahhs. They are going to love this! He thought. Only I, the mighty Quicksilver could have thought of using this ingredient!
"Uh, Quickie, there's nothin' there," Todd observed.
"What!?" He looked at the basket. It was empty. He looked under the counter frantically. "What could have happened? I mean how…? I must have had at least 10 YEEEEEEOUCCHHHH!"
Pietro hopped up and down like a madman. Something dangled from his finger. He stopped for a second while the creature dangled from his finger. "Lobsters," he said making a face.
"Uh oh," said Todd. "I think one of them's got into the smoke machine."
"What makes you say that?" Pietro asked.
In reply there was a sudden burst of sparks coming from the machine and some darker smoke that had a fishy smell. "Just a hunch," Todd said. He waved the smoke from his face before picking up a smoking crustacean.
"Okay. We got Lobster on the Barbie for our first course!" Pietro shrugged.
"Can we just get on with this before Freddy eats the other ingredients?" Lance asked.
"Fred! Put the butter down! That's for cooking! On second thought, use another stick that doesn't have your tongue prints all over it," Pietro ordered.
"Sorry."
"Okay! Now! Allez Cuisine!" Pietro shouted out.
"Whazzat mean?" Todd asked.
"It's French for 'Let's get ready to rumble!' In the kitchen that is," Pietro explained. "So Blob, it's time to kick it up a notch and get on with it!"
"You guys are gonna say that catchphrase all night aren't you?" asked Todd. Pietro made a face and bopped him on the head with an apple. "OW!"
"Okay is everybody ready?" Fred asked with a big smile. "Let's…uh…Go for it! First we take out a pot!" He took out a huge pot. "Then we put some water into it, not too much. Then we take the lobsters. Hey did you guys catch them all yet?"
"We're workin' on it!" Todd shouted. "Ow! Pietro you're not supposed to take off the rubber bands around the claws man!"
"Well how am I supposed to know that? OW!"
"You wanted to play the stupid chairman of cooking!" Lance shot back. "OW! You would think that you would know something! OW!"
"Well ex-cu-uu-sss-ee me! OW! OW OW!" Pietro came back into the kitchen with a basket filled with lobsters. "I think there's one missing someplace."
"Nah that one got in the smoke machine," Fred shook his head. "I'll take them. Okay here we are. Here's our favorite shellfish, Mr. Lobster! Hello Mr. Lobster!"
Fred picked up one of the lobsters. "Hello Freddy!" he said in a funny voice, waving the creature around as if it was having a conversation with him. "How are you doing today?"
"Fred, they are not shellfish. They are crustaceans!" Pietro corrected.
"Want me to pinch you again Mr. Smart Guy?" Fred waved the lobster at him, still using the funny voice. "Huh? You wanna piece of me? Huh?"
"Oh goody. Dinner theater," Todd groaned. "Hey yo, Pi-zan, get on with it already!"
"Okay," Fred said. "Here ya go Mr. Lobster you and your friends go into the tub!" He put the lobsters into the pot.
"Oh please not the pot!" "Agghhh! I'm Melting I'm melting!" "Help! Help!" Strange voices shouted out.
"Lance, Todd cut it out! You two guys are sick!" Pietro snapped.
"Any-who," Fred rolled his eyes. "We're gonna add a few ingredients to spice things up a bit. First some garlic, and an onion."
"Aren't you supposed to peel and cut them up first?" Pietro asked.
"Who's the chef here? You or me? Okay, now we add a couple of potatoes…"
"I knew it. He is throwing everything in one pot," Lance groaned.
"And now for some sherry!" Fred poured in about half a bottle. Pietro grabbed it and poured himself a mini glass.
"I'll drink to that!" he chirped. Immediately he made a face after he tasted it. "Ugggghhhhhh! Akkkkk!"
"That's cooking sherry stupid!" Fred took the bottle away from him. "Even I know you're not supposed to drink that!"
"Now you (gasp!) tell me. Bleeechhh!"
"But you've got a point, so…we'll add some real sherry!" He poured in an entire bottle. "And a can of beer. And another can of beer. Oh what the hey!" Fred then took an entire six-pack and opened it, dumping the contents into the pot without separating the cans from the plastic rings.
"Wow, those lobsters are gonna be real happy," Todd remarked.
"What a way to go," Lance said. "Why not add some wine while you're at it?"
"Good idea! Now" He picked up two bottles. "Which goes with seafood? Red or White? Oh what the hey!" He uncorked them and poured them both in at the same time.
"Freddy, are you sure that's a good idea?" Lance asked. "I mean, one sip of that stuff is gonna knock us all out! I mean I don't think little Toad can handle that."
"Don't call me that! I-I can handle that stuff."
"Toad you once sipped a strawberry daiquiri and it took us an hour to get you off the ceiling! And the worst part is, there wasn't any alcohol in it!"
"Don't worry guys," Fred shook his head. "Cooking removes the alcohol. All you get is the taste! Here, let's speed this up!" He lit up a match. "Time to flambé!"
Just outside the house, Mystique was pulling up the driveway. That was when the explosion happened. She looked in shock as smoke billowed out of the windows. She heard screams of fear and yelps of pain. With a heavy sigh she took out her cell phone and hit the button on her speed-dial. "Hello, Fire Department? This is…yes it's me again. It looks like a big one this time. Uh huh. Yeah. See ya Frank."
Mystique sighed as she put the phone away and banged her head on the wheel of the car. "Why (honk!) Me? (Honk!) Why? (Honk!) One (Honk!) of these days! (Honk!) One of these days! (Honk!) I will go away (Honk!) and I will never (Honk!) ever (Honk!) ever (Honk!) come back!"
To all animal lovers, no lobsters were harmed in making this story. Pietro hobbles out with bandages all over him and on a crutch.
Pietro: Yeah. No lobsters! God forbid the stupid lobsters were not hurt! OW! My toe! Picks up a lobster. FREDDY! I TOLD YOU WE MISSED ONE!