Gift of Darkness
by pari106
pari106@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html
Disclaimer: See Prologue or Chapter One
Rating: PG-13, to be safe.
Summary: (You know the drill by now). Part 5: Zack's thoughts on everything going down so far.
A/N: Once again, thanks for your reviews! I'm glad y'all seemed to like the last installment. Hope you
like this one, as well! And I realize that, as a self-proclaimed M/L fan, this little bit of M/Z-type angst is
out of character. But I like Zack...I really do. He's no Logan, but he's cool. Couldn't go and neglect him
here, could I? Anyways…just read.
A/A/N: Oh…and, remember, these are *Zack's* thoughts, okay? M/Lers, please don't flame me for them!
(I burn easy).
Gift of Darkness, part 5
Ghosts.
Running through the halls. Running through his brain, giving chase.
Shadows on the wall and Ben. Brinn. Tinga.
Doctors and needles and blood.
And Max…her lovely eyes wide as he slowly choked the life from her, tightening his grip around her
smooth throat…tighter…tighter…feeling her windpipe begin to give way beneath…
"No!"
With a ragged scream, Zack woke up.
The nightmares were over. Again.
"Son of a …"
Zack sat up on his cot, breathing hard, running fingers through longish blonde locks of disheveled hair. He
ran a hand over the stubble on his chin. Then he cursed again.
"Goddam…
Then he put his fist through the wall.
Zack pulled back his arm, bringing a shower of shattered drywall with it.
"Damn it!"
And then he finally began to calm down.
'Nightmares. Fucking nightmares.'
Zack rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and began to focus.
'Nightmares…"
…that he'd had for too long. Nightmares that he'd somehow managed to overcome in this last month.
Nightmares that had returned with a vengeance.
'Yet another reason to thank my good friend, Logan Cale,' he thought.
"The bastard," he mumbled aloud, without any real heat. Then he grimaced at the sight of the hole he'd
just made in the wall.
The landlord would throw a real shit fit over that one. Zack shrugged.
As if he cared. The place was a dump anyways. Then Zack sighed.
He continued to stumble towards the bathroom in his little, run-down dive. And continued to list in his
mind the reasons he hated Eyes Only. And the reasons he didn't.
Splashing water on his face, the truth surfaced. Zack felt guilty.
'Screw that,' he thought. But it was true – he felt guilty. He told himself he didn't have anything to feel
guilty about, but he did.
He shouldn't have let Max in on his suspicions about Logan and Manticore.
She had enough to worry about already. After having seen Tinga…and now her boyfriend gets a genetic
upgrade, Manticore style. Zack's jaw clenched. Not that he didn't really believe that that was what
happened – he believed it all right. It wasn't that he didn't give Cale any credit – he did. Grudgingly. He
was actually a pretty good guy – he supposed – if you took away the danger he was putting Max in just by
keeping her around. And he was stronger than Zack had thought – he'd proven that. But no human, no
matter how strong, could hold up against Manticore. Zack had first hand experience with the truth of that.
He was X5, and even he had almost crumbled the last time Lydecker had him. He didn't put much faith in
the idea that Logan had held out where he had faltered. Or maybe he just didn't want to put faith in it.
Either way, he didn't consider it likely. And he *knew* Logan's escape was just too good to be true. He
knew Manticore – or whoever Lydecker had working on his side – had picked him up for a purpose. He
knew it.
Still, he shouldn't have let Max know it. And he felt guilty about that.
But mostly, he shouldn't *want* his suspicions about Logan and Manticore to be true. But he did. And his
guilt over that bit like a bitch.
Zack sat down at the breakfast table where he never ate breakfast, and stared at the spot where he'd never
set a breakfast dish.
It bit like a real bitch.
Zack shook his head.
Again, it wasn't that he hated the guy that much. He didn't. But if there were any possibility of him liking
Cale, he didn't acknowledge it. Mostly because doing so would lead to the acknowledgement of why he
didn't let himself like the guy in the first place. And that was a place Zack didn't like to go.
But he was going there now.
Guilt required it.
His itching conscience required that he examine his feelings and what they meant and why. It wasn't a
practice with which he was familiar. He was a soldier. He didn't analyze. He'd like to say that he didn't
feel, but since he was in the self-honesty mode, he supposed that excuse was pretty much blown to hell.
He did feel. For Max.
Therein lay the reason for everything.
She was the reason he disliked Cale. Disliked the looks she gave the other man, the way she stuck by him
every day, through everything. The way she so easily agreed to doing things his way, when she'd never
been able to tolerate the thought of doing things the way Zack did them. The way she doted on him. The
way he made her weak like nothing else could. She was the reason Zack stuck around Seattle, even when
he knew it wasn't safe. Even while he kept telling her it wasn't safe. He stuck because of Max. Because
he felt for her. And not like a brother.
Zack sighed again, and lay his hands flat on the table to keep from pounding something again.
He hated feeling the way he did, but he couldn't help it. How could he help it? He couldn't just forget
about it, forget about her, and move on. He'd tried before. He'd told her about it before.
"How could I forget anything about you?" he'd told her once.
And he couldn't. Not then, and not now.
Not ever. He supposed it had always been like this for him; he'd always had a soft spot for Max. Even
back at Manticore, he'd have risked anything, even then, for her. Would have indulged her any way he
could – like that balloon, for example. He'd have done anything for her. He already had. He'd followed
her, protected her. He had never given her his contact number mostly so he'd have an excuse to stick close
by and keep an eye on her.
Logan Cale wouldn't have followed her.
He wouldn't have been able to. Until now.
Logan Cale had never protected her.
Sure, he liked to think so. He tried. But in the end associating Eyes Only with Max only ended up putting
her into more danger than she was already in. He didn't have what it takes to take care of Max – not the
way Zack does. Or at least he didn't…until now.
And now all the tired excuses Zack had used to comfort himself, to convince himself that Max and Logan
would never *really* be together…now they were all gone. Logan didn't have crippled legs and a crippled
psyche to keep from chasing Max if she ever decided to leave him. He no longer had to let Max be the one
fighting all the bad guys.
And Max loved him. If Zack wasn't certain of it before, he was now. The way she'd been looking at Cale,
when they'd first gotten him back in the penthouse…she loved him. It ate a hole the size of a fist right
through Zack's heart to even think it, but it was true. Max loved Logan, not Zack. Not the way he wanted
her to. And she wasn't any safer for loving the guy now, either. If anything, Zack imagined Cale's new
lease on independent life would only make him more reckless, more "heroic". It was even a worse idea for
Max to stay with him now than ever. And she loved him anyways.
And even if Zack's suspicions were correct…would she love him then?
Would she be able to do what had to be done if it came to choosing between Logan and herself?
Zack laughed, a tight, bitter little laugh. He knew the answer to that. She'd already made the choice,
hadn't she? The day he and Tinga had left for Canada, she'd known there was a very good chance of
getting caught if she stayed with Logan. But she did anyway. She chose Logan over herself. Over Zack.
She just kept on choosing him.
And that's why a little part of Zack wanted his suspicions to be true. Wanted Logan out of the picture.
Wanted Max to be safe. Wanted Max to be with him.
Because Logan didn't really love her, not the way he did. How could he? He didn't even understand her;
not really. He didn't really need her – that was what really ate at Zack. Logan Cale, for all his humanity,
had always been stronger than him in that respect. He didn't really need Max. If something happened to
her, yeah, he'd mourn. But he'd live. Zack wouldn't – he was sure of it. Just the thought of losing her
destroyed him. He *needed* Max, not Logan.
And Max needed Cale. It was as simple as that. He needed Max, but she needed Logan. And that's why
Zack felt guilty for his feelings.
Sighing, Zack finally pushed back from the table, grabbed his leather jacket, and got ready to blaze.
The only way to deal with those feelings would be to find out what the hell Lydecker had done, already,
and why.
Zack looked down at a scrap of paper he pulled from his pocket – it was the note Max had written him with
Logan's new temporary address. He was going to be staying with a friend of hers, apparently.
Zack read the name on the slip with skepticism.
"Sketchy?" Zack frowned. "Who the hell would name their kid Sketchy?"
by pari106
pari106@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html
Disclaimer: See Prologue or Chapter One
Rating: PG-13, to be safe.
Summary: (You know the drill by now). Part 5: Zack's thoughts on everything going down so far.
A/N: Once again, thanks for your reviews! I'm glad y'all seemed to like the last installment. Hope you
like this one, as well! And I realize that, as a self-proclaimed M/L fan, this little bit of M/Z-type angst is
out of character. But I like Zack...I really do. He's no Logan, but he's cool. Couldn't go and neglect him
here, could I? Anyways…just read.
A/A/N: Oh…and, remember, these are *Zack's* thoughts, okay? M/Lers, please don't flame me for them!
(I burn easy).
Gift of Darkness, part 5
Ghosts.
Running through the halls. Running through his brain, giving chase.
Shadows on the wall and Ben. Brinn. Tinga.
Doctors and needles and blood.
And Max…her lovely eyes wide as he slowly choked the life from her, tightening his grip around her
smooth throat…tighter…tighter…feeling her windpipe begin to give way beneath…
"No!"
With a ragged scream, Zack woke up.
The nightmares were over. Again.
"Son of a …"
Zack sat up on his cot, breathing hard, running fingers through longish blonde locks of disheveled hair. He
ran a hand over the stubble on his chin. Then he cursed again.
"Goddam…
Then he put his fist through the wall.
Zack pulled back his arm, bringing a shower of shattered drywall with it.
"Damn it!"
And then he finally began to calm down.
'Nightmares. Fucking nightmares.'
Zack rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and began to focus.
'Nightmares…"
…that he'd had for too long. Nightmares that he'd somehow managed to overcome in this last month.
Nightmares that had returned with a vengeance.
'Yet another reason to thank my good friend, Logan Cale,' he thought.
"The bastard," he mumbled aloud, without any real heat. Then he grimaced at the sight of the hole he'd
just made in the wall.
The landlord would throw a real shit fit over that one. Zack shrugged.
As if he cared. The place was a dump anyways. Then Zack sighed.
He continued to stumble towards the bathroom in his little, run-down dive. And continued to list in his
mind the reasons he hated Eyes Only. And the reasons he didn't.
Splashing water on his face, the truth surfaced. Zack felt guilty.
'Screw that,' he thought. But it was true – he felt guilty. He told himself he didn't have anything to feel
guilty about, but he did.
He shouldn't have let Max in on his suspicions about Logan and Manticore.
She had enough to worry about already. After having seen Tinga…and now her boyfriend gets a genetic
upgrade, Manticore style. Zack's jaw clenched. Not that he didn't really believe that that was what
happened – he believed it all right. It wasn't that he didn't give Cale any credit – he did. Grudgingly. He
was actually a pretty good guy – he supposed – if you took away the danger he was putting Max in just by
keeping her around. And he was stronger than Zack had thought – he'd proven that. But no human, no
matter how strong, could hold up against Manticore. Zack had first hand experience with the truth of that.
He was X5, and even he had almost crumbled the last time Lydecker had him. He didn't put much faith in
the idea that Logan had held out where he had faltered. Or maybe he just didn't want to put faith in it.
Either way, he didn't consider it likely. And he *knew* Logan's escape was just too good to be true. He
knew Manticore – or whoever Lydecker had working on his side – had picked him up for a purpose. He
knew it.
Still, he shouldn't have let Max know it. And he felt guilty about that.
But mostly, he shouldn't *want* his suspicions about Logan and Manticore to be true. But he did. And his
guilt over that bit like a bitch.
Zack sat down at the breakfast table where he never ate breakfast, and stared at the spot where he'd never
set a breakfast dish.
It bit like a real bitch.
Zack shook his head.
Again, it wasn't that he hated the guy that much. He didn't. But if there were any possibility of him liking
Cale, he didn't acknowledge it. Mostly because doing so would lead to the acknowledgement of why he
didn't let himself like the guy in the first place. And that was a place Zack didn't like to go.
But he was going there now.
Guilt required it.
His itching conscience required that he examine his feelings and what they meant and why. It wasn't a
practice with which he was familiar. He was a soldier. He didn't analyze. He'd like to say that he didn't
feel, but since he was in the self-honesty mode, he supposed that excuse was pretty much blown to hell.
He did feel. For Max.
Therein lay the reason for everything.
She was the reason he disliked Cale. Disliked the looks she gave the other man, the way she stuck by him
every day, through everything. The way she so easily agreed to doing things his way, when she'd never
been able to tolerate the thought of doing things the way Zack did them. The way she doted on him. The
way he made her weak like nothing else could. She was the reason Zack stuck around Seattle, even when
he knew it wasn't safe. Even while he kept telling her it wasn't safe. He stuck because of Max. Because
he felt for her. And not like a brother.
Zack sighed again, and lay his hands flat on the table to keep from pounding something again.
He hated feeling the way he did, but he couldn't help it. How could he help it? He couldn't just forget
about it, forget about her, and move on. He'd tried before. He'd told her about it before.
"How could I forget anything about you?" he'd told her once.
And he couldn't. Not then, and not now.
Not ever. He supposed it had always been like this for him; he'd always had a soft spot for Max. Even
back at Manticore, he'd have risked anything, even then, for her. Would have indulged her any way he
could – like that balloon, for example. He'd have done anything for her. He already had. He'd followed
her, protected her. He had never given her his contact number mostly so he'd have an excuse to stick close
by and keep an eye on her.
Logan Cale wouldn't have followed her.
He wouldn't have been able to. Until now.
Logan Cale had never protected her.
Sure, he liked to think so. He tried. But in the end associating Eyes Only with Max only ended up putting
her into more danger than she was already in. He didn't have what it takes to take care of Max – not the
way Zack does. Or at least he didn't…until now.
And now all the tired excuses Zack had used to comfort himself, to convince himself that Max and Logan
would never *really* be together…now they were all gone. Logan didn't have crippled legs and a crippled
psyche to keep from chasing Max if she ever decided to leave him. He no longer had to let Max be the one
fighting all the bad guys.
And Max loved him. If Zack wasn't certain of it before, he was now. The way she'd been looking at Cale,
when they'd first gotten him back in the penthouse…she loved him. It ate a hole the size of a fist right
through Zack's heart to even think it, but it was true. Max loved Logan, not Zack. Not the way he wanted
her to. And she wasn't any safer for loving the guy now, either. If anything, Zack imagined Cale's new
lease on independent life would only make him more reckless, more "heroic". It was even a worse idea for
Max to stay with him now than ever. And she loved him anyways.
And even if Zack's suspicions were correct…would she love him then?
Would she be able to do what had to be done if it came to choosing between Logan and herself?
Zack laughed, a tight, bitter little laugh. He knew the answer to that. She'd already made the choice,
hadn't she? The day he and Tinga had left for Canada, she'd known there was a very good chance of
getting caught if she stayed with Logan. But she did anyway. She chose Logan over herself. Over Zack.
She just kept on choosing him.
And that's why a little part of Zack wanted his suspicions to be true. Wanted Logan out of the picture.
Wanted Max to be safe. Wanted Max to be with him.
Because Logan didn't really love her, not the way he did. How could he? He didn't even understand her;
not really. He didn't really need her – that was what really ate at Zack. Logan Cale, for all his humanity,
had always been stronger than him in that respect. He didn't really need Max. If something happened to
her, yeah, he'd mourn. But he'd live. Zack wouldn't – he was sure of it. Just the thought of losing her
destroyed him. He *needed* Max, not Logan.
And Max needed Cale. It was as simple as that. He needed Max, but she needed Logan. And that's why
Zack felt guilty for his feelings.
Sighing, Zack finally pushed back from the table, grabbed his leather jacket, and got ready to blaze.
The only way to deal with those feelings would be to find out what the hell Lydecker had done, already,
and why.
Zack looked down at a scrap of paper he pulled from his pocket – it was the note Max had written him with
Logan's new temporary address. He was going to be staying with a friend of hers, apparently.
Zack read the name on the slip with skepticism.
"Sketchy?" Zack frowned. "Who the hell would name their kid Sketchy?"