Blah blah, Kiss kiss, part 9
by pari106
pari106@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html
Rating: PG-13; Disclaimer: See chapter One.
Blah blah, Kiss kiss, part 9
by pari106
As the phone receiver fell onto its hook, Max just stood there, heart
beating wildly, mind reeling.
'Oh, God…'
Bling's words rang in her ears over and over again.
"He collapsed at home this morning…"
Max bit her lip to sway the tide of emotions that overcame her. It sounded
too familiar. Didn't you hear that sort of thing all the time on the news?
"…was found, early this morning, in his home…"
The same old cliché; the expected fate of rich, old men – passing away in
their sleep.
But Logan was 32.
He was thirty-two fucking years old.
And he wasn't just some man – he was Logan.
And he was dying.
'Oh, God…'
Max knew it just as surely as she knew Bling wouldn't have admitted it if
she'd asked. Logan was dying.
Max's first impulse was to hightail it back to Seattle as fast as she could
fly. It had taken them, what? Forty-five minutes yesterday? And Logan
drove like a little old lady. Max could make it in ten.
Fifteen tops.
All she had to do was get dressed, grab her boots…
That's when Max froze in her place. She looked down at the thin blanket
wrapped around her. The only thing wrapped around her.
And in a flash it came back to her – her lack of attire wasn't the only thing
between her and Seattle.
Max glanced back to the fireplace, where Zack was still sleeping. They'd
moved to the coach earlier, with him sleeping on his back, and Max
sleeping on top of him, her head pillowed on his chest. Zack had one arm
under his head, and the other lay across his stomach.
And the sight of him knocked Max to her knees.
Oh, shit. Zack. What the hell would she do about Zack?
She couldn't just leave him – not now. Not ever.
But she wouldn't be leaving for good, right? She just wanted to see if she
could help Logan. She'd be back, she told herself. But even as she did so,
Max knew this was a lie. Yeah, she'd want to come back. She didn't want
to leave in the first place – she just had to. But she knew there was no way
she'd make it out of Seattle if she went back there now. Lydecker would
have her within the hour.
Still…
She couldn't just leave Logan this way. No way. But could she leave
Zack? He'd never understand.
But Zack isn't dying, Max reasoned with herself. Logan is. If Zack's life
was in danger, would she risk everything for him? Damned right. Without
even a thought.
'But you love Zack,' Max continued the internal argument with herself. It
was only right she feel that way about him. But she loved Logan, too. So
what if it wasn't the kind of love she had for Zack. She couldn't just let
him die. If he'd been okay, that would be one thing. She would stay with
Zack. Hell, she had stayed with Zack. She was here with him right now,
wasn't she?
But the situation was different now.
What would she do? What else could she do?
Max crept back to Zack's side, kneeling by the coach, torn.
What else could she do? If she left Zack, he would be angry; hurt. She'd
lose him. And that thought hurt.
But he would be okay.
If she left Logan he might die. He might die anyhow, but she had to know
if there was a chance she could help. If only by being there with him.
And if Lydecker got her afterwards…
It would be hell. She didn't even like to think what would happen to her
back at Manticore. But if she spent her whole life turning her back on the
people she loved, just to keep running, wouldn't that sort of defeat the
purpose of why she ran in the first place? She ran from Manticore so they
couldn't take her soul. The things about her that made her who she was.
But leaving a friend to die; choosing her own life over his…
What made Max who she was was her ability to care more about men and
women then about missions. And if she left Logan now she would be
denying that part of herself that made her more than just some Manticore
killing machine. She would be sacrificing a man's life for her mission to
escape. She would keep her soul. But she would lose a little piece of her
spirit.
And this wasn't just about that; about her or about Logan. It was about
Zack, too. She wanted Zack to learn that there was more to life than a
mission. More to living than the struggle to survive. How would she do
that if she left Seattle now? If she turned her back on someone important
in her life just to survive? It would be like she was buying in to Zack's
philosophy on how they should live, and as much as she loved Zack, she
couldn't do that.
Max felt the tears slowly start to fill her eyes and spill down her cheeks.
If there was any other way…
But there wasn't. There wasn't even the option of waking Zack to say
goodbye. He would never let her go willingly. He certainly wouldn't go
with her. Max wouldn't want him to, anyhow. She wouldn't risk his
freedom like that, even if she was prepared to risk her own.
And he wouldn't believe her if she told him how she meant to come back
to him. She did. If she had to suffer Manticore's clutches and escape all
over again, she would come back to him. What she'd told him that
morning was true – they belonged together. She belonged with him. He
was her home. And Max always found her way home. But if she didn't
go to Logan now, not only would she lose him, but she'd also lose her
chance to show Zack how much that sense of home and belonging meant
to her. She'd miss her chance to show him that sometimes belonging
meant sticking around for the ones you loved, despite the consequences or
even because of them. She had to make him understand that. Even if it
meant her getting captured, or even killed. At least she would know that
she'd given him the chance to understand. The only way Zack would ever
have something similar to a normal, fulfilling life would be if he
understood.
So Max had to go. And she had to go without saying goodbye.
But this was easier said than done.
As her tears fell, Max knelt there, studying Zack's features; trying to
memorize everything about him just as he was now. Knowing she might
never see him again. Even if she escaped Lydecker again, she might never
see him like this. Peaceful; trusting. He might never trust her again. She
might never hear his 'I love you' again, or be able to tell him how much
she loved him. She might never again hold him or kiss him or make love
to him.
And all she'd have to comfort her in her loss were her memories of this
time with him, and her shaky reassurances that what she'd done was right.
It was all she could take with her.
And all she could leave in return was a gentle kiss placed on his forehead.
Then she quickly dressed, as quietly as she could.
And then she slipped out the door.
**** ****
Zack wasn't like Max.
He couldn't just sleep or not sleep as he chose.
He needed his rest. Although, granted, he needed a lot less than a human.
Each X5 was instilled with a stamina and an endurance superior to any
norm. On average, an X5 could go a good 48 hours without rest. And,
being born and bred for command, Zack had learned that he could make it
a full 72 before his coordination began to suffer.
And Max didn't need to sleep for more than a few hours at a time, but she
usually chose to. And when she did, she slept soundly.
Zack rarely slept peacefully. He was always too much on the defensive to
do so. He considered the fact that he even needed sleep to be an acute
design flaw.
But with Max, things were different. Suddenly, lying there with her, Zack
slept. He didn't just rest; he slept. Soundly. It was the first time in a long
time that he allowed himself the privilege. And he'd needed it after a day
of running and a night of making love with Max.
Max seemed to need her sleep, as well, Zack noted with an irresistible bit
of pride. And for Max, sleeping soundly meant sleeping like the dead as
far as Zack was concerned. He'd once watched her sleep for a full hour
and she'd never stirred. If he'd been a sniper, she wouldn't be here right
now.
Zack, by comparison, awoke at the slightest sound. Sleeping soundly or
not. He could wake instantaneously, and act just as quickly.
So Zack was still asleep when Max rose that morning. But not for long.
When Zack awoke, the first thing he did was make an assessment of the
current situation. It was just habit. He'd wake up and take stock as his
memory returned to him. This morning, there was quite a memorable
night to take stock of, as evidenced by his noticeable lack of clothing and
unfamiliar surroundings.
He'd been with Max. Unbelievable, but true.
The second thing Zack did, upon waking, was to take notice that said
night's companion was no longer where she had been, sleeping atop his
chest.
And then he heard her voice.
"…you answer Logan's phone?"
Zack had just been about to open his eyes when those words stilled him.
Logan.
"Why are you at a hospital?" he heard her ask next, her voice oddly
pitched.
Zack knew where the conversation was headed. He regretted the concern
in Max's voice, and it wasn't as if he didn't care what happened to the
other ma. He and Logan had their differences, particularly where Max was
concerned. But he didn't really have anything against him. And as much
as he resented the risk he presented for Max, Zack also appreciated what
help Logan had given her. And the both of them.
And Zack had known something was wrong. Yesterday, when he'd gone
to Foggle Towers, he'd found Cale looking like hell and popping pills.
And those weren't aspirins he was popping, either. He hadn't liked it.
But he liked the thought of Max going back to Logan even less.
And the first thing Zack felt when he heard Max on the phone was anger.
Surprise, perhaps a little bit of betrayal. Disbelief and hurt. But he
focused on the anger.
And, angry or not, the concern in Max's voice cut him, so he just lay there,
listening.
Even after she hung up, he listened, eyes closed, breathing even. Knowing
she thought he was still asleep.
He hadn't meant to deceive her, or to be dishonest. Partly, he just didn't
know what else to do. And partly, he couldn't believe it. He just couldn't
believe that she'd really do it.
She wouldn't go back there now, would she? And throw away her
freedom, her life?
And at the back of all that lurked the thought: 'Our life?' The life he
thought they might truly have a shot at building together. She wouldn't
just throw that away, would she? For Logan? She wouldn't just leave
him.
Zack couldn't believe it. And a part of him needed so badly not to believe,
that he had to prove it to himself. Max wasn't going anywhere.
But she was.
Zack sensed her kneeling beside him. The urge to open his eyes and take
her in his arms and just beg her not to go was frighteningly strong. But
somehow Zack resisted.
'She won't go…she won't go…'
And for a moment, Zack thought he was right. Max wasn't leaving. he
felt her lips gently brush his forehead and he was certain Max had done her
debating in her mind. And she had decided on Zack. On freedom.
But the moment passed and the next thing Zack heard was the sound of
someone dressing. Quickly.
His eyes snapped open, but still he couldn't move. He just lay there, in
shock, as he heard Max slip out the door.
And he lay there a moment more before realization truly dawned.
His fears had been correct. She *was* leaving. She *was* just throwing it
all away – her freedom, her life. Him. For Logan.
And before Zack had hid his hurt and betrayal behind his anger. Now
everything else disappeared beneath it as well, as Zack saw red. He pulled
on his jeans and sweater in record time, and was out the door after Max
before she'd gotten more than a foot away from the cabin.
by pari106
pari106@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html
Rating: PG-13; Disclaimer: See chapter One.
Blah blah, Kiss kiss, part 9
by pari106
As the phone receiver fell onto its hook, Max just stood there, heart
beating wildly, mind reeling.
'Oh, God…'
Bling's words rang in her ears over and over again.
"He collapsed at home this morning…"
Max bit her lip to sway the tide of emotions that overcame her. It sounded
too familiar. Didn't you hear that sort of thing all the time on the news?
"…was found, early this morning, in his home…"
The same old cliché; the expected fate of rich, old men – passing away in
their sleep.
But Logan was 32.
He was thirty-two fucking years old.
And he wasn't just some man – he was Logan.
And he was dying.
'Oh, God…'
Max knew it just as surely as she knew Bling wouldn't have admitted it if
she'd asked. Logan was dying.
Max's first impulse was to hightail it back to Seattle as fast as she could
fly. It had taken them, what? Forty-five minutes yesterday? And Logan
drove like a little old lady. Max could make it in ten.
Fifteen tops.
All she had to do was get dressed, grab her boots…
That's when Max froze in her place. She looked down at the thin blanket
wrapped around her. The only thing wrapped around her.
And in a flash it came back to her – her lack of attire wasn't the only thing
between her and Seattle.
Max glanced back to the fireplace, where Zack was still sleeping. They'd
moved to the coach earlier, with him sleeping on his back, and Max
sleeping on top of him, her head pillowed on his chest. Zack had one arm
under his head, and the other lay across his stomach.
And the sight of him knocked Max to her knees.
Oh, shit. Zack. What the hell would she do about Zack?
She couldn't just leave him – not now. Not ever.
But she wouldn't be leaving for good, right? She just wanted to see if she
could help Logan. She'd be back, she told herself. But even as she did so,
Max knew this was a lie. Yeah, she'd want to come back. She didn't want
to leave in the first place – she just had to. But she knew there was no way
she'd make it out of Seattle if she went back there now. Lydecker would
have her within the hour.
Still…
She couldn't just leave Logan this way. No way. But could she leave
Zack? He'd never understand.
But Zack isn't dying, Max reasoned with herself. Logan is. If Zack's life
was in danger, would she risk everything for him? Damned right. Without
even a thought.
'But you love Zack,' Max continued the internal argument with herself. It
was only right she feel that way about him. But she loved Logan, too. So
what if it wasn't the kind of love she had for Zack. She couldn't just let
him die. If he'd been okay, that would be one thing. She would stay with
Zack. Hell, she had stayed with Zack. She was here with him right now,
wasn't she?
But the situation was different now.
What would she do? What else could she do?
Max crept back to Zack's side, kneeling by the coach, torn.
What else could she do? If she left Zack, he would be angry; hurt. She'd
lose him. And that thought hurt.
But he would be okay.
If she left Logan he might die. He might die anyhow, but she had to know
if there was a chance she could help. If only by being there with him.
And if Lydecker got her afterwards…
It would be hell. She didn't even like to think what would happen to her
back at Manticore. But if she spent her whole life turning her back on the
people she loved, just to keep running, wouldn't that sort of defeat the
purpose of why she ran in the first place? She ran from Manticore so they
couldn't take her soul. The things about her that made her who she was.
But leaving a friend to die; choosing her own life over his…
What made Max who she was was her ability to care more about men and
women then about missions. And if she left Logan now she would be
denying that part of herself that made her more than just some Manticore
killing machine. She would be sacrificing a man's life for her mission to
escape. She would keep her soul. But she would lose a little piece of her
spirit.
And this wasn't just about that; about her or about Logan. It was about
Zack, too. She wanted Zack to learn that there was more to life than a
mission. More to living than the struggle to survive. How would she do
that if she left Seattle now? If she turned her back on someone important
in her life just to survive? It would be like she was buying in to Zack's
philosophy on how they should live, and as much as she loved Zack, she
couldn't do that.
Max felt the tears slowly start to fill her eyes and spill down her cheeks.
If there was any other way…
But there wasn't. There wasn't even the option of waking Zack to say
goodbye. He would never let her go willingly. He certainly wouldn't go
with her. Max wouldn't want him to, anyhow. She wouldn't risk his
freedom like that, even if she was prepared to risk her own.
And he wouldn't believe her if she told him how she meant to come back
to him. She did. If she had to suffer Manticore's clutches and escape all
over again, she would come back to him. What she'd told him that
morning was true – they belonged together. She belonged with him. He
was her home. And Max always found her way home. But if she didn't
go to Logan now, not only would she lose him, but she'd also lose her
chance to show Zack how much that sense of home and belonging meant
to her. She'd miss her chance to show him that sometimes belonging
meant sticking around for the ones you loved, despite the consequences or
even because of them. She had to make him understand that. Even if it
meant her getting captured, or even killed. At least she would know that
she'd given him the chance to understand. The only way Zack would ever
have something similar to a normal, fulfilling life would be if he
understood.
So Max had to go. And she had to go without saying goodbye.
But this was easier said than done.
As her tears fell, Max knelt there, studying Zack's features; trying to
memorize everything about him just as he was now. Knowing she might
never see him again. Even if she escaped Lydecker again, she might never
see him like this. Peaceful; trusting. He might never trust her again. She
might never hear his 'I love you' again, or be able to tell him how much
she loved him. She might never again hold him or kiss him or make love
to him.
And all she'd have to comfort her in her loss were her memories of this
time with him, and her shaky reassurances that what she'd done was right.
It was all she could take with her.
And all she could leave in return was a gentle kiss placed on his forehead.
Then she quickly dressed, as quietly as she could.
And then she slipped out the door.
**** ****
Zack wasn't like Max.
He couldn't just sleep or not sleep as he chose.
He needed his rest. Although, granted, he needed a lot less than a human.
Each X5 was instilled with a stamina and an endurance superior to any
norm. On average, an X5 could go a good 48 hours without rest. And,
being born and bred for command, Zack had learned that he could make it
a full 72 before his coordination began to suffer.
And Max didn't need to sleep for more than a few hours at a time, but she
usually chose to. And when she did, she slept soundly.
Zack rarely slept peacefully. He was always too much on the defensive to
do so. He considered the fact that he even needed sleep to be an acute
design flaw.
But with Max, things were different. Suddenly, lying there with her, Zack
slept. He didn't just rest; he slept. Soundly. It was the first time in a long
time that he allowed himself the privilege. And he'd needed it after a day
of running and a night of making love with Max.
Max seemed to need her sleep, as well, Zack noted with an irresistible bit
of pride. And for Max, sleeping soundly meant sleeping like the dead as
far as Zack was concerned. He'd once watched her sleep for a full hour
and she'd never stirred. If he'd been a sniper, she wouldn't be here right
now.
Zack, by comparison, awoke at the slightest sound. Sleeping soundly or
not. He could wake instantaneously, and act just as quickly.
So Zack was still asleep when Max rose that morning. But not for long.
When Zack awoke, the first thing he did was make an assessment of the
current situation. It was just habit. He'd wake up and take stock as his
memory returned to him. This morning, there was quite a memorable
night to take stock of, as evidenced by his noticeable lack of clothing and
unfamiliar surroundings.
He'd been with Max. Unbelievable, but true.
The second thing Zack did, upon waking, was to take notice that said
night's companion was no longer where she had been, sleeping atop his
chest.
And then he heard her voice.
"…you answer Logan's phone?"
Zack had just been about to open his eyes when those words stilled him.
Logan.
"Why are you at a hospital?" he heard her ask next, her voice oddly
pitched.
Zack knew where the conversation was headed. He regretted the concern
in Max's voice, and it wasn't as if he didn't care what happened to the
other ma. He and Logan had their differences, particularly where Max was
concerned. But he didn't really have anything against him. And as much
as he resented the risk he presented for Max, Zack also appreciated what
help Logan had given her. And the both of them.
And Zack had known something was wrong. Yesterday, when he'd gone
to Foggle Towers, he'd found Cale looking like hell and popping pills.
And those weren't aspirins he was popping, either. He hadn't liked it.
But he liked the thought of Max going back to Logan even less.
And the first thing Zack felt when he heard Max on the phone was anger.
Surprise, perhaps a little bit of betrayal. Disbelief and hurt. But he
focused on the anger.
And, angry or not, the concern in Max's voice cut him, so he just lay there,
listening.
Even after she hung up, he listened, eyes closed, breathing even. Knowing
she thought he was still asleep.
He hadn't meant to deceive her, or to be dishonest. Partly, he just didn't
know what else to do. And partly, he couldn't believe it. He just couldn't
believe that she'd really do it.
She wouldn't go back there now, would she? And throw away her
freedom, her life?
And at the back of all that lurked the thought: 'Our life?' The life he
thought they might truly have a shot at building together. She wouldn't
just throw that away, would she? For Logan? She wouldn't just leave
him.
Zack couldn't believe it. And a part of him needed so badly not to believe,
that he had to prove it to himself. Max wasn't going anywhere.
But she was.
Zack sensed her kneeling beside him. The urge to open his eyes and take
her in his arms and just beg her not to go was frighteningly strong. But
somehow Zack resisted.
'She won't go…she won't go…'
And for a moment, Zack thought he was right. Max wasn't leaving. he
felt her lips gently brush his forehead and he was certain Max had done her
debating in her mind. And she had decided on Zack. On freedom.
But the moment passed and the next thing Zack heard was the sound of
someone dressing. Quickly.
His eyes snapped open, but still he couldn't move. He just lay there, in
shock, as he heard Max slip out the door.
And he lay there a moment more before realization truly dawned.
His fears had been correct. She *was* leaving. She *was* just throwing it
all away – her freedom, her life. Him. For Logan.
And before Zack had hid his hurt and betrayal behind his anger. Now
everything else disappeared beneath it as well, as Zack saw red. He pulled
on his jeans and sweater in record time, and was out the door after Max
before she'd gotten more than a foot away from the cabin.