Disclaimer:
This is a work of fan-fiction. The here fore used characters belong rightfully
to Marvel and I just borrowed them. The only profit I hope to achieve with this
is the pure pleasure of the reader, so no copyright infringement intended.
Please do not sue me, I don't have money and won't be getting some from this
story. I also somehow worked
some parts of the lyrics to a song into the story, so these parts were burrowed
from the song they belong to, and are also not mine but from Judas Priest's 'Close
to you'
Author's notes: The story is told from two
different ways, the thoughts of a person and the story itself. The change in
the font marks the change in the storyteller.
It is not only
a blessing to have the ability to heal yourself, a healing power that also has
regenerative effects on body cells. It can also become a curse.
Let me kow what you think of this, I
want to read feedback, and it can be sent to Sonja.Triebel@web.de
For Pari,
I don't know you personally yet, but
I already see you as a close friend to me
Close to you
by Belladonna
What
would it be like if you possessed the power to heal yourself and that way to be
able to age much more slowly than other people around you. Would you consider
this a gift, a true blessing for you or a curse?
I know how I would answer to this
question, how I would feel because I am living this life.
It was silent
and only a slight and lightly breeze was to be felt at this day when a single
person entered the small cemetery behind the mansion, the small cemetery where
all the fallen X-Men were buried. The person was alone, he walked slightly
hunched forward, so as if his shoulders would no longer manage to hold the
weight of his life and had bent forward because of his high age. But that only
seemed to be so, for it was not true. Even though the man was indeed fairly old
by now, his age did not show up that obviously upon him but the years that had
past did. All the years that had passed were clearly showing themselves on his
face since he had lost her.
He was wearing a black tux today and
it was the same black one he had worn long time ago for his wedding day. He had
gotten this one out of the closet for this very day, because for him it was a
special occasion. On this day it was his wedding anniversary but he did not
think about the years. They reminded him too much of the time that had passed
without her. His hair still was black like they had been in his youth although
now there were some grey streaks showing, that grew more and more each day.
He held his glance cast down, the
look in his sad blue eyes so filled with a pain that clearly showed his loss,
one that he had not gotten over yet. He had not gotten over the loss of his
beloved wife, even after so many years.
With slow steps he made his way up
to her grave, his legs felt leaden and he almost wasn't able to put one foot
before the other, his shoulders hunched over with grief. He still cast his
glance down, but he did not have to see where he was going for he knew where
his legs would lead him. He had gone this way too often in his past and it
never became less painful. All his friends were buried here but the most
painful loss was the one of his wife for him. As he had reached his destination
he could again feel the deep emptiness his heart surrounded since that fateful
day and the pain and grief that had filled this void, the mourning of the
woman, he had once loved more than anything else in his life and still did.
~/~
It is so long ago and so many time
has passed since then but I still can feel the pain. I still feel it like it
had been yesterday but I know that this is not true. The pain is still as strong
as on the day that you were taken from me and I could nothing do against it.
It is so long ago, that we were
together on this place and that we had been happy. So many time has passed
since we last were sitting on the hills behind the mansion grounds and watched
the sun setting, together. It had been such a wonderful day and I never have
forgotten it, never could. You always knew too well what I thought and felt and
I never found out how you could do that to me, but then I have never made a
secret about my feelings for you. You knew very well, what you meant for me.
But on this special day even you had been surprised, on the day I asked you for
your hand.
It was the most joyous day in out
lives and our hearts had been one from that day on. Our souls were united and I
can well remember all the wonderful things we did from that day on, we did them
together. We were meant to be for each other and we both had known it.
All these things, all these memories
are still so alive in my heart and mind, you are still so alive through them
but I know that all this is nothing more than a wonderful dream I won't wake up
from. I know this very clearly for all the pain still grows with every day and
shows me that you are no longer with me., that you are dead.
The memory of you might be alive but
you are no longer and most of me has died with you, on the day that you were
taken from me. It was the worst thing I could possibly imagine happening to me
or I could imagine to happen at all, but I should have known better: I should
have known, for it was all so clear to me from the beginning that something
like this would happen someday.
Some people would be grateful for
the gift of healing, the ability to heal themselves that I call the healing
factor that comes with me mutation, my mutant power. Most of them would be
truly grateful for the ability to heal even the worst injuries in a matter of
seconds on their own and for the regenerative part of it, that is connected to
this gift; the ability to regenerate their own body cells. I know people who
consider it a blessing, a huge one for this cellular regeneration means also a
much slower process of aging. I know these people all to well, for I was once
one of them.
But I no longer consider it a gift
or a blessing to have this long life, to be able to live that long. For me it
has turned into a curse.
All these people, who think only of
the good part of it, the ability to live longer than a normal human being, to
outlive all others, they don't know the shadow side of this gift. They don't
know what it is like to loose all your friends, people that are close to your
hearts and mean a lot to you. They have no idea what it is like when you have
to watch the woman you love more than anything else, die slowly, fade away
while you yourself are still young looking on the outside; when all can do is
to stand at the side and you have to watch helplessly how she dies, right in
front of your eyes. They know nothing of this pain and I hope they never will
for it is something I would wish nobody.
All my life I had been a fighter, a
warrior and I have seldom lost, but I too have had to face defeat in my long
life. But nothing, no fight I had to take in my past could have prepared me for
this, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, for how painful this would
be and was. Nothing had been able to prepare me for just how painful your loss
for me would be, nothing and no defeat has ever hit me so deep inside.
Now all there is left from you to me
are these memories of our times we had together, the times we were happy and I
was like I had never before been. Now only these memories are left to me, just
like I now am standing at your grave and these always will stay alive for me.
They will remain alive within me just like you also will forever remain alive
in my heart, as long as I live.
I had been with you, when you died.
I had held your hand in mine, these strong hands of yours that now had become
weak and fragile, but you never were. I had held it in mine and I just had been
there with you, even though it had been deeply and endlessly painful for me to
have you see like this.
You always have been the only woman
for my, the only one that had been that close and the only one who ever was
able to look into my soul and to find me in there, how I truly am. I still see
your tender and soft face before me, see your lovely eyes, so full of warmth
and love. They were the ones I had immediately fallen in love with from the
first time I saw them and I still see them right in front of me, the moment
that they had closed forever. This moment is forever burnt into my memories and
how hard I try to forget this one, I cannot. I still can hear you in my memory,
in my mind I still hear your voice. Your voice was so gentle as always, so full
of love for me as our hearts had been one for a final time and you told me
silently, almost in a whisper that I should not grieve you, that I should not
cry for you for you had had a fulfilled live, a joyous life full of happiness
and you had had it with me.
When I now remember this day, this
very moment, I can feel again my tears rolling down my cheeks, taste them salty
on my lips just like in this night and I can do nothing against it.
I have tried, truly tried to only
remember all these beautiful memories, to recall just them in my mind and to
manage to get over my pain and grief with this, this deep pain and hurt I felt
within me, my heart. I really tried but I could not. I could not erase the
memory of your fragile body as you were lying there in the bed from my mind. I
have not been able to get over all the mourning and grief, all this pain that I
felt inside my heart and soul as part of me was torn away by your death, it was
all too big, bigger than I had been able to get over it so easily. I still
cannot, am not able to get over your death, my love.
My heart has broken on this day, on
the day I had to put you into this grave and I have buried a part of me with
you here. I still can feel my heart bleeding, feel how it bleeds inside with
all this pain of a loss that had been greater to me than I could take. I cannot
live without you, I never imagined my life without you but now I had to. I
cannot get over all my mourning, no matter how hard I try. I cannot and
probably never will.
~/~
He still wore his wedding ring on
his finger, a sign of his deep and endless love for her. He had never taken it
off and he would be buried with it, once that his time would come for him. But
he also knew that he still had to wait many painful years for this moment of
final and eternal peace for him. His hand was shaking slightly as he bend down
to put the rose down on the grave, the other one touched unconsciously her
ring, he wore on a golden chain around his neck. More tears began falling down
his cheeks but he did not stop them and he was not ashamed of them either.
Logan felt the emptiness taking over
him, felt it spreading from his heart how never before and he fell down on his
knees as the pain of her loss again overwhelmed him. He felt emptier than ever
before and all that managed to fill this void was his never ending pain and the
mourning of the woman, that meant more to him than his own life and for whom he
would have given his happily, just to be once again united with her, to be with
her for just a moment again.
~/~
I still miss you, Ororo and I will
never be able to forget you. You have been a goddess to me, you always were and
I have admired you as one for every day of our life together. If I only had
could, I would've lain you the whole world to your feet. I would've done
everything for you and given anything I have just to make you happy.
Now I am standing here at your
grave, looking down to it but I would give anything for just to be able again
once more to walk over these hills here with you, anything for just to be able
to watch the sunset here with you together again and to be able to hold your
hand in mine. I'd give all away I have if I only could hold you again for just
a minute, to hold you tight and to feel you close to me. But I stand here,
alone and nothing can bring you back to me.
I think to hear your name being
silently spoken in the winds of the evening, but I am alone and I know it, I
can feel it since you were gone.
Nothing had been more painful than
to loose you and in this moment that the wind whispers your name I know that clearer
than before. Now that I can hear your name in the gentle breeze I realize that
no time of the world will ever manage to heal the pain in my or to make the
loneliness within me disappear. I know exactly that it is said, time would heal
all wounds but not this one, for it is much too deep and painful.
The others have tried to help me get
through this pain, they told me how to get over it the best way but they have
got no clue.
They have told me, I could manage to
achieve this best when I just would let loose and begin to concentrate on
another thing in my life, to find my life again and maybe even find a new love
for me, someday. But they are wrong and I know that, for you had been my life
and that will never change, even though now you are gone.
They gave me advice and tried to
help me, but how could they ever understand. How could they possible ever
understand what I feel and how much this loss hurt me. They have no idea how it
is to outlive the woman you love more than anything else in this world, how it
is when you have to watch her die and the same time you yourself are only aging
slowly, when you are still almost looking like on the day of your wedding even
though that had been years ago. When you are aging much more slowly than your
loved ones because of your gift and are because of this able to love longer.
What a great gift that is. The others couldn't possibly know that I would have
rather died with you then than being condemned to continue living my life
without you.
I have loved you from the first time
our eyes met and I still do, even after so much time. They have said I'd find
another woman, but none of them has the slightest idea of what we had together.
No woman will ever come so close to me like you did and I will never be able to
love another woman besides you, I never could. Because no other woman in the
world is like you, they never could be.
I loved you from the bottom of my
heart and I still do. I will always love you, until the moment that we will
again be together, being one again like we always had been in out hearts.
I could never love another woman
like I loved you, for no other woman ever could be like you have been, 'Ro.
No other woman could come close to
you, never.
~fin~
(inspired by the song 'Close to you', by Judas Priest)
