Nergal Fan Fiction LLC
A division of Nergal Heavy Industries proudly presents:
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: RENAISSANCE
Chapter Four "GOODBYE BLUE SKIES"
by Ryoma
Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have been used without permission. All characters contained in this work are copyright GAINAX, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision and Manga Entertainment.
Asuka awoke the next day and gazed out at the beautiful countryside. She sighed as the view reminded her of her former home in Germany. The sun was just beginning to break clear of the horizon and there was hardly a cloud in the sky. She had seen days like this before, days that began with such hope and promise. A frown grew as she also remembered how quickly dark clouds could roll in, blocking the light and spreading this darkness across the land. With the darkness soon came the storm, its fury unleashed on an unsuspecting land and sparing no one. Sure, the skies were clear now, but Asuka had seen days like this before, and something inside her could sense a growing storm.
"I've got to get today started off on the right foot," she mentioned to her reflection in the mirror as she fixed her hair. "I've just got to."
Shinji had been long since awake when he heard his roommate's door open.
"Guten morgen."
"Good morning," came the flat reply.
If he had bothered to turn around, he would have seen the look of disappointment on the red head's face. Usually he would at least try to humor me, she thought. "So...what's for breakfast, I'm starving."
"Well, I ran down to the kitchen and grabbed some eggs and sausages, they're almost ready."
Asuka could already smell the cooking food as she skipped over to the table and sat down. Shinji was standing at the counter with his back to her. "Well, it sure smells good."
Shinji left her comment hanging for quite a while. He finally broke the uneasy silence, "h...how are you feeling today?"
She seemed relieved that he was at least curious as to her condition. "To tell the truth, I feel really good today. In fact, if it wasn't for these bandages I would swear there was nothing wrong with me!" She sounded generally enthused and hoped he would feel the same.
"That's great for you," he returned coldly.
Asuka was completely confused at this point. Why was Shinji so unconcerned about her health? She had figured that he at least would be happy that she was feeling better and wouldn't be a burden on him anymore. No, for some reason he was acting strange today and she resolved to get to the bottom of the problem soon. Her thoughts were abruptly distracted when Shinji unceremoniously dropped a full plate of food in front of her. Normally, his actions would have required an over the top response of some type from her, but the food smelled so good and she was very hungry. Judging that a dirty look would suffice, she immediately grabbed her fork and dove in. It took her the entire plate before Asuka realized that Shinji had not eaten. "Hey..." she mumbled before finally swallowing her food. "How come you're not eating?"
He had sat down across from her and was gazing out the window, oblivious to her question. "What?"
"I asked how come you are not eating?" Asuka picked the tone of her voice up just a notch. She tried to remind herself of her earlier pledge. His failure to even look at her however threw that idea out the window. "Don't tell me your pulling this 'I'm not eating' crap again, Third Child," she yelled.
Shinji sighed and finally turned to face her. He could instantly tell by the look on her face that she was not happy. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before he started, "No, it's not like that Asuka. I, um...ate before you got up." He got up and dropped his plate into the sink. He took note that her expression seemed to ease as he walked back to the table.
"Oh, so now you won't even eat with me?" she whimpered and pouted mockingly.
"I couldn't wait anymore so I started without you." Shinji stood and removed her plate. Taking it over to the counter, he filled it again and placed it in front of her.
"OK fine Shinji, have it your way." He had since returned to his seat and was again looking out the window. "BUT!" she waited until he reluctantly turned and faced her to continue, "if you're lying, I'll make you pay." She skewered the sausage on her plate and held it up for all to see. "Have I made myself perfectly clear?"
The boy gulped audibly and squirmed a bit in his chair upon seeing the impaled member, "y...yes." He stood up and began walking toward the front door. "I'm taking off for a while."
"Where are you going?"
"I thought I'd take a quick jump in the pool."
"Do you want to wait for me?" Asuka began frantically trying to shovel the food down her throat.
Shinji had already reached the front door. "No, you finish eating, I need some time alone." He shut the door behind him before she could respond.
She sunk back in her chair and took a bite out of the sausage. "Well so much for starting the day on the right foot," she mused while looking out the window and noticing the dark clouds looming on the horizon. "Perfekt," she sighed.
----------
Shinji slammed the front door to the hotel as he headed out toward the main section of town. Something in his heart told him he shouldn't have lied to her, but at this point he found he was caring less and less about hurting anyone, especially himself. Thoughts swirled in his head as he walked along. He could see why she despised him so much. He was responsible for putting her in this situation. He was weak. He was a coward. He wasn't very good looking. He was everything she hated. They had nothing in common, now that Eva was gone. He concluded that if by some miracle they did find other people, she would leave him, as would everyone. After all, he was the one who had failed. The one who killed their loved ones. No one would want to stay with him. He knew he needed to prepare for the time when she would inevitably leave him. He had always thought he would have had more time to prepare, but she was starting to feel better and now it wouldn't be long until she left. He wiped a tear with his shirtsleeve. "Even if she hates me, I would still want her to stay."
---------
Asuka finally finished her meal. It had taken much longer than she wanted. After Shinji's departure she felt it was important to immediately chase after him. However as she ate, his actions and words began to replay in her mind. She found herself analyzing the entire morning, trying to figure out exactly what had gone wrong. Satisfied that it wasn't her for once, she carried her plate over to the sink. Glancing down she noticed that Shinji's plate had not been used. "Scheisse, this isn't good."
--------
Shinji continued down the street, keeping careful mental notes of useful items he observed in the stores. He kept telling himself that he didn't want to lug all those heavy items around, but his inner voice knew the truth. He didn't want her to leave, and the less supplies they had, the better those chances were. A thin smile, much like his father's appeared as he developed a plan to "miraculously" find supplies as they needed them. It seemed better to spread it out over time, she would have to stay longer and maybe, just maybe he could change her mind about leaving. Shinji noticed a large building in front of him and entered.
---------
Asuka ran down the final set of stairs leading into the pool area. She had clumsily thrown on a tee shirt and shorts and was dragging along a towel behind her. She stopped just short of the door and tried to catch her breath. Even if she was concerned for the boy, she sure wasn't going to show it to him. She just knew that he wouldn't understand and he would take it the wrong way. Of course that begged the question, what was the right way for her to feel about him? Too many questions, she decided, but the answers would eventually come. Satisfied that she looked sufficiently indifferent, Asuka burst through the door yelling, "Hey Shinji!" Quickly scanning the room and seeing no one, she sighed and slammed the door behind her. She dejectedly walked over to the pool's edge and sat with her feet in the water. Looking up at the ceiling she whispered, "why doesn't he want to stay with me?"
---------
Shinji wandered the halls of the building aimlessly; his thoughts focused on one thing, Asuka. Why did she hate him so much? He didn't want to beat her sync ratio, he never tried to be a better pilot then her, he didn't care about such things. He respected her wishes and stayed away from her after the Fifteenth Angel. The last words she said to him after that battle echoed in his mind, 'I hate you, I hate everything!' Those words were the truth; she left him soon after that, too disgusted by him to stand his presence. No, he had done nothing to erase her hatred of him, if anything the last few days he had only succeeded in making things worse. He left her to die at the hands of the Eva Series; he brought her to this world, taking her away from the bliss of Instrumentality; he killed everyone; he was the source of all her problems. No, she would never care for him, no matter how hard he tried, that he was sure of.
Shinji was so self absorbed that he failed to notice he had wondered outside into what appeared to be a playground. As his thoughts centered on the girl, slowly his subconscious began to register the scene around him. With a snap his focus suddenly returned to the real world and more specifically the sight before him. He was sure that had he eaten that morning he would have certainly thrown up as his mind struggled to cope with the horror before him. Stretched as far as he could see, the uniforms of the student body were laying all around him. He tried to turn away, but no matter which direction he looked, there were these reminders of what Third Impact had meant to the rest of the world. Panicked, he began to turn around, searching for some way to avoid the horrible images that were entering his head. These were just kids, judging by their uniforms, most were younger than him. Just kids like him, he thought, their whole lives in front of them, until he decided to kill them all. Shinji screamed in a desperate attempt to release his emotions...
---------
Asuka floated effortlessly in the pool, staring up at the reflections of the broken sunlight off the water. She again found herself thinking of her fellow pilot, more specifically, why did he dislike her so much? Sure, she could understand it to a point; she had been pretty cruel to him the last few weeks. She remembered the mental damage the Fifteenth Angel did to her. Try as she might, her memory after that event was sketchy at best except for one brief exchange. Shinji must have realized the trauma she endured from the Fifteenth, it had almost killed her, a part of her still wished it did; it was that trauma that cause her to say the words she replayed in her mind, 'I hate you, I hate everything!' Asuka shook her head as if trying to erase the memory out of her mind forever. Realizing this was futile, she decided to concentrate farther back in her past. Looking for something positive to build off of. She knew that Shinji would never hold that one exchange, no matter how bad, against her. No, she pondered, there had to be more than just that to justify his abhorrence of her. Shinji had always hated her, well before the Fifteenth, that she knew as a fact. He hated her from the first time he saw her. She was arrogant; she was loud; she hated his friends; she constantly picked on him; she loved the Eva and worst of all, she was an intruder. She ruined his perfect little world with Misato and...Rei. Rei, Wondergirl, that little bitch. So he liked Rei better than her, so what, she supposed. Deep down she knew that he would always be waiting for her to return, always trying to find her, to save her, just like he did when he rushed right out during the battle with the Fifteenth. Shinji couldn't be bothered with her, when she was dying, but the minute his precious doll was in trouble, Invincible Shinji rushed right out to save her. No, she reflected, she had lost him to the damn doll, he would always choose Rei and leave her all alone. Asuka was contemplating those last few words, when suddenly she thought she could hear the boy scream in the distance. She cocked her head in an effort to listen better but after a few moments upon not hearing anything else, she determined it must have been in her head. Looking out the window, she could see the sky open up in a torrential downpour as she returned to her thoughts...
---------
Shinji was unaware how long he had been out. As best he could tell it must have been at least an hour or two. He was thoroughly soaked from head to toe as the rain continued to beat down on him as he lay staring up at the sky. He tried to remember how he ended up on the ground, but something inside him held the memory back. Slowly he rose to his feet, holding his head in an effort to cease the pounding. Finally he looked around and the memory was released, around him were the uniforms of the children and he remembered what had caused him black out. This time however, he was able to keep his wits about him long enough to reach the exit to the playground. He ran out the gate, not looking back, but his mind was already replaying the image over and over again. Fueled only by an instinct, he ran back towards the hotel...
---------
Asuka decided she had taken about as much of his crap as she was going to. If the Third Child was so intent on leaving, then she would make damn sure that she was going to leave a lasting impression in his mind. To this end she had stopped by the hotel salon after leaving the pool and gathered as many cosmetics as she could hold. She carefully laid them out on the bathroom counter in front of her, grouping them in order for ease of use. She gazed into the large mirror and sighed upon seeing herself in the reflection. Her bandages were looking quite dirty and ragged after three days; she knew that they would have to be changed. This was the part she had feared the most. Although a part of her had always desired to know from the start just how bad it was, somehow she knew she didn't have the courage to bring herself to face the inevitable. She would be deformed, her beauty stolen. Her beauty, she pondered, the only weapon she had left to fight Shinji's rejection. If it was gone, all hope of somehow convincing him to stay would also be gone. Asuka gazed down at the counter, unable to look at herself. With a deep breath she began to unwrap the bandage on her arm as a single tear rolled down her face...
--------
Shinji threw open the lobby door with a crash. Completely exhausted from his sprint, he collapsed in front of the main desk. Panting, he rolled over and closed his eyes. Immediately the visions returned, visions of the horror he had just witnessed. Only this time, Shinji's subconscious conveniently added voices to the images, voices which cursed the boy, blaming him for their deaths. Their hate driven tirades cutting at Shinji's core, he began screaming and placed his hands over his head in a futile attempt to stop the verbal assault. "NO, STOP...STOP!" he screamed out. "I never meant for this to happen...please, stop." Shinji was rolling his head back and forth, trying anything to avoid the verbal and visual onslaught being launched against him. After a few minutes of this struggle, he finally stopped moving. "I'm so sorry" he whimpered.
"What are you sorry for?"
This voice was not like the children, Shinji thought as he slowly opened his eyes. Standing over him was a beautiful young woman, her red eyes gazing directly into his. He immediately recoiled in fear, sliding back away from the ghostly image until the front desk blocked his retreat. "Leave me alone!" he screamed as he turned away from her, silently hoping she was not real.
"What are you sorry for?" she repeated.
Shinji continued to look away, trying to ignore the question.
"Again I ask, what are you sorry for?"
He sighed realizing that she would probably keep asking until he replied. Slowly he turned back to face her. "I am sorry that I killed everyone."
"But you have killed no one."
"Yes I have, I have killed everyone, Rei...every man, woman, and child," Shinji voice began to break.
"Ikari, you are confused. Your emotions are not allowing you to see the truth."
"What the hell are you talking about?" He began to look quite agitated as he clenched and unclenched his fists.
"Ikari, the darkness inside you grows and soon it will extinguish the last bit of light, the last bit of hope which still resides in you. If that happens, then you truly will have killed them all."
Shinji cringed at her words as if they were causing him physical pain. He placed his hands on his head and screamed, "I can't take the pain anymore...there is so much...pain!" With that he suddenly lunged at her attempting to translate his emotional pain into physical actions. Effortlessly he flew right through her apparition and landed on the floor. Turning over he looked back just in time to see her frown as she slowly faded from view. Just before she completely disappeared, he could swear he saw a small tear form and run down her face. The visions and voices gone, he labored to his feet and began walking up the stairs...
---------
"It's a miracle!" Asuka had repeated this phrase at least fifteen times already, but the effect was still the same. She began to smile and fidget about the room. "It is nothing sort of a miracle," she screamed for joy. All of the negative energy she had been building up was now trying to escape as the truth was finally revealed. Staring at herself in the mirror, she was beaming with delight as she carefully rubbed, poked, and prodded her face, searching for any trace of damage. Try as she might, the image staring back at her was an exact duplicate of herself from a week prior. "I can't believe it!" she yelled and spun around, still trying to release the negative vibe she had accumulated. "Shinji is going to be so happy," she blurted out. Slowly a frown began to gaze back at her from the mirror. Would Shinji really be happy? she thought, and now that she was better, would he leave? Her mind raced through the possibilities to both questions, but each prospect presented more questions. No, she decided, she would have to address his reaction when the time came. Her face returned to its previous joy as she knew she could convince him to stay because she had one of her key weapons back. She began hunting through the cosmetics to prepare for battle.
Asuka was having difficulty reading the labels in the quickly fading light. She sighed and walked out of the bathroom and down to the fireplace. It appeared Shinji had prepared the fire with wood and paper, all she needed to do was light it. She smiled as she reflected at what a good person he really was. She knew that she wouldn't have been thoughtful enough to get the fire ready for him. Asuka began to blush as she thought of potential ways to reward him for his hard work. Her blush began to change to a look of frustration as she searched high and low around the fireplace for the lighter. "Who builds a fire, then hides the damn lighter?" Asuka trumpeted, searching vainly around the living room for said device. "Lighter, lighter, lighter..." she almost chanted while looking under pillows and chairs. "He probably left it in his room," she supposed.
Entering his room, she was quite taken back by the disarray it seemed to be in. For as long as she knew him, Shinji had always kept his room spotless, and this room looked worse than hers did. Spotting the canvas duffel bag on the bed, she remembered that they had put a couple of lighters in there earlier. Reaching around inside, her hand felt something cold, heavy and cold. Slowly pulling it out, she gasped as she saw the gun. Holding it out in front of her, she turned it around, noting the make and model. She recoiled as she noticed the safety was off and she carefully turned it back on. Her face tightened in disgust as she noted the carelessness that her companion had exercised in handling the weapon. She was quite familiar with guns, her father had a very extensive collection, and if there was one thing she knew, they were not toys. Asuka decided to eliminate the possibility of Shinji doing something stupid. As she began to remove the bullets from the magazine, a part of her was actually proud that he had at least shown some grit in taking it in the first place. A larger part of her, however, was upset that he had put himself at risk by not knowing the proper procedures for handling a gun, and most of all for not telling her. She finished removing the bullets and placed them in her pocket. Reaching back into the bag, she found her original target, a lighter and placed it in her other pocket. Her goal achieved, she decided to see if Shinji would eventually tell her about the gun so she carefully placed it back in the bag and left his room...
--------
Shinji arrived a short time later. Asuka had a good fire going and its light was compensating for the overcast night.
"Shinji, is that you?" she called out from the bathroom. Her only reply was the slamming of his bedroom door. Asuka sighed and put down her make up. "What's his problem?" she asked her reflection. His entrance had almost made her forget about her good news, almost. "SHINJI!" she yelled while pounding on his door, "Shinji, open up I've got great news!" Listening for a reply, she was stunned by his silence. "Come on, open the door, I've got something to show you," she cooed seductively.
Shinji laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts were being interrupted constantly by a certain pounding and yelling at his door. "Go away," was his terse reply as he tossed and turned in the bed.
"What, what did you say?" came her agitated response. She continued her physical assault on the door.
Shinji was beginning to really hate that girl's persistence. The pounding on the door was aggravating the pounding in his skull. He pulled a pillow over his head in a futile attempt to block out at least one the offending parties.
"Shinji, open this god damn door this instant!" Asuka's tone had switched along with her attitude. She no longer remembered what she wanted to tell him, only that she was tired of him ignoring her.
Shinji sat up straight in the bed and threw his pillow against the door. "What is it going to take for you to shut the hell up and go away!"
"Open the door and I'll leave you alone," came her reply.
If a human being actually possessed an internal rope, then Shinji had reached the end of it. He jumped out of the bed and stood facing the door, both his hands formed into fists. "Asuka, you better stop this shit and go away." He hammered his side of the door in response to her continued pounding.
Asuka really didn't know why she kept pushing. She actually wasn't trying to start anything with Shinji. In fact although she was still keeping her livid facade, she was being torn up inside. Even if the feelings were foreign to her, for the first time in her life, she just wanted to help. After all, if anyone should know the about the stages leading to a mental breakdown, it was her. And Shinji had begun to show the signs and it was scaring her. He was making the slow spiral into oblivion that had almost killed her. She beat the door with renewed vigor, "Shinji, open this door, I'm trying to help you, dammit!"
Shinji stopped hammering back. He slowly slumped back onto his bed. She doesn't want to help you, he thought to himself, no one wants to help you. She only wants to tease you because you are so weak, his inner voice reasoned, she will always hate you because you are such a coward. "I am not a coward," Shinji whispered to himself, "I'm just sick of everything, I should just die."
Asuka had stopped pummeling the door when Shinji had stopped at his end. She was intently listening as she could just barely hear him murmur something. "Oh great," she wondered aloud, "now he's taking to himself, I need to reach him soon before..." An image of the gun flashed through her mind. Her heart raced as she jammed her hand in her pocket to convince herself that she had in fact disabled the firearm. She breathed out a sigh of relief that he was safe from himself for the time being. However, the fact that he was on the wrong side of the door still presented her with a problem. Although the gun was no longer a threat, it would only be a matter of time before he thought to use the window or a belt. She drew in a deep breath before calmly speaking to him. "I'm sorry Shinji, but I found your little toy and removed the bullets. If you want to blow your stupid head off then you'll have to come out and get them." She could hear Shinji jump off the bed and suddenly realized she had no idea what to say to him if in fact he did open the door.
Shinji stumbled across the floor and sat down as he rummaged through the bag. He pulled out the gun and quickly inspected it. By the weight alone he knew she was right, she had the bullets. Why did she do it, he thought, she doesn't care what happens to me. He remembered how she was always interfering with his life; in fact he had trouble recalling his days before he met her. Ah, but she always tried to keep him down, his inner voice started, she was jealous of his sync ratio, jealous of his friends, jealous of everything he did. The minute he began to show some courage, she sabotaged his efforts. No, he decided, this time she had gone too far, she would have to pay for her crimes against him. Shinji stood and walked to the door. Calmly he unlatched the lock and slid it open. He was quite surprised to find Asuka had moved into the living room and was sitting in the chair, her back to him.
Shinji started, "Asuka, you had NO right to touch my things."
"Wrong," came her succinct reply.
"You had no right..."
She cut him off, "I have every right to remove a fire arm from a child."
"I'm not a child," he snapped.
"Yes you are, you didn't even have the common sense to keep the safety on, dumbkopf."
Shinji froze; did he really have the safety off, he pondered, perhaps he really didn't know what he was doing. Irrelevant, his inner voice retorted, she wasn't protecting you, she's trying to embarrass you, don't let her fool you. "Well that's not the issue," he told the girl.
"What is it than Shinji, what is the issue?"
Again he froze; she was asking a question that he thought knew the answer to, but yet he could say nothing. What was the issue between them?
Noticing he was faltering, she decided to press her advantage, "Shinji," she started slowly. "We can't go on like this. Your falling apart and I don't know how to help you." She pleaded to him, "please tell me what's wrong so I can try to help."
The sincerity in her voice nearly melted him. He really wanted to tell her everything, to ask all those questions he had asked himself a thousand times. Yet, he could not, his inner voice had won once again and he found himself watching from the background. "I don't need your help, I'll never need anything from you!" Shinji heard the words, but didn't understand who said them. It couldn't be him, he reflected, he didn't possess that much hate, did he? What was he saying, what was happening? The events around him seemed to be flowing at an incredible pace. He was saying things without even thinking about them. Horrible things meant for only one purpose, to injure the girl. He continued his verbal assault for some time before finally relenting to survey the damage.
Asuka listened as her companion berated her. She closed her eyes and listened intently as she heard things come from the boy that she never imaged he would say. He screamed spiteful things, laced with profanity that she blushed upon hearing, he was not holding anything back. The problem was he still hadn't addressed what his problem was, he was only complaining. After he finished she thought carefully before replying, "and to think, I kissed you with that dirty mouth."
Shinji was livid, wondering how she could be so coy. She was putting him down again and he knew it. He moved over and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to face him, "You listen to me, you bitch, you don't..." his voice trailed off.
"What are you looking at?" she screamed.
"Y...Your face, there's nothing wrong with you." He roughly grabbed her face and twisted it from side to side, examining every feature.
Asuka finally remembered what she was going to tell him; "Yeah, well, I guess I'm a fast healer" she smiled. Perhaps her main weapon had found his mark. She began to blush a little as he stared at her face, then carefully inspected her arm. "Yup, as good as new," she added.
Shinji stood and slowly walked toward the front door.
"Hey, where are you going?" she called out, "what's the matter?"
"You lied to me, you used me." His tone was much different than the previous argument.
Asuka sensed the change in his voice, "I didn't know, I...I just found out" she whispered trying to calm him.
"Liar!" he bellowed and opened the door.
"Shinji, no, let me explain." She began moving toward the door but one piercing look from him convinced her to stop.
"Goodbye, Asuka, I never want to see you again." With that he slammed the door behind him.
To be continued...
Authors Notes:
Sorry for the darkness in this chapter but it's needed to get where I'm going. This story is NOT a darkfic, although you wouldn't know it from this chapter... I realize that traditional fic canon has Asuka scarred from her Eva Series battle. I chose to work off the premise that although she knew she was injured, she had enough ego to see herself as she was before, in other words her mental image of herself would be the uninjured Asuka, the bandages were only put their by her knowledge that she had some injures from the battle. If this still doesn't make sense, email me and I'll try to make more sense...I am not some anti-hand gun activist, I am only using the handgun as a plot device, not a political statement... Again biggest thanks go to my prereaders, 20eva and Random1377 because believe me, I couldn't do it without them, thanks guys (but I'm still not telling you how this fics going to end, sorry boys.) Special thanks goes out to my buddy Rico for giving me all the German translations I need. I wished I could have used more but there is always the next fic...
One last thing, I will not leave the readers hanging with this darkness for too long, I promise to have Chap 5 up quickly so you don't have to suffer with the somber ending of this chapter for long.
As always, C & C is appreciated, please contact me at nergalfanfic@yahoo.com.
A division of Nergal Heavy Industries proudly presents:
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: RENAISSANCE
Chapter Four "GOODBYE BLUE SKIES"
by Ryoma
Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have been used without permission. All characters contained in this work are copyright GAINAX, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision and Manga Entertainment.
Asuka awoke the next day and gazed out at the beautiful countryside. She sighed as the view reminded her of her former home in Germany. The sun was just beginning to break clear of the horizon and there was hardly a cloud in the sky. She had seen days like this before, days that began with such hope and promise. A frown grew as she also remembered how quickly dark clouds could roll in, blocking the light and spreading this darkness across the land. With the darkness soon came the storm, its fury unleashed on an unsuspecting land and sparing no one. Sure, the skies were clear now, but Asuka had seen days like this before, and something inside her could sense a growing storm.
"I've got to get today started off on the right foot," she mentioned to her reflection in the mirror as she fixed her hair. "I've just got to."
Shinji had been long since awake when he heard his roommate's door open.
"Guten morgen."
"Good morning," came the flat reply.
If he had bothered to turn around, he would have seen the look of disappointment on the red head's face. Usually he would at least try to humor me, she thought. "So...what's for breakfast, I'm starving."
"Well, I ran down to the kitchen and grabbed some eggs and sausages, they're almost ready."
Asuka could already smell the cooking food as she skipped over to the table and sat down. Shinji was standing at the counter with his back to her. "Well, it sure smells good."
Shinji left her comment hanging for quite a while. He finally broke the uneasy silence, "h...how are you feeling today?"
She seemed relieved that he was at least curious as to her condition. "To tell the truth, I feel really good today. In fact, if it wasn't for these bandages I would swear there was nothing wrong with me!" She sounded generally enthused and hoped he would feel the same.
"That's great for you," he returned coldly.
Asuka was completely confused at this point. Why was Shinji so unconcerned about her health? She had figured that he at least would be happy that she was feeling better and wouldn't be a burden on him anymore. No, for some reason he was acting strange today and she resolved to get to the bottom of the problem soon. Her thoughts were abruptly distracted when Shinji unceremoniously dropped a full plate of food in front of her. Normally, his actions would have required an over the top response of some type from her, but the food smelled so good and she was very hungry. Judging that a dirty look would suffice, she immediately grabbed her fork and dove in. It took her the entire plate before Asuka realized that Shinji had not eaten. "Hey..." she mumbled before finally swallowing her food. "How come you're not eating?"
He had sat down across from her and was gazing out the window, oblivious to her question. "What?"
"I asked how come you are not eating?" Asuka picked the tone of her voice up just a notch. She tried to remind herself of her earlier pledge. His failure to even look at her however threw that idea out the window. "Don't tell me your pulling this 'I'm not eating' crap again, Third Child," she yelled.
Shinji sighed and finally turned to face her. He could instantly tell by the look on her face that she was not happy. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before he started, "No, it's not like that Asuka. I, um...ate before you got up." He got up and dropped his plate into the sink. He took note that her expression seemed to ease as he walked back to the table.
"Oh, so now you won't even eat with me?" she whimpered and pouted mockingly.
"I couldn't wait anymore so I started without you." Shinji stood and removed her plate. Taking it over to the counter, he filled it again and placed it in front of her.
"OK fine Shinji, have it your way." He had since returned to his seat and was again looking out the window. "BUT!" she waited until he reluctantly turned and faced her to continue, "if you're lying, I'll make you pay." She skewered the sausage on her plate and held it up for all to see. "Have I made myself perfectly clear?"
The boy gulped audibly and squirmed a bit in his chair upon seeing the impaled member, "y...yes." He stood up and began walking toward the front door. "I'm taking off for a while."
"Where are you going?"
"I thought I'd take a quick jump in the pool."
"Do you want to wait for me?" Asuka began frantically trying to shovel the food down her throat.
Shinji had already reached the front door. "No, you finish eating, I need some time alone." He shut the door behind him before she could respond.
She sunk back in her chair and took a bite out of the sausage. "Well so much for starting the day on the right foot," she mused while looking out the window and noticing the dark clouds looming on the horizon. "Perfekt," she sighed.
----------
Shinji slammed the front door to the hotel as he headed out toward the main section of town. Something in his heart told him he shouldn't have lied to her, but at this point he found he was caring less and less about hurting anyone, especially himself. Thoughts swirled in his head as he walked along. He could see why she despised him so much. He was responsible for putting her in this situation. He was weak. He was a coward. He wasn't very good looking. He was everything she hated. They had nothing in common, now that Eva was gone. He concluded that if by some miracle they did find other people, she would leave him, as would everyone. After all, he was the one who had failed. The one who killed their loved ones. No one would want to stay with him. He knew he needed to prepare for the time when she would inevitably leave him. He had always thought he would have had more time to prepare, but she was starting to feel better and now it wouldn't be long until she left. He wiped a tear with his shirtsleeve. "Even if she hates me, I would still want her to stay."
---------
Asuka finally finished her meal. It had taken much longer than she wanted. After Shinji's departure she felt it was important to immediately chase after him. However as she ate, his actions and words began to replay in her mind. She found herself analyzing the entire morning, trying to figure out exactly what had gone wrong. Satisfied that it wasn't her for once, she carried her plate over to the sink. Glancing down she noticed that Shinji's plate had not been used. "Scheisse, this isn't good."
--------
Shinji continued down the street, keeping careful mental notes of useful items he observed in the stores. He kept telling himself that he didn't want to lug all those heavy items around, but his inner voice knew the truth. He didn't want her to leave, and the less supplies they had, the better those chances were. A thin smile, much like his father's appeared as he developed a plan to "miraculously" find supplies as they needed them. It seemed better to spread it out over time, she would have to stay longer and maybe, just maybe he could change her mind about leaving. Shinji noticed a large building in front of him and entered.
---------
Asuka ran down the final set of stairs leading into the pool area. She had clumsily thrown on a tee shirt and shorts and was dragging along a towel behind her. She stopped just short of the door and tried to catch her breath. Even if she was concerned for the boy, she sure wasn't going to show it to him. She just knew that he wouldn't understand and he would take it the wrong way. Of course that begged the question, what was the right way for her to feel about him? Too many questions, she decided, but the answers would eventually come. Satisfied that she looked sufficiently indifferent, Asuka burst through the door yelling, "Hey Shinji!" Quickly scanning the room and seeing no one, she sighed and slammed the door behind her. She dejectedly walked over to the pool's edge and sat with her feet in the water. Looking up at the ceiling she whispered, "why doesn't he want to stay with me?"
---------
Shinji wandered the halls of the building aimlessly; his thoughts focused on one thing, Asuka. Why did she hate him so much? He didn't want to beat her sync ratio, he never tried to be a better pilot then her, he didn't care about such things. He respected her wishes and stayed away from her after the Fifteenth Angel. The last words she said to him after that battle echoed in his mind, 'I hate you, I hate everything!' Those words were the truth; she left him soon after that, too disgusted by him to stand his presence. No, he had done nothing to erase her hatred of him, if anything the last few days he had only succeeded in making things worse. He left her to die at the hands of the Eva Series; he brought her to this world, taking her away from the bliss of Instrumentality; he killed everyone; he was the source of all her problems. No, she would never care for him, no matter how hard he tried, that he was sure of.
Shinji was so self absorbed that he failed to notice he had wondered outside into what appeared to be a playground. As his thoughts centered on the girl, slowly his subconscious began to register the scene around him. With a snap his focus suddenly returned to the real world and more specifically the sight before him. He was sure that had he eaten that morning he would have certainly thrown up as his mind struggled to cope with the horror before him. Stretched as far as he could see, the uniforms of the student body were laying all around him. He tried to turn away, but no matter which direction he looked, there were these reminders of what Third Impact had meant to the rest of the world. Panicked, he began to turn around, searching for some way to avoid the horrible images that were entering his head. These were just kids, judging by their uniforms, most were younger than him. Just kids like him, he thought, their whole lives in front of them, until he decided to kill them all. Shinji screamed in a desperate attempt to release his emotions...
---------
Asuka floated effortlessly in the pool, staring up at the reflections of the broken sunlight off the water. She again found herself thinking of her fellow pilot, more specifically, why did he dislike her so much? Sure, she could understand it to a point; she had been pretty cruel to him the last few weeks. She remembered the mental damage the Fifteenth Angel did to her. Try as she might, her memory after that event was sketchy at best except for one brief exchange. Shinji must have realized the trauma she endured from the Fifteenth, it had almost killed her, a part of her still wished it did; it was that trauma that cause her to say the words she replayed in her mind, 'I hate you, I hate everything!' Asuka shook her head as if trying to erase the memory out of her mind forever. Realizing this was futile, she decided to concentrate farther back in her past. Looking for something positive to build off of. She knew that Shinji would never hold that one exchange, no matter how bad, against her. No, she pondered, there had to be more than just that to justify his abhorrence of her. Shinji had always hated her, well before the Fifteenth, that she knew as a fact. He hated her from the first time he saw her. She was arrogant; she was loud; she hated his friends; she constantly picked on him; she loved the Eva and worst of all, she was an intruder. She ruined his perfect little world with Misato and...Rei. Rei, Wondergirl, that little bitch. So he liked Rei better than her, so what, she supposed. Deep down she knew that he would always be waiting for her to return, always trying to find her, to save her, just like he did when he rushed right out during the battle with the Fifteenth. Shinji couldn't be bothered with her, when she was dying, but the minute his precious doll was in trouble, Invincible Shinji rushed right out to save her. No, she reflected, she had lost him to the damn doll, he would always choose Rei and leave her all alone. Asuka was contemplating those last few words, when suddenly she thought she could hear the boy scream in the distance. She cocked her head in an effort to listen better but after a few moments upon not hearing anything else, she determined it must have been in her head. Looking out the window, she could see the sky open up in a torrential downpour as she returned to her thoughts...
---------
Shinji was unaware how long he had been out. As best he could tell it must have been at least an hour or two. He was thoroughly soaked from head to toe as the rain continued to beat down on him as he lay staring up at the sky. He tried to remember how he ended up on the ground, but something inside him held the memory back. Slowly he rose to his feet, holding his head in an effort to cease the pounding. Finally he looked around and the memory was released, around him were the uniforms of the children and he remembered what had caused him black out. This time however, he was able to keep his wits about him long enough to reach the exit to the playground. He ran out the gate, not looking back, but his mind was already replaying the image over and over again. Fueled only by an instinct, he ran back towards the hotel...
---------
Asuka decided she had taken about as much of his crap as she was going to. If the Third Child was so intent on leaving, then she would make damn sure that she was going to leave a lasting impression in his mind. To this end she had stopped by the hotel salon after leaving the pool and gathered as many cosmetics as she could hold. She carefully laid them out on the bathroom counter in front of her, grouping them in order for ease of use. She gazed into the large mirror and sighed upon seeing herself in the reflection. Her bandages were looking quite dirty and ragged after three days; she knew that they would have to be changed. This was the part she had feared the most. Although a part of her had always desired to know from the start just how bad it was, somehow she knew she didn't have the courage to bring herself to face the inevitable. She would be deformed, her beauty stolen. Her beauty, she pondered, the only weapon she had left to fight Shinji's rejection. If it was gone, all hope of somehow convincing him to stay would also be gone. Asuka gazed down at the counter, unable to look at herself. With a deep breath she began to unwrap the bandage on her arm as a single tear rolled down her face...
--------
Shinji threw open the lobby door with a crash. Completely exhausted from his sprint, he collapsed in front of the main desk. Panting, he rolled over and closed his eyes. Immediately the visions returned, visions of the horror he had just witnessed. Only this time, Shinji's subconscious conveniently added voices to the images, voices which cursed the boy, blaming him for their deaths. Their hate driven tirades cutting at Shinji's core, he began screaming and placed his hands over his head in a futile attempt to stop the verbal assault. "NO, STOP...STOP!" he screamed out. "I never meant for this to happen...please, stop." Shinji was rolling his head back and forth, trying anything to avoid the verbal and visual onslaught being launched against him. After a few minutes of this struggle, he finally stopped moving. "I'm so sorry" he whimpered.
"What are you sorry for?"
This voice was not like the children, Shinji thought as he slowly opened his eyes. Standing over him was a beautiful young woman, her red eyes gazing directly into his. He immediately recoiled in fear, sliding back away from the ghostly image until the front desk blocked his retreat. "Leave me alone!" he screamed as he turned away from her, silently hoping she was not real.
"What are you sorry for?" she repeated.
Shinji continued to look away, trying to ignore the question.
"Again I ask, what are you sorry for?"
He sighed realizing that she would probably keep asking until he replied. Slowly he turned back to face her. "I am sorry that I killed everyone."
"But you have killed no one."
"Yes I have, I have killed everyone, Rei...every man, woman, and child," Shinji voice began to break.
"Ikari, you are confused. Your emotions are not allowing you to see the truth."
"What the hell are you talking about?" He began to look quite agitated as he clenched and unclenched his fists.
"Ikari, the darkness inside you grows and soon it will extinguish the last bit of light, the last bit of hope which still resides in you. If that happens, then you truly will have killed them all."
Shinji cringed at her words as if they were causing him physical pain. He placed his hands on his head and screamed, "I can't take the pain anymore...there is so much...pain!" With that he suddenly lunged at her attempting to translate his emotional pain into physical actions. Effortlessly he flew right through her apparition and landed on the floor. Turning over he looked back just in time to see her frown as she slowly faded from view. Just before she completely disappeared, he could swear he saw a small tear form and run down her face. The visions and voices gone, he labored to his feet and began walking up the stairs...
---------
"It's a miracle!" Asuka had repeated this phrase at least fifteen times already, but the effect was still the same. She began to smile and fidget about the room. "It is nothing sort of a miracle," she screamed for joy. All of the negative energy she had been building up was now trying to escape as the truth was finally revealed. Staring at herself in the mirror, she was beaming with delight as she carefully rubbed, poked, and prodded her face, searching for any trace of damage. Try as she might, the image staring back at her was an exact duplicate of herself from a week prior. "I can't believe it!" she yelled and spun around, still trying to release the negative vibe she had accumulated. "Shinji is going to be so happy," she blurted out. Slowly a frown began to gaze back at her from the mirror. Would Shinji really be happy? she thought, and now that she was better, would he leave? Her mind raced through the possibilities to both questions, but each prospect presented more questions. No, she decided, she would have to address his reaction when the time came. Her face returned to its previous joy as she knew she could convince him to stay because she had one of her key weapons back. She began hunting through the cosmetics to prepare for battle.
Asuka was having difficulty reading the labels in the quickly fading light. She sighed and walked out of the bathroom and down to the fireplace. It appeared Shinji had prepared the fire with wood and paper, all she needed to do was light it. She smiled as she reflected at what a good person he really was. She knew that she wouldn't have been thoughtful enough to get the fire ready for him. Asuka began to blush as she thought of potential ways to reward him for his hard work. Her blush began to change to a look of frustration as she searched high and low around the fireplace for the lighter. "Who builds a fire, then hides the damn lighter?" Asuka trumpeted, searching vainly around the living room for said device. "Lighter, lighter, lighter..." she almost chanted while looking under pillows and chairs. "He probably left it in his room," she supposed.
Entering his room, she was quite taken back by the disarray it seemed to be in. For as long as she knew him, Shinji had always kept his room spotless, and this room looked worse than hers did. Spotting the canvas duffel bag on the bed, she remembered that they had put a couple of lighters in there earlier. Reaching around inside, her hand felt something cold, heavy and cold. Slowly pulling it out, she gasped as she saw the gun. Holding it out in front of her, she turned it around, noting the make and model. She recoiled as she noticed the safety was off and she carefully turned it back on. Her face tightened in disgust as she noted the carelessness that her companion had exercised in handling the weapon. She was quite familiar with guns, her father had a very extensive collection, and if there was one thing she knew, they were not toys. Asuka decided to eliminate the possibility of Shinji doing something stupid. As she began to remove the bullets from the magazine, a part of her was actually proud that he had at least shown some grit in taking it in the first place. A larger part of her, however, was upset that he had put himself at risk by not knowing the proper procedures for handling a gun, and most of all for not telling her. She finished removing the bullets and placed them in her pocket. Reaching back into the bag, she found her original target, a lighter and placed it in her other pocket. Her goal achieved, she decided to see if Shinji would eventually tell her about the gun so she carefully placed it back in the bag and left his room...
--------
Shinji arrived a short time later. Asuka had a good fire going and its light was compensating for the overcast night.
"Shinji, is that you?" she called out from the bathroom. Her only reply was the slamming of his bedroom door. Asuka sighed and put down her make up. "What's his problem?" she asked her reflection. His entrance had almost made her forget about her good news, almost. "SHINJI!" she yelled while pounding on his door, "Shinji, open up I've got great news!" Listening for a reply, she was stunned by his silence. "Come on, open the door, I've got something to show you," she cooed seductively.
Shinji laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts were being interrupted constantly by a certain pounding and yelling at his door. "Go away," was his terse reply as he tossed and turned in the bed.
"What, what did you say?" came her agitated response. She continued her physical assault on the door.
Shinji was beginning to really hate that girl's persistence. The pounding on the door was aggravating the pounding in his skull. He pulled a pillow over his head in a futile attempt to block out at least one the offending parties.
"Shinji, open this god damn door this instant!" Asuka's tone had switched along with her attitude. She no longer remembered what she wanted to tell him, only that she was tired of him ignoring her.
Shinji sat up straight in the bed and threw his pillow against the door. "What is it going to take for you to shut the hell up and go away!"
"Open the door and I'll leave you alone," came her reply.
If a human being actually possessed an internal rope, then Shinji had reached the end of it. He jumped out of the bed and stood facing the door, both his hands formed into fists. "Asuka, you better stop this shit and go away." He hammered his side of the door in response to her continued pounding.
Asuka really didn't know why she kept pushing. She actually wasn't trying to start anything with Shinji. In fact although she was still keeping her livid facade, she was being torn up inside. Even if the feelings were foreign to her, for the first time in her life, she just wanted to help. After all, if anyone should know the about the stages leading to a mental breakdown, it was her. And Shinji had begun to show the signs and it was scaring her. He was making the slow spiral into oblivion that had almost killed her. She beat the door with renewed vigor, "Shinji, open this door, I'm trying to help you, dammit!"
Shinji stopped hammering back. He slowly slumped back onto his bed. She doesn't want to help you, he thought to himself, no one wants to help you. She only wants to tease you because you are so weak, his inner voice reasoned, she will always hate you because you are such a coward. "I am not a coward," Shinji whispered to himself, "I'm just sick of everything, I should just die."
Asuka had stopped pummeling the door when Shinji had stopped at his end. She was intently listening as she could just barely hear him murmur something. "Oh great," she wondered aloud, "now he's taking to himself, I need to reach him soon before..." An image of the gun flashed through her mind. Her heart raced as she jammed her hand in her pocket to convince herself that she had in fact disabled the firearm. She breathed out a sigh of relief that he was safe from himself for the time being. However, the fact that he was on the wrong side of the door still presented her with a problem. Although the gun was no longer a threat, it would only be a matter of time before he thought to use the window or a belt. She drew in a deep breath before calmly speaking to him. "I'm sorry Shinji, but I found your little toy and removed the bullets. If you want to blow your stupid head off then you'll have to come out and get them." She could hear Shinji jump off the bed and suddenly realized she had no idea what to say to him if in fact he did open the door.
Shinji stumbled across the floor and sat down as he rummaged through the bag. He pulled out the gun and quickly inspected it. By the weight alone he knew she was right, she had the bullets. Why did she do it, he thought, she doesn't care what happens to me. He remembered how she was always interfering with his life; in fact he had trouble recalling his days before he met her. Ah, but she always tried to keep him down, his inner voice started, she was jealous of his sync ratio, jealous of his friends, jealous of everything he did. The minute he began to show some courage, she sabotaged his efforts. No, he decided, this time she had gone too far, she would have to pay for her crimes against him. Shinji stood and walked to the door. Calmly he unlatched the lock and slid it open. He was quite surprised to find Asuka had moved into the living room and was sitting in the chair, her back to him.
Shinji started, "Asuka, you had NO right to touch my things."
"Wrong," came her succinct reply.
"You had no right..."
She cut him off, "I have every right to remove a fire arm from a child."
"I'm not a child," he snapped.
"Yes you are, you didn't even have the common sense to keep the safety on, dumbkopf."
Shinji froze; did he really have the safety off, he pondered, perhaps he really didn't know what he was doing. Irrelevant, his inner voice retorted, she wasn't protecting you, she's trying to embarrass you, don't let her fool you. "Well that's not the issue," he told the girl.
"What is it than Shinji, what is the issue?"
Again he froze; she was asking a question that he thought knew the answer to, but yet he could say nothing. What was the issue between them?
Noticing he was faltering, she decided to press her advantage, "Shinji," she started slowly. "We can't go on like this. Your falling apart and I don't know how to help you." She pleaded to him, "please tell me what's wrong so I can try to help."
The sincerity in her voice nearly melted him. He really wanted to tell her everything, to ask all those questions he had asked himself a thousand times. Yet, he could not, his inner voice had won once again and he found himself watching from the background. "I don't need your help, I'll never need anything from you!" Shinji heard the words, but didn't understand who said them. It couldn't be him, he reflected, he didn't possess that much hate, did he? What was he saying, what was happening? The events around him seemed to be flowing at an incredible pace. He was saying things without even thinking about them. Horrible things meant for only one purpose, to injure the girl. He continued his verbal assault for some time before finally relenting to survey the damage.
Asuka listened as her companion berated her. She closed her eyes and listened intently as she heard things come from the boy that she never imaged he would say. He screamed spiteful things, laced with profanity that she blushed upon hearing, he was not holding anything back. The problem was he still hadn't addressed what his problem was, he was only complaining. After he finished she thought carefully before replying, "and to think, I kissed you with that dirty mouth."
Shinji was livid, wondering how she could be so coy. She was putting him down again and he knew it. He moved over and grabbed her shoulders, forcing her to face him, "You listen to me, you bitch, you don't..." his voice trailed off.
"What are you looking at?" she screamed.
"Y...Your face, there's nothing wrong with you." He roughly grabbed her face and twisted it from side to side, examining every feature.
Asuka finally remembered what she was going to tell him; "Yeah, well, I guess I'm a fast healer" she smiled. Perhaps her main weapon had found his mark. She began to blush a little as he stared at her face, then carefully inspected her arm. "Yup, as good as new," she added.
Shinji stood and slowly walked toward the front door.
"Hey, where are you going?" she called out, "what's the matter?"
"You lied to me, you used me." His tone was much different than the previous argument.
Asuka sensed the change in his voice, "I didn't know, I...I just found out" she whispered trying to calm him.
"Liar!" he bellowed and opened the door.
"Shinji, no, let me explain." She began moving toward the door but one piercing look from him convinced her to stop.
"Goodbye, Asuka, I never want to see you again." With that he slammed the door behind him.
To be continued...
Authors Notes:
Sorry for the darkness in this chapter but it's needed to get where I'm going. This story is NOT a darkfic, although you wouldn't know it from this chapter... I realize that traditional fic canon has Asuka scarred from her Eva Series battle. I chose to work off the premise that although she knew she was injured, she had enough ego to see herself as she was before, in other words her mental image of herself would be the uninjured Asuka, the bandages were only put their by her knowledge that she had some injures from the battle. If this still doesn't make sense, email me and I'll try to make more sense...I am not some anti-hand gun activist, I am only using the handgun as a plot device, not a political statement... Again biggest thanks go to my prereaders, 20eva and Random1377 because believe me, I couldn't do it without them, thanks guys (but I'm still not telling you how this fics going to end, sorry boys.) Special thanks goes out to my buddy Rico for giving me all the German translations I need. I wished I could have used more but there is always the next fic...
One last thing, I will not leave the readers hanging with this darkness for too long, I promise to have Chap 5 up quickly so you don't have to suffer with the somber ending of this chapter for long.
As always, C & C is appreciated, please contact me at nergalfanfic@yahoo.com.