Nergal Fan Fiction LLC
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NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: RENAISSANCE
Chapter Five "TEAR DOWN THE WALL"
by Ryoma
Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have been used without permission. All characters contained in this work are copyright GAINAX, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision and Manga Entertainment.
"Goodbye, Asuka, I never want to see you again," the slamming door providing emphasis to his point.
Shinji exploded out of the hotel entrance, pausing for just a moment, his vision robbed by the driving rain. The luxury of sight, removed by the darkness as it engulfed any light from the moon and stars, mattered not to Shinji. One force resonated within his mind, run away. His actions guided by this force, he soon found himself a fair distance from his origin. Stopping to catch his breath, he turned back and stared at the single beacon of light in the otherwise dark facade. As the light from the fire behind her flickered, he could make out the outline of the girl standing in the window. With a sigh he turned and continued on his way.
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Asuka stood motionless, still in a state of shock. The events of the past hour swirled in her head as she deliberated on a course of action. Chasing after him was an option, but in his current state of mind, he wouldn't listen. Instead she grabbed a book and threw it at the door.
"FINE, I don't need you!" she screamed, while tipping over the large chair in the room. She didn't need him, she thought to herself, she didn't need anybody. Her eyes started to water as she slowly realized the folly in that supposition. She really did need him. Deciding it was too late to run after him, the only option remaining was to wait and hope that he was able to sort things out on his own. Groaning, she realized that hope was in short supply nowadays. She walked over to the balcony window and scanned the ground below. The rain was still coming down as she could just barely make out a shape standing in the darkness. Her heart raced as she thought the figure seemed to stare at her for a moment, but soon it turned and disappeared into the void.
"No, Asuka," she resigned to herself, "he won't be coming back."
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Shinji stumbled onto the bridge, surprised that he had reached his destination so soon. Taking a moment gather himself, he took more uneasy steps out, the wind buffeting his advance. Ducking down to counter pounding gale, he chuckled to himself as he held tightly onto the hand railing. After all, he had come here to jump off, yet here he was holding on to the railing for dear life. Perhaps he wanted to do the job himself, he thought, as he fought on.
Finally reaching the heart of the span, Shinji wiped his face with his free hand as he climbed over the railing, uncertain if the moisture was rain or his own tears. Looking down he tried to make out the river below, but he could perceive nothing in the deepening darkness. His heart raced as he began to build up the courage for this one last desperate act. The sheer emptiness of the blackness below frightened him to the point he closed his eyes to block it out. Gradually he started to sway, each time leaning a bit farther out over the edge. Soon he would have the courage to release his grip. Soon the pain would finally be gone.
'Ikari, the darkness inside you grows and soon it will extinguish the last bit of light, the last bit of hope which still resides in you. If that happens, then you truly will have killed them all.'
What was it about those words that seemed to cut to his very core? If the darkness wins, you will kill them all. Kill them all. Kill. The darkness. The darkness will kill them all. Darkness, the absence of light. Light. Hope. The absence of hope will kill them all.
Slowly he opened his eyes and gazed down. Darkness...the void. Sickness. He felt sick at the thought of allowing himself to be drawn into that abyss.
The voice in Shinji Ikari that drove him to this point, at this time, fought to regain control. The end of the pain was so close, so near. Just take one last step for me.
Yet, another voice stirred within him. A voice that was as unfamiliar to him as the other was well known. Something in this new participant gave him pause. The words it spoke were uplifting, their message shining through Shinji's cluttered mind as he sat back down, away from the edge.
"Thank you."
"Huh?" Shinji turned and looked around for the source of the voice.
"Thank you,"
"F...for what?" he replied, still scanning the area.
"For not surrendering to the darkness."
Shinji finally recognized the voice. "I may still jump, I...I just don't know yet, Rei." He stood to emphasize his point.
"The fact that you were able to stare into the darkness and stop proves that your light is still burning."
"My light?"
"Yes, Ikari, the light within your heart." Rei slowly materialized in front of him, floating a few feet out from the edge. "Filled with your truth. Still it burns. Filled with your hope and love defeating the darkness that surrounds it."
"What's there to live for?" he replied sardonically as he steadied himself against a burst of wind.
"Living for yourself is not enough?"
He simply shook his head as lightning flashed behind Rei, yet she did not flinch as Shinji observed the rain fall directly through her, unimpeded on its journey to the ground. "I don't want to be alone. I can't live if I'm alone."
"You are not alone."
"I AM alone," he cried as he then bowed his head, his voice dropping to a whisper, "Now that she's better she doesn't need me...she's going to leave me."
"Assumptions, you simply assumed without asking."
"Why would she stay, she hates me, she told me herself."
"Words spoken in haste or anger cannot be taken as fact."
Shinji suddenly found himself back at the hotel suite, looking at himself and Asuka arguing as they did shortly before. Shinji cringed as he listened to himself berate the poor girl. "Is this really me?"
He turned to Rei, who was standing beside him, "Yes."
Shinji continued to listen before addressing her again, "Why did I do this?"
"Emotions are a powerful force," she said with a smile, "unfortunately when they are released unchecked they may cause pain."
Shinji nodded in agreement, "I think I understand."
Rei simply returned his nod.
"But still...after all the terrible things I've done to her."
Rei stared blankly back at him, her eyes unmoving.
He cleared his throat. "Well, I...I let her die," his voice trailing.
Looking up he yearned for some response, but the pale skinned girl would only return gaze.
"I was too afraid to try and save her."
"Still you choose to view the past with lying eyes. Search your heart, search your soul for the truth."
Shinji closed his eyes and concentrated as an image began to appear. He found himself inside the Eva hanger, standing on the upper walkway, watching the elevator indicator descending as he heard its approach. Over the intercom he could hear Maya's voice describing the action above on the Geofront. The elevator doors opened revealing Shinji Ikari, the Shinji of 4 days prior. Shinji stumbled out of the elevator, still clutching the cross Misato had given him just before as he stepped over to the railing and observed Unit 01 completely encased in bakelite. With a sigh, he slumped down and sat against the wall as Asuka's voice could be clearly heard over the loudspeaker, calling for him. Sobbing, the boy in the image dropped his head down below his knees and curled into a tight ball, trying to block out the repeated pleas for help.
"If this is the truth, then I there was no way I could get into Unit 01," Shinji screamed over the wind as the rain continued to pelt him.
"The images are of the truth."
"Then why is my memory different, why would I change the facts if it really wasn't my fault?"
"Did the truth hurt?"
Shinji paused for a moment. Remembering the image of himself curled into a ball listening to the battle above, he nodded his head in agreement.
"You do not like pain. In yourself or others."
"No."
"Why would you accept the pain of guilt then?"
"I...I guess if I can take away others pain, then...maybe I won't hurt so much."
"Is that working?"
"Huh?"
"Have you helped others by taking away their pain?"
Shinji thinks for a moment. "No," he resigns, "when Asuka was hurt after the fight with the Fifteenth Angel, I decided it was my fault for not helping her. The reality is my father wouldn't let me go. Still, I chose to accept responsibility because of my guilt, but it didn't help her pain, it probably made it worse."
Rei nodded knowingly. "Correct."
"I understand now Rei, I'm not proud but I think I understand."
"Ikari, what has happened in the past can never be undone, but as long as you learn from your mistakes, you will avoid them in the future."
Shinji nodded his head in agreement. "I recognize that now, and I will try harder in the future to do better." As he finished, his face dropped and he turned away from Rei.
"Ikari?"
"Thanks for your help, Rei. You've helped me realize my mistakes and I will strive to do better." His voice was beginning to break by the time he finished.
"Then why...?"
Shinji faced her again, looking quite upset. "Well you saw how I treated Asuka." He turned again and began walking away from Rei, towards the far end of the bridge. "No, I've learned these lessons too late to make a difference."
"So you still reject the truth?"
Shinji stopped and spun around on his heal. "No, I accept the truth, some of my actions were stupid, most of them in fact." He took a deep breath before continuing, "But the truth right now is that Asuka hates me. Nothing is going to change that fact." Rei's lowered her head as the boy scolded her, but he still persisted. "No one else is coming back. I am going to be alone. And I'm not really looking forward to it." Shinji turned and again began walking away.
"Assumptions." Shinji continued walking without acknowledging her. "Do you think you understand her?"
"Yes!" he replied while still walking.
"Assumptions."
Shinji suddenly found himself in Misato's apartment. Turning around he sees Asuka approaching.
"You don't understand anything! Stay away from me!" Asuka screamed into his face.
"I do understand," Shinji replied, his hand twitching.
"No you don't, you IDIOT!" Asuka kicked him before she continued, "You really think you understand me!? You think that you can help me? That is so ARROGANT! You couldn't possibly understand me!!"
Shinji shouted back at her, "How can I understand... If you don't say anything? You don't say anything... You don't talk to me...How can I understand you? It's IMPOSSIBLE!!"
Shinji is again standing back on the bridge. "Ikari, did you try to understand?"
Shinji replied indignantly, "I tried...she won't open up to me."
"Did you really try?" Rei continued her gaze into his eyes.
Shinji reviewed everything he could remember of his encounters with Asuka. Had he really tried to reach her, he thought, or had he simply given up at the slightest hint of resistance? Based on his recent grasp of the truth and his previously distorted view of it, he slowly reached his conclusion. "No...I guess I didn't really try." The meaning of those words seemed to cause him great pain as was evidenced in his face. "I don't think I know how."
"Assumptions."
He looked over at Rei with a look of complete bewilderment. "What?"
"You have always known how to understand her and the others. You have just chosen to ignore that fact and just assumed they were unreachable."
Shinji again paused to contemplate the point she was trying to make. He finally stammered out an answer, "Talk to her...?
"Have you?"
He seemed to be expecting this reply from Rei, as he jumped all over the answer, "Every time I try to talk to her, she just shuts me out, she ignores me, she makes fun of me, she hates me for even trying."
"You refuse to lower the barriers around your own heart. Why should she open her heart to you when yours is completely obscured from view?"
"What?...You mean..." He started while walking back to Rei.
"Yes," she replied cutting him short.
Shinji waited until he was face to face with Rei before continuing, "I didn't open up, but every time I do it causes me pain, Rei. Whenever I open my heart, someone causes me pain, and I can't take it...not anymore."
"How would you recognize happiness if you never experience pain?"
"Where is the happiness?" came his agitated response. "That's an ideal belief, I have experienced plenty of pain but I have yet to experience the happiness you promise." As much as he wanted to grab the girl, he remembered the incident in the hotel lobby and just imitated the motion.
Rei continued in a calm voice, "You fight to avoid the pain, thus you also fight to avoid the happiness. Once you accept one, only then will you accept the other."
Shinji carefully reviewed her words as he turned and placed his elbows against the railing and stared out at the night sky. For the first time he realized that the rain had stopped and the sky was rapidly clearing. He could actually make out the river below in the increasing moonlight.
"I understand now, I think." He stared for another moment at the river below, before turning to face her. "Thank you."
"Although you made the choice to live with the pain of AT fields, it became obvious to us that you were still not ready for the consequences of that choice."
"Yes, I suppose your right..."
"And now?"
"I know it won't be easy, but I'll keep trying. I will find a way to be happy and go on living, even if she doesn't want me."
"So you have enough now?" Shinji nods. "That's good for you." He stared at her as he attempted to remember why that choice of words seemed so...familiar.
"I didn't ask for this," he commented after again looking out at the river below.
"Ask for what?" came the curious reply.
"Well, all of this. Third Impact, the power to choose the human race's fate, this world."
"Third Impact was inevitable. As for the power to choose mankind's fate, you were the best choice."
Shinji turned to face her again. "I never asked to be mankind's judge, jury, and...executioner." He faced cringed as he spoke the final word, visions of school uniforms and deserted buildings running through his head.
Rei smiled, "And savior." Shinji could not help but feel lifted upon seeing one of her rare smiles and he returned it. "Ikari, you must believe that you have made the correct choice. Keep faith and hope in yourself, they have always been inside of you, let them grow."
"I'll try, I will, but tell me, will they return?"
"Even I do not know. There is still much sadness and emptiness. They are still without hope, each soul trying to find the will to live, trying to find the truth within their hearts."
"I see," he replied with a slight nod. Shinji turned toward the hotel and began running away, "Goodbye!" he yelled back to her.
Rei watched him as he ran toward the end of the bridge, "Keep the light of hope and love burning, young Ikari...they are watching you."
Stopping just before stepping off the bridge, Shinji turned around but found that the girl had disappeared. "Thank you, Rei " he whispered as he started running again.
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Asuka finally found sleep as she sprawled out on the couch in front of the fire. The suite was in a state of disarray. She had directed her anger and frustration upon its contents. The couch was the only object remaining intact in the entire room as pillows, books, and chairs lay tossed about. The physical exertion paled in comparison to the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. She tossed and turned as she dreamed about the confrontation with Shinji. She really only wanted to help him, she thought, but he refused her again and again. Ok, so maybe she had handled it the wrong way, she supposed, but still, he must have realized that at least she was trying. It wasn't like she was some expert on the stuff, she was new to the whole caring thing.
"It certainly is frustrating, is it not?"
Asuka jumped up with a start. "W...who said that?" She peered around the room and could see no one. "S...Shinji is that you?" she whispered, hoping that he would answer.
"No, unfortunately he is presently indisposed. You have not answered my question yet."
"Who the hell are you?" Asuka used anger to disguise her fear. She balled her hands up into tight fists, preparing to defend herself.
"Ah, that's right, we haven't been introduced. My name is Nagisa, Kaworu Nagisa, Miss Sohryu and I am very pleased to finally meet you."
Kaworu, Kaworu, where had she heard that name before, she tried to remember but nothing came to her. "Well, Nagisa, how did you get in here," she continued looking around the room, "and better yet, where in the hell are you?"
"Please, call me Kaworu, and I'm right here."
She turned toward the sound of his voice behind her and jumped back at seeing a boy, about her height, with light skin and piercing red eyes. If not for the voice, she might have assumed it was Rei in the dim light. "How did you get in here, and how do you know me?"
"How I got here is unimportant, I have been watching you for some time now." Kaworu paused and walked toward the balcony. "Let me clarify my earlier question...is it frustrating when sincere help is rejected?"
"Well of course it is," Asuka motioned to the upturned furniture in the room, still unsure why she was talking to the stranger.
"So now you know how he felt."
"Huh?"
Asuka suddenly felt light headed as all around her the room instantly exploded with a bright light. Squinting she attempted to still watch the boy, but soon even that was impossible. As quickly as it started, the light dimmed and Asuka slowly opened her eyes, waiting as they adjusted to the new light source. Glancing around Asuka gasped as she recognized that she stood in the streets of Tokyo-3, the old Tokyo-3 before Third Impact. In front of her she could see the massive shape of Unit 02 slowly descend into the Geofront below. As the robot slipped below the surface, she turned and saw two figures at the tunnel entrance. The one standing she immediately recognized as Shinji Ikari, and although the one sitting had her back to Asuka, she cringed as the truth about this moment struck. She was seeing the events that happened after her battle with the Fifteenth Angel.
"Hey, I'm glad your OK, Asuka." Shinji called out, trapped behind the quarantine barrier.
The girl in the red plugsuit sat with her head between her knees. "Who in the hell is OK, anyway. It couldn't get any worse. That little bitch rescued me, that little bitch rescued ME. Don't you know that I'd rather have died. I hate her...I hate you Shinji, I hate EVERYTHING!."
In an instant the boy's face dropped. When Asuka first noticed him standing there, he seemed so happy, as if he truly was concerned about her well being. But after hearing her words, the boy stood for another moment, his face locked into an expression of pure pain as if someone were tearing his heart from him, before turning and walking away, his head hung low. Asuka cringed as she watched him dejectedly walk away.
"Never had a chance...did he?"
Asuka turned to see Kaworu standing next to her. She simply lowered her hand and turned her gaze on the girl sitting in front of her, apparently sobbing. She observed her for a few moments before responding, "Well, things were tough at that moment. That Angel really messed me up...I was hurt."
"What better time to ask for or accept help?"
She turned to Kaworu with a look of fire in her eyes, she closed the gap between them shouting, "I don't need anyone's help! I didn't need Shinji's help, I sure as hell didn't need Wondergirl's help, and do you know what...I don't need yours." She crossed her arms on her chest and turned away.
Kaworu sighed heavily, "Yes, you didn't need help, did you Miss Sohryu?" He paused for a moment and continued, "and look where it got you."
Before Asuka could respond, she found herself staring at a young girl half submerged in a filthy bathtub in a rundown apartment. She immediately knew who the girl was, and although disgusted by the scene, she could not take her eyes off herself. Out of the corner of her vision she could see two members of Section 2 enter the room and call back that she had been found. In an instant a repressed memory resurfaced and she screamed, "Don't show me this, I don't want to remember!"
Kaworu shook his head, "you need to know...I am truly sorry."
Asuka gasped in horror as the two Section 2 men roughly pulled her out of the tub, taking little care as to where they placed their hands on her body. Asuka began to sob as she listened to the men describe various sexual acts they could perform on the lifeless body below them.
"Stop this...Kaworu, please" she meekly requested. Her response came in the form of his shaking head as she turned back to the scene being played out in front of them. The Section 2 men scanned every inch of her, her dignity stripped away much like her pride had been earlier. Asuka could only watch as the men finally decided to carry her out, again placing their hands all over her and not bothering to cover her, to the car below.
"Enough...I think you realize how dangerous your attitude can be." He looked over expecting a response but felt otherwise after seeing the pain and horror in her eyes. He groaned as he came to the realization that his mission was much harder then he thought initially, and it was still not completed. After giving her a moment to compose herself, he decided to press on, "So...do you understand the folly of your current attitude?"
Asuka took a deep breath as she fought to collect her thoughts. "I guess."
Kaworu shook his head, she was not going to make it easy on either of them. "Shall we try again? This time we can start during the battle with Arael!"
She winced at that thought. "I get it already, I really do. I need to get better at opening up and accepting help. Jeez, you don't need to cram it down my throat."
Kaworu eyed her suspiciously as he judged if her reply was sarcastic or simply poorly stated. He decided the latter and remarked, "My, my aren't you a little fireball. No wonder Shinji is so enamored with you."
She began to blush, "WHAT?"
Kaworu raised a hand to silence her and continued, "Back on the original topic." His tone turned very solemn, "make no jokes about the seriousness of your actions, if you do not learn to open your heart and accept the caring and help of others..."
Without warning, Asuka found herself inside Misato's apartment, standing in the kitchen looking at Shinji and a duplicate Asuka.
"I want to help you, and be with you forever," Shinji called to Asuka.
"Then don't do anything. Don't come near me anymore...because all you ever do is hurt me," she bellowed.
"Asuka, help me! You're the only one who can!" he pleads to her.
Kaworu speaks, "you wish to help him, yet you push him away, why?"
Asuka turns to face him as the action continues in front of them. "Because I don't need his help."
Kaworu frowns, "must we start over... " the look on her face provided his answer, "now tell me the true reason."
"I...I don't want to get hurt." She took a deep breath before continuing, "whenever someone gets close to me, I get hurt."
"You cannot experience happiness without pain."
"That's not true!" she replied.
Kaworu nodded his head as he questioned, "what gave you the greatest pleasure in life?"
Asuka's face became aglow as she replied, "That's easy, piloting Eva!"
"Ok," he paused as if hoping she might realize the direction this conversation was going, "what has caused you the greatest pain?"
She did not answer as quickly this time. She tried as hard as she could to find something, anything, other then the answer that immediately entered her mind. Reluctantly she responded, "piloting Eva."
In contrast to the pain Asuka was feeling, Kaworu was positively ecstatic, "Excellent, do you see the relationship now?"
"Yes," she resigned.
"Good, Miss Sohryu, we are almost done. Why do you push him away?"
Yet again Asuka paused as she tried to sort through the ideas swirling in her head. In the beginning of her time with Kaworu, she had not wanted to face the truth and fought to repress her answers to his questions. Now her problem was that she really did want to find the correct answer, not as much for him, but for herself. " I...I'm afraid of him."
"How can you be afraid of him?" As if on cue, the Asuka in the kitchen pushed Shinji to the ground, spilling the coffee on the floor.
"I...I don't know."
"Yes you do Asuka," Kaworu called as he began to get quite animated.
The truth was in her heart, and they both knew it. She sighed as it finally reached the surface. "B...because he is just like me."
"Very good, Asuka."
"I was yelling at him, but all I could see was me. I was staying all these things to myself." The image of Shinji on the floor changes to Asuka, "that is the way it should have been. Instead I chose to take out my frustrations on Shinji because he was a convenient excuse." Asuka began to look despondent.
"What?"
"Can't you see, this means it is all my fault. If I had acted differently, he...he might have made a different choice. It's all my fault." Asuka collapsed to the floor while her image chokes itself in the background as she sobbed uncontrollably.
Kaworu shook his head and offered his hand to her. "No, it's not your fault. Shinji still acted on his own accord. You are correct, however, if you had helped him when he called, circumstances might have changed."
Asuka continued sobbing and pushed his hand away without making eye contact. "I'm scum."
He formed a slight smile at her choice of words before continuing, "No you are not." He waited for her to compose herself. "You are a confused young woman who was thrust into an impossible situation and handled it, right or wrong, the only way she knew how. No one can ever hold that against you, so you should not hold it against yourself." She listened to his words and began to calm down, her sobs ceasing. "History lesson over, Miss Sohryu, the rest of your life will be the test."
She could feel herself shaking and a voice began to resonate in her head, getting louder each moment.
"Asuka...Asuka...ASUKA!"
She slowly opened her eyes and observed a pair of very concerned deep blue eyes staring back at her. "S...Shinji, is that you?" He simply smiled and nodded while releasing her shoulders from his grip. "Oh," she cried pulling him down into her arms and into a tight embrace. "I thought you weren't coming back."
They both lay like this for a few moments, both enjoying each other's presence after the night they had just experienced. Asuka finally decided to speak, "I'm sorry, I should have never..."
Shinji picked his head up and cut her short. "No!" Asuka looked up at him in bewilderment. "No, don't ever apologize for doing the right thing." He sighed as he continued, "I was wrong, I should apologize to you for putting you in that situation."
As they both reflected on other's actions and words, it suddenly dawned on each of them that Shinji was still lying on top of Asuka. Their mutual blush rivaled the burning embers of the fire. He jumped off of her and rolled onto the floor. "S...sorry about that," he stammered.
"Yah, well..." was the best she could muster.
Although neither of them admitted it, their faces revealed the truth as they suddenly felt empty at the loss of physical contact. Shinji moved over and sat with his back to the couch, staring at the far wall while Asuka remained prone on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.
Shinji cleared his throat. "Asuka?"
Asuka tensed a bit at the seriousness in his tone. "Shinji," she returned, expecting the worst.
He paused as he tried to summon the courage to speak. "I am sorry that I didn't help you fight the Eva Series."
The mere mention of the Eva Series cause Asuka to cringe, she did not want remember anything about that battle. "Shinji, I don't want to talk about that now! ...It hurts." She paused as emotions bubbled up within her; "You wouldn't come to help me..." Asuka sobbed as she found she could not contain her emotions anymore.
Shinji felt her pain, and bowed his head in disgust that he had forced her to this point. He wanted the pain to stop, and he prepared his standard, 'I'm sorry', but something within himself struggled to be heard. An inner voice called to him, and for the first time in Shinji Ikari's life, he listened to his heart.
"I couldn't get into Unit 01, the hanger was flooded with bakelite. I couldn't reach the entry plug." He took a deep breath as his inner voice spurred him on, "I wanted to help you so bad. I just couldn't." Asuka stopped sobbing and she could hear the pain in his voice, "Maya was screaming over the loudspeakers, and I could hear everything you said. I never felt so helpless. You were up there fighting, and I could do nothing but listen."
Asuka listened intently to his words. Inside she felt a great sense of relief upon hearing the truth behind Shinji's abandonment of her. "It must have been awful to have to listen, and not be able to do anything."
Shinji hesitated; this was not the response he had expected. "Asuka, I wished as hard as I could to be there, fighting beside you again." He took another deep breath, his inner voice quiet as it was no longer needed, "When Maya said you...were...were killed, I wanted to die myself. I let you down."
Hearing him sob, she unconsciously reached out and caressed his hair. "Don't cry, idiot." It was all she could do not to cry herself as she moved her hand down and began rubbing his neck. "Besides, you would have just been in the way, probably tripped me or something."
Shinji chuckled, "Thanks, Asuka."
"Thank you Shinji, for telling me the truth...but why did you wait so long?"
He scratched his head. "I wish I knew."
The both sat in silence and admired their work. Shinji was quite surprised that he was actually able to open up to her, and she responded. Asuka was in a state of near shock as she felt she had actually helped him, if even just a little. Small steps, they both thought, enough small steps and they may get somewhere.
"Asuka," Shinji called, breaking the silence. "Can I ask you a question?"
Her mind raced at all the possible queries he could have. "Sure," she replied not really paying attention.
"Now that you're better, when...are you going to leave?"
Asuka stopped rubbing his neck and sat up. Shinji cringed as he feared her answer. She's going to leave, he thought to himself, I just know it, she's already made up her mind. He hung his head down and awaited the devastating news. She stood up from the couch and walked over to the fire, placing a fresh log on the flames. She turned to him, "if you want me to go, then I'll leave tomorrow."
Shinji sighed, she would leave tomorrow, he lamented. He at least now knew she didn't want to stay, and he could move forward. With a frown he began fight back his disappointment as her words echoed in his mind, 'If you want me to go...' If I want her to go, he wondered, I don't want her to go. "I don't want you to go," he spoke, his voice reiterating his thoughts.
Asuka gazed at him in bewilderment. He had just asked her when she was leaving, after all he didn't want to be with her anymore, but then why is he telling her he doesn't want to go? Something was getting lost in the translation she supposed. "What, I don't want to leave, YOU want me to go."
Shinji cocked his head in bafflement.
In a different set of circumstances, their mutual confusion over a simple question would have been comical, however given the importance of the subject to the parties concerned, frustration was setting in. Luckily for Shinji, Asuka was well educated on dealing with frustrating situations. "Mein Gott in Himmel, why are you making this so difficult, stupid. Listen to me." She pointed to herself for clarification and spoke slowly with emphasis, "Do YOU," she pointed to the boy, "want ME," she again pointed to herself, "too LEAVE?" her fingers making a simulated walking motion towards the front door.
"No!" he said while shaking his head.
"Ok, then why are you asking when I'm leaving?"
"Because YOU want to leave." He turned away as he hung his head down.
'Because you want to leave' she thought, 'you want...', 'you...', ME!, she called out to herself, he actually thinks I want to leave. "Shinji, you idiot, where did you get the idea that I wanted to leave?"
"I don't...I just figured that you wanted to leave." He turned around to face her as he began to see the error of his logic.
"I don't want to leave, I like it here. Besides you need me to keep you out of trouble." She cracked a slight grin that Shinji returned with a beaming smile. "I thought YOU wanted me...to...leave," her voice dropped as she realized exactly how stupid the two of them had just acted. "Shinji, we must be the two dumbest people in the world." Asuka cringed as she tried to catch those last words based on her companion's feelings about the current state of the world population. "Oh, bad choice of words, I'm sorry!"
"No, Asuka, it's alright. Even though we're the only one's right now, I think even if everyone was here, we still would have been the dumbest." He smiled knowingly at her, causing her to blush. "We've both acted pretty stupid for the past few days."
"Past year, Shinji," she added with a grin. He nodded in agreement as she continued, "Ok, from now on, we need to talk about things and get the facts straight before jumping to conclusions and getting all worked up." Shinji stopped nodding and looked at her with a wry grin. "Ok, I may still get worked up, but you'll just have to deal with it!"
"You've got a deal!" he said, elated, and jumped up, standing next to her. "There is so much I wanted to talk to you about!" his excitement barely contained.
Asuka simply closed her eyes as Shinji ranted about all the subjects he wanted to discuss with her, none of which seemed all that appealing at the moment. Finally, she had enough, "Shinji, enough already!" She waited for him to stop and look at her before continuing, "listen, we have the rest of our lives to sort through our problems, it's not going to happen in one night."
Shinji grasped her point, "Yeah, I guess your right."
"Besides, there is a certain incident that happened just before Third Impact that we need to address, but to be honest, I don't have the strength to deal with it right now, it can wait."
Shinji turned away in humiliation as he immediately knew what she was describing. "I have no excuse..."
She cut him off before he could continue, "Shinji, I said not now!"
Glancing up, he could see the seriousness in her eyes, "I'm sorry."
She scowled at him, "What did you say!"
"Er...sorry?" he stammered.
"Stop saying that!" she roared.
"I guess its just a habit, sorry!"
Judging that the boy had suffered enough for now, Asuka smiled and attempted to lighten the atmosphere. "You're hopeless!" she yelled as she started to laugh.
Shinji hesitantly joined her laughter, relieved that her she seemed in a good mood again, although in the back of his mind he knew he had better come up with a good reason for his actions or the penalty would be quite severe.
Asuka looked out the window to see the dawn approaching, "well, I've got like no sleep tonight, so I'm going to turn in."
Shinji nodded, "You're right, it's been a long day and I'm beat." They both walked toward their mutual bedrooms.
"Well, good night" he whispered to her as they reached the bedroom doors.
"Good night" she replied. Neither of them made a move toward their room. Instead they stood staring at each other, each one not wanting to be the first to move and destroy the moment. They stayed like this for a solid minute, neither moving before Asuka finally broke the stalemate.
"Listen, my bed's really big, if you think you can be trusted to keep your paws off this magnificent body, I would feel better if I didn't have to sleep alone." She bowed her head to hide her blush.
Shinji's heart nearly leapt out of his chest, she had read his mind. The last thing he wanted after the past day was to be alone. "S...sure, I can be trusted." He also bowed his head to hide his blush.
"Ok," she laughed while running into her room and jumping onto the bed, "I got the window side!"
He only nodded as he slowly made his way into the room.
The sun was just beginning to rise as the two finally were prepared to sleep. "Asuka, thanks for letting me sleep in here, I didn't want to be alone," Shinji said while pulling the covers tightly over himself.
"No big deal," she responded as she also bundled up.
"Do you think these feelings will last? Can we learn to live together?" he questioned as he closed his eyes.
"If you asked me that question 2 days ago, I would have said never. But now, I like our chances."
Shinji smiled deeply after hearing her comments. His heart was pounding and he admitted to himself that this was the happiest moment of his life. He never felt as alive as he did at that moment, and yet he knew that these feelings could grow over time and he could experience even more pleasure. For the first time in his life, Shinji Ikari was no longer afraid of the future, and the uncertainty it brings.
Asuka was right, her bed was quite large and they were able to keep a good distance between one another. Neither seemed to mind, they both had become so much closer in the past day, that the remaining distance was insignificant.
For the first time that either of them could remember, they both slept without nightmares. No images of the past haunting them, no hidden demons to torture their slumber, no tossing and turning to fight battles they never could win. No, this night the two slept and dreamed; dreamed of the future, something they had both feared but now welcomed with open arms, their dreams full of hope and promise.
From a distant vantage point in the heavens, a single presence looks back at the Earth and Moon. She gazes longingly, as she has been for quite a while now, waiting for something to ease her fears. Suddenly a dim light flickers on the surface and she focuses on it intently. Much to her delight, the light does not diminish, but rather it seems to grow and begins to shine brightly, soon rivaling any star. The eyes of Unit 01 glow for just a moment as it takes in the view of Earth, before it again goes dim and its pilot resumes her journey.
Authors Notes:
Points to clarify, Shinji stopped himself from jumping, not Rei. He still had enough doubts about whether or not to jump that he at least stopped to think it over. No, Asuka was not molested, per se, by Section 2. But her dignity was severely damaged by the fact that they did degrade her by their comments and perhaps "copping a feel" as they pulled her out of the tub. I case Kaworu didn't make it clear, it is not Asuka's fault that Shinji asked to have everyone die during 3rd Impact. She was merely part of the equation, a big part, but the decision was still his... thanks again to 20eva and Random1377 for the prereading and a huge thank you to Rhine, for devoting a lot of his valuable time to help this struggling fic writer out, all of you guys are the best and way more then I deserve. Any comments or questions, send me an email at nergalfanfic @yahoo.com.
A division of Nergal Heavy Industries proudly presents:
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: RENAISSANCE
Chapter Five "TEAR DOWN THE WALL"
by Ryoma
Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have been used without permission. All characters contained in this work are copyright GAINAX, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision and Manga Entertainment.
"Goodbye, Asuka, I never want to see you again," the slamming door providing emphasis to his point.
Shinji exploded out of the hotel entrance, pausing for just a moment, his vision robbed by the driving rain. The luxury of sight, removed by the darkness as it engulfed any light from the moon and stars, mattered not to Shinji. One force resonated within his mind, run away. His actions guided by this force, he soon found himself a fair distance from his origin. Stopping to catch his breath, he turned back and stared at the single beacon of light in the otherwise dark facade. As the light from the fire behind her flickered, he could make out the outline of the girl standing in the window. With a sigh he turned and continued on his way.
---------
Asuka stood motionless, still in a state of shock. The events of the past hour swirled in her head as she deliberated on a course of action. Chasing after him was an option, but in his current state of mind, he wouldn't listen. Instead she grabbed a book and threw it at the door.
"FINE, I don't need you!" she screamed, while tipping over the large chair in the room. She didn't need him, she thought to herself, she didn't need anybody. Her eyes started to water as she slowly realized the folly in that supposition. She really did need him. Deciding it was too late to run after him, the only option remaining was to wait and hope that he was able to sort things out on his own. Groaning, she realized that hope was in short supply nowadays. She walked over to the balcony window and scanned the ground below. The rain was still coming down as she could just barely make out a shape standing in the darkness. Her heart raced as she thought the figure seemed to stare at her for a moment, but soon it turned and disappeared into the void.
"No, Asuka," she resigned to herself, "he won't be coming back."
---------
Shinji stumbled onto the bridge, surprised that he had reached his destination so soon. Taking a moment gather himself, he took more uneasy steps out, the wind buffeting his advance. Ducking down to counter pounding gale, he chuckled to himself as he held tightly onto the hand railing. After all, he had come here to jump off, yet here he was holding on to the railing for dear life. Perhaps he wanted to do the job himself, he thought, as he fought on.
Finally reaching the heart of the span, Shinji wiped his face with his free hand as he climbed over the railing, uncertain if the moisture was rain or his own tears. Looking down he tried to make out the river below, but he could perceive nothing in the deepening darkness. His heart raced as he began to build up the courage for this one last desperate act. The sheer emptiness of the blackness below frightened him to the point he closed his eyes to block it out. Gradually he started to sway, each time leaning a bit farther out over the edge. Soon he would have the courage to release his grip. Soon the pain would finally be gone.
'Ikari, the darkness inside you grows and soon it will extinguish the last bit of light, the last bit of hope which still resides in you. If that happens, then you truly will have killed them all.'
What was it about those words that seemed to cut to his very core? If the darkness wins, you will kill them all. Kill them all. Kill. The darkness. The darkness will kill them all. Darkness, the absence of light. Light. Hope. The absence of hope will kill them all.
Slowly he opened his eyes and gazed down. Darkness...the void. Sickness. He felt sick at the thought of allowing himself to be drawn into that abyss.
The voice in Shinji Ikari that drove him to this point, at this time, fought to regain control. The end of the pain was so close, so near. Just take one last step for me.
Yet, another voice stirred within him. A voice that was as unfamiliar to him as the other was well known. Something in this new participant gave him pause. The words it spoke were uplifting, their message shining through Shinji's cluttered mind as he sat back down, away from the edge.
"Thank you."
"Huh?" Shinji turned and looked around for the source of the voice.
"Thank you,"
"F...for what?" he replied, still scanning the area.
"For not surrendering to the darkness."
Shinji finally recognized the voice. "I may still jump, I...I just don't know yet, Rei." He stood to emphasize his point.
"The fact that you were able to stare into the darkness and stop proves that your light is still burning."
"My light?"
"Yes, Ikari, the light within your heart." Rei slowly materialized in front of him, floating a few feet out from the edge. "Filled with your truth. Still it burns. Filled with your hope and love defeating the darkness that surrounds it."
"What's there to live for?" he replied sardonically as he steadied himself against a burst of wind.
"Living for yourself is not enough?"
He simply shook his head as lightning flashed behind Rei, yet she did not flinch as Shinji observed the rain fall directly through her, unimpeded on its journey to the ground. "I don't want to be alone. I can't live if I'm alone."
"You are not alone."
"I AM alone," he cried as he then bowed his head, his voice dropping to a whisper, "Now that she's better she doesn't need me...she's going to leave me."
"Assumptions, you simply assumed without asking."
"Why would she stay, she hates me, she told me herself."
"Words spoken in haste or anger cannot be taken as fact."
Shinji suddenly found himself back at the hotel suite, looking at himself and Asuka arguing as they did shortly before. Shinji cringed as he listened to himself berate the poor girl. "Is this really me?"
He turned to Rei, who was standing beside him, "Yes."
Shinji continued to listen before addressing her again, "Why did I do this?"
"Emotions are a powerful force," she said with a smile, "unfortunately when they are released unchecked they may cause pain."
Shinji nodded in agreement, "I think I understand."
Rei simply returned his nod.
"But still...after all the terrible things I've done to her."
Rei stared blankly back at him, her eyes unmoving.
He cleared his throat. "Well, I...I let her die," his voice trailing.
Looking up he yearned for some response, but the pale skinned girl would only return gaze.
"I was too afraid to try and save her."
"Still you choose to view the past with lying eyes. Search your heart, search your soul for the truth."
Shinji closed his eyes and concentrated as an image began to appear. He found himself inside the Eva hanger, standing on the upper walkway, watching the elevator indicator descending as he heard its approach. Over the intercom he could hear Maya's voice describing the action above on the Geofront. The elevator doors opened revealing Shinji Ikari, the Shinji of 4 days prior. Shinji stumbled out of the elevator, still clutching the cross Misato had given him just before as he stepped over to the railing and observed Unit 01 completely encased in bakelite. With a sigh, he slumped down and sat against the wall as Asuka's voice could be clearly heard over the loudspeaker, calling for him. Sobbing, the boy in the image dropped his head down below his knees and curled into a tight ball, trying to block out the repeated pleas for help.
"If this is the truth, then I there was no way I could get into Unit 01," Shinji screamed over the wind as the rain continued to pelt him.
"The images are of the truth."
"Then why is my memory different, why would I change the facts if it really wasn't my fault?"
"Did the truth hurt?"
Shinji paused for a moment. Remembering the image of himself curled into a ball listening to the battle above, he nodded his head in agreement.
"You do not like pain. In yourself or others."
"No."
"Why would you accept the pain of guilt then?"
"I...I guess if I can take away others pain, then...maybe I won't hurt so much."
"Is that working?"
"Huh?"
"Have you helped others by taking away their pain?"
Shinji thinks for a moment. "No," he resigns, "when Asuka was hurt after the fight with the Fifteenth Angel, I decided it was my fault for not helping her. The reality is my father wouldn't let me go. Still, I chose to accept responsibility because of my guilt, but it didn't help her pain, it probably made it worse."
Rei nodded knowingly. "Correct."
"I understand now Rei, I'm not proud but I think I understand."
"Ikari, what has happened in the past can never be undone, but as long as you learn from your mistakes, you will avoid them in the future."
Shinji nodded his head in agreement. "I recognize that now, and I will try harder in the future to do better." As he finished, his face dropped and he turned away from Rei.
"Ikari?"
"Thanks for your help, Rei. You've helped me realize my mistakes and I will strive to do better." His voice was beginning to break by the time he finished.
"Then why...?"
Shinji faced her again, looking quite upset. "Well you saw how I treated Asuka." He turned again and began walking away from Rei, towards the far end of the bridge. "No, I've learned these lessons too late to make a difference."
"So you still reject the truth?"
Shinji stopped and spun around on his heal. "No, I accept the truth, some of my actions were stupid, most of them in fact." He took a deep breath before continuing, "But the truth right now is that Asuka hates me. Nothing is going to change that fact." Rei's lowered her head as the boy scolded her, but he still persisted. "No one else is coming back. I am going to be alone. And I'm not really looking forward to it." Shinji turned and again began walking away.
"Assumptions." Shinji continued walking without acknowledging her. "Do you think you understand her?"
"Yes!" he replied while still walking.
"Assumptions."
Shinji suddenly found himself in Misato's apartment. Turning around he sees Asuka approaching.
"You don't understand anything! Stay away from me!" Asuka screamed into his face.
"I do understand," Shinji replied, his hand twitching.
"No you don't, you IDIOT!" Asuka kicked him before she continued, "You really think you understand me!? You think that you can help me? That is so ARROGANT! You couldn't possibly understand me!!"
Shinji shouted back at her, "How can I understand... If you don't say anything? You don't say anything... You don't talk to me...How can I understand you? It's IMPOSSIBLE!!"
Shinji is again standing back on the bridge. "Ikari, did you try to understand?"
Shinji replied indignantly, "I tried...she won't open up to me."
"Did you really try?" Rei continued her gaze into his eyes.
Shinji reviewed everything he could remember of his encounters with Asuka. Had he really tried to reach her, he thought, or had he simply given up at the slightest hint of resistance? Based on his recent grasp of the truth and his previously distorted view of it, he slowly reached his conclusion. "No...I guess I didn't really try." The meaning of those words seemed to cause him great pain as was evidenced in his face. "I don't think I know how."
"Assumptions."
He looked over at Rei with a look of complete bewilderment. "What?"
"You have always known how to understand her and the others. You have just chosen to ignore that fact and just assumed they were unreachable."
Shinji again paused to contemplate the point she was trying to make. He finally stammered out an answer, "Talk to her...?
"Have you?"
He seemed to be expecting this reply from Rei, as he jumped all over the answer, "Every time I try to talk to her, she just shuts me out, she ignores me, she makes fun of me, she hates me for even trying."
"You refuse to lower the barriers around your own heart. Why should she open her heart to you when yours is completely obscured from view?"
"What?...You mean..." He started while walking back to Rei.
"Yes," she replied cutting him short.
Shinji waited until he was face to face with Rei before continuing, "I didn't open up, but every time I do it causes me pain, Rei. Whenever I open my heart, someone causes me pain, and I can't take it...not anymore."
"How would you recognize happiness if you never experience pain?"
"Where is the happiness?" came his agitated response. "That's an ideal belief, I have experienced plenty of pain but I have yet to experience the happiness you promise." As much as he wanted to grab the girl, he remembered the incident in the hotel lobby and just imitated the motion.
Rei continued in a calm voice, "You fight to avoid the pain, thus you also fight to avoid the happiness. Once you accept one, only then will you accept the other."
Shinji carefully reviewed her words as he turned and placed his elbows against the railing and stared out at the night sky. For the first time he realized that the rain had stopped and the sky was rapidly clearing. He could actually make out the river below in the increasing moonlight.
"I understand now, I think." He stared for another moment at the river below, before turning to face her. "Thank you."
"Although you made the choice to live with the pain of AT fields, it became obvious to us that you were still not ready for the consequences of that choice."
"Yes, I suppose your right..."
"And now?"
"I know it won't be easy, but I'll keep trying. I will find a way to be happy and go on living, even if she doesn't want me."
"So you have enough now?" Shinji nods. "That's good for you." He stared at her as he attempted to remember why that choice of words seemed so...familiar.
"I didn't ask for this," he commented after again looking out at the river below.
"Ask for what?" came the curious reply.
"Well, all of this. Third Impact, the power to choose the human race's fate, this world."
"Third Impact was inevitable. As for the power to choose mankind's fate, you were the best choice."
Shinji turned to face her again. "I never asked to be mankind's judge, jury, and...executioner." He faced cringed as he spoke the final word, visions of school uniforms and deserted buildings running through his head.
Rei smiled, "And savior." Shinji could not help but feel lifted upon seeing one of her rare smiles and he returned it. "Ikari, you must believe that you have made the correct choice. Keep faith and hope in yourself, they have always been inside of you, let them grow."
"I'll try, I will, but tell me, will they return?"
"Even I do not know. There is still much sadness and emptiness. They are still without hope, each soul trying to find the will to live, trying to find the truth within their hearts."
"I see," he replied with a slight nod. Shinji turned toward the hotel and began running away, "Goodbye!" he yelled back to her.
Rei watched him as he ran toward the end of the bridge, "Keep the light of hope and love burning, young Ikari...they are watching you."
Stopping just before stepping off the bridge, Shinji turned around but found that the girl had disappeared. "Thank you, Rei " he whispered as he started running again.
---------
Asuka finally found sleep as she sprawled out on the couch in front of the fire. The suite was in a state of disarray. She had directed her anger and frustration upon its contents. The couch was the only object remaining intact in the entire room as pillows, books, and chairs lay tossed about. The physical exertion paled in comparison to the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. She tossed and turned as she dreamed about the confrontation with Shinji. She really only wanted to help him, she thought, but he refused her again and again. Ok, so maybe she had handled it the wrong way, she supposed, but still, he must have realized that at least she was trying. It wasn't like she was some expert on the stuff, she was new to the whole caring thing.
"It certainly is frustrating, is it not?"
Asuka jumped up with a start. "W...who said that?" She peered around the room and could see no one. "S...Shinji is that you?" she whispered, hoping that he would answer.
"No, unfortunately he is presently indisposed. You have not answered my question yet."
"Who the hell are you?" Asuka used anger to disguise her fear. She balled her hands up into tight fists, preparing to defend herself.
"Ah, that's right, we haven't been introduced. My name is Nagisa, Kaworu Nagisa, Miss Sohryu and I am very pleased to finally meet you."
Kaworu, Kaworu, where had she heard that name before, she tried to remember but nothing came to her. "Well, Nagisa, how did you get in here," she continued looking around the room, "and better yet, where in the hell are you?"
"Please, call me Kaworu, and I'm right here."
She turned toward the sound of his voice behind her and jumped back at seeing a boy, about her height, with light skin and piercing red eyes. If not for the voice, she might have assumed it was Rei in the dim light. "How did you get in here, and how do you know me?"
"How I got here is unimportant, I have been watching you for some time now." Kaworu paused and walked toward the balcony. "Let me clarify my earlier question...is it frustrating when sincere help is rejected?"
"Well of course it is," Asuka motioned to the upturned furniture in the room, still unsure why she was talking to the stranger.
"So now you know how he felt."
"Huh?"
Asuka suddenly felt light headed as all around her the room instantly exploded with a bright light. Squinting she attempted to still watch the boy, but soon even that was impossible. As quickly as it started, the light dimmed and Asuka slowly opened her eyes, waiting as they adjusted to the new light source. Glancing around Asuka gasped as she recognized that she stood in the streets of Tokyo-3, the old Tokyo-3 before Third Impact. In front of her she could see the massive shape of Unit 02 slowly descend into the Geofront below. As the robot slipped below the surface, she turned and saw two figures at the tunnel entrance. The one standing she immediately recognized as Shinji Ikari, and although the one sitting had her back to Asuka, she cringed as the truth about this moment struck. She was seeing the events that happened after her battle with the Fifteenth Angel.
"Hey, I'm glad your OK, Asuka." Shinji called out, trapped behind the quarantine barrier.
The girl in the red plugsuit sat with her head between her knees. "Who in the hell is OK, anyway. It couldn't get any worse. That little bitch rescued me, that little bitch rescued ME. Don't you know that I'd rather have died. I hate her...I hate you Shinji, I hate EVERYTHING!."
In an instant the boy's face dropped. When Asuka first noticed him standing there, he seemed so happy, as if he truly was concerned about her well being. But after hearing her words, the boy stood for another moment, his face locked into an expression of pure pain as if someone were tearing his heart from him, before turning and walking away, his head hung low. Asuka cringed as she watched him dejectedly walk away.
"Never had a chance...did he?"
Asuka turned to see Kaworu standing next to her. She simply lowered her hand and turned her gaze on the girl sitting in front of her, apparently sobbing. She observed her for a few moments before responding, "Well, things were tough at that moment. That Angel really messed me up...I was hurt."
"What better time to ask for or accept help?"
She turned to Kaworu with a look of fire in her eyes, she closed the gap between them shouting, "I don't need anyone's help! I didn't need Shinji's help, I sure as hell didn't need Wondergirl's help, and do you know what...I don't need yours." She crossed her arms on her chest and turned away.
Kaworu sighed heavily, "Yes, you didn't need help, did you Miss Sohryu?" He paused for a moment and continued, "and look where it got you."
Before Asuka could respond, she found herself staring at a young girl half submerged in a filthy bathtub in a rundown apartment. She immediately knew who the girl was, and although disgusted by the scene, she could not take her eyes off herself. Out of the corner of her vision she could see two members of Section 2 enter the room and call back that she had been found. In an instant a repressed memory resurfaced and she screamed, "Don't show me this, I don't want to remember!"
Kaworu shook his head, "you need to know...I am truly sorry."
Asuka gasped in horror as the two Section 2 men roughly pulled her out of the tub, taking little care as to where they placed their hands on her body. Asuka began to sob as she listened to the men describe various sexual acts they could perform on the lifeless body below them.
"Stop this...Kaworu, please" she meekly requested. Her response came in the form of his shaking head as she turned back to the scene being played out in front of them. The Section 2 men scanned every inch of her, her dignity stripped away much like her pride had been earlier. Asuka could only watch as the men finally decided to carry her out, again placing their hands all over her and not bothering to cover her, to the car below.
"Enough...I think you realize how dangerous your attitude can be." He looked over expecting a response but felt otherwise after seeing the pain and horror in her eyes. He groaned as he came to the realization that his mission was much harder then he thought initially, and it was still not completed. After giving her a moment to compose herself, he decided to press on, "So...do you understand the folly of your current attitude?"
Asuka took a deep breath as she fought to collect her thoughts. "I guess."
Kaworu shook his head, she was not going to make it easy on either of them. "Shall we try again? This time we can start during the battle with Arael!"
She winced at that thought. "I get it already, I really do. I need to get better at opening up and accepting help. Jeez, you don't need to cram it down my throat."
Kaworu eyed her suspiciously as he judged if her reply was sarcastic or simply poorly stated. He decided the latter and remarked, "My, my aren't you a little fireball. No wonder Shinji is so enamored with you."
She began to blush, "WHAT?"
Kaworu raised a hand to silence her and continued, "Back on the original topic." His tone turned very solemn, "make no jokes about the seriousness of your actions, if you do not learn to open your heart and accept the caring and help of others..."
Without warning, Asuka found herself inside Misato's apartment, standing in the kitchen looking at Shinji and a duplicate Asuka.
"I want to help you, and be with you forever," Shinji called to Asuka.
"Then don't do anything. Don't come near me anymore...because all you ever do is hurt me," she bellowed.
"Asuka, help me! You're the only one who can!" he pleads to her.
Kaworu speaks, "you wish to help him, yet you push him away, why?"
Asuka turns to face him as the action continues in front of them. "Because I don't need his help."
Kaworu frowns, "must we start over... " the look on her face provided his answer, "now tell me the true reason."
"I...I don't want to get hurt." She took a deep breath before continuing, "whenever someone gets close to me, I get hurt."
"You cannot experience happiness without pain."
"That's not true!" she replied.
Kaworu nodded his head as he questioned, "what gave you the greatest pleasure in life?"
Asuka's face became aglow as she replied, "That's easy, piloting Eva!"
"Ok," he paused as if hoping she might realize the direction this conversation was going, "what has caused you the greatest pain?"
She did not answer as quickly this time. She tried as hard as she could to find something, anything, other then the answer that immediately entered her mind. Reluctantly she responded, "piloting Eva."
In contrast to the pain Asuka was feeling, Kaworu was positively ecstatic, "Excellent, do you see the relationship now?"
"Yes," she resigned.
"Good, Miss Sohryu, we are almost done. Why do you push him away?"
Yet again Asuka paused as she tried to sort through the ideas swirling in her head. In the beginning of her time with Kaworu, she had not wanted to face the truth and fought to repress her answers to his questions. Now her problem was that she really did want to find the correct answer, not as much for him, but for herself. " I...I'm afraid of him."
"How can you be afraid of him?" As if on cue, the Asuka in the kitchen pushed Shinji to the ground, spilling the coffee on the floor.
"I...I don't know."
"Yes you do Asuka," Kaworu called as he began to get quite animated.
The truth was in her heart, and they both knew it. She sighed as it finally reached the surface. "B...because he is just like me."
"Very good, Asuka."
"I was yelling at him, but all I could see was me. I was staying all these things to myself." The image of Shinji on the floor changes to Asuka, "that is the way it should have been. Instead I chose to take out my frustrations on Shinji because he was a convenient excuse." Asuka began to look despondent.
"What?"
"Can't you see, this means it is all my fault. If I had acted differently, he...he might have made a different choice. It's all my fault." Asuka collapsed to the floor while her image chokes itself in the background as she sobbed uncontrollably.
Kaworu shook his head and offered his hand to her. "No, it's not your fault. Shinji still acted on his own accord. You are correct, however, if you had helped him when he called, circumstances might have changed."
Asuka continued sobbing and pushed his hand away without making eye contact. "I'm scum."
He formed a slight smile at her choice of words before continuing, "No you are not." He waited for her to compose herself. "You are a confused young woman who was thrust into an impossible situation and handled it, right or wrong, the only way she knew how. No one can ever hold that against you, so you should not hold it against yourself." She listened to his words and began to calm down, her sobs ceasing. "History lesson over, Miss Sohryu, the rest of your life will be the test."
She could feel herself shaking and a voice began to resonate in her head, getting louder each moment.
"Asuka...Asuka...ASUKA!"
She slowly opened her eyes and observed a pair of very concerned deep blue eyes staring back at her. "S...Shinji, is that you?" He simply smiled and nodded while releasing her shoulders from his grip. "Oh," she cried pulling him down into her arms and into a tight embrace. "I thought you weren't coming back."
They both lay like this for a few moments, both enjoying each other's presence after the night they had just experienced. Asuka finally decided to speak, "I'm sorry, I should have never..."
Shinji picked his head up and cut her short. "No!" Asuka looked up at him in bewilderment. "No, don't ever apologize for doing the right thing." He sighed as he continued, "I was wrong, I should apologize to you for putting you in that situation."
As they both reflected on other's actions and words, it suddenly dawned on each of them that Shinji was still lying on top of Asuka. Their mutual blush rivaled the burning embers of the fire. He jumped off of her and rolled onto the floor. "S...sorry about that," he stammered.
"Yah, well..." was the best she could muster.
Although neither of them admitted it, their faces revealed the truth as they suddenly felt empty at the loss of physical contact. Shinji moved over and sat with his back to the couch, staring at the far wall while Asuka remained prone on the couch, staring up at the ceiling.
Shinji cleared his throat. "Asuka?"
Asuka tensed a bit at the seriousness in his tone. "Shinji," she returned, expecting the worst.
He paused as he tried to summon the courage to speak. "I am sorry that I didn't help you fight the Eva Series."
The mere mention of the Eva Series cause Asuka to cringe, she did not want remember anything about that battle. "Shinji, I don't want to talk about that now! ...It hurts." She paused as emotions bubbled up within her; "You wouldn't come to help me..." Asuka sobbed as she found she could not contain her emotions anymore.
Shinji felt her pain, and bowed his head in disgust that he had forced her to this point. He wanted the pain to stop, and he prepared his standard, 'I'm sorry', but something within himself struggled to be heard. An inner voice called to him, and for the first time in Shinji Ikari's life, he listened to his heart.
"I couldn't get into Unit 01, the hanger was flooded with bakelite. I couldn't reach the entry plug." He took a deep breath as his inner voice spurred him on, "I wanted to help you so bad. I just couldn't." Asuka stopped sobbing and she could hear the pain in his voice, "Maya was screaming over the loudspeakers, and I could hear everything you said. I never felt so helpless. You were up there fighting, and I could do nothing but listen."
Asuka listened intently to his words. Inside she felt a great sense of relief upon hearing the truth behind Shinji's abandonment of her. "It must have been awful to have to listen, and not be able to do anything."
Shinji hesitated; this was not the response he had expected. "Asuka, I wished as hard as I could to be there, fighting beside you again." He took another deep breath, his inner voice quiet as it was no longer needed, "When Maya said you...were...were killed, I wanted to die myself. I let you down."
Hearing him sob, she unconsciously reached out and caressed his hair. "Don't cry, idiot." It was all she could do not to cry herself as she moved her hand down and began rubbing his neck. "Besides, you would have just been in the way, probably tripped me or something."
Shinji chuckled, "Thanks, Asuka."
"Thank you Shinji, for telling me the truth...but why did you wait so long?"
He scratched his head. "I wish I knew."
The both sat in silence and admired their work. Shinji was quite surprised that he was actually able to open up to her, and she responded. Asuka was in a state of near shock as she felt she had actually helped him, if even just a little. Small steps, they both thought, enough small steps and they may get somewhere.
"Asuka," Shinji called, breaking the silence. "Can I ask you a question?"
Her mind raced at all the possible queries he could have. "Sure," she replied not really paying attention.
"Now that you're better, when...are you going to leave?"
Asuka stopped rubbing his neck and sat up. Shinji cringed as he feared her answer. She's going to leave, he thought to himself, I just know it, she's already made up her mind. He hung his head down and awaited the devastating news. She stood up from the couch and walked over to the fire, placing a fresh log on the flames. She turned to him, "if you want me to go, then I'll leave tomorrow."
Shinji sighed, she would leave tomorrow, he lamented. He at least now knew she didn't want to stay, and he could move forward. With a frown he began fight back his disappointment as her words echoed in his mind, 'If you want me to go...' If I want her to go, he wondered, I don't want her to go. "I don't want you to go," he spoke, his voice reiterating his thoughts.
Asuka gazed at him in bewilderment. He had just asked her when she was leaving, after all he didn't want to be with her anymore, but then why is he telling her he doesn't want to go? Something was getting lost in the translation she supposed. "What, I don't want to leave, YOU want me to go."
Shinji cocked his head in bafflement.
In a different set of circumstances, their mutual confusion over a simple question would have been comical, however given the importance of the subject to the parties concerned, frustration was setting in. Luckily for Shinji, Asuka was well educated on dealing with frustrating situations. "Mein Gott in Himmel, why are you making this so difficult, stupid. Listen to me." She pointed to herself for clarification and spoke slowly with emphasis, "Do YOU," she pointed to the boy, "want ME," she again pointed to herself, "too LEAVE?" her fingers making a simulated walking motion towards the front door.
"No!" he said while shaking his head.
"Ok, then why are you asking when I'm leaving?"
"Because YOU want to leave." He turned away as he hung his head down.
'Because you want to leave' she thought, 'you want...', 'you...', ME!, she called out to herself, he actually thinks I want to leave. "Shinji, you idiot, where did you get the idea that I wanted to leave?"
"I don't...I just figured that you wanted to leave." He turned around to face her as he began to see the error of his logic.
"I don't want to leave, I like it here. Besides you need me to keep you out of trouble." She cracked a slight grin that Shinji returned with a beaming smile. "I thought YOU wanted me...to...leave," her voice dropped as she realized exactly how stupid the two of them had just acted. "Shinji, we must be the two dumbest people in the world." Asuka cringed as she tried to catch those last words based on her companion's feelings about the current state of the world population. "Oh, bad choice of words, I'm sorry!"
"No, Asuka, it's alright. Even though we're the only one's right now, I think even if everyone was here, we still would have been the dumbest." He smiled knowingly at her, causing her to blush. "We've both acted pretty stupid for the past few days."
"Past year, Shinji," she added with a grin. He nodded in agreement as she continued, "Ok, from now on, we need to talk about things and get the facts straight before jumping to conclusions and getting all worked up." Shinji stopped nodding and looked at her with a wry grin. "Ok, I may still get worked up, but you'll just have to deal with it!"
"You've got a deal!" he said, elated, and jumped up, standing next to her. "There is so much I wanted to talk to you about!" his excitement barely contained.
Asuka simply closed her eyes as Shinji ranted about all the subjects he wanted to discuss with her, none of which seemed all that appealing at the moment. Finally, she had enough, "Shinji, enough already!" She waited for him to stop and look at her before continuing, "listen, we have the rest of our lives to sort through our problems, it's not going to happen in one night."
Shinji grasped her point, "Yeah, I guess your right."
"Besides, there is a certain incident that happened just before Third Impact that we need to address, but to be honest, I don't have the strength to deal with it right now, it can wait."
Shinji turned away in humiliation as he immediately knew what she was describing. "I have no excuse..."
She cut him off before he could continue, "Shinji, I said not now!"
Glancing up, he could see the seriousness in her eyes, "I'm sorry."
She scowled at him, "What did you say!"
"Er...sorry?" he stammered.
"Stop saying that!" she roared.
"I guess its just a habit, sorry!"
Judging that the boy had suffered enough for now, Asuka smiled and attempted to lighten the atmosphere. "You're hopeless!" she yelled as she started to laugh.
Shinji hesitantly joined her laughter, relieved that her she seemed in a good mood again, although in the back of his mind he knew he had better come up with a good reason for his actions or the penalty would be quite severe.
Asuka looked out the window to see the dawn approaching, "well, I've got like no sleep tonight, so I'm going to turn in."
Shinji nodded, "You're right, it's been a long day and I'm beat." They both walked toward their mutual bedrooms.
"Well, good night" he whispered to her as they reached the bedroom doors.
"Good night" she replied. Neither of them made a move toward their room. Instead they stood staring at each other, each one not wanting to be the first to move and destroy the moment. They stayed like this for a solid minute, neither moving before Asuka finally broke the stalemate.
"Listen, my bed's really big, if you think you can be trusted to keep your paws off this magnificent body, I would feel better if I didn't have to sleep alone." She bowed her head to hide her blush.
Shinji's heart nearly leapt out of his chest, she had read his mind. The last thing he wanted after the past day was to be alone. "S...sure, I can be trusted." He also bowed his head to hide his blush.
"Ok," she laughed while running into her room and jumping onto the bed, "I got the window side!"
He only nodded as he slowly made his way into the room.
The sun was just beginning to rise as the two finally were prepared to sleep. "Asuka, thanks for letting me sleep in here, I didn't want to be alone," Shinji said while pulling the covers tightly over himself.
"No big deal," she responded as she also bundled up.
"Do you think these feelings will last? Can we learn to live together?" he questioned as he closed his eyes.
"If you asked me that question 2 days ago, I would have said never. But now, I like our chances."
Shinji smiled deeply after hearing her comments. His heart was pounding and he admitted to himself that this was the happiest moment of his life. He never felt as alive as he did at that moment, and yet he knew that these feelings could grow over time and he could experience even more pleasure. For the first time in his life, Shinji Ikari was no longer afraid of the future, and the uncertainty it brings.
Asuka was right, her bed was quite large and they were able to keep a good distance between one another. Neither seemed to mind, they both had become so much closer in the past day, that the remaining distance was insignificant.
For the first time that either of them could remember, they both slept without nightmares. No images of the past haunting them, no hidden demons to torture their slumber, no tossing and turning to fight battles they never could win. No, this night the two slept and dreamed; dreamed of the future, something they had both feared but now welcomed with open arms, their dreams full of hope and promise.
From a distant vantage point in the heavens, a single presence looks back at the Earth and Moon. She gazes longingly, as she has been for quite a while now, waiting for something to ease her fears. Suddenly a dim light flickers on the surface and she focuses on it intently. Much to her delight, the light does not diminish, but rather it seems to grow and begins to shine brightly, soon rivaling any star. The eyes of Unit 01 glow for just a moment as it takes in the view of Earth, before it again goes dim and its pilot resumes her journey.
Authors Notes:
Points to clarify, Shinji stopped himself from jumping, not Rei. He still had enough doubts about whether or not to jump that he at least stopped to think it over. No, Asuka was not molested, per se, by Section 2. But her dignity was severely damaged by the fact that they did degrade her by their comments and perhaps "copping a feel" as they pulled her out of the tub. I case Kaworu didn't make it clear, it is not Asuka's fault that Shinji asked to have everyone die during 3rd Impact. She was merely part of the equation, a big part, but the decision was still his... thanks again to 20eva and Random1377 for the prereading and a huge thank you to Rhine, for devoting a lot of his valuable time to help this struggling fic writer out, all of you guys are the best and way more then I deserve. Any comments or questions, send me an email at nergalfanfic @yahoo.com.