Nergal Fan Fiction LLC
A division of Nergal Heavy Industries proudly presents:
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: RENAISSANCE
Chapter Six (True) "WHEN THEY'VE GIVEN YOU THEIR ALL, SOME STAGGER AND FALL"
by Ryoma
Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have been used without permission. All characters contained in this work are copyright GAINAX, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision and Manga Entertainment.
"Hey Shinji, what are you doing over there?" Asuka called to the image moving about in the distance.
"Oh, nothing important," came the faint reply.
"Well hurry up, I'm getting lonely over here." Asuka sighed while sitting down on the cold, white sand next to their bag of supplies. Reaching in she pulled out a Yebisu beer and cracked it open.
Sure, she had agreed to accompany Shinji on his little excursion, but she knew that a little help would be required once they got here. The beer was strictly for medicinal purposes, she told herself as she aimlessly pushed her toes around in the sand.
After taking a good gulp, she turned to watch her companion though he was too far away in the dusk light for her to make out what he was doing in his makeshift graveyard.
Asuka had spent a couple of moments over there went they first arrived, saying some nice things to Misato before she moved on down to the beach, leaving Shinji alone. She took another sip of beer as her own unpleasant memories of graveside visits replayed in her mind.
The setting sun threw her shadow towards the ocean, as a warm breeze brushed past. It truly was a gorgeous night, the sole exception the stone monsters that sullied her vision. How typical that the works of man defile natures beauty.
Unconsciously she shuttered as the agony returned, the stone beasts again tearing at her flesh, at her very entrails. Her conscious mind battled these phantom pains, trying to convince herself that they were not real. However, the memory was too vivid, too deeply burned to simply brush aside. Her only victory the fact she didn't scream out.
Quickly downing the last of her beer, she threw the empty can in the direction of the stone giant.
"Litterbug!" Shinji called out from behind her, causing her to jump.
"Yeah...well, I still have some issues with those...things," she proclaimed while turning to face him.
He continued forward, dropping a bundle of wood at his feet. "I'll get a fire going so we can eat."
"You know...we could just walk through the night, I bet we'd be back in Gora by daybreak." Asuka glanced quickly back at the stone image and then to Shinji, "or sooner."
Something inside her knew that she would have no problem walking through the night as long as it was away from this place. Glancing over and observing the look on Shinji's face, she would be staying the night.
"Ok, then at least tell me why exactly we came back here? I mean what's the point of walking all this way just so you can say goodbye again?" Asuka's voice began to trail off as she noticed 3 large pieces of wood in the pile. They looked familiar, just like Shinji's grave markers.
"Hey!" she exclaimed, completely ignoring the fact that her previous question had not been answered, "aren't those..."
"Yes," he replied nonchalantly while prepping the wood for the fire.
A confused look appeared on Asuka's face as she turned to Shinji. "Then why in the hell did we walk all this way?"
Shinji expected this question ever since she agreed to go with him on the trip. Although glad she came, he knew she would never understand his reasons. Taking a deep breath he spoke, "It's hard to explain, but I just thought it was wrong to keep them standing."
Asuka's bewildered look encouraged him to elaborate further.
"It's like this. I know they're not dead. Not just the people these things symbolized," he said while pointing down at the woodpile, "but everybody."
Shinji stood up and moved closer to her, "I can feel it now, growing each day. They're not dead, just lost and confused. They want to come back. They need a sign. A reason to return."
He reached out and grabbed Asuka's hands, his deep blue eyes gazing into hers, "having those standing was sending the wrong message. I want them to know I still believe... I still have hope."
Asuka pulled away and started to clap, "that's a very nice speech Shinji."
Shinji dropped his head. "You don't need to make fun of me you know."
"I wasn't making fun of you, honest." Asuka replied as she stopped clapping. Soon a large smile appeared on her face. "Sometimes I wish I had as much hope as you do."
Shinji nodded his head. "It wasn't easy, but if the two of us can...then I guess I believe that others will too." He returned her smile as the two peered into each other's eyes.
She couldn't help but feel lifted by his words. He seemed so sure that others would come back; she was starting to actually believe it herself. Glancing down she noticed Misato's cross hanging from his neck before slowly returning her gaze to his eyes.
She stepped back away from him. "I guess your right, but..."
"But what?"
"But...we could have had this conversation floating in the pool back at the hotel," Asuka mumbled as she turned away.
"What?" Shinji replied, though he heard every word.
"Oh, nothing."
"Besides," he started again, "don't you want to get out and enjoy the great outdoors, you know become one with nature?" For the first time, Shinji seemed keenly aware of the fact it truly was a magnificent evening.
Asuka turned on her heels and faced him. "NO!" she huffed.
She stood there for a moment before a wry grin appeared on her face, "but the fact that you will be my slave, waiting on me hand and foot for the next week will make up for one night's inconvenience."
Shinji's face dropped. "I don't remember agreeing to that," he protested as he silently wondered how that would differ from his usual routine.
"Really?" Asuka replied while grabbing her chin, "I'm sure I told you before we left...oh well, I guess it really doesn't matter now."
"Doesn't matter?" he groaned, realizing he had lost. She simply stared at him, her sky blue eyes melting him.
"Fine, one week anything you want," Shinji lamented.
"Hey, don't make it sound so gloomy." She stared right into his eyes, the slightest smirk apparent on her face. "You might just enjoy some of the things I'm going to make you do!" she said while adding a wink for good measure.
Shinji's heart did a flip as he could feel himself start to blush. He would have waited on her anyway. He would do anything for her. He was never happier then the times they were together, and since their mutual reconciliation three days prior, they were growing closer each day.
The two former pilots spent hours during that time talking about their problems. Shinji was as surprised as her that they really were two sides of the same coin. A great deal of progress had been made in a week, and although there was still more work to be done, he secretly wished that the week would turn into two, then into a month, the months into years. She did seem to be happy to be with him. He had found the path to his happiness. But finding the path turned out to be the easy part. Moving down that path was proving to be impossible.
What were the feelings that kept pushing him back, eating him alive from the inside out?
"Well," Asuka started, breaking the stare and his thoughts, "I'll start the fire and you handle the cooking."
"Huh, O...Okay," Shinji nodded and smiled.
---------
Life could be good.
Shinji pondered this phrase as he lay sprawled out on the blanket gazing up at the stars.
Since the skies were clear, they had decided to not use the tent and just sleep outside on the beach. Actually Asuka had originally insisted on using the tent, mentioning something about bugs and her hair, but she relented when Shinji carefully pointed out that they could leave that much earlier if they didn't have to take it down in the morning.
He gazed over at his companion who was sleeping a couple of feet away. She looked so peaceful, a drastic change from her sleeping habits when they first met. He couldn't help but feel warm inside as he knew that she had finally subdued her inner demons.
Shinji smiled as he reflected on the past few days and how they opened his eyes and his heart. He was growing closer to Asuka and for the first time in his life, actually felt hope for the future. No longer trapped in the darkened corridor through which he trudged his entire life, now he stood in a field of dreams, infinite possibilities in every direction.
Another thought rose to the surface.
"So, why do I feel so guilty?" Shinji wondered aloud. "What can I do to end this pain?"
This unfortunately was not a new feeling, this feeling had been growing steadily. Around Asuka he was able to fight it, to maintain a happy façade, even as the pain racked his very essence. The happier and more hopeful he became, the stronger his feelings of guilt and frustration grew. This torrent of emotions slowly eroding his spirit away, soon nothing would be left but a hollow shell. He sat up and looked to the sky, quickly scanning around until he stopped on his intended target.
The band of red that he so feared was still there, his latest attempt at restitution a failure.
"What? Am I not trying hard enough? What do you want from me?" He slowly released his gaze, choosing to stare at the sand below his feet. "What can I do to end this torture?"
Shinji stood silently and walked to the water's edge. The moonlight shone off the LCL drenched sea, casting off a maroon glow to everything around him. He looked down at the sand as his foot idly traced small figures in it. At first they were just scribbles, but eventually the word ASUKA appeared.
As if on cue, a large wave broke and washed it away.
Shinji again aimlessly drew in the sand, his mind racing, trying to resolve its internal struggle. He continued with this course of action for some time, attempting to reconcile the two opposing feelings within himself.
Guilt.
Happiness.
The past.
The future.
Despair.
Hope.
Suddenly he stopped and slowly looked straight ahead. He strengthened his chin and set his eyes. The internal conflict of his emotions temporarily ended.
"Rei?"
"Yes, Ikari."
As he turned to face her, Shinji flinched the surprise of her sudden appearance frightening him. It was almost as if she expected him to call on her. He pressed on, however.
"Rei, what can I do?" His eyes never blinked or diverted from her gaze.
"What's the matter Shinji? You seem to have things going so well here."
Shinji turned to face the voice that just spoke behind him. His jaw dropped as he saw Kaworu Nagisa standing in front of him. "Kaworu?" The young boy simply nodded. "I'm so glad your here." Shinji reached out to hug him, but passed right through.
"Sorry Shinji, " Kaworu laughed. After a moment of embarrassment Shinji joined him.
"Well, it's good to SEE you again."
"You too," Kaworu replied as he floated over next to Rei. They exchanged a mutual smile before turning back to face Shinji.
Rei spoke first. "What do you wish?"
"I want to help them come back and end this guilt before it kills me."
"Shinji, people must chose to come back of their own free will, you cannot make them come back," Kaworu replied. "You cannot force them to return if they don't wish it."
Shinji nodded his head as he listened to Kaworu. "But I think right now they are blinded by fear and loneliness."
Kaworu simply nodded as Shinji continued.
"They don't attempt to discover the truth within their hearts because they have no hope, they can see no reason to return. They will not exercise their free will until someone gives them a reason to try."
"What do you wish?" Rei repeated.
"Could you to send me back...with them?" Shinji said as he pointed to the red band circling the night sky. "I want to show them that there's enough hope in this world for everyone that wants it. If I can find a reason to live, there's no reason they can't."
Shinji paused as he tried to remember something that he heard during Third Impact. "Images, you said that images would change the hearts of others. Can I be that image..."
Kaworu cut Shinji short, "even if you can not return?"
Shinji hung his head and turned away down as Rei spoke. "You may lose yourself in your own words or the words of others and be unable to return."
"I only want to help." Shinji questioned.
"Shinji," Kaworu began, "if you return, neither I nor Rei can help you. The lost souls are so desperate and lonely that once they sense your presence, they will flock to you like moths to a flame. Because of this, you may loose your identity and be unable to return."
Shinji spun around to face them, his face revealing his fear he was experiencing. Not returning was a possibility Shinji had not considered. "W...why would they attack me? Don't they realize I'm trying to help?"
Kaworu smiled as he responded. "No, quite the opposite. They are going to gather around your presence because you are showing them something they haven't felt in a long time, hope. It will be like a beacon that lights the void...do you understand now?"
"But why wouldn't I return?"
Rei's face formed a slight frown as she slowly dropped her head and gazed at the water below. "They will take your hope and love, and leave you their despair."
"Like when I sync with the Eva, I can feel its pain although we are separate."
"Correct." Rei raised her head to look him in the eyes before continuing.
"This fear and loneliness will become part of you. Destroying your hope. Obscuring the truth within your heart. Without this truth, you will lose your identity and be unable to return to human form."
Shinji turned and walked over to the slumbering Second Child. The labored steps through the deep sand passed quickly, his desire to close the distance between them causing him to quicken his gait. Noticing the light from the fire dance across her face, Shinji felt embarrassed for staring at Asuka's beauty. He desired nothing more than to put his arms around her, to feel her touch, if only for a moment.
Closing his eyes, he contemplated what Kaworu and Rei just explained to him.
"You may do nothing."
Shinji slowly opened his eyes and immediately noticed Rei standing next to him.
"How? The guilt is becoming unbearable."
"The stronger souls will find the strength to return."
"I understand that, but I need to give everyone the same chance. My mistake put them in this situation. I accept that. If I don't make amends, the weight of their deaths will ultimately kill me."
"Will you go?"
"Her..." he started while pointing down at the sleeping girl. "She is the path to my happiness, I know that now. I feel good when I'm with her, I don't want to leave her..."
"Will you stay?"
Shinji thought for a moment, the enormity of his decision weighing heavily on him. Finally he spoke.
"I can't be truly happy unless I rid myself of this guilt. It will slowly kill me if I don't end it now...if I die then she will be left alone. I will not allow that to happen." Shinji paused as another thought entered his mind.
"Rei, what will happen to her if I can't come back?"
He could just make out a smile on her face. " She will never be alone."
"Thank you."
"Your choice?"
Shinji balled his hands into fists, "yes, I will go...not just for myself but for her."
Rei nodded in approval.
"To risk everything you hold dear to help those you love. Your mother also made this decision a long time ago."
Shinji's eyes flew and his mouth dropped upon hearing her words, but he was unable to speak. He simply smiled and nodded in approval.
He took a moment to reflect before he knelt down as he brushed the hair away from Asuka's face.
Realizing that he could look at her beauty for the rest of the night, he reluctantly broke the trance and bent down, placing a small kiss on her forehead.
"Please try to understand why I must do this. I wish there was another way...but I have to. It will be better for you if I go...it will be better for everyone. Don't worry, as long as I know you are here for me, I know I'll return."
He removed Misato's cross and placed it in her hand as he whispered something into her ear and stood, wiping a small tear from his face as he walked back to the pair floating just above the waves.
"What happens now?"
Rei and Kaworu looked at each other and smiled as they took each other's hand and offered the other to Shinji. He returned them a bewildered look, but a nod from Rei convinced him to reach out to grasp their hands.
Shinji was quite surprised to find them both solid to the touch.
"I'm scared."
"Ikari, you have nothing to fear." Rei and Kaworu smiled knowingly at him.
At her confident words he returned the smile. He could feel the warmth of their power. He felt his tension easing as he closed his eyes and prepared to proceed.
---------
Asuka awoke with a snap. She didn't know why, but something inside of her willed her awake. She turned to the side and noticed Shinji's empty blanket. Feeling something in her hand, she looked down to find Misato's cross.
Her heart began to race as she clutched the cross, trying to calm herself by taking a deep breath. Slowly she sat up and looked around searching for her companion. As her eyes began to adjust to the early morning light, she could make out three figures standing just off the shore.
"S...Shinji?"
As she finished calling him, a light suddenly generated from within the trinity.
"Shinji!" she bellowed out again, holding her arm up to block the light, which became brighter by the moment.
Asuka started to work her way down towards its source, all the while screaming, "SHINJI!!"
Finally the intensity of the energy making it impossible for her to proceed any farther, she reluctantly dropped to her knees.
"Shinji," she called out, her voice breaking, "please don't leave me..."
Asuka began to cry as she felt wave upon wave of intense energy surge through her. "Please...no," she whimpered, collapsing on the cold sand.
As suddenly as it appeared, the light along with the three figures vanished.
Asuka struggled to her feet and staggered down to the water's edge. Wading out into the crimson breakers, she scanned the shoreline for any sign of the Third Child. Frantically running up and down in the surf, she searched, stopping and calling his name every few seconds.
Suddenly she felt something brush against her leg.
Quickly jabbing her arm into the foamy surf, she felt around until she grabbed the object. Pulling it out of the water, her heart dropped as Shinji's shirt lay draped over her hand.
Slowly she made her way out of the surf and silently began walking back to the camp. She didn't make it more than ten paces out of the surf before she collapsed to her knees, her body convulsing with each sob. She slowly brought her hands up to her face as the tears began to flow...
"Why?"
Asuka sat on the beach, still clutching his shirt and Misato's cross. Slowly she pulled her knees up to her head, slowly rocking back and forth with each sob.
Had she the strength to pick her head up, the most magnificent sight the world had ever seen awaited her. High above the sobbing girl the morning sky bristled with activity.
First one, then a second and third. Gaining momentum, within moments millions of indigo crosses suddenly appeared, redefining the crimson ring that circled the Earth. They lit up in rapid succession, quickly circling the globe in a frenzied pace. After a long pause, silently one by one they started to cautiously descend towards the Earth below.
Asuka, however, was far too despondent to enjoy the heavenly fireworks. She simply sat, her head hung low, slowly rocking herself as she sobbed softly.
To preoccupied with crying, she didn't notice as figure emerged from the surf and slowly walked towards her. Asuka jumped as she suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Asuka?" the figure called out.
Asuka slowly raised her head and started blinking furiously in an attempt to correct her teardrop impaired vision. As it started to clear, she could finally make out the person's smiling face.
"M...Misato, is that you?"
"Yes, it's me...are you alright?" the purple haired woman replied as she hugged Asuka tightly. Asuka could only shake her head as she began sobbing once again.
"Asuka, what happened, how did I end up here?" Misato loosen her grip in an attempt to look her in the face.
"Please, tell me what happened."
"It's S...Shinji," she replied in between sobs, "he's gone!"
Misato raised her head, scanning the shoreline. Her heart started to race as she made out something bobbing up and down in the waves.
"Asuka look!" she yelled.
The Second Child slowly looked up in the direction Misato was staring. Furiously wiping away her tears, she could see groups of people emerging from the breakers, joining the growing crowd on the beach. Grabbing Misato's hand and pulling on her Asuka started towards the shore.
"Come on, we have to go find Shinji!"
Misato sunk to her knees in exhaustion.
"Give me a minute, I'm wiped out." The physical toll of regaining one's AT field finally hitting her. "Just let me rest a little and then we'll go look for him."
Asuka looked down at her guardian with a frown. "Well...hurry up, I have to find that jerk and make him pay for scaring me like this."
She took one long glance at the growing crowd and satisfied that she couldn't immediately see anyone who looked like Shinji, she sighed and sat down next to the now reclined Misato.
"So, can you tell me what the hell just happened? Last thing I remember is pushing Shinji into the elevator after I was..."
Misato sat up with a flash and pulled open the front of her shirt. Not satisfied with her initial inspection, she reached around inside her shirt, before she noticed a bewildered look on Asuka's face. "Oh sorry, it's just that...I could have sworn I was shot."
"You were, Shinji told me it was bad," Asuka replied apathetically.
Misato turned white as a ghost, "you mean?"
"Yeah, you died." Asuka stood and again scanned the beach.
Misato was becoming quite unnerved by her casual attitude. She reached out and grabbed Asuka's arm. "I...Is this heaven?"
Asuka glanced down and smiled, "Heaven? I don't think so." She continued surveying the various groups forming up and down the beach. "Dammit, where the hell is he?"
He's probably hiding, she thought to herself, afraid that she'd yell at him for leaving.
Her ongoing search was broken when the older woman pulled on the arm she was still holding, dragging Asuka to the ground.
"Misato, hey," she protested as she sat up.
Asuka struggled to stand but found herself held down by a pair of hands on her shoulders.
Misato was trembling as she started. "Asuka, if I died and this isn't Heaven?" She began shaking the girl as her line of questioning continued, "then what in the hell is going on?"
"T...T...Third...I...I...Impact," Asuka stammered out in between shakes.
Misato stopped shaking her while releasing her grip as she lowered her head. "So, we failed."
Asuka simply nodded her head in agreement.
"But if we failed then where are we?"
Asuka reached over and grasped Misato's chin, picking her head up to look her in the eye. "It's okay, we're still in Tokyo-3. Shinji rejected everything."
Misato looked perplexed. "Shinji?"
Asuka smiled at Misato's disbelief. She felt the same feelings earlier when Shinji recounted the story to her a few days prior.
"Well, as Shinji explained it to me, Rei decided to give the choice of deciding the future of mankind to him. Apparently Rei was some type of Angel, the original Angel Lillith, and she allowed him to make the choice."
Misato nodded as the images of the cloned Rei's replayed in her mind.
Asuka continued, "and to make a long story short, the idiot eventually got it right and here we are."
Misato took a moment to absorb Asuka's words before she decided to speak.
"Well, it's hard to believe but stranger things have happened," although at the time she couldn't think of one. She glanced over so see Asuka smiling back at her.
"But tell me one thing, you make it sound like you and Shinji have been back for a while?"
"We've been back for a week. To be honest I had pretty much given up on anyone else coming back."
"Wait a minute, you and Shinji were the only two people on the planet for the past week?"
Asuka nodded, "as far as we could tell, it was just us."
"And you didn't kill him?"
How ironic, Asuka thought as she recounted her initial memory from Third Impact and exactly who tried to kill who.
"No, Shinji and I have...we have patched up our relationship."
Misato could not help but catch her blush.
"We are getting along much better now."
Misato smiled. "That's great, about the two of you I mean." Asuka blushed more upon seeing Misato's smile.
"So, where did he go? What happened to him?"
Asuka's smile was short lived, her mind replaying the last images of her fellow pilot. A frown formed as she informed Misato of the image of Shinji, Kaworu and Rei floating over the sea just prior to the return of Misato and the others. While telling the story, Asuka silently admonished herself for not noticing the connection before.
"Misato, what do you remember, I mean what happened to suddenly bring you back?"
Misato turned away and gazed out over the water, watching intently as the rising sun shimmered off the waves. She concentrated, trying to recall exactly what had transpired between her final memories of the battle for NERV and her arrival at the beach.
"Well, it's all strange, like a dream." She turned back and faced the redhead.
"I can remember bits and pieces, but nothing really substantial."
"So you don't remember anything?"
"No, I mean nothing that I can put my finger on..." Misato's voice trailed off as it seemed she was focusing in on something.
"What do you mean?" Asuka pleaded.
Misato paused as she attempted to put her thoughts to words. "It's strange but I can't remember images or sounds...but I can remember feelings."
"Feelings?"
"I can't really explain it but I can definitely remember feeling lonely and depressed for a long time, and then..." Misato suddenly turned pale as her jaw dropped, her hand reaching up to cover it.
Seeing her reaction, Asuka immediately grabbed Misato's arms and began shaking her. "Then what...then what? Dammit, Misato what happened up there!"
"S...Shinji. I felt his presence."
"What do you mean, felt his presence?" Asuka lamented while shaking her head from side to side as she continued, "how do you even know it was Shinji?"
The Major took a deep breath. "I just...know it was Shinji. I couldn't see him or hear him but I know it was him."
Misato smiled much to Asuka's surprise. "When I felt him, I suddenly no longer felt alone, I no longer felt sorry for myself. The next thing I knew I was walking out of the water and saw you crying on the beach."
Asuka turned away and walked a few steps up the beach. She paused for a moment, glanced up at the sky and then turned back toward Misato.
"So, he really did go back...that idiot." Her eyes started to water as she stumbled over into Misato's arms.
"That idiot went and tried to save the world again." Her tears were flowing quite freely now as she sobbed. "Am I so worthless he couldn't stand to be with me?"
Misato tighten her embrace. She could sense the girls' pain. This girl was different from the girl who had once, hesitantly acknowledged that Misato knew her darkest secrets. A girl whose secrets had only led to more pain and a complete collapse of the mind. This Asuka, even in the throes of such grief, seemed stronger. Something had changed her
A slight smile formed on her face as she decided someday to find out exactly what her two charges had experienced during the past week that would cause them to become so close. Her smile faded; however, as she decided those questions were for another time. Her first priority was to calm Asuka, and then find Shinji Ikari.
Misato released her embrace and pushed Asuka out in front of her. Asuka simply hung her head down and continued to sob.
"Asuka," Misato whispered. The redhead continued to stare at the ground as she whimpered.
"Asuka," Misato called out again, her voice a bit more forceful.
The Eva pilot seemed to respond as her sobbing slowed. Taking this cue, Misato grasped her by the chin, forcing the Second Child to look at her. "Listen, Shinji WILL be back, and when he does do you want him to see you looking like this?"
Asuka shook her head. "No."
"I didn't think so. Now pull yourself together and we'll go find him."
Asuka felt invigorated by the Major's confidence, "you're right...let's go find that jerk so I can yell at him for making me get all upset. And if the dork even starts with, 'I'm sorry' I swear I'll..."
Misato smiled as the new Asuka slipped back into her old mode of conflict resolution. It felt comforting to know that at least some things didn't change.
Misato and Asuka stood and gazed out over the beach. By this time there were several good-sized crowds forming in both directions up and down the shoreline. After Unit 00 self-destructed, the majority of the civilian population moved away. Still between the NERV staff and the portion of the civilians who remained behind, Tokyo-3 had a considerable populace. Judging by the growing numbers on the beach, a good percentage of them chose to return.
"Listen, I have an idea. Judging by the terrain, this area here is the only way on or off this beach."
Asuka scanned the surrounding dunes and rubble. The Major was correct. They were standing on the only passable section off the beach.
Misato continued, "as I figure it, we don't have to go looking for him, he's going to have to come to us."
The proposal to just sit and wait did not really appeal to the fiery German. It didn't seem right to basically do nothing while her Shinji was out amongst the crowds. She could only imagine how lost he must be without her, probably crying or something because she wasn't there for him. But, given the amount of people and the distance to cover, even she had to agree it was the best plan.
Reluctantly she sat down as Misato moved to the other side of natural walkway to ensure that no one would be missed.
Asuka's mind began to race as she could see the first groups of people approaching. She tried to formulate a plan of what to do and say to Shinji when she finally saw him again. Would she yell at him, or would she run up and hug him?
Asuka smiled as she imagined the looks on both his and Misato's faces if she ran up and kissed him. So many choices, she reflected, but which would be the best?
Asuka was so deep in thought that she failed to notice the first two people approach.
"A...Asuka, is that you?"
Hearing her name called broke her trance. "Yes," she replied as she glanced up to see the smiling face of Makoto Hyuga. "Oh, sorry I didn't see you. Welcome back, Hyuga."
Asuka silently cursed herself for never bothering to learn his first name. "Who's that?"
Makoto stepped a bit to the side, revealing a very shaken Maya Ibuki. "We thought it looked like you up here," he started as Maya tried to hide behind him again.
Misato finally noticed the pair stopped in front of Asuka. "Hyuga, is that you?" she called out as she started walking over to them.
Makoto flinched, the color leaving his face as he caught sight of Misato's smiling face. Asuka threw him a confused look as he took a cautious step back from Misato's approach.
"L...Lt. Hyuga reporting."
Misato smiled and brushed her hand at Makoto. "Oh cut that crap out, NERV is finished so you can call me Misato from now on."
He cleared his now dry throat. "Y...yes Major, I mean yes...Misato." The words seemed foreign to him as he struggled on, "Ma...Misato, what happened?"
"It's a long story, even I'm not sure about the details..."
As she moved closer, Misato caught sight of Maya, who desperately tried to conceal herself behind Makoto. For his part, Makoto seemed content to remain at arms length from the Major.
"Hey, Maya what's the matter?" Misato stepped past Makoto and grabbed Maya. "It's alright Maya, it's all over now."
Maya practically collapsed into Misato's arms, the pain and feelings of loss during the past few weeks finally catching up with her. The young woman trembled and shook uncontrollably.
"I...I'm sorry," she whimpered as she pulled herself tightly into Misato's embrace. "I want to be strong, but..."
"That's ok, let it all out." Misato started rubbing her back, "the last few days have been tough on all of us. There's nothing wrong with crying."
"Hey, Hyuga."
Makoto watched Maya and Misato as if hypnotized.
"Hello, Hyuga are you in there?"
Makoto finally turned around to the source of the voice. "Sorry Asuka, I was...distracted."
Asuka looked at him with a sly smirk before she continued, "you didn't see Shinji down there, did you?"
"No, I don't think so, but Maya was so shaken that we spent most of the time avoiding everyone down there."
Asuka glanced over his shoulder as another group of people approached. She stared directly at them, moving from one to another, searching for a familiar face but finding none.
Suddenly they each seemed to turn at the same time to face her. Later Asuka would realize these people all seemed to know her, even though she had never met them before. She sensed some type of connection to her as they all smiled and turned as they continued on their way, off the beach and back to their former lives. She observed them walk away for a moment before returning to her conversation.
"Oh well, thanks anyway...um, Hyuga," Asuka hung her head just a bit in embarrassment, "what's your first name?"
Makoto's face lit up as he replied, "Makoto."
"Well thanks, Makoto."
"Your welcome, and Asuka don't worry we'll find him." He couldn't help but notice that again she was looking past him, down at the bustling shoreline.
This time Makoto decided to turn around and see what had diverted her attention. Looking out, he could make out the approaching figures of at least ten men, all dressed identically in black and moving up the beach towards them. His face instantly froze in fear as he called out, "Major Katsuragi, you better take a look at this!"
Misato had calmed Maya down to the point that she was engaged in a conversation about the Children's return when she heard the call.
"Makoto, I thought I told..." her voice stopped short as she also caught sight of the approaching party.
"Asuka, stay up there. Lt. Hyuga, you take care of the Second Child."
Makoto stood at attention and nodded.
"Come on Maya, let's move out of the way so these people can pass." Misato slowly edged toward the side of the natural pathway, attempting to give the JSSDF troops a wide berth.
Unfortunately, for Misato, the sudden decision to move caused Maya to instinctively search for the source of the problem. A fleeting look was all it took for her painful memories to resurface.
Maya instantly fell into Misato's arms, unable to stand as the fear paralyzed her and the tears started spilling on Misato's shirt.
The former Operations Director of NERV had a dilemma on her hands. Her military training was screaming at her to drop the helpless young woman and prepare to fight, while her compassionate side pleaded to comfort the poor girl and deal with the troops if and when she had to.
Much to her surprise, Misato's compassionate side finally won, but not before her military training was able to bark out one last order to Makoto.
"If anything happens, you get Asuka out of here and don't look back."
Makoto nodded as Misato turned back towards the oncoming group. She clenched the shaking Maya tight as her eyes locked on the first person in the approaching line.
Misato's glare bore down on the advancing troops, never staying on one soldier for more than a moment as she spread her evident disgust evenly amongst them. As they strode past, none were able to look the violet haired woman in the face, instead choosing to hang their heads and accept the judgement passed upon them by the NERV personnel. They quickly moved past, Misato's glare and the painful wails of a certain young lieutenant adequately providing them with incentive.
"It's all over, they're gone now, " Misato whispered into Maya's ear after she watched the last of the troops move away.
"Well, I'm sure glad that's over with, Major," Makoto said as he moved up next to Misato. They were both staring at the departing troops, ensuring to themselves that in fact it was over.
"I know they were only following orders, but it still doesn't make it right."
Misato pondered what Makoto said for a moment before responding.
"Perhaps it's time to move on and bury the past..."
---------
The last remnants of the sun slowly slid behind the western hills as Misato surveyed their little camp. Around the blazing fire various members of the NERV command crew were sitting while chatting about various things, mostly trying to understand what happened.
Makoto and Shigeru Aoba discussed the encounter with the JSSDF earlier in the day, Misato noting the look of indifference on Shigeru's face as Makoto again described his role in averting the potential confrontation. She smiled as her memory recalled a different set of events, much less dramatic and with a much smaller role for Makoto than the version he depicted.
She continued around the fire, stopping next on Maya, who was staring intently into the flames. After the initial group of troops had left, Maya regained her composure and in fact as the day wore on she found herself aiding Misato in glaring at any JSSDF troops who passed by. Misato also remembered how Maya seemed almost as intent on finding Ritsuko Akagi as Asuka did in finding Shinji.
The Major cast a lonely tear, realizing that her friend wasn't coming back. Ritsuko gave up on living at the end, a fact that Misato recalled all too well. However she wasn't about to dash Maya's hopes either, so all through the day Misato kept encouraging the young woman to keep up hope.
Next to Maya were a handful of NERV Section 4 personnel that Misato could only remember by appearance. They were laughing and joking about, a far cry from the last time Misato saw them lying dead in the hallways of NERV.
Her eye next caught a figure, sitting all alone and staring blankly at the ground, deep in thought.
Subcommander Futyuski was one of the last to return and although outwardly he seemed fine, Misato instantly sensed that he was hiding something about his knowledge of Third Impact. His words and actions betrayed a sense of remorse and regret, she thought, and against her better judgement she offered him the leadership role in their little group. He politely refused as he explained that the entire NERV experience had soured him on a lot of things, not the least of which was leadership.
Returning to her own thoughts, Misato recalled the other NERV personnel she had seen during the day. Most had just walked by, not bothering to stop. They no longer wished to have anything to do with the agency that while charged with saving the world, ultimately almost destroyed it.
Misato couldn't blame them for walking away, in fact a part of her wished that she could simply leave and start a new life herself. She, like Futyuski, felt extremely empty after her NERV experience. It cost her the only man she ever truly loved. Wasted much of her youth. All for an ultimately futile attempt to avenge her fathers' death.
Reflecting back on the past year, she smiled recalling memories of her Children and the few good times they spent together. As the images flooded into her mind, she started to cry realizing that one member of her family was still missing. Misato wanted to breakdown as memories of Shinji raced through her mind.
What a poor guardian she really was. If he returned, she would do better. If he returned, she repeated to herself, the thought that she would never she him again began to overwhelm her. All of the things she wanted to say to him would never be spoken, forever trapped in her thoughts. Misato grit her teeth as she fought back those feelings of remorse.
She needed to be strong, for her.
Misato's thoughts unconsciously caused her to gaze over at a lone form sitting on a dune high above the beach, her outline perfectly silhouetted by the moon.
No, Misato decided, the only person who could be upset over Shinji was Asuka. She earned that right over the course of the past week. For every word that Misato wanted to tell him, Asuka had a hundred more. The pain she felt at not being able to tell him was miniscule in comparison to the pain Asuka must be feeling.
With a sigh, Misato moved up the dune and silently sat down next to the girl.
"Asuka, why don't you come down and sit by the fire, it's starting to get cold." Asuka's only reply was to continue to stare out at the shimmering ocean. In the dim light provided by the moon, Misato couldn't see that her eyes were swollen from crying. She couldn't see the dried tears spent in wait, or the slight movement in Asuka's lips as she continued her silent chorus of prayer.
She didn't need to.
Asuka moved up on the dune after the initial groups of people passed by. For the first few hours it seemed like wave upon wave of people were emerging from the sea and she walked throughout the exiting crowds, making sure no one passed without her inspection.
However, since sunset, fewer and fewer people emerged from the surf and by now no one had passed by in hours.
Whatever optimism Misato felt for Shinji's return eroded as the hours passed by. She tried to keep up the hopeful facade, if only for the girl. Asuka was all that Misato had left in the world.
"He'll be back, " Misato whispered, "he's just taking his time about it." Again Asuka simply continued to gaze out at the breakers, her eyes almost pleading for his return.
Misato slowly stood and turned away. Asuka was unreachable, she thought to herself as she started to make her way down the dune towards the fire and the others. She started thinking about how she failed her Children again when she suddenly she stopped.
A new feeling entered her mind, the same feeling she felt earlier when she held Maya. As the feeling grew she quickly turned and ran back to the girl, sitting down next to her and pulling her into a tight embrace.
Asuka began to sob as Misato held her tight, gently offering the girl words of encouragement. Misato started to cry as finally her maternal instincts overwhelmed her years of military training and obsession with revenge.
They stayed like that for hours, neither one wanting to destroy the fragile relationship that they desperately wished for...
---------
"Here, have something to eat," Misato spoke as she held a chocolate bar in front of Asuka. Although Shinji and Asuka only planned to be gone for two days, he packed extra food 'just in case'.
"No thanks, I'm not hungry."
"Come on Asuka, I know you haven't eaten anything since I came back. Please eat something...for me." Misato waved the bar just in front of Asuka's face for emphasis. Noticing that her initial approach wasn't working, Misato switched to another method. Changing her voice to one a mother would use with a little baby, she started again.
"Come on, it's really good, you know you want it." She danced the chocolate bar in front of Asuka's face as if it were alive.
Asuka smiled slightly and took the candy out of Misato's hand.
"You sound like an idiot, you do know that."
Misato simply returned her smile.
"Let me guess, you found that beer that I brought."
Misato turned away and blushed.
"That's what I thought," Asuka commented after noticing the blush.
Misato turned back to face her. "Oh, its not like that, besides, " she spoke while breaking into a huge smile, "four beers may be enough to get YOU drunk, but not me."
"Where is everybody?" Asuka mumbled over the chocolate pieces in her mouth.
"Well, I sent Shigeru and Maya off to try to reach Tokyo-2..."
Asuka cut her off mid sentence, "Tokyo-2, it's going to take them a week to walk there."
"That's true, if they walk...I purposely picked Shigeru because, well..." Misato began to look down at the sand as she pushed it around with her feet, "he has this way with cars that he can sort of start them without the keys."
"Oh, I see..." Asuka replied with a wry smile on her face.
Misato let out a pained chuckle, "Yeah, well...but what people did before they joined NERV is none of my business."
Asuka looked at Misato with the same smile as the Major continued. "Hopefully they will be back as early as tomorrow and they'll bring good news. I send Makoto and the guys from Section 4 off to Gora to grab some more supplies and food since it looks like we are going to be here for at least a couple of more days. Once Shigeru and Maya return we'll decide our next move."
Asuka paused for a moment before she spoke, "No."
Misato turned toward the redhead, a perplexed look on her face, "No, what do you mean no?"
"No, I'm not leaving." Asuka's appearance had changed from the earlier relaxed look to one of stern determination. "I will not leave Shinji. I'm going to stay right here until that jerk comes back to me."
"Oh Asuka, I understand you wanting to remain hopeful and all, but at some point you have to face reality. After the few stragglers this morning, no one has come back since."
Misato reached out and pulled Asuka into a tight embrace.
"Listen, I want him back as much as you do, but there may come a time when we have to accept that he isn't coming back."
Asuka pushed herself away from the woman and stood up, glaring down at a stunned Misato.
"You can give up, " she motioned over to the campsite on the beach although no one was there, "they can give up, the whole god damn world can give up but I will never, I repeat NEVER, give up. He didn't give up on all of you...hell I would have written the rest of the world off long ago except he wouldn't let me do it. He had more hope and faith in his damn pinky than all of you combined!"
Asuka took a deep breath and turned away, resuming her vigilant watch over the sea.
After a few minutes of stunned silence on Misato's part, Asuka calmed down and started again.
"Please Misato," she whispered, "please understand that if I leave this beach and give up, then he'll never come back." Asuka's voice began to break, "I'd rather stay here and die than go on living knowing that I failed him."
She ran down the dune and onto the beach leaving Misato alone.
"Shinji if you can hear me, please come back to us...come back to her."
---------
Awake for nearly two days, sleep came to Asuka relatively easy. She wouldn't agree to even lie down until Misato promised she would remain awake and assume her vigil. As she nodded off, Asuka's last image was of Misato sitting next to her, gazing out over the ocean as the sun set behind them.
That night he came to her in a dream.
"Asuka, can you here me?"
"Shinji, Shinji is that you?" Asuka hesitantly called out, still unsure of what was happening.
"Yes, it's me," the voice returned.
"I'm so glad to finally talk to you. "
Asuka peered around in the darkness, searching for the source of his voice. "But where exactly are you?"
"I'm everywhere...and nowhere. I am in your dream."
Asuka frantically twisted and turned trying to find him. She noticed that this world had no light, no up or down, it was as if she was suspended, yet nothing held her.
"Where are you, I need to see you again!" she cried.
"Wait a minute." Slowly Shinji's image materialized in front of her.
"There, how's that?" he said with a smile although his voice sounded labored.
She returned his smile, "much better. You sound like you're in pain...are you alright?" The stress in his voice had been evident.
"I...it's taking everything I have left to make this image for you...I don't have much time." Shinji groaned, his image seemed to dim and then brighten again.
Her smile now gone, Asuka's face portrayed a look of concern as she spoke. "Oh Shinji, stop if it's too hard, I don't need to see you that bad...you can just talk to me, that will be enough."
"No, I'll be okay, " he replied and then paused for a moment, his face dropping to a frown, "besides, this will probably be the last time we'll be able to see one another again...even if it's only in a dream."
Asuka's jaw dropped as she shivered in fear.
"What do you mean, the last time? Come on Shinji you have to fight, you have to come back...I need you!" Asuka took a moment to catch her breath, bringing her trembling hand to her mouth in anticipation of the tears.
"I can't go on without you, " she whispered as the tears began to flow in earnest. She dropped her head and continued to sob.
She felt his hand reach up and caress her cheek, lifting her head so he could look her in the eyes.
"Please don't cry, I hate to see you in pain, " Shinji winced as he grew a bit dimmer. "I need to talk to you before I go."
Asuka fought back any new tears as she wiped the old ones from her face, if her Shinji did not want to see her cry, then she damn well wasn't going to disappoint him. Within a moment she had composed herself to the degree that she reluctantly pressed on.
"Shinji, tell me why...why won't you come back?"
"I've tried, you have to believe me," he started, then paused as his head dropped. "But it's just too hard. All I can feel is their loneliness and fear."
Asuka listened to his words and began shaking her head, "but you're here, right here in front of me...if you keep trying you can make it back!"
Shinji picked up his head and smiled as he listened to her pleas.
"You never knew when to quit, did you?"
He took a deep breath before continuing. "For you I will keep trying...I'll never stop as long as your memory exists here," he said as he pointed to his heart. "But you must understand it has taken everything I had left inside of me just to come to you, for this brief moment in your dream."
Upon hearing these words, she abandoned her promise and started to cry again as he continued, "I think that soon I the truth in my heart will be completely obscured. I will be lost forever."
"No, don't say things like that, don't give up...the Invincible Shinji never loses!" she screamed, the pain of the words evident in her expression.
Shinji grimaced in pain as his image faded a bit more. "Asuka, please don't cry...I don't want my last memory of you to be like this."
Asuka tried her best to remain composed but she found herself losing the battle as she sobbed quietly.
He edged over to her and carefully placed his arm over her shoulder and pulled her tightly against him. His presence seemed to give her the strength to ask the question that had haunted her for the past two days.
"Why Shinji?"
The question was not unexpected on his part. He knew she would ask it and he also knew his answer. He prayed she would understand his reasons.
"I just couldn't allow anyone to suffer if there was something I could do about it. Like the time when I jumped into Mount Asama to save you or when I returned to NERV to battle the Fourteenth." He paused for a moment to catch his breath. "I can't allow the people I care about to be hurt if there is something I can do about it."
"But you didn't have to do this for me. I wasn't in pain because we were alone. I told you I wanted you to be all mine. It would have been just fine if it were only the two of us."
Shinji smiled, although she was still hunched over and couldn't see it.
"I know, but if I didn't try, the guilt would have destroyed me. The darkness returning."
"I still don't understand, I thought you wanted to be with me forever...am I so worthless to you that you chose them over me?"
He continued to hold her, watching her convulse with each sob, her head hung low and her hair covering her face. It genuinely pained him to see her like this and for a moment he regretted entering her dream and causing this much hurt.
He strengthened his resolve however, as he remembered the reasons he needed to speak to her this one last time.
"You are not worthless. I never chose them over you. Whether it was my image of you, or actually you, some part of you in Third Impact helped me make the correct choice. You saved me from myself. It was you who kept me going, gave me a reason to hope. You are as much a part of saving the world as me, if not more. I had to complete the circle, otherwise this would have been for nothing."
Shinji winced in pain as his image faded yet again, by now he was barely visible.
Noticing him flinch, Asuka slowly picked her head up and turned to face him. "Please, Shinji, it can't end this way."
Shinji carefully pushed the hair out of her face and smiled, trying to ease her pain.
"I still have so much I want to say...please don't have any regrets. Nothing you did made me choose this path. I made this choice. I knew that I might not be able to return. I wish I could to spend more time with you...but it appears destiny won't allow it. I will always cherish the memories of us, the good and the bad, for as long as I live."
"Please don't remember the bad memories Shinji, I...I was so stupid back then, always teasing you, pushing you away. Burying my true feelings. Please don't dredge up those memories again...you won't want to come back to me."
"Asuka, even the bad memories make me happy because I was with you." Shinji took another deep breath, summoning the courage to finish his task.
"Listen Asuka, I need you to promise me that you will move on. Forget all about this and live a long and happy life."
The girl shook her head violently back and forth, attempting to block his words. "Stop talking like that, it's like you're giving up...don't give up on me!"
Shinji clenched his fists and pressed on, determined to deliver his message. "Someday you will find someone, settle down and have a family...you'll make a great mother, even if you don't believe it."
"Stop this Shinji...this is NOT happening...no, everything is going to work out and you're going to come back to me...Don't you understand, I don't want anybody else, I want you!"
Shinji seemed to smile, although by now his image was but an outline so it was hard to tell.
"Stubborn to the bitter end... Third Impact was meant as a wake up call to all of us. Show us what is important in life. Give mankind another chance at paradise. Don't let this gift go unused and wasted, find something in your life to give it a purpose and find your happiness."
The remaining image of Shinji disappeared in front of the girl's eyes, but his final words echoed throughout the void.
"I am sorry that my leaving caused you so much pain. You were never second in my thoughts or deeds. Never. But always remember why I did this and that...I love you."
"No, Shinji!" she screamed before dropping her head in obvious grief.
"Please don't leave me," she whimpered.
"He is gone now."
Asuka looked up to see images of Rei and Kaworu standing in front of her.
"He is beyond the reach of even your dreams, " Kaworu continued as Rei simply stared at the redhead, her face emotionless as her companion spoke.
"He is back in the world of lost souls, the world without AT fields."
Rei finally decided to speak, "Ikari is unable to return, he the truth within his heart is hidden due to his interaction with the others. He has no hope left by which to find that truth."
Asuka swore that she saw a frown appear on Rei's face as she finished. "What will happen to him?"
"He will continue to exist. Alone, memories his only companion...until they fade into nothingness," Rei replied.
As painful as Rei's description was, Asuka still pressed on, her question not answered, "and what will happen to him once his memories have faded?"
This time Asuka was sure she could see both of them frown before Kaworu answered.
"Once his memories have left him, the being known as Shinji Ikari will cease to exist."
"He will die?"
"No, a human soul is eternal, it can never die. When a soul has decided to release itself from the memories of it's past existence, it will move on to the Hall of Gauf with the others until it is needed again on Earth."
"So Shinji can come back that way, right?"
"Yes and no, the new life will possess the qualities and traits of Shinji Ikari because those are part of the soul, but without the memories and life experiences of him, it will not be Shinji Ikari, he will be gone forever."
Kaworu's words cut through Asuka's heart like a knife, her agony evident in her facial expression.
After taking a moment to build her rage, Asuka finally lashed out at the duo.
"Why won't you do something to help him! What's wrong with the two of you! Don't you see, he gave everything to save these people and you're going to stand there and tell me he's gone forever!"
"Asuka, " Kaworu started, "you have to understand that there is nothing either of us can do, it's beyond even our abilities to return him. Rei and I cannot help him to return, we cannot provide the hope he requires to rediscover the truth within his heart."
Asuka's frustration became unmistakable as she spoke.
"As I see it, if he can't return on his own and your not going to help him, then how is he going get back here? Don't sit there and tell me there's nothing you can do. For God's sake don't you realize he's going to be alone in there. Desperately clinging to those few memories he has left in an effort to keep his identity. Don't you understand what a horrible fate that is! He doesn't deserve that, there has to be something you can do!"
"Ikari knew the risks before he ventured forth, he knew this possible outcome."
Rei hung her head as Kaworu spoke, "there truly is nothing that we can do, his fate is no longer in our hands."
The images of Rei and Kaworu slowly faded from sight as Asuka screamed.
"NO!"
To be continued...
Authors Notes:
Well, just a couple of loose ends to wrap up, mainly when are Shigeru and Maya coming back from Tokyo-2 and I will be finished with the fic.
One of my prereaders asked me how I could write such a dark fic, especially after I told him I didn't think it was dark. I'll say it again, this is NOT a darkfic. I mean come on I've saved millions of people, what difference should it make if ONE 15 year old kid doesn't return and ONE 15 year old girl is upset about it. I say 15 because I always figured the series lasted at least a year so they both should be 15. Anyway back to the point, I ask that you wait until the final chapter before judging whether this fic is dark or not; then you can kill me. Again, all the thanks in the world to my prereaders, Random1377, 20eva and Rhine. As much as I tried, there are a few paragraphs that are all Rhine, I just couldn't change them, they were too good. You can tell his stuff, it's the sections that seem out of place because they are so good.
A division of Nergal Heavy Industries proudly presents:
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION: RENAISSANCE
Chapter Six (True) "WHEN THEY'VE GIVEN YOU THEIR ALL, SOME STAGGER AND FALL"
by Ryoma
Disclaimer: Characters from Neon Genesis Evangelion have been used without permission. All characters contained in this work are copyright GAINAX, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision and Manga Entertainment.
"Hey Shinji, what are you doing over there?" Asuka called to the image moving about in the distance.
"Oh, nothing important," came the faint reply.
"Well hurry up, I'm getting lonely over here." Asuka sighed while sitting down on the cold, white sand next to their bag of supplies. Reaching in she pulled out a Yebisu beer and cracked it open.
Sure, she had agreed to accompany Shinji on his little excursion, but she knew that a little help would be required once they got here. The beer was strictly for medicinal purposes, she told herself as she aimlessly pushed her toes around in the sand.
After taking a good gulp, she turned to watch her companion though he was too far away in the dusk light for her to make out what he was doing in his makeshift graveyard.
Asuka had spent a couple of moments over there went they first arrived, saying some nice things to Misato before she moved on down to the beach, leaving Shinji alone. She took another sip of beer as her own unpleasant memories of graveside visits replayed in her mind.
The setting sun threw her shadow towards the ocean, as a warm breeze brushed past. It truly was a gorgeous night, the sole exception the stone monsters that sullied her vision. How typical that the works of man defile natures beauty.
Unconsciously she shuttered as the agony returned, the stone beasts again tearing at her flesh, at her very entrails. Her conscious mind battled these phantom pains, trying to convince herself that they were not real. However, the memory was too vivid, too deeply burned to simply brush aside. Her only victory the fact she didn't scream out.
Quickly downing the last of her beer, she threw the empty can in the direction of the stone giant.
"Litterbug!" Shinji called out from behind her, causing her to jump.
"Yeah...well, I still have some issues with those...things," she proclaimed while turning to face him.
He continued forward, dropping a bundle of wood at his feet. "I'll get a fire going so we can eat."
"You know...we could just walk through the night, I bet we'd be back in Gora by daybreak." Asuka glanced quickly back at the stone image and then to Shinji, "or sooner."
Something inside her knew that she would have no problem walking through the night as long as it was away from this place. Glancing over and observing the look on Shinji's face, she would be staying the night.
"Ok, then at least tell me why exactly we came back here? I mean what's the point of walking all this way just so you can say goodbye again?" Asuka's voice began to trail off as she noticed 3 large pieces of wood in the pile. They looked familiar, just like Shinji's grave markers.
"Hey!" she exclaimed, completely ignoring the fact that her previous question had not been answered, "aren't those..."
"Yes," he replied nonchalantly while prepping the wood for the fire.
A confused look appeared on Asuka's face as she turned to Shinji. "Then why in the hell did we walk all this way?"
Shinji expected this question ever since she agreed to go with him on the trip. Although glad she came, he knew she would never understand his reasons. Taking a deep breath he spoke, "It's hard to explain, but I just thought it was wrong to keep them standing."
Asuka's bewildered look encouraged him to elaborate further.
"It's like this. I know they're not dead. Not just the people these things symbolized," he said while pointing down at the woodpile, "but everybody."
Shinji stood up and moved closer to her, "I can feel it now, growing each day. They're not dead, just lost and confused. They want to come back. They need a sign. A reason to return."
He reached out and grabbed Asuka's hands, his deep blue eyes gazing into hers, "having those standing was sending the wrong message. I want them to know I still believe... I still have hope."
Asuka pulled away and started to clap, "that's a very nice speech Shinji."
Shinji dropped his head. "You don't need to make fun of me you know."
"I wasn't making fun of you, honest." Asuka replied as she stopped clapping. Soon a large smile appeared on her face. "Sometimes I wish I had as much hope as you do."
Shinji nodded his head. "It wasn't easy, but if the two of us can...then I guess I believe that others will too." He returned her smile as the two peered into each other's eyes.
She couldn't help but feel lifted by his words. He seemed so sure that others would come back; she was starting to actually believe it herself. Glancing down she noticed Misato's cross hanging from his neck before slowly returning her gaze to his eyes.
She stepped back away from him. "I guess your right, but..."
"But what?"
"But...we could have had this conversation floating in the pool back at the hotel," Asuka mumbled as she turned away.
"What?" Shinji replied, though he heard every word.
"Oh, nothing."
"Besides," he started again, "don't you want to get out and enjoy the great outdoors, you know become one with nature?" For the first time, Shinji seemed keenly aware of the fact it truly was a magnificent evening.
Asuka turned on her heels and faced him. "NO!" she huffed.
She stood there for a moment before a wry grin appeared on her face, "but the fact that you will be my slave, waiting on me hand and foot for the next week will make up for one night's inconvenience."
Shinji's face dropped. "I don't remember agreeing to that," he protested as he silently wondered how that would differ from his usual routine.
"Really?" Asuka replied while grabbing her chin, "I'm sure I told you before we left...oh well, I guess it really doesn't matter now."
"Doesn't matter?" he groaned, realizing he had lost. She simply stared at him, her sky blue eyes melting him.
"Fine, one week anything you want," Shinji lamented.
"Hey, don't make it sound so gloomy." She stared right into his eyes, the slightest smirk apparent on her face. "You might just enjoy some of the things I'm going to make you do!" she said while adding a wink for good measure.
Shinji's heart did a flip as he could feel himself start to blush. He would have waited on her anyway. He would do anything for her. He was never happier then the times they were together, and since their mutual reconciliation three days prior, they were growing closer each day.
The two former pilots spent hours during that time talking about their problems. Shinji was as surprised as her that they really were two sides of the same coin. A great deal of progress had been made in a week, and although there was still more work to be done, he secretly wished that the week would turn into two, then into a month, the months into years. She did seem to be happy to be with him. He had found the path to his happiness. But finding the path turned out to be the easy part. Moving down that path was proving to be impossible.
What were the feelings that kept pushing him back, eating him alive from the inside out?
"Well," Asuka started, breaking the stare and his thoughts, "I'll start the fire and you handle the cooking."
"Huh, O...Okay," Shinji nodded and smiled.
---------
Life could be good.
Shinji pondered this phrase as he lay sprawled out on the blanket gazing up at the stars.
Since the skies were clear, they had decided to not use the tent and just sleep outside on the beach. Actually Asuka had originally insisted on using the tent, mentioning something about bugs and her hair, but she relented when Shinji carefully pointed out that they could leave that much earlier if they didn't have to take it down in the morning.
He gazed over at his companion who was sleeping a couple of feet away. She looked so peaceful, a drastic change from her sleeping habits when they first met. He couldn't help but feel warm inside as he knew that she had finally subdued her inner demons.
Shinji smiled as he reflected on the past few days and how they opened his eyes and his heart. He was growing closer to Asuka and for the first time in his life, actually felt hope for the future. No longer trapped in the darkened corridor through which he trudged his entire life, now he stood in a field of dreams, infinite possibilities in every direction.
Another thought rose to the surface.
"So, why do I feel so guilty?" Shinji wondered aloud. "What can I do to end this pain?"
This unfortunately was not a new feeling, this feeling had been growing steadily. Around Asuka he was able to fight it, to maintain a happy façade, even as the pain racked his very essence. The happier and more hopeful he became, the stronger his feelings of guilt and frustration grew. This torrent of emotions slowly eroding his spirit away, soon nothing would be left but a hollow shell. He sat up and looked to the sky, quickly scanning around until he stopped on his intended target.
The band of red that he so feared was still there, his latest attempt at restitution a failure.
"What? Am I not trying hard enough? What do you want from me?" He slowly released his gaze, choosing to stare at the sand below his feet. "What can I do to end this torture?"
Shinji stood silently and walked to the water's edge. The moonlight shone off the LCL drenched sea, casting off a maroon glow to everything around him. He looked down at the sand as his foot idly traced small figures in it. At first they were just scribbles, but eventually the word ASUKA appeared.
As if on cue, a large wave broke and washed it away.
Shinji again aimlessly drew in the sand, his mind racing, trying to resolve its internal struggle. He continued with this course of action for some time, attempting to reconcile the two opposing feelings within himself.
Guilt.
Happiness.
The past.
The future.
Despair.
Hope.
Suddenly he stopped and slowly looked straight ahead. He strengthened his chin and set his eyes. The internal conflict of his emotions temporarily ended.
"Rei?"
"Yes, Ikari."
As he turned to face her, Shinji flinched the surprise of her sudden appearance frightening him. It was almost as if she expected him to call on her. He pressed on, however.
"Rei, what can I do?" His eyes never blinked or diverted from her gaze.
"What's the matter Shinji? You seem to have things going so well here."
Shinji turned to face the voice that just spoke behind him. His jaw dropped as he saw Kaworu Nagisa standing in front of him. "Kaworu?" The young boy simply nodded. "I'm so glad your here." Shinji reached out to hug him, but passed right through.
"Sorry Shinji, " Kaworu laughed. After a moment of embarrassment Shinji joined him.
"Well, it's good to SEE you again."
"You too," Kaworu replied as he floated over next to Rei. They exchanged a mutual smile before turning back to face Shinji.
Rei spoke first. "What do you wish?"
"I want to help them come back and end this guilt before it kills me."
"Shinji, people must chose to come back of their own free will, you cannot make them come back," Kaworu replied. "You cannot force them to return if they don't wish it."
Shinji nodded his head as he listened to Kaworu. "But I think right now they are blinded by fear and loneliness."
Kaworu simply nodded as Shinji continued.
"They don't attempt to discover the truth within their hearts because they have no hope, they can see no reason to return. They will not exercise their free will until someone gives them a reason to try."
"What do you wish?" Rei repeated.
"Could you to send me back...with them?" Shinji said as he pointed to the red band circling the night sky. "I want to show them that there's enough hope in this world for everyone that wants it. If I can find a reason to live, there's no reason they can't."
Shinji paused as he tried to remember something that he heard during Third Impact. "Images, you said that images would change the hearts of others. Can I be that image..."
Kaworu cut Shinji short, "even if you can not return?"
Shinji hung his head and turned away down as Rei spoke. "You may lose yourself in your own words or the words of others and be unable to return."
"I only want to help." Shinji questioned.
"Shinji," Kaworu began, "if you return, neither I nor Rei can help you. The lost souls are so desperate and lonely that once they sense your presence, they will flock to you like moths to a flame. Because of this, you may loose your identity and be unable to return."
Shinji spun around to face them, his face revealing his fear he was experiencing. Not returning was a possibility Shinji had not considered. "W...why would they attack me? Don't they realize I'm trying to help?"
Kaworu smiled as he responded. "No, quite the opposite. They are going to gather around your presence because you are showing them something they haven't felt in a long time, hope. It will be like a beacon that lights the void...do you understand now?"
"But why wouldn't I return?"
Rei's face formed a slight frown as she slowly dropped her head and gazed at the water below. "They will take your hope and love, and leave you their despair."
"Like when I sync with the Eva, I can feel its pain although we are separate."
"Correct." Rei raised her head to look him in the eyes before continuing.
"This fear and loneliness will become part of you. Destroying your hope. Obscuring the truth within your heart. Without this truth, you will lose your identity and be unable to return to human form."
Shinji turned and walked over to the slumbering Second Child. The labored steps through the deep sand passed quickly, his desire to close the distance between them causing him to quicken his gait. Noticing the light from the fire dance across her face, Shinji felt embarrassed for staring at Asuka's beauty. He desired nothing more than to put his arms around her, to feel her touch, if only for a moment.
Closing his eyes, he contemplated what Kaworu and Rei just explained to him.
"You may do nothing."
Shinji slowly opened his eyes and immediately noticed Rei standing next to him.
"How? The guilt is becoming unbearable."
"The stronger souls will find the strength to return."
"I understand that, but I need to give everyone the same chance. My mistake put them in this situation. I accept that. If I don't make amends, the weight of their deaths will ultimately kill me."
"Will you go?"
"Her..." he started while pointing down at the sleeping girl. "She is the path to my happiness, I know that now. I feel good when I'm with her, I don't want to leave her..."
"Will you stay?"
Shinji thought for a moment, the enormity of his decision weighing heavily on him. Finally he spoke.
"I can't be truly happy unless I rid myself of this guilt. It will slowly kill me if I don't end it now...if I die then she will be left alone. I will not allow that to happen." Shinji paused as another thought entered his mind.
"Rei, what will happen to her if I can't come back?"
He could just make out a smile on her face. " She will never be alone."
"Thank you."
"Your choice?"
Shinji balled his hands into fists, "yes, I will go...not just for myself but for her."
Rei nodded in approval.
"To risk everything you hold dear to help those you love. Your mother also made this decision a long time ago."
Shinji's eyes flew and his mouth dropped upon hearing her words, but he was unable to speak. He simply smiled and nodded in approval.
He took a moment to reflect before he knelt down as he brushed the hair away from Asuka's face.
Realizing that he could look at her beauty for the rest of the night, he reluctantly broke the trance and bent down, placing a small kiss on her forehead.
"Please try to understand why I must do this. I wish there was another way...but I have to. It will be better for you if I go...it will be better for everyone. Don't worry, as long as I know you are here for me, I know I'll return."
He removed Misato's cross and placed it in her hand as he whispered something into her ear and stood, wiping a small tear from his face as he walked back to the pair floating just above the waves.
"What happens now?"
Rei and Kaworu looked at each other and smiled as they took each other's hand and offered the other to Shinji. He returned them a bewildered look, but a nod from Rei convinced him to reach out to grasp their hands.
Shinji was quite surprised to find them both solid to the touch.
"I'm scared."
"Ikari, you have nothing to fear." Rei and Kaworu smiled knowingly at him.
At her confident words he returned the smile. He could feel the warmth of their power. He felt his tension easing as he closed his eyes and prepared to proceed.
---------
Asuka awoke with a snap. She didn't know why, but something inside of her willed her awake. She turned to the side and noticed Shinji's empty blanket. Feeling something in her hand, she looked down to find Misato's cross.
Her heart began to race as she clutched the cross, trying to calm herself by taking a deep breath. Slowly she sat up and looked around searching for her companion. As her eyes began to adjust to the early morning light, she could make out three figures standing just off the shore.
"S...Shinji?"
As she finished calling him, a light suddenly generated from within the trinity.
"Shinji!" she bellowed out again, holding her arm up to block the light, which became brighter by the moment.
Asuka started to work her way down towards its source, all the while screaming, "SHINJI!!"
Finally the intensity of the energy making it impossible for her to proceed any farther, she reluctantly dropped to her knees.
"Shinji," she called out, her voice breaking, "please don't leave me..."
Asuka began to cry as she felt wave upon wave of intense energy surge through her. "Please...no," she whimpered, collapsing on the cold sand.
As suddenly as it appeared, the light along with the three figures vanished.
Asuka struggled to her feet and staggered down to the water's edge. Wading out into the crimson breakers, she scanned the shoreline for any sign of the Third Child. Frantically running up and down in the surf, she searched, stopping and calling his name every few seconds.
Suddenly she felt something brush against her leg.
Quickly jabbing her arm into the foamy surf, she felt around until she grabbed the object. Pulling it out of the water, her heart dropped as Shinji's shirt lay draped over her hand.
Slowly she made her way out of the surf and silently began walking back to the camp. She didn't make it more than ten paces out of the surf before she collapsed to her knees, her body convulsing with each sob. She slowly brought her hands up to her face as the tears began to flow...
"Why?"
Asuka sat on the beach, still clutching his shirt and Misato's cross. Slowly she pulled her knees up to her head, slowly rocking back and forth with each sob.
Had she the strength to pick her head up, the most magnificent sight the world had ever seen awaited her. High above the sobbing girl the morning sky bristled with activity.
First one, then a second and third. Gaining momentum, within moments millions of indigo crosses suddenly appeared, redefining the crimson ring that circled the Earth. They lit up in rapid succession, quickly circling the globe in a frenzied pace. After a long pause, silently one by one they started to cautiously descend towards the Earth below.
Asuka, however, was far too despondent to enjoy the heavenly fireworks. She simply sat, her head hung low, slowly rocking herself as she sobbed softly.
To preoccupied with crying, she didn't notice as figure emerged from the surf and slowly walked towards her. Asuka jumped as she suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder.
"Asuka?" the figure called out.
Asuka slowly raised her head and started blinking furiously in an attempt to correct her teardrop impaired vision. As it started to clear, she could finally make out the person's smiling face.
"M...Misato, is that you?"
"Yes, it's me...are you alright?" the purple haired woman replied as she hugged Asuka tightly. Asuka could only shake her head as she began sobbing once again.
"Asuka, what happened, how did I end up here?" Misato loosen her grip in an attempt to look her in the face.
"Please, tell me what happened."
"It's S...Shinji," she replied in between sobs, "he's gone!"
Misato raised her head, scanning the shoreline. Her heart started to race as she made out something bobbing up and down in the waves.
"Asuka look!" she yelled.
The Second Child slowly looked up in the direction Misato was staring. Furiously wiping away her tears, she could see groups of people emerging from the breakers, joining the growing crowd on the beach. Grabbing Misato's hand and pulling on her Asuka started towards the shore.
"Come on, we have to go find Shinji!"
Misato sunk to her knees in exhaustion.
"Give me a minute, I'm wiped out." The physical toll of regaining one's AT field finally hitting her. "Just let me rest a little and then we'll go look for him."
Asuka looked down at her guardian with a frown. "Well...hurry up, I have to find that jerk and make him pay for scaring me like this."
She took one long glance at the growing crowd and satisfied that she couldn't immediately see anyone who looked like Shinji, she sighed and sat down next to the now reclined Misato.
"So, can you tell me what the hell just happened? Last thing I remember is pushing Shinji into the elevator after I was..."
Misato sat up with a flash and pulled open the front of her shirt. Not satisfied with her initial inspection, she reached around inside her shirt, before she noticed a bewildered look on Asuka's face. "Oh sorry, it's just that...I could have sworn I was shot."
"You were, Shinji told me it was bad," Asuka replied apathetically.
Misato turned white as a ghost, "you mean?"
"Yeah, you died." Asuka stood and again scanned the beach.
Misato was becoming quite unnerved by her casual attitude. She reached out and grabbed Asuka's arm. "I...Is this heaven?"
Asuka glanced down and smiled, "Heaven? I don't think so." She continued surveying the various groups forming up and down the beach. "Dammit, where the hell is he?"
He's probably hiding, she thought to herself, afraid that she'd yell at him for leaving.
Her ongoing search was broken when the older woman pulled on the arm she was still holding, dragging Asuka to the ground.
"Misato, hey," she protested as she sat up.
Asuka struggled to stand but found herself held down by a pair of hands on her shoulders.
Misato was trembling as she started. "Asuka, if I died and this isn't Heaven?" She began shaking the girl as her line of questioning continued, "then what in the hell is going on?"
"T...T...Third...I...I...Impact," Asuka stammered out in between shakes.
Misato stopped shaking her while releasing her grip as she lowered her head. "So, we failed."
Asuka simply nodded her head in agreement.
"But if we failed then where are we?"
Asuka reached over and grasped Misato's chin, picking her head up to look her in the eye. "It's okay, we're still in Tokyo-3. Shinji rejected everything."
Misato looked perplexed. "Shinji?"
Asuka smiled at Misato's disbelief. She felt the same feelings earlier when Shinji recounted the story to her a few days prior.
"Well, as Shinji explained it to me, Rei decided to give the choice of deciding the future of mankind to him. Apparently Rei was some type of Angel, the original Angel Lillith, and she allowed him to make the choice."
Misato nodded as the images of the cloned Rei's replayed in her mind.
Asuka continued, "and to make a long story short, the idiot eventually got it right and here we are."
Misato took a moment to absorb Asuka's words before she decided to speak.
"Well, it's hard to believe but stranger things have happened," although at the time she couldn't think of one. She glanced over so see Asuka smiling back at her.
"But tell me one thing, you make it sound like you and Shinji have been back for a while?"
"We've been back for a week. To be honest I had pretty much given up on anyone else coming back."
"Wait a minute, you and Shinji were the only two people on the planet for the past week?"
Asuka nodded, "as far as we could tell, it was just us."
"And you didn't kill him?"
How ironic, Asuka thought as she recounted her initial memory from Third Impact and exactly who tried to kill who.
"No, Shinji and I have...we have patched up our relationship."
Misato could not help but catch her blush.
"We are getting along much better now."
Misato smiled. "That's great, about the two of you I mean." Asuka blushed more upon seeing Misato's smile.
"So, where did he go? What happened to him?"
Asuka's smile was short lived, her mind replaying the last images of her fellow pilot. A frown formed as she informed Misato of the image of Shinji, Kaworu and Rei floating over the sea just prior to the return of Misato and the others. While telling the story, Asuka silently admonished herself for not noticing the connection before.
"Misato, what do you remember, I mean what happened to suddenly bring you back?"
Misato turned away and gazed out over the water, watching intently as the rising sun shimmered off the waves. She concentrated, trying to recall exactly what had transpired between her final memories of the battle for NERV and her arrival at the beach.
"Well, it's all strange, like a dream." She turned back and faced the redhead.
"I can remember bits and pieces, but nothing really substantial."
"So you don't remember anything?"
"No, I mean nothing that I can put my finger on..." Misato's voice trailed off as it seemed she was focusing in on something.
"What do you mean?" Asuka pleaded.
Misato paused as she attempted to put her thoughts to words. "It's strange but I can't remember images or sounds...but I can remember feelings."
"Feelings?"
"I can't really explain it but I can definitely remember feeling lonely and depressed for a long time, and then..." Misato suddenly turned pale as her jaw dropped, her hand reaching up to cover it.
Seeing her reaction, Asuka immediately grabbed Misato's arms and began shaking her. "Then what...then what? Dammit, Misato what happened up there!"
"S...Shinji. I felt his presence."
"What do you mean, felt his presence?" Asuka lamented while shaking her head from side to side as she continued, "how do you even know it was Shinji?"
The Major took a deep breath. "I just...know it was Shinji. I couldn't see him or hear him but I know it was him."
Misato smiled much to Asuka's surprise. "When I felt him, I suddenly no longer felt alone, I no longer felt sorry for myself. The next thing I knew I was walking out of the water and saw you crying on the beach."
Asuka turned away and walked a few steps up the beach. She paused for a moment, glanced up at the sky and then turned back toward Misato.
"So, he really did go back...that idiot." Her eyes started to water as she stumbled over into Misato's arms.
"That idiot went and tried to save the world again." Her tears were flowing quite freely now as she sobbed. "Am I so worthless he couldn't stand to be with me?"
Misato tighten her embrace. She could sense the girls' pain. This girl was different from the girl who had once, hesitantly acknowledged that Misato knew her darkest secrets. A girl whose secrets had only led to more pain and a complete collapse of the mind. This Asuka, even in the throes of such grief, seemed stronger. Something had changed her
A slight smile formed on her face as she decided someday to find out exactly what her two charges had experienced during the past week that would cause them to become so close. Her smile faded; however, as she decided those questions were for another time. Her first priority was to calm Asuka, and then find Shinji Ikari.
Misato released her embrace and pushed Asuka out in front of her. Asuka simply hung her head down and continued to sob.
"Asuka," Misato whispered. The redhead continued to stare at the ground as she whimpered.
"Asuka," Misato called out again, her voice a bit more forceful.
The Eva pilot seemed to respond as her sobbing slowed. Taking this cue, Misato grasped her by the chin, forcing the Second Child to look at her. "Listen, Shinji WILL be back, and when he does do you want him to see you looking like this?"
Asuka shook her head. "No."
"I didn't think so. Now pull yourself together and we'll go find him."
Asuka felt invigorated by the Major's confidence, "you're right...let's go find that jerk so I can yell at him for making me get all upset. And if the dork even starts with, 'I'm sorry' I swear I'll..."
Misato smiled as the new Asuka slipped back into her old mode of conflict resolution. It felt comforting to know that at least some things didn't change.
Misato and Asuka stood and gazed out over the beach. By this time there were several good-sized crowds forming in both directions up and down the shoreline. After Unit 00 self-destructed, the majority of the civilian population moved away. Still between the NERV staff and the portion of the civilians who remained behind, Tokyo-3 had a considerable populace. Judging by the growing numbers on the beach, a good percentage of them chose to return.
"Listen, I have an idea. Judging by the terrain, this area here is the only way on or off this beach."
Asuka scanned the surrounding dunes and rubble. The Major was correct. They were standing on the only passable section off the beach.
Misato continued, "as I figure it, we don't have to go looking for him, he's going to have to come to us."
The proposal to just sit and wait did not really appeal to the fiery German. It didn't seem right to basically do nothing while her Shinji was out amongst the crowds. She could only imagine how lost he must be without her, probably crying or something because she wasn't there for him. But, given the amount of people and the distance to cover, even she had to agree it was the best plan.
Reluctantly she sat down as Misato moved to the other side of natural walkway to ensure that no one would be missed.
Asuka's mind began to race as she could see the first groups of people approaching. She tried to formulate a plan of what to do and say to Shinji when she finally saw him again. Would she yell at him, or would she run up and hug him?
Asuka smiled as she imagined the looks on both his and Misato's faces if she ran up and kissed him. So many choices, she reflected, but which would be the best?
Asuka was so deep in thought that she failed to notice the first two people approach.
"A...Asuka, is that you?"
Hearing her name called broke her trance. "Yes," she replied as she glanced up to see the smiling face of Makoto Hyuga. "Oh, sorry I didn't see you. Welcome back, Hyuga."
Asuka silently cursed herself for never bothering to learn his first name. "Who's that?"
Makoto stepped a bit to the side, revealing a very shaken Maya Ibuki. "We thought it looked like you up here," he started as Maya tried to hide behind him again.
Misato finally noticed the pair stopped in front of Asuka. "Hyuga, is that you?" she called out as she started walking over to them.
Makoto flinched, the color leaving his face as he caught sight of Misato's smiling face. Asuka threw him a confused look as he took a cautious step back from Misato's approach.
"L...Lt. Hyuga reporting."
Misato smiled and brushed her hand at Makoto. "Oh cut that crap out, NERV is finished so you can call me Misato from now on."
He cleared his now dry throat. "Y...yes Major, I mean yes...Misato." The words seemed foreign to him as he struggled on, "Ma...Misato, what happened?"
"It's a long story, even I'm not sure about the details..."
As she moved closer, Misato caught sight of Maya, who desperately tried to conceal herself behind Makoto. For his part, Makoto seemed content to remain at arms length from the Major.
"Hey, Maya what's the matter?" Misato stepped past Makoto and grabbed Maya. "It's alright Maya, it's all over now."
Maya practically collapsed into Misato's arms, the pain and feelings of loss during the past few weeks finally catching up with her. The young woman trembled and shook uncontrollably.
"I...I'm sorry," she whimpered as she pulled herself tightly into Misato's embrace. "I want to be strong, but..."
"That's ok, let it all out." Misato started rubbing her back, "the last few days have been tough on all of us. There's nothing wrong with crying."
"Hey, Hyuga."
Makoto watched Maya and Misato as if hypnotized.
"Hello, Hyuga are you in there?"
Makoto finally turned around to the source of the voice. "Sorry Asuka, I was...distracted."
Asuka looked at him with a sly smirk before she continued, "you didn't see Shinji down there, did you?"
"No, I don't think so, but Maya was so shaken that we spent most of the time avoiding everyone down there."
Asuka glanced over his shoulder as another group of people approached. She stared directly at them, moving from one to another, searching for a familiar face but finding none.
Suddenly they each seemed to turn at the same time to face her. Later Asuka would realize these people all seemed to know her, even though she had never met them before. She sensed some type of connection to her as they all smiled and turned as they continued on their way, off the beach and back to their former lives. She observed them walk away for a moment before returning to her conversation.
"Oh well, thanks anyway...um, Hyuga," Asuka hung her head just a bit in embarrassment, "what's your first name?"
Makoto's face lit up as he replied, "Makoto."
"Well thanks, Makoto."
"Your welcome, and Asuka don't worry we'll find him." He couldn't help but notice that again she was looking past him, down at the bustling shoreline.
This time Makoto decided to turn around and see what had diverted her attention. Looking out, he could make out the approaching figures of at least ten men, all dressed identically in black and moving up the beach towards them. His face instantly froze in fear as he called out, "Major Katsuragi, you better take a look at this!"
Misato had calmed Maya down to the point that she was engaged in a conversation about the Children's return when she heard the call.
"Makoto, I thought I told..." her voice stopped short as she also caught sight of the approaching party.
"Asuka, stay up there. Lt. Hyuga, you take care of the Second Child."
Makoto stood at attention and nodded.
"Come on Maya, let's move out of the way so these people can pass." Misato slowly edged toward the side of the natural pathway, attempting to give the JSSDF troops a wide berth.
Unfortunately, for Misato, the sudden decision to move caused Maya to instinctively search for the source of the problem. A fleeting look was all it took for her painful memories to resurface.
Maya instantly fell into Misato's arms, unable to stand as the fear paralyzed her and the tears started spilling on Misato's shirt.
The former Operations Director of NERV had a dilemma on her hands. Her military training was screaming at her to drop the helpless young woman and prepare to fight, while her compassionate side pleaded to comfort the poor girl and deal with the troops if and when she had to.
Much to her surprise, Misato's compassionate side finally won, but not before her military training was able to bark out one last order to Makoto.
"If anything happens, you get Asuka out of here and don't look back."
Makoto nodded as Misato turned back towards the oncoming group. She clenched the shaking Maya tight as her eyes locked on the first person in the approaching line.
Misato's glare bore down on the advancing troops, never staying on one soldier for more than a moment as she spread her evident disgust evenly amongst them. As they strode past, none were able to look the violet haired woman in the face, instead choosing to hang their heads and accept the judgement passed upon them by the NERV personnel. They quickly moved past, Misato's glare and the painful wails of a certain young lieutenant adequately providing them with incentive.
"It's all over, they're gone now, " Misato whispered into Maya's ear after she watched the last of the troops move away.
"Well, I'm sure glad that's over with, Major," Makoto said as he moved up next to Misato. They were both staring at the departing troops, ensuring to themselves that in fact it was over.
"I know they were only following orders, but it still doesn't make it right."
Misato pondered what Makoto said for a moment before responding.
"Perhaps it's time to move on and bury the past..."
---------
The last remnants of the sun slowly slid behind the western hills as Misato surveyed their little camp. Around the blazing fire various members of the NERV command crew were sitting while chatting about various things, mostly trying to understand what happened.
Makoto and Shigeru Aoba discussed the encounter with the JSSDF earlier in the day, Misato noting the look of indifference on Shigeru's face as Makoto again described his role in averting the potential confrontation. She smiled as her memory recalled a different set of events, much less dramatic and with a much smaller role for Makoto than the version he depicted.
She continued around the fire, stopping next on Maya, who was staring intently into the flames. After the initial group of troops had left, Maya regained her composure and in fact as the day wore on she found herself aiding Misato in glaring at any JSSDF troops who passed by. Misato also remembered how Maya seemed almost as intent on finding Ritsuko Akagi as Asuka did in finding Shinji.
The Major cast a lonely tear, realizing that her friend wasn't coming back. Ritsuko gave up on living at the end, a fact that Misato recalled all too well. However she wasn't about to dash Maya's hopes either, so all through the day Misato kept encouraging the young woman to keep up hope.
Next to Maya were a handful of NERV Section 4 personnel that Misato could only remember by appearance. They were laughing and joking about, a far cry from the last time Misato saw them lying dead in the hallways of NERV.
Her eye next caught a figure, sitting all alone and staring blankly at the ground, deep in thought.
Subcommander Futyuski was one of the last to return and although outwardly he seemed fine, Misato instantly sensed that he was hiding something about his knowledge of Third Impact. His words and actions betrayed a sense of remorse and regret, she thought, and against her better judgement she offered him the leadership role in their little group. He politely refused as he explained that the entire NERV experience had soured him on a lot of things, not the least of which was leadership.
Returning to her own thoughts, Misato recalled the other NERV personnel she had seen during the day. Most had just walked by, not bothering to stop. They no longer wished to have anything to do with the agency that while charged with saving the world, ultimately almost destroyed it.
Misato couldn't blame them for walking away, in fact a part of her wished that she could simply leave and start a new life herself. She, like Futyuski, felt extremely empty after her NERV experience. It cost her the only man she ever truly loved. Wasted much of her youth. All for an ultimately futile attempt to avenge her fathers' death.
Reflecting back on the past year, she smiled recalling memories of her Children and the few good times they spent together. As the images flooded into her mind, she started to cry realizing that one member of her family was still missing. Misato wanted to breakdown as memories of Shinji raced through her mind.
What a poor guardian she really was. If he returned, she would do better. If he returned, she repeated to herself, the thought that she would never she him again began to overwhelm her. All of the things she wanted to say to him would never be spoken, forever trapped in her thoughts. Misato grit her teeth as she fought back those feelings of remorse.
She needed to be strong, for her.
Misato's thoughts unconsciously caused her to gaze over at a lone form sitting on a dune high above the beach, her outline perfectly silhouetted by the moon.
No, Misato decided, the only person who could be upset over Shinji was Asuka. She earned that right over the course of the past week. For every word that Misato wanted to tell him, Asuka had a hundred more. The pain she felt at not being able to tell him was miniscule in comparison to the pain Asuka must be feeling.
With a sigh, Misato moved up the dune and silently sat down next to the girl.
"Asuka, why don't you come down and sit by the fire, it's starting to get cold." Asuka's only reply was to continue to stare out at the shimmering ocean. In the dim light provided by the moon, Misato couldn't see that her eyes were swollen from crying. She couldn't see the dried tears spent in wait, or the slight movement in Asuka's lips as she continued her silent chorus of prayer.
She didn't need to.
Asuka moved up on the dune after the initial groups of people passed by. For the first few hours it seemed like wave upon wave of people were emerging from the sea and she walked throughout the exiting crowds, making sure no one passed without her inspection.
However, since sunset, fewer and fewer people emerged from the surf and by now no one had passed by in hours.
Whatever optimism Misato felt for Shinji's return eroded as the hours passed by. She tried to keep up the hopeful facade, if only for the girl. Asuka was all that Misato had left in the world.
"He'll be back, " Misato whispered, "he's just taking his time about it." Again Asuka simply continued to gaze out at the breakers, her eyes almost pleading for his return.
Misato slowly stood and turned away. Asuka was unreachable, she thought to herself as she started to make her way down the dune towards the fire and the others. She started thinking about how she failed her Children again when she suddenly she stopped.
A new feeling entered her mind, the same feeling she felt earlier when she held Maya. As the feeling grew she quickly turned and ran back to the girl, sitting down next to her and pulling her into a tight embrace.
Asuka began to sob as Misato held her tight, gently offering the girl words of encouragement. Misato started to cry as finally her maternal instincts overwhelmed her years of military training and obsession with revenge.
They stayed like that for hours, neither one wanting to destroy the fragile relationship that they desperately wished for...
---------
"Here, have something to eat," Misato spoke as she held a chocolate bar in front of Asuka. Although Shinji and Asuka only planned to be gone for two days, he packed extra food 'just in case'.
"No thanks, I'm not hungry."
"Come on Asuka, I know you haven't eaten anything since I came back. Please eat something...for me." Misato waved the bar just in front of Asuka's face for emphasis. Noticing that her initial approach wasn't working, Misato switched to another method. Changing her voice to one a mother would use with a little baby, she started again.
"Come on, it's really good, you know you want it." She danced the chocolate bar in front of Asuka's face as if it were alive.
Asuka smiled slightly and took the candy out of Misato's hand.
"You sound like an idiot, you do know that."
Misato simply returned her smile.
"Let me guess, you found that beer that I brought."
Misato turned away and blushed.
"That's what I thought," Asuka commented after noticing the blush.
Misato turned back to face her. "Oh, its not like that, besides, " she spoke while breaking into a huge smile, "four beers may be enough to get YOU drunk, but not me."
"Where is everybody?" Asuka mumbled over the chocolate pieces in her mouth.
"Well, I sent Shigeru and Maya off to try to reach Tokyo-2..."
Asuka cut her off mid sentence, "Tokyo-2, it's going to take them a week to walk there."
"That's true, if they walk...I purposely picked Shigeru because, well..." Misato began to look down at the sand as she pushed it around with her feet, "he has this way with cars that he can sort of start them without the keys."
"Oh, I see..." Asuka replied with a wry smile on her face.
Misato let out a pained chuckle, "Yeah, well...but what people did before they joined NERV is none of my business."
Asuka looked at Misato with the same smile as the Major continued. "Hopefully they will be back as early as tomorrow and they'll bring good news. I send Makoto and the guys from Section 4 off to Gora to grab some more supplies and food since it looks like we are going to be here for at least a couple of more days. Once Shigeru and Maya return we'll decide our next move."
Asuka paused for a moment before she spoke, "No."
Misato turned toward the redhead, a perplexed look on her face, "No, what do you mean no?"
"No, I'm not leaving." Asuka's appearance had changed from the earlier relaxed look to one of stern determination. "I will not leave Shinji. I'm going to stay right here until that jerk comes back to me."
"Oh Asuka, I understand you wanting to remain hopeful and all, but at some point you have to face reality. After the few stragglers this morning, no one has come back since."
Misato reached out and pulled Asuka into a tight embrace.
"Listen, I want him back as much as you do, but there may come a time when we have to accept that he isn't coming back."
Asuka pushed herself away from the woman and stood up, glaring down at a stunned Misato.
"You can give up, " she motioned over to the campsite on the beach although no one was there, "they can give up, the whole god damn world can give up but I will never, I repeat NEVER, give up. He didn't give up on all of you...hell I would have written the rest of the world off long ago except he wouldn't let me do it. He had more hope and faith in his damn pinky than all of you combined!"
Asuka took a deep breath and turned away, resuming her vigilant watch over the sea.
After a few minutes of stunned silence on Misato's part, Asuka calmed down and started again.
"Please Misato," she whispered, "please understand that if I leave this beach and give up, then he'll never come back." Asuka's voice began to break, "I'd rather stay here and die than go on living knowing that I failed him."
She ran down the dune and onto the beach leaving Misato alone.
"Shinji if you can hear me, please come back to us...come back to her."
---------
Awake for nearly two days, sleep came to Asuka relatively easy. She wouldn't agree to even lie down until Misato promised she would remain awake and assume her vigil. As she nodded off, Asuka's last image was of Misato sitting next to her, gazing out over the ocean as the sun set behind them.
That night he came to her in a dream.
"Asuka, can you here me?"
"Shinji, Shinji is that you?" Asuka hesitantly called out, still unsure of what was happening.
"Yes, it's me," the voice returned.
"I'm so glad to finally talk to you. "
Asuka peered around in the darkness, searching for the source of his voice. "But where exactly are you?"
"I'm everywhere...and nowhere. I am in your dream."
Asuka frantically twisted and turned trying to find him. She noticed that this world had no light, no up or down, it was as if she was suspended, yet nothing held her.
"Where are you, I need to see you again!" she cried.
"Wait a minute." Slowly Shinji's image materialized in front of her.
"There, how's that?" he said with a smile although his voice sounded labored.
She returned his smile, "much better. You sound like you're in pain...are you alright?" The stress in his voice had been evident.
"I...it's taking everything I have left to make this image for you...I don't have much time." Shinji groaned, his image seemed to dim and then brighten again.
Her smile now gone, Asuka's face portrayed a look of concern as she spoke. "Oh Shinji, stop if it's too hard, I don't need to see you that bad...you can just talk to me, that will be enough."
"No, I'll be okay, " he replied and then paused for a moment, his face dropping to a frown, "besides, this will probably be the last time we'll be able to see one another again...even if it's only in a dream."
Asuka's jaw dropped as she shivered in fear.
"What do you mean, the last time? Come on Shinji you have to fight, you have to come back...I need you!" Asuka took a moment to catch her breath, bringing her trembling hand to her mouth in anticipation of the tears.
"I can't go on without you, " she whispered as the tears began to flow in earnest. She dropped her head and continued to sob.
She felt his hand reach up and caress her cheek, lifting her head so he could look her in the eyes.
"Please don't cry, I hate to see you in pain, " Shinji winced as he grew a bit dimmer. "I need to talk to you before I go."
Asuka fought back any new tears as she wiped the old ones from her face, if her Shinji did not want to see her cry, then she damn well wasn't going to disappoint him. Within a moment she had composed herself to the degree that she reluctantly pressed on.
"Shinji, tell me why...why won't you come back?"
"I've tried, you have to believe me," he started, then paused as his head dropped. "But it's just too hard. All I can feel is their loneliness and fear."
Asuka listened to his words and began shaking her head, "but you're here, right here in front of me...if you keep trying you can make it back!"
Shinji picked up his head and smiled as he listened to her pleas.
"You never knew when to quit, did you?"
He took a deep breath before continuing. "For you I will keep trying...I'll never stop as long as your memory exists here," he said as he pointed to his heart. "But you must understand it has taken everything I had left inside of me just to come to you, for this brief moment in your dream."
Upon hearing these words, she abandoned her promise and started to cry again as he continued, "I think that soon I the truth in my heart will be completely obscured. I will be lost forever."
"No, don't say things like that, don't give up...the Invincible Shinji never loses!" she screamed, the pain of the words evident in her expression.
Shinji grimaced in pain as his image faded a bit more. "Asuka, please don't cry...I don't want my last memory of you to be like this."
Asuka tried her best to remain composed but she found herself losing the battle as she sobbed quietly.
He edged over to her and carefully placed his arm over her shoulder and pulled her tightly against him. His presence seemed to give her the strength to ask the question that had haunted her for the past two days.
"Why Shinji?"
The question was not unexpected on his part. He knew she would ask it and he also knew his answer. He prayed she would understand his reasons.
"I just couldn't allow anyone to suffer if there was something I could do about it. Like the time when I jumped into Mount Asama to save you or when I returned to NERV to battle the Fourteenth." He paused for a moment to catch his breath. "I can't allow the people I care about to be hurt if there is something I can do about it."
"But you didn't have to do this for me. I wasn't in pain because we were alone. I told you I wanted you to be all mine. It would have been just fine if it were only the two of us."
Shinji smiled, although she was still hunched over and couldn't see it.
"I know, but if I didn't try, the guilt would have destroyed me. The darkness returning."
"I still don't understand, I thought you wanted to be with me forever...am I so worthless to you that you chose them over me?"
He continued to hold her, watching her convulse with each sob, her head hung low and her hair covering her face. It genuinely pained him to see her like this and for a moment he regretted entering her dream and causing this much hurt.
He strengthened his resolve however, as he remembered the reasons he needed to speak to her this one last time.
"You are not worthless. I never chose them over you. Whether it was my image of you, or actually you, some part of you in Third Impact helped me make the correct choice. You saved me from myself. It was you who kept me going, gave me a reason to hope. You are as much a part of saving the world as me, if not more. I had to complete the circle, otherwise this would have been for nothing."
Shinji winced in pain as his image faded yet again, by now he was barely visible.
Noticing him flinch, Asuka slowly picked her head up and turned to face him. "Please, Shinji, it can't end this way."
Shinji carefully pushed the hair out of her face and smiled, trying to ease her pain.
"I still have so much I want to say...please don't have any regrets. Nothing you did made me choose this path. I made this choice. I knew that I might not be able to return. I wish I could to spend more time with you...but it appears destiny won't allow it. I will always cherish the memories of us, the good and the bad, for as long as I live."
"Please don't remember the bad memories Shinji, I...I was so stupid back then, always teasing you, pushing you away. Burying my true feelings. Please don't dredge up those memories again...you won't want to come back to me."
"Asuka, even the bad memories make me happy because I was with you." Shinji took another deep breath, summoning the courage to finish his task.
"Listen Asuka, I need you to promise me that you will move on. Forget all about this and live a long and happy life."
The girl shook her head violently back and forth, attempting to block his words. "Stop talking like that, it's like you're giving up...don't give up on me!"
Shinji clenched his fists and pressed on, determined to deliver his message. "Someday you will find someone, settle down and have a family...you'll make a great mother, even if you don't believe it."
"Stop this Shinji...this is NOT happening...no, everything is going to work out and you're going to come back to me...Don't you understand, I don't want anybody else, I want you!"
Shinji seemed to smile, although by now his image was but an outline so it was hard to tell.
"Stubborn to the bitter end... Third Impact was meant as a wake up call to all of us. Show us what is important in life. Give mankind another chance at paradise. Don't let this gift go unused and wasted, find something in your life to give it a purpose and find your happiness."
The remaining image of Shinji disappeared in front of the girl's eyes, but his final words echoed throughout the void.
"I am sorry that my leaving caused you so much pain. You were never second in my thoughts or deeds. Never. But always remember why I did this and that...I love you."
"No, Shinji!" she screamed before dropping her head in obvious grief.
"Please don't leave me," she whimpered.
"He is gone now."
Asuka looked up to see images of Rei and Kaworu standing in front of her.
"He is beyond the reach of even your dreams, " Kaworu continued as Rei simply stared at the redhead, her face emotionless as her companion spoke.
"He is back in the world of lost souls, the world without AT fields."
Rei finally decided to speak, "Ikari is unable to return, he the truth within his heart is hidden due to his interaction with the others. He has no hope left by which to find that truth."
Asuka swore that she saw a frown appear on Rei's face as she finished. "What will happen to him?"
"He will continue to exist. Alone, memories his only companion...until they fade into nothingness," Rei replied.
As painful as Rei's description was, Asuka still pressed on, her question not answered, "and what will happen to him once his memories have faded?"
This time Asuka was sure she could see both of them frown before Kaworu answered.
"Once his memories have left him, the being known as Shinji Ikari will cease to exist."
"He will die?"
"No, a human soul is eternal, it can never die. When a soul has decided to release itself from the memories of it's past existence, it will move on to the Hall of Gauf with the others until it is needed again on Earth."
"So Shinji can come back that way, right?"
"Yes and no, the new life will possess the qualities and traits of Shinji Ikari because those are part of the soul, but without the memories and life experiences of him, it will not be Shinji Ikari, he will be gone forever."
Kaworu's words cut through Asuka's heart like a knife, her agony evident in her facial expression.
After taking a moment to build her rage, Asuka finally lashed out at the duo.
"Why won't you do something to help him! What's wrong with the two of you! Don't you see, he gave everything to save these people and you're going to stand there and tell me he's gone forever!"
"Asuka, " Kaworu started, "you have to understand that there is nothing either of us can do, it's beyond even our abilities to return him. Rei and I cannot help him to return, we cannot provide the hope he requires to rediscover the truth within his heart."
Asuka's frustration became unmistakable as she spoke.
"As I see it, if he can't return on his own and your not going to help him, then how is he going get back here? Don't sit there and tell me there's nothing you can do. For God's sake don't you realize he's going to be alone in there. Desperately clinging to those few memories he has left in an effort to keep his identity. Don't you understand what a horrible fate that is! He doesn't deserve that, there has to be something you can do!"
"Ikari knew the risks before he ventured forth, he knew this possible outcome."
Rei hung her head as Kaworu spoke, "there truly is nothing that we can do, his fate is no longer in our hands."
The images of Rei and Kaworu slowly faded from sight as Asuka screamed.
"NO!"
To be continued...
Authors Notes:
Well, just a couple of loose ends to wrap up, mainly when are Shigeru and Maya coming back from Tokyo-2 and I will be finished with the fic.
One of my prereaders asked me how I could write such a dark fic, especially after I told him I didn't think it was dark. I'll say it again, this is NOT a darkfic. I mean come on I've saved millions of people, what difference should it make if ONE 15 year old kid doesn't return and ONE 15 year old girl is upset about it. I say 15 because I always figured the series lasted at least a year so they both should be 15. Anyway back to the point, I ask that you wait until the final chapter before judging whether this fic is dark or not; then you can kill me. Again, all the thanks in the world to my prereaders, Random1377, 20eva and Rhine. As much as I tried, there are a few paragraphs that are all Rhine, I just couldn't change them, they were too good. You can tell his stuff, it's the sections that seem out of place because they are so good.