Here's To Goodbye
by sparkle*
Category: General/Angst...(I tried angst again, let me know if I did good.) Anti-C/7.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: minor ones (only mentioned) for Caretaker, the Seska-Kazon arc, The Cloud, Cathexis, The 37s, Death Wish, Deadlock, Resolutions, Future's End, Coda, The Bride of Chaotica; there's more major ones for Shattered and Endgame.
Summary: Chakotay talks to Janeway before the ship reaches Earth. (Probably not as good as my other stuff, but…read it anyway =) )
Disclaimers: Paramount owns Voyager and its crew…Eve 6 owns the song – "Here's to the Night."
Author's Note: This story kind of doesn't cooperate with all of the events of
Endgame.
'This wineglass will be empty.'
"Here's to the nights we felt alive,
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon"
I enter your quarters and you are there waiting for me. I sit at the table and pour us both a glass of wine. Then I begin to speak.
"It seems we have sat at this table a thousand times, to discuss this crew report or that warp core diagnostic, this alien species or that transwarp conduit that just happened to show up on sensors. And many times we have talked about less work-related things, like the latest gossip and rumors circling the ship, Neelix's newest foray into Alpha Quadrant cooking, Naomi's latest attempt at becoming Captain's Assistant, or us. We've talked a lot about us over the years. And all of these things are what I want to talk about now. I just want to sit back and reminisce about our voyage, considering this is the last time we will ever sit at this table."
As I continue talking, starting to bring up memories both fond and painful, some meant to be remembered, and some probably best forgotten, I know you are reliving them as I am.
"The caretaker, when we first met, who would've thought that six weeks into our journey, the Maquis first officer would be showing the Starfleet captain how to contact her spirit guide. And six weeks after that he would be possessing crew members, including the captain, after being disembodied."
Then there was the whole Seska-Kazon thing which I decide not to mention, New Earth which I decide not to mention, your near-death after that shuttle crash which I decide not to mention, and Seven's arrival and Kes's departure which I think I should not mention. But I know you know what I am thinking, and I try to picture your tears that I know must exist but I have never seen. I sip at my wine, lost in thought. The room is silent for awhile.
I decide to bring up the good times, or the not-so-bad times.
"Remember when we met up with Amelia Earhart and our encounter with Q and Quinn, or when Voyager was doubled? Then there was the time we got stuck in the 20th century for a few days. And when Tom's monochromatic holoprogram was invaded by aliens 'from the fifth dimension.' "
I see you smile as you sip your wine.
And I systematically bring up every mentionable moment that passed on this ship. With each memory my voice becomes quieter…and sadder.
I stare across the table. "A few months ago, when you asked what happened outside this timeline, you have no idea how much I wanted to tell you. For my own reasons, and because I know you wanted to know, not to mention how weird it is to be interacting with someone who has no memory of things you did just hours before." And I launch into a long, complicated description of what happened. But I have imagined telling you enough times that the words come easily.
"But going back and seeing you seven years before, before this whole…journey…you were exactly the same person, but you were different, too. It made me realize how much this journey had changed you. You were more curious, but just as stubborn; more light-hearted, but just as guilt-stricken about things beyond your control. Anyway, now I've told you. Now you know.
"Why couldn't you have stayed until tomorrow? Tomorrow we reach Earth. And that's only a few hours away.
"In the other old timeline, *I* was the one to die suddenly and mysteriously right before we reached Earth. But that didn't happen this time. I bet you didn't even think I knew about that. My death. But I spent some time talking to the Admiral, too, if you remember. And Seven and I aren't together anymore. I guess knowing about all that happened in the last timeline was a little hard for both of us to swallow. But I think the Admiral gently tried to get us to break ourselves up for our own good, us including you. Like I said, the Admiral talked to me for awhile…She talked to me about you a lot, too. I only wish I could have had time to talk to you for awhile about me. Or you. Or both of us. But what I wish more, is that you were still here to stay.
"Why, Kathryn? Why did you leave now? Why couldn't you wait until we got all the way home?"
I look away from the empty chair across the table and look to the picture of you sitting in the center of the table, then back again.
"At least I got to say goodbye before the ship lands. Because even if I can't see you, Kathryn…I know you're listening."
I drink the last of my wine and think of all the thousand glasses of wine we have drunk together while we talked away our troubles. They are probably as numerous as the stars streaking past your window.
Once again, I can't help but think this is the last time I will ever sit here and talk to you. Before caving to my emotions and burying my head in my hands on your table, I focus my eyes on the untouched glass of wine I poured for you out of custom. I blink twice to clear my vision, blinking back the tears that have begun to gather in my eyes. I can't quite understand what I'm seeing. Your wineglass is empty.
"Here's a toast to those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon"