Chapter two…Resurrecting the Past (Mulder's POV)
I opened my eyes to her face. I remembered that from last night. This morning when I woke up her red hair was still resting on my chest. She means the world to me but as I looked at her I felt betrayed. This woman, I would have done anything for her, and now all I could see was the roundness of her stomach. It hurts.
I knew I was being selfish. I wanted more then anything to be the one that could give her a child. I didn't care how far I'd have to go, I didn't care what I'd have to do. I would have done it gladly. But I let her down; I couldn't give her what she wanted more then anything in the world.
It was only right of her to go to someone else. It just hurt me more then I would have imagined.
I caressed her stomach wishing that the child growing there were mine. The things I would have taught him. I would have loved him. I would have done right by him. H--- I would have done it for his mother too.
She was so perfect, so beautiful, my equal in every way, but she was also unattainable.
She cuddled closer to me. Last night I had sworn I would distance myself from her, but her eyes, her g—d--- eyes, they do it to me every time. I wasn't going to care. I was going to be cold, distant, aloof. Instead she was able to melt my wall down in four point two seconds. I have to work on that.
I could feel her heart beating and her every breath. They played me like some insidious torture. Again I questioned why I had been so soft, already knowing the answer.
I couldn't hurt her like she hurt me. Not last night I couldn't. This morning however was a different story. Last night I was willing to overlook the child but now I had no choice but to face the fact that I couldn't give her that. That I failed her and that she's moved on. Today I had to accept the fact that I'm not the only person she gets up for any more. (Previously I liked to think that, even if I knew it wasn't true) And when she has the child I have to accept the fact that the real father will be a big part of her life. That he could love her more then I do. That he could marry her and that she could very well quit the FBI to raise her child.
As much as it hurts me I still have to admit it is possible even likely that she loves the father. I gulped down bitter tears at that thought. I didn't want to lose her but I couldn't hold her back either.
G-- I couldn't lose her. She was everything to me. I couldn't believe that she didn't know that. Thinking this way always infuriated me. I had built up enough anger now to wake her but a part of me still wanted to watch her sleep. It was the same part of me that clung to her every movement. The same part that traced her features with its fingers, lingering on her perfect lips.
This part of me scared me. It seemed to react to every word out of her mouth, every gesture, every touch. At times it was overwhelming and it took control. Like last night when I had pulled her to me or in the hall of my apartment building right before she was stung by the bee that landed us both in Antarctica. I was able to keep it under some kind of control usually and I only let parts of it out. That was when I flirted with her like there was no tomorrow, that was safe friendly behavior. She never questioned that I'm sure.
I had tried to distance her previously, before…the incident. But then that night in Oregon. We were headed for something bigger then both of us, so I told her it wasn't worth it. I wanted her to get away. I thought I was saving her. It was too late for me then. I had thought my life would be over soon anyway but I kept hoping some how that I could stay with her forever. She doesn't have to tell me now that any signs of my previous condition are gone. I've seen enough x-files to figure that out on my own. Now we do have forever. Or at least we would have had forever. I'm not sure now if we can even be the same friends that we used to be.
Her child lies between us. I wanted to be happy for her I really did. But it kept coming back to my failure and her new best friend. I wonder who he is. I wonder if he can protect her and keep her happy. I know I couldn't. From the day we met all I have been able to do is hurt her. It was my fault she couldn't have children in the first place.
She stirred again and let out a soft moan that pierced me to the very core. It was an innocent sound but it rang in my ears and pulsed through my veins possessively. This would be harder then I thought. I was sure my mind would clear however as soon as she woke up and pushed away from me. She was always the one to remind me that there was a reason I didn't act out all my little fantasies.
She pulled me closer still in her sleep and I knew that I wouldn't be able to take much more of this so I shifted my position waking her in the process.
I thought she'd pull away but she didn't. That really threw me. Maybe I had a chance after all.
My hopes were dashed however by her new partner peeking in the door to my room. She quickly pulled herself away realizing she shouldn't have been there in the first place.
This was the man who had taken my place. I looked him over once and wondered what she saw in him. He didn't enter my room just beckoned for Scully to come outside. I didn't blame him. I'm sure the fury I was feeling for him was quite evident. My anger turned to sadness however when she followed him without a backwards glance. It was probably his child she carried.
I wished she'd never found me. It would have been easier.