I can't deny how great it has been to be back with Scully. I don't know how I got on so long pushing her away. I also don't know how I could have assumed so much. She was still my Scully but there was a new side to her, one that hadn't existed before my abduction. This motherhood thing seems to be fitting for her. I always used to watch her whenever she was around children especially after we found out she wasn't able to have any of her own. And then more so after Emily. I knew she would be good at being a mother. She seemed to be made for it and that had made the knowledge that because of my quest she couldn't have any even harder.

I think she has almost everything she has ever wanted now. I just don't know where I fit into her new life. I'm not her partner anymore the FBI has seen to that. All I can be is her friend and I don't know if that will be enough. I still question why she took me back after all I had said and done. I like to think that its because she can't live without me as much as I can't live without her. And maybe on some subconscious level she feels it too. What I saw in her eyes I have been looking forever since. I don't know if I just tricked myself into seeing it. At the time I was pretty needy, h--- every time I'm around her I feel needy.

I can't help but remember every time she has reached out to me and I find that they weren't as numerous as the times I've used her. I can't help but feel the emotions that drove me so hard to wean myself from her before my abduction.

Sometimes I wonder what was going through her mind that night so long ago in Oregon. When she was standing there in my doorway, so many feelings had run through me I found it hard to believe that she hadn't been affected similarly. I remembered a night almost eight years ago when she stood in my doorway with a similar fear running through her. I flashed on all the years we had been together and I couldn't believe how unbelievably lucky I was to have her in my life. And I couldn't believe how unbelievably stupid I had been to keep secrets from her. What would happen to her when I died? At that time I was certain that death was going to take me from her and I hadn't even told her how much she meant to me. I hadn't even told her how much I needed her.

It was a pride thing. I couldn't let her see me as less then I was.

It was a denial of the truth that I'd found. If she didn't know, it wasn't happening.

I tried to tell myself it was to protect her, but I see now that I was only trying to protect myself. I came so close that night. Holding her in my arms felt like holding paradise. I almost told her everything. I was so afraid I would lose her before she lost me. She was so much stronger then me. She always has been so much stronger.

I only hope that there will be more nights like that one in Oregon. Maybe now I can fill that role I've so wanted. Now that there is nothing between us and no one in the way.

My mind replays the events earlier tonight. She came home from the hospital and she opened my gift to her and our child. Her words of how I gave her courage to believe still ring through my head. Didn't she know that I got my courage from her? Didn't she know all the things she had given me? I would have quit so many times. I would have died so many times.

After she had shared that with me she had told me all she knew of my child's conception. Which was less then I had imagined. She had no idea how it had happened. It really was a miracle.

She'd asked me then if I would be his father. She was convinced it was a boy. I think she is probably right. Her face said so much tonight. But it hadn't said what I needed it to say. It hadn't echoed my feelings.

I knew when she asked me to be his father however that it had been hard for her to ask. I was grateful for that. Grateful that she was able to ask. I don't know what she thought I would say but she seemed relieved when I told her yes. She didn't seem to know how relieved I was when she asked me. I had hoped that I would be able to give her this gift and when I hadn't be able to it had hurt vastly. And now that this miracle was going to happen I felt honored and relieved to know that she still wanted me to play the role of his father.

I had felt that I had somehow failed her and with her words she had assured me that I was wrong and that I still held someplace in her heart.

Just where that place was, was something I was more then willing to explore. I wanted to be his father in everyway possible, not in just words.