Chapter 5
The tea had been soothing and almost instantly lulled him into a deep sleep. Unfortunately it couldn't keep his nightmares at bay.
The sound of flac pinging off steele. Smoke and fire. Explosions. Rafe jumping off the barn roof. Evelyn heavy with child. Hands grasping though water and twisted steel. Pain and blood and more fire and a baby crying.
Danny awoke with a start, his heart pounding and the taste of blood in his mouth. The room was totally dark, but he could hear Grace's snuffling snores from the crib beside him. She wasn't crying. He had been woken by the cries of the baby in his dream. The baby that was his, but not.
How had his life become so confusing? So twisted? He and Rafe had gone full circle, only this time he was the dead one. And Evelyn was once again stuck in the middle between them. Evelyn and the baby.
Danny had been there when Rafe first met Evelyn during their flight physicals. He had heard all about her from Rafe as they corresponded over the next few weeks. His impression of her in New York had been favorable. She was pretty and smart, and Rafe was wild about her. He was jealous - not so much of Evelyn for occupying Rafe's time and attention, but of what they had together. He, too, wanted a girl he could laugh with, flirt with, twirl on the dance floor, - but it never seemed to happen for him. All his life he had followed and learned from Rafe, yet this time Rafe was leaving him behind.
It's not that he wasn't happy for Rafe. He was. He was happy for both of them. Danny could recognize what they had even if he had never experienced it himself. Telling Evelyn that Rafe had been shot down was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. His own world was falling apart at the loss of his best friend, someone who was more than a brother, yet he had to be strong to support Evelyn in her grief. He had to think of her before he could deal with his own pain.
That night they had talked and cried for hours. It was a new experience for Danny. He had never been one to share what he was feeling, but their mutual grief and love for Rafe had pulled he and Evelyn together and helped him to open up. He didn't have to wait to deal with his grief, he had shared it with Evelyn. It was then, he had to be honest with himself, that he began to feel an attraction for Evelyn. But now he had to ask: was it for her, or her connection to Rafe? He didn't know. So much of what was between him and Evelyn had to do with Rafe.
It was all so confusing. He had loved Evelyn. He loved her still, but why didn't he feel the anger that Rafe had obviously felt when he came back to find Danny and Evelyn together? Was that proof that Rafe loved her more?
Danny remember the last time he had seen Evelyn. She was standing on the tarmac at Pearl just before he was shipped off to Doolittle. Rafe had already conceded the fight to Danny, though he didn't say it out loud. Rafe's hand on his shoulder before he entered the plane was enough to let Danny know. But even then Danny had his doubts.
"The only thing I'm afraid of is that you love him more than you love me," he had said.
Evelyn had looked away quickly, but then responded, "I love you, Danny. And I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back."
Had those words been a lie? Or a half truth? Was the pause before her response too long? Was there guilt or doubt in her eyes when she finally looked at him? Now it was obvious that she had talked to Rafe before coming to see him off, because Danny knew that Rafe hadn't recieved any letters during training. She must have told him that she was pregnant then, because Rafe was never one to give up if he really wanted something. Would she have chosen Danny if she hadn't have been pregnant? Would Rafe have given up so easily? Those were the burning questions. He didn't know, but his gut told him that she loved Rafe more, that she had only chosen him because he was the father of her child.
Her child. Jesus, Danny couldn't believe that he was going to be a father. No, no he wasn't. Rafe was. Rafe was going to go back to Evelyn and he was going to marry her. Rafe would give Danny's child his name and his love, Danny had no doubt of that. They would be a family.
Danny paused in his thinking, waiting for the anger at the unfairness of it all to well up inside of him. He wanted to hate Rafe for taking his place, to hate Evelyn for marrying Rafe and getting on with her life. But he couldn't do it. No anger came, only a deep sadness over a child he may never see and could never claim. Sadness for the awkwardness that would be between the three of them if he were to make it back to Tennessee, the only home he ever knew. Danny slowly realized that he had not only lost his child, but possibly his best friend too.
It just wasn't fair. He should have died. Then he wouldn't have to sit here wondering if Evelyn really loved him. He wouldn't have to wonder about the child he could never claim - not without messing up a whole bunch of lives in the process.
He couldn't hate Evelyn for loving Rafe more. Looking back, maybe she had used him as a replacement, but no more than he had used her. Rafe's death had left them both with gaping holes in their hearts. Being together almost made them whole again. They had both missed Rafe and that was what had brought them together. The weeks they had spent as a couple had been wonderful - the best times he'd ever had. Those days belonged to him and Evelyn, but it was hard to decide whether everything would have happened if Rafe - and his death - hadn't brought them together. Did they find love or healing with each other, and is there any difference between the two?
Turning over onto his side, Danny gave up trying to figure everything out, because he realized that the whys and hows didn't really matter. If and when he returned home Evelyn and Rafe would be married and raising his child. He didn't know how he could ever go back and see them, to disrrupt their lives horribly. Better that he die or at least never go back. He would rather never see them again than selfishly turn their lives upside down.
It was painful enough to lose Rafe the first time, but to willingly let him and Evelyn and the baby out of his life for good was tearing Danny apart.
Danny didn't even know that he was crying until he felt Kate pull him into her arms. He stiffened and tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him. "I'm sorry," he stammered, trying to control himself. "I,...I didn't mean to be loud.
Kate's hand combed soothingly through his hair, relaxing him even as the tears continued to flow. "It's okay, Flyboy. You weren't being loud," she whispered, her other hand rubbing his back in steady circular motions. "I just thought you might want some company."
He tried to pull away again in embarrassment, but she wouldn't let him and he was too mentally and physically exhausted to struggle. Besides, he was beginning to like the feel of her hands and the sound of her heart beating under his ear.
"You should have let me die," he whispered brokenly. "There's nothing left. No one......" he trailed off.
Kate was shocked at the depth of the despair in his voice. She had expected him to mourn his friends, but to want to be dead? What memories were haunting him, she wondered. Still stroking him, Kate tried to think of something to say. She barely knew him, but his grief cut right through her. "No, I shouldn't have," she told him, her voice strong and confident. "You were meant to live." Danny snorted in response. "Danny," she said, the use of his first name gaining his full attention. "It's okay to cry. To grieve for what you've lost, who you've lost. But you aren't alone,"she reassured him. "I'll be here. I won't leave you. I promise."
Her calm, quiet reassurance finally broke though what little control Danny still had. The pain that he felt - for everything, life, friends, Rafe, Evelyn, the baby - came pouring out in a flood of tears and nonsensical words. Kate weathered it all, holding him close and letting him feel her. She took his grief and gave him something to hold on to. Her tears were her own, but his pain belonged to them both.
Morning found them both exhausted. Kate was craddling Danny as if he was a small child, her arms wrapped around him, his face pressed against her heart. Her embrace warding off the bad dreams that had engulfed him.
The tea had been soothing and almost instantly lulled him into a deep sleep. Unfortunately it couldn't keep his nightmares at bay.
The sound of flac pinging off steele. Smoke and fire. Explosions. Rafe jumping off the barn roof. Evelyn heavy with child. Hands grasping though water and twisted steel. Pain and blood and more fire and a baby crying.
Danny awoke with a start, his heart pounding and the taste of blood in his mouth. The room was totally dark, but he could hear Grace's snuffling snores from the crib beside him. She wasn't crying. He had been woken by the cries of the baby in his dream. The baby that was his, but not.
How had his life become so confusing? So twisted? He and Rafe had gone full circle, only this time he was the dead one. And Evelyn was once again stuck in the middle between them. Evelyn and the baby.
Danny had been there when Rafe first met Evelyn during their flight physicals. He had heard all about her from Rafe as they corresponded over the next few weeks. His impression of her in New York had been favorable. She was pretty and smart, and Rafe was wild about her. He was jealous - not so much of Evelyn for occupying Rafe's time and attention, but of what they had together. He, too, wanted a girl he could laugh with, flirt with, twirl on the dance floor, - but it never seemed to happen for him. All his life he had followed and learned from Rafe, yet this time Rafe was leaving him behind.
It's not that he wasn't happy for Rafe. He was. He was happy for both of them. Danny could recognize what they had even if he had never experienced it himself. Telling Evelyn that Rafe had been shot down was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. His own world was falling apart at the loss of his best friend, someone who was more than a brother, yet he had to be strong to support Evelyn in her grief. He had to think of her before he could deal with his own pain.
That night they had talked and cried for hours. It was a new experience for Danny. He had never been one to share what he was feeling, but their mutual grief and love for Rafe had pulled he and Evelyn together and helped him to open up. He didn't have to wait to deal with his grief, he had shared it with Evelyn. It was then, he had to be honest with himself, that he began to feel an attraction for Evelyn. But now he had to ask: was it for her, or her connection to Rafe? He didn't know. So much of what was between him and Evelyn had to do with Rafe.
It was all so confusing. He had loved Evelyn. He loved her still, but why didn't he feel the anger that Rafe had obviously felt when he came back to find Danny and Evelyn together? Was that proof that Rafe loved her more?
Danny remember the last time he had seen Evelyn. She was standing on the tarmac at Pearl just before he was shipped off to Doolittle. Rafe had already conceded the fight to Danny, though he didn't say it out loud. Rafe's hand on his shoulder before he entered the plane was enough to let Danny know. But even then Danny had his doubts.
"The only thing I'm afraid of is that you love him more than you love me," he had said.
Evelyn had looked away quickly, but then responded, "I love you, Danny. And I'll be right here waiting for you when you get back."
Had those words been a lie? Or a half truth? Was the pause before her response too long? Was there guilt or doubt in her eyes when she finally looked at him? Now it was obvious that she had talked to Rafe before coming to see him off, because Danny knew that Rafe hadn't recieved any letters during training. She must have told him that she was pregnant then, because Rafe was never one to give up if he really wanted something. Would she have chosen Danny if she hadn't have been pregnant? Would Rafe have given up so easily? Those were the burning questions. He didn't know, but his gut told him that she loved Rafe more, that she had only chosen him because he was the father of her child.
Her child. Jesus, Danny couldn't believe that he was going to be a father. No, no he wasn't. Rafe was. Rafe was going to go back to Evelyn and he was going to marry her. Rafe would give Danny's child his name and his love, Danny had no doubt of that. They would be a family.
Danny paused in his thinking, waiting for the anger at the unfairness of it all to well up inside of him. He wanted to hate Rafe for taking his place, to hate Evelyn for marrying Rafe and getting on with her life. But he couldn't do it. No anger came, only a deep sadness over a child he may never see and could never claim. Sadness for the awkwardness that would be between the three of them if he were to make it back to Tennessee, the only home he ever knew. Danny slowly realized that he had not only lost his child, but possibly his best friend too.
It just wasn't fair. He should have died. Then he wouldn't have to sit here wondering if Evelyn really loved him. He wouldn't have to wonder about the child he could never claim - not without messing up a whole bunch of lives in the process.
He couldn't hate Evelyn for loving Rafe more. Looking back, maybe she had used him as a replacement, but no more than he had used her. Rafe's death had left them both with gaping holes in their hearts. Being together almost made them whole again. They had both missed Rafe and that was what had brought them together. The weeks they had spent as a couple had been wonderful - the best times he'd ever had. Those days belonged to him and Evelyn, but it was hard to decide whether everything would have happened if Rafe - and his death - hadn't brought them together. Did they find love or healing with each other, and is there any difference between the two?
Turning over onto his side, Danny gave up trying to figure everything out, because he realized that the whys and hows didn't really matter. If and when he returned home Evelyn and Rafe would be married and raising his child. He didn't know how he could ever go back and see them, to disrrupt their lives horribly. Better that he die or at least never go back. He would rather never see them again than selfishly turn their lives upside down.
It was painful enough to lose Rafe the first time, but to willingly let him and Evelyn and the baby out of his life for good was tearing Danny apart.
Danny didn't even know that he was crying until he felt Kate pull him into her arms. He stiffened and tried to pull away, but she wouldn't let him. "I'm sorry," he stammered, trying to control himself. "I,...I didn't mean to be loud.
Kate's hand combed soothingly through his hair, relaxing him even as the tears continued to flow. "It's okay, Flyboy. You weren't being loud," she whispered, her other hand rubbing his back in steady circular motions. "I just thought you might want some company."
He tried to pull away again in embarrassment, but she wouldn't let him and he was too mentally and physically exhausted to struggle. Besides, he was beginning to like the feel of her hands and the sound of her heart beating under his ear.
"You should have let me die," he whispered brokenly. "There's nothing left. No one......" he trailed off.
Kate was shocked at the depth of the despair in his voice. She had expected him to mourn his friends, but to want to be dead? What memories were haunting him, she wondered. Still stroking him, Kate tried to think of something to say. She barely knew him, but his grief cut right through her. "No, I shouldn't have," she told him, her voice strong and confident. "You were meant to live." Danny snorted in response. "Danny," she said, the use of his first name gaining his full attention. "It's okay to cry. To grieve for what you've lost, who you've lost. But you aren't alone,"she reassured him. "I'll be here. I won't leave you. I promise."
Her calm, quiet reassurance finally broke though what little control Danny still had. The pain that he felt - for everything, life, friends, Rafe, Evelyn, the baby - came pouring out in a flood of tears and nonsensical words. Kate weathered it all, holding him close and letting him feel her. She took his grief and gave him something to hold on to. Her tears were her own, but his pain belonged to them both.
Morning found them both exhausted. Kate was craddling Danny as if he was a small child, her arms wrapped around him, his face pressed against her heart. Her embrace warding off the bad dreams that had engulfed him.