When Psycho Bugs Attack

The Logical Explanation

By: Jesfrealo

Author's Note: Well, I draw from some personal experience on this one.  More humor and foolishness in the ATF. Enjoy, Review!

"What in tarnation do ya think he's doin'?"

"I don't believe I could venture a guess, Mr. Tanner."

"Wonder if'n the others have noticed," Vin Tanner commented as he glanced at their colleagues. 

"If they had, you can rest assured that they would not be quietly carrying out their duties, as they are."

"So what yer sayin' is they haven't noticed?"

"Yes, Mr. Tanner, that is correct."

"Why didn't ya just say that in the first place, Ez?"

"Mr. Tanner, I believe we're wondering slightly off of the subject…"

"Oh, yeah, well, I don't know what ta do, ceptin' I'd really like to know what in hell he's doin'," Vin shook his head as the two men tried to look like they were doing their work when they were really studying the odd behaviors of their leader through the glass panes on both sides of his closed office door.

"Well, Mr. Tanner, the only way to find out what our Mr. Larabee is doing is endeavor to study his behaviors further."

"You mean we ought to keep watchin' 'im?"

"Yes, Mr. Tanner," Ezra said beginning to get a little frustrated at the constant translations.

"I don't understand why just once and a while ya couldn't talk in English…"

"This time you are not only off the subject but entirely wrong in general…"

"Shut-up Ez, we're supposed to be watchin' Chris an' if he hears us an' figures out what we've been doin' we're dead," Vin hissed.

"Do you really believe he would notice, I mean, he looks…fairly…um…busy?"

"Yeah, but you know Chris, I mean he always knows what's goin' on and ever' once in a while, when he don't he figures it out real fast."

"Yes," Ezra conceded, "I suppose you are correct."

"Ez," Vin said with a mischievous grin on his face, "Did you just admit I was right, and you were wrong?"

"No, Mr. Tanner, I was merely agreeing with both our statements…"

"Ez, that ain't possible, it's one or the other and you said that mine was right."

"Mr. Tanner…"

"Hey, fellas, what's all the racket?" Buck Wilmington called over to the two observers.

Vin got a big grin on his face as he said, "Well, Bucklin, why don't ya take a gander at our favorite cowboy."

"What?" Buck asked sounding utterly confused.

"I believe Mr. Tanner is attempting to coax you into looking in on our illustrious leader," This time Ezra translated.

"Oh," Buck commented before leaning slightly in his chair to see into Larabee's office.

As he did this the rest of the men did as well and the sight that greeted their eyes was one which none them would soon forget.  There, right in his office, was Chris Larabee periodically shaking his head, standing up and shaking his whole body, waving his hands and arms in the air and following some invisible miscreant around the room with his eyes all the while obviously calculating how to cause its demise.

The six men watched somewhat mesmerized as their fearful leader danced and shook around his office for some unknown reason.  They watched him slowly sit down again all the while looking around as if daring whatever was bothering him to continue plaguing him.  They watched as the man slowly allowed his guard to drop, if only slightly.  They watched as the man looked around once more then finally, feeling like he'd won not only the battle but the entire war with this unknown force, he looked down and began doing his paper work as if nothing had happened.

Minutes passed, and still Larabee sat in relative peace doing his paper work without the slightest sign of disturbance. Despite this calm, six men still watched.  They knew that that couldn't be the end of it.  No one does what their leader had been doing then stops just as abruptly as if nothing had happened.  However, as they continued to watch their now peacefully working leader they couldn't place what in the world could have been driving the man to act like he had. 

"Do ya think he's gone insane?" JD asked quietly, not to mention very seriously.

"I don't know JD," Josiah commented before adding in his own theory, "Perhaps our brother is chasing away some demons."

"Aw, I think I've got to go with JD on the one, I think old Chris has finally fallen a few sandwiches short of a full picnic, if you get my drift," Buck commented conspiratorially.

"Now y'all stop this talk, I'm sure there's some reasonable explanation for Chris'…strange behavior…" Nathan reasoned but as soon as the words left his lips everyone in the room froze at the tremendous bang that came from Chris Larabee's office.  All the men leaned slightly to see into the office and they quickly realized that they couldn't see Chris.  The men immediately went towards Chris' office, Nathan arriving first.  The other men watched as the healer slowly turned the knob not knowing what to expect from their volatile leader especially after the show he'd put on for them not long ago.

"Chris," Nathan called quietly into the room as he slowly, caustiously walked in.

"Nathan," Chris breathed out in an extremely frustrated tone, though he was still out of sight for all the men including Nathan.  There was a pause as Nathan attempted to deduce what was doing on, however Chris was in no mood to wait and broke the somewhat awkward silence quickly by suddenly springing up from behind his desk like a madman, wielding a bright green flyswatter like a sword.  "Get out of the way, Nathan! I've almost got the little shit," Chris spoke as he pushed Nathan aside while walking around the room scanning for his pray. 

"Chris what are you doing?" JD now came to the doorway and asked quietly hoping not to set the man off. 

"What does it look like I'm doing, JD?" Chris asked irritably.

"Looking for a fly?" JD ventured a guess.

"No, JD," Chris breathed out sound incredibly pissed.  "I'm looking for the psycho bug that's been attacking me all morning.  See, just before Nathan came in I had the kamikaze little bastard but when I went to kill it, I swung back to far and my chair tipped over…" Chris said all this while continuing to walk around the room looking for said "psycho bug".  He did it all not even realizing how badly he'd incriminated himself to his men until he heard Vin Tanner's soft laughter, the only man who would dare laugh at Chris Larabee, at least the only one who would do it by himself.  However in light of Tanner's laughing the others immediately saw the hilarity of the situation and joined in.

Before the now even more enraged leader could reply, Nathan Jackson did, "See, I told you guys there was a reasonable explanation.  He was trying to keep 'psycho bug' at bay," He managed to get it all out before breaking into more laughter, as tears began to spill over. 

Chris, infuriated by the laughter, replied angrily to the one who'd started it, "What do think you're laughing at Tanner?"

"You, Cowboy," The quiet Texan replied simply.

"I don't see how I'm so damn funny," Chris growled out facing his desk and preparing to corner the main object of his ire.

"Let me illustrate for you, Mr. Larabee.  We've watched you wave your arms…"

"And shake your head," Buck interrupted.

"And sorta wiggle around," JD piped up.

"Then there was the whole thing you just told us…"

"About falling outa the chair,"

"Yeah, I kin just picture it in m' head," Vin finished before all the men began to laugh at their normally vicious, not to mention fearsome, leader. 

Chris turned quietly away from the desk, bright green flyswatter still in hand, as he went to face Tanner, who had joined JD in the doorway.  When his eyes met the sharpshooters said in a stern and serious, "Just wait till a psycho bug attacks one of your sorry asses, then we'll see what's so damn funny." 

Just then they heard the little buzz, and the psycho bug landed on Tanner's forehead.  Chris moved quickly taking aim and…splat.

"Aw, Chris, I got bug guts on m' head, what'd ya go an' do that fer?" Vin said horrified as he attempted to wipe the splattered guts from his forehead.

 

THE END