Kar v. Karr by Diablo
"The original is better than the copy, especially if the copy is a bastardization of the original." -Diablo
Note: This is a crossover between the Bollen/Sadler (Kar) and Disney (Karr) Zenons with some original characters thrown in. Trademarks, copyrights, etc. are the property of their respective owners.
A word of warning: This little ditty is chock full of fun stuff, like swearing, wanton violence, and a bit of drug use. If you like that kind of stuff, read on. Otherwise go to your IE-only flashturbation pages and shut up, m'kay?
This was in the newspaper a while back:
"The Kar family is your everyday space station family. There's Dett, a smart, frugal man; Darla, his beautiful wife; and Zenon (officially Zenona), their lovely 11-year-old daughter. The Kars are a perfect family. They rarely fight, they have wine at every dinner and that's about it, and Z gets a GPA of 3.9 (computed from a recent report card with no GPA).
There is, however, a bastardized version of the Kars, called the Karrs. Mark corresponds to Dett. He's a bisexual alcoholic who cheats on his wife Astrid. Astrid weighs like 250 pounds, and it ain't muscle. She got fat after she had Zenon (officially Zenon--a girl with a boy's name), who is 15 and in the eighth grade with a 2.1 GPA. Her record is a mile long, with offenses ranging from shoplifting to grand theft auto. The whole family is a mess. They fight every other night, use crack cocaine and methamphetamine frequently, and are the biggest train wreck you have ever seen."
Both of them went to Wings Stadium in Kalamazoo one night. Only one of them came out alive. You see, there was a deathmatch between them in there. A whole family was wiped out. Another barely made it. I saw it all--from the moment they stepped in the ring, to the moment the last of the vanquished family lost their head--literally.
The stadium was packed that winter night. It was at least fifty or sixty whole degrees warmer in the stadium than out in the slush-covered parking lot. All my friends were there: Diablo, my best friend since 1987; Pesadilla, his twin sister; and Aquatarkus, who worked at McDonald's to pay for the ringside tickets. We were behind 2-inch-thick plexiglas, safe from flying body parts and most other projectiles.
The Kars walked in the ring and were immediately applauded. The Karrs walked in and were booed and hissed at like Britney Spears at DTE opening for a real band like the Cars or ZZ Top. And then Mills Lane came in the ring as referee.
He said, "Now I want a good clean fight from the both of you." And then, after all the anticipation, he yelled...
DETT AND MARK, LET'S GET IT ON!
The rest left the ring, and Dett immediately hit Mark in the face. Mark swung at Dett like a drunk man. (In fact, he was drunk.) Dett pushed Mark right into the ropes, and he clotheslined Mark so that the Karr jerk flew face first into the canvas, where his front teeth embedded themselves.
Dett said, "This is for giving my family a bad name, you son of a bitch!" and pulled Mark up by the ears. Mark, who was bleeding all over the place, grabbed Dett and knocked him down. The crowd started to boo. Luckily, Dett managed to grab onto Mark's scrotum to pull himself up, and Astrid threw a pop bottle into the ring. Mills took it and smelled it.
He said, "This smells like some good gin!" and threw it onto Mark. The gin was all over him, and Dett picked him up and threw him into a halogen light. The Karr jerk caught fire and ran around, setting the ropes on fire, until Dett pushed him out of the ring, where he landed and set cables on fire. Guys with fire extinguishers were running about and putting the fire out.
And they found Mark, who was Kenny Rogers Roasterized.
"That is one roast pig," said a feminist member of the informal fire crew. "If there was an apple in his mouth, I'd eat him."
"I wouldn't eat that crack addict. I don't want to become a crack addict myself," said another member of the events crew.
Mills declared Dett the winner, and Darla went up against Astrid. At first, Darla was knocked around by Astrid the fat chick, but "Asstrid" decided to take out her trusty crack pipe. Darla saw the opportunity, and beat the fuck out of Astrid. And then she threw the crack pipe on the floor. Zenon Karr picked it up and smoked some crack.
Pissed, Astrid bumped Darla with her fat ass so hard Darla landed on her not-so-fat ass. But Astrid wasn't prepared for what Darla would do, and she foolishly stepped within range of Darla's arms. She screamed as Darla pulverized her. Literally. Blood and guts splattered on the plexiglas. All that was left of Astrid was a pile of hamburger, with a sign that read "Crack and Junk Food Fed Ground Human--We pay you $3.00/pound." The events crew cleaned the mess up as Mills declared Darla the winner.
And finally, the Zenons stepped in. And when Mills said "Let's get it on," they got it on. Karr was bigger than Kar, but Kar was faster and more brutal with her attacks. It was little more than a catfight. They were moving so fast, I didn't know who did what to whom. All I saw was blood creating an abstract painting on the canvas. And then Kar pulled Karr by the arm and spun around.
Kar let go, sending poor little Zenon Karr into the rafters. And she hit a wall and splattered just after saying "Ceedus lapeedus!" The remnants of the crack whore, detached head included, landed on some people in the back row. Mills declared the Kar girl the winner. And then, as we prepared to leave, the power went out, and we could see a blue light in the ring.
After a minute or two, the power came back on, and the Karrs were alive and well! WTF! thought I. And in the ring was some guy named Frankenstein and his machine, called the LifeForm Regenerator. The whole audience was pissed. The Kars had already left for home, thereby avoiding the resulting fiasco. We barely escaped as full cups of pop flew around.
But at least we knew that the Kars could beat the Karrs, even if some doctor just resurrects the losers at the end.
The End, baby!
"The original is better than the copy, especially if the copy is a bastardization of the original." -Diablo
Note: This is a crossover between the Bollen/Sadler (Kar) and Disney (Karr) Zenons with some original characters thrown in. Trademarks, copyrights, etc. are the property of their respective owners.
A word of warning: This little ditty is chock full of fun stuff, like swearing, wanton violence, and a bit of drug use. If you like that kind of stuff, read on. Otherwise go to your IE-only flashturbation pages and shut up, m'kay?
This was in the newspaper a while back:
"The Kar family is your everyday space station family. There's Dett, a smart, frugal man; Darla, his beautiful wife; and Zenon (officially Zenona), their lovely 11-year-old daughter. The Kars are a perfect family. They rarely fight, they have wine at every dinner and that's about it, and Z gets a GPA of 3.9 (computed from a recent report card with no GPA).
There is, however, a bastardized version of the Kars, called the Karrs. Mark corresponds to Dett. He's a bisexual alcoholic who cheats on his wife Astrid. Astrid weighs like 250 pounds, and it ain't muscle. She got fat after she had Zenon (officially Zenon--a girl with a boy's name), who is 15 and in the eighth grade with a 2.1 GPA. Her record is a mile long, with offenses ranging from shoplifting to grand theft auto. The whole family is a mess. They fight every other night, use crack cocaine and methamphetamine frequently, and are the biggest train wreck you have ever seen."
Both of them went to Wings Stadium in Kalamazoo one night. Only one of them came out alive. You see, there was a deathmatch between them in there. A whole family was wiped out. Another barely made it. I saw it all--from the moment they stepped in the ring, to the moment the last of the vanquished family lost their head--literally.
The stadium was packed that winter night. It was at least fifty or sixty whole degrees warmer in the stadium than out in the slush-covered parking lot. All my friends were there: Diablo, my best friend since 1987; Pesadilla, his twin sister; and Aquatarkus, who worked at McDonald's to pay for the ringside tickets. We were behind 2-inch-thick plexiglas, safe from flying body parts and most other projectiles.
The Kars walked in the ring and were immediately applauded. The Karrs walked in and were booed and hissed at like Britney Spears at DTE opening for a real band like the Cars or ZZ Top. And then Mills Lane came in the ring as referee.
He said, "Now I want a good clean fight from the both of you." And then, after all the anticipation, he yelled...
DETT AND MARK, LET'S GET IT ON!
The rest left the ring, and Dett immediately hit Mark in the face. Mark swung at Dett like a drunk man. (In fact, he was drunk.) Dett pushed Mark right into the ropes, and he clotheslined Mark so that the Karr jerk flew face first into the canvas, where his front teeth embedded themselves.
Dett said, "This is for giving my family a bad name, you son of a bitch!" and pulled Mark up by the ears. Mark, who was bleeding all over the place, grabbed Dett and knocked him down. The crowd started to boo. Luckily, Dett managed to grab onto Mark's scrotum to pull himself up, and Astrid threw a pop bottle into the ring. Mills took it and smelled it.
He said, "This smells like some good gin!" and threw it onto Mark. The gin was all over him, and Dett picked him up and threw him into a halogen light. The Karr jerk caught fire and ran around, setting the ropes on fire, until Dett pushed him out of the ring, where he landed and set cables on fire. Guys with fire extinguishers were running about and putting the fire out.
And they found Mark, who was Kenny Rogers Roasterized.
"That is one roast pig," said a feminist member of the informal fire crew. "If there was an apple in his mouth, I'd eat him."
"I wouldn't eat that crack addict. I don't want to become a crack addict myself," said another member of the events crew.
Mills declared Dett the winner, and Darla went up against Astrid. At first, Darla was knocked around by Astrid the fat chick, but "Asstrid" decided to take out her trusty crack pipe. Darla saw the opportunity, and beat the fuck out of Astrid. And then she threw the crack pipe on the floor. Zenon Karr picked it up and smoked some crack.
Pissed, Astrid bumped Darla with her fat ass so hard Darla landed on her not-so-fat ass. But Astrid wasn't prepared for what Darla would do, and she foolishly stepped within range of Darla's arms. She screamed as Darla pulverized her. Literally. Blood and guts splattered on the plexiglas. All that was left of Astrid was a pile of hamburger, with a sign that read "Crack and Junk Food Fed Ground Human--We pay you $3.00/pound." The events crew cleaned the mess up as Mills declared Darla the winner.
And finally, the Zenons stepped in. And when Mills said "Let's get it on," they got it on. Karr was bigger than Kar, but Kar was faster and more brutal with her attacks. It was little more than a catfight. They were moving so fast, I didn't know who did what to whom. All I saw was blood creating an abstract painting on the canvas. And then Kar pulled Karr by the arm and spun around.
Kar let go, sending poor little Zenon Karr into the rafters. And she hit a wall and splattered just after saying "Ceedus lapeedus!" The remnants of the crack whore, detached head included, landed on some people in the back row. Mills declared the Kar girl the winner. And then, as we prepared to leave, the power went out, and we could see a blue light in the ring.
After a minute or two, the power came back on, and the Karrs were alive and well! WTF! thought I. And in the ring was some guy named Frankenstein and his machine, called the LifeForm Regenerator. The whole audience was pissed. The Kars had already left for home, thereby avoiding the resulting fiasco. We barely escaped as full cups of pop flew around.
But at least we knew that the Kars could beat the Karrs, even if some doctor just resurrects the losers at the end.
The End, baby!