Author note: You people should never encourage me. I spin my evil ways. I insult every character I come into contact with. I generally destroy stuff. And I insert a strange alter ego of myself. I didn't want a fangirl, and Terra and Relm were already occupied during this.
I do NOT think Edgar is hot by the way. My alter ego does. Be afraid for me.
I don't own any of the boys or girls. Or Green Day, but I never actually mention them. I allude to them. Don't sue! Psi is mine, as is dear Hamka (Not that anyone would be crazy enough to take either of them!) I mean no disrespect. Honest! *evil, Kefka-esque giggle*
Ultima Hits The Opera House: From a slightly different perspective...
By Ntrophi (just to clarify in the midst of all the chaos... The chaaaos!)
It was an hour before the concert and all through the opera house, not a creature was stirring, not even a fangirl. That was mainly because the bouncers hadn't let any of the creeps in yet.
Sat up high on the balcony, a single figure looked down at the stage disdainfully. Those fools. Having saved the world literally five minutes ago, they just had to rub it in and start their own band. They didn't even give a thought to the poor villain who had suffered in their triumph. The figure rubbed it's nose and scowled under it's hood. Well, he would have to see just how good these heros were. They weren't too good at checking whether their nemesis was actually dead. What kind of chance did they have at conquering the music business?
::Squeak...:: a voice piped up beside the figure. The figure turned towards the source and patted the small, hooded hamster on the head. The hamster was dressed exactly like the figure, and had a big bandage on her head. Those infernal heroes couldn't pick on people their own size, now could they?
'Oh no...' the figure murmured softly, bracing itself as the doors opened and every fangirl and boy in the known world poured in. 'They had to pick on those smaller and less human than them...' The figure clenched a fist. Those heroes would have to pay. And pay they would...
After the concert. You never disturbed a show at the Opera House. No siree. That would be like trying to destroy the world and failing miserably.
'Hmm...' the figure mused to itself.
Down at the door, a skeptical looking teenager in a Blue Day shirt was eyeing the merchandise critically.
'You have action figures, extortionate t-shirts and what...?' she said. The salesman grinned and held up a cheap looking drinks container with Ultima's logo splashed all over it.
'Ultima juice - the drink of the band,' The teen rolled her eyes.
'I'm going to kill my friends for dragging me here...' Speaking of which, she was soon swept up in a wave of fangirlness as her three friends popped up beside her.
'Pssssssi! They're letting us in now!' one of them yelled. Psi rolled her eyes.
'Yes, dear...' she muttered. Damn her friends for searching her before they came out. They had taken her stereo, her shovel and her lockpick - all essential tools for escaping this hellhole. If everything had gone the way she had planned, then she would be sat at home, listening to unmerchandised rock.
'Stupid pop crap...' Psi muttered as she was literally dragged into the Opera House.
Back up on the balcony, the figure was about to strangle itself. There was a freaking, singing CHOCOBO on stage. Just about resisting the urge to stand up, break his cover and fry the damned thing, the figure began to pet the hamster.
'WWWWW-WWWAAAARK!!' the chocobo warbled. The petting turned into firm slapping.
'W-WAAAAARRRRRK WARK!' the chocobo continued. The firm slapping turned into brutal pounding.
::Squeak!:: the hamster complained. The figure growled.
'Blame the bird...' he muttered. The hamster turned towards the performing bird. It's eyes narrowed. Evilly.
'Bird go singing! Sing bird! Cho-Cho-Chocobo! Gauauau!'
The figure and the hamster both turned towards the ungainly yelling and sank their heads into their hands as one. Typical. An entire evening sat next to neanderthal boy and crying man.
'Sir Gau, would thou please get down from there and choose a seat next to me?' Cyan yelled. The figure smirked.
'Why don't you both just fall off...?' he muttered quietly.
::Squeak, squeaking squeak!:: the hamster finished. Cue much evil and strange laughter from the mysterious pair. They didn't even hear the old man's question, and that wasn't neccessarily a bad thing. The figure's response would probably have included a whole bunch of words that we couldn't reproduce here.
Now Psi was unhappy. Truly, suicidally unhappy. She was surrounded by screaming fangirls and boys. Her friends were arguing over who was hotter; Locke or Sabin. And there was a chocobo on stage. It was singing. Or trying to. She dropped her head into her hands and started to pray for some kind of natural disaster to befall the Opera House.
'Earthquake, tornado, Light of Judgement, Return of Kefka... Anything!' she mumbled. Her friend, Ver slapped her on the back.
'Cheer up, Psi! They're going to be on in a minute! I can't believe it!! Locke is soooooo sexy!'
'He is NOT, Sabin is!'
'Who said Sabin was hotter than the Lockester?'
'Locke?! WHERE?!?'
'What about Edgar?' an innocent looking ten year old piped up. The rest of the fangirls exchanged glances and burst into laughter.
'Edgar?! Haaah! No-one beats Locke,'
'Sabin!'
'Locke!!'
'SABIN!!'
Psi ducked just in time as a crowd of hyperactive fangirls all jumped at each other. Watching the catfight from her vantage point beneath them, she snickered evilly.
'Now, THIS is entertaining,'
It was not long before the hamster, the figure and poor Psi were put out of their misery and introduced to a new kind of torture; sitting and watching a bunch of heroes who thought they were rock stars.
As soon as the performance began the figure felt he HAD to get the hell out before he was sick.
'Watch the seats, Hamka...' he whispered as the heroes burst onto the stage and everyone inside was unable to hear their own thoughts. 'Fry anyone who dares take them... Uwhee...' The hamster, now pleased that the author was using her name now, nodded eagerly and crouched in the seat; ready to pounce on any poor soul that passed by. The figure paused and struck a cheesy villainous pose.
'I'm off to wreack havoc and chaos! Perhaps Ultima will hit the Opera House... Literally!! Uwhaa haa haa!!!'
::Squaa haa haa!!:: Hamka echoed. Beside them, Cyan was trying not to notice. This was not his day.
The figure began to head backstage; casting strange spells on anyone who dared get in his way. Two fangirls succumbed to a blast of Melon3. A security guard was flattened (literally) by Bookshelf2. The figure had to shake his head. Fruits and pieces of wood had nothing on a good Flare spell. Damn those heroes for taking proper magic away. It was kind of embarassing making up your own spells.
Still, he continued backstage, and soon was watching the band from the side. A few feet in front of him, that idiot gambler Setzer was stood, chatting up some women who was dressed in VERY bright clothes. The figure had to admire her taste in clashing shades of green and red.
*I must get her business card...* he thought as he continued further backstage; felling a couple of stage hands with a flash of CrispPacket4.5. No-one seemed to notice. They were all tied up in the music...
In the midst of the mosh pit, Psi was actually enjoying herself. The music wasn't actually that bad, and she had to say that the lead guitarist was pretty damned hot. Alright, so he looked almost exactly like the drummer, but that long lucious hair was such a sexy feature. Though the bass player and the lead singer were kind of irritating in a cutesy kind of way. The way they looked at each other. It was sickening and made Psi want to write something nasty about them. But, she didn't have any paper. Or a pen. Darn. Well, she could content herself with drooling over the lead guitarist.
She purred and continued to jump to the beat. These guys weren't so bad. Nice rhythms, good lyrics. Hot damn, they were pretty entertaining.
'They're not too bad, eh?' she yelled to Ver. The girl looked at her with dreamy anime-style eyes.
'Lockey looked at me and smiled...' she breathed dreamily. Psi slapped herself in the forehead. Stupid friends...
Backstage, the figure had found the stairs up to the rafters of the roof. An evil grin graced his face as he spotted a four tonne weight just sat there. It was so tempting. What better means of causing chaos than squashing the main act? He edged closer to it, listening carefully. It was as if the weight were calling out to him.
'Puuuush me on the heeeeroes...' the weight said. The figure blinked.
'Did you actually talk?' he asked. The weight shrugged as best it could.
'Do I look like a therapist to you? I'm a piece of metal. Whether I'm talking or not is up to your twisted sense of reality...' The figure paused, scratching it's head for a moment.
'Eh?' he said. The weight would have rolled it's eyes, had it had any.
'Look. Just get me up there and push me onto the heroes. I'm a busy weight y'know. Things to do, people to kill...' The figure nodded eagerly.
'Whatever you say, Mr Weight!' he yelled, rushing to try and push the weight along the rafters. Eesh. You can't get the bad guys these days, can you?
Hamka was also enjoying herself - much, she imagined, to the displeasure of her pet. What was that? You're surprised that Hamka refers to her owner as a pet? Well, she still had control over the decent magic. She could Flare and Merton and Pearl people. He could only drop magical bookcases on them. Yes, the time had finally come when she could step out of the shadows of her human and become the strongest magical hamster in the world!!
Cyan had to look back to his left when a strange burst of high-pitched laughter erupted beside him. The small, strangely dressed hamster was lying on the seat, laughing her tiny hamster butt off. He raised both eyebrows and went back to watching that Gau didn't lose his grip on the side of the balcony.
'Master Sabin most certainly WILL hear about this...' he muttered, trying to ignore the hysterical hamster beside him and the hyperactive boy in front of him. 'I could be at home mourning my poor family...' That did it. Right at the end of the first song, Cyan burst into tears. Hamka let herself squeak with excitement. Yes. It was all going exactly as she had foreseen... And this music wasn't so bad. She felt she had to... sway to it. So rocky. So angry.
So... soothing.
As the fangirls screamed and Locke took the mike, the hooded figure was slowly pushing the weight along the creaking rafters. How the weight hadn't fallen through and crushed a couple of hundred screaming fans yet was a complete mystery. The figure didn't care. He was having a nice conversation with the weight about the ethics of taking over the world and then destroying it for your own selfish means.
'If I took over the world,' the weight was saying. 'I wouldn't just kill people at my every whim. I would try to punish those who had hurt me and help those who had helped me...' The figure nodded.
'Yeah, but what if no-one tried to help you? What if they gave you an injection and then called you crazy and then tried to kill you and betray you and generally hurt you a lot? Wouldn't you be able to take revenge on the whole world then?' The weight mused over this and then looked up at the figure.
'You're crazy,' The figure paused and grinned proudly.
'You think so?' he exclaimed, crouching down to give the weight a big hug. 'Thank you, so very much,'
'Ah great... Just what I need. A psycho to push me over the edge while he's still attached... I'll never weigh things down again in this town... I'll end up being some glorified paperweight...'
The figure finally detached himself as Locke was launching into the last few lines of the song. The figure looked tearfully at the weight and sniffed.
'I'm going to have to push you off now, and crush all the heroes...' he mumbled. The weight would have smiled in an understanding way. But it didn't have lips. How inconvinient.
'I understand. Was nice talking to you...' The figure started to push half-heartedly. The weight didn't move.
It took a whole four hours for the figure to realize that he was never going to be able to push the weight off the end of the rafter. Not that it mattered. The concert had finished ages ago. The only people who would be crushed were the cleanup crew. And judging by their mutterings, they would much rather be crushed to death than left to clean up the mess made by the fangirls.
'I can't do it, Mr. Weight!' the figure yelled tearfully. Again, the weight would have rolled its eyes. Enough was enough. This figure was starting to drive Mr. Weight mad. Mad enough to paint his face white with red bits and go around singing and dancing about how much hated everyone and everything.
'That's it. I'm outta here,' it muttered, throwing itself off the end of the rafter and plunging seventeen feet through the stage below.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MR WEIGHT!!! NOOOOOO!! OH CRUEL FAAAAAATE!!'
It had taken a long time for Psi to catch up with Edgar and Sabin; the former had been chasing the latter around the Opera House in a mad fury. They only just managed to escape death when a seemingly suicidal four tonne weight crashed down onto the stage after they had sprinted across.
'You'll never catch me, brother!' Sabin was yelling. Edgar gritted his teeth and grabbed his chainsaw from a conveniently placed pocket.
'Oh yes I WILL!' he yelled. Psi paused and watched them.
'Eesh. Brotherly love, eh...?' She continued to chase them. She was going to talk to Edgar if it killed her. And if she didn't get him at the concert, she was going to go to Figaro and hunt him down. And if she couldn't catch him there, then there was always the next concert.
She blinked slightly. There was a weird feeling coming over her. She felt all...
'Fangirly!?!' she exclaimed. 'Nooooo!!'
Edgar and Sabin ran past her, yelling curses at each other. Psi's head followed Edgar as he whipped past, and a grin formed on her face.
'Ah, who cares? Everyone has their weaknesses... EDDDDDGAAAAR!' She began to sprint after them, little anime hearts buzzing around her head.
Hamka was waiting by the foyer, eyeing the leftover merchandise.
::Squeak?:: she said, pointing to a ripped, bright red t-shirt. She could make an excellent robe out of that and still have enough to make her human a new hat. The salesman eyed the shirt and shrugged.
'60 gil, what with it being damaged and all,' Hamka raised an incredulous eyebrow.
::Squeaky squeak? Squeak squeaky, squeaking squeak!' The salesman nodded.
'You have a point. And you drive a hard bargain. Alright, 59 gil,' Hamka rolled her eyes and prepared the Flare the idiot. Where was her human when she needed him?
High above the rafters, the figure was knelt, bawling his eyes out. His poor friend, Mr. Weight, had cast away his own life, all because of that stupid band!
'Whhhhy?!' the figure crooned, throwing back his head and sobbing to the heavens. 'Whhhy?! He was innocent! Why couldn't you take me instead!!' The rafter he was on creaked dangerously, causing the figure to frown and look back up at the sky.
'I didn't MEAN it! Sheesh!' He stood up. The rafter creaked again, causing the figure to shake a fist at the heavens.
'I swear. You kill me, and you'll never hear the end of it...' Somewhere up above, a heavenly body laughed madly. The rafter snapped, and the figure let out a long burst of expletives as he fell to the stage and hit. With a crunch.
The En...
'No, no, no...'
The figure punched the author on the jaw and stormed his way to the keyboard.
'There is no way you're ending it like THAT! I do NOT give in to fate!' What can you do? It's fate!
'I can cheat fate. I'll be back. Mark my words. Let these pinheads have their silly little band and their silly concerts. I WILL be back and I'll have a little surprise waiting for them. Uwhee hee hee!!!'
Oh dear... What have we begun?