Comedy problems
This is a response to gambit_is_mine_damnit's challenge.
Write an X-Men fan fiction on the following criteria:
- At least 2 X-Men get drunk.
- Someone touches Rogue.
- Someone complains about someone's odor.
- Someone dies.
- Someone uses a narcotic drug (I.E. crack, heroin, marijuana)
- Solve world hunger (no mary sue's) huh?
- And it must be damn funny.
It was another hot and sunny afternoon at the X-Mansion. Mr. Sun was grinning cheerfully down on Earth.
"Ouch! That sun is sooo irritatingly hot!! I'm melting..." complained Jubilee, fanning herself frantically.
"Yeah, too bad Iceman and Storm ain't here, if not they could cool us down a little," Kitty mused.
"How 'bout we all go inside, and turn on the air-conditioner instead of suffering out here?" Jean suggested.
Rounds of agreement sounded out, as if that was the best idea Jean ever had. In a matter of seconds, they were gathered indoors, enjoying the cool artificial breeze. Jubilee proposed that they play Truth or Dare, and groans were heard. Especially from the guys. But, Jubes got her way, as usual.
Jubilee, Kitty, Jean, Rogue, Wolverine, Cyclops, Kurt, and Gambit were seated in a circle.
"I'll go first," volunteered Jubilee.
More groans were heard, only to be shushed by the girls.
"Ok," Jubilee continued, ignoring them. "Kitty, truth or dare?"
"Truth," came the reply.
"How was your first experience kissing a guy?"
Snickers.
Kitty blushed, hesitating.
"Um...he was rather big-sized, and when he cornered me, he practically squashed me against the wall. I had no choice but to kiss him, unwillingly. He forced his tongue down my throat, and I choked. Then I somehow swallowed his chewing gum, and had to be admitted to the hospital 'cuz I couldn't breathe much. It was horrible. He never did call me back again though," Kitty shuddered, recalling the memory.
Sniggers.
Kitty blushed even harder, before continuing.
"Kurt, truth or dare?"
"Truth." He German blue furred elf was scared of crazy dares.
"Ok, when was your MOST embarrassing moment?"
"Oh, um- I- erm..it was when I first discovered my teleportation powers, and wasn't in control of 'em. I accidentally teleported into a cubicle in the women's toilet, unfortunately. It was *BAMF*, and I suddenly found myself staring and whistling happily in the eyes of a woman half pulling her underwear down. She looked shell-shocked, so did I. I quickly teleported away before she could scream or sumthin'."
The room explodes in laughter. Kurt turns even redder than Kitty.
"My turn. Scott, truth or dare?"
"Dare." Scott grinned, a mischievous twinkle in his eye.
"I dare you to get drunk."
"WHAATTT?!?!" Scott shrieked, turning green. "You know I don't drink!"
"I'll join you," offered Wolverine, whose favorite pastime was drinking.
"Ok, Scott and Wolverine shall both get drunk," Kurt concluded, and disappeared, reappearing with some bottles of beer in his hands.
A few minutes later, 12 bottles lay empty on the floor. Scott looked groggy and confused, while Logan was enjoying himself thoroughly.
Scott burped, and almost fell over. Instinctively, he reached over and grabbed the nearest person to him. Unfortunately, that was Rogue. She was too shocked to pull away, and Scott's veins bulged, as energy drained out of him. Finally, Rogue came to her senses and jerked her hand away. Scott fell down, unconscious. Jean rushed to his side, concerned.
"Scott!!! Dammit..." Jean screamed, paling.
She turned to Rogue and accused her of being a heartless bitch. The two women started a catfight which only ended an hour later.
After 1001 unsuccessful tries to bring back Scott, they almost gave up. But, after a week had passed, he finally awoke from his coma. The X-Men all rushed to his room to greet him after so long. But, when they reached, a distinctive horrible smell drafted out to their nostrils.
"Eeewww!! What is that?!" Jubilee wrinkled up her nose in disgust.
Kitty, who was the first to peer around the door to Scott's room, screamed out in horror.
"It's Scott!! It's comin' from Scott!! Aaahh!! Run!!" she shrieked, running for her life, or rather for her nose.
Unfortunately, when Kitty tried to pass through the closed door, the smell caused her to forget that she wasn't intangible, and her head smashed into the solid hard wood. The others did not notice, as they were too busy running away from Scott's rotten egg body odor. So, they all stampeded over her.
A minute later, they realized what had happened, and rushed back.
"Uh-oh," Beast exclaimed, as he felt for Kitty's pulse. He sadly shook his head, and bent over Kitty's unmoving body.
Some of them cried, some blamed themselves for being so blind, and the rest blamed Scott for his horrible body odor.
But, Jubilee and Kurt were the ones most affected. After all, they were Kitty's best friends.
Jubilee turned to drugs for comfort. She went to the local club, Generation, and took many ecstasy pills and heroin to get high. She wanted to forget about all her problems and enjoy herself. But, still, she could not help but miss the lovable Kitty Pryde. Too bad for her, her body could not take the amount of pills she fed it, and she collapsed in the middle of the dance floor, vomit spewing out of her mouth. When she awoke in the dustbin, she has amnesia and did not remember anything in the past. She wandered around town, looking strangely at everyone everywhere.
As for Kurt, he teleported to the moon to be isolated, and brought along ten years' supply of hamburgers, fries, chicken nuggets, and water. Unfortunately, after a day's stay there, an asteroid hit the moon.
*BAMF*
Kurt was safely back in the X-Mansion, sitting on top of Wolverine's head.
"Get off, imp!" Wolverine growled menacingly.
Kurt quickly scrambled off before the man could sink his claws into his blur fur.
Back to the moon. It had exploded, and Kurt's food supply rained down on Earth. People everywhere had food to eat. Even the people scaling Mount Everest had a few fries to munch on.
"Wow! This is cool..." Kurt admired the sight outside of the window. He watched the food hit the ground, and some hit Logan's head. Kurt giggled silently at the funny sight outdoors, as the furious Logan tried to pierce every hamburger with his claws.
* the end *