BOREDOM + WRITER'S BLOCK = ALL THESE STUPID FICS
ANNOUNCER GUY: Hello, and welcome to today's episode of...Saaaale of the Century! And here's your host, Gilderoy Lockhart!
AUDIENCE: Groan.
LOCKHART (beaming): Hello, and welcome to the show!! I'm Gilderoy Lockhart, and this is Minerva McGonagall, my lovely assistant!
MCGONAGALL: I'm thrilled to be here.
LOCKHART: No need to be sarcastic, there, Minnie.
**MCGONAGALL looks furious, but manages to smile coldly at LOCKHART, who doesn't notice. He's too busy beaming at the crowd, flashing his teeth which are, by the way, false.**
LOCKHART: We've all flown here to Australia for Sale of the Century! Introduce our contestants, Minnie!
MCGONAGALL: And our contestants today are...
LOCKHART: Our first contestant is Sirius Black. An escaped convict, Sirius' hobbies include hiding from the Ministry and protecting Harry Potter, who, incidentally, is our next contestant.
**SIRUIS walks out, and AUDIENCE claps.**
LOCKHART: Our next contestant is Harry Potter. Famous for being the Boy That Lived, Harry spends his time solving daring mysteries at his school, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
**HARRY walks out, AUDIENCE claps and cheers. LOCKHART frowns. HARRY is receiving more attention than he did, and this is, of course, unforgivable.**
LOCKHART: Our third contestant is Ginny Weasley. Ginny narrowly escaped death in her first year, and her hobbies include playing Exploding Snap and writing letters to...what was that?
**MCGONAGALL whisperes to LOCKHART, shaking her head furiously, while GINNY walks out. AUDIENCE claps.**
LOCKHART: As I was saying, her hobbies include playing Exploding Snape...Snap, I said Snap!! And writing imaginary love letters to Harry Potter.
GINNY: Excu-use me? Where did you get that?
HARRY: You write love letters to me?
SIRIUS: She writes love letters to you?
**GINNY is embarrassed, as is HARRY. SIRIUS looks bewildered, while LOCKHART smiles at everybody and MCGONAGALL purses her lips, not happy with any of this.**
LOCKHART: And our final contestant is Draco Malfoy!
HARRY: Who? That's it, I quit!
LOCKHART: Draco's hobbys include making up false evil spells and...oh dear, better not say that...kids may be watching...
**HARRY, GINNY AND SIRIUS pretend to gag. DRACO looks furious at LOCKHART, but smiles evilly at the AUDIENCE, who are hesitantly clapping.**
LOCKHART: Well, I guess we'd better start the questions. All contestants are on 20. What is my favourite colour?
**Silence. SIRIUS and HARRY exchange glances.**
LOCKHART: Anyone?
**BEEEEP!!**
LOCKHART: Harry?
HARRY: Pink?
**SIRIUS sniggers.**
LOCKHART: Sorry, the answer's lilac.
**GINNY giggles in disbelief.**
GINNY(whispering to HARRY): Is he gay?
HARRY: Probably.
LOCKHART: OK, next question. Ginny, Sirius and Draco are on 20, while Harry is on 15.
**DRACO smirks.**
LOCKHART: What is one of my secret ambitions?
**silence.**
LOCKHART: Come on, I state it clearly in Weekend with a Werewolf.
**BEEEEP!!**
LOCKHART: Ginny?
GINNY: To win Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award again?
**DRACO sniggers.**
DRACO: Is that the best guess you can come up with? I would've guessed becoming a Death Eater.
HARRY: We're talking about Lockhart here, you idiot, not you.
DRACO: Who are you calling an idiot, Pothead?
HARRY: Who do you think?
LOCKHART: Boys, boys, calm down.
DRACO: You calm down, pansy boy.
LOCKHART: Huh?
GINNY: I think he means you're gay.
HARRY: You think?
LOCKHART: Let's continue with the questions, people. And for the record, I'm not gay.
DRACO: Sure you're not.
LOCKHART: How many times have I won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award?
DRACO: None.
LOCKHART: Use your buzzers, people!
SIRIUS (whispering to Harry): Is this guy for real?
HARRY: Who knows?
LOCKHART: I shall repeat the question. How many times have I won Witch Weekly's Most Charming...
**BEEEEP!!**
LOCKHART (beaming): Yes, Draco?
DRACO: I have a question. Who cares?
**BEEEEP!!**
LOCKHART: Ginny?
GINNY: Nobody cares.
LOCKHART: That's not the question! The question is...
**BEEEEP!!**
HARRY: Five times, you nitwit.
LOCKHART: Correct!
SIRIUS: Do you have any idea how degrading that is, Harry?
HARRY: What is?
SIRIUS: The fact you know the answer.
HARRY: He taught us a couple of years ago. And anyway, he wouldn't have shut up, otherwise.
SIRIUS: Good point.
LOCKHART: Score check! You are all on 20!!
DRACO: No shit, Sherlock.
LOCKHART: Name one of my many books.
**BEEEEP!!**
LOCKHART: Yes, Draco?
DRACO: Guide to Male Cross Dressers.
**HARRY snorts, SIRIUS laughs, while GINNY grins, although she tries not to.**
LOCKHART: Sorry, I'm afraid I didn't write that. But no points lost.
**HARRY, SIRIUS, GINNY and DRACO look at LOCKHART in disbelief. MCGONAGALL, over by the prize stand, cannot believe how stupid LOCKHART is.**
LOCKHART: Can anyone name one of my books?
HARRY: Hermione could, but she's not here.
DRACO: Who? The long-molared Mudblood?
HARRY: Oh, shut your face, Malfoy.
DRACO: Make me, Pothead.
HARRY: Sirius, kill him.
SIRIUS: Uh, Harry? I'm NOT a murderer, remember?
HARRY: Oh. Right. Fine.
DRACO: Hahaha, poor Potty's too scared to get me!
HARRY: Stupefy!
**DRACO falls to the ground, Stunned. LOCKHART looks worried. MCGONAGALL undoes the spell.**
LOCKHART: Five points from your score, Harry, that's cheating.
DRACO: Yeah, Pothead, you cheated!
LOCKHART: Next question!
GINNY: No one asked your opinion, did they?
HARRY: Look, there's Professor Dumbledore!
**DRACO jumps and turns around.**
HARRY: Scared little ferret, hey?
**DRACO is furious and embarrassed. HARRY, GINNY and SIRIUS all laugh. LOCKHART is quite bewildered.**
LOCKHART: No one answered my question. What is the title of one of my books?
**silence.**
GINNY: Did you write any?
LOCKHART: Many many many books! Can anyone answer me? Anyone? I mentioned one earlier!
**BEEEEP!!
LOCKHART: Yes Sirius?
SIRIUS: Weekend With a Werewolf?
LOCKHART (pleased): Correct! Five points to Sirius! Score check! Harry, Ginny and Draco are all on 20, and Sirius is on 25.
HARRY: THAT'S degrading, Sirius.
DRACO: Can I ask a question? Are you gay?
LOCKHART: No, I don't really think...
HARRY: Why are we doing this?
GINNY: You just want to go back to Hogwarts and keep making out with your girlfriend.
DRACO: No, that's you, Ginny.
GINNY: What are you implying?
DRACO: We all know your secret, Ginny.
GINNY: Yeah, like how you're mother's a Muggle!
**silence.**
DRACO: Are you saying I'm a Mudblood? No way. My family is as pure as any, you stupid weasel.
GINNY: Ferret.
DRACO: Weasel.
GINNY: Ferret.
LOCKHART: NEXT QUESTION!!
**EVERYONE is silenced. Including the AUDIENCE.**
SIRIUS: If you think this guy's gay, press your buzzers.
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!! SIRIUS presses buzzer for extra emphasis.**
LOCKHART: What is my ideal birthday gift?
DRACO: A cross-dressing kit?
HARRY: I thought that's what YOU wanted, Malfoy.
LOCKHART: No, no, no! I'm not gay, and I'm not a cross-dresser! Now, what is my ideal birthday gift?
**silence.**
GINNY: How old are you?
LOCKHART: Well...
HARRY: Question: Who gives a f*** what your ideal birthday gift is, because, even if I knew when you're birthday is, I wouldn't get you anything.
SIRIUS: Language, Harry!
LOCKHART: I mention it in one of my books.
DRACO: Crack.
LOCKHART: Excuse me? What was that, Draco?
DRACO: This guy can't be for real. He has absolutely no idea.
HARRY: He looks like a marijuana guy to me.
SIRIUS: No way. I KNOW a heroin addict when I see one.
LOCKHART: I'm not a druggie! What is my ideal birthday present?
GINNY: Peace between magical and non-magical people?
DRACO: Little Miss Perfect. (starts mimicking her) 'Peace between all...'
LOCKHART: Correct! And although you didn't use your buzzer, I'll still give you five points! Score check! Harry and Draco are on 20, Sirius and Ginny are on 25.
**SIRIUS yawns.**
LOCKHART: I am an Honorary member of what?
**silence. All CONTESTANTS exchange glances.**
DRACO: Er...The Royal Loser's League?
HARRY: Loser's Anonymous?
SIRIUS: Liar's Academy?
LOCKHART: No, no, no! Come ON people, I am an Honorary member of what? And use your buzzers!
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEEEEP!!**
LOCKHART: Stop that! Stop it! DO NOT press your buzzers unless you want to answer a question, idiots!
HARRY: Can you ask a question that's not about yourself, by any chance?
LOCKHART: What other kind of question is there?
**GINNY and HARRY stare at each other in disbelief. DRACO mouths 'gay', and SIRIUS sort of stares at LOCKHART in amused disbelief.**
SIRIUS: That's it, I'm taking over.
**SIRIUS walks up, pushes LOCKHART aside, and stands where LOCKHART was.**
HARRY: Yay!
DRACO (sarcastically): Oh, goody.
GINNY: Go Sirius!
SIRIUS: Now, where are those question cards? Hey, they're all about that stupid idiot over there! What the hell?
LOCKHART: Well, what do you expect?
SIRIUS: I expect you to shut up unless you're answering a question. And then I want you to press your buzzer. OK. Questions. All scores back to 20, with the exception of Lockhart's, he's on 10.
LOCKHART: That's unf...
SIRIUS: What is the name of the Potion that transforms someone into someone else?
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Harry?
HARRY: Polyjuice Potion.
SIRIUS: Excellent. Five points...how do you know that?
HARRY: Oh, just doing some...research. Yeah. Research.
**HARRY looks around guiltily.**
DRACO: Are you sure about that, Pothead?
GINNY: Shut up, Malfoy.
DRACO: Oh, shut the hell up, Weasel!
GINNY: Ferret.
SIRIUS: Next question! And shut up both of you!
LOCKHART: I do believe...
SIRIUS: At what time of the month does someone turn into a werewolf?
DRACO: Ginny'd know that one!
GINNY: Shut the f*** up, Malfoy!
DRACO: You see, Black, every month girls....
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS (relieved): Yes Harry?
HARRY: During a full moon. And I'd like to know how Malfoy knows about that. Something you're not telling us?
GINNY: I'm thinking I don't WANT to know. Anyway, he's a ferret.
HARRY: A FEMALE ferret, probably.
SIRIUS: CAN we at least TRY and concentrate??
GINNY: Probably not. Next question. Is Malfoy a female ferret?
**BEEEEP!!**
GINNY: Harry?
HARRY: Yes.
DRACO: Go to hell, Pothead.
HARRY: See you there.
SIRIUS: NEXT QUESTION!! Score check!! Um...Lockhart on 10, Ginny and Draco are on 20, and Harry is on 25. We started the scores again, remember?
DRACO: Sure we remember, we're not stupid.
SIRIUS: A Who Am I? question. Lockhart, you need to win this to stay in the game.
LOCKHART: Piece of...
SIRIUS: Who Am I?
**BEEEEP!!**
GINNY: Sirius Black.
SIRIUS: I haven't finished the question, duh. I was born in...
HARRY: Outer space? It's Malfoy.
SIRIUS: No, let me continue! I was born here in...stuff this, Lockhart, you're leaving! Bye!
LOCKHART: I can't leave, I'm the host.
SIRIUS: Not anymore, you sucked at being the host, so now I am. Minerva, kindly guide our, er, guest, to...well, out.
MCGONAGALL: Gladly.
**MCGONAGALL leads LOCKHART out. LOCKHART is not happy, and is threatening MCGONAGALL.**
MCGONAGALL: Shut your face, Lockhart.
SIRIUS: OK, now we're down to three people, thank God.
DRACO: I could kill Potter, then we'd be down to two people.
HARRY: Whatever. What about if we just kill you? Two birds with one stone. Only two people left, and you'd be dead!
SIRIUS: Can we stop the death threats, by any chance?
GINNY: I'm not making any. Next question. Can we just finish this game? I win, let's go home.
DRACO: Since when does a Weasel win anything?
GINNY: Ever heard of a smart ferret?
SIRIUS: Next question. What is one way to get rid of Dementors?
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Harry?
HARRY: A Patronus.
DRACO: How would he know? He faints whenever he sees one!
HARRY: Maybe so, but I'm surprised your mother doesn't faint all the time.
DRACO: Why?
HARRY: She looks at you, right?
SIRIUS: Score check! Ginny and Draco are on 20, Harry's on 30. Some, er, Muggle questions now. We had to watch the show to get material. Ever see The Weakest Link?
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: It wasn't a question, dumbass!!
DRACO: Who are you calling a dumbass, pansy boy?
GINNY: Is that the only insult you can come up with?
SIRIUS: How many 'I's in Mississippi?
**silence.**
HARRY: What kind of a question is that? And by the way, the answer's four.
SIRIUS: Correct! Press the buzzer next time. That goes to all of you.
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: After I ask the question, duh!
DRACO: How was I to know that?
HARRY: I guess he thought you had brains. Ah well, his mistake.
SIRIUS: What movie, in theatres now/recently, stars Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor? Who made these questions? They're too damn easy!
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Yes, Draco?
DRACO: Shrek.
**Stunned silence. GINNY and HARRY exchange glances. GINNY giggles.**
SIRIUS: You don't get out much, do you?
DRACO: What, what? Wipe that smile off your face, Weasel!
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Ginny?
GINNY: Moulin Rouge.
SIRIUS: Correct! Five points for Ginny! Score check!
DRACO: Ginny used to work in the Moulin Rouge. Potter knew that, he went there all the time.
HARRY: If that were true, you must have been there to, to know that we were there. Which we weren't. We weren't around then, dumbass.
DRACO: Shut the f*** up, Potter!!
SIRIUS: SCORE CHECK!! Draco's on 20, Ginny's on 25, Harry's on 35. How pathetic are you people? OK. Next question. What old Muggle comedy show featured Rowan Atkinson, Stephen Fry and Miranda Richardson?
**silence.**
SIRIUS: That is a hard question, what's the answer? Let's make it a Who Am I?!
DRACO: He's not much better than Lockhart.
SIRIUS: Shut up. OK, Who Am I? I am a Muggle TV comedy show that was made God knows how many years ago.
The main character was played by Rowan Atkinson, the Queen by Miranda Richardson, and Lord Melchett by Stephen Fry.
**silence.**
HARRY: Who Am I? I'm on Sale of the Century at the moment. I am totally bored because of the gay questions we've been asked. My parents are dead, thank God, I do NOT want them to see me on this show.
GINNY: You're Harry Potter.
HARRY: No, I'm Malfoy. His parents died.
DRACO: WHAT?!
HARRY: Hahaha, just kidding!
SIRIUS: Can anyone answer MY question?
GINNY: What was it again?
SIRIUS: Who Am I? I am a Muggle TV comedy...
HARRY: Isn't the time up yet? 'Cause I give up.
DRACO: What's the show, Blacky boy?
SIRIUS: Blackadder.
GINNY: Huh?
SIRIUS: The show's called Blackadder...time to get rid of one of you. None of you got the Who Am I?, so the person with the lowest score leaves. Bye bye Draco.
DRACO: YESSSSS!!!
**MCGONAGALL guides DRACO off the set. DRACO is extremely happy.**
SIRIUS: OK, the Mad Minute...hehehe, what kind of gay name is that?
HARRY: Get on with it so we can get OUT OF HERE!
SIRIUS: Bite-oh. Um...finish this sentence...Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and....
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Yes, Harry?
HARRY: Prongs, smart ass.
SIRIUS: Very good. Score check! Ginny's on 25, Harry's on 40.
GINNY: Oh, man, I'm losing!!
SIRIUS: Harry, you have the chance to, um, buy something. What have you got for us, Minerva?
MCGONAGALL: This lovely *cough*whatever*cough* tent supplied by...um, I don't know. This, er, lovely tent! Valued at ten galleons, it's yours, for...ten galleons!
HARRY: Rip off. You've GOT to be joking.
MCGONAGALL: Look, do you want it, or not?
HARRY: Or not, thank you.
MCGONAGALL: Your loss.
**Bell rings.**
MCGONAGALL: And look, you could've won five hundred galleons! Sucker!!
HARRY: Why you little...
SIRIUS: Next question! OK, I'll ask five questions, no arguing, winner takes home...the five hundred galleons, OK?
GINNY: Bring it on!
SIRIUS: What colour eyes does a Birman cat have?
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Ginny was first. Ginny?
GINNY: Blue.
SIRIUS: Correct! Next question...what is You-Know-Who's real name? OK, that question is just...
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Harry?
HARRY: Voldemort. Unless you want all of it. Lord Voldemort, the Dark Lord, Tom Riddle Jr...
SIRIUS: That'll do. Um...OK, now this question really sucks. Who is, or rather, was, the host of this show?
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
SIRIUS: Ginny, you were first.
HARRY: No way, no way, I was soo first! The answer's Lockhart!
GINNY: I was first, he said so, and it's Gilderoy Lockhart.
HARRY: I was first, and anyway, I said it first. You're cheating.
GINNY: Oh, go to hell, Potter.
HARRY: What was it you said? Oh yeah. Go f*** a tree!
SIRIUS: You both get points! Stop arguing! Next question!!
HARRY: That's gay, I answered first! She copied! OK, now I'm mad!
GINNY: Ooh, we're scared!
**HARRY goes up to SIRIUS.**
HARRY: Sorry, Sirius, you're outta here. Take my spot, I'M asking the questions now!
**SIRIUS goes to HARRY'S spot. HARRY clears his throat.**
HARRY: Ahem. Score check. Ginny's on 35, Sirius is on 50. Wow, I was doing well!! Two more questions to go!
GINNY: That's not fair, I can't win!
HARRY: Exactly.
**GINNY pouts.**
HARRY: OK, let me just find a question that isn't totally stupid. Aha! The cry of the Mandrake is what?
**silence.**
GINNY: Annoying?
SIRIUS: Loud?
HARRY: Oh, geez. The cry of the Mandrake can be...what?
GINNY: Annoying. Very annoying.
SIRIUS: Er...loud? Oh, come on, you think I listened in that class?
HARRY: The answer's fatal, brainiacs!! You both lose points!
GINNY: If you'd just ask the question properly...
HARRY: Final question. Out of the five people here originally, Lockhart, Ginny, Sirius, myself and Malfoy, who is the most hated?
GINNY: Malfoy.
SIRIUS: Lockhart.
HARRY: Ever heard of buzzers?
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
**BEEEEP!!**
HARRY: OK, OK, enough! Ginny was first. Your answer would be?
GINNY: I told you, smart ass. Malfoy.
HARRY: I agree with that, but Lockhart also pisses me off. So it's a tie between them. Final scores: Ginny on 35, Sirius (myself, actually) on 50. So, Ginny loses, we win, big deal, let's get out of here!
ANNOUNCER GUY: Remember to watch the Animorphs battle it out tomorrow on Saaaaale of the Century!!
**SIRIUS, GINNY, LOCKHART, MCGONAGALL, DRACO AND HARRY all do the corny Saaaale of the Century wave, smiling continually. Credits come on, scene darkens, show is over. Channel Nine thingy comes up, and now we change the channel and watch...whatever's on.**
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whew! It's over!! I thought it'd go on forever!! Don't ask where that came from. I got bored, and....well. And no, I don't think I'll do an Animorphs one. God. Give me SOME credit. Um, no, I don't watch Sale of the Century. I used to, but it got really stupid, so I stopped watching. Please review!! After all that work, I need reviews to know whether it was a waste of time or actually WORTH anything. Now, wouldn't that be something? Not as in money, but as in an OK fic, or whatever. Flames aren't exactly welcome, but if you really need to flame, then by all means, do so! I can't write fics with a plot. I tried, I failed, they all suck after reading everyone else's. So I think I'll stick to lists and stuff like this...unless this sucks too, then I'll just....ah, stuff you, I'll just keep writing!!
Now, there's a little box below for typing in. That is where you type your reviews. Good, bad, total flames, write what you think!! Any response is good!!
Disclaimer: Nothing's mine
Half-Claimer: I own the last line of the reviewing thingy, Alundra owns the rest.
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so you will be.
So be prepared,
To review for me!!
Luv y'all!!
*Dragonlady*~