Illusions...of the Heart

by The Demon Princess

Chuin's history and his transformation into Tomo. A little yaoi, not much. (We're talking about Tomo !) Implied rape, heavy langauge. It's a complex story, this summary doesn't do it justice. I've worked quite hard on it, hope you R&R. Thank DayShadow & S

Illusions...of the Heart

(To let you know, this story is going to go back and forth from first person to third person.)

Chuin rested on the damp grass by the bank of a river, his glossy eyes stared blankly at the sky. Something that was very important had died beneath them. It seemed as if the spark of life itself had vanished from his gaze. He let out a soft sigh.

~¤Chuin¤~

The sky is so big... It makes me feel so small, it makes me feel so weak. I am weak, I guess.

I force myself into an upright position and instantly regret it as white fire shoots up my spine. Gritting my teeth, I bite back a scream as I fall back down on the grass. I guess will have to try to get up again later.

I never fight them anymore. I don't cry out, I don't beg them to stop. Did I ever? I don't remember. Have I been broken? Perhaps, I don't know... I never dreamed abuse could come in so many forms. Mentally, physically, sexually.

My thoughts are just babbling now but it's okay. It gives me something to focus on, other than the pain. Another soft sigh escapes my lips.

One day, I'll run away... With Kokoro and Nokutan, we'll all run away. Everyone thinks I'm in love with Kokoro, and I am... Just as my imouto though. The one I love...

Shaking my head, I banish the thought. I like to let my thoughts wander, just not that far.

I'll just let everyone think I truly love Kokoro, for now. I know Nokutan loves her more, and in the way that I'm supposed to. I don't think Kokoro minds, neither does Nokutan.

I can't stand the pain anymore. It never lessens, it just stays there. A ache that refuses to leave me. I reach into my pocket and bring out my savior. Flipping open the shell I step into my illusion. Immediately, I am placed in a place of blissful ecstasy.

I am in the arms of one of the only people I trust... Nokutan doesn't harm me, instead he holds me and whispers soothing thoughts into my ear. Then Kokoro joins us, she cradles my head in her lap blessing me with her angelic laughter. They don't hurt me. In fact, the do the exact opposite, they comfort me. My head is resting on Kokoro's stomach as she runs her hands through my dark locks, Nokutan rests his head on my chest. In an endless field of white blossoms, we lay in peace. We know no pain, we know no suffering. Nokutan would draw out his willow flute and play us a soft melody as butterflies of gold shades dance around us, showing off their painted wings. I could die here and I still wouldn't mind, for I would be dying in the arms of my loved ones....

The illusions never lasted for they drained me of my energy. I couldn't keep one up for more than five minutes, and I couldn't let more than one person enter the illusion. It strained me too much in my weakened state.

~¤Chuin¤~

"Chuin is back, Nokutan." Kokoro's soft voice called as she looked up from her work. She was a girl at the tender age of fourteen. Her had long, cascading black hair that reached her waist. Her eyes were a soft brown, her lips were a crimson red, and her cheeks were touched with a rosy glow. Few would suspect how she was treated, though the lack of life behind her soft eyes gave her away.

"I'm surprised he can still walk after what those fuckin' bastards did to him." Nokutan's deep voice swore. Nokutan was six years older than Kokoro. His hair was an gold color and his eyes were an ice blue. He kept his hair tied back in a short ponytail that reached the nape of his neck. He wore two earrings, they were gold but ended in a sapphire jewel. His language was rough and blunt, he didn't try to sugarcoat a thing. Most women couldn't stand him, but Kokoro adored him. It was hard to believe that such a rough natured man could play gentle melodies on a flute, of all instruments.

"That was awful mean for even you, Nokutan." Kokoro scolded.

"Well, could you walk? Could I walk? ...Hell no! Simple as that. He's a real tough one. I don't know what keeps him goin'." Nokutan shrugged and got back to his work. Kokoro glared at him for a moment before rushing out to meet Chuin.

~¤Chuin¤~

When I returned Kokoro bombarded me with questions, as I suspected she would.

"Are you alright, Chuin? Would you like to sit... Anou, lie down? How about I get you come tea?" Kokoro grasps me by the shoulders gently. She, much to my relief, lets go as I wince, "Ah, gomen!"

"It's okay, I just got a few bruises. They're a little tender, that's all." I shrug it off as Nokutan finally comes to meet us.

"Still alive?" He asked.

"No." I reply, rather flatly.

"Yeah, but then again, who here is?" Nokutan smiles and slaps me on the back, "Well, let's get inside. Damn, you're walkin', can't believe it. You've got Seiryuu's luck, ya know?"

"I have luck?" I grin. I felt better when my friends are with me. They know how I feel, though I sometimes wish they didn't. Nokutan caught my smile.

"Yeah, I know how ya feel." He grins too. "It's no fun ta suffer alone, but don't get me wrong! I don't want ya draggin' us down with ya!"

"Oh, shut up, Nokutan." Kokoro playfully whacks Nokutan on the back of his head.

"I'll get you both out of here, I promise." I say in a soft, barely audible voice. Kokoro shakes her head slightly.

"And I'll get to marry the emperor of Konan. It's a dream, Chuin, face it." Kokoro sighs sadly.

"Chuin..." Nokutan sighs, his voice pained, "I know you're only a year younger, but you're dense aren't you? We're gonna die here, in pain. Don't you remember the last time we tried to escape?" Nokutan raises his voice when neither of us answers, "Fine! I'll remind you!" He pulled up his shirt, revealing his back. Angry scars marked Nokutan's skin.

"And the wounds don't stop there. Show him, Kokoro. Show him." Nokutan's voice was dripping with fury, not at me, but at the ones who inflict pain upon us. With regretful eyes, Kokoro pulls down the collar of her shirt slightly. She carries painful scars as well.

"What about you, Chuin?" Nokutan asks. I lower my eyes, shaking my head. I gesture to my thighs. Kokoro's hand flew to her mouth.

"I didn't know they punished you too..." I whisper with regret.

"Yeah, well you had it worse off, come on, let's go get some sake and see if we can get a hangover, alright?" Nokutan grins.

"I'd rather not..." I shrug. "I don't drink, Nokutan."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll see you later then." Nokutan begins to walk off but he turns back a bit and grins, "Kokoro, you're a bitch ya know that?"

"Who are you calling a bitch, bastard?" Kokoro replied. Every once in a while, they bickered for no good reason, getting unfortunate me caught right in the middle of it all.

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Bitchy josei."

"Drunken bastard."

"Oh yeah, I better go get wasted, see ya." This time Nokutan really walks off.

"Please don't be upset by him," Kokoro whispers, "he's had it rougher than you know. He's endured these things since he was nine." Kokoro lowers her eyes, her breath coming in choked sobs.

"It's okay, Kokoro... I know, the cruelty of one's past can change their outlook on life." I shook my head sadly. I hate when Kokoro cries, it tears at my heart. I hesitate, then draw Kokoro into a warm embrace. She tenses for a moment before surrendering to the warmth of my arms around her.

"Arigatou, Chuin."

"....Kokoro...." I shake my head; I know she loves me with all her heart. She would easily surrender her mind, heart, body, and soul to me... But I know she is chasing a star she can never catch; I can't return her love the way she wants me to. I want to, Seiryuu knows I want to... I just can't... For now, I'll give her my love, but only as her oniichan. I wish I could do more... I wish...

~¤Chuin¤~

It happened too fast... Everything was a blur... What happened? I ran over my memories of the last few moments.

' "Damnit! Chuin! Damnit! Get a fucking illusion over yourself!" Nokutan cursed as he ducked another arrow.

"Demo... What about you two?" Chuin asked.

"Hell with the two of us!" Nokutan's voice had grown cold. "I'll be damned if I let you die here with us today!"

"What are you saying?! There is no way that you two are dying!" Chuin protested.

"I'm sorry Chuin," Kokoro sighed, "but they'll kill every living thing in sight, in sight, Chuin! Hide within your illusions! Please!" Chuin gave a tearful nod as he took out shin. He began to withdraw his physical body into it, but decided he had to do something before.

"Kokoro, this is just because I feel as if I need to." Chuin leaned over and pressed a soft, gentle kiss on her lips. Kokoro was too shocked to speak. "Don't get me wrong, Kokoro. That wasn't a goodbye kiss. It was a kiss that is going to make sure we'll all be together after this is all over, alright?" Kokoro gave him a small smile.

"Dai su..." He shook his head. "Watashi dai suki Nokutan." Kokoro didn't gasp, act shocked, or act disgusted. She merely nodded, her smile growing.

"I know..." She shook her head slowly. "I know, but I'll say it anyway. If I don't I know I'll regret it... I love you, Chuin. With my heart, with my soul."

"Yeah, yeah! Enough with the mush! Just get the hell outta sight!" Nokutan spat at Chuin. "I'll be damned if you die here with us! Kokoro won't stop bitching at me if ya die so get the hell outta here!"

"..." Chuin held the shell close. Kokoro gazed sadly at him as he faded away.

I kneel next to Kokoro's body, "K-kokoro..." I scoop up her trembling form in my arms, her eyes flutter open.

"C-chuin... I love you, Chuin..." She whispers, my heart feels as if it's tearing itself apart.

"Kokoro..." I feel my eyes begin to water, "Onegai, don't leave me..." I beg uselessly, we both know that.

"I love you, Chuin... I wish you could love me back... I wish I-" I feel her body relax in my arms, she's gone.

"Kokoro.... I wish I could too..." I ease her back onto the ground as I move to Nokutan.

"Hey, Nokutan, are you still alive?" I whisper.

"Nah, I died years ago." Nokutan chokes out.

"Right, right." I reply.

"Help me... Sit up, will ya, Chuin?" I nod numbly, he coughs weakly as I help him into an upright position. The strip of cloth that ties his hair together undoes itself and drifts away in the breeze. His golden hair spills across his face and shoulders. A large slash across Nokutan's chest was pouring blood.

"Nokutan..." Now the tears flow in streams down my cheeks.

"Well, before I die, there's somthin' I wanna do... If Kokoro bitches at me later for this, I'm blamin' you, aight?" Nokutan reaches up and... He takes a trembling hand and places it behind my head. He pulls my head closer to his and.... His warm lips press against mine. Nokutan... Nokutan's eyes suddenly widen in pain and he breaks away. He lets his breath out with a low hiss.

"Nokutan...?" I ask.

"Now that, was a goodbye kiss." Nokutan tried to smile, but instead winced in pain, "If Kokoro bitches at me for it, I'm comin' back ta haunt ya. Got it?"

"Nokutan! Iie! Onegai, don't leave me alone! Kokoro... She's dead, now you... Onegai... What will happen to me?" I plead and plead for it's just about the only thing I can do....

"How old are you? You're actin' like a fuckin' little kid!" Nokutan swore.

"Nokutan..." I could do nothing as death claimed him nothing at all.

"Kokoro... Nokutan..." I clutch Nokutan's limp form and sob ceaselessly into his chest, "Kokoro... Nokutan..."

~¤Chuin¤~

Chuin stood up, alone. In the midst of the destruction, a single butterfly fluttered into sight. A single, golden butterfly. It landed on Kokoro's face, fanning it's wings slowly.

"Butterflies..." Chuin whispered out-loud. Yes, butterflies. In his illusions, there were always butterflies.

~¤~

The sheer shock of watching the ones he loved so dearly perish sent him to the brink of insanity. His body counteracted this by erasing the shock, basically forgetting the memories of Kokoro and Nokutan. With giant voids in his memory, Chuin kept his sanity but lost himself. His mind was so confused and lost, he had givin up the will to live. He didn't know where to go or what to do, so he just chose a random direction and began to walk.

~¤Chuin¤~

He had been wandering aimlessly for a year now. With no past and apparently no future.

The rain blurred vision and his legs threatened to give away from under him. The engulfing darkness of the blackened clouds impaired his vision. His breaths came in gasps, he was panting in exhaustion. Just as he had resigned himself to a dying a lonely death, fate granted his miserable life extension. A large city came into view, Kutou-koku. As thunder crashed overhead he wearily, he altered his course for Kutou.

The interior of the city was bleak and desolate. It was then that the rain began to pour. He practically flung his passport at the guards at the gate, and he didn't even bother getting it back.

He leaned against a nearby wall to rest and to take a closer look at his surroundings, it turned out to be a less than wise choice. A pair of cold hands clamped themselves over his mouth. Another person's hand secured his wrists behind him while it's other arm wraps around his waist rendering him immobile. Three more figures emerged from the depths of the shadows and began to advance upon him. Panic bubbled in the back of Chuin's mind. He recalled being in this situation before. But he couldn't remember how, when, or even why it happened. Chuin made a feeble attempt at struggling, but his broken and battered body would not obey his commands. He gave up his attempts at struggling, surrendering to his captors. His only wish now was to be able to slip out of consciousness quickly.

One of the men ran his fingers though Chuin's silver-black hair. Chuin shuddered involuntarily at the touch.

"He looks rather pretty for a man." another man laughed.

"I don't usually indulge myself in men, but you'll do just fine." The man that had been holding his mouth shut released his grip and kneeled down in front of him. The knot in Chuin's belt slowly came undone, and he gulped fearfully.

"Shut up." another man muttered. He clubbed the victim in the head, inadvertently granting Chuin's silent wish for a quick knockout.

When he awoke, cold and vulnerable. The rain was still beating down on him, it stung painfully as it pelted mercilessly on his bare skin like needles. He rubbed the sore spot on his head and visually scanned the area for his discarded pants. His clam shell had fallen a few inches from his grasp. If he could reach that shell, he could escape... His hopes shattered as one of his captors stepped between the clam shell and his outstretched arm. The man before him smirked and began to fumble with his own belt. Chuin shut his eyes tightly, he barely dared to hope that it would be over soon. He wasn't sure he could survive if five men had their way with him, and frankly, he didn't really care. He let out a soft whimper as he was pinned to the cold and wet ground. The throbbing in his head finally drew him back into the world of darkness.

~¤Chuin¤~

Nakago found himself walking along the back streets of Kutou. He was almost drenched by the pounding rain, he knew he shouldn't have gone out that day. He was about to make a right turn that would lead him out of the back streets when a faint blue glow caught his eye. He decided to find it's origin.

When he arrived at the scene he found five men forcing themselves upon another man, another unconscious man.

"Scum." He muttered as he blasted away thugs with a single burst of chi. That's when he really saw it, the origin of the blue light. It was the mark of a Seiryuu seishi, it read 'root', the mark of the Seiryuu shichi seishi Tomo. He shook his head at the man's state of undress. He removed his own cloak and was in the process of wrapping Tomo in it when he saw that one of his arms was outstretched. Nakago assumed he must have been reaching out from something before he passed out. Nakago's gaze moved in the direction to which the arm pointed until his eyes landed on a single clam shell. It looked of little importance to Nakago, but he pocketed the shell all the same. He then went back to Tomo and picked him up effortlessly. He carefully made his way back to the palace.

~¤Tomo¤~

'I feel warm, so very, very warm...' My head throbs as much as ever and my body achs all over, yet I am very warm and comfortable. My eyes flutter open, my vision is blurry at first but comes into focus after a few seconds. I find myself gazing into deep, ice blue eyes, golden locks of hair are dangling above me. For some reason, the haunting melody of a flue dances into my mind.

"So you have finally awoken, Tomo."

'Tomo....?'

~¤Tomo¤~

Tomo applied the last stroke of paint and admired his work. It was a symbolic mask, red, white, black, and blue. His outfit was red and black, or at least it was supposed to. He added gold to the mix though he didn't know quite why. 'Gold,' He thought, 'gold is for taste.'

~¤Tomo¤~

'I don't believe it... I failed Nakago-sama...' Tomo thought in despair. Suboshi's Ryuuseisui had literally ripped him apart, "G-gomen nasai.. N-nakago-sama...." Even as death claimed him, all he could think of was a pair of ice-blue eyes, silken locks of golden hair, and the haunting melody of the flute. His body slumped lifelessly to the ground.

~¤Tomo¤~

Tomo felt warm white light press against his eyelids, he let them flutter open. He found himself standing alone in what seemed to be an endless void of white. Though, upon closer inspection, it turned out he was a thick carpet of white blossoms and the sky had fluffy clouds piled atop one another until no blue skies could be seen.

"Took ya long enough, Chuin." A low, masculine voice called.

"Chuin! You're finally here!" A feminine voice giggled.

"You're really a bitch, ya know?"

"Who are you calling a bitch, bastard?"

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Bitchy josei."

"Drunken bastard."

"Whatever."

Tomo saw an two outlines of white light approach him, as they got closer they grew brighter. They grew to a level of brightness were Tomo had to shield his eyes from the blinding light. Then it abruptly faded, Tomo slowly lowered his hand. The wind suddenly picked, parting the clouds until the sun could be seen, basking them in a golden light. A young lady and man stood before him. The young lady was wearing a flowing, ivory tinted gown of silk with a delicately spun lace entwining with the folds of the dress. She had soft brown eyes and ebony hair that cascaded down her back. A crimson flower was carefully tucked behind her ear, adding to her already obvious beauty. The young man was wearing a loose, white pull-on shirt and lavender pants. His golden hair was pulled back in a ponytail at the nape of his neck, two sapphire earrings glistened in the warm rays of the sun. He smirked ever so slightly as he faced Tomo, letting him see his ice-blue eyes.

"N-nakago...?" Tomo asked.

"Eh, I think this bastard's forgotten us." the man grinned at his companion.

"That wasn't very nice, and you shouldn't be talking," the lady teased. It took a few moments for her remark to sink in, when it did...

"Hey!"

"What's going on...?" Tomo asked.

"Better remind him," the lady suggested, the man nodded. He held his hand out before him and focused. A willow or reed flute, Tomo couldn't tell, appeared in his hand. The man brought the flute to his lips and began to play a hauntingly beautiful melody, the same melody that had drifted into Tomo's mind when he had first met Nakago. The supple tone of the melody told Tomo it was indeed a willow flute. As if on cue, hundreds of golden butterflies claimed the sky. A gentle breeze swept through that plain, combing though the flowers. The petals of many flowers came loose and the trio was showered in silken petals. Memories suddenly flooded back.

' "Play another!" a young woman's voice called.

"Aww... Hell, you know I can't say no ta ya. Fine, but this is really the last time," shaking his head, a older man brought a flute to his lips.

"Nokutan, you're such a pushover when it comes to Kokoro," another man, with a softer voice teased. Tomo reconized this man as himsel, but yet it wasn't, it was a man Tomo had once been. A young man named Ryu Chuin at age twenty and his friends. Nokutan at age twenty-one and Kokoro at age fourteen. After Nokutan had finished playing his song, Kokoro immediately begged him for another.

"Kokoro, you're a bitch, ya know that?" Nokutan teased.

"Look who's talking, bastard,"

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Bitch."

"Bastard."

"Bitchy josei."

"Drunken bastard."

"Whatever," Nokutan grunted, "Hey, Chuin, you want another song too?"

"If you're feeling up to it," Chuin replied. '

More memories flooded in, good ones, bad ones, from the oldest to most recent. Tomo was sent to his knees as the last one resurfaced.

'"Dai su..." He shook his head. "Watashi dai suki Nokutan."

"I know, but I'll say it anyway. If I don't I know I'll regret it... I love you, Chuin. With my heart, with my soul." '

He remembered everything now, Tomo slumped forward onto the carpet of flowers, unable to handle the rush of so many lost memories returning.

~¤Chuin¤~

"Chuin!" Kokoro cried in alarm, "Nokutan, is he alright?" She rushed over to Tomo and cradled his head in her arms.

"Guess he passed out from the rush of hellish memories or sumthin' like that," Nokutan shrugged. Kokoro shook him gently by the shoulders.

"Chuin, wake up, Chuin..." she called. Chuin's eyes fluttered open, his gaze looked rather weary.

"Kokoro.... Nokutan...." Chuin smiled as his gaze met the warm smiles of his best friends.

"Chuin.... I missed you so much." Kokoro's voice was tearful as she laid down on the bed of flowers beneath her. She was pleasantly surprised when Chuin rested his head on her stomach.

"Hey, Nokutan, do me a favor will ya?" Chuin asked.

"What?" Nokutan replied.

"Just rest your head on my chest, will ya?" Chuin requested.

"Erm... Aight." Nokutan shrugged and did as he was told, the three found this position rather relaxing. Kokoro unconsciously combed her fingers though Chuin's dark locks. Nokutan brought his flute to his lips and played another song for them, Chuin found himself drifting off into sleep. His eyelids were beginning to slide shut when Kokoro suddenly sat up, forcing Chuin and Nokutan to sit up as well.

"I've been practicing for a year now, so I want to see who has the best evil laugh!" Kokoro grinned.

"Alright!" Nokutan hollered. Chuin sweatdropped, had his friends gone insane while he was alive? "I'll go first!" Nokutan threw his head back, "BWAHAHAHA!" he roared.

"Mine's still better," Kokoro boasted. She smirked impishly and her eyes narrowed, staring at no one in particular. "...hu...hu...hu..." She cackled, Nokutan and Chuin both sweatbeaded.

"What 'bout you, Chuin? Can you top somethin' as freaky as that?" Nokutan asked.

"Well...." Chuin grinned, 'Thank you Nakago-sama!' he had learned something worthwhile after all. He brought his hand to his mouth as a giggling girl would. His eyes slid closed as he tilted his head back slightly, "Kakakakakaka!"

"You win! You win!" Kokoro and Nokutan automatically admitted defeat.

"You two must have too much time on your hands..." Chuin glanced around the field, what were they going to do for the rest of eternity?

"Well, there's more to this place than just this you know," Kokoro pointed to the horizon line, "Once we pass that we'll be in a city. Want to go?"

"Let's bust the hell out of this girlish place! I want to go get me some booze!" Nokutan whooped.

"...you'll never change..." Chuin mused.

"...but that's okay, we don't want you to change." Kokoro finished for Chuin. Kokoro and Chuin winked at each other. The three friends wandered off into the distance chatting happily.

Back in the field of flowers, the endless carpet of white was broken by a single shadowed spot in it's midst. A single clam shell rested in the shadows of the flowers there. There it lay, forgotten, for it wasn't needed anymore.

~¤Owari¤~

If you would like me to explain anything, please e-mail me. The full impact of this story is the mystery, but getting things explained helps too. Just e-mail me with your questions and I'll be more than happy to answer.