Alex as Cletus the slack-Jawed Yokel? Is it impossible? No, and it can be done, as you will see in this chapter. Am I a genius or what?

"Clear, I came by your house because.....................Because you left your...........Protractor, at school, and er.........I thought you might need it back or.....Something, you know.......So, can I come in? Get a cup of coffee or something? I walked all the way over here to give you this, I just thought, maybe..........If you wanted me to come over......er, anytime, then maybe-."

Suddenly the door swung open quickly.

"Billy?" Clear asked in a shocked voice. "What the hell are you doing outside my house?"

In a moment of nervousness Billy forgot his carefully planned speech.

"Er.......Nice door handle you got there," he replied pathetically.

"Yeah. You noticed."

"Look, Clear, what I meant to say was that I wanted to come into your house and get a cup of coffee, so that maybe, if you wanted me, anytime-."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Wait, scratch that. I mean, you left your......Protractor at school today. I thought you might need it," Billy answered finally. Clear sighed, and scanned him up and down briefly.

"So, where is it?"

"Er........Ooops!" Billy replied in a fake kind of way. "I guess I left it at home, and after I walked all the way over to your house as well-."

"Billy, you live just down the street."

Clear was holding onto the door now, as if she was going to slam it in his face. She glanced at her watch.

"Look, it's 11pm, I'm going to bed. I think you better go home."

"Why don't you want to go out with me?" Billy blurted out suddenly.

"What?"

"I mean, is there something wrong with me or what? Am I too much of a square for you Clear?"

Clear looked shocked and shook her head.

"No. You're not a square Billy. It's just.........."

"It's the cap isn't it?" Billy answered for her. He took the red backwards baseball cap off his head. "Well, you know what? If the caps all that's stopping me hooking up with you, I'll get rid of it."

He threw the cap as far as he could over the bushes. "There. Happy now?"

"Billy, can we talk about this some other time?" Clear asked, beginning to feel increasingly awkward.

"Oh man, you mean it wasn't the cap? I threw my best cap away for nothing?" Billy began to look really upset and glanced across at the hedge as if he was wondering whether there was any hope of him getting his baseball cap back. Clear noticed his expression.

"I'll get it in the mornng," she told him.

"Thanks," Billy replied sadly. He scratched the back of his neck. "You know, I should have realised I was wasting your time."

"Billy-."

"No, it's okay Clear. I'm a geek, and your the arty loner and-."

"What do you mean, the 'arty loner'?"

"Er....Well, that's just what-."

"That's just what everyone thinks of me is it? The arty loner Marilyn Manson body pierced freak?"

"I never said that," Billy replied.

Clear sighed. "I know," she said, looking down at the ground, holding the door with one hand. "But that's what people think......Isn't it?"

"Who cares what they think?" Billy replied stubbornly. He took a step up onto the porch. "It doesn't matter. I think you're beautiful Clear."

Clear smiled awkwardly, not used to receiving compliments from anyone.

"No, I'm not."

"Er.........Yeah, you are," Billy persisted, suddenly feeling shy. "Listen, Clear, I'm gonna go now-."

"Oh Billy," Clear replied suddenly. "You're so sweet."

Billy smiled faintly.

"I- I am?"

"Yeah. You are."

Billy looked pleased then. He felt chuffed to bits with himself. Suddenly feeling like a cocky git, he tried his best to stand in a cool kind of way. He leaned casually on the porch door frame.

"Great," he said smugly. "All this 'Mr. Sensitive' crap has finally paid off."

"Hey, Billy," Clear replied also sounding smug. "I changed my mind. Why don't you step inside for a moment?"

"To do what?"

Clear looked him right in the eye. "Oh, I've got a few ideas."

"Me too!" Billy replied stupidly. "Hey, around this time of night, I usually swing my cat around my head and throw it out the window."

Clear's jaw suddenly dropped open in shock.

"NO WAY! That's what I like doing too!"

"What a reach!" Billy yelled. "We have more in common than you think Miss Rivers."

Clear just grabbed him by the collar and dragged him inside the house.

Nervously, Alex pushed open the door of the bar and stepped inside, followed by Tod. They scanned the bar with their eyes. There were quite a lot of people sitting around on the various chairs, and the air was thick and heavy with smoke.

"Great," Alex commented as he tried to look cool, calm and collected. "This is gonna be Razor."

"Since when do you say 'Razor'?" Tod replied, feeling edgy and snappy. "It's just soooooooo Disturbing Behaviour."

"Hey, shut up, the barman's looking at us!" Alex hissed suddenly in Tod's ear. He caught the barman's eye, who looked them up and down suspiciously. Alex waved, trying his best to look friendly.

"Oh, hey there," he called out across the smoky room.

They walked as casually as they could over to the bar and made themselves comfortable on some stools. The barman stopped cleaning out a beer glass briefly to speak to them.

"So," the barman began. "What the hell brings you two here?"

"Nothing," Tod snapped back, almost giving the game away. "We're just a couple of twenty one year old guys looking for a drink. You got a problem with that?"

"Come on," the barman persisted. "You," he pointed at Alex, who was looking down at the bar. "You look screwed up kid. What's up?"

Alex raised his head slowly to meet the barman's eyes.

"Me?" He asked uncertainly. The barman gave a slight nod. "I got problems. Real problems."

"Yeah, he's psychic," Tod interrupted.

"Everybody hates me," Alex continued, trying his best to make the barman feel sorry for him. "I got fired from the potato factory and my chick keeps telling me to buy a better apartment. It's all downhill from here. I'm going under. I've got nothing left. I betted all my money on the greyhounds."

"Twelve hundred dollars," Tod added.

"I've even sold both my kidneys on the black market for a new set of tyres for my Mustang," Alex carried on, trying to sound as convincing as possible. "Brandine keeps telling me, Cletus, you gotta get yourself a proper job down the cracker factory, but I ain't no good at crackers. Only potatoes. Potatoes were my whole world man."

"That's too bad," the barman sympathised. "You sound really messed up."

"Yeah, I am. If I don't get a new job before the baby arrives, me, Brandine and Joey are gonna have to live out our suitcases," Alex concluded his harrowing tale of Slack-Jawed Yokel heartbreak.

"So your chicks having a baby?" The barman asked as he put another clean glass back on the shelf.

Alex suddenly looked indignant.

"Well it ain't mine," he replied sharply. "Brandine always was the type to play away. I suppose you can't blame her, what with me away at the potatoe factory the whole time. Hell, Joey ain't even mine. He's the result of the time me and Brandine went to the gas station," Alex was trying to drag out his ridiculous tale of woe as long as he could, for no reason except that I think this'll get a cheap laugh out of people. "I only went to the friggin bathroom for gods sakes. Turns out Joey's real dad's this guy named Gary. We ain't never seen him though. Nah, I'm just left to bring up the little bastard ain't I?"

"So, Cletus, do you and your friend want anything to drink?" The barman asked Alex as he wiped round another glass with his teatowel.

"Why not?" Alex replied sadly. Tod sat next to him, totally in awe of his friend for making up such a stupid story on the spot like that.

"What you drinking?"

"Scotch," Alex answered. He turned to Tod as the barman set about getting his drink. "I always wanted to say that," he whispered. The barman put down the glass on the bar.

"And what do you want?" he asked looking at Tod. Tod hesitated for a moment.

"I'll take scotch aswell."

"Excellent choice," the barman told Tod as he poured him a glass. He set it down on the bar and moved off to the other side, where some other customers were waiting.

"Wow dude," Tod gawped. "How the hell did you spout all that crap?"

"It's called Impro. All the great actors do it," Alex replied smugly. He glanced down at his drink. "So, you ever had Scotch before?"

Tod shook his head.

"Me neither," Alex agreed, picking up the glass. He knocked it back. For a moment, he looked okay, but I want something funny to happen so obviously it ain't gonna stay that way. He began to cough and splutter, and his face turned a shade of red. You could almost see steam coming out of his ears for God's sakes.

"Alex, you okay?" Tod questioned anxiously. Alex shook his head.

"It burns," he whispered, his voice hoarse. He coughed again and struggled to get off his stool. "I'm gonna, go get some water," he announced, getting to his feet. "See you in a minute."

"Yeah, sure man," Tod replied. He stared apprehensively at his Scotch for a minute before pushing it away.

"Not drinking your scotch tonight?" the barman announced, suddenly looking down at Tod again.

"Maybe later."

"You guys are twenty one right?"

"No. We're seventeen year old seniors from Mt. Abraham high school," Tod replied in the most sarcastic voice he could manage. There were a few moments of silence before both he and the barman burst out laughing.

"You guys really crack me up!" The barman shrieked.

MORE STORY COMING SOON!!!!!!!!!!!