This takes place during seventh year, very sad... One of my best works.
It was the same as any other. Almost too the same.
Like he deserved better.
In their minds, he deserved anything better than this.
The crowd stood back in silence. Some faces blotched with tears. Some heads bent in silent reverence.
In front, separate, stood the family, in modest black.
But there was nothing modest about them.
How could you miss them?
And this is where it's different.
The family stands back a little. They're not standing closest to the open mouth of the grave, where their own flesh and blood will lie for eternity.
In front of them stand two lone figures, also cloaked in black.
There is a tall boy.
No. That wouldn't be right.
A man. Yes, a man. His bright eyes, now somber, reflect experience and responsibilities that could only be those of a man. Those of a person whose childhood was cut short.
He looked down towards the casket, and is frightfully still. Unmoving.
His eyes without sparkle.
His lips without smile.
A young woman stands beside him, gripping her companion's had in silent camaraderie. She leans against him, fearing she may fall without support.
And then thinks she had already fallen.
********************************************************************************
Hermione gripped Harry's hand, nails digging into his flesh. She stared down at the coffin.
He's not in there. He's not in there.
She forced those simple words through her mind.
Yes he is.
Her mother had always told her not to lie.
What about lying to yourself?
Just a few days ago, he was there... laughing... smiling...
He's not in there.
Of course he is.
She had long used up her tears.
He's not in that coffin...
Yes he is.
He can't be.
How could he not?
********************************************************************************
Harry slowly breathed in and out. He felt Hermione's hand in his. He felt the slow trickle of blood from where her nails pierced his skin.
He felt no pain.
"Sorry..." she whispered, barely audible.
"It doesn't matter... I'm numb."
The priest finished his prayer and the crowd stood in silence.
Slowly, Molly walked forward, face red from grief.
She places his wand on top of the coffin.
Fourteen inches, willow, containing one unicorn hair, he remembered.
I can't do it..." she said. "Harry... I can't do it..."
She stepped back and Hermione and Harry walked forward together.
Hermione squeezed his hand.
He placed three flowers on the coffin.
A white lily.
A white coronation.
A red rose.
"The triumphant must also fall."
His voice rang out, and fell upon the ears of all present.
Hermione picked up a handful of dirt. She paused, and then threw it onto the coffin.
She never let go of Harry's hand.
********************************************************************************
When they finally looked up again, everyone was gone. Hermione slowly released Harry's hand. She winced looking at the cuts her fingernails had made.
"Sorry" she said again.
They stood in silence for another while, and then Harry enveloped Hermione in his arms, as the tears she thought were long dried up came again.
"Harry... I... what do I do? Ron's gone and I... I felt it! I felt him die... why did we do that stupid triumvirate... I had to feel it... I heard him scream!" She sobbed into his shoulder. "What do I do?"
"Shhhh..."
"I felt it dammit! I felt the bastard kill him!"
"Hermi... I felt it too... I felt it too..."
Harry sat down on the grass, and Hermione climbed into his lap, like a child. She cried herself to sleep.
Ron was buried in a beautiful glade in the forest where he was found, close to Hogwarts. It was full of wild flowers and the sun shined into it all day.
Harry took a deep breath and picked Hermione up in his arms and carried her up to the castle.
No one spoke to him as he entered the common room with her in his arms. All their friends averted his gaze.
He climbed the stairs up to the dormitory and tucked Hermione into her bed. He lay down beside her, stoking her hair.
Finally he fell asleep as well.
********************************************************************************
Harry sat in a plush chair by the window, staring out towards the forest. Hermione still hadn't gotten out of bed yet, and he was worried.
Someone slipped into the chair next to him.
"Hey" Ginny said.
He looked up. "I thought you were staying home for another week or so."
"Too depressing. I really needed to come back."
He nodded.
"Hermione still in bed?"
He nodded. "I don't know Ginny. I'm really worried. She-"
"She's taking it bad, Harry. Just give her time."
"I have a feeling... I'm going up to see her."
She nodded and he left her to stare out the window.
********************************************************************************
Hermione lay on her side, staring off into space.
Ron is gone.
She couldn't think of anything else.
Harry came up behind her a sat on her bed.
"You planning to get up today?"
"No. I think I'll just stay here."
"Come on Herm, Ginny's downstairs. Come down and see her. You can't lie in bed all day."
"Yes I can. Harry I can't go down there, especially if she's down there. I look at her and I see him..."
"Hermione, you're going to have to face up to this sooner or later."
She stood up, face red with a sudden flash of anger. "Just because you're the famous Harry Potter, courageous and all, and you can face this head on, out in the world, Harry, doesn't mean I can! I can't do it right now, Harry! I'm sorry I'm not as strong as Harry Potter and I can't be brave! But I can't! So leave me alone!"
Harry felt as if she had slapped him.
"You... you think this is any easier for me, Herm? Do you? He was my best friend too! It's just as hard for me! I didn't ask to be the famous Harry Potter. I just want to be normal... You think I'm strong? Underneath all this, I'm crumbling! I need you out there with me Hermione... Please..."
"I'm sorry..." She threw he arms around him. "I'm sorry Harry... but I can't. I can't... I have to leave... I have to get away from it..."
"It'll follow you, Hermi. And if it doesn't... it will be here when you get back. You need to stay... I need you to stay..."
"I can't..."
She pulled away from him and opened her dresser, emptying it into her trunk.
She levitated it.
"Hermione, please..."
"I can't do this Harry. I need to go."
*I will remember you*
"When are you coming back?"
She looked down. "I-"
"No. You're not leaving me like this, Hermione. You're not."
"Yes Harry. You can't stop me."
She went to walk by him and he grabbed her by the arm. He stared into her eyes and then kissed her, full on the lips. She protested at first, but he held onto her, so she fell into it, kissing him back.
Finally, she pulled away, tears running down her cheeks.
"Please, don't make this any harder than it is."
"Don't leave me Hermi." His eyes were pleading, like a little child.
Hermione made herself look away before she fell for them.
*Will you remember me?*
"Let me go Harry."
"No."
She pushed passed him and ran out of the room, her trunk magically following her.
He sprinted after her.
"Hermione! Wait!"
She ignored him.
Everybody stared as Hermione came running down the stairs.
"Hermione!" Ginny yelled. "Where are you going?"
Harry stopped at the top of the stairs and stared after her.
He knew she would never come back.
********************************************************************************
Ginny walked up the staircase. Harry just stood there, staring after her.
"What happened?"
"She left," he said simply without looking at her.
"Where? Is she- is she coming back?"
He remained silent.
"Harry?"
"No."
"What?"
"No Ginny! She's not coming back!" he yelled.
The whole common room was staring at him.
Ginny grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into his dormitory.
"What happened, Harry?"
He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands.
"I don't know Ginny... I- it's my fault..."
"What are you talking about, Harry?"
"I went into her dorm... She was in bed. I told her she couldn't lie in bed all day. She... She..."
He began to cry.
"She got mad at me... She yelled, saying that just because I was famous Harry Potter and was all brave and courageous and strong and I could take this didn't mean she could... Do I look strong, Ginny? Do I look bloody strong? I'm falling apart here... I never asked for any of this... I never wanted to be famous, and I- and I thought she knew that. Better than anyone..."
*Don't let your life pass you by*
Ginny sat down beside him and put her arm around him.
"She does know it Harry. She's just in a really bad place right now."
"She said she was sorry and started to cry... but she said she couldn't do it... said she had to leave. Nothing I could say or do would've changed her mind. I kissed her, Ginny. I fuckin' kissed her! And she... she smiled and kissed me back and forgot all about it, I forgot all about it for a minute. But- then she pulled away and told me not to make it any harder than it already was. I told her she could leave but it would follow her anyway. Even if it did... it would be here waiting for her when it got back, She looked at me... and I knew... She's not coming back. She's never coming back..."
Ginny put her arms around him and he cried into her shoulder.
"Yes she is, Harry. She'll come back. She doesn't know it yet, but she'll be back..."
*Weep not for the memories...*
********************************************************************************
Hermione collapsed on the grass, gasping for air. She had never run so hard, so far in her life. Her feet ached.
She was on the outskirts of Hogsmede. She had run quite a ways, right through Hogsmede. It was a miracle she hadn't run into anything.
Suddenly, she heard a voice.
Lupin was coming up the road, walking "Snuffles."
The black dog growled.
"Yes" Lupin said. "I am enjoying this."
She couldn't let them see her.
The road forked and "Snuffles" went to turn, but Lupin pulled him back.
"Is that Hermione?"
Damn.
She jumped behind a tree.
"Snuffles" looked around then changed.
"Are you sure, Remus?"
"Sirius..."
"No, one's around, Moony. And besides... you were having way too much fun..."
"God, I swear I saw her..."
"You're getting old, Moony."
"Hey... you're the same age as me Padfoot..."
"Good point..."
They laughed and continued down the road.
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief as she put out her wand to summon the Knight Bus.
Trying not to think of what she had just done.
Trying no to think of what she had left behind.
Or who.
********************************************************************************
Harry slowly walked up the spiral staircase.
He was thinking of the first time he had seen Hermione.
*Remember the good times that we had?*
She was a bossy know it all.
*I let them slip away from us when things got bad*
When had she turned into a friend?
Oh right... when they had knocked out that troll.
He entered the office and sat down in the comfortable plush chair, facing the Headmaster.
"She's gone."
He sat in silence after those words.
What else could he say?
After several minutes of silence, Dumbledore spoke up.
"I know Harry. But you know that I already know. You didn't come up here just to tell me that."
"It was my fault."
"How was it your fault Harry?"
"I made her leave. I drove her to leave. I got Ron killed and now she left..."
"Harry, you didn't get Ron killed."
"Yes I did."
He was eerily still when he said this.
"No..."
"I killed him! He was after me, Professor! He wanted me!! Why did he take him? Why? And now Hermione's gone... I got him killed!"
"Harry, listen to me. Ron was killed. But no one is at fault except the one who dealt the blow. Voldemort."
"You know what she said to me? She said that just because I was famous and brave and strong and I could face this... didn't mean she could. I thought she knew me better than that..."
"Harry, everyone expects an awful lot of you. But Hermione does know you, better than you think. Trust me."
"Just as well she's gone... then he won't get at her too..."
"Harry. She'll come back."
Harry shook his head. "You have to be wrong sometime Professor..."
He left the office.
Dumbledore sighed and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
He wrote out a letter then placed it in an envelope and addressed it. He'd get Hagrid to take it to the muggle post office later.
********************************************************************************
Harry leaned against the wall outside Dumbledore's office.
*How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun*
He hand went to his lips. He had kissed her, in an attempt to make her stay... anything that could work. But- he realized that wasn't the only reason he had kissed her.
*Wanna feel your warmth upon me*
"This is all I need now." He said out loud.
********************************************************************************
Hermione sat in the in common room doing her homework. It was empty, and the fire was beginning to die. She stood up and threw another log on it.
She returned to her work, but was unable to concentrate.
Her hand went up to the silver necklace Ron and Harry had given her for Christmas.
Where were they?
Well... Harry was in bed. But Ron was off somewhere. Probably with Lavender in the Rose garden, or something like that.
Unable to get back into it, she slammed her book closed. A wave of uneasiness washed over her.
"What are you worried about, Herm?" She said aloud. "Relax."
She sat down in front of the fire and stared at the flames, unable to shake that awful feeling of uneasiness.
Suddenly, she heard something. Like a scream... but it didn't seem to be coming from anywhere... like it was in her mind.
She started to feel light-headed.
"Ron? Ron?!"
Something was very wrong.
"Ron!!!!"
She screamed and her vision began to blur.
"Ron!!"
She felt a jolt, and then a horrible emptiness as the world went black...
********************************************************************************
Someone was shaking her. She opened her eyes. She was on the knight bus.
"Ye were screamin' in yer sleep."
"It was just a dream... Sorry about that."
"No problem" Ernie said. "You just lie down dear. We'll be there soon."
"Thanks."
She lay back down, thoughts unconsciously drifting to Harry.
That kiss...
Just a ploy to make her stay.
But it felt-
She forced the thoughts out of her mind.
What had she done?
"I'm sorry Harry..." she whispered. "I can't..."
*I wanna be the one*
********************************************************************************
"Hermione, dear. What are you doing here?"
Hermione sighed as her mother's familiar arms encircled her.
"I couldn't be there right now..."
Her mother nodded, understanding. She sat her down on the couch and put her arms around her like she used to when she was a small child.
"Is there something about you and Ron's relationship that I don't know about?"
"No... I'm not in love with him..."
Not him... but...
*I will remember you*
Harry was right. It would follow her.
*Will you remember me?*
But it wasn't Ron's death.
It was him.
"Mom, I can't go back there... At least not now."
"Well, you can stay here as long as you want."
"No... I can't stay here either. I have to get away from everything. I've made arrangements... I just came by to see you."
"Are you sure, Hermione. I mean-"
"Please mom... this is just something I have to do."
*Don't let your life pass you by*
"I trust you honey... but I hope you know what you're doing."
A single tear ran down Hermione's cheek.
"I do..."
*Weep not for the memories*
********************************************************************************
Harry tossed and turned all night. He couldn't sleep.
He hadn't slept in days.
*I'm so tired but I can't sleep*
She was out there somewhere... He had sent her owls... but every single time, Hedwig had come back carrying the letter, unable to find her.
Or maybe Hermione wouldn't take the letter.
At least he had Ginny for company, he probably would have gone stir crazy without her.
No. He was going crazy anyway.
She was just making it easier.
*Standin' on the edge of something much too deep*
It was weird. In a way, he was almost functioning normally. Or at least, on the inside. He talked with people, polite conversation, went to classes, did his homework. Or at least attempted to.
Every once and a while, someone would say,
"Are you okay?"
He'd nod, or say, "Yeah."
The only person that knew he was outright lying was Ginny.
*It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word*
No one could know, except Ginny, that he was falling apart. He appeared to be getting better every day, but in reality, he was getting worse. Crumbling a little more each day.
*We are screaming inside*
The worst part was not knowing. Was she alone? Was she okay? Was she crying? Laughing?
Was she thinking of him, like he was thinking of her?
*But we can't be heard*
Could she ever forget?
********************************************************************************
Hermione walked through the flat. Another event-less day.
Each new day came and went by as a blur.
She'd walk around. She'd sit down. She'd starve herself one day. Eat until she puked the next.
She'd drink herself to sleep.
She didn't know what she was doing here. All she knew was that she couldn't go back.
She couldn't face Harry now. After all this... She had said some really horrible things to him.
And couldn't go back because Ron would be lurking around every corner.
What was Harry doing now? Was he playing Quidditch? Was he in class? Was he laughing with Dean and Seamus? Talking with Ginny?
Was he in living hell, like she was?
Was he thinking of her?
*But I will remember you*
She checked the mail for anything interesting. Of course, there would be no letters. No one knew where she was except her parents.
Wait. There was a letter.
She opened it carefully and pulled it out.
Dear Miss Granger,
I will not be sending you letter after letter, unlike Harry undoubtedly will attempt to. But you need to come back. Harry needs you here. You need him. Running from this is not the best possible option. I realize you are in pain, and have lost someone as dear to you as family. But it will not go away, unless you face up to it. The pain of that loss will never ever lessen with time, like people say. But you will lean to eventually live with it. Please, come back, if not for yourself, for Harry. He appears to be fine to everyone else, but has not fooled Ginny nor I. Loosing Ron was difficult for him, but loosing you as well is destroying him. Ginny has been in my office many times, crying, for you as well as Harry. He is vulnerable and in danger.
You know it is not in my nature, but I am begging you in this respect.
Come back.
Albus Dumbledore
*Don't let your life pass you by*
Hermione sank to the ground, her legs unable to support her.
"I can't. I can't go back!!" She screamed. "Why can't you people understand!!!!! I can't... It won't go away..."
Her head pounded from yelling and crying, and she stumbled into the kitchen, nearly blinded by the steady stream of tears.
She opened drawers, cupboards. She emptied them on the floor, knives, forks, glass jars and containers smashed to the ground.
Finally she found the bottle of aspirin, and poured out its contents.
Anything to make it go away.
She swallowed all the pills, nearly choking.
She just wanted it all to go away...
She stood there, leaning against the counter, sobbing.
*Weep not for the memories*
Se began to feel drowsy, and when her legs could no longer support her, she fell.
She felt herself land on something cold and sharp, but remembered no more after that.
Her world went dark.
********************************************************************************
Harry sat in the dormitory, staring out the window, towards the forest.
Towards the glade.
It was quiet up there, and he could think without the hustle and bustle of the common room.
"Harry!" Came Ginny's distraught voice from behind him.
"What? What's wrong?" He turned around and saw she was crying.
"It's Hermione."
"What? What happened? Is she okay? Where is sh-"
"Harry... she's in the hospital."
"What?"
"I- I don't know what happened... Dumbledore just sent me a note..."
He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her out of the dorm with him.
He pulled her all the way up to Dumbledore's office.
"What happened?"
"She overdosed- on painkillers. Landed on a bunch of knives, glass..."
"Oh my god..." Ginny squeezed his hand.
"Is she bad?"
The headmaster nodded.
"I want to see her."
"Harry, I-"
"I want to see her."
"Meet me in the Entrance Hall in five minutes with your cloaks."
********************************************************************************
Ginny, Harry and Dumbledore entered the muggle hospital and walked up to the desk.
"Can you please tell me where Hermione Granger is?"
The receptionist snapped her gum and typed on the computer.
"She's just been moved from Trauma to the ICU. Fourth floor. But only family's being let in to see her."
"We're going up anyway."
They rode the elevator up to the fourth floor.
Hermione's parents were pacing back in forth outside one of the rooms.
Harry walked over and gave Mrs. Granger a hug.
"Is she okay?"
Mr. Granger sighed. "I- I don't know. They're checking her over now..."
Harry sighed and sat down next to Ginny in one of the uncomfortable lobby chairs.
"This is all my fault, Gin."
"Don't say that, Harry. Just don't."
"Why not? It's the truth."
"No, Harry. You've blamed yourself all your life... for your parents death... for Sirius, and now for this... None of it's your fault."
"I got them into this... and then Ron was killed. I let Hermione leave, Ginny! What do you think led to this? She was alone... Look what she's done to herself. Because I wasn't there... I kept imagining that she was happy where she was and that she had forgotten it all! Stupid me, huh. I should have looked for her... I should have followed her... done something... anything... but I didn't... and she's in there, being prodded by a bunch of doctors... Wondering if they can save her ass..."
"Harry, stop it. Stop it right now! It's not your fault okay? It's just the way things turned out! It's horrible, and I'm sorry about that, but you have to stop blaming yourself! Or you'll end up like her... depressed and a mess. And that won't do anyone any good."
As she finished, the doctor came out of Hermione's room. They all stood up.
"Well... we pumped her stomach and managed to stabilize her. We'll keep her on observation. We've stitched up all the lacerations and made sure there's no glass in them. All we can do now... is wait for her to wake up."
"Can I see her?" Harry asked.
"Are you family?" The doctor inquired.
Before Harry could answer, Mr. Granger spoke up.
"Yes. Yes he is."
"Fine, then, you can go in and see her."
She walked away as Harry entered the hospital room.
There she was. She was ghostly pale, her frizzy hair framing her face. She was hooked up to IVs and breathing tubes and was covered in bandages, where she had been cut.
He sat down beside her and gripped her hand.
"I'm sorry..." he said. "This is all my fault... I don't care what Ginny says. I don't know why I let you go. I should have stopped you. I should have made sure you were okay. I should have made sure Ron was safe. I should have done a million other things to make sure this didn't happen."
He paused as tears slipped silently down his cheek.
"I should have kissed you a long time ago so that you'd know what you mean to me."
*I'm so afraid to love you*
"I've been in living hell, Hermione. Not a minute of each and every day has gone by that I didn't think of you. I haven't slept... I didn't know where were, what you were doing... whether you were laughing or crying or even if you were dead or alive..."
He kissed her hand, fighting unsuccessfully against impending tears.
*But more afraid to lose*
"I can't loose you again... I lost Ron, and I refuse to loose you, especially to this...
"You told me that just because I was famous Harry Potter, all courageous and brave and strong and I could take it, you couldn't. Where do you think all that strength comes from? You and Ron. You guys kept me alive. Just because a long time ago I nearly killed a powerful wizard, doesn't mean I'm strong. I already lost Ron. I needed you to cope with it, Hermi. I'm nothing without you."
*Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose*
He leaned over and cried, gripping her hand between his.
"Oh God, Hermi, please..."
He stayed like that for a long time, tears falling onto the white hospital sheets.
He finally sat up, breathing deeply.
"I need you to wake up for me, Hermione. Remember that day... when you, Ron and I sat under the tree and talked about what we wanted to do after Hogwarts? And you said you wanted to go to France and sit in one of those little sidewalk cafes sipping café au lait? You wake up from this and I'll take you. We'll sit there, and people watch... I'll take you on a boat ride down the Seine... and we'll laugh about this... We'll look back and laugh. You told me you always wanted to learn French..."
He crawled up onto the bed with her, careful not pull out any of the cords.
"I'm staying here, and I'm not moving until you wake up..."
And, listening to the beep of her heart monitor, he fell asleep for the first time since she left.
********************************************************************************
Harry eventually woke, stretching after sleeping on the uncomfortable hospital bed.
The events of the previous days came rushing back.
Wait- wasn't he lying with Hermione?
The room was dark and there was no one there.
Immediately, the worst situation sprung to mind.
"Oh no..."
He jumped off the bed and ran to the door.
It was locked.
He pounded on the door and hoped someone would hear him and let him out.
Seeing him him, Ginny got up and let him out, throwing her arms around him.
"Harry, are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"You fell asleep next to Hermione... You were screaming, and flailing your arms, the nurses couldn't wake you. You just kept yelling... They were scared you'd hurt her, or yourself, so they brought you to this room. You scared me..."
"Is Herm okay?"
Ginny paused. "Harry... she coded."
Harry stared at her.
"Just as they were taking you out. Her heart stopped, she stopped breathing. They managed to stabilize her again, though."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief.
"Has she woken up yet?"
"She's been in and out of consciousness. She keeps calling for you. But we still couldn't wake you... Harry, why didn't you tell me you haven't slept since she left?"
"I- wasn't it obvious?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right..."
"Have you gone into see her?"
"Once. She was awake, but not at all coherent. She thought I was Ron. I thought it was best to leave."
"Where are her parents?"
"Dumbledore took them home. Told them they needed to rest. Then he went back to the castle."
Harry smiled at her.
"Thanks for staying, Gin."
"No problem."
He gave her a hug and kissed her cheek, before reentering the hospital room.
She was lying there, forehead dotted with sweat. She was breathing on her own now, without a ventilator, but she was still hooked up to the heart monitor.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
He sat down next to her and held her hand.
He watched her sleep on fitfully, breathing deeply.
This time, no tears came.
She stirred after a while, shifting positions.
"Harry... Harry?!" She yelled.
Harry squeezed her hand.
"Shhhh... I'm here Hermi..."
She calmed down, and squeezing his hand back, sighed.
"Don't leave..."
"I won't."
She fell into a peaceful sleep.
Harry sighed. It was a good sign, right? That she was waking up, no matter for how long...
"Is she doing okay?" Came a voice from behind him.
Fred and George were standing there.
"Yeah... I think she'll be okay. I hope..."
"You look tired, Harry."
"Yeah well, I haven't really been sleeping..."
"Well, we have to get back to the shop. We heard... and just wanted to make sure she was okay."
"Thanks."
"Bye..."
Both the twins leaned over and kissed Hermione on the forehead. Then they left, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts.
He sat there, unmoving, just as he had at Ron's funeral.
They all deserved better than this.
He smiled as the last of the setting sun's rays, coming through the window, lingered on her. They made her hair shine. She looked angelic, peaceful, in no pain.
Harry laughed. A rich, deep laugh. It felt good. For some reason, seeing her like that... he felt safe. As if everything was going to be okay. She would wake up... everything would be fine. There was something about those small, seemingly insignificant rays of light... He felt renewed.
*Once there was a darkness*
He heard a faint moan.
"Hermione?"
Harry looked down, as her eyes fluttered open.
"Herm?"
"Harry..." she breathed. "Where... am I?"
"You're in the hospital, Herm."
"What... I- Harry, I'm s-"
"Shhhh... It's okay... God, you scared me. I thought I'd loose you too..."
*A Deep and endless night*
He kissed her softly, cupping her chin in his hand.
Finally he pulled away, smiling his first real smile since she left.
"I have to go get the doctors. Be back in a minute."
He walked out of the room.
********************************************************************************
Ginny noticed a spring in Harry's step as he exited the hospital wing.
"Ginny! She's awake!"
"She is?"
Ginny jumped up and threw her arms around Harry.
"God that was scary..."
"No kidding... I'm going to get the doctors. Go in and see her."
Ginny watched him walk away, smiling, then entered the room. Hermione was lying there, looking up at the ceiling.
"Hey."
She looked up. "Hi..."
"How are you feeling?" Ginny asked, sitting down next to her.
"I'm sore..."
"Well, I'm glad to see you awake. And so is Harry, by the way he walked out of here." She giggled.
"Hmm..." Hermione replied.
Ginny paused. "This was really hard on him, Hermione. All of it..."
Hermione bowed her head. "Ginny, I-"
But at that moment, Harry returned with the doctors, and Hermione never finished her sentence.
"Are you in pain, Miss Granger?"
"Yeah, a little..."
"Okay, start another IV drip... codeine." The doctor ordered the nurse.
The doctors continued to examine her, taking her vitals and making sure she was all right.
"Okay, we'll keep you here for observation, for 48 hours, or more, depending on how fast your lacerations heal."
The doctor left, leaving Harry, Ginny and Hermione alone.
"Where are my parents?" Hermione asked.
"Dumbledore took them home."
"Can someone get them?"
Harry looked over to Ginny.
"Harry, could you do it? You know her parents better than I do."
Harry reluctantly left.
"I- I know I have no right to ask you this, but... Hermione, Harry, well, he totally fell apart after you left. I- it hurt to see him like that. Why did you leave Hermione?"
Tears ran down Hermione's cheeks. "Ginny- I don't know why I left... I- it got too much. I just wanted it to all go away... Harry was right though... it- Ron... he followed me everywhere... but it wasn't just Ron..."
*You gave me everything you had*
"I'm sorry, Herm. I just- He's in love with you. He already lost Ron, and when you left... It was like he- he withered away. He hasn't slept, except when he fell asleep right here beside you, since you left. To all the other people around, he seemed to be almost functioning normally, except not much for conversation. But, we'd sit together... and he'd be staring out the window... and just start crying... I can't tell you how many nights he cried, just lying there, not able to sleep while I sat there, trying to comfort him. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help- I couldn't help feeling angry, because you ran... and left him here, to do this alone. I can't be mad at you now... but I was then. I know it must have been just as bad for you, but all I saw was him... it nearly killed him, Herm... It nearly killed him..."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I just couldn't... It was too much Ginny..."
"I'm not blaming you, Herm. I- I probably would have done the same thing. But Harry- he thinks it's his fault. He needs you to tell him... That it wasn't his fault..."
"I'm sorry..."
Ginny wrapped her arms around her friend, tears streaming down both their faces.
Finally, they pulled apart, laughing.
"Oh god, Herm. It's been lonely in that common room without you."
Hermione laughed, despite herself. "Oh please, can we talk about something happy..."
Ginny nodded and they got to talking about school, giggling.
"You two seem happy." Harry said, walking in. "Your parents are on the way."
"Thanks." She said, smiling back at him.
*Oh you gave me light*
********************************************************************************
Harry pushed Hermione down the hall in her wheelchair. Ginny had gone back to the castle, but Harry had refused, even after much urging from Dumbledore.
They went outside, and stopped under their favorite tree.
Hermione sat in silence, for a moment, pondering what she would say.
Something that had been nagging at the back of her mind ever since that talk with Ginny. Nearly a week ago.
Of course, in a way, she already knew the answer.
"Why are you so quiet?" he asked.
"Harry... what did you do... while I was gone? You've showered me with attention, and hugs and- but you never once said anything about what you did while I was gone. And every time you seem about to say something... you stop. And- I need to know Harry. I can't not know. For the past seven years, I've shared my life with you and Ron. I- I was gone along time. Too long... I shouldn't have even gone at all.... But- I need to know what you did while I was gone."
Harry didn't seem surprised by this question, but remained silent. Finally he sighed.
"Nothing. I did nothing. Well, actually... I- I thought about you. I guess where you were, and what you were doing... I cried. I sulked. I didn't eat much. I didn't do my homework. I tried to sleep, but didn't. I sat with Ginny. I... I cursed myself for dragging you guys into this..."
*And I will remember you*
"I did this, Herm. I got Ron killed... I let you leave... It might as well have been me that put you in this hospital... How can I... How can I ever forgive myself? I don't know how I've lived with myself for this long... I got Ron killed, nearly got you killed. Hell, I could still get you killed..."
*Will you remember me?*
"And everyday, I tell myself, 'You should leave. Get out of here.' And I can't. It's so selfish of me, but I just can't leave. I can't."
He looked up at her, emerald eyes shining with tears.
"Because of you, Hermione Granger. I- I am so in love with you... It hurts..."
He looked like a child, eyes pleading. But it seemed, he didn't know what he was asking her to do.
To reject him.
Or to love him back.
*Don't let your life pass you by*
She pulled him into her, searching for his lips. They met, drinking each other, feeding off each other. Emotions bottled up over years went into that kiss, overflowing into that one, simple, passionate act.
They finally pulled away from each other, and Hermione leaned her forehead against his.
"I should have kissed you a million years ago."
"Why?" She asked in a barely audible whisper. It wasn't that she felt the statement needed to be questioned, but she needed know whether she was thinking what he was thinking.
"Because it wouldn't have hurt as much..."
*Weep not for the memories*
He pulled her gently out of her wheelchair, and into his arms. They lay in silence, leaning against the tree.
Wondering whether Ron was watching over them.
Wondering what he'd think if he saw them now
"I wasn't running away from you." Hermione finally said. "I wasn't running away from Ron. I was running away from myself... And it didn't even work..."
********************************************************************************
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief as Harry and her parents walked her out of the hospital. She had spent two weeks in there, and even though was still very sore; she was dying to get out of there.
They arrived at the familiar house and Harry helped her up to her room. She flopped down on the comfortable bed, sighing, and glad she wouldn't have to sleep in that horrible hospital room with white washed walls.
Harry let out a laugh. "I expected it to be, like, neat Herm. This place is a mess!"
"I'm smart, but I never was, and never will be a neat freak..."
Harry sat down on the chair, shoving aside a pile of clothing. His face went from joyful to serious very quickly.
Something Hermione didn't like to see.
He had been so happy, the past while. And according to what Ginny had told her, he was the total opposite than what he was while she was gone. He laughed, he smiled, he positively glowed.
And to think, it had been her fault he hadn't slept.
Her fault he hadn't eaten.
Her fault he had been crumbling away.
"Hermione, I have to go back."
She looked up.
"Dumbledore owled me yesterday. He said I had to come back, that I've missed too much school..."
"You're leaving?" She asked. "Harry-"
"I promised myself, a long time ago, that I wouldn't go back there without you."
"Harry, I-"
"Hermione, you have to go back there sometime. We both have to. I'm not going to let you go back alone, but you have to go eventually. I need you to go back with me."
"How, Harry? How can I go back there? He'll be around every corner, everywhere I go."
"What's the difference, Herm? Having him follow you around here, or at school? If you keep thinking it, he'll haunt you, no matter where you are. Whether you're six feet under or standing on top of the world! If you're constantly looking for Ron's approval in everything we do... You're never going to get it! He's gone Hermione. You know that. He's not going to appear to you, nod his head and tell you it's okay... It's just us, Hermione. You. Me. He's watching over us, I'm sure, but he's not here. And you can't feel guilty for everything we do because he's not here... Remember him, but don't let him control you. He didn't do it when he was alive, don't let him do it now..."
*And I will remember you*
"Why do you think this never happened, before, Harry? Us. Why do you think? Because we didn't feel it? You know that's not true, just as well as I do. I would have felt guilty about it then, and I do now. And so do you..."
"He knew, Hermione. He knew the whole time. Since second year. We weren't exactly subtle about it. I don't know if anyone else knew, but he knew. But he was happy. He didn't care. And he wouldn't now."
*Will you remember me?*
"What do you want me to do, Harry?"
"I want you to hold my hand, walk with me up to that castle. I want you to walk down the halls with me. If you see Ron, I want you to smile at him. And you're going to study, and pass your exams with flying colors. And then I'm going to take you to France, and we're going to sit in one of those little cafes and sip café au lait. I'll take you to the Eiffel tower, and we'll drop pennies off the top, even though were not supposed to. Just like you said you wanted to. We'll earn French, and try to speak to the people there, but I'll fail miserably. I'll take you in one of those little boats down the Seine, but get someone else to sing for you, because the sound of my voice would just turn you off." He kissed her hand. "I just want you to be happy again. To live again."
*Don't let your life pass you by*
"If you promise you won't blame yourself... Then I'll let you take me to France..."
"I'm working on it."
He kissed her on the forehead. "Get some sleep. I'm right across the hall..."
"Stay with me." She said, yawning.
He climbed up onto the bed with her.
"Goodnight."
"Mm.." She said, snuggling into him.
********************************************************************************
She squeezed his hand, taking a deep breath.
"Ready?" He said.
She shook her head. "No. But I never will be..."
*Weep not for the memories*
He kissed her softly, brushing her hair out of her face.
"Come on." He said, pulling her forward.
A single tear ran down her cheek.
*Weep not for the memories*
"I'll help you through this, Herm. But you have to let me..."
She smiled up at him, and they both walked forward, a considerable weight lifting from their shoulders.
********************************************************************************
So, yeah, that was my 25-page story. Long, sad. I cried writing it. I hope you enjoyed it. I was writing Gwynedd's Den, and then this idea popped into my head. My muse kept banging on my head, so I was forced to write it.
Please Review. A lot of work was put into this one, and I think it's tied for my favorite story I ever wrote, with Good Gifts. (That's sad too... please go read it!)
Any reviews will be greatly appreciated, since I put so much work into this!
Thank you once more,
~Danie
It was the same as any other. Almost too the same.
Like he deserved better.
In their minds, he deserved anything better than this.
The crowd stood back in silence. Some faces blotched with tears. Some heads bent in silent reverence.
In front, separate, stood the family, in modest black.
But there was nothing modest about them.
How could you miss them?
And this is where it's different.
The family stands back a little. They're not standing closest to the open mouth of the grave, where their own flesh and blood will lie for eternity.
In front of them stand two lone figures, also cloaked in black.
There is a tall boy.
No. That wouldn't be right.
A man. Yes, a man. His bright eyes, now somber, reflect experience and responsibilities that could only be those of a man. Those of a person whose childhood was cut short.
He looked down towards the casket, and is frightfully still. Unmoving.
His eyes without sparkle.
His lips without smile.
A young woman stands beside him, gripping her companion's had in silent camaraderie. She leans against him, fearing she may fall without support.
And then thinks she had already fallen.
********************************************************************************
Hermione gripped Harry's hand, nails digging into his flesh. She stared down at the coffin.
He's not in there. He's not in there.
She forced those simple words through her mind.
Yes he is.
Her mother had always told her not to lie.
What about lying to yourself?
Just a few days ago, he was there... laughing... smiling...
He's not in there.
Of course he is.
She had long used up her tears.
He's not in that coffin...
Yes he is.
He can't be.
How could he not?
********************************************************************************
Harry slowly breathed in and out. He felt Hermione's hand in his. He felt the slow trickle of blood from where her nails pierced his skin.
He felt no pain.
"Sorry..." she whispered, barely audible.
"It doesn't matter... I'm numb."
The priest finished his prayer and the crowd stood in silence.
Slowly, Molly walked forward, face red from grief.
She places his wand on top of the coffin.
Fourteen inches, willow, containing one unicorn hair, he remembered.
I can't do it..." she said. "Harry... I can't do it..."
She stepped back and Hermione and Harry walked forward together.
Hermione squeezed his hand.
He placed three flowers on the coffin.
A white lily.
A white coronation.
A red rose.
"The triumphant must also fall."
His voice rang out, and fell upon the ears of all present.
Hermione picked up a handful of dirt. She paused, and then threw it onto the coffin.
She never let go of Harry's hand.
********************************************************************************
When they finally looked up again, everyone was gone. Hermione slowly released Harry's hand. She winced looking at the cuts her fingernails had made.
"Sorry" she said again.
They stood in silence for another while, and then Harry enveloped Hermione in his arms, as the tears she thought were long dried up came again.
"Harry... I... what do I do? Ron's gone and I... I felt it! I felt him die... why did we do that stupid triumvirate... I had to feel it... I heard him scream!" She sobbed into his shoulder. "What do I do?"
"Shhhh..."
"I felt it dammit! I felt the bastard kill him!"
"Hermi... I felt it too... I felt it too..."
Harry sat down on the grass, and Hermione climbed into his lap, like a child. She cried herself to sleep.
Ron was buried in a beautiful glade in the forest where he was found, close to Hogwarts. It was full of wild flowers and the sun shined into it all day.
Harry took a deep breath and picked Hermione up in his arms and carried her up to the castle.
No one spoke to him as he entered the common room with her in his arms. All their friends averted his gaze.
He climbed the stairs up to the dormitory and tucked Hermione into her bed. He lay down beside her, stoking her hair.
Finally he fell asleep as well.
********************************************************************************
Harry sat in a plush chair by the window, staring out towards the forest. Hermione still hadn't gotten out of bed yet, and he was worried.
Someone slipped into the chair next to him.
"Hey" Ginny said.
He looked up. "I thought you were staying home for another week or so."
"Too depressing. I really needed to come back."
He nodded.
"Hermione still in bed?"
He nodded. "I don't know Ginny. I'm really worried. She-"
"She's taking it bad, Harry. Just give her time."
"I have a feeling... I'm going up to see her."
She nodded and he left her to stare out the window.
********************************************************************************
Hermione lay on her side, staring off into space.
Ron is gone.
She couldn't think of anything else.
Harry came up behind her a sat on her bed.
"You planning to get up today?"
"No. I think I'll just stay here."
"Come on Herm, Ginny's downstairs. Come down and see her. You can't lie in bed all day."
"Yes I can. Harry I can't go down there, especially if she's down there. I look at her and I see him..."
"Hermione, you're going to have to face up to this sooner or later."
She stood up, face red with a sudden flash of anger. "Just because you're the famous Harry Potter, courageous and all, and you can face this head on, out in the world, Harry, doesn't mean I can! I can't do it right now, Harry! I'm sorry I'm not as strong as Harry Potter and I can't be brave! But I can't! So leave me alone!"
Harry felt as if she had slapped him.
"You... you think this is any easier for me, Herm? Do you? He was my best friend too! It's just as hard for me! I didn't ask to be the famous Harry Potter. I just want to be normal... You think I'm strong? Underneath all this, I'm crumbling! I need you out there with me Hermione... Please..."
"I'm sorry..." She threw he arms around him. "I'm sorry Harry... but I can't. I can't... I have to leave... I have to get away from it..."
"It'll follow you, Hermi. And if it doesn't... it will be here when you get back. You need to stay... I need you to stay..."
"I can't..."
She pulled away from him and opened her dresser, emptying it into her trunk.
She levitated it.
"Hermione, please..."
"I can't do this Harry. I need to go."
*I will remember you*
"When are you coming back?"
She looked down. "I-"
"No. You're not leaving me like this, Hermione. You're not."
"Yes Harry. You can't stop me."
She went to walk by him and he grabbed her by the arm. He stared into her eyes and then kissed her, full on the lips. She protested at first, but he held onto her, so she fell into it, kissing him back.
Finally, she pulled away, tears running down her cheeks.
"Please, don't make this any harder than it is."
"Don't leave me Hermi." His eyes were pleading, like a little child.
Hermione made herself look away before she fell for them.
*Will you remember me?*
"Let me go Harry."
"No."
She pushed passed him and ran out of the room, her trunk magically following her.
He sprinted after her.
"Hermione! Wait!"
She ignored him.
Everybody stared as Hermione came running down the stairs.
"Hermione!" Ginny yelled. "Where are you going?"
Harry stopped at the top of the stairs and stared after her.
He knew she would never come back.
********************************************************************************
Ginny walked up the staircase. Harry just stood there, staring after her.
"What happened?"
"She left," he said simply without looking at her.
"Where? Is she- is she coming back?"
He remained silent.
"Harry?"
"No."
"What?"
"No Ginny! She's not coming back!" he yelled.
The whole common room was staring at him.
Ginny grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into his dormitory.
"What happened, Harry?"
He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands.
"I don't know Ginny... I- it's my fault..."
"What are you talking about, Harry?"
"I went into her dorm... She was in bed. I told her she couldn't lie in bed all day. She... She..."
He began to cry.
"She got mad at me... She yelled, saying that just because I was famous Harry Potter and was all brave and courageous and strong and I could take this didn't mean she could... Do I look strong, Ginny? Do I look bloody strong? I'm falling apart here... I never asked for any of this... I never wanted to be famous, and I- and I thought she knew that. Better than anyone..."
*Don't let your life pass you by*
Ginny sat down beside him and put her arm around him.
"She does know it Harry. She's just in a really bad place right now."
"She said she was sorry and started to cry... but she said she couldn't do it... said she had to leave. Nothing I could say or do would've changed her mind. I kissed her, Ginny. I fuckin' kissed her! And she... she smiled and kissed me back and forgot all about it, I forgot all about it for a minute. But- then she pulled away and told me not to make it any harder than it already was. I told her she could leave but it would follow her anyway. Even if it did... it would be here waiting for her when it got back, She looked at me... and I knew... She's not coming back. She's never coming back..."
Ginny put her arms around him and he cried into her shoulder.
"Yes she is, Harry. She'll come back. She doesn't know it yet, but she'll be back..."
*Weep not for the memories...*
********************************************************************************
Hermione collapsed on the grass, gasping for air. She had never run so hard, so far in her life. Her feet ached.
She was on the outskirts of Hogsmede. She had run quite a ways, right through Hogsmede. It was a miracle she hadn't run into anything.
Suddenly, she heard a voice.
Lupin was coming up the road, walking "Snuffles."
The black dog growled.
"Yes" Lupin said. "I am enjoying this."
She couldn't let them see her.
The road forked and "Snuffles" went to turn, but Lupin pulled him back.
"Is that Hermione?"
Damn.
She jumped behind a tree.
"Snuffles" looked around then changed.
"Are you sure, Remus?"
"Sirius..."
"No, one's around, Moony. And besides... you were having way too much fun..."
"God, I swear I saw her..."
"You're getting old, Moony."
"Hey... you're the same age as me Padfoot..."
"Good point..."
They laughed and continued down the road.
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief as she put out her wand to summon the Knight Bus.
Trying not to think of what she had just done.
Trying no to think of what she had left behind.
Or who.
********************************************************************************
Harry slowly walked up the spiral staircase.
He was thinking of the first time he had seen Hermione.
*Remember the good times that we had?*
She was a bossy know it all.
*I let them slip away from us when things got bad*
When had she turned into a friend?
Oh right... when they had knocked out that troll.
He entered the office and sat down in the comfortable plush chair, facing the Headmaster.
"She's gone."
He sat in silence after those words.
What else could he say?
After several minutes of silence, Dumbledore spoke up.
"I know Harry. But you know that I already know. You didn't come up here just to tell me that."
"It was my fault."
"How was it your fault Harry?"
"I made her leave. I drove her to leave. I got Ron killed and now she left..."
"Harry, you didn't get Ron killed."
"Yes I did."
He was eerily still when he said this.
"No..."
"I killed him! He was after me, Professor! He wanted me!! Why did he take him? Why? And now Hermione's gone... I got him killed!"
"Harry, listen to me. Ron was killed. But no one is at fault except the one who dealt the blow. Voldemort."
"You know what she said to me? She said that just because I was famous and brave and strong and I could face this... didn't mean she could. I thought she knew me better than that..."
"Harry, everyone expects an awful lot of you. But Hermione does know you, better than you think. Trust me."
"Just as well she's gone... then he won't get at her too..."
"Harry. She'll come back."
Harry shook his head. "You have to be wrong sometime Professor..."
He left the office.
Dumbledore sighed and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
He wrote out a letter then placed it in an envelope and addressed it. He'd get Hagrid to take it to the muggle post office later.
********************************************************************************
Harry leaned against the wall outside Dumbledore's office.
*How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun*
He hand went to his lips. He had kissed her, in an attempt to make her stay... anything that could work. But- he realized that wasn't the only reason he had kissed her.
*Wanna feel your warmth upon me*
"This is all I need now." He said out loud.
********************************************************************************
Hermione sat in the in common room doing her homework. It was empty, and the fire was beginning to die. She stood up and threw another log on it.
She returned to her work, but was unable to concentrate.
Her hand went up to the silver necklace Ron and Harry had given her for Christmas.
Where were they?
Well... Harry was in bed. But Ron was off somewhere. Probably with Lavender in the Rose garden, or something like that.
Unable to get back into it, she slammed her book closed. A wave of uneasiness washed over her.
"What are you worried about, Herm?" She said aloud. "Relax."
She sat down in front of the fire and stared at the flames, unable to shake that awful feeling of uneasiness.
Suddenly, she heard something. Like a scream... but it didn't seem to be coming from anywhere... like it was in her mind.
She started to feel light-headed.
"Ron? Ron?!"
Something was very wrong.
"Ron!!!!"
She screamed and her vision began to blur.
"Ron!!"
She felt a jolt, and then a horrible emptiness as the world went black...
********************************************************************************
Someone was shaking her. She opened her eyes. She was on the knight bus.
"Ye were screamin' in yer sleep."
"It was just a dream... Sorry about that."
"No problem" Ernie said. "You just lie down dear. We'll be there soon."
"Thanks."
She lay back down, thoughts unconsciously drifting to Harry.
That kiss...
Just a ploy to make her stay.
But it felt-
She forced the thoughts out of her mind.
What had she done?
"I'm sorry Harry..." she whispered. "I can't..."
*I wanna be the one*
********************************************************************************
"Hermione, dear. What are you doing here?"
Hermione sighed as her mother's familiar arms encircled her.
"I couldn't be there right now..."
Her mother nodded, understanding. She sat her down on the couch and put her arms around her like she used to when she was a small child.
"Is there something about you and Ron's relationship that I don't know about?"
"No... I'm not in love with him..."
Not him... but...
*I will remember you*
Harry was right. It would follow her.
*Will you remember me?*
But it wasn't Ron's death.
It was him.
"Mom, I can't go back there... At least not now."
"Well, you can stay here as long as you want."
"No... I can't stay here either. I have to get away from everything. I've made arrangements... I just came by to see you."
"Are you sure, Hermione. I mean-"
"Please mom... this is just something I have to do."
*Don't let your life pass you by*
"I trust you honey... but I hope you know what you're doing."
A single tear ran down Hermione's cheek.
"I do..."
*Weep not for the memories*
********************************************************************************
Harry tossed and turned all night. He couldn't sleep.
He hadn't slept in days.
*I'm so tired but I can't sleep*
She was out there somewhere... He had sent her owls... but every single time, Hedwig had come back carrying the letter, unable to find her.
Or maybe Hermione wouldn't take the letter.
At least he had Ginny for company, he probably would have gone stir crazy without her.
No. He was going crazy anyway.
She was just making it easier.
*Standin' on the edge of something much too deep*
It was weird. In a way, he was almost functioning normally. Or at least, on the inside. He talked with people, polite conversation, went to classes, did his homework. Or at least attempted to.
Every once and a while, someone would say,
"Are you okay?"
He'd nod, or say, "Yeah."
The only person that knew he was outright lying was Ginny.
*It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word*
No one could know, except Ginny, that he was falling apart. He appeared to be getting better every day, but in reality, he was getting worse. Crumbling a little more each day.
*We are screaming inside*
The worst part was not knowing. Was she alone? Was she okay? Was she crying? Laughing?
Was she thinking of him, like he was thinking of her?
*But we can't be heard*
Could she ever forget?
********************************************************************************
Hermione walked through the flat. Another event-less day.
Each new day came and went by as a blur.
She'd walk around. She'd sit down. She'd starve herself one day. Eat until she puked the next.
She'd drink herself to sleep.
She didn't know what she was doing here. All she knew was that she couldn't go back.
She couldn't face Harry now. After all this... She had said some really horrible things to him.
And couldn't go back because Ron would be lurking around every corner.
What was Harry doing now? Was he playing Quidditch? Was he in class? Was he laughing with Dean and Seamus? Talking with Ginny?
Was he in living hell, like she was?
Was he thinking of her?
*But I will remember you*
She checked the mail for anything interesting. Of course, there would be no letters. No one knew where she was except her parents.
Wait. There was a letter.
She opened it carefully and pulled it out.
Dear Miss Granger,
I will not be sending you letter after letter, unlike Harry undoubtedly will attempt to. But you need to come back. Harry needs you here. You need him. Running from this is not the best possible option. I realize you are in pain, and have lost someone as dear to you as family. But it will not go away, unless you face up to it. The pain of that loss will never ever lessen with time, like people say. But you will lean to eventually live with it. Please, come back, if not for yourself, for Harry. He appears to be fine to everyone else, but has not fooled Ginny nor I. Loosing Ron was difficult for him, but loosing you as well is destroying him. Ginny has been in my office many times, crying, for you as well as Harry. He is vulnerable and in danger.
You know it is not in my nature, but I am begging you in this respect.
Come back.
Albus Dumbledore
*Don't let your life pass you by*
Hermione sank to the ground, her legs unable to support her.
"I can't. I can't go back!!" She screamed. "Why can't you people understand!!!!! I can't... It won't go away..."
Her head pounded from yelling and crying, and she stumbled into the kitchen, nearly blinded by the steady stream of tears.
She opened drawers, cupboards. She emptied them on the floor, knives, forks, glass jars and containers smashed to the ground.
Finally she found the bottle of aspirin, and poured out its contents.
Anything to make it go away.
She swallowed all the pills, nearly choking.
She just wanted it all to go away...
She stood there, leaning against the counter, sobbing.
*Weep not for the memories*
Se began to feel drowsy, and when her legs could no longer support her, she fell.
She felt herself land on something cold and sharp, but remembered no more after that.
Her world went dark.
********************************************************************************
Harry sat in the dormitory, staring out the window, towards the forest.
Towards the glade.
It was quiet up there, and he could think without the hustle and bustle of the common room.
"Harry!" Came Ginny's distraught voice from behind him.
"What? What's wrong?" He turned around and saw she was crying.
"It's Hermione."
"What? What happened? Is she okay? Where is sh-"
"Harry... she's in the hospital."
"What?"
"I- I don't know what happened... Dumbledore just sent me a note..."
He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her out of the dorm with him.
He pulled her all the way up to Dumbledore's office.
"What happened?"
"She overdosed- on painkillers. Landed on a bunch of knives, glass..."
"Oh my god..." Ginny squeezed his hand.
"Is she bad?"
The headmaster nodded.
"I want to see her."
"Harry, I-"
"I want to see her."
"Meet me in the Entrance Hall in five minutes with your cloaks."
********************************************************************************
Ginny, Harry and Dumbledore entered the muggle hospital and walked up to the desk.
"Can you please tell me where Hermione Granger is?"
The receptionist snapped her gum and typed on the computer.
"She's just been moved from Trauma to the ICU. Fourth floor. But only family's being let in to see her."
"We're going up anyway."
They rode the elevator up to the fourth floor.
Hermione's parents were pacing back in forth outside one of the rooms.
Harry walked over and gave Mrs. Granger a hug.
"Is she okay?"
Mr. Granger sighed. "I- I don't know. They're checking her over now..."
Harry sighed and sat down next to Ginny in one of the uncomfortable lobby chairs.
"This is all my fault, Gin."
"Don't say that, Harry. Just don't."
"Why not? It's the truth."
"No, Harry. You've blamed yourself all your life... for your parents death... for Sirius, and now for this... None of it's your fault."
"I got them into this... and then Ron was killed. I let Hermione leave, Ginny! What do you think led to this? She was alone... Look what she's done to herself. Because I wasn't there... I kept imagining that she was happy where she was and that she had forgotten it all! Stupid me, huh. I should have looked for her... I should have followed her... done something... anything... but I didn't... and she's in there, being prodded by a bunch of doctors... Wondering if they can save her ass..."
"Harry, stop it. Stop it right now! It's not your fault okay? It's just the way things turned out! It's horrible, and I'm sorry about that, but you have to stop blaming yourself! Or you'll end up like her... depressed and a mess. And that won't do anyone any good."
As she finished, the doctor came out of Hermione's room. They all stood up.
"Well... we pumped her stomach and managed to stabilize her. We'll keep her on observation. We've stitched up all the lacerations and made sure there's no glass in them. All we can do now... is wait for her to wake up."
"Can I see her?" Harry asked.
"Are you family?" The doctor inquired.
Before Harry could answer, Mr. Granger spoke up.
"Yes. Yes he is."
"Fine, then, you can go in and see her."
She walked away as Harry entered the hospital room.
There she was. She was ghostly pale, her frizzy hair framing her face. She was hooked up to IVs and breathing tubes and was covered in bandages, where she had been cut.
He sat down beside her and gripped her hand.
"I'm sorry..." he said. "This is all my fault... I don't care what Ginny says. I don't know why I let you go. I should have stopped you. I should have made sure you were okay. I should have made sure Ron was safe. I should have done a million other things to make sure this didn't happen."
He paused as tears slipped silently down his cheek.
"I should have kissed you a long time ago so that you'd know what you mean to me."
*I'm so afraid to love you*
"I've been in living hell, Hermione. Not a minute of each and every day has gone by that I didn't think of you. I haven't slept... I didn't know where were, what you were doing... whether you were laughing or crying or even if you were dead or alive..."
He kissed her hand, fighting unsuccessfully against impending tears.
*But more afraid to lose*
"I can't loose you again... I lost Ron, and I refuse to loose you, especially to this...
"You told me that just because I was famous Harry Potter, all courageous and brave and strong and I could take it, you couldn't. Where do you think all that strength comes from? You and Ron. You guys kept me alive. Just because a long time ago I nearly killed a powerful wizard, doesn't mean I'm strong. I already lost Ron. I needed you to cope with it, Hermi. I'm nothing without you."
*Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose*
He leaned over and cried, gripping her hand between his.
"Oh God, Hermi, please..."
He stayed like that for a long time, tears falling onto the white hospital sheets.
He finally sat up, breathing deeply.
"I need you to wake up for me, Hermione. Remember that day... when you, Ron and I sat under the tree and talked about what we wanted to do after Hogwarts? And you said you wanted to go to France and sit in one of those little sidewalk cafes sipping café au lait? You wake up from this and I'll take you. We'll sit there, and people watch... I'll take you on a boat ride down the Seine... and we'll laugh about this... We'll look back and laugh. You told me you always wanted to learn French..."
He crawled up onto the bed with her, careful not pull out any of the cords.
"I'm staying here, and I'm not moving until you wake up..."
And, listening to the beep of her heart monitor, he fell asleep for the first time since she left.
********************************************************************************
Harry eventually woke, stretching after sleeping on the uncomfortable hospital bed.
The events of the previous days came rushing back.
Wait- wasn't he lying with Hermione?
The room was dark and there was no one there.
Immediately, the worst situation sprung to mind.
"Oh no..."
He jumped off the bed and ran to the door.
It was locked.
He pounded on the door and hoped someone would hear him and let him out.
Seeing him him, Ginny got up and let him out, throwing her arms around him.
"Harry, are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"You fell asleep next to Hermione... You were screaming, and flailing your arms, the nurses couldn't wake you. You just kept yelling... They were scared you'd hurt her, or yourself, so they brought you to this room. You scared me..."
"Is Herm okay?"
Ginny paused. "Harry... she coded."
Harry stared at her.
"Just as they were taking you out. Her heart stopped, she stopped breathing. They managed to stabilize her again, though."
Harry breathed a sigh of relief.
"Has she woken up yet?"
"She's been in and out of consciousness. She keeps calling for you. But we still couldn't wake you... Harry, why didn't you tell me you haven't slept since she left?"
"I- wasn't it obvious?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right..."
"Have you gone into see her?"
"Once. She was awake, but not at all coherent. She thought I was Ron. I thought it was best to leave."
"Where are her parents?"
"Dumbledore took them home. Told them they needed to rest. Then he went back to the castle."
Harry smiled at her.
"Thanks for staying, Gin."
"No problem."
He gave her a hug and kissed her cheek, before reentering the hospital room.
She was lying there, forehead dotted with sweat. She was breathing on her own now, without a ventilator, but she was still hooked up to the heart monitor.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
He sat down next to her and held her hand.
He watched her sleep on fitfully, breathing deeply.
This time, no tears came.
She stirred after a while, shifting positions.
"Harry... Harry?!" She yelled.
Harry squeezed her hand.
"Shhhh... I'm here Hermi..."
She calmed down, and squeezing his hand back, sighed.
"Don't leave..."
"I won't."
She fell into a peaceful sleep.
Harry sighed. It was a good sign, right? That she was waking up, no matter for how long...
"Is she doing okay?" Came a voice from behind him.
Fred and George were standing there.
"Yeah... I think she'll be okay. I hope..."
"You look tired, Harry."
"Yeah well, I haven't really been sleeping..."
"Well, we have to get back to the shop. We heard... and just wanted to make sure she was okay."
"Thanks."
"Bye..."
Both the twins leaned over and kissed Hermione on the forehead. Then they left, leaving Harry alone with his thoughts.
He sat there, unmoving, just as he had at Ron's funeral.
They all deserved better than this.
He smiled as the last of the setting sun's rays, coming through the window, lingered on her. They made her hair shine. She looked angelic, peaceful, in no pain.
Harry laughed. A rich, deep laugh. It felt good. For some reason, seeing her like that... he felt safe. As if everything was going to be okay. She would wake up... everything would be fine. There was something about those small, seemingly insignificant rays of light... He felt renewed.
*Once there was a darkness*
He heard a faint moan.
"Hermione?"
Harry looked down, as her eyes fluttered open.
"Herm?"
"Harry..." she breathed. "Where... am I?"
"You're in the hospital, Herm."
"What... I- Harry, I'm s-"
"Shhhh... It's okay... God, you scared me. I thought I'd loose you too..."
*A Deep and endless night*
He kissed her softly, cupping her chin in his hand.
Finally he pulled away, smiling his first real smile since she left.
"I have to go get the doctors. Be back in a minute."
He walked out of the room.
********************************************************************************
Ginny noticed a spring in Harry's step as he exited the hospital wing.
"Ginny! She's awake!"
"She is?"
Ginny jumped up and threw her arms around Harry.
"God that was scary..."
"No kidding... I'm going to get the doctors. Go in and see her."
Ginny watched him walk away, smiling, then entered the room. Hermione was lying there, looking up at the ceiling.
"Hey."
She looked up. "Hi..."
"How are you feeling?" Ginny asked, sitting down next to her.
"I'm sore..."
"Well, I'm glad to see you awake. And so is Harry, by the way he walked out of here." She giggled.
"Hmm..." Hermione replied.
Ginny paused. "This was really hard on him, Hermione. All of it..."
Hermione bowed her head. "Ginny, I-"
But at that moment, Harry returned with the doctors, and Hermione never finished her sentence.
"Are you in pain, Miss Granger?"
"Yeah, a little..."
"Okay, start another IV drip... codeine." The doctor ordered the nurse.
The doctors continued to examine her, taking her vitals and making sure she was all right.
"Okay, we'll keep you here for observation, for 48 hours, or more, depending on how fast your lacerations heal."
The doctor left, leaving Harry, Ginny and Hermione alone.
"Where are my parents?" Hermione asked.
"Dumbledore took them home."
"Can someone get them?"
Harry looked over to Ginny.
"Harry, could you do it? You know her parents better than I do."
Harry reluctantly left.
"I- I know I have no right to ask you this, but... Hermione, Harry, well, he totally fell apart after you left. I- it hurt to see him like that. Why did you leave Hermione?"
Tears ran down Hermione's cheeks. "Ginny- I don't know why I left... I- it got too much. I just wanted it to all go away... Harry was right though... it- Ron... he followed me everywhere... but it wasn't just Ron..."
*You gave me everything you had*
"I'm sorry, Herm. I just- He's in love with you. He already lost Ron, and when you left... It was like he- he withered away. He hasn't slept, except when he fell asleep right here beside you, since you left. To all the other people around, he seemed to be almost functioning normally, except not much for conversation. But, we'd sit together... and he'd be staring out the window... and just start crying... I can't tell you how many nights he cried, just lying there, not able to sleep while I sat there, trying to comfort him. I know it was wrong, but I couldn't help- I couldn't help feeling angry, because you ran... and left him here, to do this alone. I can't be mad at you now... but I was then. I know it must have been just as bad for you, but all I saw was him... it nearly killed him, Herm... It nearly killed him..."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I just couldn't... It was too much Ginny..."
"I'm not blaming you, Herm. I- I probably would have done the same thing. But Harry- he thinks it's his fault. He needs you to tell him... That it wasn't his fault..."
"I'm sorry..."
Ginny wrapped her arms around her friend, tears streaming down both their faces.
Finally, they pulled apart, laughing.
"Oh god, Herm. It's been lonely in that common room without you."
Hermione laughed, despite herself. "Oh please, can we talk about something happy..."
Ginny nodded and they got to talking about school, giggling.
"You two seem happy." Harry said, walking in. "Your parents are on the way."
"Thanks." She said, smiling back at him.
*Oh you gave me light*
********************************************************************************
Harry pushed Hermione down the hall in her wheelchair. Ginny had gone back to the castle, but Harry had refused, even after much urging from Dumbledore.
They went outside, and stopped under their favorite tree.
Hermione sat in silence, for a moment, pondering what she would say.
Something that had been nagging at the back of her mind ever since that talk with Ginny. Nearly a week ago.
Of course, in a way, she already knew the answer.
"Why are you so quiet?" he asked.
"Harry... what did you do... while I was gone? You've showered me with attention, and hugs and- but you never once said anything about what you did while I was gone. And every time you seem about to say something... you stop. And- I need to know Harry. I can't not know. For the past seven years, I've shared my life with you and Ron. I- I was gone along time. Too long... I shouldn't have even gone at all.... But- I need to know what you did while I was gone."
Harry didn't seem surprised by this question, but remained silent. Finally he sighed.
"Nothing. I did nothing. Well, actually... I- I thought about you. I guess where you were, and what you were doing... I cried. I sulked. I didn't eat much. I didn't do my homework. I tried to sleep, but didn't. I sat with Ginny. I... I cursed myself for dragging you guys into this..."
*And I will remember you*
"I did this, Herm. I got Ron killed... I let you leave... It might as well have been me that put you in this hospital... How can I... How can I ever forgive myself? I don't know how I've lived with myself for this long... I got Ron killed, nearly got you killed. Hell, I could still get you killed..."
*Will you remember me?*
"And everyday, I tell myself, 'You should leave. Get out of here.' And I can't. It's so selfish of me, but I just can't leave. I can't."
He looked up at her, emerald eyes shining with tears.
"Because of you, Hermione Granger. I- I am so in love with you... It hurts..."
He looked like a child, eyes pleading. But it seemed, he didn't know what he was asking her to do.
To reject him.
Or to love him back.
*Don't let your life pass you by*
She pulled him into her, searching for his lips. They met, drinking each other, feeding off each other. Emotions bottled up over years went into that kiss, overflowing into that one, simple, passionate act.
They finally pulled away from each other, and Hermione leaned her forehead against his.
"I should have kissed you a million years ago."
"Why?" She asked in a barely audible whisper. It wasn't that she felt the statement needed to be questioned, but she needed know whether she was thinking what he was thinking.
"Because it wouldn't have hurt as much..."
*Weep not for the memories*
He pulled her gently out of her wheelchair, and into his arms. They lay in silence, leaning against the tree.
Wondering whether Ron was watching over them.
Wondering what he'd think if he saw them now
"I wasn't running away from you." Hermione finally said. "I wasn't running away from Ron. I was running away from myself... And it didn't even work..."
********************************************************************************
Hermione breathed a sigh of relief as Harry and her parents walked her out of the hospital. She had spent two weeks in there, and even though was still very sore; she was dying to get out of there.
They arrived at the familiar house and Harry helped her up to her room. She flopped down on the comfortable bed, sighing, and glad she wouldn't have to sleep in that horrible hospital room with white washed walls.
Harry let out a laugh. "I expected it to be, like, neat Herm. This place is a mess!"
"I'm smart, but I never was, and never will be a neat freak..."
Harry sat down on the chair, shoving aside a pile of clothing. His face went from joyful to serious very quickly.
Something Hermione didn't like to see.
He had been so happy, the past while. And according to what Ginny had told her, he was the total opposite than what he was while she was gone. He laughed, he smiled, he positively glowed.
And to think, it had been her fault he hadn't slept.
Her fault he hadn't eaten.
Her fault he had been crumbling away.
"Hermione, I have to go back."
She looked up.
"Dumbledore owled me yesterday. He said I had to come back, that I've missed too much school..."
"You're leaving?" She asked. "Harry-"
"I promised myself, a long time ago, that I wouldn't go back there without you."
"Harry, I-"
"Hermione, you have to go back there sometime. We both have to. I'm not going to let you go back alone, but you have to go eventually. I need you to go back with me."
"How, Harry? How can I go back there? He'll be around every corner, everywhere I go."
"What's the difference, Herm? Having him follow you around here, or at school? If you keep thinking it, he'll haunt you, no matter where you are. Whether you're six feet under or standing on top of the world! If you're constantly looking for Ron's approval in everything we do... You're never going to get it! He's gone Hermione. You know that. He's not going to appear to you, nod his head and tell you it's okay... It's just us, Hermione. You. Me. He's watching over us, I'm sure, but he's not here. And you can't feel guilty for everything we do because he's not here... Remember him, but don't let him control you. He didn't do it when he was alive, don't let him do it now..."
*And I will remember you*
"Why do you think this never happened, before, Harry? Us. Why do you think? Because we didn't feel it? You know that's not true, just as well as I do. I would have felt guilty about it then, and I do now. And so do you..."
"He knew, Hermione. He knew the whole time. Since second year. We weren't exactly subtle about it. I don't know if anyone else knew, but he knew. But he was happy. He didn't care. And he wouldn't now."
*Will you remember me?*
"What do you want me to do, Harry?"
"I want you to hold my hand, walk with me up to that castle. I want you to walk down the halls with me. If you see Ron, I want you to smile at him. And you're going to study, and pass your exams with flying colors. And then I'm going to take you to France, and we're going to sit in one of those little cafes and sip café au lait. I'll take you to the Eiffel tower, and we'll drop pennies off the top, even though were not supposed to. Just like you said you wanted to. We'll earn French, and try to speak to the people there, but I'll fail miserably. I'll take you in one of those little boats down the Seine, but get someone else to sing for you, because the sound of my voice would just turn you off." He kissed her hand. "I just want you to be happy again. To live again."
*Don't let your life pass you by*
"If you promise you won't blame yourself... Then I'll let you take me to France..."
"I'm working on it."
He kissed her on the forehead. "Get some sleep. I'm right across the hall..."
"Stay with me." She said, yawning.
He climbed up onto the bed with her.
"Goodnight."
"Mm.." She said, snuggling into him.
********************************************************************************
She squeezed his hand, taking a deep breath.
"Ready?" He said.
She shook her head. "No. But I never will be..."
*Weep not for the memories*
He kissed her softly, brushing her hair out of her face.
"Come on." He said, pulling her forward.
A single tear ran down her cheek.
*Weep not for the memories*
"I'll help you through this, Herm. But you have to let me..."
She smiled up at him, and they both walked forward, a considerable weight lifting from their shoulders.
********************************************************************************
So, yeah, that was my 25-page story. Long, sad. I cried writing it. I hope you enjoyed it. I was writing Gwynedd's Den, and then this idea popped into my head. My muse kept banging on my head, so I was forced to write it.
Please Review. A lot of work was put into this one, and I think it's tied for my favorite story I ever wrote, with Good Gifts. (That's sad too... please go read it!)
Any reviews will be greatly appreciated, since I put so much work into this!
Thank you once more,
~Danie