Hi! This is (smiles evilly) my little disclaimer. I don't own evangelion, or Kaworu would be alive and dating Shinji. Duuuuuhhh. ^_~
Personal disclaimer: How utterly inconspicuous of yourself to have committed such a thing, my dear lamb, but I am not proposing with all my entirety that this incident should be repeated. I do dare believe, if it is within the realms of sane judgment, that such actions should be brought to a point of less extremity.
Did you know that that paragraph was perfectly legible to a person classified at an average of twelfth grade level?
________________
My first thought as I was falling was, oddly enough, how light I was. My stomach opposed to my weightlessness, and that thought was finally followed by the obvious: I'll probably die.
If your foot is snagged by a pebble, and you lurch forward, staggering, you would have felt for only the barest milliscond the true sensation of falling - like - flying, almost, with nothing so comfortable as the air whispering around your body, no aching feet from standing nor bum from sitting, weight temporarily detatched from you. Your shadow will not yet have appeared on the ground, save the barest pinprick of shade usually allotted to a humble ant or devious mosquito.
And then… then there was a new coolness, a liquid rush that did not quite belong, here in the middle of the air… but then, of course, neither did I, and there was no denying my presence.
My mind seemed to be sliding out of my reach, in a slippery dark substance. Everything was captured in a vague, indifferent blur, and I found now neither joy nor the expected fear in falling. I felt… oddly sleepy.
And that was without a doubt my last thought before I slept.
* * * * *
There is weight once more, a pressure, a reassurement of my existence. My shoulders and thighs are where the pressure is, and it feels susupiciously like arms - that I am being carried princess-style. (Which can be considered an indignity, as I am a boy).
Sight is now an option for me as well - (I thought when you were dead you had no true physical form; how odd) and yet all remains an uninteresting blur though it was gradually sharpening into…
"Kaworu? God, what happened to me - to you! You're dead, I swear I'm sorry…"
Above me is the familiar lazy, long-lipped smile, and I am content, this feeling of being… filled, loved, completed, at peace. Like having eaten and being ready to sleep, almost. But not quite. Not really. Just the need to stay, here, safe in a warm hold of a perfect, trusted angel.
"Shinji? Welcome to heaven, Ikari."
Heaven. Physical form? Wasn't there supposed to be some higher awareness, some unexplainable vision?
"Kaworu? Kaworu - brother - please - what happened?"
"We are here, Shinji. There is no room for past or future in an eternity, only now, and here. And that means," pressing gently with two pale fingers upon my mouth, "No questions."
"Nagisa, I have not found my place like you. I'm not content. You have found yourself, but I must-" I cease speaking even as he smiles a warning, "wrong question", sympathetic smile, before warming to the usual expression.
"You must have found something, or you wouldn't be here, iie?"
Setting me, a confused child, once more, and, clutching desparately at my savior Kaworu, down, Kaworu takes my hand carefully within his own. Memory brings me his words from long ago, traced along forgotten lines in my mind to the burned imprints in my soul.
"… You are fragile, like glass…"
And it was not pity, just an observation, perhaps slightly amused, perhaps for my benifeit. Something that I, tottering and unstable as I was, needed to hear, needed to be acknowledged.
I am but a cowardly, bothered child that had the misfortune to be a 14 year old Eva pilot. And the fortune to find Kaworu, who knew, who was, and who soothed the pain. He was queer. Undescribable, unpredictable, and exactly what I needed. He was Kaworu.
I blushed, uneasy that he should hold my hand. He wasn't ignorant, that I certainly doubt, but smiled anyways, at some whenever his eyes had found, looking like the same casual, slightly zoned yet wholly aware person I had known, grasping my hand tighter, teasing. He knew I felt secure there, but was unused to it, and was the same, childlike creature I had been on earth. He was a mother, father, brother… And part lover. He cared for me, tended me like a frail little babe. Brought me wonders - love, freedom, warmth.
So I asked no questions and simply followed. I would obey happily.
__________________-
"I am confused, Kaworu…" I curl my fingers around the soft flesh of his arm.
"Why? How can anyone be confused? What is more simple?" Kawo-chan grins, his face vaguely catlike.
"Easily, comrade. Easily. What is going to happen? What has happened? Why am I here, and what is here?" Questions tear from the same tongue that had once been silenced and now ignores all protests.
"Shinji? Shinji-kun, hold. You wish to know?" Mild irritation forms an itch in the back of my mind.
"Yes, of course. That would be why I asked." Kaworu ignores the ice that drips boldly in my tone.
"You are ready to be Judged, then?" No. Yes. Maybe. Judged? Iie. Hai. Moshikashitara. Rihi?
I am unsure. Where is the correct answer in this? Is it even a question? So confused…
Kaworu's slight arm darts out and captures me forcefully against his chest.
"If you are not sure, Shinji, then do not speak in questions. The guardians will hear you, and they mustn't take you away…" He sounded for all the world like a child clutching a lost animal to his chest, silencing it so an overbearing parent will not discover and dispose of it.
"Don't let them take you away… Please, Kami-sama, give me my way this once, and don't take him away…" His smile is now almost wistful, and he holds me so hard it hurts. I don't make a sound.
"Good boy. Thank you. Now, come and I shall try hard to explain everything…"
"I had Adam's soul. This is, in truth, a physical world. My soul was not my own, so I was brought here. Very few are allowed such a privilege, but I was granted a deal…"
My mouth is fair ready to explode in its inability to voice my customary curiosity. I dare not put voice to this, and content my restless self to rest against the welcoming crook of his arm.
"…If you were willing when you died (yes, Shinji, you have died…) then I could be reincarnated with you. We would share a soul. All true soul mates share a soul, so this is no problem. Except… Your soul is less flexible than others. We would have to be carefull. You'd be allowed to live any life you choose, from the exotic rainforest shack to a mansion in France. Anywhere is fine, and I would be reincarnated as well. We could choose to keep or lose our memories (myself, I'd prefer to keep mine, if that was alright with you), and so on and so forth. At that point we'd present ourselves to the guardians, who, by the way, hate questions more than anything else, and we'd be judged and they would decide whether or not we were worthy of reincarnation… I shall assume that you understand."
I observed that he did not ask with some interest; he had asked very few questions, and managed to turn most into statements, such as 'I shall assume that you understand' as opposed to 'do you understand?'.
"I understand." It was easy, confirming that.
_____________________
Judgment day had come. And I wasn't afraid, with his warmth beside me. Odd, how love can impair your normal good sense. Ah, well. There wasn't exactly a cure for this type of thing, anyway.
Black shimmering haze at the corners of my eye was the only clue that there was some physical form to the owner of these voices. Ice tackles my core as these strict guardians review our actions…
We have been admitted into the hall of rebirth. Souls wander listlessly, considering new life and ablaze with rippling, transparent excitement.
Kaworu… I clutch myself to his soft, warm body, hoping to attain some of his grimly confidant heat.
"You do not wish to go back, I doubt." Kaworu hovers comfortingly over me, light face forever smiling, but checking me for blooming hesitation.
"No, no. No such luck, Kaworu." I saught to brighten for his sake.
"Come, then. Perhaps we can get this over with. You just wait, I suppose."
He gestured to cloud-wisps created into an intricately detailed bench. Despite my time spent here, it continued to unnerve me, the formation of random desired objets from air. Sitting down, the 5th child ushered me gently into his lap, knowing my fear of its lack of instability. I doubt, if it had been unstable, that that would have helped, but laying in his lap earased fear, and since he was positive of the secureness of the bench, I suppose there was no point in worrying in the first place.
Personal disclaimer: How utterly inconspicuous of yourself to have committed such a thing, my dear lamb, but I am not proposing with all my entirety that this incident should be repeated. I do dare believe, if it is within the realms of sane judgment, that such actions should be brought to a point of less extremity.
Did you know that that paragraph was perfectly legible to a person classified at an average of twelfth grade level?
________________
My first thought as I was falling was, oddly enough, how light I was. My stomach opposed to my weightlessness, and that thought was finally followed by the obvious: I'll probably die.
If your foot is snagged by a pebble, and you lurch forward, staggering, you would have felt for only the barest milliscond the true sensation of falling - like - flying, almost, with nothing so comfortable as the air whispering around your body, no aching feet from standing nor bum from sitting, weight temporarily detatched from you. Your shadow will not yet have appeared on the ground, save the barest pinprick of shade usually allotted to a humble ant or devious mosquito.
And then… then there was a new coolness, a liquid rush that did not quite belong, here in the middle of the air… but then, of course, neither did I, and there was no denying my presence.
My mind seemed to be sliding out of my reach, in a slippery dark substance. Everything was captured in a vague, indifferent blur, and I found now neither joy nor the expected fear in falling. I felt… oddly sleepy.
And that was without a doubt my last thought before I slept.
* * * * *
There is weight once more, a pressure, a reassurement of my existence. My shoulders and thighs are where the pressure is, and it feels susupiciously like arms - that I am being carried princess-style. (Which can be considered an indignity, as I am a boy).
Sight is now an option for me as well - (I thought when you were dead you had no true physical form; how odd) and yet all remains an uninteresting blur though it was gradually sharpening into…
"Kaworu? God, what happened to me - to you! You're dead, I swear I'm sorry…"
Above me is the familiar lazy, long-lipped smile, and I am content, this feeling of being… filled, loved, completed, at peace. Like having eaten and being ready to sleep, almost. But not quite. Not really. Just the need to stay, here, safe in a warm hold of a perfect, trusted angel.
"Shinji? Welcome to heaven, Ikari."
Heaven. Physical form? Wasn't there supposed to be some higher awareness, some unexplainable vision?
"Kaworu? Kaworu - brother - please - what happened?"
"We are here, Shinji. There is no room for past or future in an eternity, only now, and here. And that means," pressing gently with two pale fingers upon my mouth, "No questions."
"Nagisa, I have not found my place like you. I'm not content. You have found yourself, but I must-" I cease speaking even as he smiles a warning, "wrong question", sympathetic smile, before warming to the usual expression.
"You must have found something, or you wouldn't be here, iie?"
Setting me, a confused child, once more, and, clutching desparately at my savior Kaworu, down, Kaworu takes my hand carefully within his own. Memory brings me his words from long ago, traced along forgotten lines in my mind to the burned imprints in my soul.
"… You are fragile, like glass…"
And it was not pity, just an observation, perhaps slightly amused, perhaps for my benifeit. Something that I, tottering and unstable as I was, needed to hear, needed to be acknowledged.
I am but a cowardly, bothered child that had the misfortune to be a 14 year old Eva pilot. And the fortune to find Kaworu, who knew, who was, and who soothed the pain. He was queer. Undescribable, unpredictable, and exactly what I needed. He was Kaworu.
I blushed, uneasy that he should hold my hand. He wasn't ignorant, that I certainly doubt, but smiled anyways, at some whenever his eyes had found, looking like the same casual, slightly zoned yet wholly aware person I had known, grasping my hand tighter, teasing. He knew I felt secure there, but was unused to it, and was the same, childlike creature I had been on earth. He was a mother, father, brother… And part lover. He cared for me, tended me like a frail little babe. Brought me wonders - love, freedom, warmth.
So I asked no questions and simply followed. I would obey happily.
__________________-
"I am confused, Kaworu…" I curl my fingers around the soft flesh of his arm.
"Why? How can anyone be confused? What is more simple?" Kawo-chan grins, his face vaguely catlike.
"Easily, comrade. Easily. What is going to happen? What has happened? Why am I here, and what is here?" Questions tear from the same tongue that had once been silenced and now ignores all protests.
"Shinji? Shinji-kun, hold. You wish to know?" Mild irritation forms an itch in the back of my mind.
"Yes, of course. That would be why I asked." Kaworu ignores the ice that drips boldly in my tone.
"You are ready to be Judged, then?" No. Yes. Maybe. Judged? Iie. Hai. Moshikashitara. Rihi?
I am unsure. Where is the correct answer in this? Is it even a question? So confused…
Kaworu's slight arm darts out and captures me forcefully against his chest.
"If you are not sure, Shinji, then do not speak in questions. The guardians will hear you, and they mustn't take you away…" He sounded for all the world like a child clutching a lost animal to his chest, silencing it so an overbearing parent will not discover and dispose of it.
"Don't let them take you away… Please, Kami-sama, give me my way this once, and don't take him away…" His smile is now almost wistful, and he holds me so hard it hurts. I don't make a sound.
"Good boy. Thank you. Now, come and I shall try hard to explain everything…"
"I had Adam's soul. This is, in truth, a physical world. My soul was not my own, so I was brought here. Very few are allowed such a privilege, but I was granted a deal…"
My mouth is fair ready to explode in its inability to voice my customary curiosity. I dare not put voice to this, and content my restless self to rest against the welcoming crook of his arm.
"…If you were willing when you died (yes, Shinji, you have died…) then I could be reincarnated with you. We would share a soul. All true soul mates share a soul, so this is no problem. Except… Your soul is less flexible than others. We would have to be carefull. You'd be allowed to live any life you choose, from the exotic rainforest shack to a mansion in France. Anywhere is fine, and I would be reincarnated as well. We could choose to keep or lose our memories (myself, I'd prefer to keep mine, if that was alright with you), and so on and so forth. At that point we'd present ourselves to the guardians, who, by the way, hate questions more than anything else, and we'd be judged and they would decide whether or not we were worthy of reincarnation… I shall assume that you understand."
I observed that he did not ask with some interest; he had asked very few questions, and managed to turn most into statements, such as 'I shall assume that you understand' as opposed to 'do you understand?'.
"I understand." It was easy, confirming that.
_____________________
Judgment day had come. And I wasn't afraid, with his warmth beside me. Odd, how love can impair your normal good sense. Ah, well. There wasn't exactly a cure for this type of thing, anyway.
Black shimmering haze at the corners of my eye was the only clue that there was some physical form to the owner of these voices. Ice tackles my core as these strict guardians review our actions…
We have been admitted into the hall of rebirth. Souls wander listlessly, considering new life and ablaze with rippling, transparent excitement.
Kaworu… I clutch myself to his soft, warm body, hoping to attain some of his grimly confidant heat.
"You do not wish to go back, I doubt." Kaworu hovers comfortingly over me, light face forever smiling, but checking me for blooming hesitation.
"No, no. No such luck, Kaworu." I saught to brighten for his sake.
"Come, then. Perhaps we can get this over with. You just wait, I suppose."
He gestured to cloud-wisps created into an intricately detailed bench. Despite my time spent here, it continued to unnerve me, the formation of random desired objets from air. Sitting down, the 5th child ushered me gently into his lap, knowing my fear of its lack of instability. I doubt, if it had been unstable, that that would have helped, but laying in his lap earased fear, and since he was positive of the secureness of the bench, I suppose there was no point in worrying in the first place.