Author's note: Hmm. This part is...different. This one is kind of...a look into Dai's psyche, the way his life as become. His explanation of why he's been the way he's been in this fic, so far. It's a little confusing, and I'm sorry.
General information: I didn't go with all the Ep. 50 couples. Just a little note for upcoming chapters.
Disclaimer: Same as before.
Warning: Read chapter one through nine.
_______________
Author: Rae
Title: Undecided
Content: Yaoi.
Daisuke ran for all he was worth once he reached the street. He heard Ken call his name from above, but ignored him, intent on getting away. He didn't want to face the pitying eyes of his friend and his family. It was too much.
He saw the bus, and quickened his pace. His heart was already beating heavily from his descent down the fire escape. Soccer hadn't prepared him for eight flight of steep stairs. Next time he ran away, he'd use the front door. The elevator was quicker, and easier.
Once on the bus, he found a seat in back. This time, though it was a little fuller, he managed to find a window seat, facing the buildings. He saw Ken run up, his hair trailing away from his face. His expression was urgent, his eyes distressed. For a second, their gazes connected, and then Dai looked away, the bus already pulling away from the curb.
He ignored the people around him, not really paying attention to anything. He just wanted to find a place where the world and his friends wouldn't find him. He'd already caused them enough problems, they didn't need to worry about him anymore. The bus trip back to Odaiba was as boring as the one to Tamachi. However, he couldn't sleep on the way back. He wished he could, his head leaning against the cool glass of the window.
"What's the matter, sonny?" He looked beside him, into the face of a kindly old woman.
With barely tempered annoyance, he fairly snarled at her. "I'm wishing to be dead, but I can't seem to convince fate to let the bus crash." Her startled gasp, and scurry as she moved away made him smile slightly. He knew it was mean of him, but he didn't want to deal with the probing of his friends, let alone strangers.
The sun was setting, and he tilted his head to watch it through the dirty glass. It had been a good day, really. He'd faced his father, had fun with his friends. Managed to put one in a guilt trip, and had another fight for him.
He smiled, his thoughts drifting to Takeru and Hikari. He was waiting for them to tell him they were going out. They were perfect for each other. Two angels, so innocent and sweet. They weren't overly friendly when around the others, but there was an unmistakeable closeness, an indescribable bond between the two. A bond that was likely shared between their brothers, as well. Unlike with the two older siblings, he was unable to actually catch them acting as anything more than friends.
They were the perfect family, the Takaishi-Ishida-Yagami clan. His grin turned wistful as he remembered the crush that he had had on Kari. He had thought her wonderful. So kind, so sweet. The Japanese picture of feminine beauty and grace. Everything that a young boy could want.
And, man, had he wanted her. She had seemed the answer to all his prayers. If he could bring home Ms. Perfection herself, his parents would love him, and the world would be a beautiful place. Then, he had met Takeru, and all his thoughts of normalcy had flown out the window. That had been the first day he accepted that he'd never gain his parent's approval. It had made him mad, having to accept a fate that seemed so cruel.
So, he had bantered with the blonde, and turned him into a rival for the affection of a girl he pretended to lust after. He had seen their closeness, their bond, and it had only made him tremble with fury, at the thought that they were both a goal he couldn't hope to attain.
Then, he had met Ken. The great 'Rocket', with his silky blue tresses, and unreadable indigo eyes. That soccer game, where he had played his hardest in a losing game, had been the biggest event of his life, to that point. He hadn't even minded the loss, another event in itself.
Discovering that that beauty hid the cruelty of the Kaiser had pissed him off to no end, either. It just added to the misery that was his life, another obstacle between him and that ever-elusive contentment that he saw others achieve.
He had cried himself to the point of vomiting, something that only occurs when you force yourself to be miserable. Sure, he could have accepted everything that was thrown his way, but he hadn't wanted to, not then, not ever. With a silent vow, he had promised to work until he had everything that made him happy.
That vow lasted all of a few weeks, until the day they defeated Kimeramon, and he saw the heart behind his nemisis' facade. All thoughts of fighting slipped away, and he realized that the refusal to concede to unhappiness could lead to worse things.
Shaking himself out of his own pity party, he had gone after Ken as soon as was reasonable, which was, to him, a couple more days. He started to pester the boy, trying to convince him that there was a second chance for everyone. He eventually convinced them all, and they became a team, defeating Malomyotismon.
His world crashed around his ears another time, when he realized that his friends didn't need him anymore. He had been so focused on winning, that he had lost the pain, and the loneliness. He had friends, and was even getting along with Jun.
After defeating the virus digimon, everyone separated, trying to find the parts of themselves that they had lost in the battle. Eventually, though, they rebanded, and still hung with each other, including Daisuke. They weren't as close as they had been, but that was normal for all friends in time. They had different lives, dissimilar hobbies that didn't allow for a lot of together time.
Daisuke accepted that. He had soccer, and Chibi, and Ken. They were still really close. Until a year ago, when they started high school. Nobody had time outside of school to spare. Always running this way, running that way. Within the chaos, they let days, then weeks, slide by without communication.
Not that they didn't pick up the telephone every once in a while to say 'hi'. That's why Yamato had been at his house two nights before. They took turns, alternating between friends, so that noone slipped beneath the cracks. He was sure that someplace, there was a calendar of who visited whom, when. Not that he'd seen it, but that someone different popped in, or called, every week. This week, Matt. Last week: Yolei. Next week, probably Kari.
It was nice, in a way. He didn't have to worry that anyone forgot him. They all sent cards or gifts on his birthday, at Christmas. They all got together once a month, and had fun.
He wasn't being ignored, or pushed away.
However, those visits, those brief points of contact? They were all impersonal. They never asked if his life was okay. They never went beyond the surface, trivial things. They weren't deep, 'how is your life' conversations. Just the basics, just the surface.
His surface was fine, dammit! It was everything else that wasn't holding together so well. It was the little things that tore at him, day after day. And it was those 'little things' that they didn't ask about, that they didn't touch on when they talked to him.
It wasn't entirely their fault, either. He could admit that to himself. He knew that they would be there, any one of them, if he wanted to tell them what was going on. He knew that he could tell Tai that he was gay, but he hadn't.
He could have tould Matt that he was suicidal, because he knew the blonde had attempted to take his own life.
Ken would have been there when he needed a place to get away from his parents.
Yolei would have helped him get the money at Christmas time, when he accidently borrowed money from the wrong type of people to buy gifts.
Any of the digidestined would have listened to his problems, and helped him to the best of their abilities. If only -he- had made the first step to ask. He hadn't simply for pride. He didn't want them to realize that the boy who didn't have any worries five years ago, who was convinced that his life was fine the way it was, had slipped into depression.
That was the worst blow. He had faced down a threat to two worlds, and he couldn't face his own insecurities. How embarrassing. So, he took his dignity and pride, and turned his mask to the world, letting it see the boy who knew the world was perfect.
Inside, he broke down a little more each day. His journal was full of foul things, things from a tarnished heart and mind. Thoughts and feelings that he doubted anyone but Ken could understand, and, even then, he couldn't be certain on that score.
The bus slowed to a stop, pulling up to the sidewalk and letting the passengers exit. With a sigh, Daisuke stood up. As he passed the old woman, he paused. He caught the fear in her eyes, and winced inwardly. With a bow, he mumbled in his most apologetic voice. "Gomen. I didn't mean to be so cruel. Thank you for your concern. I'm sorry that I snapped at you."
Without waiting for her reply, he turned away, stepping into the shallow light of the lamppost. The sun was gone, having disappeared over the horizon a while ago. Only two people got off with him, and they went opposite directions in a rushed manner. He watched them go, listening to the bus pull away again. It had been a long day, but he wasn't tired anymore. He tried to think of a place to go, but failed to come up with anything. Home was out. He wasn't certain his father would hold to the agreement of not hitting him.
He sighed, and trudged forward, his shoulders drooping. He didn't get very far when a boisterous voice called from behind. "Daisuke!" He turned to see a purple-haired girl jogging toward him, her mouth curved into a grin.
"Hey, Miyako." He greeted her politely, barely managing a grin.
She looked at him in concern. "Are you okay, Dai-kun?" The emotion he saw in her gaze was genuine worry. Not pity, not fear for himself or her. Just caring. With a sob, he threw his arms around her. They were both surprised by the sudden move, but he couldn't stop the tears that rolled down. "Dai?"
With a quick look around, she returned the embrace, and pulled him back towards an allyway, not wanting the world to witness his breakdown. He followed her movements, not wanting to lose the comfort of his arms. There was no question as to her motives, no doubt in her minds about either of their safety. Just love, and solace.
"Daisuke, what happened?" She hadn't been at school the day before, due to a dentist appointment. She was at a total loss to all that had been revealed.
He spoke into her shoulder, not wanting to lose any contact. "I'm so fucked up, Miyako. I don't know how it happened, but I am."
"Shh." His crying didn't slow down, or quiet. "Tell me about it, Dai. I'm here. Tell me what's wrong."
"Everything!" He pulled away roughly, wiping at his tears with angry swipes. "The world's wrong, Miya! It's twisted on it's axis, and it's all screwed up!"
"Motomiya Daisuke, calm down! I can't help you, if you don't talk to me. I'm your friend, Dai. I'm here. Talk to me." She didn't try to touch him, didn't try to calm him down with soothing words. She spoke sincere truth, offering her ear without judgement.
"My parents hate me, let's start there!" He started pacing, his hands running constantly through his already wild hair. "My father's a bastard who wishes I didn't exist, but hasn't been able to get rid of me, due to our 'familial pride'. What bullshit! My mother cowers down, and Jun...Jun loves me, but can't bring herself to tell him that. I know it, and she knows it. If either of our parents knew, she'd get the same treatment that I do, and I don't want that, 'cuz then she'd hate me, too."
"You're parents are jerks, and they don't deserve you." She encouraged him. Trust Miyako to be on his side, 100% of the way.
"Then, there's this little problem that I have, that the world in general dislikes." He paused, not long enough for her to ask, but with time to look at her. "I'm gay. I like guys. I happen to be in love with one."
The look in his eyes dared her to say something negative. With a smile, she shrugged. "That's okay. You're not the only digi-destined to 'come out'."
"I know that. Tai and Matt took me to lunch today." The memory of that afternoon made him scowl darkly, brows drawn together. "Do you pity me?"
"What?"
"Do you pity me? Feel sorry for me? Would you be my friend, if you didn't really care for me, but you owed me, and felt loyal, and were afraid that I'd hurt myself, or someone else?"
"No!" She growled in frustration, her eyes dark. "I'm friends with you, Dai, because you are smart, loyal, funny, open, honest, shameless, wonderful, cute, warm, and caring. You are a wonderful person, with so much energy! Being around you is like...being at an amusement park, never knowing what new thrill is around the corner. And, even when you turn the corner, and find a boring vendor, it's okay, because there are more corners up ahead."
He looked at her, searching her eyes. A small smile slowly lit his face. "Thanks, Miyako. Thank you very much for that." The tears shimmered in his eyes. He drew in a shuddering breath, trying to keep from breaking down again.
"Come on, let's go to my house. My parents won't mind." She took his hand, and tugged him out of the allyway, and towards her building. In his mind, he compared it to the way that Ken had lead him around earlier, before shoving the thought away.
_______________________
End note: Never assume anything. Just because it looks one way, doesn't mean it will actually be that way. I'm seriously wavering about the end. This should conclude in about three or four more chapters, but no promises.
General information: I didn't go with all the Ep. 50 couples. Just a little note for upcoming chapters.
Disclaimer: Same as before.
Warning: Read chapter one through nine.
_______________
Author: Rae
Title: Undecided
Content: Yaoi.
Daisuke ran for all he was worth once he reached the street. He heard Ken call his name from above, but ignored him, intent on getting away. He didn't want to face the pitying eyes of his friend and his family. It was too much.
He saw the bus, and quickened his pace. His heart was already beating heavily from his descent down the fire escape. Soccer hadn't prepared him for eight flight of steep stairs. Next time he ran away, he'd use the front door. The elevator was quicker, and easier.
Once on the bus, he found a seat in back. This time, though it was a little fuller, he managed to find a window seat, facing the buildings. He saw Ken run up, his hair trailing away from his face. His expression was urgent, his eyes distressed. For a second, their gazes connected, and then Dai looked away, the bus already pulling away from the curb.
He ignored the people around him, not really paying attention to anything. He just wanted to find a place where the world and his friends wouldn't find him. He'd already caused them enough problems, they didn't need to worry about him anymore. The bus trip back to Odaiba was as boring as the one to Tamachi. However, he couldn't sleep on the way back. He wished he could, his head leaning against the cool glass of the window.
"What's the matter, sonny?" He looked beside him, into the face of a kindly old woman.
With barely tempered annoyance, he fairly snarled at her. "I'm wishing to be dead, but I can't seem to convince fate to let the bus crash." Her startled gasp, and scurry as she moved away made him smile slightly. He knew it was mean of him, but he didn't want to deal with the probing of his friends, let alone strangers.
The sun was setting, and he tilted his head to watch it through the dirty glass. It had been a good day, really. He'd faced his father, had fun with his friends. Managed to put one in a guilt trip, and had another fight for him.
He smiled, his thoughts drifting to Takeru and Hikari. He was waiting for them to tell him they were going out. They were perfect for each other. Two angels, so innocent and sweet. They weren't overly friendly when around the others, but there was an unmistakeable closeness, an indescribable bond between the two. A bond that was likely shared between their brothers, as well. Unlike with the two older siblings, he was unable to actually catch them acting as anything more than friends.
They were the perfect family, the Takaishi-Ishida-Yagami clan. His grin turned wistful as he remembered the crush that he had had on Kari. He had thought her wonderful. So kind, so sweet. The Japanese picture of feminine beauty and grace. Everything that a young boy could want.
And, man, had he wanted her. She had seemed the answer to all his prayers. If he could bring home Ms. Perfection herself, his parents would love him, and the world would be a beautiful place. Then, he had met Takeru, and all his thoughts of normalcy had flown out the window. That had been the first day he accepted that he'd never gain his parent's approval. It had made him mad, having to accept a fate that seemed so cruel.
So, he had bantered with the blonde, and turned him into a rival for the affection of a girl he pretended to lust after. He had seen their closeness, their bond, and it had only made him tremble with fury, at the thought that they were both a goal he couldn't hope to attain.
Then, he had met Ken. The great 'Rocket', with his silky blue tresses, and unreadable indigo eyes. That soccer game, where he had played his hardest in a losing game, had been the biggest event of his life, to that point. He hadn't even minded the loss, another event in itself.
Discovering that that beauty hid the cruelty of the Kaiser had pissed him off to no end, either. It just added to the misery that was his life, another obstacle between him and that ever-elusive contentment that he saw others achieve.
He had cried himself to the point of vomiting, something that only occurs when you force yourself to be miserable. Sure, he could have accepted everything that was thrown his way, but he hadn't wanted to, not then, not ever. With a silent vow, he had promised to work until he had everything that made him happy.
That vow lasted all of a few weeks, until the day they defeated Kimeramon, and he saw the heart behind his nemisis' facade. All thoughts of fighting slipped away, and he realized that the refusal to concede to unhappiness could lead to worse things.
Shaking himself out of his own pity party, he had gone after Ken as soon as was reasonable, which was, to him, a couple more days. He started to pester the boy, trying to convince him that there was a second chance for everyone. He eventually convinced them all, and they became a team, defeating Malomyotismon.
His world crashed around his ears another time, when he realized that his friends didn't need him anymore. He had been so focused on winning, that he had lost the pain, and the loneliness. He had friends, and was even getting along with Jun.
After defeating the virus digimon, everyone separated, trying to find the parts of themselves that they had lost in the battle. Eventually, though, they rebanded, and still hung with each other, including Daisuke. They weren't as close as they had been, but that was normal for all friends in time. They had different lives, dissimilar hobbies that didn't allow for a lot of together time.
Daisuke accepted that. He had soccer, and Chibi, and Ken. They were still really close. Until a year ago, when they started high school. Nobody had time outside of school to spare. Always running this way, running that way. Within the chaos, they let days, then weeks, slide by without communication.
Not that they didn't pick up the telephone every once in a while to say 'hi'. That's why Yamato had been at his house two nights before. They took turns, alternating between friends, so that noone slipped beneath the cracks. He was sure that someplace, there was a calendar of who visited whom, when. Not that he'd seen it, but that someone different popped in, or called, every week. This week, Matt. Last week: Yolei. Next week, probably Kari.
It was nice, in a way. He didn't have to worry that anyone forgot him. They all sent cards or gifts on his birthday, at Christmas. They all got together once a month, and had fun.
He wasn't being ignored, or pushed away.
However, those visits, those brief points of contact? They were all impersonal. They never asked if his life was okay. They never went beyond the surface, trivial things. They weren't deep, 'how is your life' conversations. Just the basics, just the surface.
His surface was fine, dammit! It was everything else that wasn't holding together so well. It was the little things that tore at him, day after day. And it was those 'little things' that they didn't ask about, that they didn't touch on when they talked to him.
It wasn't entirely their fault, either. He could admit that to himself. He knew that they would be there, any one of them, if he wanted to tell them what was going on. He knew that he could tell Tai that he was gay, but he hadn't.
He could have tould Matt that he was suicidal, because he knew the blonde had attempted to take his own life.
Ken would have been there when he needed a place to get away from his parents.
Yolei would have helped him get the money at Christmas time, when he accidently borrowed money from the wrong type of people to buy gifts.
Any of the digidestined would have listened to his problems, and helped him to the best of their abilities. If only -he- had made the first step to ask. He hadn't simply for pride. He didn't want them to realize that the boy who didn't have any worries five years ago, who was convinced that his life was fine the way it was, had slipped into depression.
That was the worst blow. He had faced down a threat to two worlds, and he couldn't face his own insecurities. How embarrassing. So, he took his dignity and pride, and turned his mask to the world, letting it see the boy who knew the world was perfect.
Inside, he broke down a little more each day. His journal was full of foul things, things from a tarnished heart and mind. Thoughts and feelings that he doubted anyone but Ken could understand, and, even then, he couldn't be certain on that score.
The bus slowed to a stop, pulling up to the sidewalk and letting the passengers exit. With a sigh, Daisuke stood up. As he passed the old woman, he paused. He caught the fear in her eyes, and winced inwardly. With a bow, he mumbled in his most apologetic voice. "Gomen. I didn't mean to be so cruel. Thank you for your concern. I'm sorry that I snapped at you."
Without waiting for her reply, he turned away, stepping into the shallow light of the lamppost. The sun was gone, having disappeared over the horizon a while ago. Only two people got off with him, and they went opposite directions in a rushed manner. He watched them go, listening to the bus pull away again. It had been a long day, but he wasn't tired anymore. He tried to think of a place to go, but failed to come up with anything. Home was out. He wasn't certain his father would hold to the agreement of not hitting him.
He sighed, and trudged forward, his shoulders drooping. He didn't get very far when a boisterous voice called from behind. "Daisuke!" He turned to see a purple-haired girl jogging toward him, her mouth curved into a grin.
"Hey, Miyako." He greeted her politely, barely managing a grin.
She looked at him in concern. "Are you okay, Dai-kun?" The emotion he saw in her gaze was genuine worry. Not pity, not fear for himself or her. Just caring. With a sob, he threw his arms around her. They were both surprised by the sudden move, but he couldn't stop the tears that rolled down. "Dai?"
With a quick look around, she returned the embrace, and pulled him back towards an allyway, not wanting the world to witness his breakdown. He followed her movements, not wanting to lose the comfort of his arms. There was no question as to her motives, no doubt in her minds about either of their safety. Just love, and solace.
"Daisuke, what happened?" She hadn't been at school the day before, due to a dentist appointment. She was at a total loss to all that had been revealed.
He spoke into her shoulder, not wanting to lose any contact. "I'm so fucked up, Miyako. I don't know how it happened, but I am."
"Shh." His crying didn't slow down, or quiet. "Tell me about it, Dai. I'm here. Tell me what's wrong."
"Everything!" He pulled away roughly, wiping at his tears with angry swipes. "The world's wrong, Miya! It's twisted on it's axis, and it's all screwed up!"
"Motomiya Daisuke, calm down! I can't help you, if you don't talk to me. I'm your friend, Dai. I'm here. Talk to me." She didn't try to touch him, didn't try to calm him down with soothing words. She spoke sincere truth, offering her ear without judgement.
"My parents hate me, let's start there!" He started pacing, his hands running constantly through his already wild hair. "My father's a bastard who wishes I didn't exist, but hasn't been able to get rid of me, due to our 'familial pride'. What bullshit! My mother cowers down, and Jun...Jun loves me, but can't bring herself to tell him that. I know it, and she knows it. If either of our parents knew, she'd get the same treatment that I do, and I don't want that, 'cuz then she'd hate me, too."
"You're parents are jerks, and they don't deserve you." She encouraged him. Trust Miyako to be on his side, 100% of the way.
"Then, there's this little problem that I have, that the world in general dislikes." He paused, not long enough for her to ask, but with time to look at her. "I'm gay. I like guys. I happen to be in love with one."
The look in his eyes dared her to say something negative. With a smile, she shrugged. "That's okay. You're not the only digi-destined to 'come out'."
"I know that. Tai and Matt took me to lunch today." The memory of that afternoon made him scowl darkly, brows drawn together. "Do you pity me?"
"What?"
"Do you pity me? Feel sorry for me? Would you be my friend, if you didn't really care for me, but you owed me, and felt loyal, and were afraid that I'd hurt myself, or someone else?"
"No!" She growled in frustration, her eyes dark. "I'm friends with you, Dai, because you are smart, loyal, funny, open, honest, shameless, wonderful, cute, warm, and caring. You are a wonderful person, with so much energy! Being around you is like...being at an amusement park, never knowing what new thrill is around the corner. And, even when you turn the corner, and find a boring vendor, it's okay, because there are more corners up ahead."
He looked at her, searching her eyes. A small smile slowly lit his face. "Thanks, Miyako. Thank you very much for that." The tears shimmered in his eyes. He drew in a shuddering breath, trying to keep from breaking down again.
"Come on, let's go to my house. My parents won't mind." She took his hand, and tugged him out of the allyway, and towards her building. In his mind, he compared it to the way that Ken had lead him around earlier, before shoving the thought away.
_______________________
End note: Never assume anything. Just because it looks one way, doesn't mean it will actually be that way. I'm seriously wavering about the end. This should conclude in about three or four more chapters, but no promises.