Dragon Ball: Makafushigi Adventure
By Reid M. Haynes
Disclaimer: Dragon Ball and all characters within are the property of Akira Toriyama, TOEI ANIMATION, and various other companies. I am using them without permission, and I am making no money off of them.
Tale 4: Kakarrot the Carrot, Part 2
*****
Later, at a small hotel near the center of town, the remaining three Dragon Ball hunters sat crouched in the room, thinking on how to best Boss Rabbit.
"So it's all gonna happen tomorrow, right?" Oolong said, munching on a small carrot. "Are you sure about this Bulma?"
"Quiet, I'm trying to think," Bulma sat cross-legged on the floor, her hand stroking her chin absently. Then, as an afterthought, she added: "And please, stop chewing on that carrot. It's giving me the creeps."
"Geez, what a grouch!" Oolong humped, pouting mock-dejectedly. After a moment, though, a devious smile slowly crossed his lips. Taking the carrot between his two fingers, he swiftly thrust it into Bulma's face, wiggling it back and forth. "'Hello, my name is Son Goku!'" he squeaked, mimicking Goku's backwoods accent. "'What's for dinner? Oh no, it's me! AAAHHH!'" With a flourish, he popped 'Son Goku' in his mouth and split it in two with a satisfying crunch.
"OOLONG!!!" Bulma hollered out, reaching for him with clawed hands. "That's NOT HELPING!!!"
"AHAHAHAHAH!" Oolong dodged her assault and zipped over to the opposite end of the apartment.
Bulma stood up slowly, her fingers curling up in rage. "When I get my hands on you Oolong, I swear I'll…"
"Will you two cut it out, please?" Puar said finally, glaring at them in disgust. "We gotta figure out how to get Yamcha and the others back!" That said, he turned back to his book, '1001 Poker Tricks for Victory!'.
"Hey, don't go acting like the big leader now!" Oolong rebuked him, whipping out an extended finger "Besides, there's nothing to think about anyway. Bulma's gonna beat the bunny at cards, and then everything will be fine and dandy!"
"Um, well," Bulma suddenly lowered her head, her hands fumbling nervously. "There's kinda one problem…"
"What's is it, Bulma?" Puar placed his book on the chair, then hovered toward her. "C'mon, tell us!"
"I don't know how to play cards."
"W-w-W-WHAT!!!" Puar and Oolong lurched back, traumatized. Forgetting about the chair they pulled up, they lost their footing on it's legs and crashed to the floor.
"H-how can you not know how to play cards?!" Oolong got out when he recovered.
"I just never learned how," Bulma shrugged nonchalantly.
"So let me get this straight," Oolong put his palm to his temple in a vain attempt to calm his nerve. "You just entered a match with a master card player, with the lives of two of our friends and your son on the line, and you DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY CARDS?!"
"Oh, stop being so melodramatic about it!" The young woman admonished, leaning forward. "So I don't know how to play. Big deal. How hard can it possibly be?"
"How hard can it be?" Oolong jerked up. "HOW HARD CAN IT BE?! How DARE you insult the wide world of poker with such insolence! 'How hard can it be?' you say? I'LL tell you how hard it can be. I spend FIFTEEN YEARS learning the art, spending whatever free time I had when I wasn't picking on Puar learning, TRAINING, day and night! I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I just sat there, taking in all that I could from the few books that I had to work with, the few books that were available at the town library. Did you KNOW, that I once spent FOUR NIGHTS without sleep, just so I could cram the last bits of knowledge about the full house into my brain?! DID YOU?! No, you were probably too busy chatting away with your girly-friends to even BEGIN to contemplate my intense suffering! But no, that's not all! I also had to hire trainers, the best in the business, to teach me anything I could get from the books, for which I had to work three jobs SIMULTANIOUSLY to pay for! But NO, I didn't complain. No, to be the best you have to make those sacrifices, something I'm sure you've never heard of. And that was my goal, to be the best! And then you, YOU who wouldn't know an ace from a cantaloupe, come popping off with your crap, thinking just because you're a whiz at computers means you can master the art of poker in one night! 'No sweat!" you say. 'I got it under control!' Well I'm SORRY, little miss prissy pants, little miss 'I'm Bulma, the super genius!', but it DOSEN'T WORK THAT WAY!"
Oolong then fainted from lack of oxygen, sprawling onto the carpet.
Bulma and Puar stared at him.
"Wow," Puar breathed in silent awe. "That almost took half a page."
"Don't get too impressed, Puar," Bulma folded her arms, her eyes rolling back. "It's just a cheep trick by the author to try to lengthen this fanfic above 500KB."
The author sweatdropped nervously.
"Anyway, what do we do?" Puar jumped up to the table. "The match is tomorrow, and we can't cancel it!"
"The only thing we can do, Puar," Oolong said solemnly, once conscious was regained. "We just have to start at the beginning."
"Which is…" Bulma raised an eyebrow.
"CHEATING!"
*****
The town sweltered under the high noon sun as Bulma, Oolong, and Puar headed to the battlegrounds. The wind tousled her hair as she glared though the morbid heat at the warehouse's shadowed front. Dirt clouds were raised, and grass blades shivered in the dry wind. A tumbleweed rolled through the empty streets.
In tune with the atmosphere, Oolong whistled a vaguely Western sounding tune.
"Cut that out," Ignoring the pig's antics, Bulma calmly walked to the warehouse.
At the front, Boss Rabbit's two goons guarded the double-doors. Upon the group's arrival, twisted sneers lurked onto their craggy faces.
"Hey there, chicky boo," The short one leered at her, eyeing her more 'interesting' features. "It's too bad this ain't strip poker. 'Cause we'd be sure to play then." The tall one blew her a sloppy kiss, both of them laughing lewdly.
"Out of my way!" Bulma snarled, shoving the two out of her way. Puar followed, taking a moment to give each of then a cold glare. Oolong sort of creeped along the ground, trying not to be seen.
Inside the double doors, the warehouse was dark, squalid, and cold. The light from outside sent shadows across the otherwise unlit room, creating illusionary monsters against the boxes. Dust mites wafted through the air, bringing tears to the groups eyes.
Then, the doors suddenly pulled shut, shutting off the only light source. The hum of civilization was muted as well, replaced by the echo of absence. Which left the group bathed in darkness, silence, and fear.
"W-what's going on?" Puar's broken voice refracted back to them from the darkness. "What happening?"
"T-they're probably just trying to scare us," Bulma whispered back, feigning confidence. Unsuccessfully.
"But I am scared!" Tears came to his eyes, and he gripped onto her arm. "I want to go home!"
"Stop that!" Bulma knelt down, gripping the kitten's shoulder. "Think of Goku and Trunks. Think of Yamcha!"
This brought Puar around a bit. "Right!" Puar said, his confidence returning. His fist tightened with the memories of his friends' humiliation. "Okay, let's go."
The group continued into the darkness, keeping a grasp on each other hands, all the while glancing about for any evidence of light.
An unsanitary odor worked its way into Oolong nostril, agitating it. With a small grunt, he sneezed out the offending dust.
"Gzuntight!" And then a sinister voice called from the darkness, startling them to a stop.
"W-who's there?" Oolong's teeth chattered successively, his fear hidden to none.
"It's him," Bulma muttered, a bead of sweat sliding down her temple.
"Show yourself, rabbit man!" Puar called out, the anger rising within him.
The figure complied, tugging on a cord. The light flickered on, revealing Boss Rabbit in all his glory, flipping a small coin. He was decked out a bit differently: a top hat was added to his usual getup, and his Chinese robes bore the kanji, "Gambler."
"Well well wellywelly well well!" Snatching the coin out of the air, the bunny strolled on over to the group. "Look who's finally showin' up," The coin was airborne again, keeping up with Boss Rabbit's stride.
"Yeah, yeah," Bulma's foot tapped against the ground. "I'm here, aren't I?"
"Indeed," The coin fell into his grasp briefly before it was sent up again. "You seem confident that you'll win 'dis little shindig."
"That's because we're gonna win!" Puar snapped, hopping up and down with fury. "You're toast! You're super toast!"
Boss Rabbit ignored most of the cat's comments, catching the coin and walking to the end of the room. With his non-coin hand, he gestured to the room behind him: a small refreshment hall for tired workers. "Our room is right over there," he told her evenly. "We'll get started right away."
Finally pocketing the coin, Boss Rabbit crossed his hands behind his back. "So," he said, in a soft but malicious tone. "Are you ready to face your better?"
"Oh please," Bulma growled, turning her head in annoyance. "Let's just go already."
While she turned her head, she winked at Puar and Oolong, who winked back. Then she followed Boss Rabbit into the room.
*****
The overhead lamp cast a moody atmosphere in the refreshment hall, casting a shadow on the sparse furniture within. The plastered walls swallowed up much of the light, lost within its deep, moldy cracks. The card table itself was nothing more than a standard carpenter bench, with a flashy cloth placed over it in blatant tastelessness. But, together with the light, the shadow, and the card stack in the center, the room was given the appearance of a shady saloon. The perfect place for a gambling showdown.
Bulma kept her eyes on the rabbit across the table, judging his manner and confidence. Calmly, he was taking the cardstack from the center, strumming through them ritualistically. With a quick movement of his fingers, he skillfully juggled the cards between his palms, flashing streaks of red and black in a random, but orderly fashion. Once he had deemed it enough, he placed them back on the tabletop, cut the cards, and proceeded to deal.
"Rules be simple," he said, placing his hand in front on him. "One draw, highest hand wins. We's be playin' three out of five." Once finished, he then dealt Bulma's hand, flicking the cards perfectly into place. Finally, he grabbed his hand and sorted it. "Let's begin."
Rolling her eyes at the comment, she glanced at her hand. Let's see…there's this little short guy with a knife, with another short guy growing out of his butt. Then, there's these clovers, and some wacko with a staff. And the thing with the big 'A'…well, that must be the ace. And I suppose the other's the queen. She's all right, but not nearly as beautiful as me, though.
That was when everything got a little strange. Bulma took a second look at the two of clubs…to discover it was no longer a two of clubs. The image of the suit had become blotted and smeared, like cheep watercolor paint. What had happened? Had water somehow got on the card, washing away the picture? No, that was stupid. Yet the image was continuing to swirl inside the confines of the card. The dark blots mixed and clotted up, morphing into a shapeless blob. Then, it stretched outwards, arranging its into a single humanoid shape. The black coloring faded out a bit, changing into the other colors: red, white, blue, ect.. And when it was done, the former two of clubs had morphed into the grizzled visage of an old man.
The king of hearts.
Huh?
Panicked, she rubbed her hand over the surface of the card, checking for hologram surfaces, liquid crystal screening, in-built microchips, anything that made some sort of sense. But no, to all touch and feel it was a normal card.
No! Normal cards do not change into other things! They stay the same, like a piece of paper should! They…
"Hey sweet-cheeks, you gonna play with it all day, or you gonna make a change?" Boss Rabbit had already finished, and was impatiently tapping his finger on the table.
"R-right," Ignoring the 'sweet-cheeks' remark, she continued to panic at her hand. She carefully analyzed the rest of he cards, and discovered that another change had been made. The three of hearts was gone now, replaced with the good humored grin of a Joker. Only this transformed did one more thing after it's metamorphosis.
It winked.
Oh. Suddenly Bulma's earlier confusion was gone, replaced by delight. So that's how they're gonna do it.
She pulled the cards together. "Okay, I'm done," she said cheerfully.
Boss Rabbit's eyebrows widened. "No way!" he said, dissatisfied. "Youse can't be done already!"
"Yup," She nodded her head.
The rabbit made as if to say something else, then shrugged. "Your call," he said, then started chuckling evilly. "Though I'm sure you'll be regretin' it…"
With a flourish, he swept his hand onto the table. "Full House!" he cheered raucously. "Boss Rabbit is supreme!" He folded his arms, chuckling in victory.
Bulma calmly nodded, and revealed her royal flush.
"H-h-huhuhuhuHUHUHUHHUH!?!?!" Boss Rabbit's eyes broke through the glass of the shades, bulging three feet from his face. "That's I-I-IMPOSSIBLE!"
"I guess I'm better than I thought!" Bulma smiled, pleased. "Must be due to my genius."
"Fine then," Slowly regaining his cool, Boss Rabbit collected his hand and Bulma's. "Beginners luck I'll discount. It will change soon!" He didn't notice that the King and Joker had disappeared from Bulma's hand, mixing with the deck again.
From then on, the rest of the match retained a distinct pattern. Boss Rabbit would reveal an exceptional hand, built on innate skill and years of experience. Then the novice Bulma would whip out some ridiculous combination that totally blew away whatever hand he managed to pull out. The stale air of the refreshment hall was filled with the shouts of "Three Kings!" and "No way!" and, of course, "HUH?"
"So I guess that wraps things up!" Bulma said, after all was said and done. "Who would've thought I'd make such a good card shark!"
Boss Rabbit laid his head on the table, emotionally drained. Three straight victories. He hadn't won a single hand.
"No…NO!" he screeched, almost in tears. "It's not fair! How could a mere rookie best Boss Rabbit? It's just not fair!" He slammed his fist against the wood.
"Don't be such a sore loser." Bulma reproached the bunny, who was wailing into the tablecloth. "Hey, how about this. We'll play one more game. I'll take the first card from the top, and try to guess what suit it is. If I guess wrong, I'll discount all of my victories."
"Really?" he sniffed, wiping his eyes. "Youse givin' me anotha' chance?"
"And I find win…" Bulma continued slowly. "…you hand me that object on the crate over there."
Boss Rabbit walked over to the crate in the corner, where a small orange ball rested on top of it. Half-a-dozen red stars were arrayed it on, and a translucent light radiated from it.
Chiishinchu, 'Six Star Ball.'
"This piece o' junk?" Boss Rabbit said, picking it up.
"M'hm," Bulma nodded.
"…okay," he nodded slowly, a slow smile reappearing on his face. Then, with a cocky snicker, he flicked his shades back on. "Arright! You gots one chance ta pluck the right card. Dat's it!"
"Whatever," Bulma yawned, putting her arms behind her head. "I say it's the three of spades."
"Then…" More dramatic buildup ensued at the rabbit's whim. "…DRAW!"
"Okay," she said as she picked the card. Three of spades.
"W-w-w-w-W-W-W-WWWWWHAAAAAT!?!?!" Boss Rabbit's jaw hit the cement floor, breaking one meter into the foundation. His grip on Chiishinchu faltered, and Bulma plucked it out of the air.
"How…" Boss Rabbit's goggled at the insanity of it all. "HOW???"
"I just did." A smirk appeared on Bulma's face. "Now…my friends, please."
Boss Rabbit was shaking with fury and disbelief. Slowly, deliberately, he unclenched his shaking fist and forced it into his pocket. Then he stopped.
"Two out of three?" he tried weakly.
"Uh uh," Bulma said impatiently.
"Damn," Boss Rabbit cursed, rummaging through the pocket. He pulled out the three carrots, and placed them on the ground. He then proceeded with a little jig, ending with two claps. And, in a puff of smoke, Goku, Yamcha, and Trunks appeared from the enchanted roots.
"W…what happened?" Yamcha murmured. "Where's the Rabbit Gang?"
"Huh?" Trunks scratched his head in confusion. "What's Mom doing with that bunny? Does that mean she beat him, or what?"
"'Guess it's over, then," Goku yawned, stretching his muscles. "I was getting' hungry anyway." A rough stomach growl emphasized his point.
"I got the Chiishinchu, too!" Bulma said happily, presenting the ball to her friends. .
"Really?" Goku face instantly broke into silly grin mode. "Then that means…"
"We got the Dragon Ball! We got the Dragon Ball!" Bulma and Goku danced on the tabletop, knocking the deck of cards into a mess on the floor.
"Just one question," A meek voice interrupted the twos celebration. They looked at Boss Rabbit, whose head was tilted downwards.
"Yes?" Bulma's eyebrows widened expectantly. "Well, what is it?"
The rabbit's lips were quivering, and his mouth was sealed shut. Then, it opened wide. "HOW!?!?!"
Bulma slowly turned her head, looking over her shoulder at him. She snapped her fingers. "Show 'em, guys!" she cried.
"Right!" Two cards, the three of clubs and the queen of diamonds, uplifted themselves from the table and shot into the air. Another burst of smoke filled the room.
And when it was over, Oolong and Puar had morphed back into their original forms.
"Hiya!" Oolong sneered, landing on the ground with a rough poomf
"Tricked you good, didn't we?" Puar giggled cheerfully, floating effortlessly in the air.
No reaction was visible from Boss Rabbit at the moment. After a while, however, the shoulders started quaking, the hands slowly curled up into fists. Then, his lips stretched wide, and his incisors grounded against the bottom row in pure rage.
"You CHEATERS!!!" he burst out, raising his fists into the air. "You lousy, no good, stinkin' CHEATERS! YOU…"
"Oh shut up, you stupid bunny!" Bulma spat in disgust, stooping him in mid rant. "Besides, its not like you weren't cheating too," With a small tug, she pulled on the rabbit's sleeve, spilling out dozens of aces, jacks, kings and queens.
Naturally, this did nothing to pacify him. He hopped back a bit, and got into a battle stance. "I'll carrotize you all!" he threatened furiously.
"I wouldn't do that, if I were you…" Bulma said, pointing behind her. Boss Rabbit turned around…
To face the stagnant forms of Goku, Yamcha, and Trunks. Goku was sizing him up calmly, while Yamcha's eyes started to narrow. Trunks simply kept up the glare. None of them looked too pleased with being changed into vegetables.
They stared him down for a moment more.
Then they cracked their knuckles.
"Should I…?" Goku started to say.
"Go ahead," Trunks gave him the okay.
Goku started towards Boss Rabbit, "Wait!" and Puar rushed up to him. "Use me!" he cried, transforming into a large sledgehammer.
"Thanks!" Goku said, taking the hammer and smashing it down on Boss Rabbit's skull.
The gangster was out like a light.
*****
Back on the outskirts of the town, the group was preparing its departure.
"YAMCHAAA!!!" Puar sobbed, clutching onto his master's shirt. "I'm so glad you're alright!"
"Yeah…" Yamcha said, a bit bewildered by the cat's devotion. Gee, I've only been out of it for 24 hours. But Yamcha held him close nonetheless, not wanting to upset his friend further.
"I was so scared!" Puar continued to wail, burying his face in Yamcha's chest. "You were turned into a carrot, you weren't there, and I was afraid you were gonna get turned into a V8 health-drink!"
"Yeah…." Yamcha started to sweat a bit, the cat's squeezing cutting off his circulation.
"Yamcha Yamcha YAMCHAAA!!! I'm so happy you're safe!"
"Kami, this is pathetic!" Oolong gagged. Tired of this sickening display of affection, he wandered over to the others, hoping for slightly different situations.
"So I got changed into a carrot, huh?" Goku said nonchalantly, tossing the wrapper of his 64-foot sub in the trash. "Man, that must've been rough on Bulma!"
"Probably," Trunks agreed. "Speaking of which, I'd better get her."
"Nah, I'll get her." Goku said, starting for the clothes store, where she had said she would be shopping.
*****
Somewhere outside the shopping area, Bulma stood looking at the long road that lead out of the town and beyond. Her shopping bag lay beside her, filled with all the essentials: clothes, makeup, eyeliner, and a wax skin-rejuvenator. With a heavy sigh, she let out all of her stress that had built up during the resent fiasco.
Throughout the past 24-hours, Bulma had been shot at, hit on, and had watched her friends get turned into carrots. Before that, her plane had been wrecked, her clothes had been ruined, and she had been carted off a large dinosaur with a taste for genius inventors. It was enough to drive anyone to the brink of insanity.
Man, I love this.
Bulma sighed wistfully. It was true that she was a bit of a softy; she liked to have all her creature comforts within easy reach. It was also true that she was controlling, and couldn't stand for one thing going wrong, which of course it did. And, oh yeah, she could whine and bitch like nobody's business.
But, despite all the whining and all the complaining she did, she realized that, through it all, this was something she really wanted. Though it was inconvenient at times, roughing it in the wilderness was something she had finally gotten accustomed to, and was indeed part of the fun. Although Goku and company were infuriating at times, they made up for it with the carefree and happy presence they provided. And although she never knew what dangers lurked behind the bend, she that she could handle anything, with a little help from her friends…
"Hey, Bulma!" Once again, Goku's shrill voice had broken her concentration. She turned to face him, ready to get on his case, discovering in-between that his entire face and most of his shirt was covered in submarine sandwich filler.
"Goku, that's disgusting!" She scolded. "Clean yourself up right now! You're making me sick!"
Goku picked off a salami slice from his forehead. "Uh…you want a piece or somethin'?" he asked politely.
"GOKU!!!" She screamed, pulling out a large mallet from her back pocket.
"Just askin'!!" he protested, stopping her in mid swing.
The mallet disappeared to whatever sub-space it came from, and "What did you want, anyway?" she asked, annoyed now.
"I came to tell you we're gonna be going, soon." Goku explained, then observed the heavy shopping "D'ya really need all those clothes?" he questioned.
"Says you, Mr. 'one outfit all the time!'" Bulma shot back, pointing out Goku's lack of variety in apparel. "Besides, now at least I have back up for emergencies. You're going to have those salami stains the rest of trip. And you know that they don't let you in some of the restaurants without clean clothes. " She ended up with a small "ha ha" of victory.
"Hey, slowpokes!" The two turned around. Oolong has appeared from the arc of the hill, looking very Po'ed. "You two are taking so long I'm about to mess up my pants!"
"Really…" A look of pure evil grew in Bulma's eyes. She cupped her hands to her mouth. "Swee, swee, swee…!" she whistled softly. "Swee, swee, swee. Sweeeee…"
The rumbling in Oolong's stomach was increasing with every 'swee.' The warning klaxons in his mind grew as they tried to warn his of the upcoming danger. A sickening groan was heard as his bowels gave way. And Oolong's eyes widened in realization.
"Ah!" Oolong hollered, grabbing his buttocks in a mad panic. "Ah SHIT!!!" He hopped around desperately, trying to keep from soiling his undies.
"Looks like Oolong will need a change of clothes too." Goku said.to her.
"That's right," Bulma agreed.
Then both Bulma and Goku started laughing as Oolong rushed to the nearest bush to do his thing, screaming and complaining all the time.
*****
The engine murmured quietly, conversing with the hydraulics and the fuel tank. Pistons beat in the synchronized order of an African tribal band, charging up it's audience of wheels and tires. And the exhaust pipes puffed forth bursts of enthusiasm, impatient to get going.
As was the Dragon Ball Gang.
"Next ball's three hundred kilometers North West," Bulma cried to the others. "Okay, let's GO!!!"
And they were off once again.
Authors Notes: Hot damn, that was a long one! I would just like to say here that Boss Rabbit is the most powerful character in Dragon Ball. Don't follow my logic? Let me explain:
Goku can spend 27 episodes charging up his Genki-dama, drawing energy from the earth, sun, and stars. And it will do nothing.
Boss Rabbit can defeat his foes by touching them.
'Nuff said.
Additional Disclaimer: 'Sweet Tarts' belong to the Wonka Corporation. V8 probably belongs to the V8 Corporation or, if it doesn't, it belongs to whatever corporation makes V8. -_-;
Until next time, Ja ne! ^_^