Author's Notes: After watching the first half of the 5th season, I was left with a whole new lot of Riley hatred. I didn't think it would be possible for me to like him even less than I did, but he soon proved me wrong by his pathetic behaviour. This is just a way of venting my frustrations. It's set around the first few episodes in the 5th season. Enjoy!
Dedicated to Pippa, Lynne, and every other Riley hater in the world.
Buffy travelled stealthily through the cemetery. Everything was going great. She had a nice, dependable *cough* boyfriend, a great bunch of friends, and a caring family. What more could a girl want?
Buffy's good mood was broken when she saw Spike running towards her. He looked frantic.
"Slayer! Buffy! I need to talk to you!" he stumbled and tripped.
Buffy rolled her eyes. "What do you want, Spike?"
Spike blundered the remaining distance between them, and bent over panting. Please ignore the fact that vampires don't need to breathe, 'k?
"Slayer..." he panted. "There's somethin'....I gotta...tell you..." he trailed off.
Buffy waited. "Well?"
Spike hesitated. "There's no easy way to say this. Your family's dead. There was a vampire attack. I'm so sorry-"
Buffy stared at him, her face a mask of pain.
"They're...dead?" she whimpered. "My mom? My little Dawnie?"
Spike looked down. "Yeah, pet. I'm afraid they are."
"Oh my God. Well, at least I still have my faithful friends."
Spike looked away.
"What?" Buffy probed. "What?!"
Spike winced. "Well y'see...they're kinda dead as well. They were killed while patrolling."
Buffy screamed. "Noooo!"
Spike continued,
"And as well as that...the whole team in L.A. bought the farm. Angelus turned after he slept with Faith. Ripped their throats out."
"Ahhhh!!"
"And...Wolf-boy has been caught by a hunter. Shot 'im with three round of silver bullets."
"Oh no! Not Oz!" Buffy wept. "Spike...you're all I have left now!"
She reached out to hug Spike when he stiffened. The front end of a crossbow bolt protruded from his chest.
"Buffy..." he whispered. "I love you." Then turned to dust. She saw Angelus' grinning face in the distance, before he disappeared into the night.
"NOOOO!!!" Buffy cried.
She turned and ran from the scene. Have to get away...
Buffy ran to Riley's apartment, hoping to God he was still alive.
* * *
In his apartment, Riley was polishing his Rodeo award trophies. In Iowa he was the town champion. and he wanted to keep his trophies clean. I always was good at riding cows.
(A/N: Draw any meaning you want from that, folks.)
Although none of the Scoobies seemed to have noticed, Riley basically had no life. I mean, what did he do when he wasn't with Buffy?
"Good job they're not too observant, huh Bessie?" Riley said to his plastic cow-shaped sex doll.
He was interrupted when he heard an erratic knocking. Riley headed over to the door, expecting the male escort from Hire-a-Whore.
"Buffy, hi!" he greeted his girlfriend. His good mood was soon broken when he noticed she was sobbing her heart out.
"What's wrong, my hoogle-dingis-sweetums?" he asked her.
"They're all dead, Riley! My mom...my friends. They're all gone." Buffy wept.
"Buffy, I'm your boyfriend. Why didn't you tell me?" Riley said angrily.
Buffy looked up, surprised.
"I'm telling you now!" Riley shook his head.
"That's not good enough! Buffy, just because everyone you know and love is dead doesn't give you the right to forget me! You've been really distant lately. You are treating me badly."
Buffy stared at him like he'd grown another bad haircut.
"Riley! I can't believe you! All my loved ones have met a gory death and you're complaining about me not giving you enough attention?!"
Riley looked sheepish. "Well...yeah! I should be the most important person in your life!"
"Screw you, you long paralysed streak of p*ss!"
Riley's face crumpled, and he burst into tears.
"That's it! You're being horrible to me! I'm going to the jungle, so there! WAHHHH!!" he ran from the room.
Buffy stared after him in disbelief. She sat there in silence for about a minute. The silence stretched. Finally, Buffy opened her mouth to speak.
"What a loser!"
The End.