This is just a little story that I
wrote in an attempt to ease some writer's block I've been having. And I think it's funny, and isn't that the
only thing that matters?
DISCLAIMER: You know how this song
goes…me no own, you no sue, la la la la, whoop dee do…or something like that.
Please, please, please review, even
if you hated it. I can handle it. To quote a famous move, " 'I eat pieces of
shit like you for breakfast.' 'You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Eww, that's gross.'"
THE HALLOWEEN PARTY or I AM A CONDOM
"What are you going to put?"
Ororo tapped her black pen against
the front of her teeth as she stared at the small, blank piece of paper in
front of you. "Well, I'm definitely
going to suggest a man's costume…I'm just not sure what. What are you putting down, Rogue?"
Rogue grinned sheepishly as she
unfolded her paper and read her own words aloud. "I put 'latex condom' and it's in the unisex jar."
Ororo burst out in laughter, playing scenarios of who might choose
that as their Halloween costume. The
Beast, fresh from a day in his lab, with saran wrap all over his body came to
mind, and Ororo's laughter increased.
"Oh Goddess, that is an excellent
idea for a costume. Thank you for
telling me, I won't choose out of that jar now."
Rogue refolded the paper and deftly
stuck it into the Mason jar labeled "unisex".
"Not a problem, sugah. I'd
really rather see Remy or Beast in that lil' getup."
"I'd rather see anyone in it
besides me."
"I second that, sugah."
"Rogue, you gonna help Gambit burn
these leaves or you gonna yammer wit' Stormy all day?" Remy called out from the
backyard, his head sticking through the sliding glass door.
"I'm comin', Swamp rat, hold your
horses. I'll talk to you later,
Storm. I can hardly wait until
tomorrow…the Halloween party is going to be a blast!" With that, Rogue left the kitchen to meet Remy outside, who
immediately threw several leaves in her hair.
Shaking her head to herself, Storm
turned back to her paper as she contemplated what her suggestion would be. Let's see…I could put 'French Whore', but
someone does that every year…although, seeing Bobby in purple eyeshadow was
pretty funny…no, I need something original.
Think, Ororo, think. She
looked around the kitchen, desperately seeking inspiration for her costume
suggestion. Every year all the X-Men
put together three jars: the female jar, the male jar, and the unisex jar. Each team member was aloud one suggestion
that had to fit into of those categories, and if luck was with them, everything
worked out come Halloween. There was
that one Halloween when Jean had to dress up like a man…I can't believe she
bought a dildo for it…no, I can't believe that she's yet to return it. Once you picked a suggestion, that was your costume, and your
character for the evening. That little
rule had been invented by Bobby ala the French Whore years, when he decided
that not only would he look like one, but he'd think and talk like one all
evening. Gambit had nearly killed
himself when Bobby had batted his eyelashes at him and seductively murmured,
"Vo Lay Voo Kuu Shay Ah Vay twah?" with a distinctly American accent.
This year, Storm had decided to
pick one of the lucky X-Men's Halloween costumes, but she still couldn't quite
figure out the perfect idea. Some of
the most popular suggestions from year's past were to have the men dress up as
women, and although Remy's double D breasts had been funny for a while, Storm
wanted an idea that was…"I've got it!"
She quickly scribbled down her suggestion and tucked it safe away into
the jar. Her face glowed with laughter
and anticipation. "Tomorrow can't some
soon enough."
***
"May I have your attention, please?
Attention, attention…EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Bobby screamed, all the while cordially
tapping his glass at the head of the table.
Soon, the entire room was silent and Bobby cleared his throat, preparing
himself to continue. "It is my sacred
duty, appointed to me by the gods-" he looked down at Ororo, "and the
goddesses, to be the official 'Costume-idea-hander-outer', so, without further
adieu, may I present The Jars." Bobby's
voice continued in falsetto, high singing as Jubilee brought them forward.
If he's trying to sound like a
chorus of angels, Ororo thought to herself, he'd have better luck getting
castrated first.
Jean was the first to get a jar,
reaching for the unisex one. "Oh my
God."
Scott was next, opting for the
Male. "Sweet Jesus."
Logan. "Holy Shit."
Beast. "Oh my stars and garters."
Logan again, still not quite
recovered. "Holy fucking shit."
Rogue's eyes grew large as she
punched Remy on his shoulder. "In your
dreams, Swamp Rat."
Remy reached a partially gloved
hand in, and began muttering French expletives.
After everyone had had a turn at
the jars, they finally reached Ororo.
Sucking in her breath, and her pride, her mocha hand quickly slid into
the Female jar and pulled out a rather crumpled looking piece of paper.
"Well, what didja get?" Jubilee asked, snapping her gum.
It started to rain outside.
***
Ororo paced around her attic room, wringing her hands and
every now and then casting a glance at that…that blasphemous piece of a paper
that wanted her to dress up like… "Why do I always have to be such a team
player? Oh Goddess, if I dress like
that and stay in character…no, no, I expect them to do the same with their
suggestions, so I must do the same with mine."
Ororo rushed to her closet and flung the door open, nearly off it's
hinges. If she was going to do this,
she wasn't going to do a half assed job.
With that thought in mind, she decided to go do a little shopping. She needed some…supplies. She had the stature for her costume, just
nothing else.
***
"That'll be twenty-two fifty,"
slightly stoned looking teenage girl said, as she finished bagging a few of
Ororo's items. Only a few, though,
because the bulk of her shopping was already done, with those items waiting for
her in the back of her neon.
"Hey, why ya need all this
stuff? You look well endowed to me,"
the Parker Posey-esque girl asked, handing Ororo her bag.
A catlike grin swept Ororo's face
as she thought of her reply. "Because
no one'll ever say that Ororo Munroe wasn't a team player."
***
"Logan?"
"What?"
"May I borrow your sword?"
"My what?"
"Oh, don't think so highly of
yourself, you Canukclehead. Your sword,
the one you use to fight."
"If yer implying that I don't do
some serious damage with this sword, then I gotta tell ya someth-"
"It's in the closet right? Thanks, I'll just bring this back when I'm
done with it."
"-ing
darlin', you're seriously mistaken."
***
"Let's get this party started
y'all!" Bobby yelled, adjusting his bra strap.
He pouted his ruby red lips as he played with his long, brown hair. Someone was dancing with his man. Bobby did his sultry walk as he approached
Gambit and Rogue.
"Nah listen heah, Swamp Rat. You be mah fellah nah, so we gonna
dance…uhh…fried grits y'all and y'all come back nah, ya heah?"
Rogue rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Bobby, I do NOT sound lahk
tha…like that. And can't Remy and I
have at least one dance?"
"Now, now chere, the way I see it
is that Rogue wants to dance with me, and since she be my girlfriend and
you, a
hooker-coming-off-of-herione-for-the-first-time-and-so-desperates-for-money-that-she'll-do-anything-to-anyone
aren't, I think I'll dance wit' my girl.
Shall we, Rogue?"
Bobby threw his hands up to his
face and began fanning his brightly painted red cheeks. "Why, Mr. Teletubby, Ah'm downright
flattered that yah'd wanna dance wit' lil ole me!" Bobby raised his green-nylon clad arm. "Shall we? And, may Ah
remind you, sir, you, and you're two bit whore, need to stay in character ALL
eve-nin!"
Rogue fumed to herself silently as her
purple teletubby walked away with…her. Dammit,
people shouldn't be allowed to suggest to be other X-Men. Oh well, I might as well get into
character. Rogue checked to make
sure that she still had the small strips of rubber tied around her forearm, and
a fake syringe taped to her vein, and made her way over to the refreshment
table, where an upset Scott and bemused Jean stood.
"Hey, hey, Mr.I-Love-Bobby-Sings all over him, I'll kiss yer
pecker for a quarter, and I'll take it in the end for a dollar and a lighter."
Scott turned to face Rogue, his Iceman mask slipping from off his
face. "What?! Oh, hi Rog…hi whore. I" he shot a look at the giant banana that
he proudly called his wife, who nodded eagerly, egging him on "I would only
want to have anal sex with Bobby, also known as the Iceman, because I love him
and I want to have his baby!"
"Ah heard that! And Ah only love Remy, and Ah have a bad dye
job!"
"Shut up," an angry looking hooker
yelled. "I mean, shut up before I come
over there and make you shut up."
Jean, trying to cover her mouth,
had a helpless fit of the giggles. "Oh,
God, Rogue, you look awful."
"I should, it's my first day off
heroine. And might I add, you look
rather 'apeeling' yourself."
"Ha. That was funny the first time I heard it from The Bobby Fan, and
only sort of funny when I heard it from Jubilee, otherwise known as Jesus
Christ."
Hearing her name mentioned, Jubilee
looked up from across the room. "Like,
don't make fun of the Son of God, or he's gonna come over there and kick your
ass, even if you are one of God's creatures!"
This brought on more strains of
laughter, as Kurt, who for the night was Tammy Fay Baker, began to argue with
her if Jesus would approve of animal testing for make up.
"So," Rogue said, shifting her
attention back on her conversation with the Banana and Bobby Fan, "I have yet
to of seen Logan or Ororo yet."
"Neither have we. We haven't seen Beast yet, either."
"Oh, he's just making sure his
lederhosen are still on strait. He was
yodeling for a while, until the Rogue threatened to punch his lights out."
Just then, there was a lull in the music as the doors quietly
opened. Logan had tried to enter
discretely, but he had not a chance. One of his lambs baaed.
"OH MAH GAWD, IT'S MARY BO
PEEP!" Bobby swooned into Remy's arms.
With a half chewed cigar hanging
out of his mouth, golden curls framing his face, pink, lacey bonnet, and pink
frilly gown with miles of petticoats, Logan made his way into the room, tugging
the now petrified lamb behind him.
"Anybody says one thing and I'll
smack you with my crook."
There was a brief silence as the
entire room stood still, absorbing Logan and his femininity.
"Jesus thinks it's a good look for
you, Wolvie."
"Vhy does Yesus refer to himself in
ze zird person?"
"Don't question the mysterious ways
of the Lord."
Logan let loose his rakish grin
that he was famous for and pulled the lamb off towards the side, where Goose
from Top Gun promised to take care of it.
The Banana ran up to him, barely
able to control her laughter. "Logan,
you're…you're ADORABLE!"
Logan smiled again and replied in a
little girl voice. "Thank you vewy
much."
***
Rogue tapped her finger against the
refreshment table, apparently in deep thought or having an acid induced
flashback. "I'm still wondering where
that sweet ass Storm is. If she only
gave me a nickel, oh the things I'd do to her."
"Did someone call my name?" a
thunderous voice asked, echoing throughout the room.
"Storm, is that you? Where are you?" Jean called out, looking around the vast room. She resisted the urge to do a mental sweep,
deciding that she'd rather be surprised.
"Ha, silly humans. I am not Storm, I am…" the doors that Logan
had entered from were kicked open, and Ororo stood, hands on her hips.
"…Xena, Warrior Princess. Hiyeyeyeyeye!"
she called, doing her best impression of the TV stars famous battle cry as she
ran into the room, gaining enough momentum, and enough wind, to flip herself in
mid-air, only to land with her sword drawn.
"Does anyone dare challenge the Warrior Princess?"
She eyed the room warily. Everyone was in too much of a shock to
speak. All of Ororo's meticulous
shopping had paid off, and she stood before them in the authentic Xena costume
that she'd snagged off of E-Bay and picked up from a guy in lower New York the
day before. Her breasts had increased
in size by a good five inches, and her usually white tresses were now a rich
brown. She had even painted an old
Frisbee to be her chakraam, and it hung on her belt by her waist.
Ororo continued searing the room
with her warrior battle gaze, until she saw… "Logan?!? Holy Goddess…I mean, hmmm, your feminine
ways intrigue me. Tell me, fair wench,
have you ever considered becoming a certain warrior's travel companion?"
"So that's why you wanted my sword,"
was all Logan could think of saying as he openly ogled Storm. If that's what Xena looks like…I should
really start watching that show.
The music switched to a different
song, and soon Xena was engulfed in the crowd laughing and chatting with
everyone. Rogue and Jean eventually
caught up to her. "Oh, Xena, you look
great."
"Yeah, I'd nail you in a second for
a Lincoln. And I do believe that you
have the best costume here tonight."
"Don't speak too soon, Rogue," a
voice called out from behind them. All
three turned around to see the Professor, saran wrap covering his body with
several multicolored pieces of…latex pinned to him. The three stood, jaws literally hanging open. The Professor just smiled.
"That's right, ladies. I am a condom."
