Chapter 3- Ground Control to Major Tom. Ground Control to Major Tom. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on…
Again with the titles. You should know that by now! This one is from David Bowie's 'Space Oddity'. The name alone seems to fit Andy Dick perfectly, don't you think?
"What the hell is this?" Luka asked, walking in to find Dave holding the hands of a wiry blond man, which, although handsome, looked like a geek.
"This is Matthew Brock, my boyfriend." Dave introduced.
"Oh, that is… The man from NewsRadio!"
Matthew blushed. "Well, actually, I'm just a reporter…"
Luka sauntered up to Dave. "Is he, the, um…"?
"He very well may be. They have to find out how far I am, and the last time I made love with Matt." Dave said, kissing Matt gently on the nose.
"Wait a minute… If the baby is mine, then it'll live with my cats… Right?"
"Probably."
"Oh, no! It'll pull all the fur and then they'll be unpresentable to the Cook County Cat Cabaret!" Matthew whined.
Dave slapped his head, and then looked down at his belly. "I'm sorry, sweetie, but this might very well be your father!"
"Shut up!"
"So, Liz? Do you know how this thing's gonna come out?" Dave asked.
"Um, actually…" She said, leaning down and whispering something in his ear.
"YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?" He shrieked.
Elizabeth grinned. "All the pain we women have gone through since the dawn of mankind…" She said with a sly grin on her face.
"It's payback time, man." She hissed, walking out of the lounge, leaving Dave to his charts.
"What a bitch-a-rooney-dooney!" Matt said.
"Yes. Thanks for clarifying that." Luka said, walking in to grab some coffee.
"Jeez, Dave only works with her… You have to sleep with her!"
"Jealous? I know Dave is, considering the fact that you belong in amateur porn."
"Why, thank you!" Matt said, with genuine happiness.
Just then there was a sound of a kazoo.
"Luka, we need help! The clown for the pedes came in…" Cleo said.
"OOH! CLOWNS!" Matthew shouted, jumping up and running out the door.
Luka looked at Dave with a raised eyebrow.
"I know, he's a little… out of it… but 1.) He's the sweetest, kindest, most loving person in the world. 2.) At night he's one hell of a lover."
That night:
Matthew knelt before Dave, with his head to Dave's pregnant gut. He couldn't hear much, but he liked the fact that he was the father. Okay, so it hadn't been proven… Big Deal. He reached up and grasped Dave's hand. "Dave, I love you." He whispered. Dave pulled Matthew back up.
"Davey… Will you marry me?"
A few months later-
"Abby! I think I'm having… the male version of contractions…"
"What the hell?" Romano asked.
"My dick is having contractions. Happy?" Dave snapped.
"Why does he have to get so angry?"
"Well, generally most mothers are irritable when they are having their children. Dave giving birth… Well, that'd make any man irritable." Elizabeth said.
"AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! THIS SUCKS!" Dave screamed.
"Tell me about it." Elizabeth said.
"WHERE THE FUCK IS MATTHEW!" Dave yelled, acting like a nervous, er… mother.
Just then, Matthew came running around the corner, slipping on a rubber glove and sliding on his ass until he slammed into Romano. This sent the bald man to the ground.
"Oh, I am so sorry, I…" Romano shot him a look that could freeze Satan. "O…kay."
Kerry took over. "We're taking this baby out in a C-section." She said.
"What!?!?!?!" Elizabeth yelled, unhappy about her revenge.
"Wow. Everything's gone totally bitchcakes today!" Matthew stated.
They whisked Dave away and into another room.
"Spaz." Dave said to Matthew as they injected sedatives.
"Ziggy." Matthew replied, grasping Dave's hand.
"I love you." Dave whispered as he went out.
Hours later-
"What the hell is taking so long?" Romano asked.
"They're taking a baby out of a man. It's not like you're that stupid!" Matthew said.
"Well, hurry up! I gotta pee!" Romano whined.
"Join the club. Meetings are on Tuesday and Thursday nights." Matthew said, honestly.
More hours later-
"Here you go, Matthew. Say hello to your little baby boy." Abby said, softly.
"Hello, little guy!" He whispered, cradling the little bundle to his chest. The baby just sucked his thumb and opened his eyes to reveal that they were the bluer than blue. There was a mess of blond hair on his head, which meant that the baby was most obviously Matthew's.
Matthew leaned down and kissed the baby's tiny hand and smiled. "I hope you don't hurt my kittens!" He said. Dave smiled at the sight of his baby and his lover. "Would you please quit worrying about those damn cats!" Matthew handed the baby to Dave, who smiled wide.
"Do we tell the government about this?" Romano asked.
"Don't you dare, you son of a bitch!" Benton said.
"Why, I mean, it's a guy getting pregnant!"
"Hey, this is the author's alternate universe. This universe is perfect. No hatred based on religion, no Saddam In..er… Hussein, no Jane Fonda, no Clooney, and no hatred towards race or sexuality. And now men can be pregnant. In her eyes, it's the perfect world." Carter said.
"Dammit, Stephanie! Please, if you must talk to the readers, at least use authors' notes." Mark said.
Author's Note: Shut up, Mark.
Elizabeth smiled.
"So, what are you guys going to name the baby?"
"Uh, I haven't really chosen a name…" Dave said.
"How about Tawn-"
Dave glared at Matthew.
"Seann William?"
"Much better. Seann William he shall be."
None of them knew it, but the baby had a mind that was adult-capacity, and so he could speak.
Ehhh… Maybe these guys won't be so bad as parents.
"Agooo-booo-juuujuuu!" Matthew baby-spoke to Seann.
Son of a Bitch. Seann thought.
The End.
I know it was weak, but I really can't find a way to go anywhere with it. I know it's a little weird making Matthew Brock/Andy Dick the father, but I absolutely adore him. He can be quite funny. Also, yes, I have fallen in love with Seann William Scott all over again, and abso-fucking-lutely have to see American Pie 1 (again) and the sequel… Jason Biggs and Seann share a kiss, I do believe… Hot, but still not as hot as the Ashton Kutcher/Seann William Scott kiss of DWMC… Okay, apologies for rambling…. I'll just go now… Whadja think?