Well, here it is, my first short little humor! This is extremely retarded, I got the idea when I saw my little Harry Potter calendar thingy for the day, and it said "Help Hermione find her bag of Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans!" Anyway, please enjoy this evidence of my insanity that I like to call a fanfiction!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter or Tampax, or anything that you know isn't owned by me. Only the idea and the scenario are mine! SO DON'T SUE ME!
What Happens When A Witch PMSes?
By Sailor Jedi Witch
Rated PG, but if it needs a higher rating, tell me and I'll change it.
Harry and Ron walked into the Gryffindor common room, talking excitedly about the upcoming Quidditch match against Slytherin. Ron plopped down in a comfy armchair, and noticed something funny in the trash can.
"Hey Harry, what's this?" he said, holding up a little pink plastic wrapper.
"Let me see," Harry replied, walking to Ron to look at the strange item he found. Harry took one look at it and panicked.
"Ron, let's get out of here, now!" Harry said, grabbing Ron and trying to make him move.
"You know what this is?" Ron asked.
"Yes and its bad news! Come on, Ron, let's GO!"
"Tell me what it is first!"
"There's no time, come on, come ON!"
"I'm not leaving until you tell me!"
"Fine, I'll tell you. It's a tampon wrapper, which means there is some witch around here PMSing, and that is NOT good!"
"What's PMSing?"
"I can't believe you don't know what that is, but I'll tell you later, there's no time now…" Harry urged, grabbing Ron and dragging him to the portrait hole. But as he was doing that, Hermione walked down from the girl's dorm.
"What's going on?" she asked, confused. Harry walked cautiously toward her, as if she were a dangerous beast.
"Are you feeling well, today, Hermione?" he asked even more cautiously.
"No, not at all," she answered. "I'm just craving Every Flavor Beans! I need them NOW! I'm so depressed!"
"Oh no," moaned Harry, "She's the one PMSing! Let's get out of here, Ron!" Harry grabbed his best friend and ran with him out of the room.
Once they were out of reach of Hermione, they stopped in the hallway, and leaned against the wall, exhausted.
"So what's PMSing?" asked Ron. "Why is it so bad?"
"Let's just say it's a time when girls get really crazy for a few days. The get cravings, and mood swings, and are extra sensitive. This is all caused by the evil hormone called estrogen."
"Oh," said Ron. "I guess it's good that we ran away, then."
"Yes, very good."
Just then, Professor McGonagall came around the corner. She saw Harry and Ron there, and her eyes welled up with tears.
"Oh, boys! Did I ever tell you how much I love you? You're like sons to me!" she exclaimed, crying with what appeared to be joy.
"Thanks, Professor," Ron said awkwardly. Surprisingly, McGonagall's face turned beet red, and she screamed at them, outraged,
"YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING! YOU RUINED THE SPECIAL MOMENT! DAMN YOU! 500 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR! I need some Every Flavor Beans!" And McGonagall ran off, now crying hysterically.
"Oh no! Mood swings! I think she's PMSing too!" cried Harry. "I guess when witches PMS, they crave Every Flavor Beans. With Muggles, it's chocolate! We've got to get away from her before she does any more damage!" said Harry, grabbing Ron and running away again.
However, on their way to find a sanctuary, they ran into Cho Chang. Seeing that she was doubled over in pain, Harry ran over to her, and asked,
"What's the matter Cho? Are you hurt?"
"Yes!" she answered, groaning. "I've got cramps! But I feel better now that you're here, Harry," she added, eyeing him with a gleam in her eyes. She grabbed him and snuggled up to his arm, then tried to kiss him. Harry tried to back away, completely frightened.
"You take your little hands off him, slut!" came a cry behind Harry. He twisted around to see Hermione there.
"Hermione! Help!" he cried, trying to push away the lustful Cho Chang. Hermione ran up to Harry and grabbed his other arm, trying to pull him away from Cho. Cho pulled back. Harry has just gotten himself involved in between a tug of war of two PMSing girls.
"Get away, you BEEPing BEEP!" cried Cho, tugging on Harry.
"He's mine you BEEP!" argued Hermione.
"Well, go stick your head in BEEP you BEEP BEEPer BEEP!"
"I'd rather BEEP BEEP BEEPing BEEPer BEEP BEEP BEEP!"
Harry was going nuts. He felt like he was on Star Wars, surrounded by R2 units, or on Jerry Springer, or worse-Sesame Street: The True UNCENSORED! Story.
"Hey, you know what? You killed Cedric! I hate you, you BEEP! I don't want you no mow!" cried Cho, pouting and walking away.
"No mow?" said Ron. "What's that? I'M SO CONFUSED!" he cried, grabbing his head and running around in circles.
Harry and Hermione, however, were not paying attention to Ron's antics.
"Stop!" he cried as Hermione moved in slowly with a crazed look. "I liked you, but now you're acting all…scary! Hermione! I know what's wrong! You've turned to the dark side! Don't let the estrogen take over you, Hermione! Come out of the black world of PMS! The estrogen is taking over your soul!" Hermione only cackled and continued to move in closer. Harry ran for his life.
On the way, he bumped into Dumbledore.
"Professor, help me!" he cried.
"They're all PMSing!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "There is no escape!"
"ALL of them? All the girls in the WHOLE SCHOOL?"
"Yes, Harry! There is no escape!"
"There has to be! I think I know a way!" he said, grabbing Dumbledore and the still confused Ron and running towards the nearest boys' bathroom. They clambered inside and shut the door.
"They'll never get us in here!" Harry panted triumphantly. "We'll just wait out while the war of raging hormones goes on outside," he said.
"Good thinking, Harry!" said Dumbledore.
"I'M SO CONFUSED!" said Ron, running around in circles with his head in his hands.
"It's going to be okay, Ron," said Harry soothingly, but it had no effect on his best friend.
"What's going to be okay?" said two very… um… interesting voices behind him.
Harry whirled around in horror to see two men: Gilderoy Lockhart and Severus Snape, the two… um… special men we love to make fun of-both with very large bags of Bertie Botts' Every Flavor Beans.
"Oh no," moaned Harry. "They're PMSing too! But that's impossible! It's what my fifth grade teacher said! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"
"I always thought there was something wrong about those two," murmured Dumbledore thoughtfully.
"IMPOSSIBLE!" Harry was yelling. "He said so… impossible… estrogen, PMS… impossible…" he muttered to himself.
"I'M SO CONFUSED!" said Ron.
"NO escape!" said Dumbledore.
"IMPOSSIBLE! HE SAID SO! ESTROGEN!"
"I'M SO CONFUSED!"
"NO ESCAPE!"
Now friends, you what happens when a witch PMSes! Dun dun dun!
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Mwa ha ha! I'm so EVIL! Did you like that? I really enjoyed writing it! And you can review saying how incredibly stupid that was, I don't care. Even flame if you want, I'm in a good mood, and it's not like this is my best fic ever! Hee hee hee! This was so much fun, I should do this sort of thing more often!