Title: A Measure of Happiness
Author: Valerie
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc. I own nothing.
Summary: More post-Giftage. If you can wade through yet another Buffy resurrection, I promise there's some B/S sex a comin'!
Rating: R for adult concepts, language and semi-descriptive sex.
Spoilers: Through the end of Season 5.
Feedback: Yes please!
Distribution: Sure.
Chapter 4: Welcome Back from the Dead
"I don't know if this is such a good idea," Buffy said as they got out of the car in the parking garage of the apartment complex where Xander and Anya now lived together. It had been three days since her 'resurrection,' as everyone now called it.
"Come on, Buffy, even in Sunnydale a 'Welcome Back from the Dead' party is a pretty rare occurrence. Besides, there were some other people who wanted to see you," Dawn said, taking Buffy's hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"People? How many people?" Buffy asked with much trepidation.
"Just a few, I promise."
They headed for the elevator. "Did I mention how grown up you're starting to look now?"
Dawn smiled and rolled her eyes. "Only about a million times."
"Sorry, it's just, so many things have changed in four months. Xander and Anya engaged and living together, everyone treating Spike like one of the gang, –"
"Well, Buffy, that started when you began trusting him after he was tortured by Glory and didn't give me up. Then, when you died, he took it so hard – I guess even Xander felt sorry for him."
"He took it hard?"
Dawn stopped walking. "God, Buffy, think about it. He's a completely neutered vampire, his whole reason for existence cut off from him. The only thing he had to live for was you. When you died, he ..."
"What?"
"Tried to end it. I caught him outside our house the morning after the wake waiting for the sun to rise. I pled with him to come inside, which he finally did. Then there was the blood; he wouldn't eat. I practically had to force-feed him for a week." Dawn sighed.
"Why did you do all that to keep him alive?"
Dawn's eyes got shiny with tears. "Because I couldn't lose anyone else! Because I needed him." Dawn started walking again. "I'm not sure how I would've gotten through all this without him. I guess... I guess he's like a big brother to me. A much, much older, pale weirdo big brother."
Buffy smiled at that. "And everyone else just accepted him into the Scooby fold?"
"Not at first. But he was needed to help keep the vampire population under control. Then gradually the others started to see what I saw; that he was still interested in doing good. And obviously it wasn't to get into your pants anymore."
"Dawn!"
"What?" said Dawn, looking innocent. "Here we are," she said as they approached the door to Xander and Anya's apartment. Dawn stuck her head in the door. "She's here!" she yelled, waited a beat, then grabbed Buffy by the arms and propelled her through the doorway.
Cries of "Welcome back!" and "Hooray!" filled the room as her friends crowded around to greet her. They had even made a couple of banners, one reading "Welcome Back from the Dead" and the other, more blasphemous, reading "Jesus ain't got nothin' on Buffy."
In addition to Xander, Anya, Tara, and Willow, Giles, who had flown in two days ago, was there. Also present were a few special people who had made this trip from L.A. under much different circumstances four months ago. When Buffy saw Angel, she went to him and folded herself into his arms. After a long moment with no words, she pulled away and greeted Cordelia and Wesley warmly. Anya and Xander brought out food and turned on some music, and the little party began. Buffy and Angel sat down together on the sofa.
"I feel like I should be apologizing to people because they had to mourn me," Buffy remarked.
"Yeah, Cordy was just saying to me the other day, Buffy sure was selfish dying on us like that."
Buffy laughed. "I'm not sure if you're joking or not."
"I'm joking. You'd be surprised with Cordelia these days. She's grown up a lot."
The door banged open and Spike came in, a twelve-pack of beer in each hand. " 'Lo, all."
"Spike, the bearer of beer! Come on back!" Xander beckoned from the kitchen.
Buffy watched the interchange bemusedly. "I don't know what scares me more, that William the Bloody is shlepping beers for a bunch of humans or that Xander had clearly already invited him into his apartment."
Angel looked at Buffy seriously. "Do you trust him, Buffy?"
Buffy pondered that. "Spike? I don't know. The others have had four months longer to get used to the new, improved Spike, the one who, as Dawn put it, is doing good for reasons other than getting into my pants." She grimaced at that. "I guess in some ways I do trust him."
"Just... be careful. He is capable of human emotions, more than most vampires, but that doesn't make him human."
"I know."
There was a slightly awkward pause. "Giles said they have no idea yet why you're back."
Buffy sighed. "No. Giles has exhausted his own resources and has called the Council. They're looking into it, I guess. But it would make me feel a lot better, just... knowing. I guess you can relate."
"Yeah." Angel reached into his pocket, pulling out a business card and a pen. "I think I know someone who might be able to help you, though," he said, writing an address on the back of the card. "This is the address of a place in L.A. called Caritas. It's a bar, well, actually a demon kareoke bar. Don't ask," he replied to her querulous expression. "The guy who runs the place, Lorne, is a personal friend of mine. He may be able to give you some of the answers you're looking for."
"Thanks," she said, taking the card and turning it over. "Wow, I never saw your cards before. What is that logo, a lobster or something?"
--------------
Buffy stood on the balcony of the apartment, a beer in hand, gazing wistfully out into the night. The party was nice, but in some ways it was too much too soon. And she feared that like three years ago when she returned from her stint as a runaway, her friends were using the party as a way to hide the fact that they weren't entirely comfortable with her yet.
Spike came out onto the balcony and lit a cigarette. "Now why is the guest of honor hiding out here?"
She shrugged. "I don't know." She gestured toward the apartment. "It's too much, I guess."
"Yeah, I told them that it would be, but Willow and Xander got an idea and they ran with it." He examined her face in the dim light. "How are you holding up with all this? Really."
Buffy took a shaky breath. "Not great. I guess I just have no experience that helps me deal. Being dropped into a world four months after I died in it. Not knowing how or why. Not knowing what my place in this world is anymore. Not knowing if I even have one," she said more quietly.
"Buffy, how can you say that? Of course you have a place! As Dawn's sister, as a friend to so many people –"
"Yeah, people who still look at me cross-eyed for even being here," she said angrily. "They grieved for me and they moved on, and now here I am trying to reinsert myself into their lives again –"
"Buffy, you're wrong. Yes, things have happened since you died. The world is four months older. But if you think for a minute that we had really 'moved on,' that we haven't thanked the stars every single day for having you back –" He stopped for a moment, swallowed, and took an unneeded breath. "You friends just need to get over the feeling that they're seeing a ghost every time they look at you, that's all."
"You don't look at me that way."
He looked away. "I guess I spent more time fantasizing that you would come back somehow is all. This, this is just my fantasy made real."
She smiled at him sadly. Spike stared out at the night sky, refusing to meet her glance. On impulse, she moved to him and wrapped her arms around him. He jumped, startled, then returned the embrace.
"Not to look a gift horse in the mouth and all that, but what's this for?"
Buffy shrugged. "You said you wouldn't say no to a hug, so..."
Spike smiled, then hugged her tighter. "Welcome back from the dead, Buffy."