Title: A Measure of Happiness Author: Valerie
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc. I own nothing.
Summary: More post-Giftage. If you can wade through yet another Buffy resurrection, I promise there's some B/S sex a comin'!
Rating: R for adult concepts, language and semi-descriptive sex.
Spoilers: Through the end of Season 5.
Feedback: Yes please!
Distribution: Sure.
Author's note: The title of this chapter is from the song of the same name by Joan Osborne.
Chapter 5: Right Hand Man
After three more days, Buffy was itching to get back to her Slayer duties. Her friends encouraged her to rest, but Buffy pointed out that after Glory, slaying a simple vampire would be a welcome change. However, when she finally went out on her first patrol, Spike was in tow.
"Spike, I appreciate your concern, really, but I'll be fine. You can go home."
"If I went home, Willow would kick my ass. Come on, Buffy, allow us to be a little paranoid about losing you right now."
"Fine." They walked through the cemetery in silence for a bit. "Giles is going back to England tomorrow."
"Yeah, I heard."
"Guess I'm officially Watcher-less again," Buffy said sadly.
Spike tried to make light of it. "Oh, you know anytime you want someone to watch you," he said, pointedly looking at her ass, "I'd be more than happy to oblige." Buffy didn't respond, even to punch him. Spike dropped the joke. "Well, you know, luv, he got back together with that Olivia bird. Can't expect him to spend the rest of his life in Sunnydale clucking his tongue at Americans."
"I know. I want him to be happy. After all we've been through he deserves a calm, happy life with a wife and maybe children, even. Can you imagine little Gileses running around?" She giggled, but it quickly trailed off. "Somebody should have those things," she muttered.
"Translation: you believe you will never have those things."
"You have to admit, it's not looking good. The other night Cordelia asked if coming back from the dead made me feel invincible, or impervious to harm. But really it makes me feel just the opposite. I feel like the countdown clock on my life has been reset, but it's still counting down fast. Someday another Glory or Master or some other Big Bad is gonna come along and I'm gonna lose. Or I'm gonna have to sacrifice myself again." She sighed. "Besides, none of that matters if I never find a man to share my short and pathetic life with anyway."
"Woah, close the streets, because Buffy's havin' a pity parade!" Spike took her chin in his hand and looked into her eyes. "First, all you can do is live each day the way you want to live it and fight the battles you have to fight. If you die tomorrow, well, I'll be royally pissed off, but that's the way things are, and if you live to be a grandma with sagging breasts, then that's the way things are. Just be happy. And as far as men go," he grinned, "You've just gotta stop denyin' your feelings and hook up with me once and for all." She rolled her eyes. "I'm kidding. Buffy, you are the most beautiful, strong-willed, fascinating, sexy woman I have ever had the pleasure to know. Any man who gets to look at you, much less marry you and sire your babies should consider himself the luckiest man on Earth. Eventually you'll meet someone who realizes that." He let go of her chin and started walking again.
She just stood and stared at him for a few seconds before she was able to get over the shock of his words, at which point she trotted to catch up with him. "Spike," she said, grabbing his hand, "That was… Thank you." And with that she kissed him gently on the lips. "I wish you could be… well, I guess I wish you were human."
He winced internally at that, but didn't show her his pain at that statement. "You know, being human is highly overrated. Besides, you wouldn't have liked me as a human. I was a ponce."
"What happened to, 'I've always been bad'?"
"Yeah, about that, I wasn't entirely truthful. Actually, I was pretty fuckin' innocent, and painfully shy, and … a poet."
"Really?" She tried to imagine Spike writing poetry. Nope, impossible. She tried again: the hair would've been different, his natural color and in some 19th century style, same with the clothes, no scar over the eyebrow, OK, now she could sort of see it. But then she tried to imagine this 19th century Spike, no, William, in her mind's eye telling her she was beautiful and sexy, and that didn't work either. Maybe he was right, maybe she wouldn't have liked him. Which made her ponder the fact that she liked him now. In spite of everything in their past, most of it ugly, he was now her friend.
"Struck speechless by the idea of me writing flowery poetry, eh?"
"Actually, I was struck speechless by the idea that you and I, in spite of everything in the past, are now pretty much friends."
"Pretty twisted. I guess I have things to apologize for. Not for trying to kill you for two years, that was the natural order of things. That was the food chain. But once I started loving you…" He paused. "That thing with Dru, and that bloody robot. I'm sorry for those things. I wish I had done that better. I guess that's the kind of stuff a soul comes in handy for, huh?"
She smiled a small, wistful smile. "I guess."
They walked in silence a little longer. Finally Buffy asked the question she'd been pondering for some time. "Spike, if you got that chip out today, would you try to kill me?"
He looked at her with a pained expression. "The chip doesn't control my feelings, it wouldn't be like losing a soul. You, your sister, even your soddin' friends... I care about you. I care about what happens to you, and I would grieve if something happened to any of you. Well, maybe not Xander," he said grinning. Then he turned serious again. "So no, I wouldn't try to kill you or Dawn or the Scoobies. I wouldn't leave notes on your pillow or kill Willow's bloody fish either. I'm not Angel.
"But if what you're really asking is, would I continue to be a white hat, fighting the good fight and all that rubbish, would I continue to shop at the butcher, that's something else again. I am what I am. A vampire. I'm not much of one now, to be sure, but if I were again... Feeding from humans is my nature, luv. I'm not sure if I could deny that."
Buffy looked at him angrily. "So just like that, after two years, you just, what, pick up where you left off? After protecting humans you go back to preying on them?" Spike shrugged. "Then I'd have to kill you," Buffy said softly, and she was surprised that it made her heart ache a little to say it.
"I know."
Before they could say any more, they both caught movement off to the left with their peripheral vision and turned quickly, both taking up a defensive position. Two vampires were walking along several yards away, oblivious to the Slayer and vampire watching them.
"We'll flank them," Buffy said, and without a backward glance at Spike, headed off to the left, ducking behind tombstones so that she could make a surprise attack. She positioned herself roughly in the vampire's path and waited for them to catch up. When they were a few feet away, she sprang up in front of them, a wicked smile on her face. "Well, hey there, boys. Remember me?"
It was clear that they did in fact remember her, because they immediately began running in the opposite direction, only to find Spike bearing down on them from behind with his game face on. Caught between the proverbial rock and hard place, they turned to fight.
Buffy moved in to deliver a roundhouse kick to the head of the bigger of the two, but her movement was slightly off center and she almost lost her balance. Disconcerted, she punched the vampire three times in the stomach, causing him to stagger backwards. That's better. She pulled out a stake and plunged it into his chest, but he had moved slightly at the last second and she missed the heart. Before she could attack again, the vamp grabbed her wrist and twisted it viciously, causing her to drop the stake, gasping in pain. He kicked her feet out from under her, and Buffy hit the ground. Seizing his advantage, the vampire dove onto her, pinning her to the ground. Buffy felt his fangs at her neck, ready to plunge in. Great, she thought, struggling against him, I get resurrected just to die at the hands of some two-bit Sunnydale vamp. Suddenly, the vampire disappeared and a fine cloud of dust drifted down into her face. Buffy looked up to see Spike standing over her, a stake in his hand.
"The other one?" she asked.
"Got 'im." Spike took her hand and pulled her to her feet. "God, Slayer, what happened?"