So small and pathetic it didn't even merit a title

UNTITLED

SUMMARY: End of Season 4. Delenn tries to convince Ivanova to stay on Babylon 5. Susan's POV.

PAIRINGS: T/I, I/M (kinda)

RATING: PG-13. Darkfic.

On my brother's death, dozens of cards arrived, expressing condolences. Everyone was so quiet and respectful… part of me was glad that mother had not lived to see it.

Of course, I wanted to join Earthforce – be a hero. Be an apology on a white card with candles or a dove and an appropriate religious quotation. Fully determined to be a heroic martyr and be mourned appropriately. I didn't want to die, of course, but when I did I wanted… something. Someone to need consoling.

It sounds selfish, but it's human, Delenn. It's part of the reason we have children – so that someone will remember us. So that someone will love us enough to mourn us.

Friends are important, yes. But kin – family – even if it's not by blood… that's hard to create and even harder to find. I thought that by joining Earthforce I was at least guaranteeing that, right? Everyone loves a hero.

The independence, the life itself… those were perks. Earthforce was a ready-made family for me.

You know how things are now. Back then I had hope. I thought eventually I'd meet someone. We'd fall in love, get married… maybe I could even take a leave of absence and have a baby. Frightening thought, isn't it? More of *me* running around.

Well, I wanted all that, but it wasn't urgent. I had my career. I had Earthforce.

When I came to Babylon 5, things just fell together. The command staff, the ambassadors… all people who knew me. Would they mourn me? I thought some in the command staff might. Michael. Jeff. Even Stephen – he had become a friend by then. I had a *place*, you know?

And then… Talia. I don't… I can't describe what I had with Talia, so I'm not even going to try. I told you once that I think… I think I loved her. It hurts that hardly anyone knew. We'd only just realised it ourselves when…

It hurts that people remember her as 'Ms. Winters'. That so few remember her as Talia. That even fewer know how *I* remember her. It's not that we didn't tell people – you know I'm not likely to run screaming through the Zocalo. But we never had the chance to get that close. Because I was so afraid.

I don't have any cards of condolences for her.

Then – Marcus. You know about Marcus. That was an even worse nightmare. Delenn, I don't know if I can even talk about him. I… it hurts. It hurts to even say his name.

I don't know if I loved him. No doubt it'll hit me one night when I'm drinking alone and I won't know how to go on.

When I lost Marcus, in one gigantic leap I lost everything I had left.

My family was gone. My parents, my brother – all dead.

Talia is gone – worse than dead. Other lovers – I won't bother you with the torrid details. All gone.

Marcus. Gone. And, with him, the 'cause'. I gave up my family – Earthforce – for the 'cause'. Those last few days I was ready to die for it, a martyr. At least someone would be left to mourn me. Maybe even get a card or two for.

When he died, he took that away from me. Once more I was mourning and people didn't know. Once more there was nothing in my inbox or my pigeon hole.

My friends – you, John, the others – all expressed sympathies. All hugged me. But I hadn't loved Marcus, so I didn't merit a card.

I know I didn't, Delenn, I don't mean to sound accusative. And I know that I'm surrounded by friends. But I can't go back. I can't go on like this, forever standing still, waiting. There's nothing left for me.

I didn't love Marcus. That's why I'm mourning.

*****

fin