Title: A Measure of Happiness Author: Valerie
Disclaimer: All characters
owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc. I own nothing.
Summary: More post-Giftage.
This is essentially a B/S romance (with sex, of course), but also will
eventually deal with grander themes of good and evil. Maybe.
Rating: R for adult
concepts, language and semi-descriptive sex.
Spoilers: Through the end
of Season 5
Feedback: Yes please!
Distribution: Sure. Just
let me know.
Chapter 12: Girl Talk
As the next few days
passed, Buffy tried to put all thought of what she had learned at Caritas out
her mind. She tried to remember what Spike had told her: all you can do is
live each day the way you want to live it and fight the battles you have to
fight. It was good advice; Armageddon wasn't here yet, and until it was, it
wasn't going to do her any good to lose sleep over it. So she focused on the
immediate things in her life, which as it turned out, were primarily training
with Spike, patrolling with Spike, and having sex with Spike. Her resolve to
stop things before she got in any deeper had completely melted. They made out
like bandits in the magic shop training room when they were supposed to be
working on her fighting skills. They ducked into his crypt for a quickie on the
sarcophagus when they were supposed to be patrolling. If Buffy had stopped to
think about it, she probably would've realized that she was happier and more
relaxed than she'd been in a long time. But she was resolutely not thinking
about the relationship she was developing with her former arch nemesis.
On the fourth morning after
the trip to L.A., Buffy awoke early and decided to make herself a decent
breakfast for once: eggs, toast, coffee, the works. She didn't have anywhere
she needed to be for a few hours, Dawn was at school, and Buffy was reveling in
the quiet, empty house when the doorbell rang.
"Oh, for –"
Cursing under her breath, she went down the hallway and opened the door. Willow
stood on the doorstep, looking a little guilty.
"Oh, Willow! Hi!
What's up?"
"Oh, good, I was
afraid you'd be sleeping in and that I was going to wake you," Willow
said, smiling at her friend.
"Nope, not sleeping.
Making breakfast, actually. Wanna join me?" Buffy said, standing back to
let Willow into the house.
"Sure! That'd be
great. I had half a Pop Tart this morning."
"Breakfast of
champions," Buffy joked, heading to the kitchen in front of Willow.
"What brings you here?"
"Well, my 9:30 was
cancelled, and I thought ... well, I just haven't seen you in a few days and,
and I guess I missed you." She smiled. "I know you've been really
busy, doing the training and all, and I think that's really important. I know
how much you want to be back to your old self. But I just decided, screw that,
I'm going to go force myself on Buffy; to hell with her training," she
said, then stopped, looking perplexed. "I didn't mean force myself on you
in a sex way, just –"
Buffy laughed and took
Willow's hand. "I know what you meant. I've been spending so much time
training and patrolling and ... doing other stuff that I've neglected my best
friend. I'm sorry." Buffy pulled Willow into a hug. "I guess it isn't
the first time. One of these days you're going to get fed up with me once and
for all."
Willow pulled out of the
hug and looked at Buffy. "Never. I'll always stand by you."
They hugged again, then
Buffy went back to cooking breakfast while Willow ground coffee beans and
searched through the cabinet for a filter. "So what are you doing with
yourself now that you don't have to go on patrol anymore?" Buffy asked.
"Studying a lot,
actually. As a chemistry major, junior year is a bitch. P-Chem is killing me.
Which reminds me," Willow said, turning to Buffy. "I know it's early
still and things are a little crazy; I mean, you've been back from England for
like, a week, and back from the dead for only about six weeks, but ... have you
thought about coming back to school?"
Buffy busied herself with
putting scrambled eggs and toast on plates. "I have, but ... I'm not sure
if I can afford it, to be honest. I'm using the money from Mom's life insurance
to pay for the house and other basic necessities, and Dad gives us money, but
there really isn't much left over for college."
"How are things going
with your Dad?" They sat down together at the kitchen table and began
digging into breakfast.
"He's still trying to
deal with the story we gave him about me being kidnapped by terrorists and my
death being a snafu at the morgue. The last time I saw him he tried to set me
up with a psychiatrist to deal with my 'possible Patty Hearst issues'. But
other than that, things are OK. I think he's relieved not to be directly
responsible for Dawn anymore."
"Well, have you talked
to him about college? Maybe he's got some money stashed away," Willow
suggested.
Buffy shrugged.
"Maybe. I'm thinking about selling the house, but I'm nervous about
uprooting Dawn from her home. Hell, I'll be honest, I don't particularly want
to be uprooted from my home either, when it gets right down to it. So I'm
actually starting to think about looking for a job, although not having any
ordinary skills is a problem. Funny thing, no listing for vampire slayers in
the want ads."
"Well," Willow
mused, sipping her coffee, "maybe you could join the circus and do feats
of strength. Or … ooh! Maybe you could teach self-defense! That would be cool,
and it totally overlaps with your skill set."
"You know, that's not
a bad idea. The self-defense, not the circus," she clarified.
They ate for a while in
silence, then Willow spoke up. "Did I tell you that Xander asked me to be
his 'best person' at the wedding?"
"No! Congrats, Will!
So he decided to bend the wedding gender roles, huh?"
"Well, I guess when he
realized the best male candidate was Spike, he threw the idea of a best man out
the window. It wouldn't have worked anyway; they plan to get married outside
and in the afternoon, and Anya pointed out that Spike bursting into flames
would distract attention from her dress." Willow laughed at the image that
conjured. "Anyway, I'm excited."
"You should be. You
get to hold the ring, plus you get to arrange the bachelor party with the
strippers."
"Oh, I hadn't thought
of that. Do you think Xander will want strippers?"
Buffy rolled her eyes.
"This is Xander we're talking about."
Willow giggled.
"You're right."
"How are things going
with you and Tara?" Buffy asked, changing the subject.
"OK. She's glad that
I'm not doing much slaying anymore. She worried a lot when I was patrolling
almost every other night, and it made things tense between us." Willow
sighed. "She still doesn't approve of some of the avenues of magic that
I'm investigating. We argue about it sometimes. But I guess that's just the way
relationships are, you know?"
"Yeah, hmm, I do
vaguely recall being in a relationship, and I do seem to remember there was
arguing."
Willow touched Buffy's arm.
"You'll meet someone again, Buffy. I know you will." Willow picked up
her plate and took it to sink. "So how goes the training with Spike? I
figured you would've gotten sick of him and staked him by now."
Willow's segue made Buffy
flinch, and she began entertaining the idea of telling Willow the truth about
her and Spike. A part of her really wanted to. It would be nice to share with
her best friend what was going on in her life, like she used to. But she was
really afraid of Willow's disapproval. Even though she knew Willow liked Spike,
whether that would extend to approval of Buffy sleeping with him was something
else again. She squirmed in her chair. "No, I … I haven't gotten sick of
him." She jumped up from her seat, carried her plate to the sink, and
began washing it a little too vigorously.
"So he's a good
teacher?"
"Yeah. Yeah, he really
is. We, uh, work well together." She flushed and scrubbed the plate
harder.
"Well, good. I know
it's probably been tough for you, getting used to Spike as a full-fledged
Scooby. But after you died –"
"I know. Dawn explained."
Still scrubbing.
"Anyway, I'm glad
you're OK with it, and that you two get along now, and … Buffy? I think that
plate is clean."
Buffy set down the plate,
her hands shaking slightly. She kept her eyes focused on the sink. "I'm
sleeping with him."
"You – huh?"
She turned and forced
herself to look Willow in the eye. "I'm sleeping with Spike."
"Oh! Wow. Oh. OK. I
think I need to sit." Willow went back over to her seat at the table and
Buffy joined her. "When, uh …"
"The night before I
left for England," Buffy said, taking a nervous sip of her lukewarm
coffee. She got up to get the pot and topped off her mug and Willow's. "We
were here after patrolling, just talking, and … well, we kind of ended up
kissing. And, well, that led to … other stuff. Sex, actually."
"Oh." Willow
digested that. "And then when you came back? Oh! At the Bronze! You guys
were dancing all close and stuff, and Xander went to save you cause he thought
Spike was putting the moves on you, which I guess he was, but then I suppose
you were letting him." Willow wound down. "And you guys are still,
uh, you know, boinking?"
Buffy looked down at the
table. "Yeah."
"Wow." She
swallowed some of her coffee. "I guess in retrospect I had noticed you
were spending a lot of time together, but I figured that was just
business."
"It was, at first. But
we talked a lot on patrol, and when we were training. I guess we got sort of
close. But if you want a detailed analysis of what I was thinking, or what I've
been thinking since, I can't really provide it. There hasn't been a lot of
thinking going on. I've just kind of been letting things happen. Which I know
isn't smart," she said, looking at Willow.
"What, are you waiting
for me to shake my finger at you and say, 'Bad Buffy'? I'm not going to do
that. You're a grown up, you can have sex with who you want to." She
thought for a second. "As long as this is what you want," she
added. "Are you happy?"
And Buffy thought about
this for the first time. And smiled. "Yeah, I guess I am."
"Well, then, you go,
girl!" Willow said, smiling. "Wow, Spike must be ecstatic. I'm
surprised he's been able to keep it to himself."
"Actually, I'm
surprised too. But I wasn't really ready to tell anyone, and I guess he
respects that. I'm still not ready to tell anyone else, I don't think. I mean,
you can tell Tara if you want, but I don't think I can deal with Xander's
disapproval just yet."
Willow made a zipping
motion across her lips and smiled. "So, how's Spike in bed?" Then her
eyes widened and she blushed. "No, forget I asked that."
Buffy laughed. "No,
it's OK. He's … God, Willow." It was her turn to blush. "He's pretty
amazing. The sex is, well, it's better than it's been with anyone."
"Really. You know, I
always wanted to ask this about Angel, but things turned so bad so fast with
him that it was never appropriate," Willow said. "Isn't the lack of
body heat, um, disconcerting?"
"A little. But
sometimes it's kinda nice, like the cool side of your pillow."
"I guess I get
that." Willow smirked. "Have you done it in the crypt?"
Buffy groaned, covering her
face with her hands. "Once. When we were patrolling. It was one of those,
'I must have you, here, now' kind of moments."
"What about the
training room?"
"No. Although Anya's
almost caught us kissing a couple of times." Buffy gave Willow a measured
look. "You're really OK with this?"
"I don't know. It's
weird, and a little twisted, and may lead to badness, but … he's clearly making
you happy. You're beaming right now. So I suppose I'm tentatively OK
with it. I reserve the right to stop being OK with it later on if he hurts you
in any way."
"Thanks, Willow."
They hugged.
Willow looked at her watch.
"I better go, I'm supposed to meet some people for a study session soon.
Thanks for breakfast. I really enjoyed our talk. Although I must say I got more
than I bargained for."
"Yeah."
Willow started out of the
kitchen, then turned back. "Buffy," she said, then hesitated.
"Do you love him?"
Buffy fidgeted a little
under Willow's gaze. "I – I care about him a lot…" She trailed off.
"Hmm. Maybe I'm
worrying about the wrong person getting hurt." And with that, she left,
Buffy staring after her.