Title: A Measure of Happiness
Author: Valerie
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc. I own nothing.
Summary: More post-Giftage. This is essentially a B/S romance (with sex, of course), but also will eventually deal with grander themes of good and evil. Maybe.
Rating: R for adult concepts, language and semi-descriptive sex.
Spoilers: Through the end of Season 5
Feedback: Yes please!
Distribution: Sure.
Author's Note: The title of this chapter is taken from the song by the same name by Paula Cole. And don't worry; things will get better!
Chapter 14: Throwing Stones
Buffy avoided everyone the next day. She didn't go to the magic shop, she didn't answer the phone, and in the afternoon she went for a long walk in the woods near the caves outside of Sunnydale. After stopping by home to grab a quick bite to eat and her stakes, she headed out on patrol, purposefully going to one of the smaller, less popular of Sunnydale's several cemeteries that didn't need to be patrolled as often. She trudged through the night that matched her black mood, realizing that the only problem with going to a lesser cemetery was that there was nothing there to kill. And she really needed to kill something.
"You are a hard woman to find." She whipped around to find Spike standing behind her. He threw his half-smoked cigarette on the ground and stepped on it with a black-booted foot, then approached her hesitantly.
She didn't reply. Spike searched her face for some clue as to how to proceed, but got none. "Are you OK?" he asked softly. Buffy shrugged, then turned and started walking. Spike fell into step beside her.
"I'm sorry he found out like that. You may think I wanted it, or that I enjoyed it, but I swear I didn't."
"I know."
"I hate that he's hurt you again. It makes me want to rip his throat out."
"He was right," she said softly.
Spike stepped in front of her to force her to stop walking and look at him. "What do you mean, he was right?"
Buffy raised her voice. "He was right! I have made a mockery of his sacrifices!"
"Buffy, no. That isn't –"
She interrupted him. "The reason he left was so I could meet someone normal, get married, and have a family." Angel's words from two and a half years ago swam through her mind. You deserve more. You deserve something outside of... demons and darkness. You should have someone who can take you into the light. "And what have I done instead? Gotten involved with a soulless vampire."
Spike flinched with pain at her words, trying to keep his anger in check. "Buffy, you think that's what Angel's on about? I don't. There was one more reason he left, am I right? 'Cause you two couldn't be together in every sense of the word. He's just jealous that I can give you something he can't."
"Yeah. We have sex. And yeah, I'm sure he's jealous. But that doesn't make his words any less true," she said coldly.
"Who bloody cares what Angel thinks?" Spike yelled, frustrated. "I don't. And neither should you. He's been out of your life for over two years, Buffy. And," he gasped sarcastically, "he hates the fact that you're involved with me. Well, news flash, he hates me, so that's not much of a surprise."
"This isn't just about Angel," Buffy said, looking at the ground.
"Isn't it? Because it seemed to me that things between us were going pretty well before angst boy came swooping into town yesterday."
"Spike, just because we have great sex doesn't mean –"
"Oh, I see. Because that's all this is to you, right? Fucking. Nothing more. I guess that green poof in L.A. was right on the mark, calling me the Slayer's boy toy."
Buffy's face took on a pained expression at that. "I didn't mean that that's all it is, but …" she trailed off. Then she took a deep breath and steeled herself. "I can't do this anymore. This … thing between us. It has to stop."
It was the moment he had feared since the first time she'd kissed him on her living room couch. The moment when this spell would be broken. The fact that Angel had been the catalyst of it only made him more angry. Forcing his pain down as far as he could, he did the only thing he could think to do. He lashed out at her. "Just like that, right? Now that everybody knows how you've been slumming with Spike, high-and-mighty Buffy turns up her nose and runs back to the Scoobies, dignity partially intact. 'Don't worry, Xander, I was just using him for sex. Fortunately, I have come to my senses, and will sit here with my knees together, waiting to sink my claws into the next beefsteak with a soul of gold to come along.'"
"You bastard –"
"Yes, Buffy, call me names. Maybe if you pretend that you still hate me it will help you sleep at night." With that, he turned and walked away from her.
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Slam! The sound of the front door banging shut made Dawn jump in her seat at the kitchen table. She watched as Buffy stormed into the kitchen, dropping her backpack of stakes onto the counter with a clatter. Buffy reached into one of the cabinets and pulled out a glass, which quickly slipped out of her hand and fell with a crash onto the floor.
"Fuck!" she screamed, then looked guiltily at her sister. "Sorry."
"Yeah, you might spoil my virgin ears," Dawn said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "What's up with you? Did you and Spike have a fight about this Angel thing?"
Buffy looked at Dawn with a horrified expression. "What do you know about that?"
Dawn rolled her eyes again. "Do you think I spent the day in a cave? I was at the magic shop this afternoon after school, and I heard Xander and Anya whispering about it. Then Spike came in around sunset looking for you, and no one knew where you were, and everybody was acting all weird around him, and he was obviously upset and worried that you were avoiding him. Besides, I had already figured out that you two were boinking."
"You what?"
"Buffy, I heard him in your room." When Buffy flushed and looked even more horrified, Dawn clarified. "Not while you were doing it. Ewww. I just mean I heard him talking one time."
"Oh." Buffy got the dustpan and broom and swept up the broken glass.
"So I ask again, did you and Spike have a fight about this Angel thing?" Dawn pressed.
"Dawn, I don't wanna talk about it right now," Buffy said, getting down another glass and going to the refrigerator for the pitcher of lemonade.
"Well I do. I'm worried that you might've hurt Spike's feelings, and if you did, I wanna smack you upside the head."
"It's a little more complicated than that."
"No it isn't. Spike loves you. Angel's been out of the picture for a long time. What's so complicated? Nothing's changed except now people know about you two."
"Look, this wasn't … He isn't exactly the kind of guy you settle into a long term relationship with, all right? He's a vampire. With no soul."
"Oh, here we go again with the soul thing. What is a soul, Buffy? Have you ever sat down and really asked yourself that question? Do you know the answer? Cause if so, call up the heads of all the major religions; I'm sure they'd be interested. Spike is good. He has been for a long time. He does good things. And I don't just mean killing demons because the chip prevents him from killing anything else. I mean things like helping me with my homework. Or telling Tara she looks pretty. Or helping Anya move. Or loving you. That stuff goes way beyond the chip, although the chip may be what allowed it to happen in the first place."
Buffy stared at her little sister stubbornly.
"Buffy, why can't the fact that you wanna be with him and he wants to be with you be enough?"
"Maybe I don't … want to be with him."
"Right, so the fact that since you got back from England, you've been happier than I've seen you in recent memory, that's just, what, a coincidence? Or the fact that you spend like twenty hours a day with him?"
"I don't –"
"Yes you do. You may not believe that you love him, and he may not either, but I think you do." Dawn crossed her arms stubbornly over her chest and glared at her sister.
"Dawn, I know it seems simple and romantic to you. But life isn't like that. Star-crossed lovers end up alone and hurting. And sometimes a vampire is just a monster after all," Buffy said, fleeing the kitchen and up the stairs.
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She couldn't avoid the Magic Box forever, so Buffy headed over there the following afternoon. Xander had just gotten off of work and was reading the newspaper in the back while Anya flitted amongst several customers. Buffy slowly dragged herself over to the war table and slumped into a chair.
"Hey, Buff," he said lightly, glancing at her over the paper.
"Hey." After a beat, she said, "I was in the market for some disapproving glares and maybe a lecture, so I thought I'd head on over."
"A lecture?"
"Yeah, you know, vampires are evil, having sex with them is gross and disturbing, something along those lines." She said, smiling a smile that didn't reach her eyes.
"Is this about Spike, or are you putting out for all the vamps these days?" he joked. When she just glared at him, he softened. "Did he find you last night?"
"Yeah," she said, looking away.
"What happened?"
"I ended it."
"Why?"
She looked at him curiously. "I was expecting something more along the lines of 'Woo-hoo'."
He smiled. "Don't get me wrong, I wasn't thrilled to learn that you and Spike were shagging. I personally think it's … not the best choice you ever made. But if you broke it off just because of what Angel said, well, that's maybe not the best choice either."
"What Angel said just made me think about things for the first time. What was happening with Spike ... didn't involve a whole lot of thinking."
"I suspected not."
"I just remembered that part of the reason that Angel left was so that I could have a normal relationship. Get married, have a family. All that stuff. And those things require a human, last I checked."
"Yeah, I guess they do." He paused as if wondering if he should say what he was thinking. "The thing is, Buffy ... after I got over the initial shock and, ok, a little disgust, I realized that you've been so happy lately. For the first time, you've seemed at peace with everything, at peace with being Buffy and the Slayer. Do you think that some of that is because of him?"
"I don't know. Dawn said the same thing, about me being happy, I mean."
"Are you happy now? Do you feel relieved that it's over?"
Buffy didn't answer his question. "I just can't go through this again, Xander. I can't wake up every morning wondering if today is the day that he turns evil on me. I can't grow old every year while he stays the same. I can't spend the daylight hours sitting alone and waiting for the sun to go down."
"Buffy," Xander sighed heavily. "I don't want to say this, but if there's one thing I've learned from Anya, it's that sometimes being blunt is valuable, even if it's uncomfortable or hurtful." He paused. "The thing is, you're the Slayer. Even though you've gotten a second chance at life, you risk your life every day. You fight in a war. We all learned the hard way that even you, possibly the best Slayer to ever walk the Earth, are mortal. Or would've been, if you hadn't been forced to come back and fight some more. My point is, maybe you shouldn't be thinking so hard about the distant future."
"What are you saying, Xander? I'm gonna die young anyway, so it doesn't matter what I do?"
"No, I'm saying that it matters that much more what you do. Every day is precious. For all of us, but especially for you. You need to figure out what you want and what's best for you and do that. Don't make your choices cause you think Angel or Giles or I won't approve. 'Cause you don't have time for that bullshit. Just ... live your life."
"I can't believe you're advising me to go back to Spike."
"I'm not, exactly. I'm advising you to follow your heart. To be honest, yes, I'm afraid he's bad for you. I'm afraid he'll hurt you. I want you to find someone with a pulse and a more varied wardrobe. But more than that, I want you to be happy."
Buffy leaned over and hugged Xander. "Thanks."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know."
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Buffy walked alone through the darkening park, her hands in her coat pockets. She thought about Angel's horror and disapproval, about Dawn's blunt lobbying on Spike's behalf, about Xander's understanding and advice, about Willow's surprise and eventual happiness for her. And she thought about Spike. How she felt when she was fighting with him. How she felt when she was dancing with him. How she felt when she was in bed with him, or talking with him, or patrolling. He had always seen right through her, had always seemed to know what she was thinking before she knew herself. It had once been a source of annoyance for her, but lately she had found it comforting.
I wasn't fair to him, she thought. She decided to go see him, still unsure what she would say when she got there. The least she could do was apologize for her attitude earlier, and hear him out.
When she got to the crypt, she stood outside for a moment. The thought of seeing him made her heart beat faster. Running a hand through her hair, she pushed hesitantly on the door. "Spike?" she called. No answer. She went in, but it was dark; he wasn't home. She decided to wait for him, so she fumbled around where she knew he kept a lighter. Lighting a candle, she turned to the interior of the crypt. What she saw made her heart skip a beat. His television was against one wall, smashed. None of his other belongings were anywhere to be found.
He was gone.
TBC!