BRING ME THOSE BRIEFS!!!!!!!
Matrix poked his head out from behind a rack in the department store. His midnight eyes darted back and forth, scanning the horizon for anyone that he even remotely recognized. However, even if he did see anyone that he knew, they wouldn't even think for a second that the person they looked at was Matrix. It was questionable whether or not his little AndrAIa would even recognize him or not. Because, for once in his life, Matrix looked like a complete and utter dork. He was wearing the most idiotic outfit, one that was only worn by those airhead sixth-grade skateboarders. He wore a pair of jnco black jeans that were absolutely huge on him and that barely stayed on his body, *with* a belt. On top, he had on (brace yourself), a striped polo shirt with large pink buttons that was MUCH too small for him. In fact, it was so small that it fit like the was a wet shirt does: it appeared to suck to his body and become a sort of second skin. But the finale was what he wore on his face: a huge pair of square shaped glasses with no lenses. His jet black hair was covered up with a backwards yellow baseball cap that had a dingy on it. All in all, Matrix looked like a 6 foot 1 inch tall four year old.
After deciding that it was safe and that it was now or never, Matrix moved quickly and slyly. He stepped out from his sanctuary behind the neckties, and, being ridiculously circumspect, he leapt over to the check-out counter with a perfect ballet move. Right leg stretched out, left leg pushed back, a perfect split formed: our Matrix could have been a dancer! After a couple more leaps and a few pli'ies, he pranced over to the counter to buy *it*. He looked down at it again and returned to reality as his face blushed a crimson red. He was so embarrassed and yet, he had to do this. He was a man.
An old lady with tiny glasses and a really ugly skirt turned around from her work. Matrix noticed that she had been working furiously at a sewing machine, making more and more bits of loose cloth into those beautiful pieces of protection, the things that men treasured. Matrix adored this woman from the moment that he first saw her, for he knew that she was devoted and loyal to her cause, just as Matrix was. In a cheerful, bubbly voice that didn't remind Matrix at all of any other old woman that he had met, she said "Hello, young man! Welcome to Cindy's Wonderful World of Undergarments, better known as The Butt Store. We are the largest retailer of brassiers, briefs, boxers, bikinis, cups, lingerie, nightgowns and basically every other kind of modest clothing that you can think of. Would you like to try our Deal of the Day? Remember that's a free pair of men's bikini bottoms with any purchase of 100 dollars or more!"
Matrix's heart was about to burst with pride. He had never met anyone so devoted to underwear which was his secret passion. He thought about buying something worth 100 dollars just to give her some more business, but he just couldn't. He wasn't as tough or as brave as most people made him out to be, and he just couldn't get up the nerve to exit the building with a huge shopping bag that had a bare butt and "The Butt Store" written on it. Matrix wasn't *that* manly. He scolded himself for this. "I'm terribly sorry but I don't have that kind of money with me. I would just like to buy...these." He said shyly in a very un-Matrix like manner. He paused, then pushed the package across the counter very quickly, all the while looking around to see if there was anyone he knew watching.
"Oh, don't be shy, dearie. Underwear is not something you should be ashamed of. Everyone wears it, after all." She spoke very boldly, and Matrix wished that he could be like this sweet old woman. A person who was not afraid to be herself. Matrix hated acting like someone that he wasn't, but since he kind of did it all the time, he found himself to be a little hypocritical.
"Now, let's see what we've got here. Men's red, oohh, I'll bet that'll just *kill* the ladies, briefs, size XXL." The woman smiled evilly at Matrix and began to blush a little bit. Then, she stood up on her tiptoes, leaned over the counter, and peered down at Matrix's pants (in a specific area). Matrix, although he was quite embarrassed, smiled proudly and stuck his chin high in the air as he patted the front of his pants. There were some good things about being a warrior and a Matrix, and one was the gene he inherited from his father to get a, well, you know, a rather *big* structure, if you know what I mean. (^_~) The old woman blushed again and went back behind the counter, but she still smiled and glanced up at Matrix a couple of times. He was looking bashfully down at the floor as he smiled up at her occassionally. He paid her the appropriate amount and took his shopping bag, which was immediately shoved under his shirt. The woman "tsk-tsked" at him, but she still smiled at him and couldn't seem to be able to take her eyes off of *it*. Matrix at last had to leave, because he thought that he had seen Bob out of the corner of his eye. That would be a nightmare, if *Bob* saw him buying briefs. For the true reason why Matrix was embarrassed by underwear shopping was, in fact, Bob.
You see, Bob carried a keychain with his keys (that makes sense, doesn't it?) that read "Real Men Wear Bikinis." Bob was a man, a REAL man, one that the women always went after, despite the fact that he was planning to get engaged Dot. Bob was Matrix's best friend, and his hero, but sometimes Matrix felt unworthy of a friend like Bob. Matrix had tried to wear bikinis once, and he had tried to forget about the pain, but they had been so...tight. How could anyone stand something like that? Especially Matrix, who wore a size XXL. After a while of pain and suffering (and a couple of blisters in the *worst* possible area), Matrix just decided the hell with it. He now wore briefs, which he found to be comfortable and fairly close to bikinis. Also, Matrix did dress in black on the outside, but on the inside he liked to have a little fun. So, he wore wild colors and patterns, even though he kept a pair of white ones handy in case AndrAIa were to get a little feisty. As he walked out of the store, people stared at that dork who appeared to be pregnant, but he took no notice of them. Elsewhere, someone else was watching him. Watching him, and planning a sinister act of evil.
***************************************************************
"They're red!"
"What size are they again?"
"XXL."
"Damn that's big!"
" I wonder how the water skeeter would react if she saw them."
"She'd die of shock."
"Maybe that's how we should get rid of her: show her his undies! Then he would die of despair!"
"I was being sarcastic, moron."
"Well, it still might work."
"We need some snacks. Hey, Hack! Hook me up with some carrots!"
"*Hook you up* with some carrots? What am I, a carrot dealer?"
Hack, Slash, and two other random dudes were chatting among themselves, commenting on the brand new briefs that they watched Matrix buy. They all got a kick out of the fact that their enemy was wearing red briefs, but they felt themselves growing a little jealous of the size. All guys want an XXL, but the fact of the matter is that most men are either XS or S. Slash was actually a M, which thrilled Hack to death (I always thought there was a little homoerroticism between the two of them), but the rest of them were fairly tiny. Slash was also very proud of his M, and the size that Matrix was an XXL really pissed him off. He thought to himself, 'I'm supposed to be the biggest! I'm the biggest! It's not him, it's me! It's not fair!' Let's face it, some men are just born to privelage, in more ways than one.
Even though Slash was crying on the inside, he didn't let his emotions show up on the outside. He just scowled and turned away mumbling "He probably stuffs them with socks."
Hack looked at his partner with a smirk. "You're just jealous." He was making fun of Slash, but he felt positively awful when Slash turned to him and gave him a puppy dog look. The sad eyes always killed Hack, and he walked over to hug him. The two other dudes looked at each other and groaned.
"I think you are all jealous."
The dudes quickly straightened up at the sound of their mistress' voice. They cleared their throats, pulled the wrinkles out of their uniforms, and ran a quick hand through their hair. One of the dudes (from now on to be known as "Dude A") bowed in front of Hexadecimal, but being the clumsy guy that he was, he slipped and fell, practically kissing her feet. He had always thought that floor in the lair was a little bit *too* shiny, and a little bit *too* clean. He brought his head up quickly, only to look up Hex's skirt. His face turned a bright crimson color when he heard the other three smirking behind him. Hexadecimal looked down at him in anger.
"Whoopsy!" He tried to stand up, only to slip and fall again, onto his back, where the view was undisturbed, if you know what I mean. Dude A smiled and chuckled a nervous laugh, attempting to get out of this situation. However, he was still on his back and still looking *up* at Hex. She looked down at him, and she looked majorly PO-ed. Her bony face seemed to shrink and wrinkle as she narrowed her eyes. Dude A's smile collapsed and his face twisted with an awful fear. He started to moan and cowered away, hugging himself on the ground. When she leaned down to eye level, he covered his head and shut his eyes really tightly, waiting for inevitable. Slash and Dude B just looked away (they had never liked really disgusting gore), but Hack watched with an evil joy in his eyes.
"How dare you!" Hex snarled. Slash began to cry.
"No one looks at me! No man is worthy!" Hex boomed. Dude A was getting pretty close to fainting.
"That's it. You must be punished. Guards, take this man..." The group all held their breaths, and Dude A shook his head, pleading for mercy with his eyes. "To the spanking chamber." Hexadecimal finished. She stood up and stuck her chin high in the air.
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" DudeA let out a bloodcurdling scream. He tried to scramble away, but his arms were caught by the nearby members of the KAF, the Kick Ass Force. The dragged Dude A over to the infamous, tortuous, um, horrendous, uh, terrifying, and, um, well, let's just make a long story short (I know, I know, too late) and say that they dragged him over to a not-very-nice place. Let's just say that Dude A wasn't going to be able to sit (or take a dump) for a week, and leave it at that.
Hexadecimal turned back to her remaining three dudes. "Now, we have work to do."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * ***********************
AndrAIa skipped happily down the street, books in hand. It had been a very good day for her. She got an 85% on a recent biology test, a subject that she had always really sucked at, and her teacher had been taken to the hospital in cardiac arrest (those two events were, indeed related). 'Just wait till Dot hears about this! She'll die of shock!' She thought a little sadistically. Also, AndrAIa couldn't get the pictures of her other friends' faces out of her mind. The Princess had tried to remain calm and tried to compliment her, but she was obviously in a state of mental shock. And Mouse, oh-ho, God! Mouse blew a gasket or two in the brain. Her face froze in a kind of twisted position. Her eyes rolled up a little bit into her skull, her mouth opened, and AndrAIa swore that she saw smoke drifting out of her ears. AndrAIa remembered how she waved her hand in front of Mouse's eyes, but Mouse didn't appear to notice. Her eyelids just twitched a little bit, never fully opening, ut never fully closing. AndrAIa had begun to get a little worried about Mouse, but the Princess had said that she would bring Mouse back to her house. So, AndrAIa watched the two of them stumble back down the street, the Princess holding Mouse's arm to give her support. Then, when they were out of sight, AndrAIa shrugged and smiled, turned around, then skipped down the street. She wanted to see her loverboy, basically because she wanted to see his reaction to her grade.
Meanwhile, Matrix was having the time of his life at his apartment. He pulled out his undies, pulled out his full-length mirror, and started to dance! He did the model thing, you know, where men stand around, flexing their muscles as if they were *big* macho men, standing around in tiny underwear (of course, in Matrix's case, it was *not* tiny underwear) with a sexy look on their faces. Matrix felt just like a Calvin KlAIn model, or better yet, a Tommy Hilfiger model. Yes, the red on his briefs mad him look truly American! Wait a minute, no nationalities in the computer, um, whoops! Uh, onto the next paragraph...
Okay, so he was just prancing around his apartment, minding his own business, when POOF! An evil-doer appeared! Matrix coughed against the thick grey smoke that was now all over his apartment. He would have normally changed into guardian mode about now, but he was too blinded to get his icon from the shelf above his bed. 'Damn, I knew that this stripping stuff would get me into trouble!' He thought. 'Why do these things always happen at the worst possible moment?'
"Hello, Matrix." A loud voice boomed throughout the apartment.
Matrix looked around, still coughing, shielding his eyes from the heat generated by the cloud.
"I was hoping that I'd see you here." Matrix squinted, and began to build up his courage against the thing, whatever it was. The voice, it sounded familiar. Very familiar...
"Who are you?" Matrix demanded.
"I am the evil monkey." The voice answered.
"Uh, okay." Matrix wasn't quite sure what to say to that. He couldn't recall running across an evil monkey throughout his travels.
"Would you care to uh, evaluate on that a little bit?" He asked.
"No."
"Well then, you aren't a very talkative one, are you." Matrix said with a nervous laugh. He had forgotten that he was standing there in his underwear, and he leaned onto one of the walls close by. He began to chew on his fingernails, which was a private habit of his. The monkey, or whatever it was, seemed nice enough.
"I am here to get something from you."
"Oh, and uh, what might that be?"
"You know what I want, Matrix."
"Uh, no?"
"I want a part of you, Matrix. I want your soul, I want your life. I want the very thing that feeds your star seed, or whatever that thing is called. I want you to give a portion of yourself to me, a portion that you have never given anyone else in your entire life, I want..."
"Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, but this is not sounding appropriate for a PG story. If you want me to, I can get them to rate it NC-17, at no extra cost!" Matrix said.
The monkey rolled his eyes. This was going to take a while. Oh well, the villains of the world had always been bombastic, and look what happened to all of them. So, the evil monkey decided to cut his little speech short, and cut straight to the point. "I want your briefs." He said, plain and simple.
Matrix looked down at his underwear, suddenly realizing that he was still wearing the red briefs that he had just bought. He blushed a very heavy red, and his hands shot down to *the area*. He was covering it out of embarrassment, but he was also protecting his babies. No one takes his underwear whenever they want! No, no, these were *his*! They belonged to him! They were a part of him, they were his life. Yes, that was what the evil monkey wanted, but that was a part of himself that Matrix could not give away. Hey, people think that AndrAIa means a lot to him, and she does, but *nothing* comes between a man and his underwear.
"You can't have them!" Matrix screamed. He then took off in the direction of the door, all the while clutching his article of clothing in a protective grasp. He tore the door open, and ran out into the hallway. He started yelling for help, saying to anyone nearby that some evil force was trying to take his baby, or something like that. People opened their doors, and watched as the nearly-naked man ran out into the world. They didn't do anything, but they just wondered two things as they watched. One, what was this baby that this man was shouting about? and two; What *was* that man doing with his hands?
Actually, Matrix didn't get very far. After tearing down five or six flights of stairs, Matrix ran straight into a little person (well, what'dya know?). He immediately knew who it was, but in his physical state (and I do mean physical!) he was afraid of what this person would think. He didn't have his transformation rose, which he deeply regretted. So, he did the only thing he could do: he hid behind the girl, clutching her shoulders from behind. "Don't worry, I'm here water skeeter (AndrAIa's nickname, by the way), I'm here for you, now transform into guardian mode, and show me that feministic stuff!"
"Excuse me?" The girl asked. "What are you talking about?"
She turned around and tried to look at him. Matrix began to blush again. "Uh, I'm terribly sorry, miss, I thought you were someone else." He said nervously.
"Whoa, dude, look at your undies! Are you an escort, or just a dancer?"
Matrix looked at the girl for a minute as if she had three heads. Then, he realized what she was referring to. The idea disgusted him. Imagine, Enzo Matrix (the grown version), a stripper! Who would dream up such a thing?
Matrix quickly took off in the other direction, running down more and more flights of stairs. The girl that he had thought was AndrAIa just watched him for a minute, then also started running. But as Matrix was running down the stairs, the girl went up the stairs trying to get away from him. Two screams could be heard throughout the building. One was yelling about how aliens or monkeys or something like that was trying to steal his soul, and the other voice was yelling something about a runaway stripper.
When Matrix got to the bottom floor, he ran into a little bit of a dillema. Literally, ran. The door to the stairways burst open, and a huffing, puffing, nearly hyperventilating man stumbled out. The room grew oddly still, and all activities ceased as Matrix tried to regain his composure. He noted the glossiness of the lobby, and how life in Mainframe was not supposed to be this quiet. He looked around for a minute, then decided that all of the people must be under some kind of evil spell. 'It's a conspiracy!' He thought.
One movement out of the corner of his eye made Matrix gasp and back away in fear. The door to the lobby of the apartment building began to creak open slowly, agonizingly slowly. Matrix thought to himself 'This is it. I'm trapped.' He shut his eyes tightly as he held onto the memory of how happy he had been. How happy these wondeful pieces of red joy had made him, and how he would probably never feel that happiness again.
"L-l-l-l-Lover?" Matrix's eyes shot open as he realized he knew that voice. "AndrAIa!" he whirled around to face her, and immediately ran towards her. She looked happy to see him at first, but then there was a light, or rather, a lack of light in her eyes that wasn't quite like her. This had Matrix worried, but he had no real proof that she was abnormal, so he just continued running to her. He enveloped her into a tight hig, and *then* he started to get worried. She was as stiff as a board. Her arms did not rise up around him, and her entire body didn't tremble with energy as it always did. "Skeeter? Baby, you alright?" He asked her, hlding her at arms' length from his body. She didn't look at him, but she just continued to stare straight foreward, eyes not quite focused, and not quite looking at anything. Matrix immediately realized that she must be under some kind of evil influence. That was unusual for him: usually it was he who fell under an evil spell. Oh well, no point in knitpicking at details.
"AndrAIa?" He asked again, a little louder. "Andi! What's the matter with you?" He cried.
That woke her up. She blinked, blinked again, then looked up at Matrix's face. He breathed a long sigh of relief and tried to pull her into a hug again, but she immediately resisted. When he gave her a confused look, she ripped herself from Matrix's grasp and turned her back on him. Her hand raised up to her mouth, and her other arm began to tremble at her side. Tears entered her eyes, and they soon fell. "Oh, Matrix. Poor Matrix...what have they done to you?"
"What?" He was startled at that. What had they done to him? What was that supposed to mean? "What do you mean, Andi?" He walked towards her again, and this time she let him put his hands on her shoulders.
"Hold it right there." Matrix's face immediately twisted with anger as he grabbed AndrAIa and shoved her behind him, shielding her with his body. AndrAIa looked curiously at the figure that had said that. He looked like...well, he didn't look like anything that she would want to see.
"Relax, buddy boy. I'm not going to hurt you. Just give me what I want and I'll be on my way."
"Never." Matrix growled. "I'll die before I let you have them." AndrAIa immediately interpreted this as being this...thing, was after her, and probably the rest of their friends. She admired Matrix for wanting to protect her, but this was her fight. She couldn't hide behind him. She pulled out her icon and shouted her transformation words.
MAINFRAME! CRYSTALLIZED GINGER! DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR! REBOOT!
In a flash of light and a flash of...something else, Sailor Mainframe was standing in the place where AndrAIa had one been, for AndrAIa had been experimenting with the kinds of things she could make herself by rebooting, and she had always wanted to wear one of those sailor outfits. Matrix was *very* happy to see her, and he only wished that he had his transformation icon. He knew he could be sexier than that damn Tuxedo Mask loser.
"Protector of innocents, a pretty soldier in a sailor suit, Sailor Mainframe! For attempting to hurt those with pure hearts and a really bad taste in clothing I will not forgive you!" Matrix blushed at this, only slightly, though, for he had once again forgotten what he was wearing (what an idiot). He thought that she was referring to his tuxedo outfit and black clothes that he had tried to wear when he became Tuxedo Mascarpone (his alias for his transformation).
"I'm glad you decided to show up, Sailor Brat. My leader..." Sailor Mainframe interrupted him. "Don't call me Sailor Brat, you loser! I'm not a Sailor Senshi, I'm not from Japan, I'm manufactured in Taiwan, and you guys are so unoriginal!. Really, can't you guys think of anything new when you come to a different show?"
The evil monkey tried to regain his composure. He cleared his throat. "As I was saying...before I was so rudely interruted..."
"Sorry." Sailor Mainframe chimed in.
"That's perfectly alright...my leader wanted to speak with you. She told me that you would be showing up."
"Really? And who is she?"
"Oh, an old friend of yours. You may remember her as oh, Hexadecimal."
"HEXADECIMAL? I thought she was on our side. And her evil side died a long time ago, nearly four series' ago!"
"Well, she wanted a piece of something that she was denied in series one, so she came back from the world of the dead to retrieve it."
"What does she want? If it is Matrix, and she wants a piece of him, she can't have his...you know. I refuse to let her take that!" Matrix blushed again.
"No, you twit, she doesn't want that. But she wants something to do with that."
"Hold on a minute, I thought this was a PG story. She can't have that, it's not allowed! I can get them to change the rating if you want..."
"NO! Just, okay, she wants, those!" Sailor Mainframe looked over at what the evil monkey was pointing at. She immediately drew in a breath of air as she realized it was Matrix's briefs that Hex wanted. So, that means that...
"Matrix?" He looked up at her with embarrassment in his eyes. "She wants-those?'
"Yeah, I guess." He said, looking now down at his shoes. "They are kinda spiffy."
"Spiffy? Oh my God, so it is true? Those are yours?" Matrix rasied his gaze to her face, this time with a pleading look. "Andi, please forgive me! I...I know that you must hate me for this. It's just that, well, sometimes people do things in private that they don't want anyone else to know about..." He stopped short when he realized that Sailor Mainframe looked like she was going to throw up. She turned her head to look at the evil monkey, who was smirking in delight. She narrowed her eyes at him, and he immediately filled with terror.
Before he even had time to protest, Sailor Mainframe had ripped the crystallized ginger from her chest and raised it above her head, releasing its white hot light and energy.
"No, Andi! Please, onegai, por favor, s'il vous plait, however you want me to say please, don't do this! It is not worth it!" Matrix screamed at her.
"No Matrix. I must protect your briefs. Such is the duty of a guardian. To protect her loved ones, and to protect what her loved ones love. Wow, that was a really bad sentence!"
"No, Andi, you don't have to!"
AndrAIa ignored him and concentrated on her power. Her mouth opened, and a sound could be heard throughout the hills of Mainframe. "MAINFRAME, CRYSTALLIZED GINGER..."
At that very moment, Hexadecimal showed up with all the dudes (convenient, isn't it?), and they were about to ask the evil monkey how the mission was going when they noticed Sailor Mainframe holding the crystal high above her head and in mid-sentence. They all glared at her (a lot of good that'll do them), and then screamed as they were dusted for the last time by her crystallized ginger. As they dissappeared, everyone could hear AndrAIa say, "Dried fruit is the word! More power for your calories!"
Sailor Mainframe collapsed, and fell into Matrix's awaiting arms. "Andi? ANDI!" Matrix was screaming frantically. AndrAIa wouldn't wake up, and he'd been here for nearly ten milliseconds. "AndrAIa, wake up, please, I need you! I won't survive without you!"
Matrix began to cry as he pulled his love closer to his body, cradling her in his arms.
"I'm a-a-aliright, Matrix."
"AndrAIa! Oh God, after fifteen milliseconds, you've finally woken up!"
AndrAIa looked up at him with a loving look in her eyes, a look that she had given him once before. She was exhausted, but she had to say one thing.
"As I said before, I told you, that I would protect your briefs."
She smiled at him. He smiled back. And the two embraced as they both thought about adventures, wonderful fanfictions, and Diner Discussions to come.
Thank you for reading everyone! My first attempt at comedy, this is a major event! Well, c'ya later. And review, damn it! whoa, I did not just say that...^_^
by the way, if anyone thinks that I plagiarized this from a Sailor Moon fanfiction written by an author called Jupiter the Lovely, I didn't plagiarize. We're the same person, and I just changed this around a little bit because I thought it would fit Reboot really well.