Perfect Again by PNS
\\Let me miss you
Let me dream
Let me up on Angel Wing
Let me laugh
Let me cry
Let me bleed until I die
Let me sing
Let me run
Let me dance upon the sun
Let me fly
Let me fall
Let me learn how to crawl
Let me love you
Let me go
Let me know all should know
Let me fight
Let me lose
Leave destiny to choose//
(Poem by PNS)
Angel's eyelids were heavy. He struggled with all his might to stay awake. On the other hand his eyes flew open every 2 seconds as the information sunk in. It was like a physical pain all over. It reverberated through his entire body. Cordelia's hand was leaden on his shoulder.
Willow's words echoed in his head. "She sacrificed herself to save the world. She was the best person to ever live. I truly believe it." He believed it too. Didn't make the grief or guilt lessen. Yes he felt guilty. He should have done something. Should have asked if everything was alright. Should have been in the right dimension. Deep down he knew there was nothing he could do but it hurt all the same.
His tears had cut rivulets int he dirt on his face. Cordelia looked at him. His distress was mimicked in her features. "Angel, you need to sleep."
"I can't."
"You're exhausted. You can't sit here all night. There's nothing you can do."
"I can sit here. Because I can't do anything else. Deep down my reason to keep going, to keep fighting was to someday be able to love her as a human. I will never have that."
"You couldn't have known. You can't neglect your own destiny Angel just because it doesn't travel the same path as Buffy's." None of her usual cutting insight. It was gentle and truthful.
"There are so many more people to help Angel. This is just a small thing."
"Shut up Wesley." Cordelia's eyes flashed with anger. "How could you be so cruel? He has feelings too. He has a heart. And it's broken. Of course you wouldn't understand that you cold hearted British twit." He was going to respond but didn't. He left the lobby. The silent Host looked very awkward. He hadn't said a word. Cordelia stood up and walked over to him.
"You should probably go. Maybe we'll come by another day. He could use your advice then. But not now." The Host looked at Angel empathetically and left. No vivacious comments there either.
"Please go to bed Angel?"
"I have to go to Sunnydale."
"Not now. You'll crash. You need some sleep." She pulled him up and pushed him towards the stairs. He shuffled robotically. She sat him on his bed. He stared at the floor. Like working with a child or a patient in the hospital she took off his shoes, not even saying anything about the smell then began to help him with his shirt.
"Hey." He protested slightly.
"I'm just making you comfortable." She leaned him back, pressing on his large shoulders until he stayed. "It will be better in the morning...I promise."
"It has too. Nothing can be worse than what I'm feeling right now." He wavered. He hadn't meant to look so vulnerable to her but he couldn't help it. Having spent so much time together over the past 2 years she understood. He closed his eyes. Images swirled, they didn't come into focus until he was asleep.
They started with the first time he saw Buffy. She was sitting on the steps at school. He had come so far since that day. They both had. They picked up speed. All caused emotion in him. He wanted to scream when he saw Angelus. The images slowed.
There was Buffy. She was wearing a pink dress, her hair was held back loosely, in a twist. He couldn't have noticed anyone else if he wanted too. She took his 'breath' away. The song wasn't the same as the one they had danced too. This one had no words. But he knew the music like he knew himself. Every note held a meaning solely for the 2 of them. She held her hand out and he took it.
"I've missed you Angel. "He could feel her against him. A perfect connection.
"Oh god. Buffy."
"Shh." She led him across the dance floor. They were floating. Everyone else revolved around them. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I only did what I had to do."
"No. I mean yes. I miss you so much. It hurts." He wiped a tear away. "We were never meant to be? I was so sure that someday..."
"There's a someday waiting for us Angel. Our paths have just detoured for awhile." She smiled knowingly. "Nothing could keep me from you." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. He felt the heat stretch through him. It calmed him and cradled him like sunshine. She was his sun, and earth, and sky, and water and blood. The life force from which he survived. "You've miles to go before you sleep."
"But you?"
"I have plenty to do. It won't be long. Trust me."
"Heart and soul."
"You still my boy?"
"Always." Her head rested on his shoulder for beat. He twirled her, laughing and smiling, so happy for the moment. Then it faded.
"I love you." Her voice was soft, like bells in the wind. Angel awoke. He sat up for a minute. He felt her last moments. He sw them in his mind. The certainty and faith.
It hurt less. She was ok. She wasn't gone for good. That was all he needed to know. He smiled to himself and looked at the claddagh ring that graced his finger.
\\Let me miss you
Let me dream
Let me up on Angel Wing
Let me laugh
Let me cry
Let me bleed until I die
Let me sing
Let me run
Let me dance upon the sun
Let me fly
Let me fall
Let me learn how to crawl
Let me love you
Let me go
Let me know all should know
Let me fight
Let me lose
Leave destiny to choose//
(Poem by PNS)
Angel's eyelids were heavy. He struggled with all his might to stay awake. On the other hand his eyes flew open every 2 seconds as the information sunk in. It was like a physical pain all over. It reverberated through his entire body. Cordelia's hand was leaden on his shoulder.
Willow's words echoed in his head. "She sacrificed herself to save the world. She was the best person to ever live. I truly believe it." He believed it too. Didn't make the grief or guilt lessen. Yes he felt guilty. He should have done something. Should have asked if everything was alright. Should have been in the right dimension. Deep down he knew there was nothing he could do but it hurt all the same.
His tears had cut rivulets int he dirt on his face. Cordelia looked at him. His distress was mimicked in her features. "Angel, you need to sleep."
"I can't."
"You're exhausted. You can't sit here all night. There's nothing you can do."
"I can sit here. Because I can't do anything else. Deep down my reason to keep going, to keep fighting was to someday be able to love her as a human. I will never have that."
"You couldn't have known. You can't neglect your own destiny Angel just because it doesn't travel the same path as Buffy's." None of her usual cutting insight. It was gentle and truthful.
"There are so many more people to help Angel. This is just a small thing."
"Shut up Wesley." Cordelia's eyes flashed with anger. "How could you be so cruel? He has feelings too. He has a heart. And it's broken. Of course you wouldn't understand that you cold hearted British twit." He was going to respond but didn't. He left the lobby. The silent Host looked very awkward. He hadn't said a word. Cordelia stood up and walked over to him.
"You should probably go. Maybe we'll come by another day. He could use your advice then. But not now." The Host looked at Angel empathetically and left. No vivacious comments there either.
"Please go to bed Angel?"
"I have to go to Sunnydale."
"Not now. You'll crash. You need some sleep." She pulled him up and pushed him towards the stairs. He shuffled robotically. She sat him on his bed. He stared at the floor. Like working with a child or a patient in the hospital she took off his shoes, not even saying anything about the smell then began to help him with his shirt.
"Hey." He protested slightly.
"I'm just making you comfortable." She leaned him back, pressing on his large shoulders until he stayed. "It will be better in the morning...I promise."
"It has too. Nothing can be worse than what I'm feeling right now." He wavered. He hadn't meant to look so vulnerable to her but he couldn't help it. Having spent so much time together over the past 2 years she understood. He closed his eyes. Images swirled, they didn't come into focus until he was asleep.
They started with the first time he saw Buffy. She was sitting on the steps at school. He had come so far since that day. They both had. They picked up speed. All caused emotion in him. He wanted to scream when he saw Angelus. The images slowed.
There was Buffy. She was wearing a pink dress, her hair was held back loosely, in a twist. He couldn't have noticed anyone else if he wanted too. She took his 'breath' away. The song wasn't the same as the one they had danced too. This one had no words. But he knew the music like he knew himself. Every note held a meaning solely for the 2 of them. She held her hand out and he took it.
"I've missed you Angel. "He could feel her against him. A perfect connection.
"Oh god. Buffy."
"Shh." She led him across the dance floor. They were floating. Everyone else revolved around them. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I only did what I had to do."
"No. I mean yes. I miss you so much. It hurts." He wiped a tear away. "We were never meant to be? I was so sure that someday..."
"There's a someday waiting for us Angel. Our paths have just detoured for awhile." She smiled knowingly. "Nothing could keep me from you." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him. He felt the heat stretch through him. It calmed him and cradled him like sunshine. She was his sun, and earth, and sky, and water and blood. The life force from which he survived. "You've miles to go before you sleep."
"But you?"
"I have plenty to do. It won't be long. Trust me."
"Heart and soul."
"You still my boy?"
"Always." Her head rested on his shoulder for beat. He twirled her, laughing and smiling, so happy for the moment. Then it faded.
"I love you." Her voice was soft, like bells in the wind. Angel awoke. He sat up for a minute. He felt her last moments. He sw them in his mind. The certainty and faith.
It hurt less. She was ok. She wasn't gone for good. That was all he needed to know. He smiled to himself and looked at the claddagh ring that graced his finger.