Title: When the Madness Stops
Author: Phoebe_Otaku
Disclaimer: Not mine. Gundam wing belongs to
various people and/or agencies (see one of Alexa_otaku's disclaimers
if you must see the whole list), the song Break Me belongs to Savage
Garden.
Authors notes: This fic falls into the
"not-a-lemon" category just in case anyone was wondering.
"where was this hiding, phoebe?" well, i
don't know. It was another one of those random inspiration things...
road trip to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, William and Mary, and a
Savage Garden cd.
***
~I never thought I'd change my opinion
again.~
There she stood. The woman who'd stabbed me.
It was odd that I didn't feel any fear; at least that was what
everyone thought. But I had never truly been afraid of her. Perhaps
it was because I had ceased to fear Death so long before.
What fascinated me was the way her image and
that of Death had melded in my mind over the years. It wasn't that
I'd ever truly wanted to die, but I seemed to court Death. Like a
lover. I seemed to be surrounded by Her, enveloped in Her soft
shroud. She followed me, from the beginning of my life. My mother
died, because of me. I didn't know how many other people I had
killed. Didn't know the volume of the blood on my hands. I try not to
think about it. Perhaps I don't deserve to be alive, but Death has
cheated me. I want to live, to be alive, to protect those I love.
That was not something I could do, though I tried. I nearly killed my
best friend, then brought him back into the shroud of death with me.
I couldn't save my father, who died for his beliefs. My mother. All
those I had killed...
She danced through my mind with their faces,
a symbol, a goddess. I watched her float through the guests at the
party. We are forever doomed to meet at parties, grand balls, social
events. Death and her servant. On every stage, we would meet where
everyone spoke but never said anything. I watched her. She was so
alive, and I could feel the straining of the pattern of my thoughts
throught the years. She wasn't Death, there was a fire in her that
was very alive. She had always had it.
~But you move me in a way that I've never
known.
You moved me in a way that I've never
known.~
She had been with me so long, my death
maiden. But she was feirce, alive. She was war. All the passion and
life of it, all the hope and pain, evil and good. It was almost a
physical change when I realized I had been wrong. I remembered her as
a child.
We had met a few times, before her laughter
stopped, before her heart went cold. Before war consumed her. It's
fire seeking a soul like hers, and accepting souls like mine. I am
not a pacifist, and to my father's eternal dissapointment, I never
could be. I was a soldier, willing to live, to fight for what I
believed. I would fight so that others wouldn't have to, so that they
could live the precious dream I had of peace. I loved peace, but that
was not the world in which I lived. I wanted it, not for myself, for
others. I would live in peace, avoiding conflict, but I would fight
to preserve it, not watch it being taken away. I loved too easily,
too broadly. I felt the pain of others in my heart. I even felt her
pain.
~But straight away you just moved into
position again.~
"Mr. Winner," she acknowledged as I stepped
toward her, the crowd of her admirers forming a loose ring around us.
Her eyes hardened further, if that was possible. Perhaps it was a
play of the light on her beautiful face. The air chilled, and I
waited to see the breath of guests rising in clouds of steam. My
presence froze the room.
"Miss Catalonia," her arm extended
automatically in greeting. "It is a pleasure to see you again," I
answered, warmly enough to melt the silence in the room, as I bent
over her hand and kissed it. The softness of her skin, as contrary to
her demeanor as was possible, lingered on my lips after I stood. My
attraction to her was not new, but more pronouced at this moment. I
knew my face never hid my thoughts, I was too expressive; another
flaw in my character. She saw it. No doubt she had seen it before, on
other young and powerful men, though none as powerful as Quatre
Winner, the one she had tried to kill.
~You abused me in a way that I've never
known.
You abused me in a way that I've never
known.~
I had seen her smile that way before, and
unlike those fools, I knew what it meant. The seductive twist of her
mouth. She had the power to hypnotize with that smile. I had seen it
happen, and I knew that she would do it to me as well. She spoke, and
I knew I answered, but it didn't really matter what we said. I heard
the huskiness of her voice, she heard the desire in mine. Maybe she
thought it was fun. She had to know I was innocent. Maybe it was the
innocence she wanted. Maybe it was power, more power over me than she
already had. I looked into her eyes. She was a wonderful actress, but
I had never seen her eyes change before, from that hardness. She
would seduce them all with those cold eyes. I wondered if they ever
noticed while entranced by her wonderful performance. Her eyes looked
softer, like a woman without the events of the past to haunt her.
Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to know. To have someone as helpless as
I in her net. The others, they had women, and plenty of them. Used to
the informality of an encounter with a woman like her. I didn't think
casual was in my nature. Maybe that's what she wanted to know. To
find a flaw in me, something she could condemn. I didn't think she
would. She wanted to find out what went on inside my head, and she
probably didn't want to belive that a man could wear his intetions
painted so clearly on his face. And that those intentions be so
honorable all the time. I didn't know if she wanted me for who I was.
I knew that she would use me, and I couldn't say that I cared.
~So break me, shake me, hate me, take me
over.
When the madness stops, then you will be
alone,
So just break me, shake me, hate me, take
me over.
When the madness stops, then you will be
alone.~
I couldn't remember how I had gotten home,
how we had reached my room. I had been dreaming, a limo ride,
entering the house, Dorothy. I leaned down to kiss her again. Our
clothes strewn on the floor next to my bed, her hair tousled,
beautiful. There was nothing else in the world.
I knew I was setting myself up for pain; I
even wanted it. To be with her... I loved her. I wondered if that was
plain on my face as well. Her skin was so soft. I felt her lips on my
neck, bringing me back from my distraction. Her eyes were still soft.
I moved against her, hurtling us both toward a climax.
I wonder if she felt what I did that night. I
had never made love like that before. I wasn't inexperienced, but I
suppose I was still naive. She knew that. Maybe she had never made
love like that either, and I saw the fear in her eyes. They didn't
regain their hardness, she couldn't keep her distance. It gave me a
simple and perverse pleasure to break through her guard. After all,
she had done the same to me.
~So you're the kind that deals with the
games in the mind.~
I woke up alone the next morning. It wasn't
that I had expected her to stay, except maybe because she had to know
that staying would have further established her hold over me. I
leaned back and smiled. I remembered her kisses the night before as
though they were still happening. The feel of her hand moving over
the old scar, and then a look infused with meaning. It seemed I had
found a way to reach her, a way to see her weakness. And that was
enough for now. Of course, I hoped for more, eventually. I wouldn't
expect a night with me to change the set pattern of her life. But
perhaps I had begun somthing. I wondered what she would do to use her
newly gained servant.
~Well, you confuse me in a way that I've
never known.
You confuse me in a way that I've never
known.~
I didn't see her again for months. She seemed
to have disappeared from my life, from earth. I didn't actively look
for her. Something told me she would be back, with a better arsenal
and more armor. A goddess of war. I smiled at the thought and looked
forward to the coming battle. But still at every party I would wait
to see her, for her to appear, vengefully parting the clouds with
lightning and thunder. My incredibly poetic nature thrived on the
metaphorical.
Sometimes my sisters would ask me what I
thought of when I stared into space, and I would answer them in the
riddles that ran through my head. Perhaps they thought I was losing
my mind, which was not far from the truth. And perhaps they thought I
was in love, which was true. My sisters bothered me about my love
life, which they deemed nonexsitent. Explaining that I needed someone
to inherit the coorperation, as if I didn't know. But I almost didn't
care. I didn't think that Dorothy Catalonia would ever marry. To do
that she would have to give up her past, her pain, and her
facade.
~So break me, shake me, hate me, take me
over.
When the madness stops, then you will be
alone,
So just break me, shake me, hate me, take
me over.
When the madness stops, then you will be
alone.~
The first sign of her return was the rose i
found on my desk that morning. Then the Winner Coorperation board
meeting. When I did not object to her presence, none of the others
did. I don't think I heard a word during that meeting. Profits,
debts, all of it was secondary in my thoughts. She consumed me, and
she knew it. The meeting ended, everyone left. Then we were in her
room, alone. Evening turned into night, night into morning. I don't
think either of us noticed, I know we didn't sleep.
~She says, "I can help you, but what do
you say?"~
I confided in her, during those few days. Perhaps my sisters thought that I was being held for ransom. I
should have called them, but I didn't care. I wanted to be in this
haven with her for alittle longer, before the magic faded. I gave
her something of my self, my hopes, worries. It all seemed trivial,
but her eyes were still soft. I told her that she had been a death
maiden in my thoughts, how she had changed into a goddess of war. She laughed, throaty, lustfully. She liked the image. Gripping my
shoulders and pushing me onto my back, she proved herself worthy of
it. Afterward we lay, tangled in each others arms, panting.
~But it's not free baby, you'll have to
pay.~
"I love you, Dorothy." I said it, even though
I knew it was the wrong thing to say. It wasn't what she wanted. She
wanted the freedom she had. There were no other words that could
have ended the magic faster, but I had to say them. She looked at
me, surprise playing across her features. She knew I meant it, she
knew me so completely. No one had ever said that to her before, I
could see it in her eyes. It was admitting that I was hers, to have,
to hold, to use as she saw fit. I had stopped caring what she did, i
loved her in spite of it, or perhaps because of it. I would sacrifice
anything for her. I didn't need to say these things out loud. She
already saw them. Her eyes locked on mine, pain and happiness mingled
in their violet depths. She kissed me, and then we made love long
into the night. There were tears in her eyes, she thought the
darkness hid them. She hated showing any weakness, I loved her more
for that. I showed weakness too often, but I was stronger than I
looked. I could love as I did, fully and unconditionally, and I could
survive the pain that it brought to me. She buried her face against
my chest, my arms sliding around her. I closed my eyes, savoring the
feel of her, my breath slow and even. She thought I was asleep, I
never should have heard her murmur the words.
"I love you too, Quatre." I tried not to move
but my arms tightened around her. I kept my eyes closed and didn't
answer her, and let her think that I was asleep.
~You just keep me contemplating, that your
soul is slowly fading.~
I woke up alone. I knew it had to end, but I
still hoped that she would stay. I had changed her, loosed somthing
inside of her, it had been to much. So she left, to build herself up
again. Maybe her armor was too thick, maybe her heart was stone. I
love her, and that's all that mattered. I knew she would haunt me,
my dreams. I left the small apartment that had been our haven, a safe
place.
~God, don't you know I live with a ton
regret?~
I wondered what I could have done to keep
her. This time I didn't know if she would come back. I had reached
too deep, too fast, and it had caused her pain. I hated that, but
what else could I have done? That was who I was.
~'Cause I used to move you in a way that
you've never known.~
It was more than a year before she came back.
I had moved through life without passion. She was my fire, and I had
lost her. She stood before me, my mouth dry. I didn't have any words,
not even the gentlemanly greeting that was so automatic. She looked
different. Softer, even more beautiful. She stepped forward and threw
her arms around me. I lifted her and spun her around before looking
down into her eyes. The happiness and pain still mingled there, but
there was a lightness in it.
~But then I accused you in a way that
you've never known.~
"You told me I was your death maiden, and a
goddess of war," she said tangling her fingers in my hair. There was
a wry grin on her face, so different from the sly one she always
wore. "You told me you loved me," and her smile deepened in a way I
couldn't understand, but she looked happier. "You once called me
kind, and I didn't understand, I still don't."
~But you hurt me in a way that I've never
known.~
The images danced through my head once more.
Her beautiful form, fencing with all the passion in her being. The
pain of the foil as it slid into my flesh. The burning pain I felt as
we left her crying on Libra. The way she looked asleep, the pain I
felt when she had left me alone.
~So break me, shake me, hate me, take me
over.
When the madness stops, then you will be
alone,
So just break me, shake me, hate me, take
me over.
When the madness stops, then you will be
alone.~
I wanted it, the pain, the happiness, the
life that was her. I wanted war, with my passionate goddess. I would
accept it, for her. I needed it. I was a soldier, a servant of death
and war, and I needed the life she held for me. The meaning that my
life suddenly held when she was there. Whatever pain she gave me, it
would be much sweeter than life without her. That was the kindness I
needed from her.
~Listen baby.
You'll be, you'll be alone.~
"Stay," I said. It was a simple word, but it
wasn't just that, it was my life. I didn't want to be without her,
and I didn't want her to be alone. The changes that had happened in
her, the happiness in her eyes; I had given that to her. That was my
happiness, my meaning, nothing, no amount of pain, could take that
away from me.
~Break me, shake me, hate me, take me,
make me.
Fake me, break me, shake me, hate me, take
me.
Break me.~
El fin.
