Rumpelstilksken
(Duk-Tak: Is that how you spell it?
Tigi: I don't know!
**runs and checks her story book**
Rumpelstiltskin
Cast:
We're just, uh, kind of making it up as we go along… (As well, I'm having nasty, mean little Marisa TYPING it, so she doesn't really matter…
**string of profanities under Typist's breath**
GET OFF MY DAMNED KEYBOARD! I'M TYPING!
Okay, okay… Anyway, I'LL mention the copyrights as we go along.
~confusion~
Scene:
**In the forest, in a mill. The father is bragging (Scean © Marisa H) about his daughter (Hell if we know why)**
Scean: I have the most beautiful in the land! Not to mention talented!
Marisa (© (guess who!) Marisa H): Well, how come you're a drow, and yet, you're daughter is pale?
Scean (traumatized): Uh…
Aurora (© Jessica F): Don't get him confused. Believe me, when we got married, he forgot the way down the aisle.
Scean (flustered): Anyone could make that mistake! ANYWAY, our daughter-
Aurora: So now it's OUR daughter? I thought she was yours!
Scean (ignores her): She can spin straw into GOLD!
Aurora: She can?
Marisa: Really?
Scean: I think so.
**Vega (© Jessica F) suddenly bursts into the scene**
Vega: Father! Are you bragging about me again?
Marisa: Nothing much to brag about…
Vega: You wanna go?
Aurora: Spin! Spin that straw like you've never spun before!
Vega: Huh?
Marisa (tackles Vega): Hah!
**fistfight**
Scean: HEY! Not my daughter AND my sister! What, do I live in a world of violent females? **grabs a stick and prods them apart** Honestly.
Marisa: Can you spin straw into gold?
**Suddenly, the KING rides up on his really nice horse (The typist here is horse ignorant ~happy smile~) That is white. The king, Lord, er, I mean King Jarlaxle (RA Salvatore's work, and his copyright him, doncha know) looks intrested.**
Jarlaxle: Spin straw into gold?
Aurora: Greedy bastard.
Jarlaxle: Thank you.
**Scean sniggers**
Jarlaxle: What am I doing riding, anyway? For Pity's sake, I only learned to ride when I was with Entreri in that damnable book!
Marisa: Jwah?
Jarlaxle: Never mind.
Vega: Why are you here?
Scean: Em, you shouldn't go around talking to a King like that…
Vega: I'll talk however the hell I want.
Jarlaxle: Whoah! Hold on a second. I'm king?
Marisa: Yeah.
Jarlaxle (points to an innocent bystander who we shall call, Bob, yes, Bob! His name is Bob, oh very fine name indeed…
*
Jarlaxle: Get on with it!
Duk-Tak and Tigi: Shut up.
*
Jarlaxle( So, anyway, this peasant BOB is wearing a raggedy old tunic and-
*
Jarlaxle: Em…
Duk-Tak: **not listening**
*
Jarlaxle (And he was leaning against a tree and…
*
Jarlaxle: SHUT UP!
Duk-Tak (meek voice): He's owned by Jessica F.
Tigi: EXCUSE ME! This is MY story! Therefore, no more 'Jarlaxle and Duk-Tak'! ME!
Tigi: ME!
Tigi: ME!
Tigi: ME!
Tigi: ME!
Tigi: ME!
Tigi: ME!
Tigi: ME!
Vega: WE GET IT!
(Back to Bob)
*
Jarlaxle (points to Bob): You there! Run around in circles, then hit the tree!
Bob: Yessir. **does as he's told and knocks himself out**
Jarlaxle (giggles): Now where were we?
Marisa: I believe you were leaving to capture some poor female.
Jarlaxle: Oh. Yes. Right **starts to leave** HEY! No I wasn't!
Scean: See how easily the King fell for the 'excuse'. I bet he was actually going to do that…
**Comical laughter (except from Jarlaxle and Bob)**
Jarlaxle: Shut up. Listen, girl-
Vega: Woman.
Jarlaxle: What?
Vega: I'm a woman, you idiot.
Jarlaxle: Jah. Whatever. Someone is only a woman when they sleep with- **sees Vega's evil eye** Not that I'm suggesting ANYTHING! But can you spin straw into gold?
Scean: Why ask her?
Jarlaxle: She's the talented one, you idiot!
Scean: Ah, but I'm the lying father.
Jarlaxle: Quite. So can she?
Scean: Jah.
Jarlaxle: Neato.
Vega: WHAT?
Jarlaxle (looks regal (for once)): Vega, you shall come with me to my kingdom-
Vega: Palace. I'm already in the friggin' kingdom.
Jarlaxle: Whatever. Palace, okay? Anyway, so come on, then spin some frikkin' straw into gold, so I can be rich. Jah.
Vega: This isn't fair.
Jarlaxle: Life's never fair, hon.
Vega: Don't call me that. Yeah, okay! I'll come.
**At the bloody Palace. Vega stands before three thrones. With the King (Jarlaxle), The Queen (Malice-
*
Jarlaxle: Hold on! What am I doing, sleeping with my best friend's matron?
Malice: Why am I alive?
Dinin: I was dead too.
Tigi: get out of here! You're not in the plot yet!
Dinin: Righto. **disappears**
Duk-Tak: We had no one else. Duh.
Jarlaxle: You could've stuck me with some pretty.
Malice: HEY! I'll kill you for that!
Jarlaxle: You're the dead one.
Tigi: Both of you, just SHUT UP! (Malice Do'Urden © RA Salvatore)
*
**And their Prince (human? The rulers being frikkin' dark elves…) Dorian (© Jessica F)**
Malice: Kneel.
Vega: No.
Malice: Okay.
Jarlaxle: Ah. Women chatter. Reminds me why I cried when I found out I had a son. Gods, if we had a daughter, I would've-
Dorian: I love you too, dad.
Jarlaxle (winces): Eesh.
Malice: HEY! I'm the mother, here!
Dorian: Right, mo-
Malice (firmly): Hush.
Vega: Anyway… em… yesh?
Malice: Yeah.
**women gossip**
Jarlaxle: I thought I would live a SILENT life, but now there's another female in the house…
Dorian: Wow. You were wrong. How odd.
Jarlaxle (annoyed): Yes.
Vega: So WHAT do I do?
Jarlaxle: You spin straw into gold. Simple as that.
Vega: yeah. Sure. Simple.
Jarlaxle: Two bales! And they better be spun by tomorrow morning, or the penalty, is DEATH.
Vega (threateningly): What did you say?
Jarlaxle (meek): Nothing.
**Malice laughs**
Dorian: Women always hold out in the end. **sad sigh**
Jarlaxle (regains dignity): Now go!
**Vega 'go'**
Scene:
**In the dungeon. Vega is reading the script**
Tigi: ME!
Duk-Tak: Shut UP.
Vega: Eh? I'm supposed to cry?
Tigi (waves her hands excitedly): I have an idea! None can match my brilliance! Fetch the tools of sadness!
Duk-Tak: Water?
Tigi(exuberant): YES!
**They force eyedrops into Vega's eyes**
Tigi: Behold! Sadness!
Duk-Tak: It's splasherific.
Vega: Yeesh.
**Vega is 'crying', when a crooked voice calls out**
Dinin (insulted): CROOKED?
Tigi: Go with the program.
Dinin: Whatever. Fair maiden (hah!) why do you cry (double hah!)?
Vega: I cannot spin this straw into web- I mean, gold. **looks curiously at Duk-Tak**
Duk-Tak: Stop looking at the typist like that, thank you very much…
Dinin: Give me that ring, and I shall spin it all for you.
Vega (insulted at being thought of as a weakling (in her mind)): Yeah, sure, you can have the ring. **flashes the ring on her MIDDLE finger, gesturing at Dinin.**
Dinin: Okay… someone's PMS-ing…
Vega (snarls): Fine. Have the ring. But if you don't spin the damned web- I mean, straw ~stupid typist~ I will skin you alive before I'm executed.
Dinin: The King's executing you? Geez, tough break…
Vega: Will you spin the STRAW, or not?
Dinin: Yeah. Okay.
(Dinin © RA Salvatore)
**Lots of straw-spinning happy time passes**
Vega: How come you can do it?
Dinin: I secretly stole the potion from the alchemists! I even have the Elixir of Life!
Vega: Cool.
**Dinin Disappears**
Vega: Did he get that from the alchemists, too?
**Door opens to reveal Jarlaxle and Dorian**
Jarlaxle (eyes immediately light up at sight of gold): Well done. Unfortunately, since I have such a greedy son-
Dorian: Huh?
Jarlaxle: You have to spin a small room of straw into good for him. And he has ordered you dead if you don't finish the job. Me being modest and nice and all, I only want two bales of straw-spun, but young Dorian here wants a small room…
Dorian: I do-
Jarlaxle: Quiet, boy. See? He said so himself!
Dorian: You cut-
Jarlaxle: Exactly! Murderous, boy, isn't he? Wants your head cut off. **shakes his head sadly** Why did I spawn such a demon child?
Dorian: What? You didn't even-
Jarlaxle: Stop you? Oh yes, I know. I take no responsibility on your actions, dear boy, and thus, if this wonderful female does not complete the job, her death is your fault- you said it yourself- but you must understand my love, so you'll give have of the gold to me if she succeeds, hmm?
Dorian: I-
Jarlaxle: Thank you, boy. Let's go. **grabs Dorian's hair and drags him off**
**Vega is made to spin more straw. Lots of tear drops into eyes pass, until Dinin shows up again**
Dinin: Don't cry.
Vega: Okay. **quickly rubs the drops out of her eyes.
Dinin (sighs): Do you want me to do this all over again?
Vega: yeah. Here'll, I'll give you a lock of my pretty hair.
Dinin: Emm… no thanks. How about the bracelet?
Vega: Yeah. Okay. Why do you want it?
Dinin: I'm practically the slave of the ladies. Good looks, you know. **Flashes handsome smile**
Duk-Tak (outraged): DININ! No charms until AFTER we're done!
**Dinin sulks and spins the web- STRAW.**
**Nest day, Jarlaxle comes back, and hurriedly explains that he needs more gold to buy gifts for his dear wife (yeah right), so he sticks her in a freakishly large room filled with nice, soft webbing- STRAW, and locks her in. So, back comes the tear drops after a nice little rant from Vega**
Dinin (comes back): Yadda yadda…
Vega: heck with this! I'm leaving!
Dinin (flustered): What? You can't do that!
Vega: Watch me! **struts off**
Tigi: AH!
Duk-Tak: New actor! But who?
Tigi: Who haven't we used?
**malevolent gazes drift to Drizzt**
Drizzt: Oh, NO. No WAY I am playing that part! (Drizzt is © RA Salvatore)
**A few minutes later, Drizzt is hauled screaming into the room.**
Drizzt: This goes against-
Tigi: We don't care!
Drizzt: This is barbaric! Absolutely-
Tigi: I've never been one for pity.
Drizzt: Shutting up now…
Dinin: Yadda yadda yadda…
Drizzt: Umm…
Dinin: Read the script.
Drizzt (pulls script out from under his shirt): Uh, I have nothing to offer you in return to spin this gold…?
Dinin: Have you been following along?
Drizzt: Barely.
Dinin: Ah. Well, anyways, you must give me your firstborn child.
Drizzt (wrinkles his nose): Okay…
Dinin (shrugs): Alright then.
**Spins straw**
**The next day, Jarlaxle (after getting a convertible) proclaimed that Dorian and Drizzt were to be wed-
*
Drizzt: WHOAH! Hold on there.
Dorian: I'm not feeling peachy about it either.
Tigi: You should be. It's an honor, getting to be a part of a royal family…
Drizzt (sarcastic): Gee, this would be great, IF DORIAN WAS MARISA, OR AT LEAST THE OPPOSITE GENDER! And how the heck are we gonna have kids?
Tigi: You figure it out.
Dorian (looks around in interest): Where's Vega?
**A flying shoe hits him in the face**
Duk-Tak: There's your answer.
Tigi: Ugh. **knowing the present situation won't work out (being so smart and all) she drags Vega back onto the scene** There! Happy?
Dorian: Well, Drizzt's praying in thanks…
Tigi: Good for him.
Vega: Gar.
**They get married, and they 'have' a kid (adopted). Three days later, Dinin shows up.**
Dinin: Me want payment.
Vega: Why would you want a kid?
Dinin: I dunno. Rumpel-freakin'-stiltskin was a strange thing. I wonder if-
Vega: You can't have this baby, or I shall attack.
Dinin (waves hand threateningly): If you don't guess my name in three days, I shall kill you.
Vega: Crap. Really?
Dinin: I dunno. I die before that, don't I?
**Three days later, servant hears Dinin singing in the woods, bragging about how Vega is such a dumb ass she won't know his name. So servant tells Vega, who promptly fires the servant for ruining the whole challenge of the game.**
Dinin: I am back! What is my name?
Vega: Rumpelstiltskin.
Dinin: Oh yeah. What do I do now?
Vega (suggestion): Die?
Dinin (sarcastic): Really?
Vega: Stamp your foot. I think you fall through the towers and floors and die.
Dinin (whiny): Can't I just jump out of the window?
Vega: Sure.
Dinin: Will I actually die?
Vega: I dunno. Probably. You died once, there's no harm the second time.
**Dinin (gasp) jumps out the window. **
[End]
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Credits and Junk
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Ta-dah!