[-----[]-----]
July 18th-19th, 01
[-----[]-----]
This is a different version of Sharp Relief. But it's unlike any other, at least that I've read. And I'm almost positive I've read every D/C fanfic available on the internet. Thanks to Jenn for helping me formulate the idea.
[-----[]-----]
"And um...And I slept with him." Doug's entire world stopped in the one whispered sentence. For what seemed like days, but was merely moments, Doug was completely numb and void of anything that was happening. Then a sudden wave of nausea washed over him and a fist tightened around his heart as he felt the rush of every negative emotion in existence.
It took some more time, but finally his limbs remembered how to move. Stiffly, he walked to where he had left his coat draped over a chair. Carol lifted out a hand towards Doug.
"I'm so sorry, Doug." She said. He turned to her and nodded.
"Thank you for telling me." He swallowed the lump in his throat and exited the house, throwing his coat on. He rushed to his jeep before Carol could make up her mind and follow him. As he drove down the road, he realized he had nowhere to go. He'd gotten rid of his apartment just the week before. He didn't want to go to Mark's house, because then he would have to explain everything that happened and Doug wasn't sure he was quite clear on that himself.
So he simply drove around town, contemplating getting something to drink, but finally decided against it. Just because this happened, didn't mean he should become a drunk again. Finally he stopped at a small motel in downtown Chicago where he stayed for the night.
[-----[]-----]
The next day Doug walked into work, head bowed as he made his way into the lounge. He acknowledged Carter with a tired nod and hung his coat in his locker before heading out of the lounge. He walked to the admit desk and looked at the board.
"No pedes?" Doug asked.
"Nope." Jerry replied. Doug nodded and grabbed a stack of charts before heading down the hall to an empty exam room. Jerry, Lydia, and Peter looked after him.
"Is there something wrong with him?" Peter asked.
"Looks that way." Lydia said. Jerry shrugged.
"Who knows. He seemed happy yesterday."
Meanwhile, Doug piled his charts onto the gurney and pulled up a stool. He lifted a pen and looked down at the charts. Then he stopped and buried his face into his hands and sighed gruffly.
[-----[]-----]
Carol walked into the lounge that morning and saw Mark sitting on the couch.
"Mark?" He looked up.
"Oh, hey Carol."
"Is Doug here?" She asked. Mark shrugged.
"Yeah, he's in Exam Three doing paperwork. Jerry said he seemed upset." Mark baited her. Carol didn't latch onto it, she just nodded.
"Thanks Mark." Carol said. She walked into the hallway and went to the admit desk. Jerry smiled at her.
"Hey Carol." She smiled slightly.
"Hey Jer."
"And how are you this morning?" He asked.
"I'm okay." She lied. He nodded.
"Good. So, what's up with Dr. Ross? He didn't seem like himself." Jerry said. Carol looked Jerry and shrugged.
"I'm not sure. I haven't seen him since last night." She said. Jerry nodded and saw the pain shimmering behind the fake look of puzzlement in Carol's eyes. He understood.
"I see." Jerry smiled and answered the phone as it rang. Carol nodded and pushed a hand through her hair. Maybe she should go talk to him. But then she decided against it, figuring if she was going to do any talking that she should wait until he had more time to think about what she had told him.
She turned just as she saw Greg Powell pushing a gurney into the ER, his partner on his side. Mark and Carter rushed up to the gurney and Carol saw at a quick glance that it was another elderly rape victim. She would normally have wanted to go help out, but she could not face Greg.
"Fuck." She muttered and scurried away from the desk before Greg could catch sight of her. She knew she would have to face him later, but she couldn't do it now, not so soon.
[-----[]-----]
The next day, Carol still hadn't talked to Doug or Greg. But as fate would have it, she rounded the corner and ran right into Greg. He smiled and caught her elbows in his hands.
"Hey Carol." He said. She smiled and swallowed, looking around quickly.
"Hey Greg." She said.
"How are you?" He asked. She nodded.
"I'm okay. Look.."
"I was wondering.." Greg cut her off. She stopped and looked up at him. "Are you free anytime? I was thinking, maybe, we could...go out sometime." Greg smiled, hinting at what had happened between them two nights ago. Carol shook her head.
"Greg..There's something we need to talk about." Carol said.
"What?" He asked.
"Let's go in the lounge." Carol walked around Greg and met Doug's gaze head on. She froze and stared at the blank look on his face. Then before she could say anything, he turned and walked away. She knew he had heard every word of the conversation, he was a mere foot from Greg's back. Carol continued on into the lounge, Greg on her heel.
She turned to him and he smiled.
"Greg.." She sighed and put a hand to her forehead and looked down at the floor. He touched her elbow.
"Carol, what's wrong?" He asked.
"I can't go out with you." Carol said. Greg's hand dropped.
"What?" He asked. Carol looked up at him and let out a deep sigh at the hurt she saw in his eyes.
"What happened between us....was....It shouldn't have happened." Carol said. Greg took a step back. Carol's heart clenched a bit. She didn't want to hurt him, she did like him. But..She couldn't. "I'm dating someone...Or I was. And it was pretty serious." She paused and looked down. "I love him," She admitted, "and I've hurt him badly by betraying him. And I've hurt you because I misled you." She stopped and swallowed before meeting his gaze again. "I'm sorry."
He nodded.
"Well, thank you for telling me before...Things got out of hand." Carol's heart clenched as she remembered Doug saying those same words when she told him.
"Greg, I am sorry." She said. He nodded and squeezed her hand.
"I hope you work things out with him." Carol smiled.
"Thank you for understanding." She said. He nodded and smiled.
"You're welcome. Well, I better go." Greg said. She nodded slightly and watched as he exited the lounge. She walked to the sink and turned the water on. She filled a Styrofoam cup with water and took a swallow. Then she threw the cup away and gave herself a few moments to recuperate before she pulled the door of the lounge open and walked out. She caught Doug's gaze once more but quickly looked away and walked down the hallway.
He sighed. He was not dealing well with this. She looked miserable and exhausted and by the looks of her and Greg, she hadn't given him good news. And Doug knew how Carol hated to hurt someone's feelings when she liked them. But then he stopped.
He was the 'victim' here. He was the one she couldn't commit to, couldn't trust, couldn't...marry. He sighed and signed a chart with a flurry and threw it into the pile with a slam. Several of the people standing around looked at him but he simply stalked off, ignoring their looks.
[-----[]-----]
Elizabeth, Doug, Lydia, and Carol were working on an auto accident with a little boy. Doug was trying his best to ignore Carol and ask Lydia for everything he needed. Elizabeth noticed this but didn't say a word as the child needed their full attention. Suddenly Carol stopped and made a face. Elizabeth and Doug glanced up at her.
"I think I'm going to be sick." She said, suddenly pale. Doug's head came up a little and a worried look passed over his face before she ran out of the trauma room. Doug watched her go but turned back to the patient. She wasn't his concern anymore.
They sent the young boy up to surgery minutes later and Doug headed back to the admit desk with Lydia. Carol was sitting in a chair, writing on a chart.
"Carol, are you okay?" Lydia asked. Carol looked up.
"Yeah, I'm fine now. Must've ate something I shouldn't have." She said. Doug listened but didn't look at Carol, or comment. Carol watched him briefly before sighing and turning back to the chart. He picked up another and headed up to treat a child with a stomach ache.
[-----[]-----]
"I can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me." Carol said. She was talking to Mark. They were sitting in the lounge before their shifts started. Doug walked into the lounge. Carol looked at him but he simply went to his locker.
"Are you sure it's not the flu?" Mark asked. Carol smiled.
"Mark, you're a doctor. Do I look like I have the flu?" She asked. He shook his head.
"No, I guess not. Maybe you should let me run some tests." Mark said. Doug shrugged into his coat.
"Mark, it's not that important." She said.
"Fine, if you change your mind, you let me know." Mark said.
"I will." Doug turned and headed out of the lounge and out of the ER. Carol hung her head.
"Carol, what's going on between the two of you? I haven't seen you talk to each other in the past week."
"We're not together anymore." She murmured.
"What? Why not?" Mark asked.
"I screwed up." Carol ran a hand through her hair.
"What happened?" Mark asked. Carol shrugged. She needed to tell someone. All of it was bottled up inside of her and she needed someone to know. She knew she could trust Mark.
"Whatever I tell you is in confidence. You can't tell anyone." Carol said. Mark nodded.
"Alright. I won't."
"You know Greg Powell?" Mark nodded. "I slept with him." Carol lowered her head. Mark froze and watched her.
"And you told Doug.."
"Of course." Carol sighed. "He deserved to know that I was unfaithful. After all those times when he did it to me...I actually did it to him. I can't believe myself."
"Why'd you do it then?"
"Because...I felt...pressured. Doug wanted me to marry him, as you know. It felt like...Tag...all over again." Carol sighed. "And then Greg kissed me when we were at the elderly rape victim's house, looking for her cat. And I let him take me home because I wanted....I don't know." Carol shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. "I was pressured and scared and stupid. So stupid." She clenched her fists. "And I lost him." Suddenly all the anger just seemed to seep from her and left her limp. The tears began to fall. "I don't know what to do, Mark. I miss him. I love him." She stressed. "And I hurt him. He won't take me back, Mark. I don't even have to ask him if he would."
"You've not talked to him at all?" Mark asked, rubbing a hand over her back. She shook her head.
"Not since the night it happened and I told him."
"Maybe you should. See what he has to say." Carol shook her head and reached up and dug her fingers into her eyes.
"I don't know, Mark. He wouldn't want to listen to me."
"Let me talk to him."
"Mark, I don't know what good that'll do. It will probably just piss him off because I talked to you about it." Carol sighed.
"Let me give it a try." Carol shrugged wearily.
"Whatever you want to do. It doesn't matter."
"It'll be okay, Carol."
"No, Mark. I hurt him. I don't know if things will be okay." Mark sighed and nodded.
"Just believe it'll be better, okay?" Carol nodded.
"'Kay." Mark nodded and watched her for a few moments before he exited the lounge. Carol burst into tears, ignoring the fact that she was at work. Moments later Elizabeth walked into the lounge, heading for the coffee, but she heard Carol's weak sobs and she whirled around.
"Carol?" Carol looked up but didn't cease to stop. "What's wrong?" Elizabeth asked. She rushed to Carol's side and gathered Carol into her arms. Carol let Elizabeth hug her as she sobbed.
"I'm...sorry."
"Shhh...Just let it go." Minutes later, Carol pulled away and let out a mix between a sob and a hiccup.
"I didn't mean to lay that all on you." Elizabeth smiled.
"You didn't. Want to talk about it?"
"I already did with Mark." Carol said. Elizabeth nodded.
"Okay." She replied. Carol looked at her.
"It's Doug." She said. Elizabeth nodded.
"I figured something was wrong." Carol nodded and wrung her hands.
"I think I've lost him. For good."
"Well then, I believe you deserved every second of that cry. And more." Carol smiled weakly.
"Thanks Liz." Elizabeth's heart warmed at the sound of her nickname. Elizabeth was glad to have a female friend at County. Finally.
"You're welcome." Elizabeth smiled.
"I'll tell you about it later, but if I start again, I think I'll have to cry some more." Carol said. Elizabeth nodded.
"Alright. You can talk to me whenever, about anything." Elizabeth stood up. "I better get back to work. Will you be alright?"
"I'll be fine." Carol smiled and watched as Elizabeth walked out of the lounge. Carol sighed and sniffled, sitting in silence for awhile before heading back to work.
[-----[]-----]
Carol sat in her bathroom, staring down at the little contraption in her hands with a stunned look on her face. Quickly she stood and threw the pregnancy test on the ground. No, this wasn't happening. She could not be pregnant. Carol backed out of the bathroom and into her bedroom. She bumped into the bed and stood, frozen as she stared at the bathroom door. Suddenly she crumpled onto the bed and began to sob.
[-----[]-----]
"How's your insomnia and headaches?" Mark asked Carol the next day. Her heart clenched.
"All better." Carol replied and saw Doug listening out of the corner of her eye.
"You sure?" Mark asked. Carol smiled and nodded.
"Yeah. Problem solved." She said and walked off. Doug turned to Mark.
"She's having headaches and insomnia?" Doug asked.
"Was, apparently." Doug nodded and swallowed. He couldn't help but worry about her.
[-----[]-----]
Later Doug was in the drug lock-up, looking for some pain medication for a patient. Carol walked in and stood in the doorway, trapping him inside.
"Doug?" She asked softly. He ignored her. "Please, Doug, don't do that."
"Do what?" He muttered. She felt a slight tremble in her heart. He was talking to her again. If only a little.
"I need to talk to you. Before you argue," She held up a hand, "it's really important. You need to hear it. It's something I must tell you."
"Fine." Doug said.
"I can't talk here. Can we go to lunch?" She asked. Doug sighed.
"Meet me at Doc Magoo's in an hour." He said. She nodded.
"Thank you." She murmured and back out of the lock-up.
[-----[]-----]
An hour later, Doug walked into Doc Magoo's. He looked around and spotted Carol sitting alone, playing with the glass the waitress had placed in front of her. Carol hadn't seen him yet. You could still leave, he thought, but then Carol looked up and caught his eye. He made his way to the booth and sat across from her. The waitress came to the table and took Doug's order of coffee.
Carol and Doug met each other's gaze before Doug shifted and looked away. Carol sighed and closed her eyes for the briefest of moments.
"I don't know how to tell you this." Carol whispered and shook her head. "It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to tell anyone. Ever." Carol said. Doug's heart thumped in his chest and panic settled into his stomach with a dull ache. Carol looked up and met his gaze. "I'm pregnant." She murmured. For the second time in the past three weeks, Doug's entire world stopped and he went numb in disbelief. "With Greg's baby." Carol murmured, watching Doug. He was suddenly a sickly green color. Doug swallowed.
"Alright." He said. Carol's eyes filled with tears and she looked down.
"I'm sorry, Doug."
"For what?" He asked sarcastically and shook his head. "Look, I'm glad that you felt the need to tell me this, really. But shouldn't you be sharing this happy news with Greg?" He asked. A tear slid from Carol's eye.
"I'm not going to tell him." She said.
"Well, that's just nice. Don't tell the man he's going to be a father. You're just the Person of the Month, eh?" Doug asked and stood quickly, ignoring the tears pouring from Carol's eyes. He made his way out of the diner and stalked off. Carol kept her head bent, feeling the stares of the other customers on her. Finally she placed some money on the table and stood, making her own way out of the restaurant. She couldn't go back to work, not now. She took off on a walk, going in the opposite direction Doug had gone.
[-----[]-----]
The next morning, Carol stood at the admit desk when she heard some whispers coming off to the side. Chuny and Lydia were conversing quietly, not aware that Carol was standing close enough to hear.
"Did you hear about Doug?" Chuny asked.
"Yeah, can you believe it?" Lydia replied.
"I can't believe he would resign and leave Carol here." Carol's heart clenched. Resign?
"Something must have happened between them." Lydia replied.
"No doubt." Chuny said.
"Well, I wonder how Carol's taking the news." Lydia wondered. Not well, Carol thought and walked off unnoticed. She looked around the exam rooms, trying to find Doug. Finally she found him in Exam Three working on charts.
"Doug?" Carol asked. He sighed as she walked in but he looked up at her. She walked into the room. "Are you resigning?" She asked. Doug looked down at his papers briefly before looking up at her and nodding.
"Yes." He replied stiffly. Carol let out a strangled cry.
"Doug, don't do this!"
"Why not?" Doug asked. Carol bit her lip to fight off the tears.
"County needs you. You're the best doctor in this fucking hospital!" Carol said, letting her anger and frustration spill through.
"County doesn't need me."
"Yes, they do." Carol sighed. "Doug, this is your home. Your life is in this hospital. Your friends are here. Don't leave just because I screwed everything up." Carol paused and watched him. "I'm getting an abortion." She said. He stopped and simply stared at her.
"Carol.."
"No. I don't want this baby, I don't love Greg." She closed her eyes. "Look, don't leave, please. Not for me, but for yourself. If you really don't think you can work with me, I'll resign. County needs you more than they need me. I'm just a nurse. You're the best doctor I've ever worked with, regardless of what rules everyone preaches. Nurses can be hired in a lot of places, doctors can't."
"Carol, no. You're not resigning." Doug said.
"You don't have to, either." Carol said desperately. "You don't want to go to a new hospital, with new people, new rules, new everything. I know you well enough to know you'd hate it." She closed her eyes briefly. "I'll avoid you as much as I can. I'll only work with you only when it's necessary. But please, please don't leave." Carol's eyes filled with tears and her heart clenched. She tried to blink the tears away so he wouldn't notice them, but he did.
"Carol..You're sacrificing too much for me."
"What am I sacrificing?" Carol asked.
"Your child." Carol shook her head.
"Doug..I'm not having an abortion because of you. I'm having one because this child is Greg's. I don't love him. I don't love this child. I couldn't raise this baby. Not alone, not under these circumstances. I don't want this child. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I can't keep it."
"Alright." Doug murmured.
"Are you going to resign?" Carol asked.
"I suppose not." Doug said. Carol's head dropped.
"Good." She whispered. She lifted her head and nodded. "I'll let you get back to work now." She turned and walked out of the room. Doug watched her go and stared at the door, long after she was gone.
"Fuck this." He muttered and threw his pen across the room. It didn't help, but the energy seeped out and left him empty. He buried his face into his hands and sighed deep and long.
[-----[]-----]
Later that night, Carol lay on a cold hospital gurney, her legs up in stirrups. She closed her eyes and took deep even breaths as she heard the whir of the machine, taking her child from her. Carol wasn't sure if she should be crying, but she couldn't bring herself to feel anything but numbness.
An abortion. She never thought she would be doing this.
[-----[]-----]
The next morning, Doug ran into the ER, breathing heavily from the exercise. He ran to the admit desk where Mark was standing.
"Mark! Is Carol here? Where is she?" Doug asked. Mark looked up.
"She's in the lounge." Mark said. Doug turned and pushed into the lounge, nearly running into Carol who was heading out.
"Carol!" He exclaimed. She backed up a little, surprised.
"Doug." She said. He took her shoulders in his hands and breathed deeply.
"Did you do it?" He asked. Her heart flipped in her chest. He was talking to her, on his own free will.
"Do what?" She asked.
"The abortion." He said.
"Last night." She replied. He let go of her and cursed loudly. He began to pace. "What?" Carol asked.
"The baby could have been mine!" Doug exclaimed. Carol's mouth dropped open and her eyes widened.
"Oh God." She whispered and her hand flew up to her mouth.
"We..It could have happened the night before, or two nights before Greg. It could have been my child!" Doug said.
"Oh Doug, I never even thought of that." She said as tears filled her eyes. He shook his head and looked at her.
"No. I have to believe that it was Greg's child. Because I am not going to grieve for a child that wasn't mine. It was his, not mine. I have to think that." He stopped and took a deep breath. "Or it will hurt too much."
"Doug.." Carol reached a hand out to him but he stepped back to avoid it.
"You should believe that, too." Doug said before walking out of the lounge. Carol sat shakily on the couch and buried her face in her hands.
"Oh God." She murmured.
[-----[]-----]