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July 19th
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This takes place about a week or so after the first chapter.
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"Doug?" Carol asked.
"Hm?" He looked up at her. She handed him a chart.
"We've got a six-year-old in Exam Two, complaining of abdominal pain."
"'Kay." Doug said and headed to Exam Two, Carol on his heels. She watched the back of his head, studying him as he swaggered down the hall in that sexy walk of his. She bent her head and thought of how they rarely talked anymore and when they did it was about a patient. Everyday Carol felt a sense of deja vu from a time when she had been dating Tag and ignoring Doug in the way he ignored her now. But instead of her being upset with him, it was the other way around and she had to live with herself every day, knowing she caused that.
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Doug slid the key into the door of his new apartment and walked into the tiny living room. He threw the keys and his coat onto the table and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and headed back to the living room. He flipped on his TV and sat on the couch he had taken from his mother's attic.
When he couldn't find anything to watch, he turned it off and headed to his old record player that he had had in high school, which he had also taken out of his mother's attic. He put on an old favorite of his and let the music blast out at him.
It didn't suit his mood, but he'd rather listen to ear-splitting music then depressing blues. He took a swig of his beer and moved to the window, looking down onto the streets of Chicago.
God, he missed her. Seeing her smile. Hearing her laugh. Talking to her as they fell asleep. Kissing her. Making love to her. Taking walks through the park, eating ice cream and holding hands. Making fun of co-workers after long shifts. Teasing her about her lack of sports knowledge. Eating her burnt eggs. Hell, he missed everything. Even the way she liked to complain about him leaving his clothes all over the floor.
Doug looked over at the phone and thought about calling her, picking up the phone and dialing the number to her house, his old house. But he couldn't, he knew. She had hurt him, horribly. He wasn't even sure he knew what he wanted anymore.
Hell, who was he kidding? He wanted her, desperately. But he wasn't sure he wanted her to know that he needed her, just to breath. He couldn't sleep without her by his side anymore. Why did she have to do this? Why couldn't she just have been ready? Why couldn't she just have come home a little early that night? No, because then Doug wouldn't have known she wasn't ready, she didn't want to commit to him.
Damn, it still stung. Every time he thought it. Well, he thought, he'd just have to stop thinking about it. But he couldn't.
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Carol crawled into her bed, pulling her covers up to her shoulders. She grabbed Doug's pillow and buried her nose in it, still able to smell him, even after all this time. She still slept in his shirts, the ones he had left. She knew it was ridiculous to hang on this long, but she couldn't let go yet. She had to keep pretending, hoping he would come back to her. She knew she was only fooling herself.
The tears started slowly and then the sobs came. She buried her face further into his pillow, muffling the sounds of her cries and cutting off her oxygen. She finally pulled away, gulping in air between sobs and hiccups.
Damn it, damn it, damn it, she thought. It was stupid to do this to herself every night. But she couldn't stop herself, couldn't quit hurting so.
Oh, how had she been so stupid?! How could she have had sex with someone else? How could she have let him go? Why did she do it? Oh, God, why? The sobs came again, harsher than before and she surrendered to them, letting them overtake her body until she fell into an exhausted, restless sleep.
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The next morning, Carol was standing at the admit desk, staring down at a paper in her hands but not really seeing it. She had her elbow propped up on the desk and her face in her hand. She let her eyes flutter closed. Out of the corner of his eye, Doug watched her. She hadn't been sleeping well, he noticed.
"Why don't you talk to her?" Doug jolted and looked at Mark.
"Who?" Doug asked, trying to act innocent. Mark rolled his eyes and tilted his eyes to Carol. Doug shrugged and wrote his name on a chart.
"Doug, look at her. She's miserable." Mark murmured softly. Doug glanced at her but didn't say anything. Mark sighed, shook his head and walked to Carol.
"Carol?" He murmured.
"Huh?" She straightened. "Oh, sorry Mark."
"Tired?" He asked with a understanding smile. She nodded.
"Yeah. I didn't sleep well last night." She said, unaware that Doug was in hearing distance.
"Why not? Is something wrong?" Mark asked. She smiled weakly.
"Besides the obvious? No." She said. Mark nodded and glanced over his shoulder. Doug was walking in the opposite direction, a chart in hand. But he had heard what she had said and was now mulling over it in his mind.
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Doug turned to walk the corner but stopped when he heard Carol's voice.
"I'm okay, Elizabeth."
"Are you sure?" Elizabeth asked. Carol smiled.
"Well, I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about him. I wish all of this wouldn't have happened, but besides that, I'm fine."
"You've shadows under your eyes." Elizabeth noted.
"I haven't been sleeping. I can't seem to sleep easily without him by my side."
"Why don't you talk to him?"
"Doug won't listen. He doesn't want to hear my apologies, my begging him to take me back." Doug heard the slight hint of a sad smile in her voice. "After all this time, if he wanted me back, he would have said something. It's really not my place to ask him back. If he wants me back, he has to make the first move. It's his decision." Carol said.
"I guess you're right." Elizabeth said. Doug turned around and walked in the other direction, really not wanting to get caught eavesdropping.
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Later that afternoon, Doug glanced up from a chart to find himself gazing into Carol's eyes. She watched him just a moment more before looking down and walking away. Doug sighed and closed his eyes briefly. Mark watched the whole encounter, thinking that one of them was about to give in to their love for the other.
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"How's it going, Carol?" Mark asked minutes later in the lounge. She sighed and smiled slightly.
"Not too great." She said.
"Why not?" Mark asked.
"I don't think I can work beside him like this for much longer. I hate it." She said. He nodded.
"Have you talked to him?"
"No."
"Why don't you?"
"If Doug wants to listen, he'll talk to me." Carol said. Mark shrugged.
"Maybe." He said. Carol smiled.
"I'm dealing with it. It'll get better." Carol said. Mark could see in her eyes and her face that she didn't believe her own words.
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Right before Doug headed home, he checked the log and saw that Carol was off all day tomorrow, as was he. He swallowed and nodded to himself before exiting the hospital.
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"Hello?" Carol asked, picking up the phone and sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Carol." Carol's eyes widened and she straightened.
"Hey Doug." She said softly.
"How are you?" He asked. She smiled slightly.
"I'm okay." She said. He nodded.
"Uh, well. Before I left work, an hour ago, I checked the logs. You're not working tomorrow." Carol's heart rate increased.
"No." She said slowly.
"Um, neither am I and uh, I was wondering..." He trailed off and Carol closed her eyes in relief.
"Yes?" She asked.
"I wanted to know if you wanted to get lunch somewhere. I thought...I thought I could pick us something up from that chicken place you love and take it down to the park. We can eat and...and talk." Doug said.
"Doug..I'd love that. Okay." She said. He smiled.
"Alright. Uh, how does twelve sound?" Doug asked.
"That sounds great. The bench?" She asked, speaking of their favorite bench in the park.
"Yeah."
"Okay. I'll uh, I'll see you then." Carol said.
"Yeah. Goodnight, Carol."
"Night, Doug." They hung up. Carol closed her eyes in relief and wiped away the tear of relief that fell out of her eye.
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Doug took a deep breath and looked out towards Carol. She was sitting on their bench, facing the lake. Doug began walking, the plastic bag filled with their lunch swishing against his leg and alerting Carol of his presence before he arrived at the bench.
She smiled up at him, her heart fluttering in her chest at the first sight of him, as it always did. Her stomach was full of butterflies who began to do loop-de-loops as he sat down beside her.
"Hey." She murmured. He sat the plastic bag between them.
"Hey." He replied. She slipped her gloves off her hands and watched his breath puff out in the cold air.
"I can't believe we're going to eat chicken, outside, in the middle of March." Carol said, trying to lighten the mood. Doug chuckled genuinely.
"Me neither. Just something new." He said and bit his tongue at the uncomfortable silence that had settled between them. Something new, he thought and cursed himself for throwing that happy time they had had in the air now. She pulled the cardboard box out of the bag and opened it up, pushing those thoughts away.
"Mm." She murmured. "That smells great." She reached in and took out a chicken leg. Doug reached in himself and picked a wing.
"There's napkins in there, if you need them. I didn't get anything to drink. I couldn't carry it all." He said.
"That's okay." She replied and bit into the chicken. She smiled. "God, I love this chicken." She said. He smiled at her. They ate silently for a few minutes before Doug placed the wing back into the bag and took out a napkin and wiped the grease from his fingers.
"Carol.." He murmured. She placed the leg back and took her own napkin.
"Yeah?" She replied softly, the nerves drumming high again.
"I want you..to know how sorry I am, for the way I've been acting. I've been the biggest asshole on the planet." Doug said. Carol smiled.
"You were allowed to be. What I did...Was inexcusable." She said. He nodded.
"I won't pretend that you didn't hurt me. Extremely." He sighed and looked out at the lake before turning to her. "But..part of it was my fault."
"No, Doug.."
"I pressured you." He continued, ignoring her comment. "And you ran away from it. I wish you wouldn't have went to another man's bed, but I wouldn't listen to your protests, so it's my fault that you went. It's not my fault where you went, but it's my fault you did. So.." He stopped and remained silent for a few moments, looking at the lake, as Carol swam in her shame. He sighed and turned back to her.
"What I really meant to say is I'm dying here inside. Without you." Doug said. Carol smiled softly, feeling the tickle of tears in the back of her throat.
"I miss you more each day." She paused and glanced down before looking back into his chocolate eyes. "There's not a night I haven't cried." She whispered. He reached out and took her cold cheek into his surprisingly warm hand.
"The truth is I'm not that strong. No matter how much I tried, I'm still holding on." He smiled as he saw the tears come into her eyes. "I'm still in love with you." He murmured.
"Oh, Doug. I'm so sorry for what I did." She said and reached up and cupped her hand around his wrist. He smiled slightly.
"I overreacted." Doug said. Carol shook her head, but he nodded. "I was thinking. This is just the same as years ago when I slept with other women when I was dating you. But you stayed. For longer than I did. The only things different are you only did it once, with good reason, and you got pregnant. But then I got to thinking. I may have gotten any number of those women pregnant. They didn't know me, they may not have wanted to tell me." He sighed. "It's all the same. And you tolerated me for much longer." He sighed. "And you even had reason to do it. I pressured you."
"It's not your fault, Doug. It's not." Carol said. Doug sighed and rubbed his thumb over her cheek.
"I need to know if you'll have me back despite the way I acted." Doug said. Carol smiled.
"You know I will." She said. He closed his eyes briefly and nodded before opening them again.
"I'll give you all the time you need. I'll let you decide when you are ready to live with me again. When you want to take the next steps in our relationship. I can wait. Because I will wait forever for you, Carol Hathaway." This time the tears fell.
"Doug, I want you to move back in."
"Carol.."
"No, Doug, listen to me. I want to go back to how we were before, as much as we can. I cannot sleep without you by my side. And I love you. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that I love you and I want you. Only you."
"Well, I'm glad because I want you, and only you, too." Carol smiled.
"I had similar conversations with Tag like this. After my suicide attempt. He kept wanting me to move back in and I didn't want to." Carol sighed. "The difference between then and now is I love you, more than anyone I've ever loved, will love, or could love." Carol said. Doug smiled and cupped her cheeks in his hands.
"Then I suppose I'll move back in with you." Doug said. Carol laughed a bit, tears still leaking from her eyes as Doug took his mouth to hers and felt their love flow freely through. No more restrictions.
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