AN: B88nebula is a joint account of two authors, elizabethB88 and nebula2. This story is a collaborative effort of both authors. It was inspired by a drabble written by nebula2. That drabble can be found in "Drabbles From Hope Valley" and is chapter 65. This story starts before the events in that drabble but after the season 7 finale. The story will cover events of the off season and continue on. Events of season 8 are not considered 'canon' for this story though the authors are using bits of pieces of season 8 and re-purposing for our own use. We both hope that you enjoy our story!

AN2: Research was done on a Regimental Funeral Service for the Mounties. That research was used in writing the second section. The author hopes that she caught the spirit of a funeral for a Mountie even if some of the details are not 100.

November 17, 1917

It's been two weeks since the prisoner transfer went wrong, two weeks since I thought Nathan had been shot. I can still feel the immediate sense of pain and grief that overcame me when Carson said "he's gone." My world felt like it was crashing around me. Then when I turned around and saw Nathan walking into town, alive and unharmed, I felt a relief unlike anything I've ever felt before. A part of me still can't believe I embraced him publicly like I did. It was one thing to hug him, but I didn't let go. I held him for a long time, needing to feel his heart beating against mine and the rise and fall of his chest. It proved he was alive, that I wasn't dreaming. We held each other so tightly. I know Nathan was in shock, pained by the death of a fellow Mountie. When we finally parted, he looked at me for a long moment and then told me we would talk later.

Later never happened. I am both relieved and disappointed. Nathan hasn't been in Hope Valley much lately. He has been working with the Mounties to wrap up the case and bring justice to Elias and Jenny. Bill has been with him a lot. There is some kind of investigation underway, though I don't know the details. Tomorrow they will be attending the funeral for Constable Novak, the young man killed during the transfer. Since Nathan has been gone so much, we haven't had a chance to talk. I need to talk to him, but I'm afraid of what might come up. Though I am relieved to know he is alive, I can't put a name to my feelings. It is clear I feel something for him. That is undeniable. I would be lying to myself if I tried to push it off as mere relief or concern for a friend. My feelings are deeper than friendship.

But is it Nathan that I am seeing, or am I simply seeing him as a replacement for Jack? Was that embrace solely for Nathan, or was I reacting to the fact that I will never see Jack coming back to me the way Nathan did? I am so confused by these emotions wrecking havoc inside of me. The old grief from Jack's death is welling up again, and I know why: I've never truly grieved his death. I found out I was pregnant soon after he died, and just months after our son was born, two men showed a clear interest in me. I've been distracting myself from my grief rather than letting myself feel it.

I do sense that there is something between myself and Nathan. What that is, I don't know. What I do know, however, is that Lucas and I would not suit. He was a pleasant distraction from my grief, a reminder of the life I'd lived in Hamilton. There was a sense of comfort in that. But he recently left Hope Valley without a word. No one knows where he went or when he'll be back. I find I don't miss him. His gestures were nice and his words perfect, but they lacked depth. There was a shallowness that defined our relationship. I was only fooling myself to think that something real could develop between us. I realized all this after he left, so I haven't had a chance to talk with him about it. If and when he returns, we will need to clear the air. I will have to be firm about the fact that I only see him as a friend, and I can only hope he will finally accept that. I see now that he always pushed me for more than I was ready for, intentionally or not. Unlike Nathan, who was determined to let me figure things out without any kind of pressure.

Nathan…what do I feel for Nathan?

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that Nathan came back from a mission, looking disheveled and dirty. I was so relieved to see him home safe and sound, but when he asked me out to dinner, I faltered. I muttered an excuse about Jack having no one to watch him, and Nathan immediately offered to include both him and Allie in our date. Surprised at his offer, but still a little hesitant, I accepted. The scene then changed to the four of us walking into town, Allie and I holding onto Jack's hands to help him walk. Nathan was now clean and dressed in a nice gray vest and pants. The stagecoach came by, and Lucas was there to greet it. The woman who got out was his mother. For some reason her presence discombobulated me, and I told Nathan I wasn't feeling well, asking him to take me home. As is the case in dreams, I turned away but could still see him in my mind's eye. The look of disappointment exchanged between him and Allie broke my heart. It was then that I woke up.

I felt disgusted with myself for such a reaction, even though I knew it was a dream. I was so unkind. I cannot imagine actually hurting him and Allie in that way, ever. Part of me thinks I had that dream because I never answered Nathan after he asked me out right before the prisoner transfer. I wanted to say yes, but I was scared. He was so gracious in giving me time to think it over. After I embraced him, I wanted to say yes again, but once more I was scared. He is a Mountie. I've already lost one.

I don't think I could survive losing another.

Elizabeth Thornton slowly closed her journal, lost in thought. Usually writing out the workings of her mind helped calm her, but not this time. She felt just as confused and lost as ever. The last line she had penned haunted her.

Could she risk opening her heart to Nathan? Was she strong enough to do that, knowing how things had ended with Jack? Her words to Clara came back with startling clarity. Yes, she would do it all over again with Jack, even knowing how things ended. But could she do the same with another man, not knowing how things ended? If she agreed to a date with Nathan, it had to be with the intention of allowing him to court her. Anything else would be cruel. She knew his feelings for her were strong. His every look, his every action, made that abundantly clear.

A shudder went through her entire body. She had all but crumbled just thinking Nathan was gone, shot in a prisoner transfer gone wrong. What would she feel if she actually lost him?

Twin teardrops made their way down her cheeks. She didn't know what to do. Throat convulsing, Elizabeth wiped away the moisture on her face.

She had to figure out what to do, but she had no idea how she was going to do so.

Despite the cold wind that blew, the sun shone brightly on the Clearwater cemetery, as Constable Nathan Grant and the other gathered members of the RCMP saluted while Constable Eric Novak's casket was placed on the stretchers above where he would be buried when the weather was warm enough to dig the hole. The sun seemed out of place to Nathan. He thought he would almost rather it be overcast with a slight drizzle as it had been on the day of Colleen's funeral. It would fit the mood better.

Nathan's heart was heavy. Losing a fellow brother-in-arms was never easy. Being with that person when their death occurred was even harder. However, Nathan had been certain that he had done all he could to protect those present that day. Jenny had been about to give him the gun, he was sure of it. But then Elias had shouted, and she had moved the gun and fired. He had only learned after the fact that Novak had gone after his rifle under the wagon seat while he and Jenny had been focused on each other. If it weren't for Elias, perhaps it would have helped.

However, Elias had shouted and Novak had paid the ultimate price for his choice. Directly following the events, Nathan thought it had just been a tragic sequence of events, that no one had been at fault. As the investigation and inquiry into the prisoner transfer continued to stay open, Nathan was starting to question his own actions.

Had he done something wrong? Had he made a mistake that led to this funeral service?

As the casket bearers, Gabriel Kinslow among them, moved to their position for the graveside ceremony, Nathan tried to push those questions aside. Today was not the day for those thoughts. The Headdress Bearers returned Stetsons to the casket bearers as Staff Sergeant Franklin Novak, Eric's older brother, also serving as the Insignia Bearer, moved toward the casket with the few medals Eric had earned. Franklin placed the cushion with the medals on top of the flag-draped casket. Next, Constable Novak's Stetson was placed on the casket.

"Parade, stand at ease," came the command from the Funeral Commander.

Nathan dropped his salute as the pastor stepped forward. Nathan found his focus fixated on the items on top of the casket. Items symbolizing the life of Constable Novak. Would that one day be his casket draped with a flag, as Allie and others mourned his death? It was a reality that Elizabeth had gone through once. How could he ask her to do so again?

"Parade, remove headdress," came the next command.

Nathan removed the headdress as the ceremony commenced. The pastor said some words and then invited Staff Sergeant Franklin Novak to deliver the eulogy. Eventually, the sobs of Veronica Novak, Eric's mother, could be heard by the mourners. The sound tore at Nathan's heart. Once again he was reminded of Colleen's funeral. Mrs. Novak's anguish echoed Nathan's own mother's anguish.

The pastor said a few more words before stepping back to signal the end of the ceremony. The Funeral Commander gave the command to replace Headdress. He then gave the guard the command for the rifle volley. As the first of three volleys sounded, Nathan jumped, flashbacks of that day coming back to him. He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder just before the second volley. Nathan knew the hand belonged to Bill, who had insisted on standing behind him despite ceremonial procedures. Nathan was grateful for the older man's presence as the third volley sounded and his breathing came in rapid, short, breaths.

The command to the guard was given to present arms. Though Nathan was slow to respond to the command as the bugler sounded "The Last Post", he saluted with his fellow Mounties. A brief pause seemed to amplify the sobs of Mrs. Novak and other mourners before "The Rouse" was played and the guard was ordered to shoulder arms.

With that, the funeral was over. As people started toward the casket to pay their respects to Novak's family, Nathan felt himself stagger. He felt two hands grab either arm, supporting him. Nathan closed his eyes and took several deep breaths.

"That is it," Bill said, softly in Nathan's left ear, telling Nathan that his friend was on his left side. "Slow, deep breaths."

"You're not alone, Grant," Constable Blythe said from the right side. Nathan and Blythe had worked together on several cases over the years, and the latter was currently serving in Clearwater.

Nathan nodded, feeling grateful for the support.

Though he was aware of the people moving about him, he did not feel self-conscious. The civilians gathered were mostly family or close friends, and were probably too wrapped up in their own grief to notice him. If his fellow Mounties noticed, they would understand. After the Northern Territories, with the exception of the new Mounties, not many serving had not suffered the loss of someone they served with. No matter how brief the interaction was, that loss still affected those left behind.

Or those who had survived.

"I am all right now," Nathan said a little while later. He had managed to get his breathing under control and felt like his legs would support him again.

"Are you sure?" Blythe asked, not looking convinced.

"Yes," Nathan told his fellow Mountie. "I am sure. Thank you," he said, holding out his hand.

Constable Blythe nodded as he shook Nathan's hand. "Take care, Grant," he said. Blythe said good-bye to Bill and then went to pay respects to the Novak family.

"Are you sure you are alright?" Bill asked as Blythe walked away.

Nathan met his friend's gaze. He could see the concern in the older man's eyes. Nathan also knew that this was not just a casual acquaintance, like Constable Blythe. He could not just brush off Bill's concern, even if he wanted to. Bill had made that clear when he had started chopping wood with him when Elizabeth had gone to Union City with Lucas. Nathan had been grateful for Bill's presence then, and he was even more grateful for him these last couple of weeks.

"Well, I don't feel like I am going to collapse on the ground any longer," Nathan replied, trying to sound casual. The look Bill gave him told him that the older man did not find the reply convincing. "Honestly, Bill, I am not sure what I am feeling any longer. A fellow Mountie is dead and I am starting to feel like people think there is something I could have done to prevent it. What if they were right?"

"I was there, Nathan, remember?" Bill told him. "Your actions put nobody in further danger except for yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty over."

Nathan nodded, though he averted his eyes. He felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder. It was a touch he was very familiar with. He didn't greet his friend with words, as the only thing that came to mind were platitudes that Gabriel would see through. Instead, Nathan simply turned and embraced his friend.

Gabriel returned the hug silently. His friend's arms offered more comfort than any words could. He was grateful that his friend was here, even if serving as a casket bearer meant that Gabe could not be at his side during the funeral. Having his friend's company during the ride from Brookfield to Clearwater had been invaluable, as was knowing that if he needed someone to talk to tonight he would be able to seek out Gabe. As much as he valued Bill these days, his bond with Gabriel was different.

Eventually the friends released one another. "I have already paid my respects to the Novak family. I promised Lillian that I would get back as soon as I could to give Eleanor a hand with the children this afternoon while Lillian and Grace are at a baby shower for Daisy Clay, so I really should go. Are you going to be alright, Nathan?"

Nathan nodded. "Go ahead," he told his friend. "You are needed in Brookfield. I will see you tonight."

"I will look out for him," Bill said from his position behind Nathan.

"Good," Gabriel said. He shook hands with both Nathan and Bill before joining the flow of people leaving the cemetery.

"Let me know when you are ready," Bill said.

Nathan knew exactly what his friend meant. Part of him had been dreading paying his respects to Mrs. Novak. Though he had already reached out to Sergeant Franklin Novak, he had not reached out to the Novak boys' mother. Part of him was worried that in her grief the woman would blame him for her son's death.

"I do not think I will ever feel ready, Bill," Nathan told him. "Let's just get this over with."

Bill reached out and clapped him on the shoulder as they both moved toward the casket and the grieving family. Nathan gave Sergeant Franklin Novak a salute as he stepped up to him. Franklin returned the salute and then exchanged condolences with Nathan and Bill. As they moved their attention to Mrs. Novak, Nathan was relieved that Bill took the lead in the conversation as soon as Nathan had uttered the words "I am sorry for your loss".

"The two of you were there that day, weren't you?" Veronica asked, a hint of what sounded like hopefulness to Nathan in her voice.

Nathan felt icy dread in the pit of his stomach. He steeled himself for an accusation from the grieving mother, but he let Bill reply.

"We were," Bill confirmed.

"Can you tell me how Erik died?" The woman asked. "They won't give me the details. They say it is because it is still under investigation."

"I have been allowed to give more details in notifications I have made to families where the matter was still being investigated then what we have received," Franklin added.

"All they will tell me is that Erik was shot by a suspect during a prisoner transfer. Did Erik do something wrong? Is that why they won't say anything?"

Bill sighed. "Mrs. Novak, while I think your son's actions may have been dictated by his inexperience, he did not do anything wrong," the judge said tactfully. "As for further details, if the Mounties are not giving you details, I would rather nothing further be said with Constable Grant here. If you would like, I will meet with you privately and answer any questions you would like me to. As the Mounties have not asked for my silence on the matter specifically, and I am no longer under contract, I have no worries about repercussions against myself."

"Could you have dinner with us tonight, Judge Avery?" the woman asked.

Bill nodded. He got the Novak's address and arranged a time for dinner, and then Nathan and Bill headed for the gate of the cemetery.

"Is this a good idea, Bill?" Nathan asked quietly.

"I am not sure," Bill admitted. "The secrecy is unusual, especially giving no official directives for us to remain silent about the situation. Still, if someone wants this kept quiet, then I would rather keep you out of it. I am going to get a room at the Clearwater hotel tonight to go to after dinner with the Novak's. Are you going to be all right to make the ride to Brookfield alone?"

"I will be fine, Bill," Nathan assured him. "I will send a telegram to you at the hotel when I get to Brookfield so you don't stay up all night worrying. I know you need sleep at your age," he kidded.

"You had better not be trying to call me old," Bill warned him, a hint of amusement in his voice. "I will come with you to the livery to get Newton ready."

Nathan nodded. Even if he didn't want Bill's company, he knew the man would not leave his side until he was on Newton and headed toward Brookfield.