Louise's wand hand shook. It was time to do or die. Or… not die, but be sent back home as a failure, which was even worse. Please…

"My servant, that exists somewhere in this universe!"

Please be something that I can show up Kirche with.

"My divine, beautiful, and powerful familiar!"

Please don't be another explosion.

"I wish and assert from the bottom of my heart…"

Please show them that I'm not a zero.

"Answer my guidance!"

For a moment, there was nothing. Then there was an explosion. Then, from the dust cloud…

There was music.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOH YES."

The music was not like any that Louise had heard. Rather than crisp, serious violins, or a beautiful, light piano, the noise shook the land around her. It did not merely state; it declared its existence without a doubt.

Here was her divine, beautiful, and powerful familiar…

…A tall, bald, shirtless, and ridiculously muscular man wearing strangely rounded, dark spectacles. His torso and arms were thoroughly tattooed with what Louis recognized as musical symbols.

What.

He looked around for a moment as the music fell, and then his eyes… were probably on her. It was hard to tell with his weird spectacles. He grinned. "So it was you. And you are…?"

She continued to stare, unspeaking, until whispers started spreading. "Did Louise… just summon a commoner?"

"A really yummy-looking commoner," Louise heard Kirche whisper back.

Familiar, well-learned protocol had her back straighten. It was time to take control of the situation. "I… must have made some mistake. Mr. Colbert, can I do the ritual again?"

Colbert shook his head. "That would be blasphemy against the ritual itself. Whether you like it or not, this… man… is your familiar. Please, finish the ritual."

Louise grimaced, then walked straight up to her new… familiar. He had been idly smiling at her this whole time, and it was beginning to creep her out. Just her luck that she'd get the creepy one. "You. You are lucky. Be thankful, because normally a commoner would never receive this from a noble."

"Oh?"

Louise glared at him for a few moments and then muttered something.

"Hm?" The man leaned forwards a little. "Did you say something?"

"I said kneel down, peasant! How do you think I can complete the ritual with your freakish height?!"

He chuckled and kneeled down. "Very well? And tell me, what are you doing?"

Louise didn't answer. She'd scold him for his impudence later. "Pentagon that rules the five powers, bless this individual and make him my familiar." She kissed him on the mouth quickly, then retreated a few steps.

He looked down at her, seemingly confused, then grabbed his arm. She could see the shape of the familiar runes glowing against his hand, over a tattoo of a few notes in measure. They glowed brightly, then softly, and continued to fluctuate before cooling. When they were done, though, they were barely visible.

Louise shook her head. It doesn't matter. He's still a commoner. Kirche and the rest won't ever let this go. Distantly, she heard Colbert call the ritual to an end and the sounds of the other students leaving. It didn't matter. She was going to have to live with this.

"Your name?" the brute asked.

"…Louise de la Valliere."

The small trill of a flute started playing from… somewhere. "Nice to meet you. I am The Musician."

She looked up at him. "What musician?"

"The Musician. That is the only name I have ever had and ever will. You may call me Musician."

Louise took an angry step towards him. "If I want to, I will call you dog! I am your master, and you are my familiar! My servant!"

The Musician shrugged and grinned. "As you wish, my Lady."

And though he agreed, Louise couldn't help but feel that he was being impertinent.

Louise sent him off to do laundry. He stepped out, closed the door, opened the door, and stepped back in. And somehow, somehow… in that one second the door was closed, the laundry had become clean. Louise had checked. Double-checked. Triple-checked. The laundry was clean.

She sat on her bed, wearing only her nightgown, looking at the overly-muscled commoner bard in the corner of her room.

Somewhere that she couldn't tell from, a banjo was faintly playing a comedic tune.

None of this made sense.

"…Familiar, get me a new pitcher of water."

"As you wish."

He stepped out, closed the door, opened the door, and stepped back in. And somehow, somehow, he had a pitcher in hand.

HOW?!

There was no magic that could do that in that amount of time! That's it, she was getting to the bottom of this.

"Familiar, clean the floor! I want it waxed and polished, right now!"

"You got it."

He leaned down and poked the floor, then stood back up.

…

Louise looked down. The floor shined under candlelight. Louise looked down under her bed. Even with the servants periodically cleaning, there was always some hair, or dust, or something. But now there wasn't. She touched the floor with her hand. It felt like the top of her dressing table. Like she could write, or even eat on it.

…

"I'm going to bed. You sleep down there." She pointed at the pile of hay next to her bed. "Don't try anything funny."

"I would never dare to sully my Lady in any manner!" Musician declared, sitting cross-legged in the pile of hay.

She wasn't sure what disturbed her more, his apparent abilities, or his obedience. Either way, she didn't get much sleep that night, afraid that he would do something else.

The banjo playing merrily in the background didn't help.

Exhausted and unsettled, Louise sent her familiar outside to eat with the rest of the familiars. In a way, she was glad to see the faces of Tabitha, Kirche, even Guiche. It meant that she could get a small break from him.

The more she thought about it, the stranger The Musician was. If he was truly a random commoner transported here from the middle of nowhere, why was it that he seemed completely at ease? Wouldn't he have at least asked where he was? Why he was here? Even commoners had to have family, so why hadn't he asked about seeing them?

Yes, it was a commoner's duty to serve the nobility, but she would have expected him to try to rebel in… any way at all. Commoners were sometimes uppity like that. Even since she summoned him, she had come up with plans to keep him under control. She could hardly stand to have a commoner as a familiar, much less one who didn't listen to her.

But he never tried to disobey, escape, or argue with her. Instead, he smiled like a loon and did whatever she asked, all the while some infernal music played from somewhere she couldn't find.

Speaking of music… was that some sort of horn?

Louise rushed outside, finding her familiar standing casually in front of an irate Guiche. "If you want my respect, boy, you're gonna have to earn it."

No.

"Very well," Guiche said, a malicious smile on his face. "I challenge you to a duel. I will be waiting at Vestori Square."

No, no, no.

"See ya there, boy. Make sure not to accidentally cheat on anyone else on the way out." The music punctuated the sentence, the weirdly buzzy horn tooting several times.

She was going to lose her familiar! She was going to lose the only proof she was even a magician!

"MUSICIAN!" He turned to look at her. "What. Did. You. DO?!"

"I helped a young lady find her suitor. Turns out he already had one of those. Hope he gets a refund."

Louise stared at him for a moment, before a most-unladylike noise came from her mouth, a mix of a laugh, a snort, and a panicked cry. "Why?" She fell to her knees, uncaring of how her uniform was dirtied. "Why me? Why did I have to get… you as my familiar?"

The Musician only smiled, as he always did. "I did some reading earlier. The familiar fits the mage. You know that, right?"

A violin swelled somewhere in the distance. "Of course I know that!"

"A powerful mage gains a powerful familiar. You've always wanted that, right?"

"How did you-"

"I listened. Musicians have good ears, you know? I know what they call you and what they say about you. And I saw how you reacted. It is obvious you have something to live up to. A legacy? A family name? An idol? It doesn't matter, Louise de la Valliere."

"It… doesn't? Of course it-"

"No. The familiar fits the mage, so the mage must fit the familiar. Let me show you just what kind of mage you are, my Lady."

He was mad. He would get himself killed. She would be back to square one… no, square zero. All because her familiar… wanted to show off? No. Wanted her to see what it meant to be the familiar of zero?

All it meant was that her familiar would die.

"Please do not beg for my sake. You are a noble, my Lady. Please act like one."

Louise temper flared. "Fine! Get yourself killed! See what I care!" She stomped off to the side, but she couldn't just leave. As absolutely frustrating as he was being, she needed to be there, to stop Guiche if he took it too far. She couldn't use magic, but she could do something.

Oh, who was she kidding. This was only going to end one way.

The Musician stood, hand on one hip and gestured towards Guiche with an axe that she didn't even know he had. "Well?"

Guiche nodded. "The duel has begun." He waved his wand, and a petal struck the floor, creating a creature of brass. "I am named Guiche the Brass. Therefore, a brass golem, a Valkyrie, shall be your opponent."

Musician didn't move. "Cute."

Guiche glared, and then the Valkyrie rushed forwards, striking Musician in the stomach.

Musician still didn't move, to everyone's shock. "My turn? Well then. Let the music play!"

The axe came down, a fast and crazy song started playing on invisible instruments, and with a screeching noise Musician cratered the Valkyrie with an audible crunch.

Louise stared.

Guiche stared.

Tabitha stared.

Montmorency stared.

Kirche stared.

The Musician was dancing, kicking the Valkyrie's remains away while moving his body to the rhythm.

"Oh Founder," Louise said, too embarrassed to watch but too fascinated to look away.

"Oh, Founder~," Kirche said, watching as the man's muscles rippled.

Musician winked at her then looked back at Guiche, never once staying still. "Got anything else, boyo?"

Guiche immediately waved his wand again, summoning four Valkyries. Somehow, though, Louise was sure it wouldn't matter.

She was right.

Gracefully, without hesitation, and still dancing, The Musician demolished the golems one-by-one, reducing them to scrap. "The familiar fits the mage. The mage fits the familiar," he said, as if he were merely taking out the trash. "I am the familiar of Louise de la Valliere. Her equal. Her perfect match. You call her Zero. But if she is nothing, you are less than nothing."

He decapitated the last golem. "You fools…" He slammed his axe into the space next to Guiche's head. "You don't think, do you?"

The music steadily faded out, and Musician walked back towards Louise in front of a silent crowd. "Do you see now, my Lady?"

She grabbed him by the wrist and ran towards her room. He smiled all the while.

"What are you?"

"I beg your pardon, my Lady?"

"You are not human. Are you some sort of mage? That didn't look like magic. Some sort of angel sent from heaven, then?"

He laughed. "No, I'm not an angel."

"Oh, good." Louise was relieved that at least he wasn't anything so ridiculous as that. How could she possibly live up to a familiar of that level of power?

"I'm a god."

…

"What."

He sat down on her bed—the nerve!—and his everpresent smile finally changed to something less damned happy. "Let us start over. I am The Musician, god of music and revelry. And yesterday, I heard someone call across the void between realms for someone 'divine, beautiful, and powerful.' As I meet all three requirements, I came to see you, and here we are!"

She could only stare at him with a mix of exasperation and horror as a ukulele played in the background.

A/N: Familiar of Zero is a playground. Anything that can be summoned, will be summoned. Including an overpowered, insane, and bizarre deity OC who usually inhabits a world with characters as powerful as he is.

I don't really plan to do anything more with this beyond the one chapter. I just wanted to get the idea out.