Inside of the Sanctum of Tranquility, the air was cool, and moist thanks to the little humidifier that hummed away in the corner. Here, it was safe, and mostly free of sand and dust. There were no twin Hell Orbs attempting to scour all life from this forsaken pile of sand and rocks. There were no deadly desert beasts that could kill you in a variety of wasys. There were no insane aliens trying to blow everyone up with their mad plans.
And most importantly, there was no aunt and uncle harping on anyone to do any work.
What there was was a vast collection of miniature spaceships from across galactic history; everything from a Modern Imperial Star Destroyer II to an antiquated Hammerhead Class Cruiser from 4000 years ago. Each meticulously painted and crafted, complete with battle damage. In some cases, there were even miniature electronics installed as well as doors that opened and shut, with strike fighters inside of them.
The door to the Sanctum of Tranquility clanged, and the occupant looked up from his latest project: a Correllian YT-1300 Freighter. "What? I'm busy."
"Get your ass out here right now, young man! You've got work to do! The moisture vaporators on the south side are acting up again, and I need you to get out there and check on them," a gruff voice growled.
"So? Get a droid to do it. That's what we buy them for!"
There was indistinct muttering of the colorful kind, followed by, "If you don't get out here and get to work, I swear I'm kicking you out and making you walk across the desert to Anchorhead, or selling you to those damn scavengers!"
Sighing, the young man in the room got up and stalked over to his door, opening it and finding his read faced uncle on the other side. "Yeah, yeah, fine. Freaking slave driver."
Veins bulged in the older man's forehead, and he scowled. "Slave driver!? I swear, I should sell you to the Hutts and THEN you would know what a real slave driver is! I just want you to at least contribute something!"
There was a further argument, but the young man walked outside, into the hot desert air. Thankfully, only one of the twin suns were up this late in the evening, and the young man hiked over to his speeder. He looked around, the motioned for one of the various droids that wandered about the moisture farm. "Hey, R5, get over here, we've got work to do."
The droid beeped, then tried to roll forward. However, it didn't get far, one of its wheels catching. It whistled, then hobbled forward on its legs.
"Oh come on! I just fixed you like yesterday. Ugh, I hate this damn sand, makes my life so much harder. I swear, if Uncle Owen wasn't such a damn cheap skate, he'd buy proper droids instead of you R5 pieces of junk!"
"Kazuma, don't talk about your uncle that way," a woman scolded, walking by and tsking at him. "We buy what we can afford."
"Yes, Aunt Beru," Kazuma muttered. He turned back to the droid. "Come on! Time's wasting."
It took Kazuma until well after dark to get the moisture vaporator fixed, cursing all the while at how useless the droid was, as it could hardly move at this point. He looked up at the sky in frustration, then frowned. There were unusual flashes of light in the blackness, high up above the atmosphere. He pulled out his macrobinoculars, scanning the sky.
"E chu ta, that's an ISD! Hmm, which one though…" Kazuma carefully examined the Imperial ship, muttering to himself.
"Hmm, that battle damage there looks new, but that older repair work…it's definitely a newer Imperial I-Class…but those turbolasers have been retrofitted…could be the Lawbringer …no …no I think that's the Devastator. Hot Vape! That's Vader's flagship! What's HE doing out here? Oh man, the guys are gonna be so stoked when I tell them! I gotta record this! Wait…oh man, it's got a captured ship in the hanger! Oh this is so going out on the holonet!"
Rather pleased with himself, Kazuma headed back to the homestead, though it was halfway through the short four hour night already. Instead of going to fix the droid or even eat dinner, Kazuma jumped onto his holo-net terminal, eagerly uploading his footage to the Holonet and eagerly bragging about the battle he had witnessed between the Devastator and a rebel CR90 Corvette.
So in the morning, awoke to find that the R5's leg was nearly unsalvageable, so worn was the gear.
"Ah bantha poodo. I'm going to catch flack for this," Kazuma sighed. Then he had an idea.
"Yo, Uncle, the R5 is acting up again. I'm going to take it to get fixed. But, I was thinking. Those moisture vaporators we got off the crazies all speak bocce, and we don't have any droids that know it. Maybe I could pick up a couple that do. Make things a lot easier," Kazuma told his uncle.
Owen looked out from underneath the moisture condenser he was working on the underside of, his face stained with oil and grease.
"What? Oh. I was thinking of getting some new droids for just that reason. I fixed that R5's leg just a week ago, what'd you do to it? No, never mind. Fine. Get 10,000 credits from your aunt. And I want at least two droids! One damn well better speak Bocce. Don't go blowing it all on your toy ships."
"They're not toys, they're MODELS," Kazuma muttered under his breath, but he smiled and nodded, and got the money.
"Oh yeah, I can pick up some junk droids and get that new class of ISD with the leftovers!" Happily, Kazuma loaded up the R5 onto his speeder, then picked up the comm.
"Yo, this is Desert Eagle, calling Red Menace."
There was static for a few moments, then a voice said, "Who dares call upon the ancient and powerful knowledge of-"
Kazuma sighed and clicked it back on. "Come on, I just need to know where you are, not get a damn speech."
"We are amidst shifting dunes, foes all around us, hidden secrets all-"
Kazuma clicked the comm back on. "Hey, Princess, you there? Can you just tell me where you are? I need to buy some stuff."
"HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT- HEY, NO, HE'S TALKING TO ME, DON'T JUST-"
"Um, w-we're at grid point 07-B-12. Y-you can come over if you promise t-to be my-"
"Sweet, be there in half an hour or so," Kazuma said, talking over the timid voice. "And yes, I have money."
It was annoying driving through the desert, but Kazuma thought happily of how he could bilk the wackos, then use the rest of the cash to order that awesome new kit. It was supposed to be over 8 times as large as a regular ISD, which meant he'd need more paint. Hmm, maybe some brushes too? Perhaps he could use the old R5 in trade…
It wasn't hard to find what Kazuma was looking for: a large, ancient mining crawler, trundling across the dunes. It was pretty easy to tell it was the one he was looking for: it was painted in bright, garish paint, and was festooned with spikes, bantha skulls, and plundered gaffe sticks from the poor Sand People who hadn't been fast enough to run away. There was even a dead Krayt Dragon's skull mounted on the front. Talk about tacky.
Kazuma pulled up the speeder when he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. "Yo, it's me. Here to trade and buy."
"Who is this 'me,' you speak of? Are you a stranger, here to threaten our fortress, or perhaps a wandering mystic, with forbidden-"
Kazuma rolled his eyes. "Shikobei, you know it's me. Come on, I called Yunyun and Megumin and told them I was on my way. They had to have told you."
A humanoid figure in a dark robe popped up from behind a boulder, posing dramatically as two glowing eyes peered out from the dark cowl. "Ha! So you claim! But you could be anyone, wearing Kazuma Skywalker's face! Tell me something only he would know!"
"Arue has the biggest cup size of any of you nutters, and it drives Megumin absolutely up the wall since she's got the smallest of any of the girls her age."
The man in the robe lowered the hood, glaring at Kazuma. He looked human enough, on the surface, but he was just a bit shorter than the average human, and he had deep crimson eyes that no actual human would. And, like most Crimson Demons, he was completely nuts. "Oh come on, anyone could know that! Tell me some sort of deep, Dark Secret, or at least do a proper greeting!"
Sighing, Kazuma got up on the hood of his speeder and did a half-hearted pose. "Yo, I'm Kazuma, foremost modeler of the Skywalker Clan, he who will one day, I dunno, kill the Emperor or something."
"Hmph. That's not really a proper greeting, but…" the man jumped up on top of the bolder, making an impossible leap for someone of his stature. Weirdos. "BEHOLD! I AM SHIKOBEI, FOREMOST SANDFISHER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND HE WHO WILL ONE DAY CATCH A KRAYT DRAGON!"
"Uh huh. Do I have permission to pass?" Kazuma asked, hopping back into his speeder's seat.
"Yes. Today, the Password is 'Deep Moonlight Upon Still Waters.'"
"That's too complicated. I'm just going to say Moonlight."
"You have no understanding of how important a proper password is. Off with you! By the time you next hear from me, I shall have already perished!"
"That doesn't even make any sense…"
Kazuma drove up to the sand crawler, which helpfully stopped for him. He pulled up, and a hatch opened, a small girl's head poking out. "Hi! You hafta feed me, or you can't come in."
"I thought I was just supposed to give you the password. It's Moonlight," Kazuma protested, feigning confusion and hiding a grin.
The girl firmly shook her head. "Nuh-uh. Passwords are cool, but food is better! No food, no entrance!"
"Well, all I have is this blue milk mochi aunt Beru made…" Kazuma said, holding up a small container with blue tinged cubes within.
"BLUE MILK MOCHI!? That's my favorite!" the girl cried, and hastily lowered the ramp. She jumped down, her tattered robe flapping behind her. Kazuma managed to catch her, grunting as he did so.
"Oof. Someday, you're going to get too heavy to do that, Komekko," Kazuma said, setting the girl in the seat beside him and passing her the container of mochi.
"Yeah, but not today! Thanks for the food!" then Komekko began to inhale the dessert as fast as she could, barely pausing to breathe or chew as she did so.
Kazuma shrugged, then got out of his speeder, motioning to the R5 droid. "Come on, you hunk of scrap."
The R5 whistled mournfully, then tried to clamber out. It ended up falling out of the speeder head first, where it then toppled over and lay still.
"That's not a very good droid," Komekko observed, wiping her mouth with her sleeve and peering over at the broken robot.
"Yeah, yeah. Ugh. Just leave it. I guess I can trade it in for scrap…"
Komekko nodded, going back to her treat. "OK!"
Kazuma headed up the ramp into the inside of the crawler, which was decorated to look like the interior of an ancient tomb. He hurried along, trying to avoid more Crimson Demons so he wouldn't have to do another ridiculous introduction, despite the fact that he knew all of them anyway.
He found the compartment at the back of the crawler he was looking for, a workshop scattered with droid parts, as well as various warheads he edged past with caution. You never knew when one would just blow up.
"HALT, INTRUDER! WHO DARES INVADE THE WORKSHOP OF THE FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN!" a loud voice yelled right in Kazuma's ear, making him jump back and bump into an old Republic torpedo.
"Oh for crying out loud, don't DO that Megumin, you'll make me go deaf!" Kazuma complained, rubbing his ear and glaring at the short girl who was grinning up at him.
"Ha! You must always be prepared for battle, Kazuma, you should have learned that already!" Megumin said smugly, folding her arms over her chest. She had on her eye patch, as usual, though Kazuma knew perfectly well she had both eyes. She was wearing her red jumpsuit with odd embroidery along it, complete with the various grease stains from her efforts. "Now, what sort of weapons are you here to purchase?"
"I don't want any weapons, those stupid moisture vaporators you idiots sold us only communicate in bocce! We don't have any droids that speak bocce! I need a couple that do," Kazuma explained.
"Hmph. Bocce is much cooler than other programming languages," Megumin sniffed. She stretched a hand out towards her work bench, and the data pad there shifted, then jumped into her hand.
"Don't DO that!" Kazuma complained, glaring at her. "That weird stuff is going to get you all killed some day and you know it!"
"We refuse to obey the ridiculous decrees of the Empire!" Megumin declared, then shrugged. "Besides, we're not jedi or anything. It's too bad, I'd like to fight a Jedi! I bet they would be a proper challenge, and more interesting than sand people."
Before Kazuma could point out that the Empire tended to have a policy of "shoot first, ask questions never" when it came to people breaking the law, another Crimson Demon girl poked her head into the cramped workshop. "M-Megumin, is-oh! Kazuma, you're here!"
"Hey, what's up, Yunyun. I need some droids," Kazuma said, nodding as the new girl hurried into the compartment.
Yunyun seemed to deflate slightly. "O-oh. Um, then…you're not here to…Um, well…we could sell you some droids…"
"Super. I need a couple that speak bocce," Kazuma said.
"We don't have any droids that speak bocce," Megumin said, tossing her data pad back to her workbench and floating it down gently with a few absent twitches of her fingers.
"WHAT!? You said it was the coolest language!? Why don't you have any droids that speak bocce!?" Kazuma demanded.
Yunyun winced. "Um, well…bocce is really complicated…and old. It's hard to find a droid that knows it…and it takes a really long time to program one…oh! But we did just find two new droids! A-and maybe they can speak bocce!"
"I am not buying some droids you stole off the hutts! Maybe YOU people don't have to worry about a bunch of gamorrean thugs busting down your doors, but we would!" Kazuma declared.
"Hey! We didn't steal these droids…this time. They were just wandering around in the desert, so we picked them up," Megumin huffed. "They surely have a cool and mysterious backstory! Perhaps they were used by the rebels in a secret operation, carrying hidden messages for an exiled-"
"I'm not paying extra for a mysterious backstory," Kazuma said flatly. "Only for droids that speak bocce."
"W-well…I can show them to you…they're down in the hold," Yunyun said. "But…you could stay for dinner tomorrow! Um, it c-could be fun…"
Kazuma blinked. "Why would I stay for dinner tomorrow?"
Deflating, Yunyun turned around and trudged towards the hold, looking downcast.
"Ok, what's eating her," Kazuma whispered to Megumin.
"It's her birthday. She thinks we've forgotten about it," Megumin said smugly.
"What? Oh, poodo! You're right. Why didn't you tell me!? I'd have gotten her…I dunno, something. How can you forget your best friend's birthday, Megumin!?"
"She's not my best friend, she's my rival!" Megumin huffed. Then she blushed slightly. "Um, we're planning her a surprise party…"
"You know that Yunyun hates surprise parties, right?"
"A surprise party is more interesting and dramatic!"
"Yeah, no."
Kazuma hurried up to Yunyun, who was still walking along dejectedly in the narrow corridor. He had to duck slightly; he was quite a bit taller than your average Crimson Demon, who were universally a good 10-20 centimeters shorter than most humans. "So, um, I know it's your birthday tomorrow and all…"
"You do!?" Yunyun gasped, whirling about, her cheeks flushed in excitement. "I-I thought everyone had forgotten!"
Kazuma blushed and glanced away. It was hard to tell because all the Crimson Demons wore those bulky robes most of the time, but Yunyun was actually quite stacked. Not as much as Arue, but the shy girl was quite pretty. Unnaturally so, even. Actually, all the Crimson Demons were extremely attractive.
It was a fairly common con for a Crimson Demon to go into Mos Eisley or Anchorhead and find a spacer with money, then lead them along and get them to buy the Crimson Demons things as the spacer tried to get into their pants. How long this lasted depended on how horny the spacer was and how long it took them to realize what every native of Tatooine knew: Crimson Demons were universally nuts, and very, very few people were insane enough to actually want to date one, let alone bed one.
Kazuma, however, was extremely odd, and figured he could do worse than dating a Crimson Demon. It wasn't like any of the other girls around would look at him twice. Not after the…Incident.
Which was definitely a complete misunderstanding and not his fault at all.
"Er, yeah. And since you're turning 18 and all, I thought, what the heck, let's go to Tosche Station and party! Um, I've got some money so…I'll spring for dinner."
"R-really?! L-like a…" Yunyun blushed, looking down.
Kazuma's heart was pounding. Had he actually successfully asked a girl on a date? Would he finally lose the title of Virginwalker and Loserma, and finally become a real-
"-f-friend?!" Yunyun gasped, her red eyes glowing with happiness as she looked up at Kazuma. "C-can Megumin come!? A-and all my other friends too!"
"You don't have any other friends than me. And maybe Kazuma," Megumin said bluntly, strolling up and looking disgruntled. "Because you're a loner and a loser. Sort of like Kazuma."
"Hey, I ain't rich! I can't buy dinner for the whole clan!" Kazuma yipped.
"O-oh. Um, well…m-maybe Arue, or Funifura, or-"
"Komekko will come if there's food, but no one else cares," Megumin said with a shrug.
"Dinner with three friends, this is the best birthday ever!" Yunyun gasped. "C-come on, Kazuma! I-I'll give you a discount on the droids, b-because you're my friend!"
Success! Even if he wouldn't have enough for that model, now. Well, he'd just get Biggs or some of the other suckers to play Pazaak with him, earn some credits that way. And he'd brag he went on a date with two girls! Even if they were Crimson Demons. And one of them brought her kid sister.
Kark, he was never getting a date.
Down in the hold, Kazuma was surprised to find a protocol droid in rather good shape, along with an older R2 astromech droid, but one that looked in shockingly good condition.
"Eh, these ones are old. I don't know if they're worth anything," Kazuma said, frowning at the golden protocol droid.
"Oh, I assure you, young master, I am in perfect working order!" the protocol droid said, bowing slightly. "I am C3PO, human-"
"Eh, it works, but can it speak bocce?" Kazuma said, shrugging. "If he can't, I'll need-"
"Oh, sir! I am fluent in over six million forms of communication," the droid burbled, apparently unable to tell when to shut up and let Kazuma get a good bargain. "I am quite fluent in bocce, it's like a second language to me! Why, one of my former masters-"
"Yeah yeah, OK, so this one's OK," Kazuma said dismissively, turning his back on the protocol droid. "But that R2's old. Does it even work?"
"Of course! It is an ancient and noble droid, one that has seen its way through myriad conflict!" Megumin bragged, going over and thumping the top of the droid as she grinned widely.
"Um, we just finished cleaning them…they do work! But, um, I'm having a hard time putting a restraining bolt on the R2," Yunyun admitted. "H-he says he doesn't like it…"
"Who cares? I want one with a bolt so he doesn't wander off and get jacked by you guys or worse, the Sand People," Kazuma said, squatting before the droid. He poked at it. "Hey, you got any actual secrets? Like a way off this dirtball?"
The droid whistled and beeped, though Kazuma had no idea what it meant. The Crimson Demons claimed to understand droids, but they were also crazy.
"He says that he is the bearer of a message of critical importance!" Megumin declared. She shoved Kazuma out of the way, eagerly squatting in front of the droid. "Tell us your secrets, noble messenger! I, Megumin of the Crimson Demon Clan, swear to aid you in your quest!"
"Um, M-Megumin…we need the money…m-mostly because you blew up those power converters last time we were in Anchorhead…" Yunyun stammered.
"Hmph, they were unstable, I did everyone a favor! Besides, it was a very small explosion, hardly one worthy of the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan!" Megumin sniffed. She leaned closer to the R2. "Come, reveal your secrets! What are they? A way to overthrow the Empire!? A hidden jedi who needs our aid!? Or, perhaps, the plans for an incredible weapon!"
The droid jerked away from Megumin, looking startled despite being basically a tin can on rollers.
"Ignore her, she spouts nonsense like that all the time," Kazuma told the droid. "Now, can you speak bocce?"
"Oh yes, sir, I have worked with this R2 unit before!" C3PO said, coming up behind Kazuma. "He is quite useful, if a bit obstinate. I promise you sir, he can both speak bocce and fix equipment in a most splendid fashion!"
"Super. I'll take them. 3000 credits for both should do it," Kazuma said, standing.
"WHAT?! They're each worth twice that!" Megumin protested. "You're trying to rob us! 12000 credits!"
"Now you're trying to rob me! Fine, I'll give you 2000, each. Four thousand."
The two friends began to bicker over the price, shouting blandishments and imprications that would have started a fight if they hadn't known one another since childhood.
The R2 beeped, and Yunyun gave it a gentle pat. "D-don't worry, we can still be friends! Um, Kazuma's not too bad, f-for an outside. You'll get to work on his u-uncle's moisture farm! Um, that's really important, b-because we all need water."
The droid whistled and beeped as Kazuma and Megumin continued to haggle loudly, and Yunyun frowned at the R2. "S-secret message? Um, I don't think Mr. Lars would care about that…he hates leaving his farm…B-but Crimson Demons do like dark secrets…"
The droid's head rotated between Kazuma and Megumin, then up at Yunyun, who gave it an encouraging smile.
With a long, low whistle like a sigh, the droid popped out its holo projector, and an image began to play.
"Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi-"
Kazuma blinked and collapsed a hand to Megumin's mouth, much to her outrage and indignation. "Shhh, the droids doing something!"
"-as these horrible, wicked stormtroopers are about imprison me, and torture me, and do all sorts of unspeakable things to me! Oh, yes, as a princess I will be most cruelly treated and-"
The recording cut off, and the distorted image vanished.
"Wait, hold up, what was THAT?" Kazuma demanded eagerly crouching before the droid as Megumin scrambled beside him. "Do you really have some sort of secret message?"
"Oh, surely not, sir. That was probably just some junk data. Pay no mind to my diminutive counterpart," C3PO said, waving his arms frantically and hurrying over. "We've had so many masters over the years, and-"
"No, no, play it again. Can you show us who it was? She sounded hot," Kazuma urged.
"Pervert," Megumin muttered.
"S-she says she's in trouble! W-we have to help her!" Yunyun said urgently.
The droid beeped, then it played the recording again. This time, the image flicked, then resolved into the form of a beautiful woman with her hair in two weird braids at the side of her head, dressed in a white robe. "Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi! As these horrible, wicked stormtroopers are about imprison me, and torture me, and do all sorts of unspeakable things to me! Oh, yes, as a princess I will be most cruelly treated and-"
"Play more, play more!" Kazuma and Megumin urged.
"He says that's all there is, the message is corrupted," C3PO said hastily, though the R2 hadn't made a sound.
"No he didn't, don't lie! I can speak astromech, like any Crimson Demon!" Megumin huffed.
"Oh, we can fix him!" Yunyun said eagerly, and stretched her hand to the tools hanging from a far wall. One of them flew off, flying to her hand. "I-I'm a really good mechanic, s-so is Megumin!"
The R2 suddenly beeped and whistled widely, rocking back and forth, while C3PO gasped. "Oh! Thank the Maker! Are…are you a jedi, young mistress?"
"Um, I-I'm just-"
"Yes!" Megumin stood up and posed, raising her arms and causing a storm of parts to whirl around her. "BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN, FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE JEDI ORDER, AND THIS IS MY APPRENTICE, YUNYUN!"
Kazuma sighed. They were so going to get killed by the Empire someday.
Hopefully one of them would at least go on a date with him first.
"In that case…I am C3PO, and this is my counterpart, R2D2," the protocol droid said, bowing deeply. "My companion and I are on a mission of some importance, sent by Princess Lala-"
R2D2 beeped loudly, rocking itself to bump C3PO.
"Oh, how rude! Yes, I know her highness doesn't like to be called by her formal name, but this is a dire situation, you know that!" C3PO chided.
"That was a princess!? I bet she's rich!" Kazuma cried. "Oh man, were you in that battle I saw last night, with the Devastator? Wait…does that mean…Was it VADER who captured the Princess!?" Kazuam demanded.
"Wait, Vader's here!?" Megumin demanded. Her eyes glowed in excitement, and her fists clenched in eager anticipation.
"I'm afraid so. We were barely able to escape…we were sent her by Princess La-Oh, very well! By Princess Oregana to find an old acquaintance of her father, who can aid us in a mission of some import," C3PO explained, and R2D2 beeped in agreement.
"Eh…I dunno…" Kazuma hedged.
"As a Jedi, it is my DUTY to save this princess!" Megumin declared. She paused, then leaned close to Kazuma. "Princesses are rich, right?"
"Loaded."
"Perfect!" Megumin leaned towards the droids, a mad grin on her face. "We will aid you in your mission, and rescue the princess!"
"S-she looks nice! I-I bet she'll be my friend!" Yunyun agreed.
C3PO looked back and forth between the madwomen, then nodded. "Very well. We are searching for Obi-Wan Kenobi…"
Kazuma listened with only half an ear. A princess? Rescuing her sounded way too hard, but maybe they could find this Obi-Wan guy and sell the droids to him for a huge score and make off with the money. Then, he could have enough money to get a real girlfriend!
Preferably not a crazy Crimson Demon one with weird powers.
Authors Note:
This is an other commissioned story, this time by magus1108!