Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
S. 2, Ep. 1
"Kevin's Obsession"
written by
WildDogJJ
Thompson House, day...
Kevin, Jim, Chuck and Jamie were seated on the front porch enjoying the late summer day while drinking beer. Kevin, as usual, was also smoking a cigarette. He looks at Jim's house next door. Taking a drag on his smoke he marvels at how wonderful Jim's lawn looks.
"Hey, Jim," he said, "Can I borrow your lawn mower?"
Jim flatly said "No."
"Why not?" asked a disappointed Kevin.
Jim said "Because the last time I lent you my mower you returned it with dinged blades and I had to have the electrical system repaired because you spilled beer on the control panel."
Kevin next turned to Jamie.
"Hey, can I borrow your lawn mower?"
"No," said Jamie, "For the same reasons Jim won't lend you his."
He tries Chuck next.
"Upchuck, can I..."
Chuck doesn't even let him finish.
"No, and don't call me Upchuck. Besides, I don't own a lawn mower. Stacy and I have a professional service do our lawn."
Kevin was genuinely surprised at this.
"You can pay someone else to mow your lawn!? Cool!"
The other three guys rolled their eyes in disbelief.
Thompson's living room, the following afternoon...
Kevin was trying to convince his wife, Brittany, to pay for a lawn care service.
"Absolutely not, Kevie," she said.
Dejected, Kevin asked "Why not, babe?"
Brittany explained "Because between paying the bills and putting aside for the kids college funds my paycheck is stretched as far as it can go."
"But, babe," Kevin whined, "I'm saving my money from clown gigs to buy a new car."
Brittany was adamant. "Sorry," she said, "But you'll have to spend it on a lawn mower instead."
"Aw, Man!"
Kevin grabbed his car keys.
"I'm off to buy a lawn mower. I'll probably be gone all afternoon. Later, Babe."
Brittany blew Kevin a kiss.
"Bye, Kevie."
With that, Kevin left. As soon as he was gone Brittany picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Daryl...Kevin's gonna be gone all day, I have the whole house to myself...Looking forward to it, stud."
Casa Carbone, the following afternoon...
Jim was in the front yard mowing the lawn with his small red Mason riding mower. Suddenly, Kevin pulled up to him driving a green riding mower with all manner of fancy gadgets on it. Jim was so impressed that he shut off his mower and walked over to Kevin.
"Nice!" said Jim, "Is that a John Greene?"
Kevin nodded.
"Yeah, Dude."
At this point Chris and Chuck walk up.
"Nice mower, Kevin," said Chris.
Kevin bragged "V-twin engine, state of the art controls, a cupholder and shocks that can handle the toughest terrain...all for a price I probably can't afford."
Chuck asked "Then how did you pay for it?"
"Duh, Upchuck," said Kevin, "I put it on a platinum card. By the way Jim," Kevin gets a platinum card out of his pocket and hands it to Jim, "I borrowed this to pay for the mower. Hope you don't mind."
Angrily snatching the card, Jim said "You took my card without asking!?"
Kevin said "Yeah, sorry about that dude. Don't be surprised if there's a $12,000.00 charge on the next bill. Also, you're gonna be paying installments until the entire $33,000.00 is paid off. Thanks again, dude."
Jim was now absolutely livid.
"YOU TOOK MY CARD WITHOUT ASKING AND MAXED IT OUT!?"
It suddenly dawned on Kevin just how inconsiderate that move was. He now has a goofy yet sheepish look on his face.
"Sorry."
"Do I at least get to use the mower," Jim snarled, "Since I'm the one who's actually paying for it?"
Kevin shook his head.
"Pretty sure that'd void the warranty. Later, dude."
Kevin rode off in his fancy new mower while Jim looked like he wanted to kill someone.
Thompson house, a short time later...
Kevin had just parked his new lawn mower. Chris, Jamie and Chuck are admiring the new lawn mower while Jim is still trying to contain the urge to bash Kevin's skull in.
"Check out the even cut of my grass," he bragged, "Are any of your mowers capable of cutting grass that even?"
Jim, Chris and Jamie shake their heads.
Chuck said "Even the professional service that does my lawn can't get it that even."
"Yeah," Kevin bragged, "I have the best mower in the neighborhood now."
Through gritted teeth, Jim said "Technically, it's my mower."
"No, it itsn't." said Kevin.
Jim retorted with "You paid for it with MY credit card."
"Okay, dude," said Kevin, "How about I gas up your mower from now on, even though it's a piece of junk?"
Offended, Jim said "No, it isn't."
Added Jamie "That's outta bounds, Kevin."
Kevin continued to brag. "No, it isn't. I have the best mower. It's like I'm the QB again. I can even mow my lawn in a hurricane with this baby. Can your mower do that, Jamie?"
"No," said Jamie in an annoyed tone.
Kevin turned to Jim.
"Can you mow your lawn during a hurricane?"
Rolling his eyes, Jim said "Why the hell would I do that?"
"'Cause you can," said Kevin, "Oh, wait! You can't! Your Mason's a piece of shit." Upon noticing the angry look on Jim's face, he added "What's the matter, Jim? You jealous?"
Jim was now fuming as it's obvious this mower has inflated Kevin's ego.
Thompson house, evening...
Brittany has opened a window and is waiting for her lover, Daryl, intending to sneak him in through the window. Kevin's new riding mower is parked right in front of the window. When Daryl shows up he climbs over the mower as Brittany starts to help him through the window. Suddenly, a light comes on. Daryl and Brittany look over to see Kevin aiming a shotgun at Daryl. This prompts Brittany to emit a frightened "EEP!".
"I KNEW IT!" shouted Kevin.
"KEVIN!" said a startled Daryl, "We...we never meant for you to find out like this, I SWEAR!"
"Well, now I know what's really going on," Kevin hissed, "Daryl, how could you, like, betray me like this?"
Thinking she's busted, Brittany shouted "KEVIE, I'M SORRY!" Fighting the urge to cry, Brittany said "I was just so caught up in the attention and it just happened. I never wanted to hurt you babe."
Kevin was now confused. "Like, why are you apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong."
Now, it was Daryl and Brittany's turn to be confused.
"Um, what?" said Daryl.
Kevin pointed his shotgun right at Daryl's head. "Like, don't play dumb with me, dude! YOU'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY NEW LAWN MOWER!"
Puzzled, Brittany said "Um...what!?"
"Babe," said Kevin, "It's obvious he was trying to steal my lawn mower and you're trying to stop him."
Daryl thought You've gotta be kidding me.
Kevin said "I won't press charges...as long as you get inside the house and give my wife a free workout session."
In utter disbelief, Daryl said "You're kidding!?"
Kevin cocked his gun to show he was serious. "Quit screwing with my new mower and start exercising my wife!"
It's obvious that Kevin STILL haven't figured out that Daryl and Brittany are having an affair.
To Brittany, Daryl whispered "You know, he's actually taking some of the fun out of this."
Casa Carbone, the following weekend...
Jim was in the garage trying to start his lawn mower. All the mower will do is make popping noises and quit.
At this moment, Chris showed up. "Hey, Jim. Something wrong with the mower?"
Jim said "Damn thing won't start."
"Didn't Kevin gas you up this morning?" said Chris.
Jim visibly becomes suspicious. He takes a siphoning hose and sucks some fuel out of his tank. He tastes it and immediately realizes it's not gasoline.
"He filled my gas tank with soda!"
At this point, Kevin walked by with an arrogant smirk on his face.
"Jim, I, like, totally punked you! I have a cool mower and yours doesn't even work!"
As Kevin walks away laughing Jim and Chris scowled angrily at him.
Jim's eyes narrow as he says "I think something VERY bad is about to happen to Kevin's new lawn mower."
"I doubt that Jim," said Chris, "It's a brand-new mower."
Jim rolled his eyes. Sometimes, his brother could be just as stupid as Kevin.
"Chris," said Jim, "Let's just say Kevin's ego's writing checks his brain can't cash."
Chris said nothing but gave his brother a confused look.
"Never mind," said Jim with and eye roll.
Thompson house, the next day...
Kevin was singing an advertising jingle in the shower. "But my tractor's a John Greene, it's a mean machine. Ain't no buts about it. Nothing cuts quite like it."
Later, a fully washed and dressed Kevin looked at himself in the mirror. He stood in a manner similar to Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. "You gonna stand there," he said in an imitation of Eastwood's famous growl, "or are you gonna mow."
A short time later, Kevin opened his garage. Since the encounter with Daryl the previous weekend he's been locking the mower up at night. As the garage door opens Kevin makes a horrific discovery...his new mower's gone!
"What the hell!?"
Kevin saw a note on the floor. He picked it up. It was typed and read the following...
"WE HAVE YOUR MOWER!"
Kevin fell to his knees.
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Casa Carbone...
Kevin, Jim, Jamie and Chuck were in Jim's man cave drinking beer and talking. Kevin was chain smoking and looked totally distraught.
"Oh, Man! Oh, Man! Oh, Man!"
Jim, in a suspicious tone, asked "Something wrong, Kevin?"
"My new mower," Kevin said as he put out one cigarette and lit another, "It's gone. Someone stole my mower!"
"Really!?" said Jamie, sounding just as suspicious as Jim, "That's such a shame, it was a nice mower."
Kevin frantically said "It was my mower, and now it's gone. GONE!"
"Who would do such a thing?" asked Chuck.
Playing along, Jim said "Whoever did it must've had a reason."
"Why?" asked Kevin, "Why would someone do this to me? My mower was an innocent victim!"
Jamie asked "Have you done anything to piss anyone off lately?"
Kevin scratched his head in thought.
"Ummm...uhh...ummmm...I don't think so."
Jim said "How about stealing my credit card, maxing it out to pay for a new mower and putting soda instead of gasoline in my mower?"
"Come on," said Kevin, "This was the work of someone who has it in for me. I need to find out who. I, like, won't rest until I find out who stole my mower."
Trying not to laugh, Jim said "Well, you'd better get on the case, then."
Kevin said "Good idea." He gets up to leave. "Wish me luck, guys."
Once Kevin was gone the other guys started laughing.
"Man," said Jamie, "We've totally punked him."
"How long before we return it?" asked Chuck.
Shrugging, Jim said "I'd say a few weeks. That should be long enough for Kevin to learn his lesson."
The three of them resume laughing.
Casa Carbone, a short time later...
Quinn was walking through the downstairs hallway toward the door to the garage. What she saw when she opened the door made her gasp. Kevin's mower is right there. Quinn immediately closed the door and made her way to the home office. There, she finds Jim going through some paperwork.
"Jim," said Quinn, "What's Kevin's new riding mower doing in our garage?"
Jim said "Relax, Quinn, it's just a prank."
Quinn folded her arms and had a stern expression on her face.
"A prank!?," she said, "How did you even get it here? The Thompson's have surveillance cameras."
"I brought Jamie and Chuck in on it," said Jim, "Chuck hacked into the security system and disabled the cameras long enough for Jamie and I to sneak into their garage and push the mower out of there and into our own garage."
Quinn raised an eyebrow.
"You pushed a riding mower?"
Jim said "Didn't wanna alert anyone by running the engine."
Quinn asked "And why are you doing this?"
Jim explained "Because Kevin stole my credit card and used it to pay for that new mower. Having the best mower in the neighborhood also turned him into an asshole. He even put soda in the gas tank of my mower. I figured it was payback time."
Quinn said "So, you and the guys are messing with Kevin to get even with him for being an inconsiderate jerk?"
Now a little nervous, Jim said "Yeah...um, why?"
Quinn's stern expression now becomes a sly grin.
"If you really wanna mess with Kevin," she said, "Do this."
She immediately whispered in her husband's ear. He liked what he heard.
Thompson house, a few days later...
A visibly sleep deprived and unshaven Kevin was sitting in the basement. He's obsessively looking at the phone when Brittany came in.
"Kevie?"
This startled Kevin so much that he jumped out of his seat.
"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
He calms down when he sees that it's Brittany.
"Sorry, babe. You scared me."
Brittany said "That's okay, Kevie." She hands him a manilla envelope. "This was in the mail."
The envelope has cut out letters that spell "For Kevin Thompson" and no return address. He opens the envelope, and the contents cause his eyes to go wide. It's an enlarged photograph of his lawn mower. The image has been photoshopped so that it looks like a bunch of gray aliens are probing the lawn mower. Kevin, on the other hand, draws his own conclusion.
"IT WAS ALIENS! THEY STOLE MY MOWER!"
Casa Carbone, the next day...
Kevin, Jim, Chuck and Jamie are in the man cave drinking beer. Kevin was wearing only a wife beater t-shirt and boxer shorts. He looks like he hasn't slept for days and smells like he hasn't bathed in all that time either.
"I can't believe it," he said, "Aliens stole my lawn mower!"
What Kevin didn't know was that Jamie and Jim took the picture and Chuck photoshopped the image. All three of them were struggling not to laugh.
Jim said "So, your lawn mower was taken by space men."
Kevin said "Why? I asked Artie and he said the grays have it in for me. It's the only explanation."
Chuck decided to put icing on the cake.
"I got this in the mail," he said, "It came with instructions to give it to you as soon as I could."
Chuck hands another photo to Kevin. It's another picture of Kevin's mower. The photo has a desert background and two armed soldiers standing guard by the mower.
Jamie takes his turn and hands Kevin another picture.
"I got this one in the mail."
Kevin looks at the picture. It shows a guy dressed in gang colors brandishing an AK-47 next to Kevin's mower. Kevin freaks.
"WHO'S TAUNTING ME!? First aliens, now this. Why would aliens, soldiers and gangsters work together just to stick it to me!?"
Jim said "Kevin, maybe a nap and a shower would clear your head."
Kevin got right in Jim's face. He had a wild look in his eyes, as if he were tripping out on glitterberries.
"ARE YOU OUTTA YOUR MIND, JIM!? I CAN'T SLEEP AND BATHE NOW, I NEDD TO FIGURE OUT WHY SOLDIERS, ALIENS AND GANG-BANGERS STOLE MY MOWER!" He shakes Jim and he continues his rant. "I WON'T REST UNTIL I HAVE MY MOWER BACK! I WON'T WASH OR EAT OR DO ANYTHING BUT TRY TO GET BACK MY MOWER! I'LL, LIKE, SOLVE THE MYSTERY! HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA AH! BURRRRR...HA HA HA, NYAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
Kevin runs out of there cackling like a mad man. Once he's gone Chuck snickers.
"We totally got him! heh-heh...He's actually going crazy! hee-hee."
Jim now feels guilty and says nothing.
Kevin's basement, a few nights later...
Kevin has not slept, eaten or washed since the lawn mower was taken. He now has a short unkempt beard as he hasn't shaven either. He sits there alone. Brittany comes in and looks VERY concerned.
"Um...Kevie?"
Kevin looked at his wife with bloodshot eyes and a psychotic expression.
"WHAT!?"
"EEP!"
Brittany quickly regained her composure.
"Babe," she said, "Me and the kids are worried."
Kevin said "I'm worried too. That's why I haven't slept, washed, eaten or shaved in...um...How long has it been since the mower was stolen?"
Brittany said "A week...I think."
"I have to figure out who stole my mower and why. I HAVE TO!"
Nervous, Brittany said "Kevie, you're scaring me!"
Kevin said "My lawn mower was stolen, probed by aliens, held hostage by soldiers AND messed with by the Crips and YOU'RE Scared!?"
"Kevie, this isn't healthy."
Kevin said "Leave me alone. I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHO STOLE MY MOWER!"
Brittany sighed and left. Once she was gone Kevin looked thoughtful. He suddenly gets and idea.
"Aliens, soldiers, a member of the Crips...Of course! My mower's at Area 51. THE GOVERNMENT STOLE MY MOWER! I'LL SHOW THOSE...those...What's that word for freedom hating psychos...fasochists?"
Casa Carbone, the next day...
Jim, Jamie and Chuck are in Jim's garage looking at Kevin's mower.
"You guys wanna take another picture?" asked Chuck, "I'll photoshop Neo-Nazi's into this one."
Jim sighed.
"Actually, I think we should give the mower back and tell Kevin it was all just a prank."
"Jim's right," said Jamie, "Brittany called me last night and told me Kevin hasn't slept, eaten or taken a shower in over a week now. I think things have gone too far."
Chuck protested "But this is so much fun. It's funny to watch Kevin lose his mind."
"Not anymore, it isn't," said Jamie, "I'll admit it was funny at first, but I never wanted it to go this far. Kevin's becoming completely unhinged."
"He's right," added Jim, "This was funny in the beginning, but the fact remains that messing with Kevin's mind probably wasn't such a good idea. We've damaged a structure that, frankly, wasn't up to code to begin with. Let's just return the mower and tell him it was all just a prank."
Thompson house, a short time later...
Kevin's mower is back in his garage while Jim's talking to Brittany.
"Sorry Kevin isn't here," she said, "But he had a birthday party booked. I convinced him not to cancel the gig."
Jim said "When he gets back tell him it was us and that it was just a prank."
Nodding, Brittany said "I don't get why you, Chuck and Jamie did this in the first place. I mean, tricking Kevie's not that hard. Daryl and I have been doing it for years."
Meanwhile, at another house...
A bunch of little kids and their parents were seated in the living room. Kevin's there because it's the clown gig, he booked a month before. The parents look disappointed because Kevin isn't in his clown suit or makeup. He also didn't bring any of his gag toys. He's wearing only a wife-beater and boxer shorts, he smells, his hair is a mess, and his eyes are bloodshot from sleep deprivation. All he brought with him was a backpack.
One of the kids whined "I thought we were gonna see a clown."
The birthday boy's mother walked up to Kevin.
"Mr. Thompson, what gives? I booked you to perform, not look drugged out while smelling like a zoo."
Kevin says nothing but reaches into the backpack. He pulls out...an Uzi. Everyone else screams in terror.
"AHHHHH!"
Aiming at the audience, Kevin shouted "NOBODY MOVE, I'M TAKING ALL OF YOU HOSTAGE!"
Terrified, the mother asked "What do you want?"
Kevin said "I want you to give me a phone. I want the government to give me back my lawn mower..." he wildly waves his guns in the air,"...OR I'LL WASTE EVERY GODDAMN ONE OF YOU! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, HYAGAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
Casa Carbone, a short time later...
Jim and Quinn were in the living room talking. Jim was telling Quinn that he decided to return Kevin's lawn mower and tell him it was all a prank.
"...but Kevin's at a clown gig so I just told Brittany. She'll let me know when he gets back so I can apologize in person."
Quinn said "I have to admit if I'd known Kevin would totally lose it I never would've suggested giving him doctored photos. I'm sorry I even suggested it."
Jim said "Well, now that he has his mower back hopefully things can return to normal around here."
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," said Quinn as she went to answer the door. It's Chris, dressed in full police uniform, and he looks frantic.
"Quinn, you need to turn on the TV...NOW!"
Chris and Quinn go to the TV.
"Hey, Chris" said Jim.
Chris said nothing as Quinn turned on the TV. On the screen was an image of Stacy at the anchor's desk.
Stacy: (from TV) "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a breaking report. A hostage situation has erupted in Lawndale. Gale Masters is on the scene."
The TV cuts to the house Kevin's at. It's surrounded by police. The reporter, Gale, talks.
Gale: "One Kevin Thompson has barricaded himself inside a house. He's a local clown for hire who was supposed to perform at a birthday party but has taken the parents and children hostage at gunpoint."
Jim and Quinn were absolutely horrified, especially when they see Kevin through the window with an Uzi holding a child at gunpoint.
The standoff, a short time later...
Police have the house surrounded but haven't yet made a move since Kevin has hostages. One of the cops is on a portable phone.
"Mr. Thompson, I've got you on speaker."
The cop activates a radio and places the cordless phone on it. Kevin's voice comes on.
"Like, let's talk."
The negotiator said "Mr. Thompson, why are you holding a bunch of parents and children hostage."
Through the speaker, Kevin said "The government stole my lawn mower, I want it back."
The negotiator raised an eyebrow.
"Your lawn mower!?"
"That's right!" Kevin barked, "You return my lawn mower, and no one gets hurt."
Another cop said to his partner "He's doing this over a lawn mower!?"
The other cop spun his finger alongside his head and said "Coo-coo."
The negotiator said "We'll get you your mower. Just put down the gun, let the parents and kids go and we can talk about this."
"YOU THINK I'M STUPID!" Kevin shouted, "I let them go and you guys will just waste me. No deal until I have my mower and a ticket to ...um...Costa Rica?...or...I dunno...Tahiti?"
The negotiator said "We'll get you a ticket to a non-extradition country if you just let the hostages go and put down your weapon. No one needs to die."
Inside the house, Kevin put down the phone and grabbed a little girl from the crowd.
"MOMMIEEEEEE!"
Kevin held the terrified child in front of the window so the cops can see. He next took her away from the window, grabbed a birthday balloon and popped it. Then, he shoved the girl back to the rest of the hostages. He picks up the phone.
"I just killed a hostage. YOU STILL WANNA SCREW WITH ME!?"
Outside, Jim and Quinn arrive on the scene with Chris in his squad car.
"What are you two doing here?" asked a cop by the line of police tape.
"We know the gunman," said Quinn, "He's our next-door neighbor."
Added Jim "We can get him to let the hostages go."
The cop raised the police tape and allowed Quinn and Jim through. They went to the police chief.
"Who are you?"
Jim said "We're his neighbors."
"They say they can convince him to surrender," Chris explained to his boss.
The chief said "Are you nuts? I'm not putting civilians at risk."
"I know Kevin," said Jim, "He's not a killer. This is just a bluff because he wants his lawn mower back."
The chief said "Why are you doing this?"
Jim explained "Because this whole situation is my fault. I stole his mower as a prank. I never would've done it if I'd known he'd go this far off the rails."
"He's already killed one hostage."
Chris shook his head.
"Did you see it?"
The chief shook his head as he said "No, but we heard the gunshot."
Rolling his eyes, Chris said "It's a children's birthday party and there are balloons. A popping balloon sounds just like a gun firing."
"He's right, chief," said the negotiator, "I dug up this guys record. He's clean. He doesn't even have a history of mental illness...unless being the village idiot counts."
Quinn said "That's what we're trying to tell you. This is just a thoughtless bluff."
Jim added "He'll listen to me. Just let me go in there and talk to him."
The chief is doubtful. Quinn decided to turn on the charm.
"Please?," she said as she batted her eyes at the police chief and spoke in a flirty tone, "I'd REALLY appreciate it."
The chief is immediately taken.
"Fine."
Quinn smiled.
Quinn, you've still got it.
Just outside the police line...
There's a red pick-up truck with an NRA logo on it. Three men in camoflage step out. They're obviously wannabe soldiers. One of them said "The police can't handle this. We need to make a citizens arrest."
Another got a sniper rifle out of the bed of the truck.
"I'll look for a good vantage point, then take him down quick."
The third NRA guy said "Then we'll be heroes."
Inside the house...
Kevin had his Uzi pointed at the hostages. One of the mothers begged "Please, just let us go!"
Pointing the gun at her, Kevin shouted "SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!"
Suddenly, he heard the door open. He turns and aims only to find Jim standing in the doorway with his hands up.
"Relax, Kevin," said Jim, "I'm unarmed and alone. See."
Jim pulled a walkie talkie out of his pocket.
"All I have is this. I convinced the cops not to do anything until I tell them to."
Jim closed the door behind him and walked toward Kevin.
"Kevin, what the hell are you doing?"
Kevin said "Getting my mower back?"
Jim rolled his eyes. "By taking a bunch of innocent people hostage, half of them children!?"
Kevin said "Like, how else am I gonna get the government to return my mower?"
Jim looked at Kevin's Uzi and noticed something off about the weapon.
"You can't shoot anyone."
Kevin said "I will if I have to."
Crowding Kevin, Jim said "No, you won't."
Aiming the gun, Kevin said "Stay back."
Jim moved to rush Kevin. In response, Kevin shoots Jim with...water. It turns out that the 'gun' is just a very realistic looking water pistol.
"I should've known."
Jim snatched the toy from Kevin.
"You took a bunch of hostages with a water pistol."
"Duh, Jim," said Kevin, "You really think I'd shoot a bunch of innocent people. I'm not psycho."
Putting down the water pistol, Jim said "Coulda fooled me." He spoke into the walkie talkie. "It's all right. His gun's actually just a harmless toy."
Kevin was devastated at his bluff being exposed. "DUDE! How am I gonna get my mower back now!?"
Jim sighed. It was well past time to fess up.
"Kevin, the government didn't take your mower. I did."
Kevin was stunned speechless.
Jim proceeded to explain. "It was just a prank. I did it to get back at you for stealing my credit card and putting soda in my gas tank."
"So," said Kevin, "The government didn't take my mower? What about the pictures?"
Jim said "Chuck and Jamie were in on it. Chuck photo shopped them. The only thing real in those pictures is the mower."
Kevin immediately sat down on the floor and hung his head in shame.
"God, I'm such an idiot."
Jim had a 'well, duh' expression on his face.
Kevin said "You know what really sucks about this, man? I thought you were my friend. I only took your card because I thought you'd be cool with it because we're buds. I considered you one of my besties, but now I just don't know."
Jim felt guilty for a second, then, remembering just how ridiculous this all is, he lost his patience.
"Dammit, Kevin," said Jim, "I AM your friend. Hell, I'm as good a friend as a thoughtless, pathetic man-child like you is ever gonna have."
Kevin said "If you're my friend, why'd you punk me?"
Jim said "Because I was pissed off and wanted to even the score. I could've pressed charges after you stole my card, but I didn't because we're friends. Look, I'm sorry I stole your mower. I just wanted to get back at you for being a thoughtless ass."
Kevin looked at Jim for a second. Finally, he stood up.
"Apology accepted, dude."
Jim smiled.
"By the way, Quinn used her natural charm to get the cops to drop the charges against you if you let the hostages go."
Kevin has a goofy grin.
"Cool."
Outside, a short time later...
The hostages were now safely out of the house. Jim and Kevin then came out. As they exited the house, something caught Kevin's eye. Across the street from the house was an apartment complex. On the roof of the apartment building was a sniper aiming his rifle at Kevin.
"Jim," said Kevin, "What's that on the roof of the apartment building?"
Jim looked and saw the NRA guy aiming a sniper rifle at Kevin.
"VIGILANTE!"
The sniper opened fire. Jim instantly shoved Kevin out of the way and took a bullet right in the chest. As he fell to the ground, the cops rush the apartment building in order to take down the sniper. Kevin was horrified.
"JIM...NOOO!"
Kevin knelt next to Jim.
"Dude, you really are my friend! You...You took a bullet for me."
Kevin was about to cry when Jim suddenly sat up and said "Damn, that stung like hell."
Kevin freaked.
"AHHHHH! ZOMBIE!"
Jim tried not to laugh. "Relax, Kevin. I'm not a zombie."
Puzzled, Kevin said "But...you took a bullet in the heart."
Jim smiled as he unbuttoned his shirt and revealed the bulletproof vest he was wearing.
"Before going in I had the cops put this vest on me."
Visibly hurt, Kevin said "You...You thought I was gonna shoot you!?"
Sheepish, Jim said "Yeah, but I also thought you'd feel so guilty that you would've shot yourself right after."
Smniling, Kevin said "I would've, too."
The two friends hug.
End Chapter